0:00:02 > 0:00:06- Welcome to Lee Mack's All Star Cast. The show that makes stars of people like me...- And me...
0:00:06 > 0:00:08- And me...- And me.- Not you.
0:00:08 > 0:00:09Roll titles.
0:00:09 > 0:00:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:31APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:37# Let's get it started Let's get it started in here
0:00:37 > 0:00:42# Let's get it started Let's get it started in here
0:00:42 > 0:00:46# Let's get it started Let's get it started in here
0:00:46 > 0:00:51# Let's get it started Let's get it started in here
0:00:51 > 0:00:53# Woo-hoo! #
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Ladies and gentlemen, it's my house choir, the Gospel Honest Truth!
0:00:56 > 0:00:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:03They stand on the stairs in my house like that.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Makes going to the loo in the middle of the night a bit embarrassing!
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Good evening, and welcome to the show.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11In my All Star Cast tonight, she's Hollywood nobility,
0:01:11 > 0:01:12it's Joan Collins!
0:01:12 > 0:01:14CHEERING
0:01:14 > 0:01:17He's Ross Nobility, it's Ross Noble!
0:01:17 > 0:01:20CHEERING
0:01:20 > 0:01:23We've got stand up from the brilliant Tom Stade!
0:01:23 > 0:01:26CHEERING
0:01:26 > 0:01:29And performing their latest single, we've got music from The Wanted!
0:01:29 > 0:01:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Sadly, there were some people
0:01:35 > 0:01:38we weren't able to cast for the show this week,
0:01:38 > 0:01:39like the Beckhams, of course,
0:01:39 > 0:01:41as Victoria's taking it easy
0:01:41 > 0:01:44after giving birth to a baby girl this week.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Harper Seven. The middle name Seven
0:01:49 > 0:01:51comes from the back of David's shirt.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53I did the same thing with my kids, A Hundred Percent Acrylic
0:01:53 > 0:01:54and Dry Clean Only.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Victoria had a cesarean, she was worried
0:01:58 > 0:02:00about the paparazzi outside the front entrance.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Apparently it was a difficult pregnancy.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Victoria was constantly bothered by headache, back pain and bunions.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10I think that's what the other kids are called.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- APPLAUSE - You're right to clap!
0:02:17 > 0:02:22We couldn't catch Rebekah Brooks tonight. Apparently no-one at The News of the World saw this coming
0:02:22 > 0:02:25which is particularly embarrassing for celebrity atstrologer Mystic Meg.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28I'm starting to doubt her abilities!
0:02:29 > 0:02:33To be fair, Rebekah Brooks has claimed she's been the victim of hacking too.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35I can see that, look what they did to her hair!
0:02:36 > 0:02:41In the final edition of The News of the World staff covertly had a dig at her in the crossword.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Right? Can't believe she missed them, they were pretty obvious.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Two across, looks like Mick Hucknall and hasn't got any integrity.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52It turns out the answer to that is actually Mick Hucknall.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55They obviously weren't very subtle with the crossword
0:02:55 > 0:02:58but that's nothing compared to the spot the difference.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Sorry, if you're watching, it's just a joke.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05They won't be watching, most of them live in Borneo.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:10 > 0:03:14We also haven't been able to cast any of the residents of Congham in Norfolk
0:03:14 > 0:03:17as they've all been watching the snail racing championships.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19True story, did you hear about this?
0:03:19 > 0:03:24The winning snail clocked up a record-breaking time of two minutes to complete the 30cm course,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27although I regularly see snails do 20m in two seconds
0:03:27 > 0:03:30when I chuck 'em over me neighbour's fence.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33You do get the occasional cheats as well, apparently.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35One snail tried to speed up by removing its shell
0:03:35 > 0:03:36but it made him more sluggish.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41The winning snail complained about only getting a small bit of lettuce as his prize,
0:03:41 > 0:03:45but organisers said, "Don't worry, that's just the tip of the iceberg."
0:03:45 > 0:03:46- AUDIENCE GROAN - Shut it!
0:03:46 > 0:03:50But luckily we have been able to cast you, the student audience!
0:03:50 > 0:03:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Once again I'm looking for someone to join me in my sketch show
0:03:57 > 0:03:59later in the show and tonight
0:03:59 > 0:04:01I need someone who can play the part of an animal.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Now, it can be any animal but I'll be asking you why you thought of it
0:04:04 > 0:04:06so think of your motivation.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08In my case it would be the terrible day I found Nemo
0:04:08 > 0:04:10floating in the top of the fish tank.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11AUDIENCE: Aww!
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Thinking about it, Nemo was a weird name for a dog!
0:04:15 > 0:04:20So everyone, prepare your animal faces. Three, two, one, Jumanji!
0:04:20 > 0:04:23MUSIC: "King of the Swingers" from The Jungle Book
0:04:25 > 0:04:29It's like the waiting room at Animal Hospital!
0:04:29 > 0:04:33OK, some great faces there, right let's have a look at our first animal.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Which animal are you trying to inflate and which end are you blowing it up from?!
0:04:41 > 0:04:42- What's your name?- Claire.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- Hello, Claire. What animal was that?- A chicken!
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- What was your motivation? - Basically, I was on a first date
0:04:48 > 0:04:50in a park, a picnic in a park,
0:04:50 > 0:04:53and then randomly a lady selling live chickens walked past.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55- So...- Whoa, sorry!
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Where were you, Albania?
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- I thought it would be a good idea, my date...- You bought them?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Yeah! I bought two little baby chickens.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06So we carried on our date, but he thought I was a bit odd,
0:05:06 > 0:05:09and then I remembered I was going out that night so it wasn't
0:05:09 > 0:05:13- convenient for me to take them with me.- You're not still together are you?- No!
0:05:15 > 0:05:18So I said to him, "Could you look after these until I next see you?"
0:05:18 > 0:05:20So I gave them to him and left,
0:05:20 > 0:05:24- and needless to say I didn't hear from him again.- What about the chickens?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Nor them either, which was sad!
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- You didn't hear from the chickens either?- No!
0:05:29 > 0:05:33That would have been odd if you'd never heard from him and three weeks later, cluck, cluck!
0:05:33 > 0:05:34Cluck?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Cluck, cluck, cluck!
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Thank you, Claire!
0:05:38 > 0:05:40APPLAUSE
0:05:40 > 0:05:42OK, let's have a look at another one of you.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Can I just check, are you house-trained?
0:05:48 > 0:05:49- What's your name?- John.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51What animal face were you pulling there?
0:05:51 > 0:05:52- The cat.- The cat, yeah.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Why did you have to check with your wife?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57How hen-pecked are you?!
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Not as hen-pecked as Claire's ex boyfriend!
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Has he done anything to you, this cat?
0:06:03 > 0:06:06He sits on my computer desk just to attract attention.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10- Yeah?- And one night for some reason he turned on me.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14When you say turned on you... Did he go like this?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23What do you mean he turned on you?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Yeah, he got a bit violent and attacked me.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27A bit violent?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29And were you OK, was everything OK?
0:06:29 > 0:06:33No, he bit into my arm and he actually bit a muscle in my wrist.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36The next morning I totally lost the use of my left arm.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Your left arm had gone numb?
0:06:38 > 0:06:39For a week.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Did the cat really bite you?
0:06:42 > 0:06:46Did this cat delete your internet browsing history just after?
0:06:46 > 0:06:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Thanks very much, John.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56OK, it's time to pick a winner and I think it's just got to be
0:06:56 > 0:06:58John and his cat face!
0:06:58 > 0:07:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Well done, John we'll be seeing you in the sketch later!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Shall we crack on and meet the guests?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11# Way-oh, way-oh
0:07:11 > 0:07:13# Walk like an Egyptian. #
0:07:14 > 0:07:18My first guest tonight has a star on the Hollywood walk of fame.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21That's nothing, I had two on my badge when I worked at McDonalds.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25My second guest is a comedian and motorcycle-enthusiast who says
0:07:25 > 0:07:28that what he loves most about bikes is that if you get it wrong, you die
0:07:28 > 0:07:32which is coincidently what the BBC said to me when I got this show.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Ladies and gentlemen, it's Joan Collins and Ross Noble!
0:07:34 > 0:07:37# Oh, don't you know don't you know?
0:07:37 > 0:07:41# Oh, beautiful, don't you know?
0:07:41 > 0:07:45# Oh, don't you know don't you know?
0:07:45 > 0:07:49# Oh, beautiful, don't you know?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51# Beautiful people. #
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Oh! Well!
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- So, hello!- Hello!
0:07:56 > 0:08:02Welcome to the sofa, and well done Ross on getting the memo about getting the same haircut as Joan.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Yeah, it's nice isn't it?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06We were arguing over the wigs out the back there.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10So, Joan Collins and Ross Noble, or to give you your full titles,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Joan Collins OBE...
0:08:12 > 0:08:13- That's right..- And Ross Noble.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15OBE?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17- No?- Oh, my God!- You're too young.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- Ross Noble, WTF. - What does that mean?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22I couldn't possibly say.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25It's a family show and I'm dyslexic so it could mean anything!
0:08:25 > 0:08:29Have you had any unfortunate animal experiences, Joan?
0:08:29 > 0:08:30I have, actually.
0:08:30 > 0:08:36I'm quite frightened of horses, and I was doing a movie in which they wanted me to ride a horse,
0:08:36 > 0:08:40they brought out this huge black stallion that was really scary
0:08:40 > 0:08:42and every time I went near him
0:08:42 > 0:08:49he sort of reared up like this, but my handler was this old, weathered American cowboy-type.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52He said, "Honey don't worry about it, horses are great,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54"they'll never hurt you."
0:08:54 > 0:08:55"Look, I'll show you."
0:08:55 > 0:08:59So he went straight to the horse and the horse reared up, kicked him
0:08:59 > 0:09:00on the ankle and broke his ankle.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03And after that I said, "Bring my stunt double!"
0:09:05 > 0:09:07And, Ross have you had any weird animal experiences?
0:09:07 > 0:09:11- I have, you've seen those videos! - I have, yes!
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Funnily enough also involves a black stallion.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17There's a Lloyds Bank ad they'll never show!
0:09:17 > 0:09:21Now, Joan, you are bringing out another book aren't you?
0:09:21 > 0:09:26I am, yes! It's my thirteenth. Thirteenth time lucky, yes!
0:09:26 > 0:09:27And what is this book about?
0:09:27 > 0:09:31Well this book is called The World According to Joan,
0:09:31 > 0:09:34and as you may know I'm quite opinionated.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- I've heared rumours.- Yeah.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- I don't suffer fools gladly and...- Hello!
0:09:41 > 0:09:43I think we're both in trouble!
0:09:44 > 0:09:46It's about my opinions,
0:09:46 > 0:09:50about things that are going on in the world,
0:09:50 > 0:09:53it's about, um, men, morals, manners, everything.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55For example, I really get offended
0:09:55 > 0:09:59when I see somebody throwing a sweet wrapper or a wrapper of a hamburger
0:09:59 > 0:10:02into the street, and people just, they don't even say anything,
0:10:02 > 0:10:04they just walk around it.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Would you say anything to them?
0:10:06 > 0:10:07Depends how tall they were.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08LAUGHTER
0:10:08 > 0:10:11That'd be a great image, wouldn't it?
0:10:11 > 0:10:15So you're walking around looking for littering dwarves?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- Well, not exactly... - Grumpy, Sleepy, Dirty. Dirty Dwarf!
0:10:18 > 0:10:21That's a great image, the idea of somebody dropping litter
0:10:21 > 0:10:25and I see this big posh car with the electric window coming down and Joan going...
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Your 13th book, that's amazing.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28I know, it is actually,
0:10:28 > 0:10:32considering how much work I've done in the theatre and on TV, etcetera,
0:10:32 > 0:10:37and I just did some photographs because it's Dynasty's 30 year anniversary.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- Please tell me you were wearing the original clothes.- I was!- Were you?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42- Yes, can you believe it? - That's amazing.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46There was a certain amount of pinning at the back, I'm afraid.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47- Shoulder pads?- Minimal.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50How minimal? Could you still perch a bird on them?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52About the size of yours, actually.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- I haven't got shoulder pads, these are my shoulders.- Oh, ha-ha!
0:10:55 > 0:10:58All men...are there any men here with suits? No.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00You don't know my audience, do you?
0:11:00 > 0:11:01LAUGHTER
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Surprised most of them have got trousers on.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08- Bloke down there hasn't.- Did they let you keep all the clothes?- No.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09- I stole them!- Did you?- No.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13That's a great image of you shoving them in the binbags on the last day.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Sometimes I would say, "Can I wear this home?"
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Cos I'm going to a drinks party or a premier or something,
0:11:19 > 0:11:22and then it would just end up in my closet and I'd forget it.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- The most important thing is, it's still theft.- Yes.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27All right, sue me already!
0:11:27 > 0:11:30That could be your next book, How To Nick Stuff.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Dynasty is very famous for its fight scenes,
0:11:34 > 0:11:37there was a lot of fight scenes between you and Linda Evans.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Lot of fight scenes. Yes.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Do you get on in real life?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Um...
0:11:43 > 0:11:44LAUGHTER
0:11:44 > 0:11:47You know, sometimes a silence can answer so much.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Did you not get on?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50It isn't that we didn't get on,
0:11:50 > 0:11:53it's that I think we were from different planets.
0:11:53 > 0:11:58You know? We were just totally, totally different in every possible way.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Here we've got a still of you and Linda now in one of your famous scenes.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05There's a lot of smiling in your face before you were going to do that.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I was going to hit her on the head with a vase. I was thrilled.
0:12:08 > 0:12:13Is this an actually scene or is this your coffee break?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16- What I love about Dynasty is the dialogue.- It is good.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19It's brilliant and sometimes a little bit camp.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Oh, what, a little bit?!
0:12:21 > 0:12:25- Yes.- I'm going to re-enact some of that dialogue for you.- Oh, my god.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27With the help of Mr Ross Noble.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28- Ross.- What am I supposed to do?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31You tell me if this is real dialogue from the show, or fake.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35I'm going to make it more realistic, if you could play Krystle.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- OK.- I'm being you, Joan.
0:12:39 > 0:12:44Oh, my god. Lovely. You look like Peter Sellers in something.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- Peter Sellers? That's not a bad look.- Yeah.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49I saw meself on the monitor
0:12:49 > 0:12:51and thought it was Noel Edmonds from the '80s.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53LAUGHTER
0:12:53 > 0:12:56"Welcome to Telly Addicts!"
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Here.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01You've got quite a feminine face, haven't you, Ross? I never noticed before.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05OK, I'll play Alexis, if that's OK. Ross will play Krystle.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09- Can you give me some tips on Alexis? - You just sound like me.- OK.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13- I know your problem. - I don't sound like that!
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- I know your problem. - I don't sound like that.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18- IN GEORDIE ACCENT: - I know your problem!- That's better.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- You've got her there. - I know your problem,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24and because I'm a real woman I know how to please a man.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28I know how to touch a man and make him quiver, unlike you, Krystle.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30No man could ever want you.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Come here and say that to my face, you bitch!
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- Fake!- Hang on.- Do we fight?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47APPLAUSE
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Got a bit of shrapnel on Joan Collins there,
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- I'm so sorry about that. - Don't worry.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- So, fake or real? - I told you, it was fake.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01She got it right, it's fake dialogue.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02APPLAUSE
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Did you at any point in your career think you'd ever go,
0:14:06 > 0:14:08"Oh, he got a bit of shrapnel on Joan Collins."?
0:14:10 > 0:14:14- Now, Joan, you are a big fan of Twitter, aren't you?- Yes, I am.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17JoanCollinsOBE, if anybody wants to tweet me.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21I can't lie, I don't do Twitter, I don't know anything about it,
0:14:21 > 0:14:23but I made an effort cos you were coming on,
0:14:23 > 0:14:24and I looked at your tweets...
0:14:24 > 0:14:28- Oh, you looked at my what? - Hand on heart, lovely hydrangeas.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- Oh, the hydrangeas.- I loved them. - Yes, aren't they pretty?
0:14:31 > 0:14:35They're very nice, yeah, cos I like a bit of gardening. Do you like a bit of composting?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Uh, no, I don't do compost.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40You know toenails are compostable, I found out recently?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- And hair, chop off hair, all compostable.- Is this real?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Am I high? Can I just ask, am I actually...
0:14:46 > 0:14:48- is this a dream? - No, it's all happening.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50I'm sitting here, Joan Collins on one side,
0:14:50 > 0:14:53and you're talking about putting your toenails in compost?!
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- You're a big tweeter, Ross? - I do like a bit of a tweet.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- What's your tweet name? - I am RealRossNoble.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Is there a fake Ross Noble?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Don't go to RossNoble,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05because that is a bloke in Canada just trying to live his life.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Ah.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10And he keeps getting, like, hundreds of tweets from, you know, my fans,
0:15:10 > 0:15:14it's hard to describe them, Joan, but they're, um, they're unusual people.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18- Oh, like you?- Yes.- Oh, yes.
0:15:18 > 0:15:24So they send me all kinds of unusual photographs and thoughts and ideas.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28- Like what?- I sent a tweet out and I said, "Whoever sends me the best
0:15:28 > 0:15:32"picture of themselves with a tin of beans on their head, I'll retweet it."
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- You know people love a retweet, don't they?- Yes, absolutely.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- Hundreds of people...- Hundreds?
0:15:37 > 0:15:41- Beans on their head.- No! My, god, I must try that.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45- Yeah, do it, beans on the head.- I've been really missing out, haven't I?
0:15:45 > 0:15:49I think my fans might be slightly different to yours.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Caviar on the head.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55You can have that, no problem at all.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Please do that, Joan. Please do caviar on the head, that'd be great.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02You know who I met, thanks to Twitter?
0:16:02 > 0:16:07He now runs a candle shop in Chester. Only Bob Carolgees.
0:16:07 > 0:16:12Eh? Joan, Bob Carolgees!
0:16:12 > 0:16:15I think I've lived in America too long.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19Bob Carolgees was a puppeteer that did Spit The Dog.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- Spit the Dog, Joan. Bob Carolgees! - And he runs a candle shop?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24He runs a candle...
0:16:24 > 0:16:27That'd be handy cos if the flames went up and it started burning,
0:16:27 > 0:16:29he could go, "pttt" and put it out!
0:16:29 > 0:16:33We've got a fantastic stand-up on the show, he's about to go back on the road for a huge UK tour.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Please welcome the brilliant Tom Stade!
0:16:35 > 0:16:37# Get up, stand up
0:16:39 > 0:16:40# Stand up for your rights. #
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Good evening citizens of Britain.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50LAUGHTER
0:16:50 > 0:16:55I am a married man, I have been married for 16 years.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58I'm going to be honest with you, I'm tired!
0:16:59 > 0:17:03I am exhausted, I am way, I am over my head!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Nobody trained me for this,
0:17:05 > 0:17:08I didn't think I was going to make it this far.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10I'm sitting there,
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I wished I had a marriage trainer, just somebody sitting there,
0:17:13 > 0:17:17going, "All right, Tom! Give me 20 more 'I'm sorry's'!"
0:17:18 > 0:17:22"Say it like you mean it! You sound insincere!"
0:17:22 > 0:17:28Love being married! Things have changed for me, being married, too.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32I have a lot more lists in my life, you know? I love lists.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36I like my lists, but lists give me pressure,
0:17:36 > 0:17:41because sometimes I will not be able to find what is on the list.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45I will sit there in a store for about two hours, sitting there going,
0:17:45 > 0:17:49"Oh, my god, I can't find this," then I'll have to ask somebody and say,
0:17:49 > 0:17:52"Excuse me, ma'am, can you help me find what aisle the broccoli is in?"
0:17:52 > 0:17:55She goes, "I would, but this is Ann Summers."
0:17:57 > 0:18:01So I guess I'm just going to buy these glow in the dark cucumbers then.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Think it's going to make a pretty funky salad.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13I love my lists, that's why I go to places like Argos,
0:18:13 > 0:18:19cos they have a catalogue which is just a really big list.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23My woman loves catalogues, all women love catalogues,
0:18:23 > 0:18:25cos women are good with catalogues.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27My woman will walk into Argos,
0:18:27 > 0:18:32she'll flip through that catalogue like she was a Jedi Knight.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36She walked up to the catalogue and go...
0:18:36 > 0:18:40"That's what I want," and I'm looking at her going, "How did you do that?"
0:18:40 > 0:18:44She goes, "I'll show you something else, Tom."
0:18:44 > 0:18:45"That's what you want."
0:18:45 > 0:18:48And I'm like, "I don't even know what I want,"
0:18:48 > 0:18:52then I look at it and go, "Holy shit, that is what I want.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55"A trampoline."
0:18:56 > 0:19:01Cos I didn't want a trampoline for 129.95.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04But for 79.95?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06I NEEDED a trampoline.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09You can't just buy no trampoline.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12You've got to get all your trampoline trimmings.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14You've got to get that safety cage,
0:19:14 > 0:19:18in case you're a moron and you don't know how to bounce up and down.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Turns out I'm a moron!
0:19:23 > 0:19:27Cos I was bouncing from side to side in my safety cage,
0:19:27 > 0:19:29and I smashed my head against that safety bar,
0:19:29 > 0:19:32and I'm bleeding in the safety cage, thinking,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35"Thank God that safety bar was there
0:19:35 > 0:19:37"to stop me from landing on that soft grass!"
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Thank you very much, Britain, you've been excellent. Thank you!
0:19:43 > 0:19:46CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Stade!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Do you know what? I think, once again, it's time for...
0:20:00 > 0:20:02# You've got the look
0:20:02 > 0:20:04# You've got the look. #
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Yes, before tonight's show, we asked our audience
0:20:07 > 0:20:09which famous person they think they look like
0:20:09 > 0:20:12and the winner, as judged by Joan and Ross, will join us on the sofa
0:20:12 > 0:20:14to promote next week's show.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Now, this should be easy for you this week, Joan,
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- because every one of our celebrities tonight has actually met you.- Oh.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24- First of all, we've got Dominic Vines. Where are you, Dominic?- Yep.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- How are you?- Very good, thanks.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30OK. Ross, Joan, do we know who Dominic thinks he looks like?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Tintin? A bit of Tintin in there.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Is it the...? Oh, no. He's not famous.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38It's just a bloke I know.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40He can't be a bloke you know.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Hang on! I know who that... Oh, no.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Can I just check, are you Dave from the chippy?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Have you got any clues you can give us?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Used to be married to Sienna Miller.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- Jude Law!- So, Dominic, who do you think you look like?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- Well, my wife thinks I look like Jude Law.- OK, let's have a look.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58APPLAUSE
0:20:58 > 0:21:00It is Jude Law.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02- I think that's quite good. - Yeah, it is.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06- It's Jude Law, yeah. - But he doesn't have hair like that.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07He doesn't have a face like that!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10He looks nothing like Jude Law.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14- So you've met Jude Law? - I have met Jude Law, at Cilla Black's birthday party.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- OK.- Are you a big pal of Cilla's?
0:21:17 > 0:21:18I am, yes.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21You know who used to be Cilla's show, Surprise, Surprise,
0:21:21 > 0:21:23as the roving reporter?
0:21:23 > 0:21:24Bob Carolgees!
0:21:24 > 0:21:26He is, he is. That is true.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28I'd swear to it, I'm not making that up.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30I bet you Bob Carolgees...
0:21:30 > 0:21:34There's not one anecdote that you can say that he can't crowbar in Bob Carolgees.
0:21:34 > 0:21:39OK. Thank you very much. That was Dominic Vines. Thank you very much, Dominic.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Now, Parviz Ghodsi. Where are you, Parviz?
0:21:41 > 0:21:43"Ghodsi" - have I got that right?
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- AUDIENCE MURMUR - OK, Parviz...
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- Blimey, the audience have it already!- George Clooney!
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- I don't think we need any clues. - APPLAUSE
0:21:50 > 0:21:54Hang on, don't clap - we don't know it's right yet! Who do you think you look like?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Brad Pitt!
0:21:57 > 0:21:59- It's George Clooney. - Let's have a look.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04APPLAUSE
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- Are you a professional lookalike? - No, I'm not.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- What do you do? - I've got a pizza shop.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- Where's that? - In Essex, Harlow.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- Do you get mistaken for George Clooney?- Yes, I do. All the time.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19What, working in a pizza shop in Harlow?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22What, people go, "That's definitely George Clooney"?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24You're going, "Oh, yeah. I am George Clooney."
0:22:24 > 0:22:27I'm doing the big pepper pot, if you're wondering.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29I'm doing the big pepper pot.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Have you met George?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- I've met him a couple of times at a party in New York.- Nice man?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Very, very charming.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37He's got a lot going for him.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Well, he's like one of the top actors at the moment,
0:22:40 > 0:22:41but it's, um...
0:22:41 > 0:22:45I don't know, he didn't marry that beautiful girl he was going with
0:22:45 > 0:22:46for two or three years.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48To be fair, he's busy running his pizza shop.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Yes, that's true.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54OK. Phil Gamble! Where are you, Phil?
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Hi, Phil.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Phil Gamble, there.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01And, er...
0:23:02 > 0:23:06I'm telling you, if it is, I'm going to kill you.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Joan and Russ. Joan first.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Do we know who Phil thinks he looks like?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Er, well...
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Maybe Leonard Rossiter?
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- AS LEONARD ROSSITER:- "My God!"
0:23:22 > 0:23:24- Give us a clue! - Whoever it is...
0:23:24 > 0:23:29I tell you what, whoever it is, he's an ugly bastard!
0:23:29 > 0:23:31APPLAUSE
0:23:38 > 0:23:43He's doing some acting there. He's doing acting faces and stuff.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45I have to say, and I don't know if it's a clue or not,
0:23:45 > 0:23:48but I personally find him very attractive.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52I'm a heterosexual man but I honestly say I would.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54In fact, if I've got to be honest, I have!
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Can I just ask you, are you...?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00He DOES look like somebody.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Should I give you a clue?
0:24:01 > 0:24:04What about Peter Sellers as a clue?
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Peter Sellers?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11You look a bit like Peter Sellers.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14APPLAUSE
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- I look like Peter Sellers... - A little bit.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19..I think he looks like Peter Sellers. Here's a clue -
0:24:19 > 0:24:20it's me.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Oh, it's you!
0:24:23 > 0:24:26APPLAUSE
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Right, let's have a look.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:24:33 > 0:24:37If you two had moustaches on, it'd be the Chuckle Brothers!
0:24:38 > 0:24:44Go on, do it. You say, "To you." And you say, "To me." Go on.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45To you.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47- BLEEP- off.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- Sorry, Phil, do you actually get recognised as me? - All the time, yeah.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59- And has it ever helped you in any situation?- Er...
0:24:59 > 0:25:02It's been a hindrance to me most of my life.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05I did manage to nick your car-parking space out the front.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Ladies and gentlemen, it's Phil Gamble from West Sussex.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14AKA Lee Mack.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18- So, Joan and Ross, the decision's in your hands.- It's got to be you. It's got to be.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22- It's got to be him.- I think it's got to be George Clooney. - We're off again!
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Why do I have to agree with you?
0:25:24 > 0:25:28- You don't have to agree. I make the final decision, you can have your opinion.- You make this...
0:25:28 > 0:25:31- You're going for George?- Yeah. - You're going for me?- Yeah.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I tell you what, why don't we have both?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35- OK.- OK. George Clooney and Lee Mack!
0:25:35 > 0:25:37APPLAUSE
0:25:37 > 0:25:41We'll be seeing you both on the sofa at the end of the show.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Hey, talking of lookalikes, I had a woman round my house the other day
0:25:45 > 0:25:47that didn't half look like one of those dancing judges.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53APPLAUSE
0:26:00 > 0:26:02PHONE RINGS
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Hello, Lee Mack's All-Star Cast.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05Ah, Rebecca Brooks.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09Oh, no, I can't have you on the show now, after what's happened.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10I did leave you a message.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14Not on your phone, on Hugh Grant's but I thought you'd still get it.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16TAPPING
0:26:16 > 0:26:17Come in!
0:26:17 > 0:26:18TAPPING
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Come in!
0:26:20 > 0:26:24RHYTHMIC TAPPING
0:26:27 > 0:26:30CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Take a day off, love.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Come in, Arlene. Make yourself at home. I'll get you a chair.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Thanks for inviting me on your show. I don't usually do this sort of thing.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Since the Strictly Come Dancing incident,
0:26:46 > 0:26:49some comedians just use these shows to make cheap jokes about my age.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55To be honest, if I hear one more joke about my age,
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I'm liable to punch somebody.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:07 > 0:27:12So Arlene Phillips, you were born in...
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Don't say the year!
0:27:14 > 0:27:17- I wasn't saying the year, I was saying, "Prestwich, Manchester..." - OK.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19"..68 years ago."
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Look, if I agreed to come on your show,
0:27:23 > 0:27:26could we talk about So You Think You Can Dance?
0:27:26 > 0:27:27Of course. Cat Deeley...
0:27:27 > 0:27:28is she single?
0:27:28 > 0:27:31I don't think she'd be interested!
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Fine. Doesn't bother me.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36I wouldn't want her round here, She'd scratch the furniture.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41I think she's sick to death of cat jokes.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45Doesn't matter if she is sick to death, she has another eight lives.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Got any other cat jokes you want to get off your chest?
0:27:49 > 0:27:51How do you think I feel?
0:27:51 > 0:27:53I have to put up with them all!
0:27:55 > 0:27:57APPLAUSE
0:27:59 > 0:28:02I'll tell you what, I'm all for getting into character,
0:28:02 > 0:28:05but you can clean that up yourself!
0:28:05 > 0:28:06KNOCK ON DOOR
0:28:06 > 0:28:07Ooh!
0:28:09 > 0:28:11It's my beloved landlady, Miss Drent!
0:28:11 > 0:28:14CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:28:15 > 0:28:17We need to have words.
0:28:17 > 0:28:18Why, didn't you get the script?
0:28:20 > 0:28:22I mean about the rent.
0:28:22 > 0:28:26You are five weeks behind, unlike the script,
0:28:26 > 0:28:27which is 30 years behind.
0:28:27 > 0:28:31Look, I promise, I'll have it for you next week. Scout's honour.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Don't believe him! He's not even a real scout!
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Bit old to be doing that, aren't you?
0:28:38 > 0:28:39Not you!
0:28:41 > 0:28:45This is your final warning, ferret-face.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48MUSIC: "Theme From Dynasty"
0:28:50 > 0:28:51How old are you?
0:28:51 > 0:28:5212.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Got something wrong with your hormones?
0:28:55 > 0:28:58- I can tell you how to make a- whore moan.- Go.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04I tell you what, you're good, but you're no Bob Carolgees.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:06 > 0:29:08Oi, oi! Where you going?
0:29:08 > 0:29:12To be honest, I still think you're going to make lots of stupid jokes about my age.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15Oh, don't be silly. Come on, sit down!
0:29:15 > 0:29:18You of all people shouldn't give up your seat.
0:29:18 > 0:29:20That was an accident, I promise.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23Arlene, don't go. I promise when you come on the show,
0:29:23 > 0:29:26- I won't even mention your age. - MUSIC STARTS
0:29:26 > 0:29:29- What's that?- Nothing.
0:29:30 > 0:29:34# Grandma, we love you
0:29:34 > 0:29:37# Grandma, we do
0:29:39 > 0:29:41# Though you may be far away
0:29:41 > 0:29:44# We think of you. #
0:29:47 > 0:29:49Oi, you, stop licking your balls.
0:29:56 > 0:30:00Thanks to David Haye for the loan of the mobility scooter.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02Let's meet the final members of tonight's cast.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05Yes, it's time for...
0:30:05 > 0:30:09# When will I, will I be famous?
0:30:09 > 0:30:13# For 15 seconds! #
0:30:16 > 0:30:20First up, it's last week's winner, Rudy. Are you there, Rudy Barrow?
0:30:20 > 0:30:27- Hey. How are you doing?- Have you named those fish yet?- Yes, I have.
0:30:27 > 0:30:32- Good, what have we called them? - Right, I've got GI Joe.- Nice.
0:30:32 > 0:30:37Ghost, Goldie, The Godfather, Gatekeeper,
0:30:37 > 0:30:39and I've named the little tiddler, Lee.
0:30:41 > 0:30:45Good job I've got a three-second memory or I'd have you for that.
0:30:45 > 0:30:49Good job I've got a three-second memory or I'd have you for that.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51So, what are you going to do for us tonight?
0:30:51 > 0:30:54Last week I only got out about two words of my song,
0:30:54 > 0:30:59so I'm going to do 15 songs in 15 seconds.
0:30:59 > 0:31:03Pretty impressive. Rudy Barrow, this is your 15 seconds of fame.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08# You can tell everybody
0:31:08 > 0:31:13# You're once, Fame, 21 Seconds, I believe, Holiday, Sweetness
0:31:13 > 0:31:18# Billie Jean, True Colours, I Just Called, Beautiful, Jammin'
0:31:18 > 0:31:20# Sexy Eye, Sonny, Hello... #
0:31:20 > 0:31:22KLAXON SOUNDS
0:31:22 > 0:31:24APPLAUSE
0:31:24 > 0:31:26Not bad, that's pretty good.
0:31:26 > 0:31:31Do you know what, I think you've found your true calling.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33Looking after goldfish.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35Is he a potential winner, Joan?
0:31:35 > 0:31:37I think he's very good.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40Very original to do 15 songs in 15 seconds.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42You have got the thumbs up from Joan Collins.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44Thank you very much, Joan.
0:31:44 > 0:31:47Thank you, Rudy Barrow. Let's hear it for Rudy.
0:31:47 > 0:31:49APPLAUSE
0:31:49 > 0:31:55- Kia Maxfield. Are you there, Kia? - Hi there, Lee.- How are you doing?
0:31:55 > 0:31:58- I'm fine, Lee. - What are you going to do for us?
0:31:58 > 0:32:02I'm going to sing a song made famous by Mr Louis Armstrong and his mother.
0:32:02 > 0:32:06OK, Kia Maxfield, this is your 15 seconds of fame.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08AS LOUIS # The colours of the rainbow
0:32:10 > 0:32:12AS HIS MOTHER # So pretty in the sky
0:32:12 > 0:32:15AS LOUIS # Are also on the faces
0:32:15 > 0:32:19MOTHER # Of people passing by
0:32:19 > 0:32:22LOUIS: # I see friends shaking hands... #
0:32:22 > 0:32:24KLAXON SOUNDS
0:32:24 > 0:32:26APPLAUSE
0:32:26 > 0:32:30Kia, did you do that live or were you miming?
0:32:30 > 0:32:32I was singing it live.
0:32:32 > 0:32:36Can you talk that way as well?
0:32:33 > 0:32:36AS LOUIS: I can if you want me to.
0:32:36 > 0:32:37APPLAUSE
0:32:37 > 0:32:39That's amazing.
0:32:39 > 0:32:40That's an amazing voice.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43Puberty must have been awful for you.
0:32:43 > 0:32:44She's a very talented bloke.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49You could have some fun with that.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51Waking up the next morning after a one night stand.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54"Thanks for last night, it were absolutely great!"
0:32:54 > 0:32:56"Honestly I can't thank you enough."
0:32:56 > 0:33:00Kia Maxfield, let's hear to for Kia!
0:33:00 > 0:33:01Thank you. APPLAUSE
0:33:01 > 0:33:04Scott Shortland, are you there, Scott?
0:33:04 > 0:33:07- Hello, Lee, how are you doing? - Hi, Joan.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09Are you some sort of cult?
0:33:11 > 0:33:13Why are the ladies wearing sunglasses?
0:33:13 > 0:33:17Having a rough day, Joan, you understand.
0:33:17 > 0:33:18- Ooh!- What did she say?
0:33:18 > 0:33:21I think she meant that in a very nice way.
0:33:22 > 0:33:25You know how to win over the judges, don't you?
0:33:25 > 0:33:26So what are you going to do?
0:33:26 > 0:33:30Basically, I'm going to shave my hair off with a new style.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33OK, Scott Shortland, this is your 15 seconds of fame.
0:33:33 > 0:33:34Thank you, Lee.
0:33:47 > 0:33:48Absolute idiot.
0:33:51 > 0:33:52KLAXON SOUNDS
0:33:52 > 0:33:54APPLAUSE
0:33:54 > 0:33:57Let's have a look, come close, closer to the camera.
0:33:57 > 0:34:01And the other side. Oh!
0:34:01 > 0:34:05Blimey! The last of the Mohicans has gone very middle class.
0:34:07 > 0:34:09If you win what will you shave for us next week?
0:34:11 > 0:34:14I wondered where Spit the Dog had gone.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18If you are picked as the winner, will you promise to spend
0:34:18 > 0:34:21all week with that and don't touch your hair?
0:34:21 > 0:34:23- Is that a deal?- That's a deal. - OK, it's a deal.
0:34:23 > 0:34:27- Let's hear it for Scott Shortland. - APPLAUSE
0:34:27 > 0:34:30- OK, decision time. Joan, what do we think?- Kia and Louis Armstrong.
0:34:30 > 0:34:34- The audience aren't disagreeing. - APPLAUSE
0:34:37 > 0:34:41- Ross?- Well, I will go with Joan.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44But to be fair, I think he should stay like that all week.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48Congratulations, Kia, you are now the champion of 15 seconds of fame!
0:34:48 > 0:34:51APPLAUSE
0:34:53 > 0:34:55How do you feel, Kia?
0:34:55 > 0:34:58AS LOUIS: I feel fantastic.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01- It's brilliant.- Let's hear it for Kia Maxfield. Thank you!
0:35:01 > 0:35:03APPLAUSE
0:35:03 > 0:35:04See you next week.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07If you want to be in 15 seconds of fame
0:35:07 > 0:35:09or take part in the all-star cast next week, go to -
0:35:13 > 0:35:16That's it. Thanks to all my members of the cast. Joan Collins!
0:35:16 > 0:35:18APPLAUSE
0:35:18 > 0:35:21Ross Noble. Tom Staves. Arlene Phillips.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23And of course, John.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25And our wonderful studio audience.
0:35:27 > 0:35:32Playing us out with their new single, Glad You Came, it's The Wanted!
0:35:35 > 0:35:40# The sun goes down, the stars come out
0:35:40 > 0:35:44# And all that counts is here and now
0:35:44 > 0:35:48# My universe will never be the same
0:35:48 > 0:35:50# I'm glad you came
0:36:08 > 0:36:11# You cast a spell on me, spell on me
0:36:11 > 0:36:14# You hit me like the sky fell on me, fell on me
0:36:14 > 0:36:19# I decided you look well on me, well on me
0:36:19 > 0:36:22# So let's go somewhere no one else can see you and me
0:36:22 > 0:36:24# Turn the lights out now
0:36:24 > 0:36:26# Now I'll take you by the hand
0:36:26 > 0:36:28# Hand you another drink
0:36:28 > 0:36:30# Drink it if you can
0:36:30 > 0:36:31# Can you spend a little time
0:36:31 > 0:36:34# Time is slipping away
0:36:34 > 0:36:35# Away from us so stay
0:36:35 > 0:36:38# Stay with me I can make
0:36:38 > 0:36:39# Make you glad you came
0:36:39 > 0:36:43# The sun goes down, the stars come out
0:36:43 > 0:36:47# And all that counts is here and now
0:36:47 > 0:36:51# My universe will never be the same
0:36:51 > 0:36:53# I'm glad you came
0:36:53 > 0:36:54# I'm glad you came
0:37:09 > 0:37:11# You cast a spell on me, spell on me
0:37:11 > 0:37:15# You hit me like the sky fell on me, fell on me
0:37:15 > 0:37:19# And I decided you look well on me, well on me
0:37:19 > 0:37:22# So let's go somewhere no on else can see you and me
0:37:22 > 0:37:25# Turn the lights down now
0:37:25 > 0:37:27# Now I take you by the hand
0:37:27 > 0:37:28# Hand you another drink
0:37:28 > 0:37:30# Drink it if you can
0:37:30 > 0:37:32# Can you spend a little time
0:37:32 > 0:37:34# Time is slipping away
0:37:34 > 0:37:36# Away from us so stay
0:37:36 > 0:37:38# Stay with me I can make
0:37:38 > 0:37:39# Make you glad you came
0:37:39 > 0:37:44# The sun goes down, the stars come out
0:37:44 > 0:37:47# And all that counts is here and now
0:37:47 > 0:37:51# My universe will never be the same
0:37:51 > 0:37:53# I'm glad you came
0:37:53 > 0:37:55# I'm glad you came
0:37:55 > 0:37:57# Whoa-oh-oh-oh
0:37:57 > 0:37:59# Oh-oh-oh-oh
0:37:59 > 0:38:01# Who-oh-oh-oh
0:38:01 > 0:38:02# I'm glad you came
0:38:02 > 0:38:04# Whoa-oh-oh-oh
0:38:04 > 0:38:06# Oh-oh-oh-oh
0:38:06 > 0:38:08# Whoa-oh-oh-oh
0:38:08 > 0:38:10# I'm glad you came
0:38:10 > 0:38:12# Whoa-oh-oh-oh
0:38:12 > 0:38:14# Oh-oh-oh-oh
0:38:14 > 0:38:16# Whoa-oh-oh-oh
0:38:16 > 0:38:17# So glad you came
0:38:17 > 0:38:19# Whoa-oh-oh-oh
0:38:19 > 0:38:22# Oh-oh-oh-oh
0:38:22 > 0:38:23# Oh-oh-oh-oh
0:38:23 > 0:38:25# I'm glad you came
0:38:25 > 0:38:30# The sun goes down, the stars come out
0:38:30 > 0:38:33# And all that counts is here and now
0:38:33 > 0:38:37# My universe will never be the same
0:38:37 > 0:38:40# I'm glad you came
0:38:40 > 0:38:42# I'm glad you came. #
0:38:45 > 0:38:46Thank you very much.
0:38:46 > 0:38:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:51 > 0:38:55Join me, Lee Mack, on my show Lee Mack's All-star Cast,
0:38:55 > 0:38:58when my guests will be Ugly Betty star, Ashley Jensen,
0:38:58 > 0:39:00and pop sensation JLS.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03Right, you're a fake, you're a fake, you're a fake. Go.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07It's just me and you, Joan.
0:39:07 > 0:39:10- I'm not a fake.- I'll get my coat.
0:39:10 > 0:39:14Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd