0:00:02 > 0:00:05Hi, homies! Welcome to the totally sick Lee Mack's All Star Cast,
0:00:05 > 0:00:09the fly joint that pimps up everyday home-girls like me.
0:00:09 > 0:00:10Fo shizzle, mother.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13See? Who says this show doesn't appeal to the young ones?
0:00:32 > 0:00:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:35 > 0:00:39GOSPEL SINGING
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Oh, I'm regretting that! Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:54 > 0:00:58let's hear it for my house choir, The Gospel Honest Truth!
0:00:58 > 0:01:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:02So called because they always tell the truth.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Have you enjoyed this series? Don't answer that.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Good evening and welcome to the show. In my all star cast tonight,
0:01:09 > 0:01:13she's the star of Extras and Ugly Betty, it's Ashley Jensen.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Joining us on the sofa and debuting their new single, it's JLS!
0:01:19 > 0:01:22SCREAMING
0:01:24 > 0:01:28We've also got stand-up from the fantastic Tommy Tiernan.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Sadly, there were some people we weren't able to cast for the show this week.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39We couldn't cast Daniel Radcliffe as he's celebrating breaking box office records
0:01:39 > 0:01:41with the final Harry Potter.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45What a position to be in. Just 21 years old and he still has his whole life behind him.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49Daniel should be well-prepared for his future after the Harry Potter series.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53He's done a levitating spell, he's done a transforming spell,
0:01:53 > 0:01:55now he can get to grips with his dry spell.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Don't worry - just cos you're a child star doesn't mean you haven't got a future, Daniel.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04If you don't believe me, pop along to Macaulay Culkin's key-cutting and trophy emporium.
0:02:04 > 0:02:10Now the Harry Potter films are over, Draco Malfoy actor, Tom Felton, has said he wants to be a rapper.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12I can only think of one rap song about Harry Potter.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16I've Got 99 Problems, But Quidditch Ain't One.
0:02:16 > 0:02:22Robbie Williams couldn't be here tonight as he's recovering after falling ill with food poisoning.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24There he is. With Mark Owen.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Sorry, his drip.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Robbie suffered food poisoning after eating dodgy lobsters in Copenhagen,
0:02:29 > 0:02:34which meant Take That had to cancel a concert. It was awful. They were clearly past their best,
0:02:34 > 0:02:37said one fan who went to see the band the night before.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40He hung on till the last minute, hoping he would get better,
0:02:40 > 0:02:45but finally had no choice but to cancel it. There's no way he could hold back the flood.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49We also couldn't cast Simon Cowell tonight. Apparently he's too busy
0:02:49 > 0:02:52drinking these anti-aging smoothies. Did you hear about this?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Let's be honest, at 51, he doesn't look a day over 30.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57No, he looks a year over 50.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Actually, I start the day with a miracle drink of my own. It takes
0:03:01 > 0:03:03years off your life. Vodka.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07To be fair, he's had a close eye on his waistline for ages.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Of course he has, it's up to here.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Take your time.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19Someone's just going, "Oh, I get it, yeah - drip!"
0:03:22 > 0:03:26But luckily, we have been able to cast you, the studio audience!
0:03:26 > 0:03:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:32 > 0:03:37Once again, I'm looking for one of you to join me in my sketch later in the show. Tonight, I'm after someone
0:03:37 > 0:03:41who oozes sex appeal. Think of the last time you tried to look sexy.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44In my case, it's when me and the wife do a bit of role-playing.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Less doctors and nurses, more patient and carer.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Hey, those bed sores don't lance themselves.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53So, everyone - hi, girls.
0:03:53 > 0:04:00So, everyone, prepare your sexy faces - three, two, one...
0:04:00 > 0:04:02HE WHISTLES
0:04:07 > 0:04:10This was a huge mistake.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Some great pictures there. Right, let's have a closer look at some of you.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20LAUGHTER
0:04:22 > 0:04:25You know what?
0:04:25 > 0:04:29I don't know about the sex appeal, but you're certainly oozing something.
0:04:29 > 0:04:34- What's your name?- Tracy.- Tell me, have you got a sexy story to go with that face?
0:04:34 > 0:04:39- We were in the woods one evening doing our courting...- You were in the woods doing your courting?
0:04:39 > 0:04:43- Yeah. Yeah.- Are you a badger?- No. LAUGHTER
0:04:43 > 0:04:48- Who's we?- My husband and I, Graham. - Right. Did you find him in the woods,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- or were you with him before you went in?- A motocross cyclist
0:04:51 > 0:04:53came along at the crucial point, you know...
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
0:04:54 > 0:04:59- Rewind a little bit there. When you say, the crucial point... - Well, you know.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03- So basically, at the moment of joy, shall we call it?- Yeah. Ecstasy.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Ecstasy. That's another way of putting it. At that point...
0:05:06 > 0:05:12A motocross cyclist came along with his headlights on full, Graham's backside was in the full beam and...
0:05:12 > 0:05:16- Was there a full moon?- Yeah!
0:05:16 > 0:05:19And when I went to work the next day, this young lad, we were
0:05:19 > 0:05:23staff training and he said, "Guess what I saw last night?
0:05:23 > 0:05:27"This couple in the woods really going for it", and I just spat my coffee out. It was us!
0:05:27 > 0:05:29- OK, thanks, Tracy! - APPLAUSE
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Right, let's have a look at another one.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37LAUGHTER
0:05:40 > 0:05:44When I said sex face, I didn't say you should grow a beard and look like a '70s porn star.
0:05:44 > 0:05:50- What's your name?- Pete. - What's your story, Pete? - Um, I was in a bar one night,
0:05:50 > 0:05:53felt somebody come up behind me, started groping my bum,
0:05:53 > 0:05:57then I heard this bloke going, "I do like big women."
0:05:57 > 0:06:01And when I turned round, I think the beard put him off, really.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02LAUGHTER
0:06:02 > 0:06:07- I've got off with worse transvestites. - Well, he bought me a drink.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- You let him buy you a drink?- Yeah.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Was that the last thing you remember, then you woke up in his cellar.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16HE PRETENDS HE'S GAGGED
0:06:16 > 0:06:20- OK, thanks a lot, Pete! - APPLAUSE
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Right, shall we have at look at someone else?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28LAUGHTER
0:06:28 > 0:06:30I said sex face, not a sex case.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- What's your name?- Helen.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- What inspired you to the sexy face there?- Many, many years ago,
0:06:36 > 0:06:40I was woken in my sleep with a distressed call...
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- Oh, yeah!- ..from a friend... No, she needed my help.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46I was naked. I quickly just grabbed the first thing,
0:06:46 > 0:06:49which was an elasticated skirt, which just covered my assets.
0:06:49 > 0:06:54- You got the skirt and just put it over like that?- Yeah, literally. Just about covered everything.
0:06:54 > 0:07:00Got in the car, I was bombing it down the road to go and get to her, then I saw the blue flashing lights.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Pulls up, tells me to get out of the car, and I said, "I really can't."
0:07:03 > 0:07:07He can see that I'm sort of half naked, everything's showing.
0:07:07 > 0:07:12So I explained my story and he just said, "Under the circumstances, go and save your friend."
0:07:12 > 0:07:17- Did he ask to look under the bonnet? - No, he didn't! Just as well, eh?
0:07:17 > 0:07:21- Let's hear it for Helen! - APPLAUSE
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Shall we have a look at another one of you?
0:07:25 > 0:07:26LAUGHTER
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Do you know what... Oh.
0:07:27 > 0:07:33Do you know what? If I ever go to jail, you're exactly what I think my prison husband would look like.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35LAUGHTER
0:07:37 > 0:07:41- What's your name, sir?- Stewart. - Hello, Stewart. Do you find your sexy face comes in useful?
0:07:41 > 0:07:47I don't really need to use my sexy face. My sex appeal's in my shoes.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49- It's in your shoes?- Yeah. I've got sort of size 15 shoes,
0:07:49 > 0:07:52and you know what they say about the size of a man's shoes.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54- What do they say?- Big socks.
0:07:54 > 0:07:59Big socks. Take them off, put them over the woman's head, carry them home. Perfect.
0:07:59 > 0:08:05- Perfect. Let's hear it for Stewart. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Right, I've made my decision. Do you know what? Because it's the last show,
0:08:09 > 0:08:14you're all winners! We'll see you all in the sketch later on.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- Shall we crack on and meet the guests?- AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:08:18 > 0:08:22GOSPEL SINGING
0:08:26 > 0:08:29My first guest tonight starred in Ugly Betty and Extras.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Weirdly, I used to have a masseuse called Ugly Betty.
0:08:32 > 0:08:37She did extras, too. My second guests have a lot in common with spiders.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41They've got eight legs, when girls see them, they scream...
0:08:41 > 0:08:42THE AUDIENCE SCREAMS
0:08:42 > 0:08:46..and funnily enough, I found one stuck in my bath the other day.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Don't worry, I put a glass over him and released him - it was Aston.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Ladies and gentlemen, it's Ashley Jensen and JLS!
0:08:51 > 0:08:54SCREAMING
0:08:54 > 0:08:57GOSPEL SINGING
0:09:12 > 0:09:17Ha-ha-ha! What a gentleman, what a gentleman. Hello! How are you?
0:09:17 > 0:09:21- Very well, thank you. - How are you?- I was going to kiss you.- Go on, let's hug.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Let's have some man love! Yeah! I'm getting it, ladies.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26I'm getting it! I'm getting it! I'm loving it!
0:09:26 > 0:09:31I'm getting it and you lot are getting none of it!
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Now, can I say something? On behalf of every 42-year-old man in the country,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38- pull your bloody trousers up. - LAUGHTER
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Honestly.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45Before we do anything, Aston, can you just sign this for my friend's daughter?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48It's her birthday. The Aston doll.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- What's her name? - Don't worry about the name.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- Just put er... - LAUGHTER
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Just put, congratulations on being the highest bidder.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00LAUGHTER
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Thank you. What are you waiting for? Do you want me to spell it?!
0:10:08 > 0:10:10They've all got wee dolls?
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Ashley's been away, so she's not up to date. Thank you very much.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Get that on eBay.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- Did you see the sexy faces backstage?- Yeah. I loved them.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22You must do sexy faces in the movies?
0:10:22 > 0:10:27What's weird is, when I went to LA I suddenly had to know how to walk..
0:10:27 > 0:10:29along a red carpet.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Once you see photographs of yourself looking like a potato going...
0:10:33 > 0:10:38You learn your sexy pose and your sexy faces.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40And you learn to do things like...
0:10:40 > 0:10:41You get side on, shoulders back,
0:10:41 > 0:10:43stomach in, bend your leg a bit.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Like that, lean back a bit.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48CHEERING
0:10:48 > 0:10:51It's an art form, nobody teaches you that at drama school!
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Don't stop, carry on!
0:10:53 > 0:10:58If you're Scottish and look like a potato, what's wrong with that? The blokes'll go, "Hm, chips."
0:10:58 > 0:10:59That's true.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00True.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03What about you guys? Sexy poses?
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Marvin's probably got the biggest sexy faces.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08SCREAMING DROWNS OUT WORDS
0:11:08 > 0:11:10- He's got a smoulder.- Yeah.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Let's see your sexy face. Come on.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15I can't do it now! CHEERING AND SHOUTING
0:11:15 > 0:11:21There is a reason why you're not trying to look sexy to appeal to the girls because rumour is
0:11:21 > 0:11:24that you're getting engaged. Is that right?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26That's what we've heard in the papers.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- Wow!- See, I mean... - First we've heard.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33- I'd like to know.- Yeah, cos, it's in a magazine, what? Last week.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Apparently they know I'm going to propose,
0:11:36 > 0:11:39where I'm going to buy a ring. It's like, give me a chance!
0:11:39 > 0:11:41So you're going to buy a ring!
0:11:41 > 0:11:43I ain't confirming anything.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Of course, it's Rochelle from The Saturdays.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49It's spoiling any element of surprise for the poor girl, isn't it?
0:11:49 > 0:11:53- Yeah.- Know what I mean? So it's true, it's going to happen? Well, like I...
0:11:53 > 0:11:54LAUGHTER
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Listen, seriously, joking apart,
0:11:56 > 0:11:59if you are thinking it's going to happen soon, can I just say,
0:11:59 > 0:12:03what better way to do it than on a national TV programme on
0:12:03 > 0:12:04a Saturday night.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07LAUGHTER
0:12:07 > 0:12:09She's got to be here!
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Of course she has.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Three rules - she has to be here,
0:12:12 > 0:12:14the right sort of mood lighting,
0:12:14 > 0:12:16and you have to have music, don't you?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:12:18 > 0:12:20LAUGHTER
0:12:22 > 0:12:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:28 > 0:12:31On your knees. On your knees!
0:12:35 > 0:12:38HOWLS OF LAUGHTER
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Anything you want to say to me, Marvin?
0:12:44 > 0:12:49I don't like being down on one knee in this position with Lee.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51LAUGHTER
0:12:51 > 0:12:53- He didn't ask me!- Aw!
0:12:53 > 0:12:57See, I wanted to pull his trousers right up as well, there.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59- Of course you're already married. - I am, yes.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01- And you live in LA.- I do, yes.
0:13:01 > 0:13:07- Do you like it?- I do. It took a bit of adjusting the first two years but, erm, I quite like it now.
0:13:07 > 0:13:13I still hanker after Britain and, I don't know, we might come back.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16I'm not being rude but it's like...full of weirdos, innit?
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Isn't it?! You get a more eccentric person in LA.
0:13:19 > 0:13:24You do. In fact, there is a guy you often see... Well, Jesus.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27A man dressed as Jesus walks about.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Round about Easter he carries a cross. LAUGHTER
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Hang on, he doesn't look like a big woman from behind, does he?
0:13:36 > 0:13:42I believe JLS might be returning to X Factor, is this a true rumour?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Er, well... If we're invited.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48- I heard you'd be mentoring. - Yeah, we'd love to go to the judges' houses stage and do that.
0:13:48 > 0:13:53How do you feel about the whole Simon - Cheryl...row.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57You can never know because obviously, you know, whatever's
0:13:57 > 0:14:00happened behind closed doors with those guys, no-one will ever know.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01Just hazard a guess.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05I'm not letting that go!
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Whatever did happen, I think...
0:14:07 > 0:14:11- We'd have to split up two and two. - Yeah.- Do that then.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- Two on each side. - Who's on Cheryl's side?
0:14:13 > 0:14:14LAUGHTER
0:14:14 > 0:14:18The accent thing - was it a problem for you with your accent in America?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Didn't you do Ugly Betty in an American accent?
0:14:21 > 0:14:26Well, yeah, I think they thought my accent in America was ridiculous enough...
0:14:26 > 0:14:28LAUGHTER ..to use my own accent.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31They were like, "Why try to morph her into being American
0:14:31 > 0:14:33"when, that's funnier."
0:14:33 > 0:14:35You met the Beckhams. Is that true, did they come on set?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- She was in it. - Yeah, away at the beginning.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41I remember, my friend Derek, who was playing my husband in the show,
0:14:41 > 0:14:46we sat there going, "David Beckham's out there, what'll we do?"
0:14:46 > 0:14:50"Are we going to sit here or go out and speak to David Beckham?"
0:14:50 > 0:14:54And we were like, "Come on, let's do it!" We went out and I said, "Hello, I'm Ashley Jensen."
0:14:54 > 0:14:56IMITATES: He went, "Brooklyn, Romeo,
0:14:56 > 0:15:00"this is the lady that plays Christina in Ugly Betty."
0:15:00 > 0:15:04- That's a good impression. A very good impression. - APPLAUSE
0:15:08 > 0:15:09Do you do any other impressions?
0:15:09 > 0:15:13I used to do Frank Spencer when I was a child. Why did I say that now?!
0:15:13 > 0:15:15You can't do a good one, go on, give us a Frank Spencer.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17IMITATES: I did a bit of Frank.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20I love it, I love it!
0:15:20 > 0:15:25- Do you do impressions? - Um, we try to. We do ridiculous... He does good impressions.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27- Marvin, who do you do? - CHEERING AND SHOUTING
0:15:27 > 0:15:29We have a request!
0:15:29 > 0:15:33- Who do you do?- Arnie.- You do him. - No, you do Arnie!
0:15:33 > 0:15:37IMITATES: Come on, Lee, do it now, do ten press-ups now, get down!
0:15:37 > 0:15:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Listen, guys, we played a game before we came in tonight.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45It's called the Do You Know JLS game.
0:15:45 > 0:15:50So we asked our audience, which one of these guys do you think would make the best woman?
0:15:50 > 0:15:54Now, the question is, what do you think they said?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- JB.- JB? - AUDIENCE SHOUTS
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- Or Aston.- See, no, Marvin, cos he looks like Rochelle!
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Yes, it's true!
0:16:03 > 0:16:06APPLAUSE
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Ashley, who do you think would make the best woman out of these four?
0:16:10 > 0:16:11- I think JB. Yeah. - All right.
0:16:11 > 0:16:1314% went for JB.
0:16:13 > 0:16:1528% went for Marvin.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16Oh, wow.
0:16:16 > 0:16:22- Now, 8% went for Oritse. - I'm definitely a guy!
0:16:22 > 0:16:25CHEERING Hold on, how much...
0:16:25 > 0:16:28That's the worst thing I've ever heard!
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Is that you r chat-up line? See me, I'm definitely a guy!
0:16:32 > 0:16:3350% went for Aston.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37CHEERING
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- It's all right being feminine. - So I look like a girl.
0:16:40 > 0:16:41You don't look like a girl.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44You don't. You look like a...very attractive boy.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47LAUGHTER
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Like Sigourney Weaver.
0:16:49 > 0:16:54Which one would make the best Mastermind contestant?
0:16:54 > 0:16:57ALL: JB!
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- That seems to be unanimous.- Exactly, JB.- JB, you got 54% of the votes.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Thanks. CHEERING
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Oritse, a respectable 28%. Marvin, 16%.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09I'll get one!
0:17:09 > 0:17:11It's not looking good, Aston.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Do you want to know how many percent?
0:17:13 > 0:17:17- Yeah, I do, yeah. - Read it and weep.- Aw!
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- Two percent.- Can't have brains and looks at the same time.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23I thought you were going to say you can't be a woman and intelligent.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27Sorry, I didn't say that! I thought he was going to say!
0:17:27 > 0:17:31I thought he was going to say it!
0:17:31 > 0:17:32BOOING AND LAUGHTER
0:17:32 > 0:17:38- Steady on.- My final one, when they bring out the new range of pants,
0:17:38 > 0:17:42they're bringing out their new range of pants. Right. Who will sell the most?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44AUDIENCE SHOUT
0:17:44 > 0:17:48I'll give you a clue now. This is the biggest runaway result of all of them.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49Is it Aston?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Aston - 72%!
0:17:52 > 0:17:56CHEERING
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Do you know what?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01I genuinely got a sample from the manufacturers,
0:18:01 > 0:18:05and I could choose any one I wanted, want to have a look?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08LAUGHTER
0:18:13 > 0:18:15APPLAUSE
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Ashley!
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Look!
0:18:36 > 0:18:40Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for our special stand-up comedy guest.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43We're joined by a fantastic comedian, he's appearing in Laughs In The Park.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I'm delighted he's here, he's one of my favourites in the world,
0:18:46 > 0:18:49please welcome the brilliant Tommy Tiernan!
0:18:49 > 0:18:51APPLAUSE
0:18:51 > 0:18:53# Get up, Stand up
0:18:53 > 0:18:56# Stand up for your rights. #
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Thank you very much. My name is Tommy. I'm from Ireland.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04CHEERING
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Yeah.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10As you know, Ireland is in a big recession at the moment.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12There's no money.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16That's why I'm here.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19The whole country is on the dole. Everybody.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Even the lady who gives out the dole,
0:19:23 > 0:19:27is on the dole.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31But I don't think it's anything that Irish people need to be afraid of.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34We're used to hard times. We've always had recession.
0:19:34 > 0:19:39Going back to the great potato recession...
0:19:39 > 0:19:42of the 1840s.
0:19:42 > 0:19:48When two million people died because of no potatoes.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Heaped on top of one another in the ditches.
0:19:51 > 0:19:57"No! No! No potatoes!"
0:19:58 > 0:20:03The fields were full of cabbages and sweetcorn,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06but, "No, I don't like cabbage!
0:20:06 > 0:20:09"I don't like the smell of it!
0:20:09 > 0:20:13"It reminds me of the inside of a psychiatric hospital.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15"Sweetcorn?!
0:20:15 > 0:20:19"Don't be talking to me about sweetcorn.
0:20:19 > 0:20:26"All sweetcorn does is hitch a lift from your mouth to your arse
0:20:27 > 0:20:32"I'd rather die in a ditch of no potatoes
0:20:32 > 0:20:37"than have sweetcorn laughing at me."
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Now, politicians are coming to Ireland now to try
0:20:44 > 0:20:48and cheer us up, and Barack Obama came and he said,
0:20:48 > 0:20:54"Ireland, your best days are ahead of you!"
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Great.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01And what'll we do in the meantime?
0:21:01 > 0:21:05That's like going for a drink with somebody and saying,
0:21:05 > 0:21:08"Jaysus, we'll have some session next month."
0:21:10 > 0:21:12I got married recently.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14THEY CHEER
0:21:18 > 0:21:22It's important, during a marriage, to make an effort, isn't it?
0:21:22 > 0:21:26And I snore! Or do I?
0:21:28 > 0:21:32It's just an excuse for me wife to hit me, that's all it is!
0:21:33 > 0:21:35I have made an effort.
0:21:35 > 0:21:40I got all this equipment from the anti-snoring association.
0:21:40 > 0:21:45I bought it all. And I wear it all at the same time.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50It's like a home-made Hannibal Lecter kit.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57I wear a strip across my nose to open up the nasal passageways.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00I wear a blue rubber mouthguard
0:22:00 > 0:22:05to stop the air going down my throat,
0:22:05 > 0:22:09and to stop my jaw from falling open,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12I wear a strap.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13A strap!
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Across me head!
0:22:15 > 0:22:19Like I'm in a Victorian mental hospital!
0:22:21 > 0:22:24And, when it's all on, I can't talk. I can't talk!
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Which is fine, except we have small children,
0:22:29 > 0:22:32and sometimes they wake up in the middle of the night,
0:22:32 > 0:22:36and it'll be my turn to go in and comfort them.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43I roll out of the bed,
0:22:43 > 0:22:46plowing across the landing with me big hobbit feet,
0:22:46 > 0:22:50into the child, "What's wrong with you?!
0:22:53 > 0:22:58"What d'you mean you can't sleep?! There's nothing to be afraid of!
0:22:59 > 0:23:05"Your father is here now. Will I tell you a story?
0:23:05 > 0:23:08"Once upon a time there was a man and he wasn't getting any rest,
0:23:08 > 0:23:11"and he went insane!"
0:23:13 > 0:23:15That's all from me, folks, thank you.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18CHEERING
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Ladies and gentlemen, Tommy Tiernan.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25CHEERING
0:23:27 > 0:23:29OK, let's meet the members of tonight's cast
0:23:29 > 0:23:32who can't even be bothered to leave their living room.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Yes, it's time for...
0:23:34 > 0:23:39# When will I, will I be famous? #
0:23:39 > 0:23:42# For 15 seconds, yeah! #
0:23:42 > 0:23:45CHEERING
0:23:45 > 0:23:46Wonderful.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50You should join a band! That's how good you are.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Yes, 15 seconds of fame, and joining us on the sofa
0:23:53 > 0:23:56to help judge the talent, it's Mr Tommy Tiernan.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59CHEERING
0:23:59 > 0:24:01OK, first up, it's last week's winner, Kaiya Maxfield.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05- Are you there, Kaiya?- I'm here.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Blimey, you've changed since last week.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09First of all, you now seem to have half a moustache,
0:24:09 > 0:24:13but more worryingly, you've got a violin growing out of your ear.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16So what are you going to do for us this week?
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- I'm going to perform a unique act. - A unique act.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Not the first time that's been said to me on the internet, carry on.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26Kaiya Maxfield, this is your 15 seconds of fame.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30ALTERNATING VOICES: # Don't go breaking my heart
0:24:30 > 0:24:33# I wouldn't if I tried
0:24:34 > 0:24:39# Oh honey, you know that I'm getting restless
0:24:39 > 0:24:41# Baby you're not that kind. #
0:24:41 > 0:24:44KLAXON BLARES
0:24:44 > 0:24:45APPLAUSE
0:24:48 > 0:24:50She's a lovely woman but a bit too-faced.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56- What do we think, guys. Tommy? - A bit scary looking, eh...
0:24:58 > 0:25:01..when she looks that way she looks a bit like Daley Thompson.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05- Ashley, you liking it?- She looks like Miss World or something
0:25:05 > 0:25:07when she turns that way, with the crown on.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Very glamorous woman.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Thumbs up or thumbs down from JLS?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- Yeah, I'm going to give her the thumbs up.- Yeah.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17It's good enough for us. OK, thanks very much, it's Kaiya Maxfield.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Well done, Kaiya. Ron Jakes, are you there, Ron?
0:25:22 > 0:25:26- Yes, Ron Jakes, yes.- Blimey, are you coming straight from prison?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28LAUGHTER
0:25:28 > 0:25:29That's a disturbing looking image.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Right, OK, what are you going to for us tonight?
0:25:32 > 0:25:36I'm going to be doing some Beyonce booty action.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38WOO!
0:25:38 > 0:25:40JLS, watch this, you'll like this.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43LAUGHTER
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Here we go, Ron Jakes, this is your 15 seconds of fame.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49# All the single ladies... #
0:26:05 > 0:26:06KLAXON BLARES
0:26:09 > 0:26:12First question's got to be to Tommy. Did you like the crack?!
0:26:13 > 0:26:15He's Irish!
0:26:15 > 0:26:17I think if you listen carefully
0:26:17 > 0:26:19you can hear the Lycra screaming for help.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26- Ashley, are we liking that? - Yeah, well, everybody's got a skill.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Do you know, not many men can pull of a mankini, but -
0:26:29 > 0:26:32don't pull of the mankini, that's not what I meant!
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Ladies and gentleman, it's Ron Jakes.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40- Vicky Edmonds, are you with us? - Yes, I'm here, Lee.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42What are you going to do for us tonight?
0:26:42 > 0:26:45- I would like to show you my performing puppies.- What?!
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Wow.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Vicky, I've already got you down as the favourite.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57Uh, OK. Vicky Edmonds, with her performing puppies,
0:26:57 > 0:26:58this is your 15 seconds of fame.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- Oh, no.- Oh, here we go!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03DISAPPOINTED GROAN FROM AUDIENCE
0:27:05 > 0:27:10Oh, no! The wicked witch has turned me into a dog!
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Oh, no, turn me back!
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Hello!
0:27:17 > 0:27:18KLAXON SOUNDS
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Bit of advice, I think you should drop the woman from your act.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26Was it supposed to be, like,
0:27:26 > 0:27:29were you supposed to have turned someone into a dog?
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Aston, come over here, sit on my knee.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Come over here, come here.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Come here, come over here.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38AUDIENCE CHEER
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Eh, do you know what?
0:27:40 > 0:27:45There was no person in the story, it was both a little doggy.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47They were both doggies.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49It started with a doggy and ended with a doggy.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Eh, come on, get your head down, have a little sleep.
0:27:52 > 0:27:57There's no people, it's all doggies.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59APPLAUSE
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Go and sit with your older brothers.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07If you could just stay online a bit longer, Vicky,
0:28:07 > 0:28:10cos we're just trying to get the RSPCA to locate you.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Ladies and gentlemen, it's Vicky Edmonds!
0:28:14 > 0:28:15APPLAUSE
0:28:15 > 0:28:19- Scott Robson, you there, Scott?- Yes.- Hello, Scott.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23So, tell me this, Scott Robson, what are you going to do for us tonight?
0:28:23 > 0:28:26I'm hoping to make a big impression on you.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Good answer.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31We like you already. Scott Robson, this is your 15 seconds of fame.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35IMITATING VOICES: Hello, I'm Joe Pasquale.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38And I'm Captain Sparrow. And Marge Simpson.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41And Rachel Adedeji. That was awful.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Oh, Matron. I don't believe it!
0:28:44 > 0:28:48Mr Norton, take out your wand. Mm-hmm-hmm-hmm.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:50 > 0:28:53That was good, wasn't it?
0:28:55 > 0:28:58Six weeks and finally we've found someone talented!
0:29:00 > 0:29:03- Ashley, did you like him? - Yes, he was my number one.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06He's your number one. You're looking good, looking really good, Scott.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09- JLS?- I think he's got a job. - He's got a job?- Yes.
0:29:09 > 0:29:10Scott, have you got a job?
0:29:11 > 0:29:13Um, not currently, no, unfortunately.
0:29:13 > 0:29:17You managed to say something positive and upset him.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23So, who do you want to crown as this week's 15 seconds fame winner?
0:29:23 > 0:29:25AUDIENCE SHOUT "SCOTT!"
0:29:25 > 0:29:29- OK, to Tommy first.- Yeah. - Go to deviant judge first.
0:29:29 > 0:29:34I think the man wearing the cheese string should win.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37- That was brave.- Tommy's liking the mankini man. Ashley?
0:29:37 > 0:29:39Well, I liked Scott at the end,
0:29:39 > 0:29:41but I would quite like to see mankini's encore.
0:29:41 > 0:29:45We don't want to see his encore.
0:29:45 > 0:29:49The boys of JLS, what's your decision? You have to speak as one.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52You know what, if this is going to be Lee Mack's Got Talent
0:29:52 > 0:29:55right now, I'm going to have to go with Scott.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57CHEERING
0:29:57 > 0:30:02OK, congratulations, Scott, you are now the champion of Fifteen Seconds Of Fame
0:30:02 > 0:30:04How do you feel?
0:30:04 > 0:30:08Absolutely amazing. Excellent. Thank you.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11The crown will be winging its way to you.
0:30:11 > 0:30:12Hey, question for JLS.
0:30:12 > 0:30:15Have you ever had the urge to dress up as women
0:30:15 > 0:30:16and come back to my place, eh?
0:30:16 > 0:30:18Of course you have.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21APPLAUSE
0:30:31 > 0:30:33PHONE RINGS
0:30:33 > 0:30:36Lee Mack's All Star Cast. Oh, hi, Mr Murdoch.
0:30:36 > 0:30:39Yeah, I can't believe you were attacked with a custard pie
0:30:39 > 0:30:41and your wife had to dive in and save you.
0:30:41 > 0:30:44Can I ask a question on everyone's lips?
0:30:44 > 0:30:46How the hell did you pull her?
0:30:46 > 0:30:48KNOCK AT DOOR
0:30:52 > 0:30:54It's TV's Emma Bunton!
0:30:54 > 0:30:56CHEERING
0:30:57 > 0:31:01What's a Spice Girl like you doing in a place like this?
0:31:01 > 0:31:04Er, my agent said you wanted to see me about being on the show.
0:31:04 > 0:31:06Yeah, take a seat. Not over there.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08No-one puts baby in the corner.
0:31:08 > 0:31:09LAUGHTER
0:31:09 > 0:31:12- Is it all right to call you Baby? - Well, it depends.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15Do you mind if I call you Grandad?
0:31:17 > 0:31:20Seriously, do me a favour, if I do come on the show,
0:31:20 > 0:31:22can you stop harping on about the Spice Girls?
0:31:22 > 0:31:26- OK, why don't we talk about you judging on Dancing On Ice?- Fine.
0:31:26 > 0:31:28I'm a massive fan of Orville and Dean.
0:31:29 > 0:31:31It's Torvill.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33Orville and Torvill?
0:31:33 > 0:31:36No, Jane Torvill and Christopher Dean.
0:31:36 > 0:31:38So who's Orville?
0:31:38 > 0:31:40Oh, it's that little bird with the funny eyes.
0:31:40 > 0:31:44I know, you said - Jane Torvill, but which one's Orville?
0:31:44 > 0:31:47Maybe I should talk about something else. Yes, er...
0:31:47 > 0:31:48Oh, I do Heart radio.
0:31:48 > 0:31:52Oh, I don't. I heart telly. It's much better.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55You don't get Babestation on the radio.
0:31:55 > 0:31:57KNOCK AT DOOR
0:31:59 > 0:32:02It's my beloved landlady Miss Drent!
0:32:02 > 0:32:04CHEERING
0:32:07 > 0:32:09I've been asking for rent for the past six weeks now
0:32:09 > 0:32:14and I've actually had enough, so right now I've got back up.
0:32:14 > 0:32:16You can meet...my sisters.
0:32:16 > 0:32:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:32:29 > 0:32:31- VERY HIGH PITCHED VOICE:- Listen!
0:32:33 > 0:32:36We ain't going nowhere till we get what we came for.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39Blimey, you should change your name from JLS to PMT!
0:32:40 > 0:32:42Pay up or else.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44I tell you what, I'll flip you for it.
0:32:44 > 0:32:48It's a deal, show him Aston. I mean, Angie.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59CHEERING
0:33:14 > 0:33:16APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:33:26 > 0:33:28Come on, girlfriends, we outta here.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32Whoa! Whoa! Girlfriends?
0:33:32 > 0:33:33I thought you said sisters?
0:33:33 > 0:33:37If you're all girlfriends, you're welcome round here any time.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46- Now, the Spice Girls... - What did I say before?
0:33:46 > 0:33:49Can we just stop going on about the Spice Girls?
0:33:49 > 0:33:50OK, sorry.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54Ciga-cigar?
0:33:54 > 0:33:55I'm not joking.
0:33:55 > 0:34:00- I didn't get you round here to talk about coming on my show anyway. - Well, what am I doing here then?
0:34:00 > 0:34:03I'm putting together a tribute band and I'm one short.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:34:17 > 0:34:19I'm a baby short of a full set.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21You're a sandwich short of a picnic!
0:34:21 > 0:34:23No, Geri ate that.
0:34:25 > 0:34:27Who do you think you are?
0:34:27 > 0:34:29Oh, good! You remember the words then.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:34:37 > 0:34:42I'm here for the Spice Girls tribute auditions.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44- I think you might be a bit old, love.- No, no, no!
0:34:44 > 0:34:48Not me - it's my granddaughter.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53# I'll tell you what I want What I really, really want
0:34:53 > 0:34:55# I want hey I want hey
0:34:55 > 0:34:56# I want a hey hey hey he. #
0:34:56 > 0:34:58Perfect, you're in.
0:34:58 > 0:35:00APPLAUSE
0:35:05 > 0:35:10Spare a thought for the runner who had to change Tommy's nappies after that.
0:35:10 > 0:35:11That's it for tonight,
0:35:11 > 0:35:15and the series so a big thanks to my house choir The Gospel Honest Truth!
0:35:15 > 0:35:18And all the members of my cast, Ashley Jenson.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20CHEERING
0:35:20 > 0:35:22- Tommy Tiernan. - CHEERING
0:35:22 > 0:35:24- Emma Bunton. - CHEERING
0:35:24 > 0:35:27And of course Tracy, Pete, Stewart and Helen.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30And playing us out with an exclusive performance of their new single,
0:35:30 > 0:35:34out tomorrow, She Makes Me Wanna, it's JLS!
0:35:34 > 0:35:36SCREAMING
0:35:36 > 0:35:39# Oh oh oh oh oh oh
0:35:39 > 0:35:41# OK!
0:35:41 > 0:35:43# Oh oh oh oh oh oh
0:35:43 > 0:35:44# JLS!
0:35:44 > 0:35:47# Oh oh oh oh oh oh
0:35:47 > 0:35:48# Yeah
0:35:48 > 0:35:52# Oh oh oh oh oh oh
0:35:54 > 0:35:57# I can't explain what's gotten into me
0:35:57 > 0:36:02# My sanity is in the passenger seat
0:36:02 > 0:36:05# I let her drive She is my guide
0:36:05 > 0:36:08# We're flying reckless tonight
0:36:08 > 0:36:10# Direct me to the floor
0:36:10 > 0:36:12# And turn it up some more
0:36:12 > 0:36:15# I'm-a get it on on on o-on
0:36:15 > 0:36:17# Direct me to the floor
0:36:17 > 0:36:19# And turn it up some more
0:36:19 > 0:36:24# I'm-a get it on on on o-on
0:36:24 > 0:36:25# She makes me wanna
0:36:25 > 0:36:27# Oh oh oh oh oh oh
0:36:27 > 0:36:28# Makes me wanna
0:36:28 > 0:36:30# Oh oh oh oh oh oh
0:36:30 > 0:36:31# She makes me wanna
0:36:31 > 0:36:35# Oh oh oh oh oh oh
0:36:35 > 0:36:36# Makes me wanna
0:36:36 > 0:36:38# Oh oh oh oh oh oh
0:36:40 > 0:36:42# London to Jamaica
0:36:42 > 0:36:46# LA to Africa
0:36:46 > 0:36:50- # She makes me wanna - Oh oh oh oh oh oh
0:36:50 > 0:36:51# Makes me wanna
0:36:51 > 0:36:54# Oh oh oh oh oh oh
0:36:54 > 0:36:59# I think her eyes are hypnotising me
0:36:59 > 0:37:02# Something about her turns me into a wild thing
0:37:02 > 0:37:06# I'm mesmerised, down for the ride
0:37:06 > 0:37:09# We're flying reckless tonight
0:37:09 > 0:37:11# Direct me to the floor
0:37:11 > 0:37:13# And turn it up some more
0:37:13 > 0:37:16# I'm-a get it on on on o-on
0:37:16 > 0:37:18# Direct me to the floor
0:37:18 > 0:37:20# And turn it up some more
0:37:20 > 0:37:24# I'm-a get it on on on o-on
0:37:24 > 0:37:25# She makes me wanna
0:37:25 > 0:37:28# Oh oh oh oh oh oh
0:37:28 > 0:37:31- # Makes me wanna - Oh oh oh oh oh oh
0:37:31 > 0:37:33# She makes me wanna
0:37:33 > 0:37:35# Oh oh oh oh oh oh
0:37:35 > 0:37:37# Makes me wanna
0:37:37 > 0:37:39# Oh oh oh oh oh oh
0:37:41 > 0:37:44# London to Jamaica
0:37:44 > 0:37:47# LA to Africa
0:37:47 > 0:37:48# She makes me wanna
0:37:48 > 0:37:51# Oh oh oh oh oh oh
0:37:51 > 0:37:52# Makes me wanna
0:37:52 > 0:37:54# Oh oh oh oh oh oh
0:37:55 > 0:37:57# London to Jamaica
0:37:59 > 0:38:01# LA to Africa
0:38:01 > 0:38:03# Oh no no
0:38:03 > 0:38:07- # London to Jamaica - Whoa oh whoa oh yeah
0:38:07 > 0:38:09# LA to Africa
0:38:09 > 0:38:11# She makes me wanna
0:38:11 > 0:38:13# Oh oh oh oh oh oh
0:38:13 > 0:38:15# Makes me wanna
0:38:15 > 0:38:17# Oh oh oh oh oh oh
0:38:17 > 0:38:18# She makes me wanna
0:38:18 > 0:38:21# Oh oh oh oh oh oh
0:38:21 > 0:38:23# Makes me wanna
0:38:23 > 0:38:26# Oh oh oh oh oh oh
0:38:26 > 0:38:29# Oh oh oh oh oh oh
0:38:29 > 0:38:30# Makes me wanna
0:38:30 > 0:38:32# Oh oh oh oh oh oh
0:38:32 > 0:38:34# She makes me wanna
0:38:34 > 0:38:36# Oh oh oh oh oh oh
0:38:36 > 0:38:38# Makes me wanna
0:38:38 > 0:38:40# Oh oh oh oh oh oh
0:38:40 > 0:38:43# All around the world
0:38:43 > 0:38:44# London to Jamaica
0:38:44 > 0:38:48# LA to Africa
0:38:48 > 0:38:50# She makes me wanna
0:38:50 > 0:38:52# Oh oh oh oh oh oh... #
0:38:52 > 0:38:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:38:55 > 0:38:59E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:39:01 > 0:39:06Wow, this is the dream that I've always had and it's finally coming true.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08There's just one thing missing.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10Perfect!