0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains strong language
0:00:07 > 0:00:12This programme contains adult humour
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Lee! Come on. Open the door! Oi, Nelson, you bell end!
0:00:14 > 0:00:17What you waking me at this time for, you nutter?
0:00:17 > 0:00:19It's 11.30.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22You've got to look after my mum's dog for me.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Nah, I'm going to snooker today, innit.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Bought this bad boy yesterday.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Oh, mate, I'm working in Fried Chicken Cottage all day.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33You can take a dog into Fried Chicken Cottage.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35I'm worried they're going to cook him.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38I ain't looking after a gay dog like Hector!
0:00:38 > 0:00:43- Ah, please man!- All right. But if he does a shit, I ain't clearing it up.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Course not. I don't.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Later.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Oh, yeah...school. You're late. Hurry up!
0:00:52 > 0:00:55- What are you going to tell your teacher?- Epileptic attack.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Bingo.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Oh, packed lunch?
0:00:59 > 0:01:02- It's in the fridge, Dad. - Legend!
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Gay dog.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Your dog's bent.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Poof!
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Oh, man.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Hector, man, you're messing up my reputation.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59I haven't been called gay this many times
0:01:59 > 0:02:02since I wore a sarong to that Millwall game.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05I ain't never taking 20 pills again.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Can I just say, I think you're really brave.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10Yeah!
0:02:10 > 0:02:15The way you're just getting on with life despite your problem.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Yeah, I do just get on with it.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- What problem? - Not being able to see.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Yeah, yeah.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31I am totally blind. I can't see a bloody thing.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34So, how old were you when it happened?
0:02:34 > 0:02:3712. Would you believe 12?
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Of course.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43And how did it happen, if you don't mind me asking?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Er, I dunno, I never really looked into it,
0:02:46 > 0:02:51but my hearing's well good so that just, sort of, compensated.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Oh, do you mind if I have a listen to what you look like?
0:02:54 > 0:02:55No, not at all.
0:03:02 > 0:03:0532...C?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- Yeah. That's amazing. - No, they're amazing.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12- Well, they sound amazing anyway. - Ah, he's amazing too.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Do you mind if I stroke him? He's so sweet.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Yeah, he's like a four-legged TomTom.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Oh, I think he's just done a poo. Have you got a bag to clean it up?
0:03:20 > 0:03:24Nah, nah, I leave 'em all. It's how we find our way back.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Look, I've gotta head, but can I get your number?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- Are you all right writing?- Yeah!
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Oh, as long as I've got something to lean on.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44There...you...
0:03:45 > 0:03:48..nearly finished...
0:03:48 > 0:03:50go!
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Bye.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Oh, bye.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57BUS BEEPS
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Bye.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27You do know why I've stopped you, don't you, sir?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30It's because you're Asian, sir.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Like to step out of the car for me, please?
0:04:32 > 0:04:36'I joined the force to stop the bad guys - the robbers, the murderers
0:04:36 > 0:04:38'and, of course, black people.'
0:04:44 > 0:04:48- Everything all right, madam? - Yes, fine. I had a bit of trouble...
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Don't you worry, madam.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Oh, he's just changing the, er...
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Got him!
0:04:56 > 0:04:59He was trying to steal your tyres.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Probably lives in those bushes.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Right, if you'd just like to pop your top off, dear.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10OK.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Good.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Good...good.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Yes.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Good...good.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26And here.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Good.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41OK.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Now, what seems to be the problem?
0:05:47 > 0:05:51It's my ankle. It's swollen up since I fell on it a couple of days ago.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Let me think.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Yes, I remember where that is.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03Oh, look. This one is bigger than the other one.
0:06:04 > 0:06:09- Ouch.- So, have you any idea what it, er...might be?
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- A sprained ankle?- Yes.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15And, er, what do you think we should, er, do?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17I don't know.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Luckily, one of us knows what to do.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25I am going to phone NHS Direct.
0:06:27 > 0:06:32Ah! Would you mind if I used your phone, only I'm a little behind with the payments?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Great.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Everything else all right with, er, the kids?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- I can't have children. - No, you can't.
0:06:43 > 0:06:48Yes, hello, I'm with a fairly ugly infertile lady
0:06:48 > 0:06:52who has somehow managed to make one of her ankles tiny.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Hello? Hello?
0:06:55 > 0:06:58It's a recorded message. I haven't got time for this.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Would you mind if you just dealt with it for me?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03You just sit tight, dear.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Mr Carter, please. Mr Carter!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Hello, Mr Carter.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Now, what seems to be the matter with you?
0:07:15 > 0:07:19- Well, it's quite embarrassing... - I am up against the clock here.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Erm, it's really burning when I wee.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26Right. Let's have a look at your cock-a-doodle-doo.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28- Erm...- Quick, quick!
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Come, come, man. Let's have a look at him.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Oh, blimey, that is weepy.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40It's a bit whiffy as well.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43What do you think, Mrs Hyde?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45I think I'd better take this outside.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Oh, when you get through,
0:07:48 > 0:07:52would you ask about Mr Carter's stinky penis?
0:07:54 > 0:07:57I think she liked you. Mm?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03D'you know what I mean though?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06We're the Manchester M21 Gang, innit.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Bang, bang, bang, AK, the Manchester Mental Heads, innit,
0:08:09 > 0:08:14AK, Manchester Maddoes, yeah! Do you know what I mean, like?
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Yeah, we go rioting and whatever, course we do.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Yeah, we'll burn things down or whatever.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Do you know what I mean though? You know why we do these things?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Cos we're so fucking bored. Nothing to do.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28I mean, people say, like, why don't you do something with your lives?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Thing is, we have. I mean, Ryan, he's managed to get liver cells
0:08:31 > 0:08:34to regenerate in primate hepatic samples.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37He's combined Vitamin A with a folic complex that has observed
0:08:37 > 0:08:41massive improvements in liver cell function over a two year period.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45I mean, it'll revolutionise the treatment of Hepatitis A, B and D,
0:08:45 > 0:08:50but because he's not affiliated to a teaching hospital, the government have cut all his funding,
0:08:50 > 0:08:54so course he's going to drop concrete off a motorway bridge.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Fucking bang, bang, bang.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Bang, bang, bang, Manchester Maddoes!
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Manchester M21 Gang. Bang, bang, yeah!
0:09:03 > 0:09:04Oh, my God!
0:09:04 > 0:09:10'Since becoming the break out star of hit reality show, The Only Way Is Macclesfield,
0:09:10 > 0:09:14'Gary Sedgmore's life has gone stratospheric.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17'Now he's got his own show.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20'We've been given access all areas to bring you...'
0:09:20 > 0:09:26OMG. LOL. FYI. It's Gary.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Smiley, winky face emoticon.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34I've got this new fridge. It's mental.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Ta-da.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39I keep me milk in these two drawers.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42This one is off milk
0:09:42 > 0:09:45and this one is off milk as well.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47It's massive.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49I can fit inside it.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Hellooo!
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Hi, Gary, I'm here!
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Ta-daaaa.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05I've got my trousers on. Let's go.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Gary, you need to put all your clothes on as a set.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12I'm not sure I know my way back to the bedroom, Bev.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15- Didn't you leave a trail of seeds? - No. I ate them.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- DOORBELL - Gary, the taxi's here.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Will he know where the bedroom is?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I'm just me.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25I mean, on The Only Way is Macclesfield, I was Gary with him,
0:10:25 > 0:10:28I was Gary with her and I was Gary with them two.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31I was Gary with everyone. I'm just Gary.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34I mean, you could give me money and I couldn't not be Gary.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36What are we talking about?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I've forgotten! That is so Gary.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Ladies and gentlemen, you've seen him on The Only Way Is Macclesfield.
0:10:43 > 0:10:48Now, here for you tonight, it's Gary Sedgmore!
0:10:48 > 0:10:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:51 > 0:10:55The thing is with me, I'll think things and I'll say what I think
0:10:55 > 0:10:57and they'll come out of my mouth as words
0:10:57 > 0:11:00and what I'd say will just come out me mouth.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Thanks and good night.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10CHEERING
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Gary, is that all you were going to say?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15I thought you were going to say more.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Oh, Gary, you've started with your last card.
0:11:19 > 0:11:24- What am I like?- That is so Gary! That's what people like about you.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27But you've got to go on and do the rest of your cards.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Right, I will.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31CHEERING
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Hi.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Have a great night.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Thanks and good night!
0:11:42 > 0:11:44CHEERING
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Pool table for two hours, yeah.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Oh, er, do you do discounts for the blind?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00This guy's a joker.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Oi! Are you serious, playing pool when you're blind?
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- Tell me you're taking the piss! - All right...
0:12:07 > 0:12:10whoever said that.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13I tell you what, 50 quid says I can beat ya.
0:12:14 > 0:12:1650 quid!
0:12:16 > 0:12:18I'll tell you what, yeah. We'll make it 100, yeah.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20All right, fine, 100.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23I'll even use my cane as a cue.
0:12:24 > 0:12:299 ball, top right corner, five centimetres to the left.
0:12:31 > 0:12:3512 ball, middle pocket, about nine centimetres away.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Shh-shh-shh. Let me have a listen.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51OK.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Yes!
0:13:00 > 0:13:03You got proper lucky there, bruv.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Here. Here's the 100.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09You owe me another ten!
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Man, there should be a Channel 5 documentary about you.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17TEXT ALERT
0:13:19 > 0:13:24Sweet. The bird I met earlier, she wants to hook up.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29Er, will someone read this for me?
0:13:35 > 0:13:40Hello and welcome to Praise Be To Jesus Television
0:13:40 > 0:13:43with me, Pastor Daniel Dooley.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Today I would like to talk to you about Noah and the flood.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50What is the main message we should take
0:13:50 > 0:13:53from this inspirational Bible story?
0:13:53 > 0:13:58The answer is, don't be gay.
0:13:58 > 0:14:03Why was all of humanity wiped out in the flood and only Noah saved?
0:14:03 > 0:14:07Because everyone apart from Noah was thinking about dick.
0:14:07 > 0:14:12During Noah's time, there was a huge amount of dick devilry.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15And when God looked down upon the earth
0:14:15 > 0:14:18and saw a man touching another man's buttocks,
0:14:18 > 0:14:22God started to cry and his tears fell upon the earth as rain.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26And when God looked again, this time he saw a man
0:14:26 > 0:14:29putting another man's shaved balls in his mouth.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33God was inconsolable and the tears became a flood.
0:14:33 > 0:14:38But all of good Noah's thoughts were completely dick free
0:14:38 > 0:14:40and instead he built an ark
0:14:40 > 0:14:44where he could safely think about tits and fanny, so he was saved.
0:14:44 > 0:14:49Once all the gays were washed away, God placed a rainbow in the sky,
0:14:49 > 0:14:54which was a lovely symbol until the gays stole it and put it on their flags.
0:14:54 > 0:15:01So, please, let Jesus into your life and stop thinking about dick. Amen.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09'The new group have arrived in Kavos
0:15:09 > 0:15:13'and holiday reps Chris and Chloe are welcoming them to the island...
0:15:15 > 0:15:18'..ensuring it'll be a week they'll never forget.'
0:15:18 > 0:15:22My name's Chris. I'm your rep for the week. Let's get fucked up!
0:15:22 > 0:15:25CHEERING AND CHANTING
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Right, first, a quick note about safety this week.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Let me get the safety rules out of me pocket.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Whooooa...fuck all!
0:15:37 > 0:15:40CHEERING AND CHANTING
0:15:41 > 0:15:43And I'm Chloe.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47I've been repping four years and I've fucked over 900 people!
0:15:47 > 0:15:50CHEERING
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Right, who wants to get their tits out?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57H-e-e-e-y!
0:15:58 > 0:16:02Some lucky bloke's going to be coming over them this afternoon.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08Yes! Now, who wants to win a bottle of Vodka?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10CHEERING
0:16:10 > 0:16:14OK, who knows where Kavos is?
0:16:15 > 0:16:19Come on, somebody...anyone, where is Kavos?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Is it in Greece?
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Woooh...come here, mate. Here's your Vodka.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26CHEERING
0:16:26 > 0:16:30Listen, right, we're not here to learn,
0:16:30 > 0:16:32we're here to get fucked up.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34CHEERING
0:16:34 > 0:16:37RAVE MUSIC BLARING
0:16:39 > 0:16:42All right, this is the Hotel Yorgos!
0:16:43 > 0:16:48- Ah, and that's Yorgos himself. - CHEERING
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Let's give him a nice British, "Hello".
0:16:50 > 0:16:54- ALL:- Fuck off, Yorgos, fuck off, Yorgos,
0:16:54 > 0:16:57fuck off, Yorgos, fuck off, Yorgos.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58Oi, Yorgos!
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Right, who's got their passports handy?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08That's what happens when you set fire to a passport!
0:17:08 > 0:17:11CHEERING
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Right, I need a volunteer. Volunteers, hands up.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16OK. Shh-shh.
0:17:17 > 0:17:23OK, it's quite deep, so you can go in head first or you can jump.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- Jump!- He's going to jump!
0:17:26 > 0:17:30- ALL:- Three, two, one,
0:17:30 > 0:17:33blindfold pool jump!
0:17:34 > 0:17:35LOUD THUD
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Right, I want you to go inside, unpack your bags
0:17:41 > 0:17:45and smash your rooms to fucking pieces!
0:17:45 > 0:17:47CHEERING
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- ALL:- Let's get fucked up!
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Today, I've got the in-laws coming round
0:18:00 > 0:18:03and I really want to cook them something special,
0:18:03 > 0:18:07so I'm going to be serving up duck a l'orange made easy.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Chicken with biscuits.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14Chickens are a lot cheaper if you buy 'em still feathered.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Use an ordinary gent's razor to shave the chicken.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23I'm using a Gillette Mach3 with Boots own brand foam,
0:18:23 > 0:18:25or, if time's not an issue, use Veet,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28formerly known as Immac.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34Now, over here is one I shaved last night with me cousin.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37I like me chicken really succulent
0:18:37 > 0:18:42so I'm going to massage in about five kilos of butter.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47Now, you don't need to fork out on expensive cooking equipment,
0:18:47 > 0:18:51and instead of using a roasting tray, I'm using a hub cap.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Now, it's hard to say exactly what temperature
0:19:00 > 0:19:02you need to cook the chicken
0:19:02 > 0:19:05cos me oven markings have all rubbed off.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08But I recommend pointing the knob
0:19:08 > 0:19:12to the bottom of the washing machine window.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Or, if you're cooking a particularly big chicken,
0:19:15 > 0:19:19I'd point the knob to the middle of the window.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Cooking times may vary depending on the size and position
0:19:23 > 0:19:25of your washing machine.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29Now, let's start preparing the biscuits.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33The biscuits that go by far the best with chicken are chocolate fingers.
0:19:33 > 0:19:39I really like chocolate fingers so I'm going to use 15 boxes.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Once the chicken's done...
0:19:47 > 0:19:50..pour off that excess butter.
0:19:51 > 0:19:57That'll condense nicely into some delicious chicken butter.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00There we go.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04I want their meal to have a real wow factor
0:20:04 > 0:20:07so I'm propping up about 50 chocolate fingers
0:20:07 > 0:20:11either side of the chicken to make this.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15A chocolate finger tent.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19And the remaining 750 chocolate fingers,
0:20:19 > 0:20:24I'm just going to put in a bowl to serve cold with the meal.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26And there we go.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29I hope the in-laws are going to be chuffed.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31That's duck a l'orange with a difference.
0:20:31 > 0:20:36Chicken in a chocolate finger tent with cold chocolate fingers.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Got the craziest licks heading your way
0:20:41 > 0:20:44in the next couple of hours of the show, but now let's head to the texts,
0:20:44 > 0:20:45let's head to the Tweets
0:20:45 > 0:20:48and let's head to them Facebook messages.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51I asked you, do you wear a watch?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Marco from Crystal Palace says, yes, he does wear a watch.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Tasha from Cumberland says she's got two watches - one for work,
0:20:57 > 0:20:59one for going out - but they're both silver.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Oh, my gosh, that's a great second text.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Isaac from Stoke Newington says, no watch,
0:21:05 > 0:21:07but if he did have a watch, he would wear it.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10That's also a good third text.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12OK, Zoe from Exeter says,
0:21:12 > 0:21:14"Does anyone know the exact time right now?"
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Yes, I do, Zoe, I'm lucky enough to have a well big clock up here in the studio.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21OK, Graham from Peterborough says he has a watch
0:21:21 > 0:21:23but he doesn't give the colour.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Please come back in with the colour, people.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28I know I didn't ask, but it's really weaving it's way and it's a process, people,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30it's between me and you.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37It's half-time in this key Premier League fixture,
0:21:37 > 0:21:40and Jason's not been performing as expected.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44What's going on out there? Why are you not linkin' up with Danny?
0:21:44 > 0:21:47What's going on in that bloody head of yours?
0:21:47 > 0:21:48Well?
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- He's gay.- What?
0:21:51 > 0:21:52He's gay!
0:21:52 > 0:21:54What? Danny's not gay!
0:21:54 > 0:21:56He is. Everyone knows it.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59He's not gay! As I said before, he just reads the newspaper.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Yeah, and a lot of us don't like it!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04And if I score, I'm not having him try and touch me.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Fucking paper-reader!
0:22:09 > 0:22:10I'm not saying he is gay,
0:22:10 > 0:22:14but he was out the other night and he had two glasses of wine.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Erm...and, apparently, last weekend he went to a museum.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22So, leave you to draw your own conclusions.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28J! J! Jamie, have a look at this, it's about Danny.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32He's shagging three 15-year-old girls.
0:22:33 > 0:22:38He's straight. Lads, he's straight!
0:22:38 > 0:22:43Hey, so sorry we got you all wrong. Why didn't you tell us?
0:22:43 > 0:22:44I wanted to, but I couldn't.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47It's been the subject of an active criminal investigation.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49You mad sod. Come 'ere!
0:22:50 > 0:22:52He's straight! Yes!
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Yes! You straight bastard!
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Come on! Yes! He's straight!
0:22:58 > 0:23:01- I can't believe it.- Yeah!
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Get into 'em!
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Get up their arses!
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Come on!
0:23:05 > 0:23:06Keep it tight!
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Showers! Come on, showers!
0:23:12 > 0:23:16OK, Nadia here, doesn't wear a watch. Great text.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Alex from Deptford sayin' he got a watch for his birthday,
0:23:20 > 0:23:21he likes it but it's slightly too big.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Oh, my gosh. I'm feeling your pain.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27OK, Patrick from Bootle says his watch is water resistant.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Does that mean he can swim with it or just get it a little bit wet?
0:23:31 > 0:23:35That's a mad good question. I will Google that right now myself.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Man, you do not want to get that watch mashed up.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Bill from Matlock says he's got a watch but he doesn't wear it.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44OK, listen, some mad confusion going out on the texts and the Tweets and on Facebook.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48I'm asking do you wear a watch? Not, do you own a watch? OK?
0:23:48 > 0:23:51That's going to be tomorrow's texter. Check this.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Hello, today's weather in Scotland.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Good morning to those of you who survived the night.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03Today much the same, gale force, bone-chilling wind,
0:24:03 > 0:24:07temperatures plummeting all the way across Aberdeen to Inverness.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10A good day for a bike ride.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Friday, cold and frosty, no hope of change.
0:24:13 > 0:24:19All across Midlothian freezing sleet for the 112th consecutive day.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23That's a record - congratulations all of Scotland.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Saturday, good news for the Hebrides, cloud finally breaking -
0:24:27 > 0:24:30looking forward to some sunshine for eight or nine minutes.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Staying as thick snow, freezing mist on higher ground
0:24:34 > 0:24:39which will lead to the Dounreay nuclear power station to crack.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Alarmingly high levels of radiation -
0:24:41 > 0:24:46best close windows and stay indoors till 2014.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49In summary - unsurvivable.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Thanks for your photos. Here is a collapsed wall,
0:24:53 > 0:24:56there is an abandoned murder weapon
0:24:56 > 0:24:59and, finally, a lady crying.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Have a pleasant day.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08What's going on over here then?
0:25:12 > 0:25:15What seems to be the problem, sir?
0:25:15 > 0:25:16There's just been a mugging.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Is that right. I'll need to take down one or two details.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Now, who is it you've mugged?
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Well, good policing's all about dialogue.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Of course, we have face to face meetings
0:25:28 > 0:25:31with Black and Asian community leaders.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34How else are we going to arrest 'em?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36By e-mail? Use your common sense.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43Right, sir, what I need you to do now is breathe into this for me, sir.
0:25:47 > 0:25:48MACHINE BEEPS
0:25:50 > 0:25:53OK. As I thought,
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Now I regret to inform you, sir,
0:25:56 > 0:25:59you're three and a half times over the ethnic limit.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Like to come with me, please, sir?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09- Hi.- Hi.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Oh, that happened cos I'm blind.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Yeah, er, I've been doing some thinking
0:26:21 > 0:26:23and, with me,
0:26:23 > 0:26:27it's all or nothing.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31I think going out with a blind bloke is just too much responsibility.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35Oh, no, don't worry about that. After our chat I looked into it,
0:26:35 > 0:26:39and I went to Boots and I got some drops and I'm cured. Yeah.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44The lids was stuck together with sleep,
0:26:44 > 0:26:46which is quite common,
0:26:46 > 0:26:49but no-one's ever had it for 10 years before.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Oh, that's brilliant!
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Bloody hell, the world's all bright and colourful
0:26:54 > 0:26:57and everything is so beautiful.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Now I'd love to see a vagina.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Yeah, I've read so much about 'em. Well, brailled.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- Oi!- Oh, shit.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08You ain't blind at all, bruv!
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Made me look like a right fool back there.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Give me back my money, you little prick!
0:27:12 > 0:27:16Er, excuse me, he actually was blind until he looked into it this afternoon and went to Boots
0:27:16 > 0:27:20and got some drops and it cured him. It was sleep that was holding them together
0:27:20 > 0:27:22which is really common, but no-one's had it for 10 years,
0:27:22 > 0:27:25and now all he wants to do is see a vagina.
0:27:40 > 0:27:45CLUB MUSIC
0:28:05 > 0:28:07MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY
0:28:07 > 0:28:09iTunes has crashed!