0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains strong language and adult humour
0:00:06 > 0:00:08Lee, come on, open the door.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10HAMMERING ON DOOR
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Oi, Nelson, you bell end!
0:00:13 > 0:00:16What you waking me at this time for, you nutter?
0:00:17 > 0:00:19It's 11.30.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22You've got to look after my mum's dog for me.
0:00:22 > 0:00:27Nah, I'm going snooker today, innit? Bought this bad boy yesterday.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Oh, mate, I'm working Fried Chicken Cottage all day.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32You can take a dog into Fried Chicken Cottage.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35I know but I'm worried they're going to cook him.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37I ain't looking after a gay dog like Hector!
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Ah, please, man!
0:00:39 > 0:00:43All right, but if he does a shit I ain't clearing it up.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44Course not, I don't!
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Later.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Ooh, yeah, school, you're late, hurry up.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55- What are you going to tell your teacher?- Epileptic attack.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Bingo.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00- Ooh, packed lunch! - It's in the fridge, Dad!
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Legend!
0:01:38 > 0:01:39It's a gay dog.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Your dog's bent.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Poof!
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Oh, man.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Hector, man, you're messing up my reputation!
0:01:57 > 0:01:59I ain't been called gay this many times
0:01:59 > 0:02:02since I wore a sarong to that Millwall game.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04I ain't never taking 20 pills again.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Can I just say I think you're really brave.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10Yeah.
0:02:10 > 0:02:15The way you're just getting on with life despite your...problem.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Yeah...I do just get on with it.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- What problem? - Not being able to see.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Yeah, yeah.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31I am totally blind, I can't see a bloody thing.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34So, how old were you when it happened?
0:02:34 > 0:02:3712. Would you believe 12?
0:02:37 > 0:02:41Of course! And how did it happen, if you don't mind me asking?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Er, I dunno, I never really looked into it
0:02:46 > 0:02:50but my hearing's well good, so that just, sort of, compensated.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Oh, do you mind if I have a listen to what you look like?
0:02:54 > 0:02:55No, not at all.
0:03:02 > 0:03:0532C?
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Yeah, that's amazing.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10No, THEY'RE amazing! Well, they sound amazing anyway.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14Oh, he's amazing too. Do you mind if I stroke him? He's SO sweet.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Yeah, he's like a four-legged TomTom.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Oh, I think he's just done a poo. Have you got a bag to clean that up?
0:03:20 > 0:03:24Nah, nah, I leave 'em all - it's how we find our way back.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Look, I've got to head but can I get your number?
0:03:27 > 0:03:28Are you all right writing?
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Yeah! Oh, as long as I've got something to lean on.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42There...
0:03:42 > 0:03:44you...
0:03:45 > 0:03:48..nearly...finished...
0:03:48 > 0:03:51go!
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Bye.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Oh, bye.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57HORN HONKING
0:03:59 > 0:04:00Bye.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06Gentleman waiting to hear if he's got cancer!
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Gentleman waiting to hear if he's got cancer!
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Do you like my new computer?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Two gigabyte? No.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Four gigabyte? No.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Six gigabyte? Close.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Five gigabyte!
0:04:26 > 0:04:28It's more than I need, really.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29So, are my results on that?
0:04:29 > 0:04:30No, they're not.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32So, where are they?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Ah, yes, cancer...or maybe not!
0:04:35 > 0:04:39We will find out in the magic envelope.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50I never look before the patient, it sort of spoils it.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Drum roll, please!
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Oh...shit!
0:04:59 > 0:05:01My brand new computer!
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Oh, don't believe this.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05HE SUCKS
0:05:05 > 0:05:07And she forgot the sugar!
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Oh, my new computer!
0:05:10 > 0:05:15Ah, that really puts things into perspective.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Can you look at the results?
0:05:16 > 0:05:17Yes, I can.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23HE SIGHS
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Oh, dear.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26What is it?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29I can't believe my computer.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Do you think I can recover files from this?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34What about the results?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- No, it's not cancer.- Oh, thank God.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Bloody hell, not only is my computer broken
0:05:39 > 0:05:42but these cancer leaflets I got especially for you
0:05:42 > 0:05:45were a complete waste of my time.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49Well, hopefully someone today will have cancer. Thank you.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55MUSIC PLAYING Yes!
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Angry Birds!
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Yippee!
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Yeah, we're the Manchester M21 Gang. Bang, do you know what I mean?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05AKA The Manchester Mental Heads.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Yes, you know what I mean? Course we are.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10AKA The Manchester Maddos.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Bang! Do you know what I mean, like? Yeah, you know what I mean, like?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Yeah, of course we'll do a bit of arson, ain't we, boys?
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Do you know what I mean? Yeah, we'll do a bit of looting, or whatever.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Do you know what I mean?
0:06:19 > 0:06:21We only do these things because we're fucking bored.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23There's nothing to do, you know what I mean?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26When people say, like, "Why don't you do something with your lives?"
0:06:26 > 0:06:27Thing is, we have.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31I mean, Dwayne, right, Dwayne's managed to genetically modify wheat
0:06:31 > 0:06:34so it produces eight times the yield with half the water.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37He's potentially going to save 25 million lives a year
0:06:37 > 0:06:39in sub-Saharan Africa
0:06:39 > 0:06:42but the government's GM licensing regulations are so stringent
0:06:42 > 0:06:45he's been told they'll take five years to analyse his data
0:06:45 > 0:06:47and make a final decision.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51So, of course he's going to drive a car through a shop window!
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Bang!
0:07:16 > 0:07:19You do know why I've stopped you, don't you, sir?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22It's cos you're Asian, sir.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Like to step out of the car for me, please.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26'I joined the force to stop the bad guys.'
0:07:26 > 0:07:28The robbers, the murderers...
0:07:28 > 0:07:30and, of course, black people.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Everything all right, madam?
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Yes, fine, I just had a bit of trouble...
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Don't you worry, madam.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Ooh, he's just changing the, er...
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Got him!
0:07:49 > 0:07:53He was trying to steal your tyres - probably lives in those bushes.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Today I've got the in-laws coming round
0:07:59 > 0:08:02and I really want to cook them something special,
0:08:02 > 0:08:06so I'm going to be serving up duck a l'orange made easy -
0:08:06 > 0:08:08chicken with biscuits.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Chickens are a lot cheaper if you buy 'em still feathered.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17Use an ordinary gent's razor to shave the chicken.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21I'm using a Gillette MACH3 with Boots own brand foam
0:08:21 > 0:08:27or, if time's not an issue, use Veet, formerly known as Immac.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Now over here is one I shaved last night, with me cousin.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36I like me chicken really succulent
0:08:36 > 0:08:40so I'm going to massage in about five kilos of butter.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Now, you didn't need to fork out on expensive cooking equipment,
0:08:46 > 0:08:50and instead of using a roasting tray I'm using a hub cap.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Now it's hard to say exactly what temperature
0:08:59 > 0:09:01you need to cook the chicken
0:09:01 > 0:09:04cos me oven markings have all rubbed off
0:09:04 > 0:09:08but I recommend pointing the knob...
0:09:08 > 0:09:10to the bottom of the washing machine window
0:09:10 > 0:09:13or if you're cooking a particularly big chicken...
0:09:14 > 0:09:17..I'd point the knob to the middle of the window.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Cooking times may vary,
0:09:19 > 0:09:23depending on the size and position of your washing machine.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Now, let's start preparing the biscuits.
0:09:27 > 0:09:32The biscuits that go by far the best with chicken are chocolate fingers.
0:09:32 > 0:09:38I really like chocolate fingers, so I'm going to use 15 boxes.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Once the chicken's done...
0:09:46 > 0:09:48..pour off that excess butter.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55That'll condense nicely into some delicious chicken butter.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58There we go.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02I want their meal to have a real wow factor,
0:10:02 > 0:10:07so I'm propping up about 50 chocolate fingers
0:10:07 > 0:10:09either side of the chicken
0:10:09 > 0:10:14to make this...a chocolate finger tent.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18And the remaining 750 chocolate fingers
0:10:18 > 0:10:23I'm just going to put in a bowl to serve cold with the meal.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25And there we gan.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27I hope the in-laws are going to be chuffed,
0:10:27 > 0:10:30that's duck a l'orange with a difference.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Chicken in a chocolate finger tent with cold chocolate fingers.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Hello and welcome to Praise Be to Jesus Television
0:10:43 > 0:10:46with me, Pastor Daniel Boule.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50Today I want to talk to you about the meaning of Christmas,
0:10:50 > 0:10:53with all the present giving and commercialisation
0:10:53 > 0:10:57people have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas -
0:10:57 > 0:11:01which is NOT to be gay.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Let us remind ourselves of the Christmas story.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06There were three wise men.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Why were they called the wise men?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Because none of them thought about dick.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15They were travelling around, just the three of them,
0:11:15 > 0:11:18for many days and nights, but they were so wise
0:11:18 > 0:11:21they resisted the temptation to touch each other's dicks
0:11:21 > 0:11:23and rub each other's balls.
0:11:23 > 0:11:28And they could have used their wisdom to think of new gay positions -
0:11:28 > 0:11:32for example they could have laid down in the shape of an M,
0:11:32 > 0:11:38where wise man one and three suck off wise man number two,
0:11:38 > 0:11:42whilst wise man number two wanks them both off furiously
0:11:42 > 0:11:45until they come all over his wise face.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49So do not spend Christmastime like King Herod,
0:11:49 > 0:11:53thinking about Justin Bieber in his little blue pants
0:11:53 > 0:11:55with slightly wet lips,
0:11:55 > 0:11:59just how he looks in the December page of his calendar,
0:11:59 > 0:12:03which I have here in my office to warn people of the dangers
0:12:03 > 0:12:06of misinterpreting the Christmas message.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Have a happy dick-free Christmas
0:12:17 > 0:12:25and, please, let Jesus into your life and stop thinking about dick, amen.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27I have some business to attend to in my office.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30This station will shut down for eight minutes.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Pool table for two hours, yeah?
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Ooh, er, do you do discounts for the blind?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44This guy's a joker!
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Oi, are you serious? Playing pool when you're blind?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Tell me you're taking the piss, yeah?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53All right, or whoever said that.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57I tell you what, 50 quid says I can beat ya.
0:12:58 > 0:13:0050 quid!
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Yeah, I'll tell you what, yeah, we'll make it 100, yeah?
0:13:03 > 0:13:04All right, fine, 100.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07I'll even use my cane as a cue.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Nine ball, top right corner, five centimetres to the left.
0:13:16 > 0:13:2012 ball, middle pocket, about nine centimetres away.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24CROWD APPLAUDS
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Shh-shh-shh!
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Let me have a listen.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35OK.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Yes.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49You got proper lucky there, bruv. Here, here's the 100.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53You owe me another ten.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Man, there should be a Channel Five documentary about you!
0:13:59 > 0:14:02PHONE BEEPS
0:14:03 > 0:14:07Sweet, the bird I met earlier, she wants to hook up.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Erm, will someone read this for me?
0:14:16 > 0:14:20The BBC news with me, Rabbi Stibelstein.
0:14:20 > 0:14:25Tonight's headlines. Hayfever, every year, you think that's
0:14:25 > 0:14:29fun for me? Argh, let's just go to the sport, what was the Spurs score?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31I couldn't go today cos of the grass.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38It's the start of a brand-new Premier League season.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Superstar Jason Bent
0:14:40 > 0:14:44and the rest of the squad are about to meet their new manager.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48GENERAL CHATTER
0:14:48 > 0:14:51MUTED APPLAUSE
0:14:51 > 0:14:54I want to say welcome to a new chapter for the club.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56It's a very exciting time.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59We play simple, pass, move, tiki-taka football.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03I'm, erm, very glad that Eddie, he's continuing as the club's, erm,
0:15:03 > 0:15:05first team coach.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Eddie, would you like to say a few words?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10We are going to fuck teams up.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14Give it! Get up their arses!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Put pressure on them, be first to the ball,
0:15:16 > 0:15:18let 'em know you're in the game.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Erm, thank you Eddie.
0:15:25 > 0:15:31So, as Eddie was saying, we're going to be playing a flexible 4-5-1.
0:15:31 > 0:15:36I have, erm, decided that the captain for this season will again be
0:15:36 > 0:15:37Jason Bent.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39CHEERS
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Jason, would you like to say some, erm, few words?
0:15:43 > 0:15:47Just finishing off this tweet...
0:15:47 > 0:15:51"..and then we all fucked her."
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Have you anything to say about the season ahead?
0:15:55 > 0:15:58I think your formation's shit.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02OK, I like to think my record speaks for itself
0:16:02 > 0:16:05but, erm, what tactics, erm, you prefer?
0:16:05 > 0:16:064-6-3's better.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Jason, that's too many players.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Well, if not that, then other numbers.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15We are going to start with 4-5-1 and hopefully
0:16:15 > 0:16:17we can all work, erm, with this system.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Eddie, do you agree?
0:16:18 > 0:16:22You fucking get it on your heads, son, straight in the onion bag.
0:16:22 > 0:16:28One-nil, come on, son, lads, let's win this fucking game, hey?
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Meanwhile, tensions continue on the training ground.
0:16:31 > 0:16:36OK, you're now going to fan out, Gio, you attack the front post.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Why does Gio get the front post?
0:16:38 > 0:16:42OK, Jason - you take the front post, Gio, you take the back post.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44I've changed me mind.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Jason, pick what post you want, tell everyone and stick to it.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50I don't want a post now. I want to take the corner.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Come to my office now, please. Eddie, take over.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Get stuck in, get up their arses.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Move, come on, let's win this fucking game.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Jason, tell me what you would like from me.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04I want to take the corners.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Fine, you take corners.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07And all the free kicks.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Fine.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10And I want your parking space.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11What?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13It's one space nearer the entrance.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Fine, I don't care.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19And I want you to grow a moustache, a big droopy one like a Mexican.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Jason, no! You're being stupid.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25I am the manager, I run everything here.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26Fine, I'll talk to the chairman.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Would you do that?
0:17:29 > 0:17:34No, it's no u-turn, erm, we are going to play a different formation
0:17:34 > 0:17:36this season.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Yeah, we're going to play 4-6-3, aren't we?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Yes, we are, erm, going to, erm, try and do that.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Hello, today's weather in Scotland.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Well, if you're vulnerable,
0:17:51 > 0:17:54last night would have been that step too far.
0:17:54 > 0:17:59Better news today - we're actually looking at a rather pleasant zero.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Tomorrow, temperatures could drop dramatically again, high
0:18:03 > 0:18:07pressure pushing the cloud forward, bringing some Siberian winds.
0:18:07 > 0:18:12Possibly snow or hail, a guid day for fruit-picking!
0:18:12 > 0:18:16Wednesday, much the same, heavy cloud cover, thick freezing frost
0:18:16 > 0:18:20and during the day it will be pitch black.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Weather warning! Don't try and urinate outdoors.
0:18:23 > 0:18:29In summary, suicidal. Thanks for your photos, keep 'em coming in.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Here is a tramp in the rain,
0:18:32 > 0:18:34here's a pickled onion
0:18:35 > 0:18:36and here's a dead bird.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Enjoy your day.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Whack-back-back-back-back-back-back, you're listening to Kenny K,
0:18:45 > 0:18:49keep it locked down, my friends, cos you are in the right place,
0:18:49 > 0:18:53it's the place, it's my place, it's druuum and bass.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55First up, let's head to the texts, let's head to the tweets
0:18:55 > 0:18:58and let's head to them Facebook messages.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02I asked you, what is your favourite colour?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Response has been caning it in.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Mark from Milton Keynes has texted in
0:19:07 > 0:19:08and says, "blue."
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Jamal from Bexley's tweeted saying he likes yellow,
0:19:12 > 0:19:15but also likes other colours, that's crazy.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Jamal, I'm loving your attitude there.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21Got someone texting in saying, "green," no name on that,
0:19:21 > 0:19:25if that's you, you know who you are, please let me know your name.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Kelly from Aberdeen says she doesn't know the exact name
0:19:28 > 0:19:31but it's a sort of bluey, pinky colour,
0:19:31 > 0:19:35we're going to go on a search for that, Kelly, that's for sure.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Neil saying he doesn't know how to describe it
0:19:37 > 0:19:38but it's like a carpet colour.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40I know exactly what you're getting at, Neil.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Had a flood of texts after Kelly's mad bluey, pinky text.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Raz from Whalley Range says, "Is it lavender?"
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Kell, you've really got to let us know,
0:19:50 > 0:19:54this is getting crazy tense up in here, man, with me, Kenny K,
0:19:54 > 0:19:56feel the tension rising up all the way from the feet,
0:19:56 > 0:20:01up through the body and spitting it out right here, right now on FX FM -
0:20:01 > 0:20:03you know the score.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04Check this.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08EXCITED CHATTER
0:20:11 > 0:20:13HEAVY FOOTSTEPS
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I'm your new headmaster.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21What's my name?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24You don't need to know my name,
0:20:24 > 0:20:30all you need to know is this school is failing.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Now, do I look like the sort of fella who wants to
0:20:35 > 0:20:40be in charge of the worst school in Hampshire?
0:20:40 > 0:20:45Hmm? Well, do I?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47ALL: No, sir.
0:20:47 > 0:20:54Then stop treating me like a bitch, or Daddy's going to bite someone.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Year 11s, I'll rip your throats out
0:21:06 > 0:21:09unless you improve your French comprehension.
0:21:09 > 0:21:14Year Nine, I hear you've got a little problem with the uniform.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17You got a problem with the uniform -
0:21:17 > 0:21:19you've got a problem with my knife.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26Now, there's going to be a few little changes to the teaching
0:21:26 > 0:21:27methods around here.
0:21:27 > 0:21:33Detention? This is going to be replacing the detention.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37GASPS
0:21:37 > 0:21:39It will still last 45 minutes, though. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Writing lines?
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Not any more you won't be -
0:21:46 > 0:21:49these are going to be your new lines.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57I hope everyone's more than happy with my appointment here
0:21:57 > 0:21:58but anyone who's not...
0:22:03 > 0:22:06it's your lucky day - position's now available.
0:22:06 > 0:22:12Who wants it, hey, here it is, who wants it, hey?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Who wants it? Anyone, WHO WANTS IT?
0:22:16 > 0:22:19THOUGHT NOT, YOU AIN'T GOT THE BOLLOCKS!
0:22:22 > 0:22:23- HUSHED:- I'm the daddy.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25BELL RINGS
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Right, now piss off and learn somethin'.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37I asked you, "what is your favourite colour?"
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Mark from Milton Keynes has come back saying
0:22:39 > 0:22:43he texted in earlier saying his favourite colour was blue, but
0:22:43 > 0:22:46after hearing that text about green, he's saying he also now likes green.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Thanks for keeping us in the loop with that.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Oh my gosh, this is a mad one that's just come in on my screen right now
0:22:52 > 0:22:57from Jen in Carlisle, who's saying, check this, she likes pistachio.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Oh my gosh, that's got to be one of the maddest texts I ever read
0:23:00 > 0:23:04out on this show, oh my gosh, pistachio, that's not even a colour!
0:23:04 > 0:23:05I love that, Jen.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09If you're half as crazy as that in real life, you're crazy!
0:23:09 > 0:23:10Mobeen from Hull
0:23:10 > 0:23:12saying she likes all sorts of colour
0:23:12 > 0:23:14but doesn't actually want to commit to one.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Enough respect for that, Mobeen coming at you from me, Kenny K.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Oh my days, Kelly's contacted the programme
0:23:19 > 0:23:24again about the bluey pinky thing and saying she still doesn't know.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Check this!
0:23:26 > 0:23:28GLASS SMASHES
0:23:29 > 0:23:33A new group have arrived in Kavos and holiday reps Chris
0:23:33 > 0:23:36and Chloe are welcoming them to the island...
0:23:38 > 0:23:41..ensuring it'll be a week they'll never forget.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45My name's Chris, I'm your rep for the week, let's get fucked up!
0:23:45 > 0:23:47LOUD CHEERS
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Right, first a quick note about safety this week.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Let me get the safety rules out of me pocket.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Whoa-aaa! Fuck all!
0:24:05 > 0:24:06And I'm Chloe.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10I've been repping four years and I've fucked over 900 people!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12WHOOPS AND CHEERS
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Right, who wants to get their tits out?
0:24:22 > 0:24:28Some lucky bloke's going to be coming over them this afternoon.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Yes, now who wants to win a bottle of vodka?
0:24:31 > 0:24:33CHEERS
0:24:34 > 0:24:37OK, who knows where Kavos is?
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Come on, somebody! Anyone, where is Kavos?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Is it in Greece?
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Woooh, come here, mate, here's your vodka.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50GASPS AND CHEERS
0:24:50 > 0:24:54Listen, right, we're not here to learn, we're here to get fucked up.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04All right, this is the Hotel Yorgos.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07WHOOPS
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Ah, and that's Yorgos himself.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11CHEERS
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Let's give him a nice British hello.
0:25:13 > 0:25:19- ALL:- Fuck off, Yorgos, fuck off, Yorgos, fuck off, Yorgos,
0:25:19 > 0:25:20fuck off, Yorgos.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Hey, Yorgos!
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Right, who's got their passports handy?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31That's what happens when you set fire to a passport.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38All right, I need a volunteer. Volunteers, hands up.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40STIFLED LAUGHTER
0:25:40 > 0:25:42OK. OK.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46It's quite deep, so you can go in head first, or you can jump.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Jump.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50He's going to jump.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Three...two...one!
0:25:53 > 0:25:55- ALL:- Blindfold pool jump!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Right, I want you to go inside, unpack your bags
0:26:04 > 0:26:07and smash your rooms to fucking pieces.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13- ALL:- Let's get fucked up.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Hi.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Hi.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Ooh!
0:26:29 > 0:26:32That happened cos I'm blind.
0:26:32 > 0:26:37Yeah, erm, I've been doing some thinking and with me
0:26:38 > 0:26:40it's all or nothing.
0:26:40 > 0:26:45I think going out with a blind bloke is just too much responsibility.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49Oh, no, don't worry about that, after our chat I looked into it
0:26:49 > 0:26:53and I went to Boots and I got some drops and I'm cured.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Yeah.
0:26:55 > 0:27:00The lids were stuck together with sleep, which is quite common
0:27:00 > 0:27:03but no-one's ever had it for ten years before.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Oh, that's brilliant!
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Bloody hell, the world's all bright and colourful
0:27:08 > 0:27:10and everything is so beautiful.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14Now I'd love to see a vagina!
0:27:14 > 0:27:17I've read so much about 'em, well, brailed.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Oy!
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Oh, shit.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22You ain't blind at all, bruv.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Made me look like a right fool back there - give me
0:27:25 > 0:27:26back my money, you little prick.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Excuse me, he actually was blind until he looked into it this
0:27:29 > 0:27:32afternoon and went to Boots and got some drops and it cured him.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34It was actually sleep that was holding them together,
0:27:34 > 0:27:36which is really common, but no-one's had it for ten years
0:27:36 > 0:27:39and now all he wants to do is see a vagina.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50DANCE MUSIC
0:27:56 > 0:27:58CHEERING
0:28:07 > 0:28:09LOUD CHEERING
0:28:17 > 0:28:18MUSIC STOPS
0:28:22 > 0:28:23iTunes has crashed!
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd