0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33- Let's get married.- Yeah.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10- Ams.- Umm?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Good night, weren't it?
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Um, the best.
0:01:16 > 0:01:21Do you remember much of the sort of...detail?
0:01:21 > 0:01:24I remember you proposing.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Yeah...
0:01:28 > 0:01:30it's good, innit?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Just off to be sick.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41MAN LAUGHING
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Nah, you...you've done the right thing. Sensible.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Why now?
0:02:03 > 0:02:07Just felt like the right time, you know, after my seventh pill.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08You know, you ain't allowed
0:02:08 > 0:02:11to sleep with any other birds when you're married.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Really? Oy, what about a threesome?
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Yeah, a grey area, that.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19You don't want to mess Amber about, though.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21She's a good'n.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24You know what? It's time.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27What do I want to be banging other birds for, anyway?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Why go out for chicken nuggets
0:02:29 > 0:02:32when I've got flame grilled peri peri chicken at home?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Mind you, sometimes you just fancy some nuggets.
0:02:36 > 0:02:41Some filthy, greasy nuggets.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Nah.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48This is it for me. Amber's the one, I'm telling ya.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51You know what you should do - buy her something that shows her
0:02:51 > 0:02:52how much you love her
0:02:52 > 0:02:55and how much you want to be with her for the rest of your life.
0:02:55 > 0:03:00You are so right, man. I'm going to petrol station right now!
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- BOTH:- Yes.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11It's half time in this key Premier League fixture
0:03:11 > 0:03:14and Jason's not been performing as expected.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16What's going on out there?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Why you no' linking up with Danny?
0:03:18 > 0:03:22What's going on in that bloody head of yours? Well?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- He's gay.- What?
0:03:25 > 0:03:26He's gay.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28What? Danny's not gay.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30He is, everyone knows it.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33He's not gay. As I said before, he just reads the newspaper.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Yeah and a lot of us don't like it.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38And if I score, I'm not having him try and touch me.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Fucking paper reader!
0:03:43 > 0:03:46I'm not saying he is gay but he was out the other night
0:03:46 > 0:03:49and he had two glasses of wine.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53Yeah, and then, apparently, last weekend he went to a museum.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56So, leave you to draw your own conclusions.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01J! J! Jamie!
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Have a look at this, it's about Danny.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07He's shagging three 15-year-old girls.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09He's straight.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Lads, he's straight.
0:04:12 > 0:04:17Hey, so sorry we got you all wrong, why didn't you tell us?
0:04:17 > 0:04:18I wanted to but I couldn't,
0:04:18 > 0:04:21it's been the subject of an active criminal investigation.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24You mad sod. Come 'ere.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26He's straight.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- Yeah.- Yes!- Yeah!
0:04:28 > 0:04:32You straight bastard, come on, yes, he's straight.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- I know, I can't believe it.- Yeah.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Get it on, get up their arses.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Come on, keep it tight.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- ALL:- Yeah!
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Showers, come on, showers.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53What's going on over here then?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00What seems to be the problem, sir?
0:05:00 > 0:05:01There's just been a mugging.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Is that right? I'll need to take down one or two details.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Now, who is it you've mugged?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Well, good policing's all about dialogue.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Of course, we have face-to-face meetings
0:05:14 > 0:05:17with Black and Asian community leaders.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19How else are we going to arrest 'em?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22By e-mail? Use your common sense.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Right, sir, what I need you to do now is breathe into this for me, sir.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33MACHINE BEEPS
0:05:36 > 0:05:39OK, as I thought.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Now, I regret to inform you, sir,
0:05:41 > 0:05:44you're three and a half times over the ethnic limit.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Right, come with me, please, sir.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Today I feel like some comfort food, so I'm going to be making me
0:05:56 > 0:06:00own simple version of a traditional winter warmer.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Bangers and biscuits.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06These days you can get hold of so many cracking varieties
0:06:06 > 0:06:08and flavours of sausage
0:06:08 > 0:06:13and today I'm using an own brand value sausage.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Now, boil your sausages
0:06:16 > 0:06:20and, to save water, I've filled the pan up from the bath.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25Make sure your sausages boil for at least two hours
0:06:25 > 0:06:28to soften up any bits of cartilage
0:06:28 > 0:06:32and bone that you do tend to get in value sausages.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Now, let's start preparing them biscuits.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Normally, I'm easy going with your choice of biscuit
0:06:41 > 0:06:44but because of the delicate balance of flavours
0:06:44 > 0:06:49and textures in this dish, it's vital you use pink wafers.
0:06:51 > 0:06:56To recreate the mash texture put your pink wafers into a pillowcase.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03And smash 'em to smithereens with a tin of beans.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14Then serve it up as a nice scoop on each plate,
0:07:14 > 0:07:16like so,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19using an ashtray. Looks cracking.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24Now, when it's time, fish out your sausages.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30But divvent throw away the water.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42I'd recommend serving it all up with a couple of varieties of roast veg.
0:07:42 > 0:07:47I'm thinking leek, broccoli, red pepper, courgette.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51Or do what I'm going to do - use crisps.
0:07:52 > 0:07:57I've gone for Space Raiders and, as a little treat, Nik Naks.
0:08:02 > 0:08:07Now, a good gravy really sets off this dish which is why
0:08:07 > 0:08:12I said not to throw away your boiled sausage bath water.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Pour the sausage water
0:08:14 > 0:08:18over the sausages and wafer mash.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25And that's your winter warmer complete -
0:08:25 > 0:08:26bangers and biscuits,
0:08:26 > 0:08:28two varieties of trade crisps
0:08:28 > 0:08:30and lukewarm, boiled water gravy.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36You know what I mean though, we're like, we're the Manchester M21 Gang.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40Innit, bang, bang, bang! AK the Manchester Mental Heads,
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Innit, AK Manchester Mados, yeah.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Do you know what I mean like, yeah, we go rioting and whatever, course we do,
0:08:47 > 0:08:50do you know what I mean. Like, we'll burn things down or whatever.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Yeah, you know why we do these things? Cos we're so fucking bored.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Nothing to do. I mean, people say, like,
0:08:57 > 0:08:59"Why don't you do summit with your lives?" Thing is we have.
0:08:59 > 0:09:05I mean, Ryan, he's managed to get liver cells to regenerate in primate hepatic samples.
0:09:05 > 0:09:10He's combined Vitamin A with a Folic complex that has observed massive improvements in liver cell function
0:09:10 > 0:09:12over a two year period.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16I mean, it'll revolutionise the treatment of hepatitis A, B, and D.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19But because he's not affiliated to a teaching hospital,
0:09:19 > 0:09:21the Government have cut all his funding.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25So course he's going to drop concrete off of a motorway bridge!
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Fucking bang-bang-bang!
0:09:27 > 0:09:31Bang-bang-bang! Manchester Mados, Manchester M21 Gang!
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Bang! Bang! Yeah!
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Are you all right, Lee?
0:09:40 > 0:09:45Oh, my gosh, yes! I ain't seen you in years, innit.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Yeah. I've been glamour modelling. Lost about seven stone.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53I got my boobs done as well, double Gs.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- Have a feel.- Really?- Yeah, go on.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59How do they feel?
0:09:59 > 0:10:03Great. Like two massive tits.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07How about the nipples? They're even more sensitive. Go on.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Oh, them nipples is quality!
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Oh, Lee, you're so funny.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Do you, do you want to come back to my place for a smoke?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19- Well, it's just...- Oh, go on.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- Nah, I gotta... - What you gotta do, sweety?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25I'm off to buy Amber a present.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27She's got a good one in you, that one.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Ooh.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Can I have one little feel again?
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Can I help you with anything?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Oh, no, I'm all right thanks, sweets.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Can I help you?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Er, I've already said I'm all right, thank you, sweets.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Oh, you must have spoken to my twin sister, Kimberley.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06She's in a bit of a bad mood today cos she's so horny.
0:11:06 > 0:11:12The thing is, me and Kimberley, we feel like being so naughty today.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18I'm getting married. I'm doing the right thing.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Oh, no, my top's so tight.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24I need a big strong man to help me take it off.
0:11:25 > 0:11:30I can't, gotta buy a wank benk, I mean present.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34We'll, erm, just have to be naughty with each other then.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43I have to leave now.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57I can't believe this, man, this is...
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Excuse me. Do you mind if I sit down?
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Oh, not again.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Oh, yeah, yeah, course you can, sweets.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19Do you know, I haven't got anything on underneath this.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25# Where them girls at, girls at?
0:12:27 > 0:12:29# Where them girls at, girls at?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33# Where them girls at, girls at?
0:12:34 > 0:12:39# So go get them, we can all be friends. #
0:12:39 > 0:12:43I'm getting marr-i-i-i-i-i-ed!
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Brap-brap-brap-brap-brap-brap-brap!
0:12:48 > 0:12:53You're listening to Kenny K, keep it locked down, my friends,
0:12:53 > 0:12:55cos you in the right place.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58It's THE place, it's my place, it's drum and bass.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Coming up, we've got some of the illest tunes around the nation.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03We're going to be tearing up all over the place, trust me.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04But first up let's head to the texts,
0:13:04 > 0:13:08let's head to the tweets, let's head to the Facebook messages.
0:13:08 > 0:13:13I asked you, if you could be any animal, what animal would you be?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Response has gone crazy on that one.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Charlie from Oldham's texting me,
0:13:18 > 0:13:21saying, "Elephant cos it's so big and it can move logs."
0:13:21 > 0:13:23That's crazy when you think about that.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Mad shout out to Charlie from Oldham,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27that's got to be one of the best first texts
0:13:27 > 0:13:28ever read out on the show.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Anna from Port Talbot said she would like to be a chicken.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34She doesn't say why, that's a real shame.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37If you know why Anna from Port Talbot wants to be a chicken
0:13:37 > 0:13:39make sure you let me know.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41OK, Mark from East Kilbride's texted
0:13:41 > 0:13:44and said he hasn't decided even though he's thought about it.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48You keep thinking, Mark, it'll come. Don't force it.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Hello, today's weather in Scotland, what can I say?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Unseasonably warm today, will feel rather tropical.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Parts of Arbroath reaching two.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Further up the rest of the coast ten degrees lower, minus eight or nine,
0:14:02 > 0:14:04it will feel a good 20 degrees colder with the wind.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07If you're nearby, why not hire a pedalo?
0:14:07 > 0:14:11Tuesday, morning starts out promising,
0:14:11 > 0:14:14by afternoon, freezing fog, torrential sleet,
0:14:14 > 0:14:18bitingly cold - do expect a fresh batch of suicides.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22Wednesday, really picking up, temperatures up by a degree.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Perfect day to say final farewells to loved ones.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29And summary - escape while you can.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33As always, thanks for the photos you sent in.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Here is a flooded bungalow.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Here is a lady taking a piss in a lay-by.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Here is an unemployed gentleman with a smack habit.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Cheerio.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Crazy one here. Bertie from Waterloo
0:14:51 > 0:14:55was going to say ant cos pound-for-pound it's the strongest animal in the world
0:14:55 > 0:14:58and then he thought about how small they are and they probably don't live that long,
0:14:58 > 0:15:01so he's changed his mind and he'd like to be a dog.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03I think you making a right call there, Bertie.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Renjeet from Borehamwood reckon that Anna from Port Talbot
0:15:06 > 0:15:08wants to be a chicken because she likes eggs,
0:15:08 > 0:15:12and if you're a chicken you get a free supply of eggs for life.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16Felix from Chorley reckons Ranjeet from Borehamwood was wrong about
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Anna from Port Talbot wanting to be a chicken cos she likes eggs.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Cos he says if you're a chicken you wouldn't like eggs.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26Oh, my days, Anna from Port Talbot is back on, people.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Keep it locked in for this one.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Let's hope that she's clearing up on her chicken thing.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34She's saying she's changed her mind. She doesn't even want to be a chicken after all.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35She wants to be a frog.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39That's the craziest turn of events I've ever been involved in with a texter.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43That's mad up, mad up, mad up. All we gotta do now is check this.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45PLAYS MUSIC
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Ah, a patient.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50Hello, Mrs Jennings, you're looking fat.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52And hello, son.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55I haven't got any toys, I'm afraid.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Would you like an X-ray instead?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00There's a nine month waiting list
0:16:00 > 0:16:04so, er, here's some old needles to play with instead.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Now, let's find your file now shall we, Mrs Jennings?
0:16:10 > 0:16:15Jennings, Jennings, Jennings.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18No, no.
0:16:36 > 0:16:41Right, Mrs Jennings, I don't appear to be able to locate your file.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Not to worry. I'll, er...
0:16:44 > 0:16:48..write things down on this tissue and file it later.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Now, what's the problem, dear?
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- I just feel really bunged up.- Yes.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58- Really thick mucus.- Yes. - And a bit tired.- Yes.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- Bit of a sore throat, really.- Yes.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03And I came to see you last week and it hasn't improved at all.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08Yes. I am listening but I'm also updating my Facebook status.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12So I think it's time for some antibiotics.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14You said that last week, it didn't work.
0:17:14 > 0:17:19Hm, hm, hm. It's a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Where's Hugh Laurie when you need him?
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Of course! Let's Google it!
0:17:24 > 0:17:29Bunged up, moaning, fat lady.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34That has brought up some surprise results.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35How about a flu jab?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37You gave me one of them last week as well.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38Bloody hell, I'm good.
0:17:39 > 0:17:44Hm, cough, sore throat, mucus.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Of course, why didn't I think of this sooner?
0:17:49 > 0:17:54Yes, hello, sorry to disturb you. I've got a, er...
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Well, I won't say.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Er, no, I will.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02I've got a fat lady here with a sore throat.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06I've tried antibiotics, that hasn't worked and I'm absolutely stumped.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Yes, yes, yes.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15Great, OK. Never mind.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20No, my wife doesn't know either.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24There is some good news, though - it's cottage pie tonight.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25Great!
0:18:28 > 0:18:29Oh, my God!
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Since becoming the break out star of hit reality show,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35The Only Way is Macclesfield,
0:18:35 > 0:18:39Gary Sedgmore's life has gone stratospheric.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Now he's got his own show.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45We've been access all areas to bring you...
0:18:45 > 0:18:50OMG. LOL. FYI. It's Gary!
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Smiley, winky face emoticon.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58I've got this new fridge, it's mental.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Ta da.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03I keep me milk in these two drawers.
0:19:03 > 0:19:11This one is off-milk and this one is off-milk as well, it's massive.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13I can fit inside it.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Hello!
0:19:22 > 0:19:27- Hi, Gary, I'm here.- Ta da!
0:19:27 > 0:19:29I've got my trousers on, let's go.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33But, Gary, you need to put all your clothes on as a set.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Oh, I'm not sure I know my way back to the bedroom, Bev.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40- Didn't you leave a trail of seeds? - No. I ate them.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Oh, Gary, the taxi's here.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Oh, will he know where the bedroom is?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48I'm just me. I mean, on the Only Way is Macclesfield,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50I was Gary with him and I was Gary with her
0:19:50 > 0:19:54and I was Gary with them two. I was Gary with everyone,
0:19:54 > 0:19:56I'm just Gary. I mean, you could give me money
0:19:56 > 0:20:00and I couldn't not be Gary. What are we talking about?
0:20:00 > 0:20:04I've forgotten! That is so Gary.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Ladies and gentlemen,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08you've seen him on The Only Way is Macclesfield.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Now here for you tonight it's Gary Sedgmore.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:16 > 0:20:18The thing is with me I'll think things
0:20:18 > 0:20:21and I'll say what I think and they'll come out of my mouth
0:20:21 > 0:20:24as words and what I say'll just come out me mouth.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Thanks and good night!
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Gary, is that all you were going to say?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39I thought you were going to say more.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Oh, Gary, you've started with your last card.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45What am I like?
0:20:45 > 0:20:49That is so Gary. That's what people like about you.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53- But you've got to go on and do the rest of your cards.- Right, I will.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56Hi.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Have a great night!
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Thanks and good night!
0:21:12 > 0:21:14OK, now this man's got a plan,
0:21:14 > 0:21:18he's saying he'd want to be a small monkey. He'd wait to be brought out
0:21:18 > 0:21:22and he'd sneak into the garage then he'd smash up their stuff
0:21:22 > 0:21:24and eat all their food from the fridge, and even if they caught him
0:21:24 > 0:21:27no-one would think he'd be capable of doing it cos he was just
0:21:27 > 0:21:30a small monkey so he'd get away with it.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32My man, I purposely ain't giving your name
0:21:32 > 0:21:34in case you go through with that plan.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- Excuse me, have you got two seconds of your time then?- No.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41Excuse me, have you got two seconds for charity? Two seconds.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- Excuse me, have you got two seconds for charity? - I already give to charity.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Oh, fucking philanthropist, are we?
0:21:49 > 0:21:53Bill fucking Gates? I'll just pass that on to the agoraphobic duck,
0:21:53 > 0:21:56shall I? I'm sure that'll make him feel better every time
0:21:56 > 0:22:00they step out of their hutch, he'll have a fucking panic attack.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- Well, I try to buy organic... - Oh, shut the fuck up!
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Put your details down there and shut your trap.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Come on, get a move on.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11I assume you'll be putting £10 a month down.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Good fucking decision.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17Keep your letters inside the boxes, it's all read by computers.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Common fucking sense, Jesus Christ!
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Fucking eejit.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29That's lovely, thanks very much. And you get a free
0:22:29 > 0:22:31"Quack if you like ducks" badge.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35Cheers. Excuse me, have you got two seconds for charity, please?
0:22:38 > 0:22:42BBC News with me, Rabbi Steebelstein.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Forgive me if I don't read the news well, but I'm hungry
0:22:45 > 0:22:47and the BBC only had shepherd's pie in the canteen,
0:22:47 > 0:22:50it doesn't sit well with me, I forgot to bring in my own food,
0:22:50 > 0:22:53it's all been a mess. We're having the kitchen redone. Let's just go to the sport.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Don't say the scores! I'm watching Match Of The Day!
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Gary Lineker, ah!
0:23:02 > 0:23:04It's the morning after the night before
0:23:04 > 0:23:08and Chris is debriefing fellow holiday rep Chloe on what went down.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Oh, it was absolutely magic last night, Chlos.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14We played the game where you have to shag someone
0:23:14 > 0:23:15who doesn't want to shag you.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17That's great.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19You feeling all right, Chlo?
0:23:19 > 0:23:22You hardly fucked anyone in the last 24 hours.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Yeah, I've been a bit down.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Oh, no. What is it?
0:23:26 > 0:23:27It's silly.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Chlos, don't be daft, what is it?
0:23:31 > 0:23:35- Well, you know I have an abortion every month?- Yeah.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39- Well, it were me 30th one yesterday. - And....
0:23:39 > 0:23:44I just feel like, I don't know, I'm not doing anything useful.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Don't be stupid, Chloe.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50You have given people some of the best holidays of their lives.
0:23:50 > 0:23:55You're a fuck machine, you will shag anything.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59That's it, I'm beginning to think I'm a slag.
0:23:59 > 0:24:05Don't be daft, Chloe, come here, you soppy sausage.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Oh, dear, listen -
0:24:07 > 0:24:12I've never known someone to fuck over 900 people with more dignity.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13I dunno.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Honestly, there's something just dead classy about you.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22You're a sweety, Chris, but I need time to think.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Are you going to be all right for the games night tonight, Chlo?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Chlo?
0:24:29 > 0:24:33OK, everyone, unfortunately we are going to have to start
0:24:33 > 0:24:35- without Chloe.- Chris, wait.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- Hey, we were about to start without ya.- Oh, you were right.- Yes.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42- Everything you said today made sense.- Yes.- I HAVE got class.
0:24:42 > 0:24:47- Yes.- I've got this. Three, two, one -
0:24:47 > 0:24:51fuck a goat, yeah!
0:24:51 > 0:24:54ALL: Fuck a goat! Fuck a goat! Fuck a goat!
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Look, he's fucking it.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57THEY CHANT
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Yeah!
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Well done tonight, Chloe, great to see you back.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10In fact, the game went so well I think I'm going to lose me deposit.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Listen, babe, I've been thinking.
0:25:20 > 0:25:25I reckon it will be unfair to make someone like you get married
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- and spend the rest of their life with someone like me.- Oh, shut up.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31No, you're such a doer whereas I'm so lazy.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33You put the bins out this morning.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Nah, I just said I did.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38And you're well intelligent, I ain't clever at all.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40You're clever in an unconventional way.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43You see, I didn't even understand that.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Babe, you know I'm just a three out of ten.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48You're, like, a five.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Babe, there's nothing you could ever say that'll put me off you.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55All right, babe, I'll go down the registry office later
0:25:55 > 0:25:57and sort it out, yeah?
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Actually, babe, I can see you're having a few doubts
0:26:26 > 0:26:28you need to work through.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Maybe we should keep things as they are for a while.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Oh, but only if you're happy, yeah?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Yeah, I think so.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Yeah!
0:26:40 > 0:26:41Oh, babe, is it all right
0:26:41 > 0:26:44if I go out tonight? I just feel like some nuggets.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47Yes!
0:26:49 > 0:26:52# We found love in a hopeless place
0:26:52 > 0:26:57# We found love in a hopeless place
0:26:57 > 0:27:00# We found love in a hopeless place
0:27:00 > 0:27:04# We found love in a hopeless place... #
0:27:18 > 0:27:20MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Shit.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Has anyone got an iPod?
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd