0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:08- Yeah, there he is! How was school today?- It was quality.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Ha-ha! Legend! In you get.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13Now it's still warm from the Americano,
0:00:13 > 0:00:15there might even be a bit of pepperoni in there.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Yes!
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Oh, wait.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Remember, it's Dad career talk at school tomorrow.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27What are you going to tell them? You're just a pizza delivery boy.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Stairwell, you've got to understand.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31What you do don't matter.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34As long as you do your job well and honestly,
0:00:34 > 0:00:37you ain't got nothing to be ashamed of.
0:00:37 > 0:00:43I'm a pizza delivery boy and I'm proud, yeah!
0:00:43 > 0:00:44Come on.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Good morning, I'm Captain Nelson
0:01:24 > 0:01:26and I fly fighter jets.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28APPLAUSE
0:01:30 > 0:01:31I brought you some stuff.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Fighter pilot goggles.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Of course, you can also use them for swimming.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40- Wicked!- Oh, cool!
0:01:40 > 0:01:45This is the guidance system of the current jets
0:01:45 > 0:01:48- a fighter pilot would fly. - THEY GASP
0:01:48 > 0:01:52It does look like an old Nokia, but it ain't.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54- Wicked!- Oh, cool!
0:01:54 > 0:01:58This is a piece of shrapnel from a recent mission of mine
0:01:58 > 0:02:01on the Falklands-Iraq border.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- THEY GASP - Have a feel of that.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- Wicked!- Yes, I am a legend.
0:02:08 > 0:02:13This is the emergency survival kit every pilot is issued with
0:02:13 > 0:02:16in case we have to parachute out over enemy lines.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Sick!
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Of course, being part of the Boots Meal Deal,
0:02:21 > 0:02:24you do get a small drink with it.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- I've gone for apple juice.- Nice!
0:02:27 > 0:02:32And that is why one day, I would like to drop a nuclear bomb.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35THEY CHEER
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Thank you.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Well, thank you, Captain Nelson.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41That was a...really inspiring career talk.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Nah, thank you, Miss Summers.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45I might have flown close to heaven
0:02:45 > 0:02:48but I ain't never seen an angel before.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51THEY WHOOP
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Especially one with such unbelievable crackers.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58- THEY LAUGH - I don't say this to all the girls,
0:02:58 > 0:03:02but you are most definitely in my wank bank.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05For keeps, yeah.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09THEY APPLAUD
0:03:09 > 0:03:12I'm off on a mission, kids! Wish me luck, yeah?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14THEY CHEER
0:03:14 > 0:03:17HE MIMICS GUNFIRE
0:03:17 > 0:03:20HE MIMICS GUNFIRE THEY CHEER
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Right, if you'd just like to pop your top off, dear.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33OK.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Good.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Good.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Good, yes.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Good.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Good.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48And here.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53Good.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04OK.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10Now, what seems to be the problem?
0:04:10 > 0:04:14It's my ankle. It's swollen up since I fell on it a couple of days ago.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Let me think...yes,
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I remember where that is.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Oh, look, this one is bigger than the other one!
0:04:27 > 0:04:32- Ow!- So, have you any idea what it, er, might be?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34A sprained ankle?
0:04:34 > 0:04:39Yes. And, er, what do you think we should do?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41I don't know.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Luckily, one of us knows what to do.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48I am going to phone NHS Direct.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Oh, would you mind if I used your phone?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Only, I'm a little behind with the payments.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Great.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Everything else all right with the kids?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04I can't have children.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05No, you can't.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Yes, hello, I'm with a fairly ugly infertile lady
0:05:11 > 0:05:15who has somehow managed to make one of her ankles tiny.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Hello? Hello?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21It's a recorded message, I haven't got time for this.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Would you mind if you just to dealt with it for me?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Yes. You just sit tight, dear.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28- HE SHOUTS - Mr Carter, please!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Mr Carter!
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Hello, Mr Carter. Now, what seems to be the matter with you?
0:05:39 > 0:05:40Oh, well, it's quite embarrassing.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43I am up against the clock here.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Erm, it's really burning when I wee.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49Right. Let's have a look at your cock-a-doodle-doo.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Erm...
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Quick, quick! Come, come, man!
0:05:52 > 0:05:53Let's have a look at him!
0:05:56 > 0:06:00Oh, blimey, that is weepy.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03It's a bit whiffy as well.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05What do you think, Mrs Ide?
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I think I'd better take this outside.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Oh, when you get through,
0:06:11 > 0:06:15would you ask about Mr Carter's stinky penis?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20I think she liked you!
0:06:20 > 0:06:22HE CHOKES
0:06:25 > 0:06:28DRUM AND BASS MUSIC PLAYS
0:06:28 > 0:06:30We've got a lock down with me, Kenny K,
0:06:30 > 0:06:31playing the illest tunes around.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34There's bear love for that tune. It's ripping it up out there.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Right, it's time, people, let's head to the texts,
0:06:37 > 0:06:38let's head to the tweets,
0:06:38 > 0:06:40let's head to them Facebook messages.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44I asked you, what do you prefer, bread or rolls?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47OK, Pete from Milton Keynes, he says he well likes rolls
0:06:47 > 0:06:50but the type he used to get, they don't do no more.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53I'm feeling your pain, Pete from Milton Keynes.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57OK, Jado, who sends so much love for soft rolls,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00but hating crusty ones, but would choose bread
0:07:00 > 0:07:03if he had to choose between bread and crusty rolls.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Mad texts coming in from Merv,
0:07:05 > 0:07:07you know Kenny K loves his mad texts!
0:07:07 > 0:07:12He's hooked me up, and he says, "Has anyone ever tried a bagel?"
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Oh, my days! What is that?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17OK, Adam H from Whalley Range
0:07:17 > 0:07:20says he's going through a mad breadstick phase at the moment.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Who would believe this, man?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23What a texter this is turning into!
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Wade from Beeston says he hates rye bread.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Hey, keep 'em positive if you can, people.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- Check this. - DRUM AND BASS SONG STARTS
0:07:32 > 0:07:37Well, eight days absent in the last five weeks alone.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Hardly a regular here, is he?
0:07:39 > 0:07:42The thing is, we should be looking at WHY is he truanting.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Yeah, we think the school should be doing more.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49I don't know what I'm doing, is that what you're saying?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51No. I certainly wouldn't put it like that.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53But that IS what you're saying.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57I mean, I didn't pick you up wrong. I didn't mishear ya.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01I didn't think that you said something that you never said.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05I mean, my hearing's good and we're all in the same room together,
0:08:05 > 0:08:10so I think it would be reasonable to assume that I heard what you said.
0:08:10 > 0:08:17And you said that it's my fault that your lazy, good-for-nothing,
0:08:17 > 0:08:21pathetic piece of shit, dick-for-brains...
0:08:21 > 0:08:25- HE SHOUTS - ..little streak of piss of a son
0:08:25 > 0:08:28not being bothered to turn up to school.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Perhaps the onus is on us to sort it out.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- HE YELLS - Sit down!
0:08:34 > 0:08:36You started this.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39(Let's finish it, shall we?)
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Let's make sure Nathan is a regular at school from now on.
0:08:45 > 0:08:50Our very own perfect...little...pupil.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57NEVER! QUESTION!
0:08:57 > 0:09:00MY! AUTHORITY!
0:09:00 > 0:09:03EVER! AGAIN!
0:09:04 > 0:09:09And if you ever come into this office
0:09:09 > 0:09:13and mouth me off again, I will cut your face off!
0:09:16 > 0:09:21- Oh, no, the table's broken! - HE LAUGHS
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- HE DIALS NUMBER - 'Hello, Headmaster.'
0:09:27 > 0:09:32Rosemary, would you please see Nathan's parents out?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34They seem to have shat themselves.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40DRUM AND BASS MUSIC PLAYS
0:09:40 > 0:09:44I asked you, what do you prefer, bread or rolls?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Darone from Kilburn said he likes bread
0:09:47 > 0:09:49because he prefers making toast.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51"Do you reckon anyone has ever toasted a roll?"
0:09:51 > 0:09:55My days, you know what, I bet there's someone out there who has!
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Let me know. You got a crazy man, Darone.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01You're welcome on my show, on Kenny K's show, the right show.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Keep it psyched.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Fernando says he quite likes both bread and rolls,
0:10:05 > 0:10:08but wants to give a big shout out to rice.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Consider that done, Fernando, from me, Kenny K.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14A lot of love going out there to the rice, all types, all colours.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Benny B from Sunderland said chatting about this
0:10:16 > 0:10:20is bang out of order - he's wheat intolerant.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23My days, Benny B! Love going out to you, bruv.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25I never meant to offend no-one, man.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Why don't you switch off your radio
0:10:27 > 0:10:30till we finish discussing this in two hours?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- Check this. - DRUM AND BASS MUSIC STARTS
0:10:32 > 0:10:37The BBC news with me, Rabbi Steeblestein.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Tonight's headlines, some good news, some bad news.
0:10:40 > 0:10:41It's always the same.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44I don't know why you watch this. You're killing yourselves slowly!
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Let's go to the sport.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48It's the Rugby World Cup. Who's interested?!
0:10:52 > 0:10:55'After training, tensions are running high
0:10:55 > 0:10:57'between Jason and his team-mate, Maka.'
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Get off him!
0:11:02 > 0:11:03What is this?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- He shagged me missus!- I never done!
0:11:05 > 0:11:06He's a lying bastard!
0:11:06 > 0:11:09He's been shagging my wife while I've been in physio.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13I wouldn't go near your wife! She's got a birth mark on her tits.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Enough, stop this!
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Fucking get into 'em!
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- Get up their arses! - Eddie, not now.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22President, first to the fucking wall!
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Is this true, Jason? What he say, did you?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Of course I didn't.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27Really?
0:11:28 > 0:11:29Well, I did, yeah.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31But only once...
0:11:32 > 0:11:34..a week...
0:11:34 > 0:11:35for two years.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Everybody get out of dressing room,
0:11:37 > 0:11:40this has got nothing to do with anyone else here.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- Well, I have seen a bit of it. - Yes, I also have.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44- Me too, gaffer. - Someone send me the link?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Sorry, Mikey. I thought I'd emailed everyone.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- HE SHOUTS - Everybody out!
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Hey!
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Jason.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53You need to say sorry.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Sorry for shagging his wife.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Maka, you OK?
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Yeah. I suppose I have been shagging Perry's wife, so...
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Then the matter is closed.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08'However, in the next match,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11'it's clear the matter has not been resolved.'
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Why won't you pass to me?
0:12:12 > 0:12:17Cos you're shit at football. Never even played for England.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19I've played for Ireland, dickhead!
0:12:19 > 0:12:22That was embarrassing. He was clear through a dozen times.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Yeah, he would have missed.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- Jason, are you going to pass to him? - No, I'm not.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Jason, you're in the wrong here, you know what you should do.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- I'm not doing nothin'!- Maka!
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Look, Jase, I'm not stupid.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34I know what my wife's like.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Let's just put it all behind us, all right?
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Yeah, I'm really sorry Maka's leaving the club.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Erm, but I believe his wife's staying in the area,
0:12:48 > 0:12:50so we'll make sure we look after her.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01SCREAMING AND GUNFIRE ON VIDEO GAME
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Dad, why did you lie today?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Such an important question,
0:13:06 > 0:13:08I'm going to pause the game.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Come here, son.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18Now listen, lying is always, always wrong,
0:13:18 > 0:13:21unless you're trying to bang someone's teacher.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26- Yeah, you understand? - Thanks, Dad.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Or you've stolen a television.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Come on, let's shoot up some hookers.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34SCREAMING AND GUNFIRE ON VIDEO GAME
0:13:45 > 0:13:49Miss Summers! Oh, my gosh!
0:13:49 > 0:13:54I must have taken a wrong turn and arrived in my dreams!
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Captain Nelson, what are you doing here?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Oh, I'm delivering a pizza, innit?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01But you're a fighter pilot.
0:14:01 > 0:14:06Exactly, and I'm on a fighter pilot refresher course.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08What, on a pizza delivery bike?
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Yes, there has been a little something called the recession,
0:14:11 > 0:14:13so there's been a lot of cutbacks.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17So a lot of wars in future are going to be fought on these -
0:14:17 > 0:14:19the Honda C90 Economy.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Oh, right. But how do they fly?
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- HE LAUGHS - Civilians!
0:14:25 > 0:14:29You see that button there? Let's just say, I wouldn't press it.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33- HORN BEEPS - No, not that one, the indicator.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Yeah, listen, I'll tell you how this flies
0:14:36 > 0:14:41if you tell me how I can fly into your knickers.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- SHE LAUGHS WEAKLY - Now, listen, I've got to go.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45If I don't deliver within half an hour,
0:14:45 > 0:14:47I have to give 'em a quid back.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50Later!
0:14:50 > 0:14:53HE BLASTS HORN
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Yeah, we're the Manchester M21 gang, aren't we?
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Do you know what I mean?
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Fang, innit, AKA Manchester Mental Heads,
0:15:03 > 0:15:05do you know what I mean, AKA Manchester Madoes.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Yeah, do you know what I mean, like,
0:15:07 > 0:15:09we get off our heads on all sorts, won't we?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11We, like, mug people, or whatever, do you know what I mean?
0:15:11 > 0:15:14That's what we'll do. Do you know why we do that, though?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Cos we're so fucking bored, do you know what I mean?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18There's nothing to do. I mean, people say,
0:15:18 > 0:15:20"Why don't you do something with your lives?"
0:15:20 > 0:15:21The thing, is we have.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24I mean, Darren, he was UK Junior Chess Champion this year.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27He was invited to the World Championships in Moscow
0:15:27 > 0:15:28and because he was convicted for, like,
0:15:28 > 0:15:30a minor offence seven years ago,
0:15:30 > 0:15:32the Russian authorities have refused him a visa,
0:15:32 > 0:15:34so he's just stuck here with us.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37So of course he's going to stick a firework up a dog's arse!
0:15:38 > 0:15:39Bang!
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Hello, today's weather in Scotland.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Good morning to those of you who survived the night.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50Today, much the same, gale force, bone-chilling wind,
0:15:50 > 0:15:54temperatures plummeting all the way across Aberdeen to Inverness.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56A good day for a bike ride.
0:15:57 > 0:16:02Friday, cold and frosty, no hope of change all across Midlothian.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06Freezing sleet for the 112th consecutive day.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10That's a record. Congratulations, all of Scotland.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Saturday, good news for the Hebrides,
0:16:13 > 0:16:14cloud finally breaking,
0:16:14 > 0:16:17looking forward to some sunshine for eight or nine minutes.
0:16:17 > 0:16:22Staying as thick snow, freezing mist at higher ground, which will lead
0:16:22 > 0:16:26to the Dounreay nuclear power station to crack.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Alarmingly high levels of radiation,
0:16:28 > 0:16:33best close windows and stay indoors till 2014.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37And the summary - unsurvivable.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38Thanks for your photos.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Here is a collapsed wall,
0:16:40 > 0:16:44there is an abandoned murder weapon
0:16:44 > 0:16:46and, finally, a lady crying.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Have a pleasant day.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Awesome! Yeah, completely,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55we're having a totally mad one tonight, yeah!
0:16:55 > 0:16:57- OK, ciao.- Thank you.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01No way, you're African, bro!
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Hakuna matata!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Shit, I should keep it down!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07You're probably illegal.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10I can't believe you're African!
0:17:10 > 0:17:12I totally know my African culture.
0:17:12 > 0:17:17I mean, you guys invented the fist bump! Awesome!
0:17:17 > 0:17:19My hero's an African.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22I mean I know I'm hardly alone, but what an inspiration that man is.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Who doesn't love Kevin Pietersen?
0:17:25 > 0:17:29You know, I volunteered in a village somewhere in Africa.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Oh, what's it called..?
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Cape Town.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Give me some gum, boy.
0:17:36 > 0:17:42- HE SPEAKS SLOWLY - OK, you need to buy more gum.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Things move at a different pace in the land of the white man, OK?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47But you WILL do it!
0:17:47 > 0:17:51It's Afri-CAN, not Afri-CAN'T.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Awesome.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55I mean, my daddy always said,
0:17:55 > 0:17:59"Give an African a fish, he can eat for a single day.
0:17:59 > 0:18:05"Teach Africans HOW to fish, you have yourself a business."
0:18:05 > 0:18:07He made an absolute killing out there.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- Through that and blood diamonds. - Could you, er, pass me a tissue?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Oh, he's not your slave!
0:18:12 > 0:18:14You don't have to, boy.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Thanks. There's a quid.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17He's not for sale!
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Buying black people?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22You're living in the '80s, mate!
0:18:22 > 0:18:24I'll tell you what,
0:18:24 > 0:18:29let's sing some traditional African songs to keep your chin up.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31HE HUMS
0:18:34 > 0:18:36# Look for the bare necessities
0:18:36 > 0:18:38# The simple bare necessities
0:18:38 > 0:18:41# Forget about your worries and your strife... #
0:18:41 > 0:18:44It would be a great honour if you danced for me.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48Bro, you deserve this.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55And I am going to grab £9.60 change.
0:18:55 > 0:19:0040p is the equivalent of £300 in your currency.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Oh, I wouldn't go into cubicle two.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06Done a shed load of Charlie and curled one out on the floor.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Timing was just out.
0:19:08 > 0:19:13Oooh....AFRICA!
0:19:13 > 0:19:17# It's the circle of life
0:19:17 > 0:19:20# Doo-doo-doo... #
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Oh, my God!
0:19:22 > 0:19:25'Since becoming the break-out star of hit reality show
0:19:25 > 0:19:28'The Only Way is Macclesfield,
0:19:28 > 0:19:32'Gary Sedgmoore's life has gone stratospheric.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34'Now he's got his own show.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38'We've been given access all areas to bring you...'
0:19:38 > 0:19:44OMG LOL FYI, it's Gary!
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Smiley, winky face emoticon!
0:19:49 > 0:19:51I love this one!
0:19:51 > 0:19:52So do I!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54BOTH: Spooky!
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- But I like all of them!- So do I!
0:19:57 > 0:19:59BOTH: Dooby spooks!
0:19:59 > 0:20:01- HE SQUEALS - Look at that one!
0:20:01 > 0:20:03It's so different!
0:20:03 > 0:20:05But how does it go?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07That's the manager's table, Gary.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Oh, my gosh! What am I like?!
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Luckily someone knows their cars,
0:20:12 > 0:20:14I would have paid 80 grand for that table.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Probably good value.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18The thing about me is I'm just me
0:20:18 > 0:20:22and I think that is a thing people relate to,
0:20:22 > 0:20:25cos everyone is just them on some level.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29I remember meeting someone, he said, "Gary..."
0:20:29 > 0:20:31and I can't remember the rest.
0:20:31 > 0:20:36I love it, but the steering wheel's too far away.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Gary, you're in the back.
0:20:38 > 0:20:43- HE SQUEALS - How Gary was that?!
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Right, I'll definitely take one, then.
0:20:45 > 0:20:50I just remembered, I can't drive and I don't have £38,000.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Oh, Gary, what are you like?!
0:20:53 > 0:20:57Shall I get one anyway, or shall we buy sunglasses?
0:20:57 > 0:21:01Or let's roly poly down the hill! Yay!
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Today I've people coming round
0:21:11 > 0:21:15so I'm going to be making a classic with a twist.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Fish fingers and biscuits.
0:21:18 > 0:21:23Open your freezer and get two or three fish fingers per person,
0:21:23 > 0:21:26or four, if you're a little bit of a fat bastard.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Now you can stick 'em in the oven
0:21:32 > 0:21:39or what I'm going to do is just let 'em defrost under a paper towel.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Now while they're warming to room temperature,
0:21:42 > 0:21:45it's a perfect time to think about the biscuits,
0:21:45 > 0:21:48which I know can be intimidating.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Don't worry, you can use any biscuit you like.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55I'm going to use chocolate Bourbons.
0:21:55 > 0:22:01Another bit of preparation you might want to do now is your ketchup.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Now, take your ketchup bottle
0:22:03 > 0:22:06and put it upside down for at least 20 minutes.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11I like to use magazines to prop it up,
0:22:12 > 0:22:14but if you're not much of a reader,
0:22:14 > 0:22:18then use a couple of remote controls.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22Now, them fingers should have defrosted nicely.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Presentation is so important with guests,
0:22:25 > 0:22:29so I'm going to criss cross the fish fingers.
0:22:29 > 0:22:34Place one like so in the middle of the plate
0:22:34 > 0:22:39and lay the other on top of that at an angle.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43Then tip the crumbled Bourbons on top of the fingers
0:22:43 > 0:22:47to make a lovely-looking biscuit pile.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50You don't have to do this but a really nice touch
0:22:50 > 0:22:55is to put a handful of crisps on each plate.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57And there we gan.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00I think I'm going to have some satisfied guests.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02That's fish fingers, biscuits,
0:23:02 > 0:23:06a cheeky sprinkling of Hula Hoops with sauce ready to be poured.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12This'll be interesting.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Hello, sir, I've stopped you on suspicion
0:23:23 > 0:23:25of driving whilst Asian, sir.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Yeah, got a gentleman here
0:23:28 > 0:23:30who could be on the way back from an honour killing,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33requesting a routine ethnic background check, over.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37'Yes, gentleman's ID is Greek, over.'
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Is that right, Greek?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41I do apologise, sir.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44I spent two weeks in Kos, very much enjoyed your country.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46I do hope you understand why we had to stop you, sir
0:23:46 > 0:23:50and very much hope you and your, er...
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56If you'd just like to step out of the vehicle, please, madam.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- HE MIMICS SHOOTING - Got you!
0:24:05 > 0:24:09- Oh, that's a coma job, innit?! - KNOCK AT DOOR
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Shotgun not take it!
0:24:11 > 0:24:13HE SIGHS
0:24:13 > 0:24:14Hi.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Hi, is your dad in?
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Yeah, he's hiding behind the sofa from the Taliban.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23All right, Miss Summers!
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Oh, Stairwell, would you pop outside for a bit, yeah?
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Yeah, so how comes yous has come round here, sweetie pie?
0:24:30 > 0:24:33You come round for a meat feast, you dirty girl?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35No, I...
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Ah, so you want your crust stuffing, you filthy...
0:24:38 > 0:24:40No, I actually want...
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Ah, you want a double portion of pepperoni, you absolute...
0:24:44 > 0:24:50No, it's Stairwell, he's been lying at school to get kisses off girls.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52He's been telling them he's got kidney failure.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Oh, what a legend!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56And I wonder where he gets that from!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58I dunno, a lot of the time I'm on missions.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Oh, come off it!
0:25:00 > 0:25:01You're not a pilot at all!
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Flying mopeds?! Look, I think you're setting a really bad example here
0:25:05 > 0:25:07and as for the mother, where is she in all this?
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Hiya, I'm Stairwell's mum.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Babe, that was the base, they need you for another mission.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15You'd better fly there on your moped, soon as.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16Oh, roger that, babe.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19And Stairwell, come inside and take your meds
0:25:19 > 0:25:21or your kidneys are going to fail.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26So was there something you wanted, Miss Summers?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Erm, no.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30No, I'll hopefully see Stairwell at school tomorrow,
0:25:30 > 0:25:32if he's well enough.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Babe, that was unbelievable!
0:25:39 > 0:25:42I can't believe you just done that.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Oh, babe, did you hear the beginning bit of the conversation
0:25:47 > 0:25:49that I had with Miss Summers?
0:25:49 > 0:25:50No, just the end.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Result!
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Now get up there, Captain Nelson.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59I want my crust stuffing with your double pepperoni meat feast.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Yeah, but I can't be longer than half hour,
0:26:01 > 0:26:03otherwise I have to give you a quid.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14# I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
0:26:14 > 0:26:18# Fire away, fire away
0:26:18 > 0:26:22# Ricochet, you take your aim
0:26:22 > 0:26:26# Fire away, fire away
0:26:26 > 0:26:30# You shoot me down but I won't fall
0:26:30 > 0:26:33# I am titanium
0:26:33 > 0:26:37# You shoot me down but I won't fall
0:26:37 > 0:26:40# I am titani... #
0:26:40 > 0:26:43MUSIC STOPS
0:26:43 > 0:26:46CROWD JEERS
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Ah, I got it, we're back on!
0:26:49 > 0:26:54OK, it's game on, here we go!
0:26:54 > 0:26:58MUSIC: "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- BOOING - Fuck!