0:00:00 > 0:00:06This programme contains strong language and adult humour
0:00:06 > 0:00:10Finally got him off, I didn't want him to disturb Benson.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12What are you up to, nutter?
0:00:12 > 0:00:13Run out of weed, innit.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15And you know what I heard?
0:00:15 > 0:00:19Apparently, if you smoke banana skins, it gives you a proper buzz.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Oh, that's bollocks. Innit?
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Ignition.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55Thank you, Captain.
0:00:55 > 0:01:01One small step for man, one giant banana spliff for mankind.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02THEY GIGGLE
0:01:09 > 0:01:12HE COUGHS
0:01:12 > 0:01:16That is rank. Oh.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Oi, what else has Amber got?
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Yes.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23COUGHING
0:01:29 > 0:01:33All right, ginger - give me a headache.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36- Mint - made you feel sick.- Yeah.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39- Cumin seeds.- Made my feet tingle.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42THEY LAUGH
0:01:42 > 0:01:48- All right. Chilli. Extremely flammable. Dill.- BOTH: Nah, nothin'.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Chutney - couldn't get it to light.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55What's this one, tarragon, any good?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Ain't tried it.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Well, for the 54th time, light her up.
0:02:07 > 0:02:12Oh, my gosh! I ain't kidding ya, this is as good as weed.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14HE LAUGHS
0:02:17 > 0:02:22Yes, yes, I can't feel my legs! Yeah.
0:02:22 > 0:02:27We've invented the tarragon spliff. It's only 89p a jar.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Hey, this must be how Stephen Hawkins felt
0:02:31 > 0:02:33when he invented gravity.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Let's take it to Craig's tomorrow.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Yay.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Today I'm making a British classic, Welsh rarebit,
0:02:45 > 0:02:50but instead of cheese I'm going to use biscuits.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Let's start with the bread.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56Choosing your bread is so important for the flavour of the dish.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59I'm using an own-brand, value-range, white loaf.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05This one was reduced as it was sold on the day of the sell-by date.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10You can toast the bread but it will achieve exactly the same effect
0:03:10 > 0:03:12but with a lot less effort.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Just leave the bread out on a plate over night.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19If you like it really toasty, make that two nights.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Here's some I left out yesterday.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Have a listen to that.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25SCRATCHES BREAD
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Toast sound without wasting any leccie.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Now onto the biscuits.
0:03:31 > 0:03:37A lot of people ask what's the best biscuit as a stand-in for cheese?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Well the answer is Oreos.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42The first thing you're going to need to do is
0:03:42 > 0:03:46split your Oreos in half dead carefully,
0:03:46 > 0:03:50making sure you keep equal amounts of white cream filling
0:03:50 > 0:03:52on either half of the split biscuit.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56I'm going to use me debit card.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02There you go.
0:04:02 > 0:04:07Use about six Oreo halves per stale bread slice
0:04:07 > 0:04:10or ten if you're a bit of a fat bastard.
0:04:11 > 0:04:18Whack under the grill until the cream filling starts to bubble.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22If you divn't have a grill just sit on it.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Grilled Oreos always smell delicious.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Don't forget a splash of Worcester sauce
0:04:35 > 0:04:38or, if you haven't any to hand, use crisps.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44And there you gone, biscuit Welsh rarebit for one.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50Know what I mean though, yeah, we're the Manchester M21 gang, bang.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51You know what I mean?
0:04:51 > 0:04:53AKA the Manchester Mental Heads. Bang, bang, bang.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Do you know what I mean? AKA the Manchester Maddos.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Yeah, we get smashed off our heads, won't we.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02You know what I mean, cars as well, yeah. We go joy riding or whatever.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Do you know what I mean? Why not?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Do you know why we do these things though?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Cos we're so bored, know what I mean,
0:05:07 > 0:05:08there's nothing to fucking do.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11People say, "Why don't you do something with your lives?"
0:05:11 > 0:05:12The thing is, we have.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14I mean, Kieran spent four and a half years developing
0:05:14 > 0:05:18a revolutionary new lithium battery for electric cars.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21It's got a range of 14,000 miles off a single charge,
0:05:21 > 0:05:23top speed of 200 miles per hour.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26He sent a blueprint off to one of the major Japanese car makers
0:05:26 > 0:05:29to see if they were interested in developing the project.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Didn't hear a thing from them, next thing you know, they're
0:05:32 > 0:05:35producing a brand-new electric car with Kieran's exact battery.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38They completely nicked his idea but because he knew
0:05:38 > 0:05:40nothing of the patent laws he hasn't got a leg to stand on.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44He's lost out on an estimated 2.3 billion quid
0:05:44 > 0:05:47and that's a conservative estimate
0:05:47 > 0:05:51so of course he's going to set fire to the community centre.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53Bang.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Sorry, everyone.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06I'm just dealing with an emergency.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Just trying to get a young man in kidney failure admitted
0:06:10 > 0:06:12but it might take some time.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26(SHOUTING) Holloway Odeon.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Holloway Odeon.
0:06:30 > 0:06:36Alvin and the Chipmunks in 3D.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40One ticket.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Student concession.
0:06:44 > 0:06:462.30 performance.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Barclaycard.
0:06:51 > 0:06:594929 1800 2001.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Expire 11/14.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Security number.
0:07:08 > 0:07:15660, 660,
0:07:15 > 0:07:20662!
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Now fuck off!
0:07:28 > 0:07:30I'm so sorry.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Right, I'm afraid I'm going to have to
0:07:33 > 0:07:36go down to the hospital and knock some heads together.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Popcorn's good for the kidneys.
0:07:50 > 0:07:56This is good. This is very good.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57Moroccan, innit?
0:07:57 > 0:08:03Correct first time, got it from the capital of Morocco.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06I'll pay you a grand a key. How much can you get me?
0:08:06 > 0:08:10As much as you can handle as long as the supermarkets open on a Sunday.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12HE LAUGHS
0:08:12 > 0:08:14That's funny.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18You remind me of me when I was your age.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Craig, we was in the same class at school, you bell end.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Yeah, but I was like three months older than you, innit.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- Look, just get me my shit, yeah. - All right, all right.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31So do you want anything from the supermarket while we're there?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34That ain't funny the second time, yeah.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37THEY CHEER
0:08:37 > 0:08:40I can't believe we're going to be tarragon millionaires.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42BOTH: Yeeees!
0:08:51 > 0:08:55Hello and welcome to Praise Be To Jesus television
0:08:55 > 0:08:58with me Pastor Daniel Boule.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Today I would like to talk to you about Noah and the flood.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06What is the main message we should take from
0:09:06 > 0:09:09this inspirational bible story?
0:09:09 > 0:09:13The answer is - don't be gay.
0:09:13 > 0:09:18Why was all of humanity wiped out in the flood and only Noah saved?
0:09:18 > 0:09:23Because everyone apart from Noah was thinking about dick.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27During Noah's time there was a huge amount of dick devilry and
0:09:27 > 0:09:30when God looked down upon the earth
0:09:30 > 0:09:33and saw a man touching another man's buttocks,
0:09:33 > 0:09:37God started to cry and his tears fell upon the earth as rain.
0:09:37 > 0:09:42And when God looked again, this time he saw a man putting another
0:09:42 > 0:09:44man's shaved balls in his mouth.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48God was inconsolable and tears became a flood.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53But all of good Noah's thoughts were completely dick-free and instead
0:09:53 > 0:09:57he built an ark where he could safely think about tits and fanny.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00So he was saved.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Once all the gays were washed away,
0:10:02 > 0:10:07God placed a rainbow in the sky which was a lovely symbol
0:10:07 > 0:10:09until the gays stole it and put it on their flags.
0:10:09 > 0:10:17So please, let Jesus into your life and stop thinking about dick. Amen.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21DRUM AND BASS MUSIC
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Got the craziest hits heading your way in the next
0:10:23 > 0:10:26couple of hours of the show but now let's head to the texts,
0:10:26 > 0:10:30let's head to the tweets and let's head to them Facebook messages.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32I asked you, do you wear a watch?
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Marco from Crystal Palace says yes, he does wear a watch.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Tasha from Cumberland says she's got two watches - one for work,
0:10:39 > 0:10:41one for going out - but they're both silver.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Oh, my gosh, that's a great second text.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Isaac from Stoke Newington says no watch
0:10:47 > 0:10:49but if he did have a watch, he would wear it.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51That's also a good third text.
0:10:51 > 0:10:56Zoe from Exeter says, "Does anyone know the exact time right now?"
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Yes, I do, Zoe. I'm lucky enough to have a well big clock
0:10:59 > 0:11:00up here in the studio.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03OK, Graham from Peterborough says he has a watch
0:11:03 > 0:11:05but he doesn't give the colour.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Please come back in with the colour, people.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10I know I didn't ask but it's a process, people.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12It's between me and you.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19'Jason's formed a strong friendship with new Brazilian, Luka,
0:11:19 > 0:11:22'but they're soon in trouble with the manager.'
0:11:22 > 0:11:25What is this, Jason? I tell you many times about this.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Oh, sorry, mustn't fuck a prostitute. I forgot about that.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32And Luka is new here, you should be helping him.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35This damages both your reputations.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Hey, you won't say that if you see her. Here, have a look.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Check out the jebs on her.
0:11:39 > 0:11:44No. How you do this anyway? We were only in Swansea three hours.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Immediately dressing room, warm up, game, warm down then back on coach.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49When you do this?
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Half time.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52HE SIGHS
0:11:52 > 0:11:54This is really not acceptable, Jason.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58I scored a goal, so fuck off. Come on, Luka.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04'With Jason's form dipping and Luka scoring nine goals in seven games
0:12:04 > 0:12:07'the manager's got plans for the young Brazilian.'
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Luka, I'm very impressed with how you're working
0:12:09 > 0:12:12and I'm thinking of pushing you up from midfield
0:12:12 > 0:12:15and playing you as centre forward in the next few games.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Eddie.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Long shot up front to your target man,
0:12:20 > 0:12:25back of the fucking onion bag. Watch, watch and fight for it.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28OK.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35BONE SNAPS, HE SCREAMS
0:12:35 > 0:12:37You dived, foreign prick.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39HE SPITS
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Are you all right, son?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Fuck off.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Yeah, I'm gutted for the lad.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Erm, I think the injury came about cos he's struggling to
0:12:48 > 0:12:50adapt to the pace of the Premier League.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Erm, is he expected to be fit again soon?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Yeah, as soon as his tibia's healed
0:12:54 > 0:12:56and his cruciates are sewn back together.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Em, hopefully, we'll see him back in two or three years.
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Cheers, boys.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05ENGINE STARTS
0:13:05 > 0:13:07So do I pay you up front?
0:13:11 > 0:13:15OK, Nadia here, doesn't wear a watch, great text.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Alex from Deptford said he got a watch for his birthday,
0:13:18 > 0:13:20he likes it but it's slightly too big.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Oh, my gosh, I'm feeling your pain.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26OK, Patrick from Bootle says his watch is water resistant.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Does that mean he can swim with it or just get it a little bit wet?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33That's a mad good question, I will Google that right now myself, man.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35You do not want to get that watch mashed up.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Bill from Matlock says he's got a watch but he doesn't wear it.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41OK, listen, some mad confusion going out there on texts
0:13:41 > 0:13:43and the tweets and on Facebook.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47I'm asking - do you WEAR a watch? Not - do you OWN a watch? OK.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50That's going to be tomorrow's texter. Check this.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51DUBSTEP MUSIC PLAYS
0:13:54 > 0:13:55SHOOTING GAME ON COMPUTER
0:13:58 > 0:14:00What's all this stuff?
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Where did you get the money for this?
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Oh, I sold some sperm.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07THEY LAUGH
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Seriously, where d'ya get the money?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Oh, we sold 950 jars of tarragon.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14What?
0:14:14 > 0:14:18Yeah, we discovered tarragon has the same effect as weed,
0:14:18 > 0:14:22bought a tonne of it, sold it to Craig for a grand.
0:14:22 > 0:14:27No, you discovered I keep my weed in a tarragon jar.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28Yeah.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32I keep my weed in the tarragon jar.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Yeah.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38Craig has paid you £1,000 for some tarragon.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Yeah, that's all right though, babe.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Hey! Fuck!
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Well, it'll go well with chicken.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48And you spent all the money?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Yeah, but I didn't forget you, babe.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I got you a well good present, it's a mounted singing fish.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55It is a good present.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Craig is going to batter you. What're you going to do?
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Oh, got it!
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Apparently, if you smoke banana skins, it gives you a proper buzz.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10Damo, your memory really has gone to shit.
0:15:10 > 0:15:15Now we'll get battered by Craig unless we come up with a plan.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Excuse me, have you got two seconds, please?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19- No, no. - It's for charity, it's for charity.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Excuse me, have you got two seconds please, just two seconds.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Two seconds for charity.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Excuse me, have you got two seconds, please.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Sorry, we're off to the theatre.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Oh, now I've fucking heard everything.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36If you think watching a bunch of pricks pretending to be a different
0:15:36 > 0:15:39bunch of pricks is more important than helping out short sighted
0:15:39 > 0:15:43badgers who are bumping into shite left, right and centre, while you
0:15:43 > 0:15:48piss off to some gobshite show, you need your fucking heads examining.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52Now fill out the form, you dickhead. Come on.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Fuck off, eight quid!
0:15:54 > 0:15:58Your norm is 15, if you can afford the theatre every night.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Bank details, account number, you know the fucking drill.
0:16:04 > 0:16:09Smashing. And you get free entry to the sanctuary where you can
0:16:09 > 0:16:12see the badgers living comfortably in a padded environment.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Thanks a lot.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Excuse me, have you got two seconds please, just two seconds.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22BBC News with me, Rabbi Steeblestein.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26Tonight's headlines - not tonight, I cannot concentrate.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29I found a lump on my arm, I'm sure it's nothing
0:16:29 > 0:16:31but at my age, who wouldn't worry.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34You think you could get an appointment with the GP the same day.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38Oy, oy, oy! If anyone knows what this is, just here, there.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Agh, let's go to the sport. It's a girl.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Does that make sense? To me, it doesn't.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Hello, today's weather in Scotland.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50Starting off, thick fog, overcast, sleet, some showers.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Seeing some chance of moving down the Western parts of Scotland,
0:16:54 > 0:16:56looking ideal for a picnic.
0:16:57 > 0:17:02Wednesday, starting with freezing fog moving along the coast.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06In Dunfermline, deep fog, biting winds, driving sleet.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Sounds good for the barbecue.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13Thursday, bitingly cold, easterly gale starting to pick up.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Out towards the west, see temperatures there,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19nice thick frost, could reach a balmy two.
0:17:19 > 0:17:25Frost, fog, hail, thunder, sort of like a cracking day.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27And the summary - bleak.
0:17:27 > 0:17:33Thanks for sending in your photos. Here's one of a dog taking a shite.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Here's a sofa that's been left on a pavement.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40Finally, here's some children with rickets.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Goodnight.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Yeah, yeah, you would, yeah. Ah, brilliant.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52All right, later, yeah.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Cracked it.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57THEY CHEER
0:17:57 > 0:18:01But you, babe, need to do us a little favour.
0:18:01 > 0:18:07Would you, just for this weekend, go on the game?
0:18:07 > 0:18:11If it helps persuade you, out of the five people I've just belled,
0:18:11 > 0:18:15four of them said they would be interested in banging you for money.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18How about I save Craig a job and batter you myself?
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- I've got it.- Yes, I've got it too, at the same time.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26It's obvious what you do.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Yeah, I mean there's an obvious one here, innit.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30I've got it under control.
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Yeah, you phone up the coppers.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Yeah, I had that bit, the phoning the coppers bit, obviously.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37And you tell them that Craig's lock up is full of drugs.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Tell them it's chock-a-block with the stuff.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41- And then you call Craig. - Next call you do is to Craig.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44And you tell him there's going to be a raid.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46- Mention it's going to rain. - Nah, a raid.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Yes, with a D.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- But he shouldn't worry cos you'll take care of it.- That bit.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51And then...
0:18:53 > 0:18:54We're coming to the end of it now.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58You sit down and play on the X-Box until...
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Final part of it.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Until Craig comes round and says thanks for sorting it out for me.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Of course, Craig's going to come round and thank me.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09And that's it. You're off the hook.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Yes, that's the end of it, that's the plan, sorted.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16Why is Craig going to thank me?
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Because when the police raid his lock up, there won't
0:19:20 > 0:19:24be any weed and Craig will think you swapped it all for tarragon.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Oh, my gosh, that's genius.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31- So just to be clear, I don't have to do a thing.- Exactly.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Result. Amber, I love you.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Yeah, but five minutes ago you were asking me
0:19:36 > 0:19:38to sleep with people for money.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Would you still be up for it?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42I'll bell Craig, yeah.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Send them in please, Rosemary.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Having a good mufti day, are ya?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Mufti day's good, innit?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Like, you don't have to wear school uniform,
0:19:55 > 0:19:58get a bit of freedom, bit of choice.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Just pay a pound, don't ya. Goes to charity.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Cushty, everyone's happy.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10What'd you three do when I give you a bit of freedom, hey?
0:20:12 > 0:20:13Bit of choice.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Bit of independence.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Bit of responsibility.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25You take the piss.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29I give you the gift of mufti day and this is how you repay me.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31You mack me off like a wanker!
0:20:33 > 0:20:35I'm getting stressed out.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46You know what I do when I get stressed out?
0:20:46 > 0:20:50I go fishing, I've got me own boat.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Keep it down Southend, take it out at the North Sea.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Yeah, you only have to go a couple of miles,
0:20:59 > 0:21:02feels like you're in the middle of the Atlantic.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Yeah, no-one about.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09You ever seen a body after it's been in the water a couple of hours?
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Gets all puffed up like a balloon.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17And then the crabs come along and they always start up with the eyes
0:21:17 > 0:21:20and work their way down the rest of the body.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23A couple of hours later, there's nothing left.
0:21:28 > 0:21:33You know what, you three should come down for the weekend.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Yeah, and we can all go fishing together. The four of us.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39It'd be a laugh, wouldn't it?
0:21:39 > 0:21:40HE CHUCKLES
0:21:40 > 0:21:43That'd be a lot of fun, wouldn't it?
0:21:43 > 0:21:45HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:21:45 > 0:21:47You up for it?
0:21:48 > 0:21:49I can't hear ya.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51ALL: No, headmaster.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Well you'd better piss off out of here
0:21:53 > 0:21:56and get some sensible fucking clothes on then.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Go on, and you might as well take
0:21:59 > 0:22:03your stupid little mufti day shitty pound coins with ya.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11Rosemary, I'm ready to see the boy who come in a skirt.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Do I know?
0:22:19 > 0:22:23'Last night, holiday rep Chris organised one of his famous parties
0:22:23 > 0:22:26'and, as usual, there's been some damage.'
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Listen, if I could turn the clocks back,
0:22:28 > 0:22:31I'd still play indoor bonfire fuckfest.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35Yeah, all right, cheers. Oh, Chloe.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36What is it?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Well, you know we burnt half the hotel down last night?
0:22:39 > 0:22:44Yorgos says he won't take it any further if you'll fuck him.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- Yeah, all right.- Cheers, Chloe.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Thing is he wants to go bareback
0:22:48 > 0:22:51and he's probably got a shed-load of diseases.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53No, that's fine, Chris.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Sorry, Chloe, he's a fucking deviant.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Honestly, Chris, it's no problem.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Well, it won't be forgotten on your assessment.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05'Later on, Chris and fellow rep Chloe gather the group
0:23:05 > 0:23:07'to tell them some news.'
0:23:07 > 0:23:11OK, guys, now I've just had a phone call from Katie's mum.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13GROUP: Oooooh!
0:23:14 > 0:23:17I was going to tell you personally but I thought it'd be
0:23:17 > 0:23:19a lot funnier to announce it in front of the group.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21What, is it me exams?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24No. Your dad's died.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27THEY ALL CHEER
0:23:28 > 0:23:32- Bloody sod, Chris. - Come on, it's funny, isn't it?
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Yeah, it is, but bloody hell.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35THEY LAUGH
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Hey, we'll make it up to you.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39You are not going to pay for a single drink tonight,
0:23:39 > 0:23:41isn't that right, everyone?
0:23:41 > 0:23:42THEY ALL CHEER
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Hey, let's get going.
0:23:44 > 0:23:49I want all the girls to go to their rooms and dress like absolute slags.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51THEY CHEER
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Lads, I want you to go and take some amphetamines, get yourselves
0:23:54 > 0:23:59nice and aggressive, we're going to have a fucking big one tonight.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01THEY CHANT
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Everyone. Let's get fucked up!
0:24:05 > 0:24:08LOUD DANCE MUSIC
0:24:08 > 0:24:11ALL: Shot, shot, shot, shot!
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Yeah!
0:24:16 > 0:24:19ALL: Shot, shot, shot, shot!
0:24:23 > 0:24:26THEY CHEER
0:24:30 > 0:24:31Are you all right, Chloe?
0:24:31 > 0:24:34- It's just so sore. He's an animal.- Urgh.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37It'll be fine. But he's still grumbling about his hotel.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39We'll have to think of something else.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40Bloody hell, it's only a hotel.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Come on, more shots, more shots.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46ALL: Shot, shot, shot, shot!
0:24:46 > 0:24:50ALL: Banana shot, banana shot, banana shot!
0:24:50 > 0:24:52ALL: Chug, chug, chug!
0:24:52 > 0:24:56ALL: Fish bowl, fish bowl, fish bowl!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58THEY CHEER
0:24:59 > 0:25:02ALL: Shot, shot, shot, shot!
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Shots. Do some shots.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Put it in her mouth.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16GIRL: Shot, shot, shot, shot!
0:25:17 > 0:25:18You know CPR, don't ya?
0:25:18 > 0:25:21I said I did but I don't.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22THEY ALL LAUGH
0:25:24 > 0:25:30Oh, blimey, she's dead as well. Her mum is going to be gutted.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32I'll text in the morning, I'm sure she'll see the funny side.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34THEY LAUGH
0:25:39 > 0:25:41CRAIG: Where is he? Where is he?!
0:25:47 > 0:25:49I owe you big time, bruv.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53You're a genius.
0:25:53 > 0:25:54Nah.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57I'm telling you, blood. Proper big time.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59So how'd you get hold of all that tarragon?
0:25:59 > 0:26:02We just happened to have 1,000 jars in the cupboard.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05It goes very well with chicken.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Well, you sorted me out proper.
0:26:07 > 0:26:13And as a little thank you, I brought some of the stash I bought off ya.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Let's skin up right now, blood.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17(LAUGHING) Yay.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Nah, better idea.
0:26:22 > 0:26:27Apparently, if you smoke banana skins it gives you a proper buzz.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Safe! Let's do it, man.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Yesss!
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Oi, where'd you hear that from?
0:26:42 > 0:26:44DANCE MUSIC
0:27:12 > 0:27:14MUSIC STOPS
0:27:14 > 0:27:17PEOPLE BOO
0:27:17 > 0:27:21The previous guy set this up for me and I knew this would happen.