0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07Stairwell, can you lay the table, I want to talk to your dad?
0:00:07 > 0:00:10Oh, please, he's about to kill the last hooker.
0:00:10 > 0:00:11Go on, Stairwell.
0:00:11 > 0:00:12Oh.
0:00:16 > 0:00:23Ah, I see, getting Stairwell out the picture, you dirty girl.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Are we finally going to do that thing I been asking you about?
0:00:26 > 0:00:27Get the basics right first, babe.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29I been watching more videos about it.
0:00:29 > 0:00:30Babe, it's been three months
0:00:30 > 0:00:32since you lost your job at the petrol station.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Yeah, that wasn't my fault.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36I thought they said you could smoke on the forecourt.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40- I think you wanted to lose that job. - The hours were killing me -
0:00:40 > 0:00:4310 in the morning till four in the afternoon.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45You try doing that two days a week,
0:00:45 > 0:00:46every other week!
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Well, either, way it's time you got a job and I'm being serious.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52We need the money. You gotta grow up.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54- No, no. - KNOCK ON DOOR
0:00:54 > 0:00:57- Shotgun not take it! - < STAIRWELL: Shotgun not take it!
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Oh, hi, Elliot.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33- Can Lee come out, please? - I dunno.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Oh, please, Amber, please, I promise I'll be mature.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Please, let me play, please, let me play - yes.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Will you be back for tea?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44DOG BARKS
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Yeah, go on, Benson.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49MUSIC: "A-Punk" by Vampire Weekend
0:01:54 > 0:01:55Yeah!
0:01:57 > 0:01:58I love this, man.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02What a buzz, yeah.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05Yes!
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- Hey, am I too heavy for you. - No, mate.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10It's so good you can't feel your legs.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16Mrs Fine with the itchy vagina.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Mrs Fine with the itchy vagina!
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Well, what's the problem, dear?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29My vagina's really quite itchy.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33I knew that, I just didn't want to say and embarrass you.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Pop your top off dear.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47Yes.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Yes.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Yes. Mm-hm.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Good.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08So, tell me a bit about your vagina.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11On a scale of 1 to 10,
0:03:11 > 0:03:15where one is not itchy at all
0:03:15 > 0:03:20and 10 is, "Oh, shit, itchy..."
0:03:23 > 0:03:25..how itchy is your vagina?
0:03:25 > 0:03:26A six.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Yes, that's normal.
0:03:29 > 0:03:34And on a scale of 1 to 10 where one is not achy at all
0:03:34 > 0:03:40and 10 is, "Oh, Jesus, that's achy shit..."
0:03:45 > 0:03:47..how achy is your vagina?
0:03:47 > 0:03:48About a six again.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Yes, that's fine.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55And on a scale of 1 to 10 where one is not burny at all
0:03:55 > 0:03:58and 10 is, "Oh, oh,
0:03:58 > 0:04:02"argh, so burny..."
0:04:06 > 0:04:07..how burny is your vagina?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Probably a six again.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11That's unusual.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15So on the itchy, achy, burny scale
0:04:15 > 0:04:20you're coming in with a total IAB of 18.
0:04:20 > 0:04:25Well done. That puts you sixth place on the leader board.
0:04:25 > 0:04:31Yes, Mrs Ryecroft was unfathomably burny and pretty damn itchy.
0:04:31 > 0:04:36Now, strictly speaking, I should examine your vagina
0:04:36 > 0:04:39but I think we probably both agree I'm better off staying out of there.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Well, it could be a number of things,
0:04:47 > 0:04:50it's almost impossible to tell without looking.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54But I'm going to go for some sort of...
0:04:56 > 0:04:59..infection. OK with you?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Great. So I'm going to give you...
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Prescription pad.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08There she is. Antibiotics...
0:05:11 > 0:05:14..and a fork for scratching.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19I highly recommend you don't use your vagina for a week.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Good.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Yeah, we're the Manchester M21 gang.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Bang, bang, bang! Do you know what I mean though?
0:05:27 > 0:05:28AKA the Manchester Mental Heads.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Come on. Do you know what I mean though?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32AKA the Manchester Maddoes.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Bang! Do you know what I mean though?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Yeah, we get high on drugs or whatever.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Yeah, we'll nick cars. Do you know what I mean though?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Do you know why we do these things though? Cos we're so fucking bored.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Know what I mean? There's nothing to do. People say, know what
0:05:44 > 0:05:47I mean like, "Why don't you do something with your lives?" We have.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50I mean Carl, right, he set up a touch and feel classical music group
0:05:50 > 0:05:53for autistic kids to give them some stimulation cos they do need that.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56I've been to one of his workshops. Fucking blew me away.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59But do you understand the hoops you have to jump through to get a safety
0:05:59 > 0:06:02certificate to work with special needs kids in public buildings?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Council have turned him down flat
0:06:04 > 0:06:07so course he's going to stab a copper.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10Bang.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Testing yourself as a chef is really important
0:06:18 > 0:06:23so today I'm going to whack you through a sushi and rice recipe.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27To keep it nice and straightforward, instead of raw fish,
0:06:27 > 0:06:29I'm going to use crisps.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32And instead of rice -
0:06:32 > 0:06:33biscuits.
0:06:33 > 0:06:39The crisps I've chosen are the most suitable raw fish substitutes.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Wotsits.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Buy one pack per person
0:06:44 > 0:06:48unless you're catering for a load of fat bastards.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Lay out your Wotsits on a tray
0:06:51 > 0:06:56and leave 'em oot for a few hours to slightly harden.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Noo, while the crisps are getting stale you need to
0:06:59 > 0:07:02turn your attention to your biscuits.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04They're replacing rice
0:07:04 > 0:07:09so the biscuit of choice is coconut macaroons.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11You're going to need to crumble up a lot of macaroons
0:07:11 > 0:07:15and the simplest way I dee this is to run 'em over in your car.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19To get the consistency right on these,
0:07:19 > 0:07:22I went back and forward eight times
0:07:22 > 0:07:27but that will vary depending on the make and model of your car.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28If you don't have a car,
0:07:28 > 0:07:32just gently place your macaroons on a railway line.
0:07:34 > 0:07:39Sushi is traditionally wrapped in Japanese seaweed
0:07:39 > 0:07:43but just as tasty and far simpler to get hold of
0:07:43 > 0:07:45are dock leaves.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48I got these from me estate communal area.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51Lay out a dock leaf.
0:07:52 > 0:07:58Sprinkle on a handful of crushed coconut macaroons and place
0:07:58 > 0:08:02a single stale Wotsit on top of that
0:08:02 > 0:08:06and then wrap it all nice and tight.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11And slice it in half with a Stanley knife.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23There we gone - looks cracking.
0:08:23 > 0:08:28You'll need to repeat that for each individual crisp.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31To keep up the Japanese theme, why not eat it all with chopsticks?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Or, as I've done,
0:08:33 > 0:08:35use a couple of carrots.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37And there we have it.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40That's sushi and rice made simple
0:08:40 > 0:08:44with crisps, dock leaves and biscuits.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Oh my, God!
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Since becoming the breakout star of hit reality show
0:08:49 > 0:08:51The Only Way Is Macclesfield,
0:08:51 > 0:08:56Gary Sedgemore's life has gone stratospheric.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57THEY SCREAM
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Now he's got his own show.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02We've been given access all areas to bring you...
0:09:02 > 0:09:07OMG LOL FYI it's Gary.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Smiley, winky face emoticon.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14God, it's Beverley!
0:09:14 > 0:09:16THEY SCREAM EXCITEDLY
0:09:17 > 0:09:19I was just thinking about you.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21I was just thinking about you!
0:09:21 > 0:09:23BOTH: Spooky!
0:09:23 > 0:09:24I've missed you.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26I missed you too.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27Where have you been?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30To the front door to get these.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31BOTH: Papers!
0:09:32 > 0:09:33BOTH: Spooky!
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Which one of us thought of spooky.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39BOTH: You did.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40BOTH: Spooky.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42BOTH: Spooky!
0:09:42 > 0:09:43BOTH: Spooky!
0:09:45 > 0:09:46BOTH: Spooky!
0:09:47 > 0:09:48BOTH: Spooky!
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Thing is, I'm just Gary and I think that's what people like.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57I mean, you could pay me a million pounds and I'd be still be Gary
0:09:57 > 0:10:00but just with a million pounds.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Oh, my gosh, I had a nightmare when I got home last night.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05It was all pitch black in the house.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Did you try turning on the lights?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Oh, my gosh, that is so Gary.
0:10:10 > 0:10:15Embarrassed-faced emoticon with some glasses on.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19- Have you seen? You're front page.- No!- Yeah!
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- No!- Yeah!- No!- Yeah!- No!
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Gary, stop it, you're going to pass out again.
0:10:26 > 0:10:33- Gary!- Gary!- Gary, come on.- Gary! - Over here, Gary.- Gary!
0:10:33 > 0:10:38Oh, my God! I've been facing the wrong way. How Gary is that?
0:10:38 > 0:10:42I'm just me. I'm not like someone who you know, just, sort of...
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Do you know what I mean? I'm just Gary.
0:10:44 > 0:10:50I like him cos he's always Gary. He's like unique like that.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52What happened? You wet yourself.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55I know. I didn't know where the toilets were
0:10:55 > 0:10:57and I didn't want to ask so I just went.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01- Oh, my gosh, I can't believe you did that.- I know. It was mad.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03No-one would've seen either
0:11:03 > 0:11:05but I collected an award I wasn't even nominated for.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Why did you do that?
0:11:06 > 0:11:08I forgot my name.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11I thought it was Richard Hammond.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- But it's not. It's Gary.- I know.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15How Richard Hammond is that?
0:11:15 > 0:11:16I mean, how Gary is that?
0:11:16 > 0:11:17I'm Gary.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21- I know. That's what people like about you.- I know.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26I've wet myself again.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Hello and welcome to Praise Be To Jesus Television
0:11:38 > 0:11:40with me Pastor Daniel Boule.
0:11:41 > 0:11:47I like to talk to you today about the story of the Good Samaritan.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51A man lies injured along the roadside.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55A priest approaches and walks on by.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58A Levite approaches and he too walks past.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Finally, a Samaritan approaches and stops to help the injured man.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06What can we learn from this?
0:12:06 > 0:12:09You should not be gay.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14The priest and Levite walked past the injured man
0:12:14 > 0:12:17because they were both thinking about dick.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20They hardly even saw the injured man
0:12:20 > 0:12:22because they were both walking really fast
0:12:22 > 0:12:25in order to get to a gay party.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27But the Samaritan was able to stop
0:12:27 > 0:12:29because he was not a dick devil.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31The Samaritan was a good man
0:12:31 > 0:12:35and was thinking about fanny and tits.
0:12:35 > 0:12:40The Samaritan could easily have taken advantage of the situation.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42He could have thought, "A helpless man.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46"I will pull his trousers down and munch his dick."
0:12:46 > 0:12:48But he did not.
0:12:48 > 0:12:53The Samaritan could easily taken his own dick out
0:12:53 > 0:12:56and slapped it across the injured man's face again and again
0:12:56 > 0:13:00just for pleasure but he did not do any of these things
0:13:00 > 0:13:05because he wanted to go and stick his dick in a lady's hairy fanny.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Please, let Jesus into your life
0:13:08 > 0:13:12and stop thinking about dick. Amen.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Oi, them rims are sick, yeah.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23- Yeah, yeah, brand new. 100 quid. - Ah, how do you afford that?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Disability benefits, innit?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Oi, you ain't still got your old wheelchair, has you?
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Yeah.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31Yeah.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Mr Nelson, we have no record of you being disabled.
0:13:40 > 0:13:46I didn't want to be a burden on the NHS so when I got disabled
0:13:46 > 0:13:49my Mum just bought a load of cream and dealt with it at home.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Right, so what's the level of your disability?
0:13:52 > 0:13:56Well, just about the sort of level you need for full benefits.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58So you can't feed yourself.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Nah, not without a fork.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Do you need any help in the bath?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Always a bonus, innit? Cheeky slag.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Can you cook a main meal?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Sadly not.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11OK, Mr Nelson, I think that's all the information I need.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12You'll receive £200 a week.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Get in!
0:14:14 > 0:14:16And the good news is, as part of the new back to work scheme
0:14:16 > 0:14:19we have a placement for you at Sports Universe.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21You start first thing in the morning.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22But I'm disabled.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25We've had a lot of feedback from the disabled community
0:14:25 > 0:14:27saying that they don't just want to receive handouts,
0:14:27 > 0:14:30they also want to feel like they're contributing.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31Stupid fuckers!
0:14:33 > 0:14:37Oh, the people you know who did just want to get benefits.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Fucking hell, this is hard.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48The BBC News with me Rabbi Steeblestein.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Tonight's headlines -
0:14:50 > 0:14:54I feel fantastic. Apricots. Who would have thought?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56I've been stubborn, 15 years.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59One apricot, the whole system's cleared out.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Let's go to the sports. I feel I could join in.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Jason and the squad are travelling to their next
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Premier League fixture.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13It's good to see you play a nice game of cards.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17- It's a good way to relax before the game.- Right, let's have a look.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20So how much do you owe me?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22- 398 grand.- What?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24£400,000?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26You could buy a house for this.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Maybe in your country.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30Let's go again.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33They are betting huge sums of money.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35This is not normal in England, is it?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37What should I do, Eddie?
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Create some space, pass it out wide,
0:15:39 > 0:15:41get right fucking into 'em!
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Fuck 'em up, come on!
0:15:46 > 0:15:49The match has finished and the lads are in high spirits.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Four-nil, get in!
0:15:52 > 0:15:53Four-nil!
0:15:53 > 0:16:01THEY CHANT: Four-nil, four-nil, four-nil, four-nil, four-nil
0:16:06 > 0:16:09What is going on in here?
0:16:09 > 0:16:12You lose four-nil at home? This never happen.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15I know that's why we got such good odds.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17You bet against yourselves!?
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Come on gaffer, I scored an own goal hat trick.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20I get to keep the ball.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22You make me sick.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25We are this close from the title. You are mad in the head.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28You're all millionaires anyway.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Fucking get in there and get up their arses.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Eddie, the game is over.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Yeah, I know, I'm just talking about next week's game.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42An hour later and matters have escalated.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44OK, everyone, sit down.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46This is incredibly serious.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Knew he'd say that. That's a grand you owe me.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51- Sit down, Jason. - There you go, that's another one.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Jason, sit down and shut up! I'm sick of you today.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Didn't think he'd say that. Here's one back.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00The FA is launching a full inquiry.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04The police is also beginning an investigation.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Jason, scissor-kick own goal from the edge of the area -
0:17:07 > 0:17:09not helpful at all.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12This is very serious.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16The club have brought in top celebrity lawyer Adrian Irvine.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19So, Jason, in your own words, tell me what happened.
0:17:19 > 0:17:24All 24 squad members put 200 grand each on us losing four-nil
0:17:24 > 0:17:27then we threw the game and made a shitload of money.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31OK. I think I've got enough there to get you off.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34A week later, the squad meet to hear their fate.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Right.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40The CPS have agreed to drop all charges.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Yes.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45But the FA are certain wrongdoing took place.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49They've banned us from Europe and they're docking the club 12 points.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Yes!
0:17:51 > 0:17:5712 points and a European ban. Fucking get in, come on, yes.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Come on!
0:17:59 > 0:18:02THEY CHANT: Loaded, loaded, loaded.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07DRUM AND BASS MUSIC PLAYS
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Brap, brap, brap, brap, brap, brap, brap.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12You're listening to Kenny K. You made the right choice
0:18:12 > 0:18:14for the right reasons cos you are locked down
0:18:14 > 0:18:17to the finest drum and bass sounds around.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Sit tight, you know what I'm saying.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23OK, now it's time, people, to head to the texts, the tweets
0:18:23 > 0:18:25and them Facebook messages.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28I asked you are you left-handed or right-handed?
0:18:28 > 0:18:31OK, responses come flooding in.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35Lucy from Morecombe, right-handed, Calvin from Wakefield, right-handed.
0:18:35 > 0:18:40I don't believe this man. Jimmy, Jamal, Candy, Ian, Becs,
0:18:40 > 0:18:42all texted the show saying they're right-handers.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45I reckon that 80% are coming in right-handed.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Come on left-handers.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Maybe it's harder to text.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Sam from Golders Green saying he's right-handed
0:18:52 > 0:18:54but he's trying to use his left more.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Good luck with that, Simon.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58OK, Nelly from Coventry has texted in.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01He says, "I know it's not what you're asking,"
0:19:01 > 0:19:02but he's saying his left thumb
0:19:02 > 0:19:05is slightly bigger than his right thumb.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08That's some mad-up fact, Nelly, I'm loving it, loving it, loving it.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11In fact, I'm throwing that open right now if anyone out there
0:19:11 > 0:19:12has got different size thumbs,
0:19:12 > 0:19:14text me, tweet me, hook me up on the Facebook.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17My days! I still can't get over Nelly's thumbs.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19OK, finally got one coming in from Steve in Altrincham.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Stevie says, "I'm a left-hander."
0:19:21 > 0:19:24That's great to hear, Stevie. I've got mad love for left-handers.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Another left-hander coming in straight away after that one.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Another left-hander. Oh, this is great to see.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Another one and another one.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Oh, I don't believe it!
0:19:34 > 0:19:36I've been reading out the same text.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37OK, apologies your way, people,
0:19:37 > 0:19:40I hope you don't feel messed about by that.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43That's a big sorry coming out to you from Kenny K. Check this.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- I saw that, Liam.- Oh, shut up, sir. - LAUGHTER
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Crickler, you'll be in some serious trouble in a minute.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58No! That is... That is... KIDS SHOUT AND LAUGH
0:20:02 > 0:20:07You'll be sorry when...when the headmaster gets here.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08CLASS FALLS SILENT
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Right, Mr Davies,
0:20:15 > 0:20:18suppose I'd better see that note then, hadn't I?
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Here it is Headmaster.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29"Mr Davies is a massive gayer."
0:20:29 > 0:20:32HE CHUCKLES
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Who wrote the note then?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Oh, I'm sorry, you mustn't have heard me.
0:20:54 > 0:20:59I said which one of you pricks wrote that Mr Davies is a massive gayer?
0:21:11 > 0:21:14You're not going to make me repeat myself, are you?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16It wasn't actually me, it was Dave Crickler.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Well done, Harris. Good boy.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- We don't like note writers, do we, Harris?- No, sir.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25There's only one thing we like even less.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29And that's a grass!
0:21:29 > 0:21:34A dirty, filthy, slimy, disgusting, repulsive,
0:21:34 > 0:21:38disloyal, backstabbing shitty grass.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47And, Crickler...
0:21:47 > 0:21:48Davies...
0:21:48 > 0:21:51is spelt with an E.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Now open wide.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Good boy.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06And if you can't control this bunch of pubescent wankers
0:22:06 > 0:22:08I'll find someone who can...
0:22:12 > 0:22:14(..you massive gayer.)
0:22:17 > 0:22:18(Now teach 'em Geography.)
0:22:20 > 0:22:22(Good boy.)
0:22:22 > 0:22:24DRUM AND BASS MUSIC PLAYS
0:22:24 > 0:22:28Oh, my gosh, I've got a mad interesting one coming at me
0:22:28 > 0:22:29right here, right now.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33Marlon from Southwark has texted in saying he's completely left-handed,
0:22:33 > 0:22:38apart from when he uses a computer mouse, plays sport and writes.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41My gosh, Marlon, that sounds crazy daisy.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Marlon, I would love to hear from you again on any other subject,
0:22:44 > 0:22:47you are welcome, that is mad-up stuff.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49OK, Nathan from Canvey Island.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51You won't believe this man.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52He's dropped in saying
0:22:52 > 0:22:56he can use his left hand and his right hand equally.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59There is a word for it but he can't think of it.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Gotta go, he's at work.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04My days, man, what a day this is turning out to be.
0:23:04 > 0:23:09Nick from Cricklewood coming in saying, yes, he does like mustard.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Nick, that was yesterday. Check this.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Oh, yeah, there's one.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26No, I don't think the police force is institutionally racist
0:23:26 > 0:23:28otherwise why would we let Pakis in?
0:23:40 > 0:23:41Step out, sir.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Oh!
0:23:45 > 0:23:50Out of the car. Out of the car. You're free. I'm liberating you.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Out of the car.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Run! Go on, run.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57They can't run. They've had their feet bound.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Run! You're free to run.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- Oh.- I'm liberating you.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04DANCE MUSIC
0:24:06 > 0:24:08It's the last day of the season
0:24:08 > 0:24:12and holiday rep Chris makes sure the guys and girls have a fab day.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16ALL: Let's get fucked up!
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Whoo! Yeah! Come on!
0:24:19 > 0:24:21THEY CHEER
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Oooh!
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Yeah!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45That was fun, Chloes. What were the numbers in the end?
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Two dead, one critically injured
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- and three with non-life threatening brain damage.- Not bad.
0:24:50 > 0:24:55On my first season, I had one group, 24 people died.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Nobody went home.
0:24:57 > 0:25:02Chloes, you have been absolutely amazing this season.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Same again in March?
0:25:04 > 0:25:09No. Chris, I've met someone. I'm leaving the rep game.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12You've met over 950 people, Chloe.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14None of them ever stopped you repping before.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Who is the lucky fella?
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- It's Yorgos.- Bloody hell.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20I'm in love with him.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23But he smashed your fanny to bits.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26I've always had a thing for bad boys.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Well, I couldn't be happier for you Chloes.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33But hang on, you've always wanted to fuck 1,000 people.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35I don't care any more, Chris.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Come on, Chloes, you've wanted this for so long.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42The season's not quite over and you're on 990.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43It's not important.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44It is.
0:25:44 > 0:25:49Everyone, I need nine lads to come and fuck Chloe.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Oh, Chris!
0:25:51 > 0:25:53You're so sweet.
0:25:53 > 0:25:54CHEERING
0:25:54 > 0:25:55SHE SQUEALS
0:26:04 > 0:26:07- Thanks, Trish. - Tell us how it happened again.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Well, I was on Blizzard Mountain, right.
0:26:10 > 0:26:11That sounds terrifying.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13It was. It's Europe's tallest ride.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Goodness.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17And we was caning it round the quickest bend
0:26:17 > 0:26:21and I just flew out cos they ain't done the safety bar proper.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23You should sue them.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Nah, it was such a laugh.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Well, that is really brave.
0:26:28 > 0:26:33Well, you say that but I was just doing my duty for my country.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41Well, enough from me, yeah, I think we all better get back to work.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48Lee.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Amber.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Well done, babes, you've got a job.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- Yeah. Yes, I did. - Why didn't you tell me?
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Was it going to be a surprise?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Yes. Good one, well done.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Oh, that's so sweet. Come here and give me a kiss.
0:27:02 > 0:27:09No. I must remain sat here at my workstation.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Part of the maturity thing.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14He's done very well especially after what he's been through.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17The training course is half a day of hell.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19He's being modest, after what happened to him
0:27:19 > 0:27:21on Blizzard Mountain.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24You told your boss you shat yourself?
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Yes, Derek, I shat myself.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29That's to be expected, Lee.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Actually, Derek, I'm, I'm feeling a little lightheaded.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Oh, I'll just go and mush up your egg for you.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35Legend.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Wow, they're nice here.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38We'd do anything for this guy.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40You did say soft boiled didn't you, Lee.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43- Oh, cheers, Derek.- Lee, just let me know when you're ready
0:27:43 > 0:27:45- and I'll take you down to the toilet.- Ah, sweet, Mike.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47This is unbelievable.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50- Egg's ready. - I've made quite an impression.
0:27:50 > 0:27:55I am so proud of you, babe. An actual proper job.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00In fact, you know that thing you've been asking me about?
0:28:00 > 0:28:01Yeah.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Well, tonight I'm going to give it to you.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06Yes.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17DANCE MUSIC
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:34 > 0:28:36MUSIC INTENSIFIES
0:28:36 > 0:28:38CROWD SCREAMS
0:28:44 > 0:28:46MUSIC CUTS
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Oh, no.
0:28:53 > 0:28:54Has anyone got a dongle?