0:00:02 > 0:00:05You'll be all right on your own tonight, yeah? Yeah!
0:00:08 > 0:00:15Remember, 11pm. You get 10 minutes of free mucky stuff before it gets scrambled.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Lee Nelson's Well Good Show.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Quality!
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Yes!
0:00:49 > 0:00:53My man, my man. Yes!
0:00:53 > 0:00:58Old geezer, young geezer, nice-looking bird, hello!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Yes! Spread the love, spread the love,
0:01:01 > 0:01:03spread the love, spread the love. Hello, hello!
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, geezer.
0:01:06 > 0:01:13Hello! Yes! Funny-haired geezer, sweetheart, bobble hat.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Yes! Old geezer. Look at that! Mwah!
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Welcome to Lee Nelson's Well Good Show.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21I'm Lee Nelson!
0:01:21 > 0:01:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Coming up on my show tonight,
0:01:26 > 0:01:32he's fat, he's round, he bounces on the ground, it's my best mate, Omelette.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:35 > 0:01:39My nan is going to be watching the show. Yes!
0:01:39 > 0:01:42It's my nan! Hello, Nan!
0:01:42 > 0:01:46And I'll be taking the piss out of that man's goatee.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48LAUGHTER
0:01:48 > 0:01:52Hello, mate. It's Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. Quality!
0:01:58 > 0:02:01People, people, people. I am in the mood of my life.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Let me tell each and every one of you that.
0:02:03 > 0:02:08My brother has just got back from Afghanistan. Yes!
0:02:09 > 0:02:13He ain't a soldier or nothing. He had his stag out there.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Legend, innit?
0:02:14 > 0:02:17He said it was like a warzone or something.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21So I've had to look after my little sister the whole week.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25She is a proper handful, let me tell you that. 13 years old.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27I've got to look after her. She's always giving me this.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31I'm just sitting there, minding my own business the other day, watching telly.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34She canes it out the house. I'm like, "Where's you off to?"
0:02:34 > 0:02:38She's like, "I'm off to a mate's party. Nothing you can do about it."
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Giving it all that. I looked at her and said,
0:02:40 > 0:02:43"You ain't going to a party looking like that. You know what I mean?
0:02:43 > 0:02:48"Now you get back upstairs and you put some fucking make-up on."
0:02:50 > 0:02:52She looked 11.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56Who here has got a little sister? Little sister alert.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Anyone, anyone, anyone?
0:02:58 > 0:03:02Have you, geezer over here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at you, my man.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04You can't go all shy on me,
0:03:04 > 0:03:06not after putting on them clothes this morning.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09How old's your little sister, geeze?
0:03:09 > 0:03:1116.
0:03:11 > 0:03:1316-years-old. Look at that.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15That's a big age, ain't it? 16.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18When you go from 15 to 16, that is a big one, innit?
0:03:18 > 0:03:23Do you know what I mean? Like, day before, I'd be a paedo...
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Day after, legend.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Yes, you can't stop me. She's 16, innit?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Look at that. Good for you.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38Quality! You don't like it when I talk about your sister like that.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41It's all good. It's hard though, innit?
0:03:41 > 0:03:46My little sister's been, like, well cut up because our granddad passed away a little bit ago,
0:03:46 > 0:03:49which was well difficult for her especially, man.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52We basically took him to Alton Towers
0:03:52 > 0:03:56and it was all a little bit too much for the fella.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59He died on that Nemesis ride.
0:03:59 > 0:04:04Which is bad. But at least we got a photo of him just before he passed away.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Well, we would have, but 12 quid? Fuck that.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Have you got a granddad, sweetie pie?
0:04:21 > 0:04:25- No, not any more.- Not any more. Oh my gosh. Let me comfort you.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Yeah, yeah, yeah. With my tongue.
0:04:30 > 0:04:35Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Come on. It's what he would have wanted. He was filthy.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Yes. Look at that.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45That's how you end up banging them, innit, geeze?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47How old are you, geeze?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- Just 16. - 16, have you done it yet?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Oh, man. It's all a bit embarrassing for you. Is this your dad?
0:04:54 > 0:05:01- Yeah.- Don't look like that! He's fucked a load of people.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- You all right, my man, over here? Good to see you.- And you.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23- Look at you. You all right, geeze? - Enjoying it.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Enjoying it. Fucking brilliant.
0:05:25 > 0:05:30Yeah! Look at that, my man. You've got to let go, man.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Just ease it up now. That's it. Yes.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Good man. How old is you?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- 78.- That's so good, my man.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Come here, geeze. Good for you, man. Look at that.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Give me your wallet.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46They're so easy.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Good for you, geeze. Good for you. Quality.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53I miss my granddad, man. I properly miss my granddad, innit?
0:05:53 > 0:05:58Do you miss your granddad, sweetheart? Yeah. Oh, my gosh, let's have a hug about that.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Maybe a little feel and that.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07That's nice, innit? Yeah, sweets, innit? Yes, look at that.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Are you watching and learning, geeze?
0:06:10 > 0:06:14You've got to take an interest in them and all that sort of stuff.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17That's what girls love. They love it when they talk to you and all that.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Are you all right, sweets?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22- Yeah.- What's your name, delicious?
0:06:22 > 0:06:27- Cat.- Cat. That's the most beautiful name I ever heard in my life.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31Now, that's a pack of fucking lies. But she don't need to know that.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34You keep them interested, innit?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Sweets, tell me a little bit about yourself.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38What did you get up to today?
0:06:38 > 0:06:39I went to work.
0:06:39 > 0:06:45Oh, that's so fucking interesting. You see? Couldn't care less.
0:06:45 > 0:06:50What are you into, sweets? What gets you in the mood? Hmm?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Hmm? Do you like hoovering?
0:06:55 > 0:06:58You make use of them. Write that down.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Give me a shout when you done it.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04It's all good, though. All I want to say is just respect to everyone, man,
0:07:04 > 0:07:09because sometimes the older generation can think we're violent or something
0:07:09 > 0:07:12and that ain't true, you know.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15And anyway, yous loved fighting back in the day, didn't you, my man?
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- Yeah.- They did. They had a war with the whole world, innit?
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Yeah, they kill thousands and thousands of Germans.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26And you have a pop at us for being violent. You know what I mean?
0:07:26 > 0:07:30I've killed one German.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34And he was giving it all that, do you know why mean?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37I don't know where the fucking town centre is.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39No idea.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40No idea.
0:07:40 > 0:07:47Now, listen, old people is meant to be well wise, so are you up for putting that to the test?
0:07:47 > 0:07:53- Yes! And getting the chance to win some quality prizes. Yes!- OK.
0:07:53 > 0:07:58I promised I'd have a go at you for that goatee and the time has now come.
0:07:58 > 0:08:04Yes, let's give it up for my man let's play How Many People Have They Banged? Yes!
0:08:08 > 0:08:11How Many People Have They Banged?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14OK, here we go. This is how we do things.
0:08:14 > 0:08:20Person number one, come out from under the covers.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Look at that.
0:08:25 > 0:08:31Use your wisdom, OK, to work out whether the pregnant bird in bed one
0:08:31 > 0:08:37has banged more or less people than my best mate Omelette.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41I'll give you a clue, take a look at them. OK?
0:08:43 > 0:08:48All you've got to do is say higher if you think she's banged more people
0:08:48 > 0:08:51or lower if you think it is less.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55This is to play for a tartan wheeler.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Audience, help him out.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- AUDIENCE: Higher! - I think you've got your answer.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- What are you going to go for? - Higher.- He's going for higher.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08OK, bird in bed number one, how many people has you banged?
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Hi, I'm Lucy and I've banged four people.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20Look at that! Four people. Sounds like one hell of a night.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22She's pregnant, everyone.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25- Can I have a feel, yeah?- Go for it. - Of your tits.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29They grow bigger, innit? It's quality.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32- Is he still working?- Yes.
0:09:34 > 0:09:40OK, here we go. Right, this is to play for a pen to keep by the phone.
0:09:42 > 0:09:47Person number two, come out from under the covers.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Look at that.
0:09:51 > 0:09:57Albert, do you think he has banged a higher number of people than Lucy?
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Audience, help him out.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- AUDIENCE: Higher! - Everyone's going higher.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05- Over to you, Albert.- I'll say lower. - He's going to go lower!
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Look at that.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09I think people hate you.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13OK, now, here we go. Let's find out.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16My man, how many people has you banged?
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Hi, I'm Vic and I've banged two people.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Look at that!
0:10:25 > 0:10:29- Well done, geeze. Look at that, two people. How old is you?- 69.
0:10:30 > 0:10:36My man. That's like banging one person every 35 years.
0:10:36 > 0:10:41- That's not great, is it? - Quality, not quantity.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44APPLAUSE
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Hang on.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Has anyone seen either of them?
0:10:50 > 0:10:56OK, geeze, well done. This is to play for an home sweet home cushion.
0:10:58 > 0:11:03Person number three, come out from under the covers.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Look at that.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12You like her, don't you?
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Look at that. You're poking into me now.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19OK. Hello, sweets.
0:11:19 > 0:11:25Do you think our fit bird here has banged a higher or lower number of people than the loyal Vic?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Let's ask a few people. Higher or lower?
0:11:28 > 0:11:33What are you going to go for, Albert? Higher. He's gone for higher. Sweetheart,
0:11:33 > 0:11:35how many people have you banged?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37My name's Gaj and I've banged no-one.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42Oh, my gosh! Is that for real?
0:11:42 > 0:11:46- How old are you, babe?- 23.- 23!
0:11:46 > 0:11:53That's like nine good years wasted. Oh, my gosh!
0:11:53 > 0:11:55How come you haven't banged no-one, sweetheart?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58You more of a blowjob girl?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01I don't believe in sex before marriage.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04You don't believe in sex before marriage?
0:12:04 > 0:12:09That is mental, innit? Most birds don't believe in sex AFTER marriage.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12I bet you know all about that, Albert, innit?
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Resigned look. A few visits to the shed. OK,
0:12:16 > 0:12:19I'm afraid you've lost your home sweet home cushion.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23OK, Albert. Here we go. We are going to try and get you the chance to win
0:12:23 > 0:12:28a porcelain thimble to put on the mantelpiece.
0:12:30 > 0:12:35OK, person number four, come out from under the covers.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Look at that, my man.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Is you a dwarf or has you just given birth?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50OK. My man. What are you going to go for? He's going to go for higher.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53I think it's in the bag. How many people have you banged?
0:12:53 > 0:12:56My name's Amin and I've banged 13 people.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Whoa!
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Look at that. Quality.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Yes, yes. Small five.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Big round of applause for Amin.
0:13:10 > 0:13:15OK, Albert, you have won the tartan wheeler,
0:13:15 > 0:13:19the pen to keep by the phone, the porcelain thimble.
0:13:19 > 0:13:24Do you want to walk away now...
0:13:27 > 0:13:33..slowly, or gamble it all with bed number five
0:13:33 > 0:13:38for a chance to keep all your prizes and win tonight's star prize?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40A non-slip bathmat!
0:13:43 > 0:13:45- Look at that. What are you going to do?- Gamble.
0:13:45 > 0:13:50Yes! OK. Come through here. Tight little space there. Look at that.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Well done. OK.
0:13:53 > 0:13:59Here we go. Person number five, come out from under the covers.
0:14:02 > 0:14:07OK. For the last time, you've got to use your old person's wisdom.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Do you think she has banged a higher or lower number of people
0:14:10 > 0:14:14than Amin's well respectable 13?
0:14:14 > 0:14:17What are you going to go for? Audience, help him out!
0:14:17 > 0:14:19AUDIENCE: Lower!
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Lousy prizes. Higher.
0:14:22 > 0:14:28Ooh, he's gone higher. OK, sweets. How many people has you banged?
0:14:28 > 0:14:33My name is Lolly and I've banged 110 people.
0:14:33 > 0:14:38You've won the prize! Yes. Yes!
0:14:38 > 0:14:43Good man, innit. That is mental. 110.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Have you ever heard of such a thing? Is you making this up, sweets?
0:14:47 > 0:14:51I'm not making it up because my name's Lolly Badcock and I'm a porn actress.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Oh, my days!
0:14:52 > 0:14:56It's Lolly Badcock, oh my gosh, this is mental.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Me and my little boy are massive fans.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Look at that. It's so nice to meet you.
0:15:01 > 0:15:06Me and my little boy have got all your DVDs, man. Stuck together!
0:15:06 > 0:15:10OK, my man. Let's give it up for Albert.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Brilliant, yes.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Yeah, 111?
0:15:18 > 0:15:22I'll be well quick. OK.
0:15:22 > 0:15:27Here's one man who could give even Lolly Badcock's stats a run for their money.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30It's my favourite Premier League footballer,
0:15:30 > 0:15:32go mental for Jason Bent.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Yeah, yeah.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Jason Bent is one of the Premier League's brightest talents,
0:15:44 > 0:15:48and we've been given 110% access to his life.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55This is 110% Bent.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59With Jason out of action due to injury,
0:15:59 > 0:16:02he is in serious demand for media work
0:16:02 > 0:16:05and agrees to take a seat on the Match Of The Day 2 sofa.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Hello, good evening and welcome to Match Of The Day 2.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13We've highlight of both of today's games and all yesterday's goals.
0:16:13 > 0:16:18Here with the last word on the weekend's football in the Barclays Premier League are Lee Dixon
0:16:18 > 0:16:23and we are both delighted to have with us tonight one of the Premier League's top strikers,
0:16:23 > 0:16:25currently out of action of course, Jason Bent.
0:16:28 > 0:16:33Jason, lovely to have you along. You've had serious knee problems for three seasons now.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Is this a recurrence of the same thing?
0:16:35 > 0:16:39- No, not at all.- The knees have been completely sorted now.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42We got in the knee specialist from America.
0:16:42 > 0:16:51I had three operations and after that he worked out I'd basically been like, you know, basically like,
0:16:51 > 0:16:52putting my boots on the wrong feet.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57The rehab is going all right then?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59I didn't know you knew about that.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04But yeah, I've been almost clean for 48 hours now.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07What about watching games instead of playing in them?
0:17:07 > 0:17:12I speak to a lot of professionals who are injured and just can't bear it, find it terribly frustrating.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15I'm not a very good spectator at all to be honest.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Cos of me injuries I've had to watch four matches from the stands this season.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22I've been kicked out of three of them for racist chanting.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Just don't rate our new Cameroonian.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Right. I mean, your team is obviously struggling.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34Do you find it hard not to contribute in those circumstances? They could do with you out there.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Most players do find it incredibly frustrating not being able to help out the team,
0:17:38 > 0:17:42but I'm very fortunate that I couldn't give a fuck about this football club.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46What about the rest of the season? How's it going to pan out for the club?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Yeah, we've got a great bunch of lads.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51And the spirit in the camp is fantastic.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54I don't see any reason why we can't win the league.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Obviously it's not mathematically possible.
0:17:57 > 0:18:02Lee, mathematically possible or not, what do you say to their chances?
0:18:02 > 0:18:06With all due respect to Jason, I think the squad's got potential.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08But they've had an awful lot of injuries
0:18:08 > 0:18:13and I think their main priority this season is to avoid relegation, to be honest with you.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Fuck off, Lee Dixon!
0:18:14 > 0:18:16What do yous know about football?
0:18:17 > 0:18:24- Today's lunchtime kick-off, Blackburn versus Everton. - Tosser.- Twat.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- Knob head.- You're a knob head.
0:18:27 > 0:18:32Next week, the club organises a team bonding weekend for Jason and the squad.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38- That's for sleeping with my missus, you- BLEEP!
0:18:38 > 0:18:42That's all on 110% Bent.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Oi, people, you are going to love this.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52I got caught speeding at the weekend!
0:18:52 > 0:18:59Yes. 120 miles per hour, in a car park.
0:18:59 > 0:19:04Come on, man. B&Q to World of Leather in under three seconds.
0:19:04 > 0:19:12How stupid is the coppers? I swear to you, he pulls me over, right, he says, "Why is you going so fast?"
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Do you know what I mean?
0:19:13 > 0:19:18I says, "Cos I nicked this car and yous been chasing me."
0:19:18 > 0:19:22"Your driving's all over the place." I says, "Mate, I'm pissed out of my skull.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26"You're lucky I'm sitting in the front."
0:19:26 > 0:19:28I got arrested, that is a rush and a half man.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31It was proper. I got my one phone call.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34I call the premium-rate sex line.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37My missus was furious, man.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39She hates me calling her at work.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Look at that! I've got arrested like nuff times, innit, Omelette?
0:19:44 > 0:19:48What I hate about the coppers, every time I get arrested
0:19:48 > 0:19:52they treat us different, and it's so fucking annoying man.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56A few months ago, I got arrested. I beat up this white geezer.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58They done me for ABH.
0:19:58 > 0:20:04A few days ago, got arrested, beaten up this black geezer, they done me for impersonating a police officer.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09My beef with the coppers, right, they ain't even good at their job.
0:20:09 > 0:20:14I phoned 999 the other day, that is the emergency number, right?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17All they got to do is pick up. I was waiting 15 minutes.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21I can't believe that man, when I finally got through I was mental.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25I said to the bird, "You are fucking lucky this is an hoax."
0:20:27 > 0:20:34People, enough from me. Now it's time for Say It In An Accent.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Say It In An Accent.
0:20:43 > 0:20:50Yes. This week it's Peter Burrows from Scottyland.
0:20:50 > 0:20:56And, the machine Omelette chose was Derek.
0:20:56 > 0:21:01Omelette, let release them Midweek Accent Balls.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Good luck to everyone at home.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Omelette, it's not the lottery. No-one is playing at home.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13It's just Peter reading out a few words.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Just press the button, I'll buy you an ice-cream.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23First up...
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Roundabout,
0:21:32 > 0:21:35making its first appearance on the show.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Prolapse,
0:21:45 > 0:21:48making its first appearance on the show.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Our third accent ball...
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Professor Plum,
0:21:58 > 0:22:02making its first appearance on the show.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Fourth ball...
0:22:08 > 0:22:10the Kraken.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16And tonight's bonus accent ball...
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Good food.
0:22:30 > 0:22:35So, this week's winning line-up is, in alphabetical order...
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Roundabout...
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Fuck it.
0:22:51 > 0:22:58Peter, it's time to say it in an accent. Good luck.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59Good luck to everyone at home.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05Roundabout.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10APPLAUSE
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Professor Plum.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20APPLAUSE
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Prolapse.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Brilliant.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32The Kraken.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:34 > 0:23:38And your bonus accent ball...
0:23:41 > 0:23:42Good food.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46- Yes! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:48 > 0:23:49AUDIENCE: Oi! Oi! Oi!
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Oi! Oi! Oi!
0:23:57 > 0:24:02Yes! Quality. What a buzz!
0:24:02 > 0:24:04I need some calm down time,
0:24:04 > 0:24:09so I'll hand you over to Hospital Life with Dr Bob.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12Oi! Oi! Oi!
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Well, hello there, viewers,
0:24:23 > 0:24:27and welcome to Hospital Life with me, Dr Bob.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Coming up on today's show.
0:24:32 > 0:24:39I'll be putting the fun back into fungal infections.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43And we'll be dropping in to my General Medical Council
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Serious Misconduct hearing.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Guilty!
0:24:50 > 0:24:53That's all coming up on Hospital Life.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Congratulations, dear.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58It's a baby.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00In a busy hospital such as Royal Oak,
0:25:00 > 0:25:04it's not just the patients that need looking after,
0:25:04 > 0:25:05it's the staff as well.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Oh, dear.
0:25:09 > 0:25:14Sanjeev has been working 84 hours straight,
0:25:14 > 0:25:19and he's so exhausted he just made a basic surgical error.
0:25:19 > 0:25:26Sanjeev was meant to remove a lady's LEFT kidney, but he was so tired,
0:25:26 > 0:25:29instead of removing her LEFT kidney,
0:25:29 > 0:25:32he put his penis in her ear.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Silly, silly Sanjeev!
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Contraception is so important for youngsters,
0:25:41 > 0:25:47so if you're embarrassed about buying condoms, why not withdraw and ejaculate all over her back?
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Absolutely no idea where you're meant to be.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00Welcome to the best part of the show, breaking bad news.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Bad news is never easy to hear,
0:26:04 > 0:26:11but helping people to look at some of the positives can be a real comfort to them.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Hello, there.
0:26:13 > 0:26:18Dr Bob, I'm looking after your husband. Yes. Tell me,
0:26:18 > 0:26:23Mrs Henderson, does your husband have any bad habits at all?
0:26:23 > 0:26:29You know, does he leave the loo seat up, mess in the kitchen, clothes on the floor and the like?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32He can be messy sometimes I suppose.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Ah! Well, you will be delighted to know,
0:26:35 > 0:26:38no more mess - he's dead!
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Good.
0:26:45 > 0:26:50Well, just like her husband, we've come to the end.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53I'll be back next week with an OCD special.
0:26:53 > 0:26:59I'll see you exactly the same time, exactly the same place. Goodbye.
0:27:03 > 0:27:08Yes! That, people, is all we've got time for, oh no.
0:27:08 > 0:27:15Yeah, I've got to go and pick up my little boy from school, he broke up last week.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18There's just one more thing to come.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21It's my nan singing! Come on down, Nan.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Quality.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Thank you for coming, thank you for watching.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Sweetheart, I will see you by the bins.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Yes!
0:27:34 > 0:27:37OK, hello, Nan. You all right? Who are you going to be tonight, Nan?
0:27:37 > 0:27:41- Tonight, Lee, I'm going to be Shaggy.- Wahey!
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Quality! Take it away, Nan.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49# Mr Bombastic
0:27:49 > 0:27:54# She called me Mr Bombastic Tell me fantastic
0:27:54 > 0:27:58# Touch me on me back She say I'm Mr Ro...mantic
0:27:58 > 0:28:00# Tell me fantastic
0:28:00 > 0:28:03# Touch me on me back she say I'm Mr Ro...
0:28:03 > 0:28:06# Smooth, just like silk
0:28:06 > 0:28:09# Soft and cuddly Hug me like a quilt
0:28:09 > 0:28:12# I'm a lyrical lover No take me for no filth
0:28:12 > 0:28:14# With my sexual physique
0:28:14 > 0:28:15# Jah know me well built
0:28:17 > 0:28:21# Oh me, oh my Well you just can't tell
0:28:21 > 0:28:25# I'm just like a turtle crawling out my shell
0:28:25 > 0:28:27# Girl, you captivate my body. #