0:00:01 > 0:00:04You'll be all right on your own tonight, yeah? Yeah!
0:00:08 > 0:00:11Oh. Don't make a mess, Social Services is coming later.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13I want you to make a good impression.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16HIP-HOP MUSIC
0:00:16 > 0:00:21This programme contains strong language.
0:00:36 > 0:00:41Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. Quali-t-t-t-ty!
0:00:41 > 0:00:43APPLAUSE
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Y-e-e-e-e-e-es!
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Spread the love!
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Spread the love! Spread the love with your glasses. Look at that!
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Yes! Yes! Y-e-e-e-es! She's nice! She's nice!
0:00:55 > 0:00:59Hello, geezer! Love that! Love that! Sweetheart, love that hair!
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Hello, gorgeous! You're nice.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Hello, my man, my man, my man, my man.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Spread the love. Spread the love!
0:01:05 > 0:01:10Hello! Hello, geezer! Lovin' it! Sweetheart! My man!
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Y-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-es!
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Welcome to Lee Nelson's Well Good Show.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19I'm Lee Nelson!
0:01:19 > 0:01:23Yes! Coming up on my show tonight,
0:01:23 > 0:01:27He's got a low metabolic rate, but he's my best mate. It's Omelette!
0:01:27 > 0:01:30RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE
0:01:30 > 0:01:33My nan will be singing some grime.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Yes! Hello, Nan.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40And we'll all be laughing at that fella's outfit.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42LAUGHTER
0:01:42 > 0:01:46Yes. It's Lee Nelson's Well Good Show. Quali-t-t-t-ty!
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE - Yes!
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Yes!
0:01:51 > 0:01:56People, I am on such a high! Let me tell you that for nothing.
0:01:56 > 0:02:01I had my little boy's sixth birthday party this afternoon, man!
0:02:01 > 0:02:06So, yeah! I'm still feeling a little bit Coke'd up.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09LAUGHTER
0:02:09 > 0:02:12I am so good with kids, man. Let me tell you that.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15With kids, you've got to use your imagination, innit?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18And that's what I'm well good at - imaginin' stuff.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22This afternoon at the party, none of the kids would be quiet.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26So I used my head. I come out in front of them and I go,
0:02:26 > 0:02:30"Kids, I am a w-i-i-i-i-izard!
0:02:30 > 0:02:34"I'm a wiz-a-a-ard!
0:02:34 > 0:02:39"And unless you shush, I will smash your fuckin' 'eads in!"
0:02:39 > 0:02:41LAUGHTER
0:02:41 > 0:02:45All silence, man. They all thought I was a wizard!
0:02:46 > 0:02:49I had such a good time, man. What a party!
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Spent a fortune on 'em. Lot of it was wasted.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Half of them didn't even know what a strip-o-gram was.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Any dads in the house? Give us a cheer!
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- CHEERING - Loads of you!
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- Is you a dad over here, geez? - I am.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Yeah! Look at him. You don't look like the sort of geezer
0:03:06 > 0:03:09someone would have sex with.
0:03:09 > 0:03:14You've done it, you legend! Look at that. Good for him.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18- How many you got, geez?- Three. - Quality! You keep in touch?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20- Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:03:20 > 0:03:23The thing about being a dad, yeah,
0:03:23 > 0:03:26is you've got to know in your heart you're a good dad.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29It doesn't matter what no-one else tells you.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33I'm the best dad. I don't give a shit what some social worker thinks.
0:03:33 > 0:03:38Yeah. She's an idiot. I've got an idiot social worker, lemme tell you.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43She's tryin' to blame me for my little boy bein' out of control.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Oh, my gosh, how could it be my fault?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47For fuck's sake, I'm hardly ever there!
0:03:47 > 0:03:50LAUGHTER
0:03:50 > 0:03:53APPLAUSE
0:03:55 > 0:03:58That's the thing. Discipline's difficult, innit?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01What d'you do? How d'you sort your kids out?
0:04:01 > 0:04:05- Just be nice to them. - Just be nice to them. Fuck off!
0:04:05 > 0:04:06LAUGHTER
0:04:06 > 0:04:11Oh, my gosh! So, you got experience. A few years under your belt.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15- Yeah.- Give us some parenting advice. What d'you think?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Well...lock 'em in a cupboard.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- Lock 'em in a cupboard? - LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:22I didn't know you were Austrian.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25LAUGHTER
0:04:25 > 0:04:27APPLAUSE
0:04:29 > 0:04:33It is hard, man. We got a naughty step for my little boy,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36which scares the hell out of him. It's on the roof.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Brilliant, innit? Absolutely brilliant.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44And he's six. So he's always asking, "Why? Why? Why? Why?
0:04:44 > 0:04:48"Why, why, why, why, why does the lady come 'round when Mummy's out?
0:04:48 > 0:04:52"Why's the lady in Mummy's bed? Why are you locking me in me room?"
0:04:52 > 0:04:55It's so irritatin'. I'm tryin' to fuck someone.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01You've got to keep it in with the birds, though, don't you?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04You can't just dry up just coz you's a dad, innit?
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Sweetheart, you're the best-lookin' bird I've ever seen...
0:05:08 > 0:05:10..in your category.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Innit? They love that. Yeah.
0:05:13 > 0:05:18If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Yeah. Then I'd come on your tits.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24LAUGHTER
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Now, here's one man who all the kids is lookin' up to.
0:05:28 > 0:05:34Show some love for Premier League footballer, Jason B-e-e-e-ent!
0:05:34 > 0:05:35- APPLAUSE - Yes!
0:05:38 > 0:05:42'Jason Bent is one of the Premier League's brightest talents.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45'And we've been given 110% access to his life.'
0:05:45 > 0:05:48All right, Jason? Slow down, mate.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52'This is 110% Bent.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57'After months of meticulous preparation,
0:05:57 > 0:06:00'Jason's very own soccer school finally opens its doors.
0:06:00 > 0:06:05'BBC's Mark Chapman dropped in to check it out.'
0:06:05 > 0:06:07This is the Jason Bent Soccer School.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10What made you decide to open your own community soccer school?
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Well, I grew up 'round here. All me family are from here.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17I thought I should give something back to the community.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19It's a fuckin' shithole.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23Most of these kids are proper scum.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26All right, boys?
0:06:26 > 0:06:31Press it firmly against the side of ya. Either side'll do.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35And force the air out as quickly as possible.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Well done, Josh. Now, swap sides, everyone.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Good.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50I understand there's also a charity component to the school.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Tell us about that.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54We get kids from the local hospital.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58It's great seeing them play, although they are weak on the ball.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00And off the ball, to be fair.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05Erm, but having them kids here puts things into perspective.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Makes you realise football's not that important.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Then they go back to hospital and you never think about them again.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15OK, everyone understand? Yeah? Good. OK.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Seth, pull me shirt.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24A lot of footballers get stick for earning such high wages.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Do you think that's fair?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Yeah. Footballers do get paid more than the average wage,
0:07:30 > 0:07:34but without footballers, the average wage would be a lot lower.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36So we're actually doing people a favour.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Their lad with the black stripes is dead skilful.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42I want you to kick him out of the fucking game.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50Have you seen any kids at the school and thought, "They're special"?
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Erm,.... yeah. We've got a couple of lads with autism.
0:07:55 > 0:08:00And is there any one person in particular that's caught your eye?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03I'd say I'm the best here.
0:08:04 > 0:08:09There's also a session dedicated to the FA's Respect The Ref Campaign.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12It's nice to see a footballer explaining to the kids
0:08:12 > 0:08:14what a difficult job referees have.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17I've always thought refs must have an impossible job.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21That's the only reason I can think as to why they're so fucking shit.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Piss off!
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Fuck off!
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Well done, but a bit more aggression.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34You're a fucking prick, referee! Yeah?
0:08:34 > 0:08:38OK. Lauren, give it a go, please.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40I've had a great day. I can only imagine
0:08:40 > 0:08:42how much fun the kids must be having.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Y-e-e-es! Come on!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Yeah? Did you see that, kids?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Take that, Chappers!
0:08:51 > 0:08:54'Next week, Jason puts the record straight
0:08:54 > 0:08:57'over constant speculation that he's agreed a move to Barcelona.'
0:08:57 > 0:08:59I've had not contact with Barcelona.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03And I've no desire whatsoever to move to Barcelona.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06And as far as I'm concerned, that's the end of that.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10'That's all on 110% Bent.'
0:09:10 > 0:09:13APPLAUSE
0:09:16 > 0:09:20So, who we got in the house tonight? I'm a Londoner.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Any Londoners in the house? Make some noise!
0:09:22 > 0:09:24- CHEERING - Yeah!
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- Where abouts in London are you from? - Lewisham.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31South London. Proper... scum!
0:09:31 > 0:09:34We got any east Londoners in the house?
0:09:34 > 0:09:38- CHEERING - Check it out. Where abouts?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40- Hackney. - Quality, man!
0:09:40 > 0:09:44You's is gettin' the Olympics, innit? You up for that?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Cos I'm thinkin' it's a little bit of a waste of money.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49No. Who is reckonin' that?
0:09:49 > 0:09:53They're sayin' it's 10-billion quid. 10-billion quid!
0:09:53 > 0:09:57They're sayin' it'll be the best two weeks London's ever seen.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01I dunno about you, but if I'm spendin' 10-billion quid
0:10:01 > 0:10:03on the best two weeks in London,
0:10:03 > 0:10:05that would not include badminton.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08LAUGHTER
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- Have we got any Northerners in the house?- Yeah!
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Yeah! Loads of Northerners. Where's the Northerner? Brilliant!
0:10:15 > 0:10:18They're so friendly, Northerners. "Hello, hello, hello, hello".
0:10:18 > 0:10:21It's fucking irritating, actually.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- Where abouts in the North are you from, babe?- Manchester.
0:10:24 > 0:10:29Welcome, sweets. I like Manchester, but it's a little bit backward.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31In Manchester, they have a gay village.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Now, you have got to let them live where they like these days.
0:10:36 > 0:10:41We encourage 'em to go to Brighton, but it's not a law.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42LAUGHTER
0:10:42 > 0:10:46The most amazing thing about Manchester, right,
0:10:46 > 0:10:48all the blokes in Manchester
0:10:48 > 0:10:53call all the younger blokes, "Our kid", cos they can't be sure.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55LAUGHTER
0:10:55 > 0:10:59They speak a little bit different, don't they, the Northern people?
0:10:59 > 0:11:03In the south, we say, like, "Bath". Innit?
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Southerners, "Bath". Innit?
0:11:06 > 0:11:09I'm going to wash myself in the bath. Innit?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Wash myself in the bath. Innit?
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Up north, they say, "Fuck it. Let's just go for a drink".
0:11:15 > 0:11:18LAUGHTER
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Where abouts are you from, sweetheart - Planet Beautiful?
0:11:23 > 0:11:26What language do they speak there?
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Come here, geezer. Write these fucking down. You know what I mean?
0:11:34 > 0:11:38What's your national anthem - God Save Your Gracious Tits?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40LAUGHTER
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Who else have we got? Any Scottie Land people in the house?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- CHEERING - Where abouts?- Motherwell.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49LAUGHTER
0:11:49 > 0:11:54No. We like the Scotties. They got a bit of a different language.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58A few different words here and there. I was in Glasgow.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01In England we call the thing by the side of the road a gutter.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04In Glasgow, they say, "Bed".
0:12:04 > 0:12:06LAUGHTER
0:12:07 > 0:12:10The best restaurant in the world is Scottish.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Mwah! McDonalds.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14LAUGHTER
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Brilliant, innit? Brilliant!
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Cos we do sound a bit different. I couldn't quite hear you.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Say somethin', geez.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24- Motherwell. - LAUGHTER
0:12:24 > 0:12:30When you hear the Scots in long sentences, like, "Huh-ha-huh".
0:12:30 > 0:12:35"Huh-hah-huh-hah-h-u-u-u-uh". Innit?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37In England, we call that a fucking asthma attack.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39LAUGHTER
0:12:39 > 0:12:43- APPLAUSE - Legend.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- Who here reckons London's the best? - CHEERING
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Innit? We got the best of everythin' in London, innit?
0:12:51 > 0:12:55The best transport, you know. Don't laugh at that!
0:12:55 > 0:12:58We have the best rail-replacement bus service in the world.
0:12:59 > 0:13:04Innit? And all the tourists come to London to see our famous stuff,
0:13:04 > 0:13:08like our red public toilets with the telephone in 'em.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10LAUGHTER
0:13:10 > 0:13:13You know who the real boss of London is?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16It ain't the Royal Family, it that's blond Boris geezer.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18What d'you think of blond Boris?
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- CHEERING - Like him. Anyone not like him?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24- FAINT SHOUTS - I don't know what I think of him.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Every time I think of blond Boris, I think, "You've gone fat".
0:13:27 > 0:13:30You know what I mean? He's like...!
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Isn't he? How thin was he when he won Wimbledon?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36LAUGHTER
0:13:37 > 0:13:42Welcome everyone, man. I think we get the best foreigners over here.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44We get the top doctors from India,
0:13:44 > 0:13:47the best nurses from the Philippines.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51Nigeria sends us the cream of their traffic wardens.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- LAUGHTER - Brilliant, aren't they?
0:13:54 > 0:13:57I got clamped dogging once.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02I love foreigners cos they all got their different special skills.
0:14:02 > 0:14:08People, is you up for puttin' them special foreign skills to the test?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- CHEERING - Yes.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Let's play 20 Second Foreign Challenge!
0:14:14 > 0:14:16- CHEERING - Yes!
0:14:18 > 0:14:22# 20 Second Foreign Challenge. #
0:14:22 > 0:14:24I'm going to put the foreign skills
0:14:24 > 0:14:27of my favourite countries to the test.
0:14:27 > 0:14:32Each country has just 20 seconds to complete their skill
0:14:32 > 0:14:37for a chance to win one of these Well Good foreign medals.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Y-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-es!
0:14:40 > 0:14:43OK. Let the games begin!
0:14:43 > 0:14:45APPLAUSE
0:14:45 > 0:14:48FANFARE
0:14:49 > 0:14:51- Pathetic. - LAUGHTER
0:14:51 > 0:14:56OK. First up, everyone loves 'em. They're cracking fun.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58So go mental for the Chinese!
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- APPLAUSE - Yes!
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Y-e-e-e-es!
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Hello, man. Hello.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08CHEERING
0:15:11 > 0:15:16OK, my friends, is you ready to test
0:15:16 > 0:15:19your special foreign skill?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21THEY SPEAK CHINESE
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- LAUGHTER - I'm going to take that as a yes.
0:15:24 > 0:15:31OK. I am going to give you, my man, a sentence. OK?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33And in 20 seconds,
0:15:33 > 0:15:37you have got to Chinese-whisper it...
0:15:37 > 0:15:39LAUGHTER
0:15:39 > 0:15:44..all the way through to him at the end.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Here's the phrase they've got to Chinese-whisper.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50LAUGHTER
0:15:55 > 0:15:58LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:16:00 > 0:16:02APPLAUSE
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Good luck.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10ALL: Three, two, one.
0:16:10 > 0:16:1320 Second Foreign Challenge!
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Ssh-ssh-ssh-ssh-ssh!
0:16:18 > 0:16:20The focus is massive.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22That is what makes them so good.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26She's turning, she's using two hands. This is incredible.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30They're running out of time. They've got to go quick.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33ALL: Five, four, three, two, one.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35BUZZER!
0:16:38 > 0:16:39APPLAUSE
0:16:39 > 0:16:43- My man,... - LAUGHTER
0:16:43 > 0:16:45..what is it that I said?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Oh my days, I've got itchy balls.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- Yes! - RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE
0:16:56 > 0:17:00Absolutely brilliant, man! Look at that!
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Yes! You is a Well Good Foreigner!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05- Quality! - APPLAUSE
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Good man! Brilliant! Brilliant!
0:17:10 > 0:17:14- Come on, show 'em some love! - RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Quality!
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Who here likes Italy?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21CHEERING
0:17:21 > 0:17:26Yes, course we do! Italian food's the best in the world! Mwah!
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Pot Noodle!
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- LAUGHTER - Bring out the Italia-a-a-ns!
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Yes! Legend!
0:17:38 > 0:17:42Welcome, geez. Do all the Italian blokes look like you?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- Sorta like... Birds? - LAUGHTER
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Look at him! He's good, he's good, he's good. I like Italy.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53I think yous have the best national anthem in the world, innit?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55# Go Compare!
0:17:55 > 0:18:01- # Go Compare! - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:02 > 0:18:07My friend, is you ready to test your special foreign skill?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Cierto, si.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12I'm gonna take that as a yes.
0:18:13 > 0:18:19My man, you have 20 seconds to pull a bird in the audi-e-e-e-nce!
0:18:19 > 0:18:21SHRIEKING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:24 > 0:18:28Using your Italian charm, thank you, Omelette, and these.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29LAUGHTER
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Stay the fuck away from them two, yeah?
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Good luck, my man. Here we go. Three! Two! One!
0:18:37 > 0:18:41- 20 Second Foreign Challenge! - BUZZER
0:18:42 > 0:18:44- OPERA MUSIC - He's gone for it! He's gone for it!
0:18:44 > 0:18:51Here he is! He's walked past the blokes. I wasn't sure at first.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54He's gone for it! He's moved in for the blonde.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- Can I hold your hand? Can I? - Look at his techniques.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58Snog! Snog! Snog!
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- Can I give you a kiss? - Snog! Snog! Snog!
0:19:01 > 0:19:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:03 > 0:19:05BUZZER
0:19:06 > 0:19:11Look at that, my man. Look at that! All right, wasn't it?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Not bad. Just a little kiss on the lips.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16My man, you do it English stylee. Gimme these, geez.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- Fuck these, it's not a funeral. - LAUGHTER
0:19:19 > 0:19:22And then you've just gotta force yourself on her.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25SHRIEKING, LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:25 > 0:19:28OK? That's how to do it. Yeah? Don't give 'em no choice.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32- Let's give it up for the Italian! - APPLAUSE
0:19:33 > 0:19:38Yes! That was nice, innit? Good man, innit. Good man.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Right. Who here likes the Japanese?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Bring out the Japanese fella!
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Song: 'Kung Fu Fighting' by Carl Douglas and Vivian Hawke
0:19:51 > 0:19:53APPLAUSE
0:19:54 > 0:19:56- Did he just try and nut me? - LAUGHTER
0:19:57 > 0:20:00I'm only joking, geez. Hitachi.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- LAUGHTER - OK. Welcome, my man.
0:20:03 > 0:20:08Are you ready to test your special foreign skill?
0:20:08 > 0:20:09SPEAKS JAPANESE
0:20:10 > 0:20:13I'm going to gamble and take that as a yes.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17You have 20 seconds...
0:20:18 > 0:20:22..to take ten photos.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Of our audience. Yes?
0:20:29 > 0:20:34Thank you, Omelette. You not harpoon Omelette. He's not a whale.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36LAUGHTER
0:20:40 > 0:20:46Here we go. To help him, let's all strike the Japanese photo pose.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48LAUGHTER
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Everyone! That's it. Now he's comfortable.
0:20:50 > 0:20:55How'd you turn that on? We never even gave him a manual or nothing.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- LAUGHTER - Good luck.
0:20:58 > 0:21:03Three! Two! One! 20 Second Foreign Challenge!
0:21:07 > 0:21:08Here we go, here we go!
0:21:08 > 0:21:11There's one! Oh no!
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Everyone keep the pose! Two! Three!
0:21:17 > 0:21:18Four!
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Oh no! Five.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23AUDIENCE: Three! Two! One!
0:21:24 > 0:21:26BUZZER
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Oh my gosh! OK, geez. OK!
0:21:29 > 0:21:34Look at that! Oh no! I thought you was never going to stop, my man.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38- It was like on of your Toyotas. - LAUGHTER
0:21:40 > 0:21:42This is not Japanese camera.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- Not a Japanese camera? - No! It is not Japanese camera.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48You would have caned that had you done that.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51My man, unlucky. He's a legend, though.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Let's give it up for our Japanese ma-a-n!
0:21:53 > 0:21:55APPLAUSE
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Off you go.
0:22:02 > 0:22:07OK, people. Let's show 'em how to do it. It's an Englishman!
0:22:07 > 0:22:09APPLAUSE
0:22:10 > 0:22:14My man! Look at that! Look at that!
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Proper, proper Englishman.
0:22:16 > 0:22:21- Built like a...fat fucker! - LAUGHTER
0:22:22 > 0:22:26Now, is you ready to test your special skill?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- Fucking bring it on! - Yes!
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- That's a proper yes, innit? - LAUGHTER
0:22:33 > 0:22:39OK. My man. You has 20 seconds to down six pints!
0:22:39 > 0:22:42LAUGHTER AND SHRIEKING
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Look at that.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48OK. Here we go. Good luck.
0:22:48 > 0:22:53Three! Two! One! 20 Second Foreign Challenge!
0:22:53 > 0:22:56He's gone for it! He's gone for it!
0:22:56 > 0:23:00Let's help him out and sing the national anthem of England!
0:23:00 > 0:23:04# En-ger-land, En-ger-land, En-ger-la-a-nd.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08# En-ger-land, En-ger-land, En-ger-la-and.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11# En-ger-land, En-ger-land, En-ger-land.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- APPLAUSE - A-a-ah!
0:23:13 > 0:23:16BUZZER
0:23:17 > 0:23:19No! You failed!
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Like a good English person!
0:23:21 > 0:23:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Never mind, man. We love a loser in this country. Don't we? Innit?
0:23:28 > 0:23:30LAUGHER
0:23:30 > 0:23:34Have a medal anyway. What the hell, we'll give him one. Innit, geez?
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Yes, come here. Yes, legend!
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Let's give it up for our English hero!
0:23:39 > 0:23:41SHRIEKING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:47 > 0:23:51If you love foreigners, you is gonna piss yourself at this fella.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Go proper nuts for Dr Bob and Hospital Live!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Well, hello there, viewers.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13Welcome to Hospital Life with me, Dr Bob.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18Coming up on today's show.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20We'll be putting alternative medicines to the test.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Is that better?
0:24:25 > 0:24:30And after 11 embarrassing years, we finally rename the Children's Ward.
0:24:31 > 0:24:36Gives me great pleasure to open the Glitter Ward!
0:24:36 > 0:24:38LAUGHTER
0:24:40 > 0:24:44That's all coming up on Hospital Life.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49That's all clear from me, there.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55One of the most difficult things for a patient to understand
0:24:55 > 0:24:57is that some treatments, whilst helping,
0:24:57 > 0:25:00can carry some ghastly side-effects.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Now, this really is by far the best treatment option.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Although as discussed, your hair will fall out,
0:25:07 > 0:25:10your skin will blister, you'll develop mouth ulcers,
0:25:10 > 0:25:17severe diarrhoea, impotence and a 90% chance of blindness.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Whoop.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22I'll check up on you in a little while, Mr Connor.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25My name's Carlisle.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Not Connor.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31Hah! I'm in the wrong room.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Not to worry!
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Erm, well done. LAUGHTER
0:25:41 > 0:25:46If you're elderly and living alone, perhaps you should consider
0:25:46 > 0:25:48killing yourself.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50LAUGHTER
0:25:52 > 0:25:57Welcome to our most popular part of the show. Breaking bad news.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02When breaking bad news, I find using humour can really help
0:26:02 > 0:26:04a patient come to terms with things.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Let's give it a whirl, shall we?
0:26:08 > 0:26:13Hello, Mrs Daniels! How are you doing today, dear?
0:26:13 > 0:26:17- All right. Just a bit nervous about- - Good!
0:26:18 > 0:26:23Mrs Daniels. Why did the chicken cross the road?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26To get to the other side?
0:26:26 > 0:26:30No. To pick up your medication. You've got MRSA!
0:26:30 > 0:26:31LAUGHTER
0:26:33 > 0:26:34Good chicken!
0:26:35 > 0:26:39Well, unfortunately, that's all we've got time for.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Not to worry, just like Mrs Daniels,
0:26:42 > 0:26:47I'll still be here next week with an insomniac special.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Until then, night night.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51APPLAUSE
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Oh my gosh!
0:26:58 > 0:27:03That, people, is all we've got time for! Oh no!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05AUDIENCE: A-ahh!
0:27:05 > 0:27:07I'd better get back to my little boy.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09He's being looked after by Bob and Dave.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12I ain't worried or nothing, they're well friendly dogs.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14LAUGHTER
0:27:14 > 0:27:19There's just one thing to come. My nan singing some grime! Yes!
0:27:19 > 0:27:21- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Come on, my nan!
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Thank you for coming! Thank you for watching!
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Sweetheart. I will see you in the car park.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Yes, innit? Hello, Nan! You all right?
0:27:33 > 0:27:37- Who you gonna be tonight, Nan? - Tonight, Lee, I'm going to be Wiley.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Oh! Quality-y!
0:27:40 > 0:27:41CHEERING
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Take it away, Nan!
0:27:46 > 0:27:49# Usually drink, usually dance, usually babble
0:27:53 > 0:27:56# That's when I start promising the world, brand new girl
0:27:56 > 0:27:59# I don't know yet next things she's wearing my Rolex
0:28:00 > 0:28:03# Usually drink, usually dance, usually babble
0:28:04 > 0:28:07# Usually drink, usually dance, usually babble
0:28:09 > 0:28:12# Usually drink, usually dance, usually babble
0:28:14 > 0:28:17# That's when I start promising the world brand new girl
0:28:17 > 0:28:20# I don't know yet next things she's wearing my Rolex
0:28:22 > 0:28:24# Too much shanks don't know where my phone is... #
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.