0:00:02 > 0:00:05- I'm off to do my telly show, you going to be all right on your own?- Yeah.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08Yeah.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14Oh, and make sure you brush your teeth before the baby sitter gets here.
0:00:14 > 0:00:19She is well lush and your breath stinks. Later.
0:00:19 > 0:00:25This programme contains strong language
0:00:25 > 0:00:29Contains adult humour
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Lee Nelson's Well Good Show, quality-ee.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49APPLAUSE
0:00:53 > 0:01:00Ye-e-e-e-s, hello, hello, hello, hello, you're nice.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Innit? Yes.
0:01:02 > 0:01:07Hello, sweetie pie, sort your hat out, hello, babes, spread the love up here.
0:01:07 > 0:01:12Glasses, love it, loving it, loving it.
0:01:12 > 0:01:19The older generation's in, yes. Innit, innit, innit, geezer, yeah...
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Welcome to Lee Nelson's Well Good Show.
0:01:22 > 0:01:29I'm Lee Nelson. Joining me on my show tonight,
0:01:29 > 0:01:33he's shaped like a ball and we've been mates since school...
0:01:33 > 0:01:37it's my best mate Omelette.
0:01:39 > 0:01:45Yeah, my nan is going to be attempting to sing some Bhangra.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46CHEERING
0:01:46 > 0:01:51Hello, Nan. And I'll be wondering how that bloke over there...
0:01:53 > 0:01:55..managed to get with her.
0:01:55 > 0:02:00It's Lee Nelson's Well, Good show, qualit-ee.
0:02:04 > 0:02:10Oh, I am in the mood of my life, I was just having myself a threesome.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12CHEERING
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Yeah, I done it with my bird and her best mate...
0:02:16 > 0:02:18..Clive.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Still counts, don't it, Clive?
0:02:25 > 0:02:31No, me and Amber experiment all the time, you know, we done role play the other day, that was mental.
0:02:31 > 0:02:38She pretended she was my boss at work, I took it too seriously and I never turned up.
0:02:38 > 0:02:44You got to try things all the time, innit, that's the way things go, you know,
0:02:44 > 0:02:51Who you with her, geez over here, that's proper, proper, this man, you must be fucking loaded.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Innit, how long you been with her, geez?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- A couple of years.- Good for you.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57What about you, how long you been with him?
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Yeah, it's quite a lot less, innit.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Where did you meet her?
0:03:04 > 0:03:10- In Honduras.- In Honduras, I can see where you're coming from, I'd fuck her for a passport.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Only for you, sweetie pie.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19What about you, geez, how long you been by yourself?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- No, I'm with someone else. - You're with someone else?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- Yeah, yeah.- You legend, innit.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Fucking liar.
0:03:30 > 0:03:35You got to keep things fresh, do you know what I mean, try new stuff out.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Amber got a Brazilian done recently, yes,
0:03:39 > 0:03:43she used to have an Australian, you know, just bush.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Oi, Omelette, you done anything to spice up your love life?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Yeah, I got vajazzled.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54What about, let's go older generation couple, sweetie, girls over here.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Is you still sort of like, things, things happening any more
0:03:58 > 0:04:03down there, innit, you got your hands down there I'm thinking you're having a cheeky little rub.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Give us a kiss...
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Give us a kiss?! You dirty girl, we ain't even been on a date.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Right you're nice, baby, you're nice.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Is it, you still got the needs and all that?
0:04:16 > 0:04:21She has, innit, filthy, filthy cow. Come here.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Get off my cock!
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Have we got single people in, we got single lads, single lads over here.
0:04:43 > 0:04:48I'm going to go to you, my man, look at his... You're still wearing your fucking pyjamas.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52- And, well, when was the last bird you had? - A little while, a couple of months.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56- A couple of months, how did it end? - Had enough of me.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00- Oh, that's, that's...- Oh.- Innit, what happened, what did she say?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- Dunno, the usual.- The usual.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- "It's not you, it's me." - It's not you, it's me.- Yeah.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07But it was you though, wasn't it?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14You know what you should do, fella, get a dog.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Yeah, no, dogs is the best for pulling girls.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22I got myself a dog and I'm always out with him like, keeping an eye out for girls.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25I saw a nice girl the other day, she was walking her dog, I was walking mine,
0:05:25 > 0:05:31just go up to her. Right, you all right, sweetie pie, oh, my gosh, your dogs are nice.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Oh, my gosh, my dog and your dog is getting on so well together.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Oh, my gosh, our dogs is playing together.
0:05:37 > 0:05:42Oh, my gosh, my dogs and your dogs is like best mates.
0:05:42 > 0:05:47Oh, my gosh my... my dog's just killed your dog.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51She was gutted, I was trying to make her feel better, at the back
0:05:51 > 0:05:56of my mind I'm thinking it's only a fucking Labrador, innit,
0:05:56 > 0:06:00with one of them stupid florescent jackets on.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15All right, single girls, who's single girls, any single girls?
0:06:15 > 0:06:20Is you a single girl, sweetie pie, over there, yeah, yous is, how long's it been, babe?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- About three months. - And how did it break up and that?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- We just grew apart, I think. - You just grew apart...- Yeah.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29What are you, trees?!
0:06:29 > 0:06:35Sweetheart, it is your lucky night cos I am going to guarantee
0:06:35 > 0:06:39to get you a date cos you are about to play Single And Gagging For It.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Single And Gagging For It.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:53 > 0:06:57Anna, welcome to your bedroom.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01- Oh, thank you. - Now I've signed you up to Lee Nelson's Well Good Dating Site,
0:07:01 > 0:07:07typed in a profile for you and filed you under "desperate".
0:07:07 > 0:07:13There's now five people online who are well up for meeting you.
0:07:13 > 0:07:20Yous has three questions to decide which person you'd like to meet.
0:07:20 > 0:07:26- OK.- But remember in the world of online dating,
0:07:26 > 0:07:28not all is at it seems.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- Oh.- Let's play, Single And Gagging For It.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Anna, please type your first question.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45All right, and read it out please.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- How would you describe yourself? - That's a good question.
0:07:48 > 0:07:55Well, while we're waiting for the responses, how would you describe your ideal man?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- Um.- Single bed, innit.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03I bet you got other stuff, innit.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07Right.
0:08:14 > 0:08:20Are you using 'em all at once, what is going on here?! Oh, for fuck's sake, that is unacceptable, innit.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28COMPUTER BEEPS
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Right, lucky escape.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31Yous got your first reply.
0:08:31 > 0:08:37Someone who calls themselves, Stunner 81 and he says,
0:08:37 > 0:08:42"If you looked up sexy in the dictionary you'd see a picture of me."
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Oh, it sounds all right, don't it?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49He goes on to say I've attached a photo, let's have a look. Oooh.
0:08:49 > 0:08:56Suddenly you're liking these games, aren't you?
0:08:58 > 0:09:02We's got, Barry_Newton who says,
0:09:02 > 0:09:07"I'm gentle, kind and enjoy being looked after."
0:09:08 > 0:09:15Er, he also says a lot of people online lie about what they look like so he's also attached a photo.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20APPLAUSE
0:09:23 > 0:09:30OK we've got another response, In2Girls has written, "I'm very manly,
0:09:30 > 0:09:36"I always take care of the girl I'm with but I've got a nice feminine side too."
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Well, I've got a soft side, babe?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- Yeah.- And a hard one.
0:09:42 > 0:09:48Up4it it says, "I'm young looking and fresh faced, I've only got
0:09:48 > 0:09:52"a slight build but I do have a full head of hair. Smiley face."
0:09:54 > 0:09:58That's always a bit suspicious when someone mentions they got a full head of hair.
0:09:58 > 0:10:05Has he got hair? Is it his hair? Has he done a Rooney and visited a load of hookers?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10We's got our last person who's online.
0:10:10 > 0:10:15Big Boy, "I like a laugh and I'm up for anything."
0:10:15 > 0:10:20That sounds all right, don't it? Yeah.
0:10:20 > 0:10:25"I've attached a photo but to be honest I'm not nearly as good looking in real life."
0:10:26 > 0:10:28LAUGHTER
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Omelette, what is you doing in the internet cafe?
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Sorry I was just doing my daily food shop.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Well, out, mate. Out.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47AUDIENCE: Aww!
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Come on, he's got loads of food over there.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58OK, please type in your second question.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Where would you take me on a date?
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Oh, that's nice question, while we're waiting for the answers,
0:11:06 > 0:11:08what would be your ideal date, sweetie pie?
0:11:08 > 0:11:12Are you a first-night girl or would you wait until the early hours of the next morning?
0:11:15 > 0:11:19All right, OK, we've got our first response, it's Stunner 81.
0:11:19 > 0:11:26"Wherever we go there'll be no need to buy drinks cos I got my own six pack."
0:11:26 > 0:11:30I think he sounds like a bit of a dick.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Now you've got rid of Omelette and that would have been free drinks for life, he's got a barrel.
0:11:36 > 0:11:44OK, Barry_Newton says "Come to my home and let's do what I do every night,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47"stay in and take a few pills."
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Legend, innit. "Yeah, and don't worry cos at my home
0:11:51 > 0:11:54"no matter how ill you feel in the morning you'll get looked after."
0:12:01 > 0:12:07Nutter. In2girls has written, "I'd invite you over to mine
0:12:07 > 0:12:12"where we'd have an expensive bottle of wine and a romantic fish supper."
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Nice. What we got next?
0:12:21 > 0:12:25Up4it, "Let's just hang out in my room together,
0:12:25 > 0:12:29"I've got some toys which I think you'll love to play with
0:12:29 > 0:12:33"and I'll let you hold my pet snake."
0:12:33 > 0:12:38Your final question, what's it to be, type away.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47You can't just go straight in with that, all right.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50No-one is going to be able to compete with that fucker.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Let alone the springiness. That's...
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Type another question, babe.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Where do you see yourself in five years' time?
0:13:06 > 0:13:12Hm, that's quite a sensible question. All right, we's got our first answer from Stunner 81.
0:13:15 > 0:13:22Harry_Newton says, "I don't like to think that far ahead, it frightens me."
0:13:25 > 0:13:29In2girls, hopefully with you.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31- AUDIENCE: Aww!- That's nice.
0:13:31 > 0:13:37"But if you're one of those girls that dates dicks, it's not going to work out."
0:13:39 > 0:13:44OK, Up4it says, super hard question, LOL.
0:13:46 > 0:13:51That is it, what is you thinking, audience, help her out.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53INDISTINCT SHOUTING
0:13:53 > 0:13:57All right, thank you, people.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Who you going to go for?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Up4it.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Up4it.
0:14:05 > 0:14:13You, sweetheart, has gone for Up4it. Sweetie pie, stand up, stay there,
0:14:13 > 0:14:16let's see who you have turned down.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20In2girls, please make your way down here.
0:14:31 > 0:14:36Let's give it up for In2girls.
0:14:38 > 0:14:43Show some love for Barry_Newton.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Let's show some love.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04If you would have gone for him you could have got him
0:15:04 > 0:15:07to shag you right hard and got all his inheritance.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Here's who you turned down, let's see Stunner 81.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Oh, my gosh, you legend, innit, your six pack, is that true? Let's see.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31Oooh. Tiny dick though.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Come here, you legend, can I use your photo?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36- Yeah.- Brilliant, show us some love for Stunner 81.
0:15:42 > 0:15:47Here's who you's going to meet, let's show some love for Up4it.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Come round here. Look at that, yes.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06He's come in his pants.
0:16:06 > 0:16:12Sweetie pie, have a very good time with him, all right, don't spend too long, he's got to be home by ten.
0:16:12 > 0:16:17Now, while these two get to know each, it's time for Jason Bent.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25Jason Bent is one of the Premier League's brightest talents
0:16:25 > 0:16:29and we've been given 110% access to his life.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36This is, 110% Bent.
0:16:39 > 0:16:46With the festive season approaching, Jason's spending the afternoon at the local children's hospital.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Get better soon.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Our cameras were there to witness it all.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54All right, Mum and Dad, how you doing, nice to meet you.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56- This is Jessica.- Just going to...
0:17:03 > 0:17:04Here we go...
0:17:04 > 0:17:08People don't realise just how much charity work footballers do. There we go.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Um, yeah, sure I could be doing
0:17:11 > 0:17:17better things with me time but if I can cure just one kid of cancer it'll be worth wasting me afternoon for.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- So what's wrong with your lad? - He's got a hole in his heart.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Yeah, I'm so sorry to hear that.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34I know what you're going through though, I've got a niggly hamstring.
0:17:34 > 0:17:41Yeah, so nice to be able to bring a great big smile to these kids' pale, thin faces.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44And one of the ways I like to improve their shit lives is, is to get them
0:17:44 > 0:17:46involved in a little Christmas sing-along. They love it.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50# Who the fuck are Man United?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53# Who the fuck are Man United?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56# You're going home in a Liverpool ambulance... #
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Well, I think about the fact that I'm an extremely well paid
0:18:01 > 0:18:07premier league footballer and I'm visiting these poor sick bastards.
0:18:07 > 0:18:12Makes me realise just how lucky they are that I come here.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16What's the best thing about being a footballer?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21You get to pretty much fuck anything, it's great.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28The staff here do an incredible job.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Um, I know people have a pop at footballers saying
0:18:31 > 0:18:37we're overpaid compared to nurses, well, now I know why, just had a kick around with them and they are shit.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43- Happy Christmas, Harry.- Hello.- Nice to meet you, Ed, who do you support?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Chelsea. - Oh, yeah, whereabouts you from?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Nottingham.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50You Tory-supporting little prick!
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Have you ever been to a game?
0:18:52 > 0:18:54No, but I always watch them on the telly.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Not the same, fuck off, end of.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Cheers for having me, let's have a round of applause for the nurses.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Coming to the hospital at this time of year really puts things into perspective.
0:19:12 > 0:19:17I mean, these kids are going to be spending Christmas in here with their families
0:19:17 > 0:19:22whereas I've got two away games over Christmas so I don't get to see me family at all.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24The lucky little bastards.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Yes.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40Oh, people it's been, it's been quite a tough few weeks
0:19:40 > 0:19:45for me actually, um, my, my granddad passed away, so...
0:19:45 > 0:19:47AUDIENCE: Aww!
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Yeah, he was driving on the motorway
0:19:50 > 0:19:55and he had a stroke and he was paralysed, he couldn't move a single muscle
0:19:55 > 0:19:57and hit a motorway flyover.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01So, like it sounds instant, don't it,
0:20:01 > 0:20:06but he was 72, was driving at 20 mile an hour and he just
0:20:06 > 0:20:09saw that flyover coming towards him for 11 minutes.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Yeah, we all had time to bail out.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23My uncle even went back for his jacket.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28I mean, we all knew he weren't 100% healthy,
0:20:28 > 0:20:31he'd collapsed a couple of months ago which was frightening for everyone.
0:20:31 > 0:20:38Me and him was out shopping together and all of a sudden like he turns round to me, all pale and sweaty,
0:20:38 > 0:20:45he's says, "Le-e-e-e-e. Le-e-e-e-e!"
0:20:45 > 0:20:53And he looked right into me eyes and just before he collapsed he says to me, "Lee, I..
0:20:56 > 0:21:00"can't...give you..
0:21:00 > 0:21:02"a piggyback no more."
0:21:10 > 0:21:15Well, you know one of the hardest things about losing someone is you got to split their stuff up.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19And I went to my granddad's house with my brother and I was respectful
0:21:19 > 0:21:24all right, I took the TV, I took the DVD, I leave it there and I'm going to look after them.
0:21:24 > 0:21:32My brother, I think he took the piss, all right, my brother took every single bit of furniture
0:21:32 > 0:21:39in the house, he took the cutlery, the crockery, the fridge, the freezer,
0:21:39 > 0:21:44the door handles, the light bulbs,
0:21:44 > 0:21:50he took the carpets, he even took the fucking curtains...
0:21:50 > 0:21:54Fuck's sake, man, my nan still lives there!
0:22:02 > 0:22:07People it's that time again, it's Life Begins With Dr Bob.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Every second...
0:22:13 > 0:22:17of every minute...of every day..
0:22:17 > 0:22:20a new baby is born.
0:22:20 > 0:22:25Screaming is not going to make things better. Good!
0:22:25 > 0:22:30We put cameras into the wards of one of the busiest maternity hospitals in the country.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Show me the baby!
0:22:33 > 0:22:38Following Dr Bob and his team of midwifes.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42I've lost my pen. It's a baby!
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Life Begins With Dr Bob.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Is this your first child?
0:22:55 > 0:22:57- Yeah.- Oh, really.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01- You sound surprised?- No, no,
0:23:01 > 0:23:03it's just your wife has
0:23:03 > 0:23:05a colossal vagina.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15So unfortunately, dear, things are progressing so slowly
0:23:15 > 0:23:19that we really do have to move to a Caesarean section.
0:23:19 > 0:23:25I just need you to sign the paperwork, if you could sign here,
0:23:25 > 0:23:31here and here, if you could just sign here,
0:23:31 > 0:23:33that's a leaving card for one of the midwives...
0:23:33 > 0:23:38this is my little boy's birthday card and, er, write something nice.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42If you could witness my mortgage here.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Moving in March.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Right, let's get this baby out.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Bill please.
0:24:23 > 0:24:28There you go, dear... a beautiful healthy baby girl.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32You're all sown back up nicely.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34But we're having twins.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Ah...shit.
0:24:42 > 0:24:49Let's see what's going on down here, if I'm not back within the hour, call the Chilean Embassy.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Hello, mate, do you know what it's time for?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Oh, not this week, please.
0:25:05 > 0:25:10Yes, this week it's time for your peer-pressure challenge.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Omelette's Peer-Pressure Challenge!
0:25:20 > 0:25:24Omelette, on this wheel is three things and at the end of the show
0:25:24 > 0:25:26yous has to do one of them.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Do you fancy...
0:25:28 > 0:25:31eating a pack of fags.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35No, not really.
0:25:35 > 0:25:40Is you up for dressing as a baby
0:25:40 > 0:25:44and bouncing up and down in a giant baby bouncer.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46No, thanks.
0:25:46 > 0:25:52How's about having a knife thrower chuck some knives at you?
0:25:56 > 0:25:59No, definitely not.
0:25:59 > 0:26:04Well, you is going to have to do one of them, my mate, cos it's Omelette's Peer-Pressure Challenge,
0:26:04 > 0:26:09Spin that wheel.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Yes.
0:26:19 > 0:26:27Omelette, are you going to dress up as a baby and bounce up and down in a giant baby bouncer?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29No, I'm absolutely not.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Well, we will see about that.
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Let's pressure him...
0:26:32 > 0:26:35AUDIENCE: Do it, do it...
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Omelette, is you going to do it now?
0:26:44 > 0:26:46- Yeah, all right.- Yes.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53We've peer pressured him into it.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Off you go and get into your nappy.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57Quality.
0:26:57 > 0:27:03Right, that people, is all we've got time for. Oh, no!
0:27:03 > 0:27:07But before we go, it's time to reveal this week's audience bell-end.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24LAUGHTER
0:27:31 > 0:27:35Oh, yes. Massive bell end.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39People there's just one more thing to come.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41It's my nan singing.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Come on down, nan, thank you for watching.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48Thank yous for coming.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Hello, Nan, who is you going to be for us tonight?
0:27:51 > 0:27:56Tonight, Lee, I'm going to be Panjabi MC.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Take it away, Nan.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Me and Clive!
0:28:05 > 0:28:07SHE SINGS
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Sweetie pie!
0:28:43 > 0:28:45Give it some dancing legend.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48Yes.