0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:26 > 0:00:28My name is Warwick Davis.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31I'm the UK's go-to dwarf.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37I'm an actor. You will have seen me in the Harry Potter films,
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy,
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Return of the Jedi.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42Yup-yup!
0:00:42 > 0:00:45That's Wicket the Ewok, my first ever character.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47I'm still very good friends with George Lucas,
0:00:47 > 0:00:49who created the Star Wars films,
0:00:49 > 0:00:53though if I've got one criticism of George, he missed a trick.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Why did he disguise my face?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58If you're paying good money for the actor Warwick Davis,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01then let the people see the actor Warwick Davis.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03George realised the error of his ways
0:01:03 > 0:01:06because he went on to cast me in Willow there.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08That film cost, I think it's 40 million,
0:01:08 > 0:01:13and has...has made a lot of that back, since.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20PHONE RINGS
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Hello? Dwarves For Hire. Warwick Davis speaking.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25'I am not only an actor.'
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Yep. Just get a booking form.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28'I'm also an agent.'
0:01:28 > 0:01:29I represent other dwarves.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32You know, I've had huge success,
0:01:32 > 0:01:36and this is my chance to pay that forward and help them get work.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39The director's furious. He wants to fire you.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43- Not my fault I don't know the song. - You're a dwarf, how can you not know "Hi-Ho"?
0:01:43 > 0:01:47- Something about whistling?- Whistle While You Work?- Never heard it.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49- How is this possible?- I don't know.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50That's one of my clients there.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54So if you need anybody, I've got all sorts.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Got that sort of look.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58That one. One that looks like that.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Someone who looks like that,
0:02:00 > 0:02:02you know, with a hat on. Some with long hair.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04All sorts of different ones.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06I mean, they're all about that high,
0:02:06 > 0:02:09but they've sort of got different...
0:02:09 > 0:02:12fat, thin, you know, whatever you want,
0:02:12 > 0:02:13I can provide.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Why am I doing this documentary?
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Because normally you see a dwarf on TV,
0:02:27 > 0:02:30and he's dancing around, making a fool of himself.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33I want people to see a sophisticated dwarf about town
0:02:33 > 0:02:35who carries himself with dignity.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38I'm a role model.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40I'm a bit like Martin Luther King.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Because I too have a dream
0:02:44 > 0:02:47that one day dwarves will be treated equally,
0:02:47 > 0:02:51and they will walk proud, hand in hand with the rest of mankind.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53You say, "No, Warwick, it's not the same.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56"The dwarf wasn't taken forcibly from his homeland
0:02:56 > 0:02:59"and enslaved and whipped and forced to change his name."
0:02:59 > 0:03:00No, maybe not.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03But then, I've never seen a black man fired from a cannon...
0:03:04 > 0:03:07..every day for a whole season and twice on Saturdays.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12There we go. Come in.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14The old homestead.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Yeah.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Oh. Don't worry, they're not mine!
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Who's this handsome devil?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Nice suit there.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27That's me and my wife Sue on our wedding day.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Sue's looking lovely there.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32The dress she's wearing belonged to her mother.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33Her mother had sadly passed over,
0:03:33 > 0:03:37so it was our way of having her at the wedding, which was nice.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Sue had to lose a lot of weight to get it on.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Not as much as I'd have liked,
0:03:40 > 0:03:43but enough to squeeze into her dead mum's dress.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48This is my kitchen. Cooker, sink, usual.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I was going to get all this lowered
0:03:50 > 0:03:55but Sue enjoys doing the cooking, so I thought I'd leave it. Erm, good.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Here we are, look, this is Chewbacca. Hey, Chewie!
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Good boy, ho-ho!
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Oh, bit camera-shy.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03Oh, here she is.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Sue Davis. Mrs Sue Davis, the old ball and chain.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- Hiya.- Hello.- You all right?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- I'm fine, thank you. - Nice to see you.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- What are you doing here, Warwick? - I just popped round to say hi.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17You know you're not supposed to be here. You moved out.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- We're separated.- No, not really. - Oh, we are.- Temporarily.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22You can't keep running that round.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- You were the one that walked out. - No, not really.- Yes, you did.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28I didn't walk out. I was back and forth to Hollywood so much,
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- it wasn't fair on you.- You weren't back and forth to Hollywood.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- Yes.- No, you weren't. The phone hasn't rung for years.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35But if it started ringing,
0:04:35 > 0:04:38if George Lucas rang and said we're doing another Star Wars
0:04:38 > 0:04:41I had to be ready to go, on a plane, whoosh, here I come!
0:04:41 > 0:04:44If that had happened, I could have come with you.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47No, cos George Lucas isn't stupid, doesn't throw his money around.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50"Why do you need two tickets? You're only three foot six!"
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- Tell you what happened.- Oh, what?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- He thought...- Here we go, what did I think. Mystic Meg here!
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- What he thought was...- Yeah, yeah. - He thought he could do better.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02He thought he could trade me in for a taller, more beautiful model,
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- but he couldn't.- No, I could, I didn't want to.- No, you couldn't.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08I could! Just didn't want to, cos I'm, you know, faithful.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Now he's back with his tail between his legs. It's too late.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12- Doesn't have to be.- It's over.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16- I've moved on. - You haven't bloody moved on. You're still in a house that I own,
0:05:16 > 0:05:18so I might as well move back in.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Know what you need to do, Warwick?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Get your stuff and move out, because we're separated.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25We are getting divorced.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27I don't know what part of that you don't understand.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30All right, calm down. Showing off.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32So.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36'I know you're thinking. "Warwick, why did you marry beneath yourself?" '
0:05:36 > 0:05:37Why would a film star marry her
0:05:37 > 0:05:40when he could have leggy blondes or Page Three girls?
0:05:40 > 0:05:41Didn't want to.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44If I'm walking down the street with a stunner on my arm,
0:05:44 > 0:05:48everyone's going, "Oh, he's got the sexy bird cos he's a film star."
0:05:48 > 0:05:53Right? So I went for a chick who...hasn't got it all out on show.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Yeah, she's not going to be in FHM magazine,
0:05:55 > 0:05:57she's not going to win any Rear of the Year awards
0:05:57 > 0:06:01or turn heads at an awards do, or a showbiz party,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03or in the supermarket, but she's reliable.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04She won't run to the papers,
0:06:04 > 0:06:07"Know what Warwick likes sexually? He likes..."
0:06:07 > 0:06:09It doesn't matter what Warwick likes sexually,
0:06:09 > 0:06:12whatever it is, she won't write about it in her memoirs.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Not that anyone'd ask her for her memoirs,
0:06:15 > 0:06:17cos she's a nobody, as I said before.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Can't reach!
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Oh, excuse me. Sorry, sir, excuse me.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Could you press that top buzzer, please?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52It's the top one there.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53- This one?- Yep.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54BUZZER RINGS
0:06:54 > 0:06:55Thanks.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57'Hello?'
0:06:57 > 0:06:59It's Warwick.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00'Hello?'
0:07:00 > 0:07:02It's Warwick.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03'There's no-one there.'
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Can't hear me!
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Excuse me.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Could you say into that intercom, "It's Warwick Davis."
0:07:11 > 0:07:13- Why?- Because it is.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- No, it's not. - No, you're not, I am. I just...
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Then why am I saying it?
0:07:16 > 0:07:20- Cos when they answer they can't hear me.- Why can't you shout it?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Can't stand in the street shouting, "It's Warwick Davis."
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- Why not?- I'm a famous actor, I've been in films.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27- I never heard of you. - Haven't you?- No.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30If I heard someone shout, "It's Warwick Davis!"
0:07:30 > 0:07:32I'd be like, "Who's Warwick Davis?"
0:07:32 > 0:07:33- I am.- Yeah, I know that now.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35All right, let me tell you this.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38If I start shouting, "It's Warwick Davis", it'll cause quite a stir.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- Right.- There'll be people wanting autographs, so let's...- Bruv,
0:07:41 > 0:07:44I'll get real. Let me break it down for you.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45No-one knows you.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48If you were to say your name was like, Verne Troyer,
0:07:48 > 0:07:52I'd be like, "Boom, Mini-Me, Austin Powers, sex tape."
0:07:52 > 0:07:54- That guy's big in the game, you know.- Oh, yeah.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56You've done none of those things.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I've never seen you bruv. What films you been in?
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Have you seen Return Of The Jedi?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- Who was you in that?- I was an Ewok.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06- Those little bears?- They're not bears.- Bruv, they're little bears.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08- Right. Have you seen Willow?- No.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Look, just press the buzzer, please.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Thank you.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Top one there.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17BUZZER RINGS
0:08:17 > 0:08:18'Hello?'
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Yo. Warren Davis.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- Warwick Davis.- Warwick Davis.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26'Oh... OK...come up.'
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Is that Ricky Gervais?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Oh, you recognise him?
0:08:30 > 0:08:33That's got issues. You're welcome, bruv.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Chief!
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Here we are.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Look at that.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- Comedy legends there, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant.- Hmm.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46We're all mates, aren't we? Always popping round for a chat.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48You are always popping round, yeah.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I thought we made the buzzer high enough, but...
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- I got a passer-by to press it. - Passer-by? Damn!
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- We didn't think of everything. - Hmm.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Yeah, always nice to see you.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Yeah, it is, it's...it's good.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03- What do you need, cos we're a bit conscious of...- Oh, I don't know,
0:09:03 > 0:09:05just...just a chat really.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07- Oh!- OK.- You know, I was...
0:09:07 > 0:09:10'You've got to be resilient in this business.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12'When the phone won't stop ringing you can be choosy,
0:09:12 > 0:09:14'but when it's not ringing,
0:09:14 > 0:09:17'then...it's at times like this'
0:09:17 > 0:09:20when you find out who your friends are, and you call in a few favours.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24'I'm good friends with Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant. When you're friends
0:09:24 > 0:09:27'with writers, directors, producers,
0:09:27 > 0:09:30'then what's wrong with saying, "All right, chaps, what's going on?'
0:09:30 > 0:09:33"Have you got any work for me?"
0:09:33 > 0:09:36I don't know where to turn, to be honest. There's no work coming in
0:09:36 > 0:09:38- at the minute. I just...- OK.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Are you doing any more Extras?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- I mean maybe we could...- No.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- What else are you working on at the minute?- Just other TV and film.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47- OK.- And, you know...
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Any actors required, perhaps?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Actors?
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Do you need actors?
0:09:52 > 0:09:55We will need actors for the, um, at some point.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57- But not necessarily...- Not...
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Not..?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00If we do, though, we would like...
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- Yeah, cos you were brilliant in The Office.- Extras.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04Extras. Yeah, whatever.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07We did have someone like that in The Office, though?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- Wheelchair.- We had a wheelchair one.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11- Same ballpark.- Oh, yeah.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- But, um...no.- OK, well,
0:10:13 > 0:10:15remember me when you're writing.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- Definitely.- Oh, yeah.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Oh, yeah, you know I mentioned
0:10:19 > 0:10:21things weren't so good between myself and my wife?
0:10:21 > 0:10:25Well, recently, it took a turn for the worse, I'm afraid.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29She's going through with a divorce. I don't know what went wrong.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Always delivered in the bedroom department, I think, you know?
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Um...
0:10:34 > 0:10:35- No, it's...- You know,
0:10:35 > 0:10:37several times a week,
0:10:37 > 0:10:39which is unusual, I think,
0:10:39 > 0:10:42this far into a marriage. What was it? Ten years almost, yeah.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44But um, always had a good go.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Ah. That's...
0:10:47 > 0:10:48that's the main thing, innit?
0:10:48 > 0:10:50I want to tell you this, Ricky,
0:10:50 > 0:10:53I always took care of her needs before I moved on to mine.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55RICKY CLEARS THROAT
0:10:55 > 0:10:57I could tell you some of the things we did.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59No! No point.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01It's just...it's, um...
0:11:01 > 0:11:03No, I could take your word for it.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04All a bit sad really.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Yeah.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07Right, um,
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- good to see you chaps.- It is! Always nice to see you. Cheers.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- Thanks for coming.- See you soon.- OK.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- Oh, yeah, just one more thing. - Go on.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Just getting back to the divorce situation, I wondered,
0:11:20 > 0:11:22have you got any advice?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Um, well,
0:11:24 > 0:11:26my advice would be, ask Steve
0:11:26 > 0:11:29cos he's great at that sort of...thing.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32About what?
0:11:32 > 0:11:33Just the divorce.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37- The divorce thing.- You know, it's all new to me so I don't know what to...
0:11:37 > 0:11:40My advice would probably be just to, um,
0:11:40 > 0:11:44do whatever you think is the right thing to do in this situation.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45What good advice that is.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46- Do whatever?- Yeah.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48You agree with that, yeah?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50If Steve says so, yeah.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Just do whatever. OK, yeah.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56- All right, chaps. Cheers. - Are you definitely off?- See you.- Bye.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Do whatever!
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- What do I know? I didn't even realise he was married.- Oh, God!
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Erm...well, that went well.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10It's always good to get their perspective on things,
0:12:10 > 0:12:13and, you know, now I'm in their minds for any future...
0:12:13 > 0:12:14Shaun!
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Shaun Williamson, from Extras.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20- Hello. - What are you doing here, then?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Oh, just seeing the boys about a few things.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24So they are doing more Extras?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- I don't know, I'm just returning their dry cleaning.- Oh.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30- Doing a few errands for 'em, you know?- Yeah.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32It's all cash and just, you know, it keeps me busy,
0:12:32 > 0:12:34gets me out the house, so, um...
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- Work's dried up a bit since Extras, to be honest.- Yeah, same here.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40What is this, then?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Documentary.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45- What, about...?- About me, yeah.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- That's good exposure for you. - That's what I thought,
0:12:52 > 0:12:53it's all good.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- See you later. - Yeah, see you later, yeah.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59BUZZER RINGS
0:12:59 > 0:13:00'Hello?'
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Right, what was I saying?
0:13:02 > 0:13:03'Oh, hi, come up.'
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Yeah, now I'm in their minds for any future work and stuff,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09cos they're always writing and er, and producing stuff,
0:13:09 > 0:13:11so they're the people to know.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Cheryl Wilkins. That's you.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Bit of background on me before we start.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25I'm an entrepreneur,
0:13:25 > 0:13:29and hoping to expand my operation here.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31That's partly why I need new staff.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Also, my wife used to work here
0:13:34 > 0:13:38but she's currently going through a divorce situation
0:13:38 > 0:13:39with me,
0:13:39 > 0:13:42so um, so I need a new secretary,
0:13:42 > 0:13:43which could be you.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47I'm looking at your CV, and I see
0:13:47 > 0:13:48not a lot of experience.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52- No.- That will mean I can't pay you a lot initially.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54That's fine. Mum just wants me out the house.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57I can live rent-free if I don't come home till six at night.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Right.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02What are your interests? You know, tell me a bit about Cheryl.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- Do you have a pet?- I've got two pets that are related to each other.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- They're dogs.- Ah!
0:14:08 > 0:14:11But we sort of call them
0:14:11 > 0:14:13different things, like,
0:14:13 > 0:14:15they've got names.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19Oh, yeah, obviously, they're dogs,
0:14:19 > 0:14:21and you've given them names,
0:14:21 > 0:14:24which is not unusual, I don't think you'll find. It's just...
0:14:24 > 0:14:28OK, what are your hopes for the future?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Sales and marketing.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32And that's it? That's your dream?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36No. My dream is to sort of establish
0:14:36 > 0:14:39that people that go to the moon are actually going to the moon
0:14:39 > 0:14:41and they're not just pretending.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45I've got a few more people to see.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Actually there's no-one else to see. You're hired.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Yeah, we do have people that can do leprechauns.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01How many do you want?
0:15:01 > 0:15:05'Being restricted in height does not make you restricted in talent.'
0:15:05 > 0:15:09I wouldn't go for seven, cos seven tends to make people think dwarves.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11If they're meant to be leprechauns I'd go with six or eight.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15There's loads of little people with immense talent,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17and that's what I'm trying to show the world.
0:15:17 > 0:15:23DUET: # Ebony and Ivory
0:15:23 > 0:15:28# Live together in perfect harmony... #
0:15:30 > 0:15:31Can I be honest?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Um...awful, obviously.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35That's the least of our worries.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38A lot of boxes ticked. We've got dwarves,
0:15:38 > 0:15:39blacking up, and you know,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42I may be wrong but I don't think you can do that any more.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Maybe in the North. So, we've got dwarves,
0:15:44 > 0:15:48blacking up, singing "Ebony and Ivory". It's a very mixed message.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49And I'm a lesbian.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51I didn't even know one of you was a girl.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06- So, here we are at the offices of my accountant.- Yep.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08- Eric.- Biddle. Mr Biddle.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Yeah, he's not only my accountant, he's a friend.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Yeah, we go way back, don't we?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- Um...- Long way, yeah. - Years and years, isn't it?
0:16:15 > 0:16:17It smells a bit iffy in here today.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20- It's like something rotting. You know that smell of...- Is it that?
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Oh! What is it?
0:16:22 > 0:16:23It's a chicken. I had it for lunch.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- When?- About a week ago.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Then empty the bloody bin!
0:16:27 > 0:16:29It's not my job to empty the bins.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32I'm an accountant, not a bloody cleaner.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Right.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Have you spoken to the Inland Revenue? What's the latest?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Yes. They are not pressing charges.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43They don't think it's fraud. I've told them you didn't know what you were doing.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46It's you who didn't know what he was doing. You're my accountant.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- You're supposed to tell me if I owe tax.- Yeah, I know, but...
0:16:49 > 0:16:53The original figure they said I owed was 250,000. Where are we now?
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Well, I was cheeky, I said, "he won't do it again,"
0:16:56 > 0:16:57there was a bit of back and forth,
0:16:57 > 0:17:00and the figure I arrived at was £50,000.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02£50,000? That's great!
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Wait, no. They said no to that.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06A very definite no.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09So what was the figure you agreed on?
0:17:09 > 0:17:10£250,000.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- That's what they wanted to start with!- Yes, but...
0:17:13 > 0:17:15That's not negotiating! You just agreed with them!
0:17:15 > 0:17:18But the tax people know what they're talking about.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21They understand your accounts better than me.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22I'm not going to argue with them.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- You're supposed to argue! - And piss off the Inland Revenue?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28I've got other clients to think of, better clients.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30I don't want them tarred by your bloody mistakes.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- That you made.- Yeah, exactly!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35'I've known Eric for about 25 years now.'
0:17:35 > 0:17:38He wanted to be a top accountant. I wanted to be a Hollywood star.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41I have to earn £250,000 by January?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43More actually,
0:17:43 > 0:17:47cos you have to pay 40% tax on what you earn, so...
0:17:47 > 0:17:51I never realised, back then, what a poor accountant he would become.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Hang on, I'm confused, sorry.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- Am I being thick?- No, no, it is confusing,
0:17:57 > 0:17:58tax, percentages and everything,
0:17:58 > 0:18:00I always get stuff wrong. I get letters!
0:18:00 > 0:18:03And the smell makes it hard to concentrate, to be honest.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06He really is shit at it.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08How much do I need to earn?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Let's have a look. 250,000
0:18:11 > 0:18:12times...
0:18:12 > 0:18:13CALCULATOR WHIRRS
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Oop! Er, times...
0:18:15 > 0:18:16Does this do percentages?
0:18:16 > 0:18:19It should do. Where is it? Ah, there.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Now, do I press times percentage?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24'If he wasn't a mate, I'd have fired him 24 years ago, but...'
0:18:24 > 0:18:26250,000...
0:18:26 > 0:18:29'..he is a mate, and I can't fire him.'
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Is 0.4 the same? Isn't that like saying 40% of something?
0:18:32 > 0:18:35'In fact, he's more like a stray dog than a mate'
0:18:35 > 0:18:37cos I've been feeding him for so long,
0:18:37 > 0:18:39you know, I can't stop now,
0:18:39 > 0:18:42cos if I do, I know he'll just sit outside
0:18:42 > 0:18:44waiting, and...and starve to death.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Pounds.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Then pay the tax on that.
0:18:49 > 0:18:54Um... pay off the 250 grand,
0:18:54 > 0:18:58and you'll be left with...£20,000.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02I'd have 20 grand? I can live on that,
0:19:02 > 0:19:03that's not so bad... Hang on.
0:19:03 > 0:19:08Didn't higher rate tax go up from 40% to 50% in the UK recently?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Gee, ohh....
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Ohhh...
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Wuh-wuh-buh-buh-buh....
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Can I ask you something, Warwick?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32How do you keep getting into this office?
0:19:32 > 0:19:36'The great thing about being friends with influential people
0:19:36 > 0:19:40'is that through them, you get to meet other influential people.'
0:19:40 > 0:19:43I mean if either of you, or both, could come along,
0:19:43 > 0:19:44- it'd really help.- I can't...
0:19:44 > 0:19:47'That's how this business operates. It's all about networking.'
0:19:47 > 0:19:49- You'd enjoy it. - I wouldn't, trust me.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51BUZZER RINGS Warwick, you've got to go.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- Hello?- 'It's Liam Neeson.'
0:19:53 > 0:19:57- Come in.- I've worked with him.- OK, but you've got to go. Sorry, guys.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00DOOR CLOSES
0:20:00 > 0:20:01I could just...
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- There is he.- Hello!
0:20:03 > 0:20:05- Hi.- That's Warwick, he's just going.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Hiya. We worked together on Star Wars, Phantom Menace.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- Oh yeah?- We had a scene together.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12- It was cut, though. Remember?- OK.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13Thanks for seeing me.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16I'm here because I'm thinking of, uh,
0:20:16 > 0:20:18I'm thinking of doing some comedy.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Oh, right like a comedy movie?
0:20:21 > 0:20:22No, on stage.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26Stand-up comedy, live comedy of some kind.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Wow!
0:20:28 > 0:20:29I'm a funny guy - aren't I?
0:20:32 > 0:20:33I'm funny, right?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Yeah.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Definitely.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Here's some of the stuff I'd like to work on.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Improv, stand-up comedy,
0:20:43 > 0:20:45funny monologues,
0:20:45 > 0:20:47crazy characters, sketches,
0:20:47 > 0:20:51slapstick, anecdotes, parody, yeah?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Yeah.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56You notice this list, huh? I'm always making lists.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Oh, right.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01In fact, that's probably why Steven Spielberg cast me
0:21:01 > 0:21:03as Oskar Schindler in Schindler's List.
0:21:03 > 0:21:08I said, "Steven, I make lists all the time."
0:21:08 > 0:21:12And he said, "That's exactly what I'm looking for."
0:21:13 > 0:21:14What? What's funny?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Sorry, I thought you were joking
0:21:16 > 0:21:18about being cast as Schindler cos you made lists.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20No.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22As an actor, you need stuff to draw on,
0:21:22 > 0:21:24and I drew on that.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26OK. Wow.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30OK, let's do some improvisational comedy.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- I can't now, Liam.- It's a bad time...
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Let's do some improvisational comedy, now.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39OK...
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Give us a scenario, Warwick.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Um, right, OK, er...
0:21:42 > 0:21:45You're a hypochondriac and Ricky's a doctor.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48Excellent.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50OK.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- Knock knock.- Come in.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- Hello.- Oh no, not you again!
0:21:59 > 0:22:00I've never been here before.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Sorry, I thought...
0:22:03 > 0:22:06as you're a hypochondriac, you'd have been to the doctor before.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10Don't presume. That's a backstory we didn't agree on beforehand.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12No, I know,
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- but that's improv, you go with the flow.- I don't take notes.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17OK.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21- Can we go again, because you ruined that?- Sorry.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22- Knock knock.- Come in.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- Hi.- Hi, how's it going? What seems to be the problem?
0:22:25 > 0:22:27I've contracted AIDS.
0:22:30 > 0:22:35- How did you get that? - From an African prostitute.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39I'm...I'm riddled with it.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43The prostitute's from an African country that's,
0:22:43 > 0:22:45that's ravaged by starvation, so...
0:22:46 > 0:22:50..so selling her body was the only financial recourse she had left.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- Do you mind if I interject?- Go on.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54I think it's getting quite heavy, this sketch,
0:22:54 > 0:22:58and I just wonder if perhaps, just for the sake of comedy,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00you might not want to have contracted AIDs
0:23:00 > 0:23:02from an African prostitute. Just...
0:23:02 > 0:23:04OK.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06All right.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Knock knock.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Come in.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- Hi.- Hi, what seems to be the problem?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- As I said before, I've got full-blown AIDS.- Right.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- Do you want to know how I got it? - Sure.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18From a well known homosexual actor.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Wow. OK.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- It was- (BLEEP).
0:23:22 > 0:23:24I wouldn't say the name, cos of...
0:23:24 > 0:23:26I got it from an unspecific actor.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- Does he know he has AIDS? - Who,- (BLEEP)- ?
0:23:29 > 0:23:33Again, sorry, I just wouldn't name them. And also, I just think
0:23:33 > 0:23:37AIDS is, as I've said before, just a really heavy subject for comedy.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Ah. OK.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Hmm.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42I could have bowel cancer.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Yeah,
0:23:44 > 0:23:46cancer though, and AIDS, and famine,
0:23:46 > 0:23:50- aren't really subjects for comedy. - How does he get away with it, then?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52We don't know.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55We shouldn't have a doctor in the sketch
0:23:55 > 0:23:56- if I can't talk about AIDS.- OK.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Any suggestions?
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Oh, um...you're a greengrocer
0:24:01 > 0:24:03and Ricky comes in to complain.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07I've played Rob Roy MacGregor, Michael Collins, Oskar Schindler,
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Zeus, for God's sake.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- No-one will believe me as a grocer. - Change your accent.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14- Lots of actors do it.- He doesn't. How does he get away with it?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Again, we don't know.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Let's just do our own accents and get this done, shall we?
0:24:19 > 0:24:20OK, greengrocer.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Tring!
0:24:23 > 0:24:24We're closed.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- I think the shop has to be open for us to do the sketch.- OK.- Sorry.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Tring!
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Yes?
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Um, I'd like to make a complaint.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37I bought some fruit yesterday. When I got home, some of it was rotten.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39That's not my fault.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43Well, it's your shop and it was sold on your premises, so...
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Uh-uh. I wasn't here.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- Doesn't matter, you've got to... - I was at the doctor's.- OK.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- I've got AIDS. - Thought you might have.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Yep, that's it, that's really good.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56- Yeah.- You're going to storm it, boy.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- OK, brilliant, good luck with that.- Well done.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- Don't forget your little list.- Yeah.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05You're off as well, aren't you, Warwick?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07- Oh, yeah, yeah.- OK, see you guys.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09- OK.- All right. Cheers.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Everything that happens, happens for a reason.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Some things are sent to test you.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32I'm not the sort of bloke who lives in the past, who goes,
0:25:32 > 0:25:35"Oh, I wish it was still the 1980s, those were the glory days.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39"I was doing Willow, Return of the Jedi, work was rolling in."
0:25:39 > 0:25:41I'm not like that.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43I'm going to list all the positives.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47I'm not destitute,
0:25:47 > 0:25:49not a drug addict,
0:25:49 > 0:25:51not riddled with AIDS.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57And there was a chance of catching that in the '80S,
0:25:57 > 0:25:58from a woman.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Right? If I'd caught it from anyone it would have been a woman.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05But, to be honest, I wasn't really shagging in the '80s.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07In the '90s
0:26:07 > 0:26:10I dipped my wick a few times,
0:26:10 > 0:26:11so watch this space.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Plenty more wick dipping to come.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19In women. Just want to make that totally clear.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22I'm not a homosexual.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28So, where are you staying?
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Just probably a guest house.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33You got everything?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- Yeah.- You got your special shampoo?
0:26:35 > 0:26:36Yes.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Don't worry, it's almost cleared up anyway.
0:26:39 > 0:26:40So, yeah.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42OK, well, bye.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43- See you.- See you.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Lovely day.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Do you want to go into the toilet with me?
0:27:01 > 0:27:04- You getting all this?- Fuck off!
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Would you be guest of honour at our wedding?
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Do you believe in aliens?
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Be grateful the phone doesn't ring. It might be Sting.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12His real name's Gordon!
0:27:12 > 0:27:17You're a disgusting little creature and I want to squash you.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20He can't afford a solicitor. I'm his accountant!
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Give me a kiss.
0:27:22 > 0:27:23Hmm...
0:27:31 > 0:27:33She's changed the locks!
0:27:35 > 0:27:37She's changed the back door too.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38What were you thinking?
0:27:42 > 0:27:47I was thinking, I put over £400,000 into this house
0:27:47 > 0:27:49and, er, the dog, bless it,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52has contributed very little to the mortgage, yet
0:27:52 > 0:27:54it can come and go as it pleases.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57And I thought, I'll have a bit of that.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:59 > 0:28:01E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk