0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains very strong language.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08- 'My name is Warwick Davis. I'm an actor...' Have you heard of a film called Willow?- No.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11Not many people have, to be honest. '..an entrepreneur.'
0:00:11 > 0:00:12You're hired.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14'Soon to be divorced.'
0:00:14 > 0:00:16- You're supposed to move out. We're separated.- Not really.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19'Oh, and I've got a massive tax bill.'
0:00:19 > 0:00:21How am I supposed to make that much money?
0:00:34 > 0:00:37'Today I'm at the biggest science fiction and fantasy convention in the UK.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39'It's the fans' best day ever,
0:00:39 > 0:00:43'cos they get to meet their heroes, and say thanks for everything.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48'It's also a great day for me because, you know,
0:00:48 > 0:00:51'I can say thank you for watching.'
0:00:51 > 0:00:53My chance to give them something.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55That's £25, please.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08There you go. £25, please. Thank you.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Cheryl? Right.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13- Hello.- Hello.- All right? - This is my son Michael.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- Hi, Michael. How's it going? All right?- He's got a tumour.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Oh! Sorry to hear that.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22He really loves you. He loves all your films, don't you?
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Thank you.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26- He'd really like a picture. - Yeah, sure.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Shall I put Michael on here?
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Thank you so much. It's really made his day.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Oh, it's a pleasure. There we go. £25, please.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37What?
0:01:37 > 0:01:39£25.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42- You're going to charge us?- Yeah.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44What, even with his tumour?
0:01:44 > 0:01:48It's very sad and everything, but the sign does say £25, you know.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50I've got to treat everyone the same,
0:01:50 > 0:01:53or it's not fair. Anyone could say they've a tumour.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55They wouldn't.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- You'd be surprised. A lot of people would.- Who?
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Angie Watts did in EastEnders.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02You remember? Dirty Den went mental at her. Rightly so.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05OK, but he has got an actual tumour.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07So you say. I don't know.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11- Well, let's assume that he's got a tumour, because he has.- Yeah.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14And if it turns out he hasn't, you can go mental
0:02:14 > 0:02:16and I'll send you £25. How's that?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- Everyone's happy.- No, cos I'm not happy. I'm down £25.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23- You're the one that's happy.- I'm not happy because he's got a tumour.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27But no less so than when you started. You came here with a tumour,
0:02:27 > 0:02:29you're getting more tumours, whereas I'm without
0:02:29 > 0:02:32the £25 I'm entitled to. Look at the sign.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35I can't believe that you're being serious.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39Once word gets out I'm giving away pictures to people with tumours,
0:02:39 > 0:02:43- everyone will be going, "Oh, poor me! I've got a tumour!" - No-one's going to do that!
0:02:43 > 0:02:45They're more likely to go, "Wow, what a nice guy!
0:02:45 > 0:02:48"He gives away free pictures to people with tumours."
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Yeah, all right. So you'll make sure that message gets out then?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Right, um...
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Yeah, Warwick Davis giving away a free picture
0:02:58 > 0:03:03to officially diagnosed tumours. See, it's what I do. Nice guy, see?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07- I've got a tumour.- No, you haven't.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09No, not a tumour, I meant AIDS.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- You haven't got AIDS.- Haven't I?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15No. To get AIDS, you have to have had sex at least once.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Good point!
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Who's it to?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20My mates call me Morpheus.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- Do they?- No, I haven't got any mates.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Just put Terry.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28£25. Thank you very much.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- Hiya.- Tumour.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Oh, for f...!
0:03:48 > 0:03:49- Hi.- Hi.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52We are giant fans,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54and we're getting married in a few weeks.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57It's a Star Wars-themed wedding.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01- Oh, right.- We're wondering, would you be guest of honour?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Er...
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- When is it?- July the 14th.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- This year?- Yeah.- Ah...
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Diary is pretty full this year.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- Not this year, it's not. - No, there is some stuff in there.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17- No, the diary's completely empty. Look.- It's not completely empty.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21It is, look. See, it's completely empty.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25- Yeah. Thanks for that, Cheryl(!) - We could pay you, obviously.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28I mean, not much. Maybe £500?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33If... If I could squeeze you in - and it is an if -
0:04:33 > 0:04:37what would my duties be? I mean, would I best man?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- No, that's my brother Rob. - Sure he's the right man for the job?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Has he had experience of public speaking?
0:04:42 > 0:04:45He's looking forward to it. We're best friends.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48OK. Well, shall we just say that, you know, if Rob crashes and burns
0:04:48 > 0:04:53and the whole evening falls flat, then I'll be straight up there to save the day.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55- OK. If that happens, then sure. - Great!
0:04:55 > 0:04:59And if it does happen, it'll be an extra £250. Just so you know.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03I've got a great Star Wars anecdote about a certain cast member
0:05:03 > 0:05:06who asked me to smuggle cocaine for her through LAX Airport
0:05:06 > 0:05:09cos she said there's not a customs officer in the world
0:05:09 > 0:05:12who wants to stick their finger up a dwarf's arse.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16- OK. Well, let's see how Rob gets on first.- It's your special day.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- Hi, excuse me.- Hiya.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Would you mind being interviewed for the local news?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- Local news? Yeah, sure.- Good.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37- Great.- How are you? - Very well, how are you?
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Good. Yes, very good.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42- I didn't actually know who you were. - Oh.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- He recognised you.- Oh, yeah? - Said you were famous.- A bit.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Who are you?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50- Warwick Davis.- So just start on me and then go over to the, er...
0:05:50 > 0:05:52OK. What's your name again?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55- It's Warwick Davis.- Warwick Davis?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- Yeah.- Davis. Warwick Davis, Warwick Davis.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01Warwick Davis, I'm here with Warwick Davis.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03- You were in Star Wars, right? - That's right, yeah.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Let's go. You rolling?
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Hello, I'm joined with... Ah, cut!
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- Sorry. "Joined with"? What does that mean?- It's OK.- It's not OK.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Mistakes like that are why I'm still at this channel.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Been here three years.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Still doing shitty little interviews with nobodies.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21Let's go again.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25- What's your name again? - Warwick Davis.- Warwick Davis.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Warwick Davis. Yeah.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29I'm with Warwick Davis, Star of the Star Wars films.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31- That is a cut as well. - It was going well.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32It's not going well!
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Star of the Star Wars films. Don't patronise me, thank you.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39- And also don't speak until I've introduced you. Right?- Right.- OK.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Camera's on me, I say your name,
0:06:41 > 0:06:45- then the camera goes on you. Guess what? That's when you speak.- OK.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Say who you are and why you're here. Then we're done.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Been up since six for this! OK, we're going here?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Hi, I'm with Warwick Davis.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Yeah. Er, I was in Star Wars - Return of the Jedi,
0:06:58 > 0:07:01the Harry Potter films, playing Flitwick.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04I was also in the Leprechaun films, the first one famously starred
0:07:04 > 0:07:06a very young Jennifer Anniston.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- You were in a film with Jennifer Anniston?- Yeah.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11My God! Any interesting stories?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13- No, not really. - Fuck's sake! Cut!
0:07:13 > 0:07:15OK, what are you doing?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- What?- Don't set me up with that then have nothing.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21- We look like prats.- There's no story.- Clutching at straws here!
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- Well, she's..- You say Jennifer Aniston, I'll leap on it.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- Don't send me down a cul de sac, right?- OK.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Send one more shoddy report this week, I'm out on my ear.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32This doesn't get on telly, you don't get on telly.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Brilliant(!) Do yourself a favour. Have you got both of us in?
0:07:35 > 0:07:41Have you just got his head? It's a dwarf, if you just show his head that's the same as on anyone.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Can we put him on the table please, so we can just see...
0:07:43 > 0:07:47- Well, I don't think I should. - Get on the table so we can see you're a bloody dwarf!
0:07:47 > 0:07:49What are you doing?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52All right, OK, if I just get on the chair is that OK?
0:07:52 > 0:07:53Get on a chair.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58OK. Right, you see?
0:07:58 > 0:08:00OK, you ready? OK, let's do it.
0:08:00 > 0:08:05I'm here with Warwick Davis, from Star Wars, and others. Go.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07- Yeah, um, I was in, er, Star Wars: Return of the Jedi...- Yes.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Played Wicket the Ewok.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11- Er, I was in the Harry Potter films. - Of course.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15- The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. - Yeah. Time Bandits. - No, I wasn't in that.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Fuck off! Cunt! Dwarf!
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Fucking hell!
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Cut. Sorry, my bad!
0:08:23 > 0:08:24That's my bad, sorry.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28Have you got any interesting stories about, um, about Star Wars?
0:08:28 > 0:08:32Well, yeah, I've got a good story about how my grandmother got me the part.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Shall we do that? OK?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36- Right.- Here we go again.
0:08:36 > 0:08:41Hello, I'm with Warwick Davis, Star dwarf, Star Wars dwarf.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Go on. How d'you get that part?
0:08:43 > 0:08:46I was 11 and my grandmother was listening to the radio...
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Oh, my God, The A-Team van, the A-Team van.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Good, OK.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55He's gone to interview what is essentially a second-hand car.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Not a massive earner today. Made 250 quid,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07which is why we're going to have a brainstorming session.
0:09:07 > 0:09:12Do you know what that is? It just... Throw out any money-making ideas you've got, right?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Brain storming, OK.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16I'll make some notes.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19We'll start with number one, OK?
0:09:19 > 0:09:22In your own time.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26The company is called Dwarves For Hire. Is that right?
0:09:26 > 0:09:27Yes, it is, yeah, yeah.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31- Why do you have to only do acting? Could you do other stuff?- Such as?
0:09:31 > 0:09:32Chimney sweep.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Chimney sweep? Why am I suddenly doing that?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38- Well, it used to be children, didn't it?- 100 years ago, yeah.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41But it's cruel to send children up there nowadays, so...
0:09:41 > 0:09:43So it's not cruel to send a dwarf up there?
0:09:43 > 0:09:48No, because you're an adult, aren't you? Oh, are you not? Oh, I thought you're an adult.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Yeah, of course I'm an adult,
0:09:49 > 0:09:52but I'm also a businessman and I've been in loads of big films.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Why am I suddenly running up chimneys?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57You wouldn't have to run up there, I could help you up.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01Right so, so your business idea is you shoving me up a chimney?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Well, you wouldn't actually necessarily have to go up there at all.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07When my gran used to have her chimney cleaned, the bloke
0:10:07 > 0:10:12would come round, cover everything up with sheets then stick a long brush up there. You could do that.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Right, so now I'm not even taking advantage of my size.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16I'm just a chimney sweep?
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Or I could be at the bottom, and you could be at the end of the pole
0:10:19 > 0:10:22cleaning the top of the chimney, doing a great job,
0:10:22 > 0:10:26and people would come round and go, "Wow, that is the cleanest chimney ever!
0:10:26 > 0:10:27"How did you do that?"
0:10:27 > 0:10:29"I had a dwarf on a pole."
0:10:29 > 0:10:30"Which one?" "Warwick Davis."
0:10:30 > 0:10:33"Who's Warwick Davis?" "He's an actor."
0:10:33 > 0:10:34"What's he been in?" "Films."
0:10:34 > 0:10:35"Which ones?"
0:10:35 > 0:10:37"I can't remember.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39"These ones."
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Right. That idea's safe.
0:10:46 > 0:10:51Um, make a note, "Dwarf on pole".
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Good, um, moving on to number two.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58You could do other stuff that's too dangerous for children.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Like what?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02You could be used as bait to catch a paedophile.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Go on. How would this work?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07You in a little dress, with bunches in your hair,
0:11:07 > 0:11:11just playing in the woods waiting for paedophiles to come up to you,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13and molest you.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Why am I dressed as a little girl? Why can't I be a boy?
0:11:17 > 0:11:19I don't think there's any gay paedophiles.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21There's loads of gay paedophiles.
0:11:21 > 0:11:26Also, they won't have done anything wrong because if a paedophile comes up to me and offers me some sweets,
0:11:26 > 0:11:30all he's done is give a dwarf some sweets. That's not illegal.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33What happens if a real kid comes over and wants to play?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36I'm a grown man dressed as a little girl playing with a kid in the woods.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Straight to prison. Next.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41You could hide in places too small for other people to hide in.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43I don't even know what job that is.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Forget it.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46It's just, it's not working.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Just...
0:11:47 > 0:11:50There's nothing come in, no job offers at all?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53- No, nothing really.- Oh.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Oh. Oh, yeah, Johnny Depp's agent called.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57What?
0:11:57 > 0:11:58Give it...
0:12:00 > 0:12:02You didn't want to mention this?
0:12:03 > 0:12:08'So Johnny is doing this movie, it's called Tim Burton's Rumpelstiltskin.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11'Tim is directing, obviously, it is Johnny and Helen Bonham Carter.
0:12:11 > 0:12:16- 'Johnny will be playing Rumpelstiltskin, an evil dwarf from the classic fairy tale.'- OK.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19'But you may know Johnny's a real method actor,
0:12:19 > 0:12:21'he spends a lot of time researching his roles
0:12:21 > 0:12:25'and he wants to meet and understand what it's like to be a little person.'
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Fantastic. He's made the right decision.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I totally understand what it's like to be a little person.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33'Great! Obviously Johnny will pay you for your time.
0:12:33 > 0:12:38'We thought a week's work, Monday to Friday, £1,000 a day.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40£5,000?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42'Yeah. Is that OK?'
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Yeah, that's good, yeah.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47'Are you free from Monday next week?'
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Er, let's just, er, just check the old diary.
0:12:51 > 0:12:56Er, it's pretty chocca so, er, you know, we'll have to shift a few things around.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57You've got nothing but a back wax.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01Yeah. No, I'm all set. Great.
0:13:01 > 0:13:06- 'Great. Johnny will see you at the Dorchester at ten o'clock Monday.' - OK, see you then. Bye.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- 'Bye.'- Oh!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Oh, I can't believe you're meeting Johnny Depp.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13He is my favourite film star.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16He's one of the handsomest men on earth, and he's intelligent,
0:13:16 > 0:13:20and brilliant at acting, and rich.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- Probably wouldn't go out with me, though, would he?- Probably not.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Course, he's married, isn't he?
0:13:25 > 0:13:29He is sadly, otherwise you'd be straight in there.
0:13:30 > 0:13:35Not bad, is it? Being a muse to one of the biggest movie stars of all time.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I'm not going to tell him how to say his lines, no.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41I'm not going to tell him how to play a dwarf.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43I'm going to tell him how to be a dwarf,
0:13:43 > 0:13:46how to think like a dwarf, how to feel like a dwarf.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Then they'll use special effects to make him small like a dwarf.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Team effort.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Hello. Oh, ho-ho, wow!
0:13:59 > 0:14:03- That's perfect.- OK.- It's perfect. Yeah you just, just move...
0:14:03 > 0:14:08- All right?- Just go and do whatever you would normally do.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Crazy little walk. Where do you sit?
0:14:13 > 0:14:17On like a chair, sofa? Or like, er, on the floor, cross-legged?
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Can you actually, can you do cross-legged?
0:14:20 > 0:14:24- Not really, I just normally sit in a chair.- Really?- Yeah. Shall we, shall I sit down?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Yeah, yeah, please, please.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Wow...! He hopped on the chair.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33- It's, it's great.- Cool.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36He's kind of like a grub coming out of an apple,
0:14:36 > 0:14:39seeing the world for the first time.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41All right.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45- So may I ask you a question?- Mm-hm. - If you were struck by lightning,
0:14:45 > 0:14:47bolt of lightning, bam!
0:14:47 > 0:14:49- Right?- Yeah.- What do you do?
0:14:49 > 0:14:53- Dead!- Maybe not.- OK.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54Can I just see you out of that chair,
0:14:54 > 0:14:57on that floor?
0:14:57 > 0:14:58- Standing here like this?- Yeah.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- Just you and me. - Yeah.- We're standing here talking.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- Bang-bang, bang-bang, bang-bang, bam!- Ba!
0:15:04 > 0:15:07- A bolt of lightning is going to knock you down.- OK.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- Bam!- Ah! Oh!- Stand up.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Fucking stand up. That's great.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18- Ah!- That noise!- Yeah.- Noise is fantastic. Let's do the noise again.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Cool, right.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- Agh!- Agh!- Agh!- Agh!
0:15:23 > 0:15:29- Agh!- Aghhhh! That's fantastic! Oh, God that's great!- Yeah, cool. - That's really great.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33It's like a...it's like a weird baby crow that's been left by its mother,
0:15:33 > 0:15:36and the little legs started flailing.
0:15:36 > 0:15:41- Did they?- And, er... Yeah, they did. Sorry, I'm just making notes.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Have you heard of, erm...Michael Flatley?
0:15:45 > 0:15:46- Er, yeah.- Yes, hmm.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- The Lord Of The Dance.- Oh, yeah.
0:15:49 > 0:15:54- Right. Here we go, you and me. - Yeah. What are we going to do? - The Lord Of The Dance.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Faster.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Fucking give me passion.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04No, come on!
0:16:04 > 0:16:06That's not Michael Flatley.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- Lord Of The Dance!- Yeah. - Lord Of The Dance!- Yeah.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Faster. Faster. More, more!
0:16:17 > 0:16:21So, there's one scene,
0:16:21 > 0:16:24er...that I need to see,
0:16:24 > 0:16:26cos at one point
0:16:26 > 0:16:30Rumpelstiltskin climbs up through the sewers...
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- Right.- ..to escape the villagers.
0:16:32 > 0:16:37- OK.- OK?- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39How do you want to do that?
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Oh, God! It's far too much.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49It's an evil toilet dwarf.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Yeah.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!- OK.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Ugh! Ooo-ugh!
0:16:58 > 0:17:00How do you feel?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Erm, feet are a bit wet, to be honest.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07So what is a typical day for you?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10- Um.- I want to see what you do, I want to see what you do. How you do it.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- What you do? - Same as you probably, really.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17- Um, just sort of having important meetings, doing some brilliant acting.- Mm.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Um, hanging out with famous people, sort of thing.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Like, who like?
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Other dwarves, like tiny men?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- Sometimes.- Er, yeah. But, I mean, today,
0:17:25 > 0:17:28I'm going to cruise down and meet a couple of good friends of mine...
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Ricky Gervais?
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Mm hm.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Can I come with you?
0:17:37 > 0:17:38Sure, yeah. Yeah.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40- Good.- Let's do it, yeah?- Yeah.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47There they are, the lads.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51- Hi.- Hello, lads. - So, yeah, I pop in here, what, every other day to see you guys, don't I?
0:17:51 > 0:17:55- Seems like it, yeah. - Have you, er, have you met before? Johnny this is Stephen.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56- Hello, pleased to meet you.- No.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00- And Ricky there.- I actually remember him from the Golden Globes.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- Hi.- Yeah.- How's it going?
0:18:02 > 0:18:07I'm fine. Just doing another film that's going to make loads of money...
0:18:07 > 0:18:10probably a lot more money than any film you've ever...ahem...made.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Good.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15And you?
0:18:15 > 0:18:20Er, yeah just, just writing, I write and direct all my own stuff.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23How great for you.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26That must be so great. I'm working with a great director - Tim Burton.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Have you ever heard of him?
0:18:28 > 0:18:29Of course. Yeah.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34And the film itself is really brilliant and I'm playing a very interesting character.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38Do you have any idea who my leading lady is on this film?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- Erm, in the Tim Burton film? - Um, yeah.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Helena Bonham Carter?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45- How d'you know?- Stab in the dark.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49- She thinks you're an idiot.- Sorry, have I done something to offend you?
0:18:49 > 0:18:51What do you mean, like,
0:18:51 > 0:18:55trashing me in front of 200 million people at the Golden Globes?
0:18:55 > 0:18:59That was a while ago, they were jokes, Johnny...
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- Oh, they were jokes?- Yeah. - You like jokes?- Yes.
0:19:01 > 0:19:06Good, cos I got together with a few pals, after the awards,
0:19:06 > 0:19:08and we wrote some jokes...
0:19:08 > 0:19:10about you.
0:19:10 > 0:19:15And I want you to know this, I want you to carry this with you for the rest of your days.
0:19:15 > 0:19:20No-one makes fun of Tim Allen on my watch...
0:19:21 > 0:19:23and gets away with it.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27Don't say anything, just keep that in you, OK?
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Here are my jokes.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32What is nastier than Ricky Gervais's jokes?
0:19:32 > 0:19:33His teeth!
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Why do people instantly dislike Ricky Gervais? Because it saves time!
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Ha, ha, ha, ha!
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Why did Ricky Gervais do a series of audio books?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47So that the blind could hate him as well.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Now, this is from Angelina.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55"Tell Ricky Gervais that me and Brad have a picture of him on our mantelpiece,
0:19:55 > 0:19:59"because it keeps the kids away from the fire."
0:19:59 > 0:20:03And why isn't Ricky Gervais circumcised?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Because there's no end to that prick.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Did you quit Twitter recently?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Well, about two years ago.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12- But you quit Twitter?- Yeah. - Right.- Yes.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14And did you quit because it only has 140 characters?
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Well, the joke I made at the time was I'm so verbose
0:20:18 > 0:20:21that I can't say everything in 140 letters, so...
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- Right.- Do the joke. What's the joke?
0:20:23 > 0:20:29I hear that Ricky Gervais quit Twitter recently because it only has 140 characters.
0:20:29 > 0:20:34Well, that's 139 more characters
0:20:34 > 0:20:35than he's ever come up with.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Good joke. The telling of it took about as long as long as
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Pirates Of The Caribbean 3, but yeah, it's a good joke.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43You're laughing.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Well, it's just...
0:20:45 > 0:20:49- You fucking laughed.- Mm... - What, are you dissing Pirates now?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- No.- Really?- It's a good movie, I thought it was...
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Just a bit long though, which he picked up on.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- People love that movie.- Oh, yeah.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00What is wrong with you people?
0:21:00 > 0:21:05Seriously, why do you pick on movie stars? What have I done wrong?
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- Picking on.. - I'm trying to express myself, man, to help people.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12- Sure.- Give joy to the masses.- Right.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Is that a crime? Is that a crime?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Seriously.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17No..
0:21:17 > 0:21:19No.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21No more.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23No more.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44These Hollywood stars are so touchy, aren't they?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Tell me about it.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Well, that's five grand down the drain!
0:21:51 > 0:21:55Still, I've got that wedding on Saturday and that's cash in hand.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, Warwick.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Onwards and upwards!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Five grand, though!
0:22:23 > 0:22:28- Well, here he is.- Hello. - Hi, nice to see you again. Warwick.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- Where's your Ewok outfit?- My...?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Ewok outfit, where is it?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- What do you mean?- Well, obviously we want you dressed as an Ewok.
0:22:36 > 0:22:41- What do you mean, obviously? - Why else would we invite you? - For my celebrity status?
0:22:41 > 0:22:45I invite dwarves to my wedding willy-nilly if they're not bringing anything to the table.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47You didn't bring the Ewok costume.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Why would I walk around with a costume?
0:22:50 > 0:22:52That was for a film. Why do you actually need me?
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Anyone could walk around dressed as an Ewok.
0:22:55 > 0:23:00That's not Dave Prowse, and that's not Anthony Daniels, that's not Kenny Baker in a dustbin there.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- Yeah, it is actually.- Is it?
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Oh! Hey, Kenny, it's Warwick.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12My future wife is expecting to see an Ewok at her wedding.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14You want me to, magic up an Ewok costume?
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Could get like a bear outfit...
0:23:16 > 0:23:21- Ewoks aren't bears. - Could someone pop to Hamley's for a big toy bear and put him in it?
0:23:21 > 0:23:22What am I? A pair of pyjamas?
0:23:22 > 0:23:27I've got a big toy bear my brother won at the fair. I could get that.
0:23:27 > 0:23:32- Would you mind? - No, I don't want it, it stinks, the dog humps it all the time.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36- Great, yes, get the stinky bear. - Excuse me, I'm still here, you know.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57And, finally, just like to say a few words about
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Emma's grandmother, Vera, who sadly passed away very recently.
0:24:01 > 0:24:07We're certain that she's looking down on us today wishing them all the love in the world,
0:24:07 > 0:24:09so please raise your glasses as we toast the bride and...
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on a minute, hang on.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Let's not go out on a dead gran, let's have a bit of a laugh here.
0:24:15 > 0:24:20Um, here we go, just, er, hop up.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Oh! Thank you very much. I will take that.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25I'd just like to say a few words. Let's end on a high...
0:24:25 > 0:24:29That's a good effort but a bit depressing for a wedding.
0:24:29 > 0:24:35I'm Warwick and I'm the other best man and I'm going to keep this speech short, like myself!
0:24:38 > 0:24:42The groom is not just a huge fan of mine but he's also a huge
0:24:42 > 0:24:47a cricket fan and I know he's been waiting to find out the Test results.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49It's all right, mate, they're negative!
0:24:50 > 0:24:53And there's only one thing that's hit more balls
0:24:53 > 0:24:56than Ian Botham's bat, and that's Emma's chin!
0:24:56 > 0:25:00AWKWARD SILENCE
0:25:05 > 0:25:10Traditionally, the best man's speech is when you make the groom feel uncomfortable for five minutes.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13which is exactly what Nigel does to Emma in bed.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16SILENCE
0:25:17 > 0:25:21I mean, he makes her feel uncomfortable as he's not very good in bed.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Not cos he's making her do something she doesn't want to do,
0:25:24 > 0:25:27like forcing her to do anal.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34OK.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Um, er, and looking around the room you know I can see
0:25:37 > 0:25:42you're thinking if I'm the best man, why is Nigel marrying Emma?
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Cos I didn't get her pregnant.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51What's, what's the matter with her, what...?
0:25:51 > 0:25:53- She can't have kids.- What?
0:25:53 > 0:25:54She can't have children.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59There's no way I could have known she's barren.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01GUESTS GROAN
0:26:01 > 0:26:03This is ridiculous.
0:26:07 > 0:26:12It's ridiculous, you've got to chill out, honestly.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15You don't know how lucky you are to have me here.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Twat!
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Big laughs and thanks for that.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29So...
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Emma's gran.
0:26:31 > 0:26:32ALL: Emma's gran.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Emma's gran.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36She needs a drink!
0:26:38 > 0:26:40'What a week!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42'It started off so well.'
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Star of a convention, didn't make any money.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48Then Johnny Depp comes along, supposed to get five grand, I blow that.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52And then get paid to come to a wedding - blew that.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55What am I doing?
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Sometimes I seriously think I should just give up this lark and get a proper job.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01What could you do instead?
0:27:03 > 0:27:05There's the rub.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14You're stealing the best roles for yourself.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18It's really hard to act opposite this, given the way it looks.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20I just said, first off get a bra that fits...
0:27:22 > 0:27:25She's weak minded and vulnerable and easily persuaded.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26That's how he got her, yes.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29He's more your run-of-the-mill kind of chap.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32- What's all this? - We want to talk to you.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34- I can't have its face staring at me. - It?!
0:27:34 > 0:27:35Can we lose the face?
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Right, that's one for Great Ormond Street.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Signed DVDs of The Office, only £30. Signed by Ricky Gervais.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49And then Save the Children and that one's Help The Aged.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Thanks for doing this, Rick.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53It's amazing how much they'll raise.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56- Well, fellas, got your dry cleaning. - Excellent, just dump it there.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Yeah, we've got coffee, and we have sandwiches.
0:27:59 > 0:28:04Cheers. Oh, Shaun, I was going to ask you, for a quote for the office.
0:28:04 > 0:28:09Ooh, the most important sitcom of a generation.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Er cheers. No, um...
0:28:11 > 0:28:14I meant a quote to paint the office.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Three hundred?
0:28:17 > 0:28:19- That's cheap.- It is, yeah.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21- Four.- Well, you said three just now.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23I... Yeah, I'll give you four.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26- Cheers.- It's your money.
0:28:26 > 0:28:27It's still cheap, innit?
0:28:27 > 0:28:30It is, yeah.