0:00:02 > 0:00:03What's the problem?
0:00:03 > 0:00:06When I signed up, my heroes were Laurence Olivier, Al Pacino...
0:00:06 > 0:00:09At least you're working.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11I know. It's not exactly what I dreamed of.
0:00:11 > 0:00:12Oh, here we go!
0:00:12 > 0:00:14CHEERING
0:00:14 > 0:00:19This programme contains some strong language
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Strike!
0:00:23 > 0:00:25'My name is Warwick Davis.' Hello, Dwarves For Hire.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27'I'm an entrepreneur.'
0:00:27 > 0:00:30- You're stealing the best roles for yourself.- 'I'm an actor.'
0:00:30 > 0:00:32- What part of the character's this? - Just keep going.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35- 'Soon to be divorced.' - Got your special shampoo?- Yes.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37'Oh, and I've got a massive tax bill.'
0:00:37 > 0:00:41It's you that didn't know what he was doing. You're my accountant.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Hello, I'm Warwick Davis and welcome to my website, warwickdavis.org.uk.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Here's a showbiz anecdote for you.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58I was trying on costumes once with actor Mark Hamill.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00He was stripped down to his underwear,
0:01:00 > 0:01:05and I was quite literally taken aback by the size of the bulge in his underpants.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08For a slight man, there really was a monster down there.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11I was mightily impressed, and he was flaccid.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15So there you have it, finally Warwick Davis has gone cyber.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19The site's been live for 48 hours now. How many hits, Cheryl?
0:01:19 > 0:01:2112.
0:01:21 > 0:01:2412. For God's sakes! See, that annoys me.
0:01:24 > 0:01:29Porn stars on sites like, I don't know, hotdirtysluts.co.uk, millions of hits.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33Me, proper film star making proper films, 12 hits.
0:01:33 > 0:01:38"Do you want to visit my website?" "No, we'd rather have a wank, Warwick." "Oh, have a wank then."
0:01:38 > 0:01:42I mean, part of the problem could be that my website address is warwickdavis.org.uk.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46Um, I couldn't get warwickdavis.com cos that was already taken,
0:01:46 > 0:01:51so if you're looking for me and you type in warwickdavis.com,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54you're going to be sorely disappointed.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Probably get some clown who's a plumber in Chepstow.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59There he is. And I don't think you want to go there.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03Well, it turns out you do, actually, he's had more hits than me.
0:02:03 > 0:02:071,800 people need a plumber in Chepstow? Fuck off!
0:02:07 > 0:02:08What do you need?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- Well, I won't keep you guys. - Go on.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Well, I was thinking, what'd be great for my website
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- would be a quote from you, Ricky, endorsing me as an actor.- OK.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18- Think that's a good idea? - Yeah, definitely.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20The problem is, I'll start straightaway,
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- um, I can't think of anything. - You could think of something.
0:02:23 > 0:02:28Just a couple of sentences singing my praises, and directors and producers would see it up there
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- and think, "Wow, this dude must be good if..."- Really good idea.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35- Yeah, yeah? What, to me to put my name to, to his... - Yeah, yeah.- ..career?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Um, well, we're a bit snowed under, to be honest, but I...
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- Can you just e-mail me something later?- Oh... Yeah.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Great. Cheers. Thanks.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56The Society Of People Of Short Stature was set up in 1985.
0:02:56 > 0:03:01We're a group that really campaigns for the rights of little people.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Currently, the chairman is a man called Anthony Braden.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08I am vice chairman.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12I should probably be chairman, really,
0:03:12 > 0:03:17but I suppose it means more to Anthony, so good luck to him.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21Prejudice doesn't need to be hate-fuelled, it can just be ignorance.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25It can be being patronised or it can just simply be...
0:03:25 > 0:03:29'I feel it's important to use whatever charisma
0:03:29 > 0:03:33'and star power that I've been blessed with to help others.'
0:03:33 > 0:03:35It's an honour.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37It's also a duty.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41If you can send in your bits of news and any interesting articles
0:03:41 > 0:03:43we'll try and get them published.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47So I look forward to seeing you at the next meeting. Thanks.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49What's... What's all that? What's...
0:03:49 > 0:03:54Oh, I've just got to do a quick interview for BBC News about the society,
0:03:54 > 0:03:56- What, they're interviewing you? - Yeah.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05Hiya.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08So you're from the BBC.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Er, yeah.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11British Broadcasting Corporation.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14And, er, and you're interviewing Anthony?
0:04:14 > 0:04:16That's right.
0:04:16 > 0:04:21Seems a bit odd. You know, you've got a film star in your midst and you wouldn't use him.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22What film star?
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Me, Warwick Davis. Return Of The Jedi, etc.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Ah, OK. It's just a quick interview.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33- We were told Anthony's the chairman of the society. - Yeah, I'm sure, yeah, well, he is.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37Bit worried, actually. Anthony might freeze up in front of the cameras, you know.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39It's just one camera.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- Can I have a word?- Yeah, of course.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Bloody film crew just clocked me, right,
0:04:48 > 0:04:50and they want me to do the interview.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52You all right if we do it together?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Yeah, fine. I'm not bothered.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Hiya. Just spoke to Anthony over there.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Our worst fears have come true. He's nervous.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06He wants me to do the interview with him.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- Er, fine, whatever.- Cool.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13You got a dressing room I can chill out in?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Just need to get my head together, you know.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- No, we're ready to go now.- Cool, mm.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Got any slap?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22- Slap?- Make-up.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23No.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25It's all right, got me own.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Pop another chair out.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35You all right?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Bit shiny... Do you want some powder?
0:05:37 > 0:05:38No, I'm fine.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40Sweaty.
0:05:40 > 0:05:41Happy?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- Yeah, I'm happy. You happy?- Yeah.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- Great, let's rock 'n' roll. - OK, then.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Take one.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50So, what are you campaigning for?
0:05:50 > 0:05:56Well, um, homophobic or racial slurs are considered totally unacceptable nowadays,
0:05:56 > 0:06:00and yet words like midget are still being commonly used.
0:06:00 > 0:06:05Anthony's mentioned racism, and I see our struggle as being like the civil rights movement in America.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Of the two of us, I suppose I'm more like Martin Luther King,
0:06:09 > 0:06:12just cos I've got the profile and the charisma and a way with words,
0:06:12 > 0:06:16but, you know, that's not to say Anthony's not got an important role to play.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20He's more your run of the mill coloured chap in the '50s, you know.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Yes, I'm taking all the glory and going down in history,
0:06:23 > 0:06:25but then he's not getting shot in the head.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27So, swings and roundabouts.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30So, what is to be done?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32It's about awareness.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35A lot of people don't even realise that the word midget is considered offensive.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Oh, yeah, can I take this? Um, what we're talking about is equality, right?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Martin Luther King once said,
0:06:41 > 0:06:47"I have a dream that one day a little black boy will walk hand in hand with a little white girl," OK?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Swap the word black for dwarf, and you've got my situation.
0:06:50 > 0:06:56Not literally. I don't mean I want to walk down the street holding hands with a little white girl,
0:06:56 > 0:06:58you know, or any little girl.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02And if I did, um, totally above board, got the parents' permission and everything,
0:07:02 > 0:07:07and it's not like I'm going to a supermarket and dragging the little girl out by the hand
0:07:07 > 0:07:11and off down the woods, you know, Mum screaming, "Oh, where's my child?"
0:07:11 > 0:07:14"Went off down the woods with a creepy little dwarf."
0:07:14 > 0:07:21What I'm saying is that dwarves and regular people should be able to walk hand in hand as equals.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26The Society Of People Of Short Stature wanted to...
0:07:26 > 0:07:30Yeah, no, this is really good, this sort of exposure for the society,
0:07:30 > 0:07:35and that's kind of what I can bring it, you know, with my profile, you know.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Programmes like this'll be interested to see what it's like.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Oh, here we are, here's Anthony, the shiny sod!
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Go on, get on with it!
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Homophobic or racial slurs are considered totally unacceptable nowadays,
0:07:48 > 0:07:52and yet words like midget are still being commonly used.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53So, what is to be done?
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Basically, like other minority groups,
0:07:56 > 0:08:01we feel we should be able to expect equality and dignity in public and in the workplace.
0:08:01 > 0:08:06Most of the jobs in the entertainment industry for little people are not dignified.
0:08:06 > 0:08:11Why can't a little person be playing Othello or Hamlet or any of the great roles?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Height should simply not be an issue.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17It should simply come down to, "Can they act?"
0:08:17 > 0:08:21Anthony Braden from the Society Of People Of Short Stature...
0:08:21 > 0:08:23That's...that's ridiculous.
0:08:23 > 0:08:30They've just cut me out. That's...that's embarrassing.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33For them.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36I feel like phoning up the head of the BBC and going, "All right?
0:08:36 > 0:08:41"It's Warwick Davis here." "All right, how are you doing? Thought you'd be in Hollywood."
0:08:41 > 0:08:44"No, no, took the day off." "What have you been doing, chilling out?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47"No, spent the day helping one of your producers do a news report."
0:08:47 > 0:08:51"That'll get the ratings in." "No, it won't, cos they cut me out." "Did they?"
0:08:51 > 0:08:55"Yeah, they just left in some totally boring un-famous dwarf that no-one cares about.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58"Tell that producer I'll never work for him again."
0:08:58 > 0:09:01"Oh, don't worry, Warwick, he'll never work again."
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Yeah, I'm not going to do that, though.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05I don't want to get the little prat fired.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25- Hello. What's all this? - We want to talk to you.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30Ah, have you made an appointment cos, er, I've got a lot of meetings this afternoon, haven't I?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Mm, no, you haven't.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Are you sure? Just check again.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39No, definitely not. You've got nothing. Nothing's going on.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Phone hasn't rung for weeks.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Thanks for your help.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Seems like I can squeeze you in.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50We saw Anthony on the news last night. He made some interesting points.
0:09:50 > 0:09:55- I made some as well, but they cut me out.- We're worried there's a conflict of interest.
0:09:55 > 0:10:01- When the phone rings, we don't know if you're representing us or taking the best roles.- He's not.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- The phone never rings. - Yes, it does.
0:10:04 > 0:10:10And I always talk you guys up, but if a producer calls up and says, "I want to book Warwick Davis,"
0:10:10 > 0:10:14I can't go, "Oh, no you don't want him, you want some nobody you've never heard of," can I?
0:10:14 > 0:10:20- I assume you're not putting that on a press release.- Definitely not. Not putting out press releases.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- Well, shouldn't you be, to publicise us?- I've got the website.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Yeah, but that's a website for you. There should be a Dwarves For Hire website,
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- with our CVs on there and our show reels.- Who's paying for this?
0:10:30 > 0:10:35You! We want to show people we can play Othello or Hamlet or any other role a regular size person can play.
0:10:35 > 0:10:41Like Anthony said on the news, height shouldn't be an issue, it should come down to, "Can they act?"
0:10:43 > 0:10:45'The truth is they can't act.'
0:10:45 > 0:10:49There's a reason they're bowling balls or being fired from cannons,
0:10:49 > 0:10:50it's cos that's all they're good at.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53'Look at Bernard, he's useless.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55'I don't know what else he could do in life.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57'He certainly can't act.
0:10:57 > 0:11:02'I told him, "You want to volunteer for medical experiments, you'll make more money that way."'
0:11:02 > 0:11:06They pump you full of drugs and prod you around. What's the worst that could happen?
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Even if he ends up deformed or deaf and dumb or loses the use of his legs,
0:11:09 > 0:11:12he'd be no worse off than he is now, and he'd have money!
0:11:14 > 0:11:18'They come to me because I'm sort of their guardian angel.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21'I care for them, I protect them, I nurture them.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25'If they want to be taken seriously, then it's my duty to help.'
0:11:25 > 0:11:27I'll make them a show reel.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33I just hope they can keep the costs down, cos it is a total waste of money,
0:11:33 > 0:11:37and I don't mind giving them false hope, but not at my expense.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Action.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42My name is Maximus Decidimus Sorus,
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Emperor of the armies and legions, servants of the, er...
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Don't look at me. Just keep...
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Servants of the Emperor, Marcus Aurelius.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Yeah. Blink.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00Er, er, oh!
0:12:00 > 0:12:05This isn't showing you acting, you're hanging there moaning. Think of something to say.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07This is bloody horrible.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12This is not a good Friday.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Yeah, brilliant. Costing me five grand, this is.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18OK, Brokeback Mountain, take one.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Oh, yeah, I love you.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Oh! Don't tell me wife.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Don't disturb the horses.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30- Yeah. Hey, where did you get this tent from?- Millets.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32No-one wants to see that.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36I didn't even like seeing the real two do it in the film, and they were lookers.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Look at that.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39I'm gay.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Oh! Me, too.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Aye, definitely gay.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant have sent a quote through for me.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50They've made sure I get the wording exactly right. Um...I understand why.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55Their reputation is everything, um, which is why when they endorse you, it means something.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Here it is.
0:12:57 > 0:13:02"We've worked with some of the greatest actors on the planet and Warwick Davis."
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Not bad, is it? Thank you, gentleman, for that.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06Some more good news.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Finally, the fans have begun to find my website
0:13:09 > 0:13:12and some of them have been leaving lovely comments, haven't they?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Cheryl, do you want to read some out?
0:13:14 > 0:13:16No, not really.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18No, I'm saying, "Read some out."
0:13:18 > 0:13:19Oh, OK.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22This one's from the Prince of Darkness.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25All right, what does the Prince say?
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- "Yay, Warwick's website." - Great, thank you, Prince of Darkness. Any more?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- This one's from Nigel Perkins. - Where do they get these names from?
0:13:32 > 0:13:36Nutty, some of my fans, so... Hello, Nigel. What does he say?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38"Well done."
0:13:38 > 0:13:43Great, Nigel likes it. That's good. Um, cool. Any...anything else?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45- Cyber Slayer. - Cyber Slayer! It's a cool name.
0:13:45 > 0:13:50- Great.- He says, "Awful, you are rubbish, you are not an actor, you just dress up.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53"We didn't even see your face in those films.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57"That is not acting. You're not even a proper dwarf.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59"Your arms are wrong."
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Don't even know what that means.
0:14:02 > 0:14:07"You're a disgusting little creature and I want to squash you."
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Is that it?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11No.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13All right, what else?
0:14:13 > 0:14:14"Fuck off."
0:14:14 > 0:14:18Cyber Slayer. Ah, yeah, and that's not your real name.
0:14:18 > 0:14:24Um, you're a coward, hiding behind a crappy little stupid name.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28You're a waste of time, really, um, a moron.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Yeah, I, I don't know who you are. Nobody knows who you are.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33You know, you've never been in any films or on the TV.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36You...you're...you're nobody. You're not famous.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- How do you know he isn't famous? - He isn't famous!
0:14:39 > 0:14:43- Which famous person would go online and slag me off?- Simon Cowell.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45- Well, why? - He says what he thinks.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49- Well, why would he think that? - Maybe he doesn't like looking at weird stuff.
0:14:49 > 0:14:55He worked with Susan Boyle and Jedward, and Louis Walsh.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Excuse me. I'm here to pick up a dwarf.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Oh, yeah, er, drunk and disorderly,
0:15:10 > 0:15:14and riding a children's tricycle down a dual carriageway.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Right, um, are you going to press charges?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Not if you're happy to take him into your custody.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Yeah, OK, whatever.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Let's have him.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29As soon as they even think they're in a film they go and get wasted.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33My name is Maximum Minimus,
0:15:33 > 0:15:38and I'll have my end away with your wife, or the next...
0:15:38 > 0:15:40We had to confiscate his sword.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43I've got my own sword. My pork sword.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47Ha!
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Oh!
0:15:52 > 0:15:54He's thrown up over his own penis.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59You're not getting in my car smelling like that.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Don't need to. I've got my bike.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05No, Pete, you can't go on the bike, not again.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07No, whoa, stop!
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Pete, stop!
0:16:09 > 0:16:14Oh! Don't go on the dual carriageway, take the back roads. What is he..?
0:16:14 > 0:16:19Oh! How long is that going to take him to get home?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21CRASHING
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Oh, now he's off.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Look, he's just flailing like a dung beetle.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Oh, it's pathetic.
0:16:34 > 0:16:39Thought of the day, um, let's stay out of the Middle East,
0:16:39 > 0:16:44let them blow themselves up and then just walk in and take the oil.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Next, women I'd like to meet.
0:16:47 > 0:16:52Dame Judi Dench and Shakira for completely different reasons.
0:16:52 > 0:16:57So, I posted that up and our friend Cyber Slayer has been back on
0:16:57 > 0:17:00and he posted this comment.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02"You'd never get off with a bird like Shakira,
0:17:02 > 0:17:05"she'd take one look at you, gob in your ugly face and run a mile.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09"I could get off with her because I do get off with birds as good as her all the time, anyway."
0:17:09 > 0:17:14Pathetic. And he's a coward, cos he wouldn't say that to my face.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17I'm going to prove that because I've tracked him down.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21Cheryl here has been doing a bit of detective work, haven't you?
0:17:21 > 0:17:25From his user name, I found his YouTube channel
0:17:25 > 0:17:30and from his YouTube channel, it was linked to his MySpace page.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34Yeah, yeah, OK. It's taking longer than an episode of Columbo.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Um, point is we found out he's 16 years old,
0:17:36 > 0:17:40so there's no way he's getting off with better-looking birds than Shakira.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43I've got his real name, I've got the name of his posh school,
0:17:43 > 0:17:47so I'm going to pay the Cyber Slayer a little visit.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48And I'm going to destroy him.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17- Sorry, can I help you?- Yes, I want to read you something, if that's OK.
0:18:17 > 0:18:22This was posted on my YouTube channel by a pupil in your class.
0:18:22 > 0:18:27"You ugly little troll. I want to tie you up and beat you."
0:18:27 > 0:18:31- Quiet!- Now, I don't know why he's got such a fascination with me.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Clearly has a fetish for dwarves.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Wants to tie me up, does he? Mm, sounds a bit gay!
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Maybe he's in love with me. A gay dwarf fetish!
0:18:45 > 0:18:47His name is Justin Palmer.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Justin Palmer, come up here.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53WHIRRING
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Justin, did you write these?
0:19:07 > 0:19:11And tell me the truth. Did you bully this man online?
0:19:11 > 0:19:12Yes.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16What do you have to say for yourself?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- Sorry.- Don't say sorry to me, say sorry to him.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- It's fine, really, it doesn't matter.- No, it's not fine.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Apologise, please, to the gentleman that you've bullied.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- Wasn't actually bullying, as such. - Sorry.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Thanks.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Good. Now go back to your desk.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34You haven't heard the last of this. See me afterwards.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39- Gay!- OK, sssh!
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Bum chum!
0:19:41 > 0:19:42CHILDREN LAUGH
0:19:44 > 0:19:45Bender!
0:19:47 > 0:19:50'It's water under the bridge. Um, it's all sorted now.'
0:19:50 > 0:19:56Um, I hadn't realised that he was... He'll be fine though, so...
0:19:56 > 0:19:58CHILDREN LAUGH
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Did you destroy him?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Destroy is such an awful term.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Any messages?
0:20:17 > 0:20:21Yes, a woman called, she'd seen the Dwarves For Hire website.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Oh, yeah?
0:20:22 > 0:20:26She said they need a dwarf actor urgently for a week's filming
0:20:26 > 0:20:29on a movie with Helena Bonham Carter.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Really? What's... Where is it?
0:20:33 > 0:20:34Great!
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Shall I use one of those dwarves that complains
0:20:37 > 0:20:40that you always take the best action jobs for yourself?
0:20:40 > 0:20:44No. No, I'll...I'll do this job. They said they needed Warwick Davis, so...
0:20:44 > 0:20:46They didn't specify, we can give it to who we want.
0:20:46 > 0:20:51I know, but if a director says he needs a dwarf to act opposite Helena Bonham Carter,
0:20:51 > 0:20:55then I have a responsibility to all my clients to take that role, you know, cos, you know,
0:20:55 > 0:20:58if I give them any old dwarf, you know, it'll be like,
0:20:58 > 0:21:01"Oh, this dwarf can't act, I'll never use a dwarf again,"
0:21:01 > 0:21:04whereas if I do it, he'll be like, "Wow, Warwick Davis is brilliant.
0:21:04 > 0:21:09"If this is what all dwarf actors are like, I'm going to sprinkle this place with dwarves."
0:21:09 > 0:21:13So, yeah, call 'em back, tell 'em they've got their dwarf.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14Good.
0:21:14 > 0:21:19Huge honour for me to be in a scene with Helena Bonham Carter.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Um, you know, a big thrill.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24And she's a wonderful actress, you know, very talented,
0:21:24 > 0:21:28is Oscar-nominated, and with her in a film,
0:21:28 > 0:21:31it's going to get a lot of attention, which will put me back on the map.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35So... So, yeah, it's a big opportunity for me. I'm very excited.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Stand by.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Action.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Now, I want you to be a brave young man for your father.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53While he's away fighting for Her Majesty, you're to be the man of the house.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- One more time.- Shall I give you the line, then you just do it?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Fear is what makes you a man.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06You cannot have courage without fear.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Brilliant, Danny. One more time, even more scared.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Yes, but fear's what makes you a man.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16You cannot have courage without fear.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18And cut. Check the gate.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20That was lovely. You worked so...
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Beautiful. Cut there.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24OK, we'll see you tomorrow.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Really good.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31- Can we turn round on Helena and find me Danny's stand-in.- Yes, OK.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33I'm a stand-in for a child.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39Yeah, kids can only work a certain number of hours on a film,
0:22:39 > 0:22:44so if they're going to shoot from behind the kid's head, they'll often use dwarves.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47So that means I'm not even going to be in the film.
0:22:47 > 0:22:52I'm just here so Helen Bonham Carter's got someone to look at.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Could have used any old dwarf.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56And action.
0:22:56 > 0:23:01Now, I want you to be a brave young man for your father.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03While he's away, fighting for Her Majesty,
0:23:03 > 0:23:05you're to be the man of the house.
0:23:05 > 0:23:10- Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.- Yes, but fear's what makes you a man.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13You cannot have courage without fear. I want you to remember that.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Then I must be a brave man, for all I feel is fear...
0:23:16 > 0:23:18I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I can't...
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- Cut, cut. What's the problem? - Yeah, I'm...
0:23:21 > 0:23:26- What?- No, it's just like, it's just really hard to act opposite this, given the way it looks.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30I mean, it's a bit weird, I mean, the...the legs don't move the same as Danny's.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34- Yeah, OK, yeah.- Yeah, and I can't have its face staring at me.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36- It?- Can we lose the face?
0:23:36 > 0:23:40- What d'you mean, lose the face? - Can we cover up the face?- Does he even need to be there at all?
0:23:40 > 0:23:42I mean, anything else would do.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45- How about a block of wood? - Block of wood would be great.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49- Block of wood, please.- What about a bin?- Yeah, a bin would be fine. - Oh, yeah(!)
0:23:49 > 0:23:53- Paint a face on it so I've got something to focus on. - Face, please, face on the bin.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57- OK. Thanks. Come on, come on. - All right.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59OK. Great, yeah, that's perfect.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- Do you still need the lines? - Yeah, yeah, get him to do the lines.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04- OK. Thanks, Nobs.- Yeah.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- OK, thank you, just the lines.- OK.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Right, let's go.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09And action.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13Now, I want you to be a brave young man for your father.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16While he's away fighting for Her Majesty,
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- you're to be the man of the house. - Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20- I'm sorry.- Cut, cut.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22What's the problem?
0:24:22 > 0:24:26He's sneaking around back there, I don't know what he's doing. He could be weeing or anything.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28- What?- What are you doing?
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Tell you what, why don't we put him in the bin?
0:24:30 > 0:24:34- Yeah, might be better. - OK, let's put the midget in the bin.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Hang on! No, I'm not going in the bin.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38- Have you got a problem? - It's ridiculous.- Really?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Well...
0:24:40 > 0:24:41You want to get paid?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45OK, let's go again. Stand by.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49And we're rolling. Action.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Now, I want you to be a brave young man.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53While your father's away fighting for Her Majesty,
0:24:53 > 0:24:55you are going to be the man of the house.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- Miss Fairfax, I'm scared. - Yes, but fear...
0:24:58 > 0:25:02- I'm sorry!- Cut. What?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04- Helena?- No, I can't do it like that.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07That's really bad, bad acting. It's horrible.
0:25:07 > 0:25:12Look, I'm not even looking at him and it's still really... I can't.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15All right, no, I've got an idea, I've got an idea, I've got an idea.
0:25:15 > 0:25:20- Nobby, thought you might help. - He'll be fine.- You do the line. - Yeah, thanks.- Why Nobby now?
0:25:20 > 0:25:21Nobs, thanks.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25OK, why don't you just read Miss Fairfax, that's all I need, just read it, OK?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- Stand by.- Do I need to stay?
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Rolling.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32OK, ready, and action.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34I want you to be a brave young man for your father.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38While he's away, fighting for Her Majesty, you're the man of the house.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Miss, Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.
0:25:40 > 0:25:41I'm sorry.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44- Ah, cut, cut, cut! - No... I... He's peering...
0:25:44 > 0:25:46- He's staring at me while I'm doing the scene.- Oh!
0:25:46 > 0:25:49- He must be putting Nobby off. - It is a bit, yeah. - Yeah, and I'm...
0:25:49 > 0:25:54- Don't worry, Nobs, we'll get another go. Don't worry. He's just, um...- Yeah. I know.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- And he smells.- They all smell. - I think you'll find it's the bin!
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- No, no, it's...- Excuse me.- I'll do it. I think I've had enough.- OK.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04- And I know what I can take. - We'll get rid of him, we'll get rid of him.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07- And I'm just on the brink. - We'll do a separate shoot.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- Yeah.- Without the, er... I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13- OK. - Oh, shit, I'm sorry. It's OK.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15OK, that's lunch, folks. Back at two.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Excuse me. Sorry?
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Excuse me.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Right.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37"Do you want to do a day's filming with Helena Bonham Carter
0:26:37 > 0:26:41"for shit money while a fat bloke with a beard does your lines for you, cos you're so crap at acting?!"
0:26:41 > 0:26:42'Crap?
0:26:42 > 0:26:47'Like you're going to get my best acting from inside a bin!'
0:26:47 > 0:26:51If you want me in a bin, you're not getting my best acting as well. It's one or the other.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55Do you want best acting, or do you want me in a bin? You decide.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Fine. So it's, er, lunch.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02Thanks for your help.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- We're in LA Thursday, if you want to do dinner.- Sounds great.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Maybe I should be in the chairman's chair.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Maybe there are testicles down there.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13I haven't got testicles.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15This is the amount we've arrived at.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Oh, the fucking solicitor!
0:27:18 > 0:27:21It was the wrong time for comedy, I know that now.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23THEY LAUGH
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Oh, that is so going on YouTube!
0:27:25 > 0:27:27- You still want to do dinner? - Er, no.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Be awkward, wouldn't it?
0:27:32 > 0:27:35This is bloody horrible. You're making a big mistake.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37You should not have crucified me.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40I ask you, would you use him?
0:27:40 > 0:27:43If I ever wrote The Passion Of The Dwarf, maybe.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46You think that's inappropriate, look at this.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50I like men who give me pleasure, and he gave me a lot of pleasure.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52You ever fucked on cocaine?
0:27:52 > 0:27:57Whoa! Oh, that's going to do her no good at all.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59- Yeah, I wanted to cut it. - Or at least give it a quick trim!