0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:07My name is Warwick Davis. I'm an actor...
0:00:07 > 0:00:10- Yeah, evil toilet dwarf. - '..soon to be divorced.'
0:00:10 > 0:00:14- You don't live here any more. - Still my house. 'I'm an entrepreneur.'
0:00:14 > 0:00:17Give me five grand, just to live on. 'And I've got a massive tax bill.'
0:00:17 > 0:00:20You should do any shit job that comes along, or you will go to jail.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36I am on my way to see a man who's very important to me.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40His name is Bryan, and he's my spiritual counsellor, and life coach.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44And he phoned me and he said, "Warwick, with everything that's going on at the minute,
0:00:44 > 0:00:49"have you been neglecting your spiritual life?" And I said, "Yes, I have."
0:00:49 > 0:00:52And he said, "I knew that."
0:00:52 > 0:00:55And he was totally right, as always.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01- Oh, hello. Well, well, well, long time no see!- Yeah.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Brenda, two teas, please.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Hey, come on. Oi, you two.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Hey, Ying and Yang.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08'Bryan is my...
0:01:08 > 0:01:10'what he calls psychic housekeeper.'
0:01:10 > 0:01:15Sometimes I stand here and I feel like I'm one of the plants, and they're looking after me.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Do you know what I mean by that?
0:01:18 > 0:01:23'He deals with all the sort of spiritual clutter' that accumulates inside me.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24West, east.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25'I told him about the divorce...'
0:01:25 > 0:01:30East - Chinese food, healthy food, tai chi, oxen.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33'..and straight away he said I needed to go and see him...'
0:01:33 > 0:01:37West. You know...McDonald's.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39'..because he needs to feng shui my soul.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42'And you can't argue with that.'
0:01:42 > 0:01:46I love the conservatory, it's great. Hang on, hang on, who's that? Hello?
0:01:46 > 0:01:47I think there's some...
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Somebody's talking. Yeah, what do you want?
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Oh, they've come to say hello, Warwick. Hello.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Hello? Yeah?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Do you know a John?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00John?
0:02:00 > 0:02:04- No.- No? You don't know a John? You don't know any Johns?- No. - OK, right, well, that's...
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Everyone knows a John. Do you know a Jonathan? Jonathan?
0:02:07 > 0:02:12- No.- You don't know any Johns at all? That's mad. That's never happened before. Right. Any Js?
0:02:12 > 0:02:16Any... Anyone beginning with J? Anyone whose name starts with J? Jack?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- Jack?- It's a Jack. Is it Jack?
0:02:19 > 0:02:24Is it Joseph? Joseph? Do you know a Joseph? Do you know anyone whose name starts with J at all?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27No? That's ridiculous. OK. Hold on, hold on, hold on.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Yeah. Oh, yeah. Ah! Dave.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Someone called Dave. You know a Dave? You know David?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35- Dave?- You don't know anyone called David?
0:02:35 > 0:02:40- I've heard of famous people called David.- Yeah, well, say yes, then. Say yes.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- Name a famous David.- David Bowie.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45David Bowie? Well, it's not him, is it? Cos he's not dead.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Name any other David. Another David. No, another name. Simon.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Simon. Simon. WARWICK MOUTHS
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Stuart.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Yeah...um...there was...
0:02:56 > 0:03:00er...a bloke who lived on the same street as my mum and dad. He died. His name was Stuart.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Right. How old was he again?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04- About 60.- 60. Yeah, that's him.
0:03:04 > 0:03:10Bang on. 60-year-old Stuart. He's looking down on you and he's saying, "Hello Warwick. Well done.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13"You're doing really well, you're doing great."
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- What was Stuart's surname? - Doesn't matter.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- Can you ask him?- I'm not going to go round asking people their surname.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23- Why not?- Because it's rude. Can you not just accept who he is? It's definitely him.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26In fact, actually, hang on. What?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Yeah, he's confirming it, so it's definitely him.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33'Bryan's got the gift. I mean, you saw in that reading
0:03:33 > 0:03:34'how the first name he got'
0:03:34 > 0:03:38was an old guy I knew called Stuart. Now, I don't remember him very well
0:03:38 > 0:03:40so he couldn't have been making it up.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45- Right, Stuart says you're worried about something. Is that true?- Yeah.
0:03:45 > 0:03:50- What are you worried about? - Does Stuart not know?- Oh, for...! Warwick, can you not...?
0:03:50 > 0:03:55Sorry, Stuart. No, I'm asking him, Stuart, but Warwick's being a little...
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- Can you just say what you're worried about? What is it? - I'm worried about my tax bill.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Yes, exactly. That's what Stuart thought.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Stuart's saying, "Don't worry about it."
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- Will I pay off my tax bills? - Yeah, course you will.
0:04:09 > 0:04:10It's a lot of money.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12BRYAN CHUCKLES He knows that,
0:04:12 > 0:04:16and he's having a laugh, and he's saying, "You can't take it with you."
0:04:16 > 0:04:19What, I can't take the money or the debt with me?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Oh! He's saying, "Don't worry about it, Warwick."
0:04:22 > 0:04:25OK, what part of, "Don't worry about it," do you not understand?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28OK, can I just ask one more thing? Should I declare myself bankrupt?
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Right, he's saying, "Who am I? Your fucking accountant?"
0:04:33 > 0:04:34OK.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38£60, please.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45I'm wondering whether I should explore a more formal religion.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48I hear a lot of people talk about having a relationship with God.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52'Warwick can choose any god he likes, and when he's chosen a god,'
0:04:52 > 0:04:56I'll look after him while he's alive and the god'll take over when he's dead. It's teamwork.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01I have worked with loads of gods in the past. You know, all the main ones, smaller ones.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I've worked with gods I've never even bloody heard of.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05Good luck to him!
0:05:05 > 0:05:08I will not work with the devil, OK?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11That's the line I draw. The furthest I go is a white witch.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Very happy to work with a white witch.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17And that's not a racial term, OK? By white witch, I mean good witch.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20I don't mean white, good, black bad, cos I love black men...
0:05:20 > 0:05:23People! I love black people.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- Goodbye, Warwick.- Goodbye.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Oh, Warwick, can I tell you this?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30I see you being very happy very soon.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- Yeah?- Yeah.- Someone new is going to come into your life.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Your wife's gone, she's out the picture. So you've got to get back on the saddle.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41You deserve to be one... Oi, sailor boy, come on!
0:05:41 > 0:05:44You deserv... Yes, in, don't cheek.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46You deserve to be one half of a whole,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48and right now you're just a little half.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50You will meet someone.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Oi, I'm talking!
0:05:53 > 0:05:58You will meet someone if you go out and try to meet people.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Do you see? Yeah?
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Interesting, very interesting, very astute.
0:06:04 > 0:06:10You know what Bryan's saying is, I have to be pro-active, like I am in business.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11In business, I'm out there hustling.
0:06:11 > 0:06:16So why am I just sitting back thinking my next lover's going to walk through the door?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18I've got to get out there.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21You have to be in it to win it.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33- MURMURED CONVERSATION - She's nice.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40- Yeah, mine's not bad either. - Right, now play it cool, right?
0:06:40 > 0:06:44I want you to go over there. I want you to say, "Can we join me for a drink?
0:06:44 > 0:06:48"I should warn you, watch out for my friend Warwick, cos he's a bad boy."
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- Why would I say that? - Because women love bastards.
0:06:51 > 0:06:57You don't want to seem all sweet and nice - that gets you nowhere. Tell 'em someone bad, dangerous.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Is it OK if I just...sit down?
0:07:04 > 0:07:09- Yeah, sure.- Cheers. Yeah, I'm Eric. That's...um...
0:07:09 > 0:07:12That's my friend Warwick over there.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16I should warn you, though, he's bad.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- He's what?- He's bad, and dangerous.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23What's so bad and dangerous about him?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28He's a rapist.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31No! No, I'm a racist.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33You're a racist?
0:07:35 > 0:07:39I am a racist, yeah. In the sense that,
0:07:39 > 0:07:44if anything, I prefer you, the darker lady, which, which is unfair on you.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49So, in a sense, I'm racist cos...I'd do you,
0:07:49 > 0:07:54and not you. I mean, if it came to it, I'd probably do the both of you but...um...but...
0:07:56 > 0:07:59You go first.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- Let's go.- Yeah?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09RELIGIOUS SINGING IN LATIN
0:08:17 > 0:08:21The reason I'm here is I'm currently exploring
0:08:21 > 0:08:25sort of different avenues of spirituality.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27I have a few questions if that's OK.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Fine.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Before we start, I want to get this out the way straight away.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35It's a bit awkward, to be honest, but I do need to ask.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Are you a paedophile?
0:08:37 > 0:08:38No, I'm not.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Great. Phew!
0:08:41 > 0:08:45Lot of it about - you see why I had to ask that one. So...
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Catholicism. As I understand it, you can just do whatever you want,
0:08:49 > 0:08:53turn up on a Sunday, say you're sorry and you go, "Well, forget it." Something like that?
0:08:53 > 0:08:57- You're talking about confession? - Yes, yes.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59This is not a licence to break the Ten Commandments.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Yeah, I've been reading up on those.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04The first five are all about Him,
0:09:04 > 0:09:08that's God, and then it kicks in with what you shouldn't do.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12I think there's murder, covet thy neighbour's wife.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16I mean, I wouldn't covet my neighbour's wife, you should see her!
0:09:16 > 0:09:18I wouldn't touch her with yours.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Interestingly, though, kiddie fiddling - it's not mentioned in the Ten Commandments.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26If I was making a list... number one for me, right up there.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28"Thou shalt not touch kids."
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Not even mentioned.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Oooh. Lucky for you lot, eh?
0:09:32 > 0:09:36No, I'm joking. You said you're not and I believe you for now.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38I like a lot of what you're saying.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41If I may take the old rule book, have a flick through that,
0:09:41 > 0:09:43and see if I like the sound of it.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Oh, one final question, and this is a deal-breaker...
0:09:47 > 0:09:48Do you approve of masturbation?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50No.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52I'm out.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11HE WHISTLES
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Excuse me, sir, are you going to buy that mop?
0:10:27 > 0:10:32- No, I'm using it to help me shop. - You can't go round using a mop unless you're going to buy it.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- Why not?- It's been used now, we can't put that back on sale.
0:10:35 > 0:10:40- I haven't used it as a mop. - Put it back and get someone to hand stuff down to you.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I'm not going to have someone hand stuff to me!
0:10:42 > 0:10:45I'm an independent person, trying to shop independently.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49- Then you'll have to pay for that mop. - I'm not going to pay for it.
0:10:49 > 0:10:54- Then you're not going to use it any more.- So what am I supposed to do? Buy a mop every time I go shopping?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56No. Buy one mop, carry it with you.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00I've got to carry a mop everywhere I go on the off chance I might run out of Frosties?
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- It's store policy. - Well, it's ridiculous.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- Oh!- Sorry, that was ridiculous.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- What, you saw that? - It was totally rude.- I know.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11You should complain. I can be a witness or something.
0:11:11 > 0:11:16- Really?- Yeah, yeah. He was just being a jobsworth. - I know. I...- Idiot.- Thank you.
0:11:16 > 0:11:21- Um...sorry, could I just say...? I am a big fan.- Oh!
0:11:21 > 0:11:25- ..of yours. I really love Willow. - Thank you. Nice to meet you. Warwick.- Caroline.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29- Hello.- Cool. Um... Oh, could you just pass me the tea bags actually?
0:11:29 > 0:11:32- Oh!- I was just trying to get those when you came along.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35'You do not expect that, do you, in a supermarket?
0:11:35 > 0:11:39'You pop out for a few essentials, you meet a lovely woman, who's single,'
0:11:39 > 0:11:41who also happens to be a fan.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43- Right, eight...- 172.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47'You get talking. Before you know it, you've swapped bloody phone numbers'
0:11:47 > 0:11:49and I'm meeting her for a drink on Friday.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Bryan said I'd meet someone.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Well, there you go.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- Are these condoms all right for you? - Yeah.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01- You sure they'll fit? Cos it's one size fits all. - Yeah, don't worry about it.
0:12:01 > 0:12:06- Well, we've got to be careful cos you could sue us. Barbara, will these Johnnies fit a dwarf?- Why?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I've got one here.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10- Depends on how big he is. - GIGGLING
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Yeah, big enough, thank you.
0:12:13 > 0:12:19No, they're not for you. I mean, they could be, but what I mean is they're for anyone so...
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Not anyone! Obviously, you know you'd be my first choice,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26but I would never presume, obviously, that that was going to occur.
0:12:26 > 0:12:31You've got to be careful. It's better to be safe, cos there's all sorts of diseases, aren't there?
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Not that I've got unclean... But I don't know about...
0:12:35 > 0:12:37But no! That's what I'm saying.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40You know, we all get stressed about it and I'm...
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Nobody should stress about this. Just let's have fun. You know what I mean?
0:12:43 > 0:12:47So is it...is it on for Friday?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50No? Right. Good. I'll delete your phone number?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Yeah.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Thanks for that! I don't need them now.
0:12:56 > 0:13:01- I've already put them through. - Oh, brilliant. OK, just... Thanks for all your help.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04'She caught me buying condoms. She's upset. Why is she upset?'
0:13:04 > 0:13:08I was being responsible. If we're getting intimate, and I say, "I've got a sheaf here,"
0:13:08 > 0:13:12she'll be like, "Yeah, what a responsible chap, let's get down to it."
0:13:12 > 0:13:17But because it's out in the open now, upfront, it's suddenly embarrassing,
0:13:17 > 0:13:19because a condom is for one thing and one thing only
0:13:19 > 0:13:22and everyone knows what I'm going to do with that.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23I've bought some carrots here.
0:13:23 > 0:13:28That could be to shove up my arse but because no-one knows that, it's not embarrassing.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36The carrot is not for shoving up my arse, let me make that totally clear.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Yeah. Wow.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43- So this is Toby.- Hello.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47- Who actually fixed me up with my first wife, my only wife.- Only wife.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- Sue. I was busy at the time.- Yeah.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Didn't have time to trawl round for a wife so I came here.
0:13:52 > 0:13:58Yeah, I was so proud of finding Warwick a wife, cos, I mean, when he first came in I was like,
0:13:58 > 0:14:02- "Right, here's a challenge, Toby." - All right.- Yeah.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06But it was about six months or so... Sue popped up, didn't she?
0:14:06 > 0:14:10- Yeah.- She was desperate as well. And the rest is history.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- Yes. Well, now I'm back again. - He's back.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18- For an upgrade!- OK. Well, I popped your details back into the system
0:14:18 > 0:14:23- and hit search, and there we go, straight away, the perfect match. - That's Sue.- Do you know her?
0:14:23 > 0:14:24That's my ex-wife, Sue.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Oh, it is Sue, isn't it? Gosh!
0:14:26 > 0:14:30- Sorry. At least it shows the system works.- Not really, because we've split up.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33That's the one person who's proven not to be my perfect match.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37Of all the women in the world, that's the one I shouldn't have been paired with.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40To be honest, it's a very, very old computer.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- Why did it say "perfect match"? - Shortest person on the books.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Well, find the second shortest person on the books.
0:14:45 > 0:14:51- I did. I did show the picture and everything. She does not want to go out with you. Oh, no!- Why?
0:14:51 > 0:14:55- Too short, Warwick. Way too short.- Right.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59- OK.- Let's have a look at some other options. Er...
0:14:59 > 0:15:03- Oh, no way, no way! Um... - Keep going, keep going. No...
0:15:03 > 0:15:06- She's been on the system for years. - Hang on, go back.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- Well, she's all right. Yeah, you know, she's...- Well...
0:15:09 > 0:15:13- She's a stunner, isn't she? - Well, exactly, so...- What?
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Just I've sent her a lot of duffers recently and...
0:15:17 > 0:15:19I just don't want her losing faith in the system,
0:15:19 > 0:15:23- because you could be the straw that breaks the camel's back.- What?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26If I send you round, she's going to get straight on the phone to me,
0:15:26 > 0:15:30- "Why are you palming me off with some midget?" - Don't say "midget", it's offensive.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- Exactly! That's not me saying that, it's her.- Yeah.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37If she's using language like that, you shouldn't be with her. I'm hanging up, mate.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- Is there no-one else?- Not really.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Um... Oh, she just came in.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47- Ah! Oh, yes, OK, brilliant. - She's all right, yeah.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Not bad, eh? Yeah, she's perfect. She's called Amy.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Amy likes... Oh, she works for the council. Not bad.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57- Likes the theatre, eating out with friends, stuff like that.- As do I.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01- Yeah?- Yeah, fix me up.- All right, let's get her back on.- Great.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Amy!
0:16:06 > 0:16:10GENERAL CHATTER
0:16:27 > 0:16:31- Warwick?- Yeah?- Hi, I'm Amy.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32Hello.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42Will you excuse me for a minute?
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Come in. She's a dwarf! She kept that quiet, didn't she?
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Now look at that. See that? There's no clue in that picture, is there? Just a head.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53It should be a full body shot, with her stood next to a matchbox or something.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57You know, like when they show how big a moth is. But, no, no clue there.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Where's the arms?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Sneaky.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Sorry about that.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10All right?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Yeah.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Just...
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Did you know I was a little person, from my picture?
0:17:17 > 0:17:21- Yes.- You did? Yeah, because you could see my head and full body, yes.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25It's all about proportions, isn't it? The old head-to-leg ratio.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28There were no arms and legs in your picture, so nothing to go by.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30What do you mean?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Well, there was no mention you were a little person.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Is that a problem?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38No. Not a problem for me.
0:17:38 > 0:17:43It's just...just seemed strange of you to hide the fact.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- I didn't hide it.- No.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49I just don't want everyone going, "Ooh, she's a sneaky little one.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51"Whenever she can, she hides the fact she's a dwarf."
0:17:51 > 0:17:53- I wasn't hiding it.- No.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Just a bit of a surprise, that's all.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03No more surprises in store, hmm?
0:18:03 > 0:18:07- You weren't born a man?- No.
0:18:07 > 0:18:12Don't want to get you back to my place and suddenly in the throes of passion, a bit of touchy-feely,
0:18:12 > 0:18:16"What's going on down here, love? Either you were born a man or you've been shoplifting offal."
0:18:16 > 0:18:21- I don't think you should assume we're going back to your place.- No, sorry.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Although now you've been so adamant that we're not going home together,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32it makes me think maybe there are testicles down there.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36- I haven't got testicles!- No. Right. And I have a witness to that, right?
0:18:36 > 0:18:39So if I do get off with you, and you do turn out to be a man,
0:18:39 > 0:18:42no-one can go, "I bet Warwick knew it was a man."
0:18:42 > 0:18:46I did not know it was a man, right? Ad I'm not expecting testicles down there.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- SHE LAUGHS - What?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50I can't believe you've just said that!
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Neither can I. I'm so nervous, I'm all over the place.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57We haven't even ordered yet and we're already talking about my testicles.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01I... I don't know what to say. I haven't done this for years. I'm...
0:19:01 > 0:19:05- I normally expect at least a starter before I'm accused of being a man.- Yeah.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- I bet this is the worst date you've ever been on.- No!
0:19:07 > 0:19:10The worst date I've ever been on was a blind date,
0:19:10 > 0:19:15when I answered the door and the guy said, "Euch, it's a dwarf," and I said, "Yes, it is."
0:19:15 > 0:19:19He panicked, saying stuff like, "What can you eat? What time do you have to be in bed?"
0:19:19 > 0:19:23The final straw came when he looked down at me and said, "Is this legal?"
0:19:23 > 0:19:27And I said, "I don't know what this is, but let's call it a night."
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Got lovely eyes.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Oh, thanks.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39MURMURED CONVERSATION
0:19:39 > 0:19:43'I had a good time, had a really good time.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45'She's lovely, she's great.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49'Started off a bit weird. Er...
0:19:49 > 0:19:54'But, you know, the end of the night was really lovely and he's really funny.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58'I've been out of the game a while, but I think after a shaky start,
0:19:58 > 0:19:59'I'll weave my magic, you know.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01'He's really cool.'
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Well, OK, not cool,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06but...um...you know, I like him.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10'I suppose if you've got it, you've got it. It's a bit like riding a bike.'
0:20:10 > 0:20:16Not that Amy's a bike! Not that I can ride a bike - I can't get anywhere near the pedals.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20- But now you know me, anybody I know is one degree.- One degree from me.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24I'd like to sees him again, I'd like to hang out more.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27MURMURED CONVERSATION
0:20:36 > 0:20:41'My initial annoyance when I first saw her was not that I didn't fancy her, but, you know,'
0:20:41 > 0:20:44I don't want people going, "Of course he's going out with a dwarf."
0:20:44 > 0:20:48No, not, "of course". Yes, in this instance, I'm going out with a little person,
0:20:48 > 0:20:51but that could just as easily have been a six-foot stunner.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54You don't know. You know, what I resent is people seeing us
0:20:54 > 0:20:59walking down the street, hand in hand, and going, "Oh, look, that's all he could get."
0:20:59 > 0:21:04It's not all I could get, but it's what I'm happy with at the moment.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16Scientology. Thanks for seeing me by the way.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- If I was to join your cult, would I get...?- We are not a cult.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24- We are a church.- Same thing. If I was to join, would I get to meet Tom Cruise or John Travolta?
0:21:24 > 0:21:29- It's not something we arrange. - You've got a load of American stars. You haven't got many British ones.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33I know you were sniffing round the Beckhams, but you don't want him as a spokesman.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38That squeaky little voice. And Posh Spice, she's no advert for a cult.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42You'd have trouble brainwashing either of them, cos you need a brain to be brainwashed!
0:21:42 > 0:21:47- We are not a cult, and we don't brainwash people.- "We are not a cult and we don't brainwash people."
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Do you have any more questions?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Yeah. This L Ron Hubbard fella, he was the founder, wasn't he?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- That's right. - What does the L stand for?
0:21:55 > 0:22:00- Lafayette.- You do definitely need the L, because just Ron Hubbard...
0:22:00 > 0:22:02I mean, who'd follow a chap called Ron Hubbard?
0:22:02 > 0:22:07Unless he was the captain of your pub darts team, then maybe. But, yeah, stick an L in front...
0:22:07 > 0:22:10L Ron Hubbard. "Ooh, what's the L stand for?
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- "Len? Larry?" - Do you have any more questions?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14"Lionel?"
0:22:14 > 0:22:16'I've looked into a few different religions.'
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Do you own this or is it rented?
0:22:19 > 0:22:24I think I'm going to stay what I was born, which is sort of a vague bog standard C of E.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28Cos you don't have to give anything up, you can drink, smoke, fornicate,
0:22:28 > 0:22:31do whatever you want, and all you have to do is say,
0:22:31 > 0:22:34"Yeah, I believe in God," and you get into heaven.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Suits me!
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Here we go. Off on another date with Amy tonight,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52which is great. She's a lovely girl.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54So, yeah, I'm very excited.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56It's funny how things work out, isn't it?
0:22:56 > 0:23:02Cos that first date started off badly but here we are, round two, so...
0:23:02 > 0:23:06You know, very exciting.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12- Good evening, sir.- Evening. - She's over there.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Thanks.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Sorry, what makes you think I'm meeting that particular lady?
0:23:25 > 0:23:29- Sorry, sir, I just assumed that because she's a...- A dwarf.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- A smaller lady...- Why would you assume I was meeting her?
0:23:32 > 0:23:38- We only have two women waiting for dining companions, sir. - Who's the other lady that's waiting?
0:23:38 > 0:23:39That woman there on the stool.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43Oh! Tall, glamorous lady over there.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45There's no way I could be meeting her, is there?
0:23:45 > 0:23:50- You could be. I did just presume... - What if I just started snogging her? What would happen?
0:23:50 > 0:23:54- She'd scream?- No, not necessarily. Could be lovers, you don't know.
0:23:54 > 0:24:00Shall we try it again? This time, don't presume you know who I'm meeting. OK.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- Hello, sir.- Hello. I'm here to meet a woman.- OK.
0:24:06 > 0:24:11- What is the choice of women I could be meeting?- We have two waiting. - Point them out and I'll tell you
0:24:11 > 0:24:15- which one I'm meeting. There's no way you could know. - The tall lady...- Don't mention size.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17..or there's that lady over there at the table.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21- Oh, yeah, there she is. - OK. So you are meeting her?
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Yes. But do you see my point? There's no way you could know.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- I could have been meeting her. - There's always unlikely.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- What?- Nothing. Will you just take your seat please, sir?
0:24:30 > 0:24:33You don't think I could pull her, do you?
0:24:33 > 0:24:37- She is very attractive.- So? I'm a good-looking bloke.- Mmm. - What do you mean?
0:24:37 > 0:24:41Objectively speaking, of the people that come here, would you say I'm good-looking?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44- Sir, it's not... - Would you say I'm good-looking?- No.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Well, for a dwarf, then?
0:24:46 > 0:24:50- Average?- Oh, come on! Are you joking? Have you seen some dwarves?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Some of them are weird-looking, they look like grubs.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56You're telling me, if that woman over there comes up to you
0:24:56 > 0:25:00- and says, "I'm looking for a man," you wouldn't fix me up?- No.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- Well, why not? - I'd assume she fancied me.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06- Why?- If an attractive woman comes up to me and says, "I'm looking for man,"
0:25:06 > 0:25:10my first words wouldn't be, "There's a horny dwarf over there who's up for it."
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I'd say, "Let me buy you a drink."
0:25:12 > 0:25:16- I can't believe you're worming in on my date now. - I'm not. She's not your date.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19She is.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Yes. Thank you.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Thank you.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30- Hi. How's it going?- Fine.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33- Was there a problem with the maitre d'?- No.- Good.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- Lovely to see you.- Do you reckon I could get off with that bird?- What?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Do you think I could get off with her?
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- The tall glamorous one?- Why mention she's tall? Height isn't an issue.
0:25:42 > 0:25:47No reason why she wouldn't think, "There's a good-looking fella. Wouldn't mind a piece of that."
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- Do you think I'm good-looking?- Yeah.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52- Not just for a dwarf? Generally? - Yes.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Doesn't count cos you're a dwarf.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59- What?- Well, I mean your standards are probably pretty low.- What?!
0:26:02 > 0:26:07She's looking over. Right, just relax, just chill out.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15If she does come over, don't say you're my date, right?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Just say you're my sister.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39Wow! Did you see that? Just... Oh! Didn't quite manage it there.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Ooh! See?
0:26:41 > 0:26:45Get this...get this cleared up, yes? She's going! Bye. Hmm.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Oh! That'll hurt in the morning.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50'Bryan was spot on with the prediction he made,
0:26:50 > 0:26:53'that I was going to meet a lovely girl, go on a date.'
0:26:53 > 0:26:57It's funny, though, isn't it? He left out tiny details - I don't know whether you noticed -
0:26:57 > 0:27:01'the bit about me falling off a chair and pulling everything off the table,
0:27:01 > 0:27:04'smashing glasses in front of a restaurant full of people.'
0:27:04 > 0:27:07And then the girl I like walking off.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Didn't mention that, did he?
0:27:13 > 0:27:15I'm going to bed.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23- Mr Daniel Radcliffe? Would you like to come to a party?- When is it?
0:27:23 > 0:27:27It's this Saturday. Look at this, it's only the beautiful Cat Deeley.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30- Fuck!- How would you kill yourself?
0:27:30 > 0:27:33- Blow all my money on prossies, then gun in my mouth.- Classic.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Difficult for you to hang yourself. You couldn't reach.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39I feel a little bit...frisky.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43- Are you and Cat Deeley an item? - You've rumbled us.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:27:47 > 0:27:51- I was going to ask you guys something.- Mmm?
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Do you think that new jungle game show I did on Channel 5 was a mistake?
0:27:55 > 0:28:00Anyone else would say yes, but it's not a mistake compared with the rest of your career.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02That's what I thought. I thought, "This is a disgrace.
0:28:02 > 0:28:07"But I am basically at rock bottom, career-wise. Let's get the cock out."
0:28:07 > 0:28:08Mmm.