0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:08- We're here to meet my wife.- Ex-wife. - And her lawyer.- Stroke lover.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11We're here to discuss the divorce settlement,
0:00:11 > 0:00:13so it'll be interesting to see what they bring to the table.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15They've probably done it on the table.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17DOOR OPENS
0:00:23 > 0:00:24- Come through, gents?- Yeah.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28THEY WHISPER
0:00:29 > 0:00:33(If they've done it on any table, it's probably this one. Very sturdy.)
0:00:33 > 0:00:34Will you just...?
0:00:34 > 0:00:37OK, having taken everything into consideration,
0:00:37 > 0:00:39this is our initial proposal.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Will you just...?
0:00:42 > 0:00:43Will you...?
0:00:45 > 0:00:46Little arms!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Just lightening the mood.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58I see, yes, basically half of everything.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Let's have a look.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Don't be so fucking childish!
0:01:03 > 0:01:04Get off.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07I'm the fucking solicitor!
0:01:09 > 0:01:11And I'm the client. Such a fucking idiot!
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Give me the fucking paper!
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- So stupid!- Oh, no!
0:01:25 > 0:01:27What a fucking idiot!
0:01:27 > 0:01:30- It was the wrong time for comedy, I know that now.- You...!
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Hello? Yeah, I'm trying to find out
0:01:53 > 0:01:56when my new washing machine's going to be here.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Today, I'm putting my house in order
0:01:59 > 0:02:02and getting the spy hole moved down a bit, there.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- How high do you want it? - Just so I can look through it.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Yeah, getting everything ready in the flat for the big party next Saturday.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13Just waiting to find out where my new washing machine is as well.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14The party...
0:02:14 > 0:02:17in a way is not only a belated house warming,
0:02:17 > 0:02:22but it's also a gift to myself, to say, "Well done, Warwick,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25"for struggling through the tough times with a smile on your face."
0:02:27 > 0:02:29'Also, I met a lovely girl, Amy.'
0:02:29 > 0:02:31What can I say?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33'Yeah, she's terrific.'
0:02:33 > 0:02:34- Those are for you.- Oh, thanks.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36'Our second date didn't go so well,
0:02:36 > 0:02:39'so I've invited her as a chance to make things up to her.'
0:02:39 > 0:02:44- Will you come?- Yeah, all right. I'll see you then.- That's great, thanks.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- See ya.- Bye.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49'Of course, I will be inviting all my showbiz friends,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51'so it should be quite a starry affair.'
0:02:53 > 0:02:55And this may surprise you, but I've invited Sue as well,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58cos I wanted to say to her, "Yeah, even though you're suing me
0:02:58 > 0:03:01"for divorce, there's no reason why we still can't be friends."
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Here's an invitation. You're invited to Warwick's Castle.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06An Englishman's home is his castle.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10My name's Warwick Davis, Warwick's Castle. See what I've done?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12'And I've invited her new guy, just to say,
0:03:12 > 0:03:15'"Fine, you're with my wife now, I'm bigger than that, I don't care."'
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- Did you take the photograph? - Not of the castle, no.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Right, well, technically, that's an infringement of copyright law.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22You need to consult the photographer.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24It's just an invitation.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26And actually, I should warn you, Ian, there will be a lot of
0:03:26 > 0:03:31famous celebrities there from the world of film and TV.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Sue's used to it, from all the years that we were together,
0:03:33 > 0:03:35all the showbiz parties she's been to.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Yeah, I don't want you to panic and clam up,
0:03:38 > 0:03:39just cos they're famous.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Well, I won't, because I probably won't know who they are.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Oh, yeah, you'll know who these people are, trust me.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Just inviting people to the big party.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Working my way through my database of A-listers.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Start with the big boys. Mr Ewan McGregor.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58We worked together on Star Wars Episode One The Phantom Menace.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Got to hang out a lot together. Bloody lovely bloke.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05We were like old friends within a week, and we exchanged numbers.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08That's dead.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Let's try some of the Harry Potter gang. No shortage of big names there.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Mr Daniel Radcliffe? Mr Warwick Davis.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18The dwarf indeed, yeah.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Would you like to come to a party next Saturday?
0:04:21 > 0:04:22My party.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25Hello?
0:04:25 > 0:04:26He's gone.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29There's no way he could have come at that short notice, I mean...
0:04:29 > 0:04:32And by the sound of his voice, he was gutted.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36Miss Emma Watson. Emma? Warwick Davis.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Warwick Davis from Harry Potter? You know, Professor Flit...
0:04:40 > 0:04:41Yeah, the dwarf, yeah.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Would you like to come to a party next Saturday?
0:04:46 > 0:04:49No, there's no appearance fee. Hello?
0:04:51 > 0:04:52She's gone.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55That's it, way too busy, her and Daniel, you see.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58That's what happens. When you're in demand, you just have
0:04:58 > 0:05:00to pick up the phone and, and then answer
0:05:00 > 0:05:03and then just hang up, even if it seems rude.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05PHONE RINGS
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Grint.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10What's Grint?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Oh, it's Rupert Grint. You know, the ginger one from Harry Potter?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15What does he want?
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Hello, Rupert.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Party?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22No, I'm not having a party, no.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Sorry, Rupe, hang on, I just think, I've just seen a...
0:05:27 > 0:05:32a small fire has erupted in my flat and, yeah, I'm going to have to go.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Yes, all right, cheers, bye. Bye.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Oh.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Oh, I mean, I feel bad. I mean, he's a lovely bloke and all that,
0:05:40 > 0:05:41but you don't want Grint at your party.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- That's very good.- Oh.- Look at that.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49- And, look, it's all filled in up there as well.- Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Great. OK, let's give it a dry run. You go outside and ring the bell.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- All right.- That's it.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59DOORBELL RINGS
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Oh.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04I can only see the groin.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06I can only see your groin. It's no good.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08I wondered why you wanted it down there.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- Well, so I could look through it. - Yeah, but you can only see groins.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13I thought I'd be able to look up and see faces.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- No, you can only see groins. - I know that now.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- Well, where do you want it then? - I want it where I can see faces.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- Higher up then?- Yes.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25- About where it was? - In a way, yes.- OK.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38- I've just moved into a new flat.- Oh. - It's lovely.- Oh, good.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Going to have a bit of a showbiz bash to mark the occasion.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Don't know whether you guys might like to come along?
0:06:44 > 0:06:49- Er, when is it?- It's this Saturday. - Oh, definitely not. No, I can't.- No?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- I'm working at Great Ormond Street, Saturday.- It's in the evening.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Yeah, in the evenings, that's what I do,
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Saturday evenings, I work at Great... Don't I?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- Yeah. He does, he does. - Steve's free, he doesn't...
0:06:59 > 0:07:00I'm not, actually.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03No, you've mis-remembered there. I come down with you.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I've remembered they don't want him there,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- cos he turned up once and it scared the children, the face.- Not true.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10They said, "Don't ever bring that goggle-eyed freak near me again."
0:07:10 > 0:07:12The kids would never say that. What they said was,
0:07:12 > 0:07:15"It's that guy from The Tooth Fairy, the kids film.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16"We love him being here."
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Which I saw and was terrified, so please don't bring him in so...
0:07:19 > 0:07:21I've just remembered actually, I just checked the diary,
0:07:21 > 0:07:22you're not going there.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- No, we both are.- We are. - We're both going, so we can't come.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28It is a shame because, you know, it's going to be a great evening.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Oh, never mind.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34But, you know, if your plans change, you know, you're always welcome.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- Door's always open. - One downstairs certainly is(!)
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- See you later.- Cheers.- Cheers.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Make sure he actually leaves the building.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55- How does he keep getting in?- Yeah, he's... Oh!- What? It's Les Dennis.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00And he's brought Cheggers with him.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02DOORBELL BUZZES
0:08:10 > 0:08:12DOORBELL RINGS
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- Who is it?- Washing machine. - At last. Push the door.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24Close the door.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Look at that, some time between nine and five.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31Thanks for being so prompt.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Excuse me. Right, bring it over here.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40There we go.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Hang on, where you going? You haven't plumbed it in.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48- No, we can't.- Yes, you can.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49When I bought it,
0:08:49 > 0:08:51they said you'd take away the old one and install the new one.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53I can't take away the old one, cos it's still plumbed in.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57- Well, unplumb it then.- We can't. - Can you plumb in the new one?- Yeah.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Well, then, it's the same, but in reverse.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02I'm not allowed to unplumb anything. Company policy.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04What was I supposed to do? Get a plumber round
0:09:04 > 0:09:06to unplumb the old one, so you could plumb in the new one?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- Yeah.- Well, that's madness! - Well, read the small print, mate.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12How much do you want to unplumb the old one?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14We can't. We might damage something and you could sue us.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17- I promise, I won't sue you. - That's not legally binding.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19I can't have two washing machines cluttering up my kitchen.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22I'm having a party on Saturday. I've got famous people coming.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25- Are they bringing their laundry?- No. - Don't worry about it then.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26Have your party Saturday,
0:09:26 > 0:09:29get that unplumbed Sunday, I'll be back to plumb this one Monday.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32- What? Some time between nine and five?!- Yeah.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Never mind, I'll do it myself. Thank you.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42How am I going to do this?
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Cheryl, where are you? Can you get over here straightaway?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52It's a domestic emergency.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54No, I'm not trapped in the bathroom again.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01OK. I've unplumbed it. Simple, it's just a couple of tubes.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02You make a good plumber,
0:10:02 > 0:10:06cos you could get in all the little crevices like that, couldn't you?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Yeah, I could, couldn't I?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Something to think about when the acting work dries up for you.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Why would you say that in front of...?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Right, that's done. Now, we've just got to get it out. Um...
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I've got a sack truck downstairs, I'll go down and get that.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Here we go.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Right, you go round behind and tip it backwards.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Right, tip it backwards.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04Yeah. There we go.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Look at that! Easy.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Here we go.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Can't leave that there.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Thank you.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Here, hold on.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Yeah, this looks like a good spot. Perfect.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32It says you can't tip here.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Yeah, well, the plumber said he couldn't unplumb it, but he could.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36I'm sick of these arbitrary rules.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Good.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- Do you want to dump these as well? - What's that?
0:11:47 > 0:11:52They're the instructions. They were inside the washing machine.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53- What, inside that?- Yeah.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56- That's the new one!- I know.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59I wondered why you were dumping that one.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Aaah! Fuck! And you didn't say anything? Ah!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08So, do you want these or not?
0:12:14 > 0:12:15F...!
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Yeah, hello. Is that Rent-a-Star?
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Yeah, I'm Warwick Davis
0:12:28 > 0:12:31and I'm looking to hire some celebrities for a party I'm having.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Yeah, now, I'm looking at your website and
0:12:34 > 0:12:37I see you've got Gary Busey, Daniel Baldwin, Brigitte Nielson.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Do you have anyone that hasn't been in celebrity rehab?
0:12:40 > 0:12:44There will be drink at the party, I don't want any trouble.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Right, there's a page two. Oh, yeah. George Takei, that's Sulu.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52Erik Estrada, yeah, he's from Chips. Who's Antonio Fargas?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Huggy Bear?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57OK, have you got any actors that have actually
0:12:57 > 0:12:59acted in something in the last ten to 15 years?
0:13:01 > 0:13:04No? What about TV presenters? Now, Cat Deeley interests me.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06She's not a drunk or a junkie
0:13:06 > 0:13:09and people under the age of 50 have heard of her.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Yeah, how much would she cost?
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Bear in mind, I'm in the business,
0:13:12 > 0:13:16so what's the best price you can do on Deeley?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28DOORBELL RINGS
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Oh. Come in. Push the door.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36Push it.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- There we are, welcome.- Thank you. - Ah, the great showbiz party.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42I must say, I'm very excited.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44I'm looking forward to all the superstars.
0:13:51 > 0:13:56Well, welcome to the castle. Food's over there. Drinks that way.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Help yourselves. Good.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06DOORBELL RINGS
0:14:09 > 0:14:15Yes! Right, push the door. Come on. Push. That's it. Welcome, come on in.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Shut the door now.
0:14:17 > 0:14:22Here we go, everyone, over here. Look at this, look who it is.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25It's only the beautiful Cat Deeley. Yeah.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29Just another guest at my party, here. Wow.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Here she is. Cat Deeley, everyone.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35That's it.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Not the reaction I thought you'd get, but thanks for being here. Oh...
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- Don't tell people you're hired.- What?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Don't tell people I've paid for you to be here.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- Just say you're one of my showbiz friends.- But how would we have met?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Well, I don't know, some Hollywood party.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Do you go to Hollywood parties?
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Yeah, I go to Hollywood parties, babe, yeah.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Long before you were born.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04So, I don't know, just say you're a big fan of mine. All right?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07- Come on, then. That's it. Mingle, will you? Yup.- OK.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11- Ian, Sue, have you met the beautiful Cat Deeley?- Hello, nice to meet you.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- Nice to meet you.- Hello.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17I still really like that show that you used to do in the mornings
0:15:17 > 0:15:19with Ant and Dec.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23- Oh, thanks. - So, what are they really like then?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Don't really want to talk about those guys.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Cat, can I have word? Just..
0:15:33 > 0:15:34In case you've forgotten,
0:15:34 > 0:15:36I'm paying you an awful lot of money to be here tonight,
0:15:36 > 0:15:39so if people want to talk about Ant and Dec, you talk about Ant and Dec.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Capiche?
0:15:41 > 0:15:42Good, come on then.
0:15:46 > 0:15:51- So, you were talking about Ant and Dec, weren't you?- Oh, it's fine.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52She doesn't mind. She'll...
0:15:54 > 0:15:56What do you think of the show they're doing now?
0:15:56 > 0:16:01- The one in the jungle, is it? I'm A Celebrity...- Yeah.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04- I don't really watch it. - Cat, can I have another word?
0:16:06 > 0:16:08I don't even work on the jungle show.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10- You must have an opinion. - I think it's pretty good.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Well, say that when people ask. God!
0:16:18 > 0:16:19DOORBELL RINGS
0:16:28 > 0:16:29GENERAL CHATTER
0:16:49 > 0:16:55- Hello, Cat Deeley.- Hi. - I am Warwick's accountant.- Right.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- Yeah. Got some other clients as well.- Uh-huh.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Four other clients, no, three.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- No four, including me, cos I do my own books.- Right.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- You got an accountant?- Yeah. - Happy with them?- Very.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Yeah, what if I told you
0:17:09 > 0:17:12you could get away with never having to pay VAT?
0:17:12 > 0:17:16- That's illegal, isn't it?- Yup, it is, you can't get away with that.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Want to go out with me sometime?
0:17:19 > 0:17:23- No.- No? Well, do you want to take my card,
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- in case you need a new accountant? - No.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28No? Nah.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32No, not after asking you out. And the illegal VAT stuff.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36I've muddled things, asking you out and asking for your business.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I should have done one or the other. I always do that. That's my problem.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41I want to make money and I want a shag.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43- I end up getting neither.- Oh.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48- No chance with either with you, did I?- No.- Nah.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Oh.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57Oh. My life. I wouldn't wish it on...
0:17:58 > 0:18:00I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05You know what, sometimes, I think I should just go down to my bank
0:18:05 > 0:18:09and get out all my savings in cash, spend it all on prostitutes...
0:18:11 > 0:18:12..and then kill myself.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Don't think I haven't thought of that many a time.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27- Having fun?- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30So...
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Are you and Cat Deeley an item, then?
0:18:40 > 0:18:44- Why? You're not jealous, are you? - No, no, she's...
0:18:45 > 0:18:47..she's very glamorous.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Look, I didn't want to say too much, but, um...
0:18:54 > 0:18:55you've rumbled us.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- How long's that been going on? - Long enough. Hmm.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Yeah, is it a rebound thing? Who knows?
0:19:04 > 0:19:07But, um, you've still got first dibs on me, but the clock is ticking.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09I just don't want her to get hurt.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- Cat!- What?- Here she is.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- What you doing?- Just putting my arm round you.- Round my leg?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19- Can't reach your waist, can I?- Well, don't.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26She doesn't like public displays of affection.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30But, er, yeah, we are an item.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- You don't tweet, do you?- No. - No, no, it's...
0:19:33 > 0:19:36You know, if it ever got out, eurgh, it'd be a media meltdown and,
0:19:36 > 0:19:37yeah, I don't want that.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Protecting her, really.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43So, um, just, keep it under your hat, yeah?
0:19:53 > 0:20:01- All right, lads? I, er, embarrassed myself with Cat Deeley.- How?
0:20:01 > 0:20:05I asked her out, then started talking about fiddling her tax
0:20:05 > 0:20:07and killing myself.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- All over the place. - Yeah, not focused.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15How would you kill yourself?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Blow all my money on prossies, then a gun in the mouth.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21- It's a classic. What about you, Les? - Definitely pills.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24That's the way I'm going to do it. I've heard you just slip away.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26You've got to be careful, though, that you don't wake up,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29because you can get brain damage and your kidneys can go.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33- What about you?- Just car in the garage, hose on the exhaust.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I've got heated seats, so I'd be comfy.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40- Yeah.- Keith?- Er, best guess for me?
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Probably a wanking incident.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47You know, the old, er, belt round the door handle job?
0:20:47 > 0:20:48Uh...
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Knocking one out.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Orgasm.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Joke.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Dead.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Yeah. Actually, I'm going to change my mind.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02I think that's the best way to go. If you're going to do it, do that.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- Excuse me.- What, you going to knock one out now?
0:21:10 > 0:21:14Yeah. Once I've got that idea in my head, I can't get rid of it.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Oh.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- Lots of TV people, aren't there? - Uh-huh.- Media people.- Uh-huh.
0:21:29 > 0:21:34- It's all very glamorous and creative. - Uh-huh.- You fitting in OK?- Yup.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Don't suppose you've heard the rumour about me and Cat Deeley?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- Who's Cat Deeley? - I introduced you earlier.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45The tall, blonde, you know, she...
0:21:46 > 0:21:48- She's always on the TV. - Oh, I don't have a television.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52- You don't have a TV? - No, just books.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54- Well, if you did...- But I don't.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58If you did, you'd realise she's quite a famous person to be going out with.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59But I don't.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03DOORBELL RINGS
0:22:07 > 0:22:08Push the door.
0:22:11 > 0:22:16- Hi.- Hi, Warwick.- How's it going? - Good, thanks. Nice place.- Yeah.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- Do you want a drink?- Yes, please. - It's all over there. Help yourself.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27No, he's very special...
0:22:27 > 0:22:30All right, Keith?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- You don't tweet, do you?- Yeah, I do.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Oh, no.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38You haven't tweeted that me and Cat Deeley are going out, have you?
0:22:38 > 0:22:39Of course not.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Oh, depends what you've seen.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- You haven't seen me and her together then?- No.
0:22:45 > 0:22:51- You didn't see me touch her legs?- No. - Well, I did. Leg hug.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52I didn't see that.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Well, pay attention then, to what's going on under your nose,
0:22:55 > 0:22:57and if it's of interest, tweet it.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Sometimes, I look at the moon and I do find that
0:23:13 > 0:23:19I feel like when the tides are high and the lunar moon's out,
0:23:19 > 0:23:23I feel a little bit...like...
0:23:23 > 0:23:25frisky.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26Yeah.
0:23:29 > 0:23:34- The guy from Family Fortunes.- Hello, I'm Amy.- Hello.- Hi, Amy, I'm Sue.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38- Hi.- Ian Wald.- Oh, hi, Ian. - Ian, my partner.- Oh.
0:23:38 > 0:23:43- How do you guys know Warwick?- I used to be married to him.- Oh, that's...
0:23:43 > 0:23:48- And I'm suing him.- Yeah. - Effectively.- OK.- He's my solicitor.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Supervising the divorce.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53That must save you a bit of money, going out with your lawyer.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55- No, I'm still paying him, you know. - Well, yeah, but we'll get it back.
0:23:55 > 0:24:00- Oh.- So, how do you know Warwick? Do you work with him?
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- No, we just met through a dating agency.- Dating agency?
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Been on a couple of dates, which have been quite eventful.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07This is our third.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08That's strange, Warwick,
0:24:08 > 0:24:10cos I thought you were going out with Cat Deeley?
0:24:10 > 0:24:13What?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15That's what you said, isn't it?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18You're going out with Cat Deeley?
0:24:23 > 0:24:29Yeah. Yeah. Um. Er...
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Should have probably said something, um, but, yeah.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35Me and Cat are, kind of, but, but look, come on, babe.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37You knew when you got involved with me
0:24:37 > 0:24:40you were dealing with a player, didn't you?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43And, er, don't hate the player, hate the game.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48OK, er, I'll give you a holler, yeah?
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Sorry, Warwick, did I put you in it?
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Nah.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Yeah, we had a few laughs, but, you know,
0:25:02 > 0:25:05I never said she wouldn't get hurt.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09Chick like Cat Deeley comes along, you have to say bye-bye.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11But, you know, same thing could happen to Deeley.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14I could home one day, Deeley's there,
0:25:14 > 0:25:17"Hi, Warwick, I made your favourite dinner. Spaghetti Bolognese."
0:25:17 > 0:25:19"Mmm, lovely. By the way, I'm sleeping with J-Lo,
0:25:19 > 0:25:21"you're moving out tomorrow."
0:25:21 > 0:25:26Cat? Do you find it difficult being in LA half the year?
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- I mean, do you miss Warwick? - Do I miss Warwick?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- Yeah, is it hard to maintain a relationship?- Relationship?
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- Yeah, we don't use that word. - What do you mean, relationship?
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Yeah, we don't use that word, so let's not repeat it.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Sorry, I thought you were going out with Warwick?
0:25:40 > 0:25:45- Why did you think that?- Er... Been some rumours.- How did they start?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47I don't know, but let's just leave this now, shall we?
0:25:47 > 0:25:50I've already sent one girl home crying, I don't want any more tears.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54- Have you been telling people that we're going out?- Er...
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Excuse me, everybody. Can I have everybody's attention, please?
0:25:58 > 0:26:02Um, has anyone heard the rumour that I'm going out with Warwick?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Put your hands up. Show me, put your hands up.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10Well, it's totally unfounded. It's ridiculous.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14I would never go out with Warwick Davis. Is that clear?
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Everyone, is that completely clear?
0:26:17 > 0:26:18ALL: Yes.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22OK, thanks for coming, everyone, party's over.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Deeley's thrown a strop.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Everyone out.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- Cat, can you keep the noise down? - Can I go yet?
0:26:52 > 0:26:54No, I paid you till midnight.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Wasted five grand on her.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01- Look at that.- What's that on my shoe?
0:27:02 > 0:27:05It's a pilchard.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Yeah, I was hungry, so I opened a tin of pilchards.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10I couldn't work your microwave, so I had to eat them cold.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12This day couldn't get any worse.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Cat, get a mop.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34- It won't happen again.- But I feel like it will happen again, Warwick.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36It won't, I promise.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38- Are you satisfied? - Yes. In every way.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41No need for smut. Give me five grand, just to live on.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43It looks like my fortunes
0:27:43 > 0:27:44are turning.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48What does an event like this mean to you?
0:27:48 > 0:27:49It means I can't be at home
0:27:49 > 0:27:51in my pants getting drunk.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Not many people get the chance to delight Sting, do they?
0:27:53 > 0:27:56- Warwick hasn't bid yet. - Sting grassing me up.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03- I'm here with Big Keith from The Office. Keith...- It's Ewan.
0:28:03 > 0:28:04Sorry?
0:28:04 > 0:28:09Big Keith is just the character name, I'm actually nothing like him.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13Sorry, Ewan, of course. So, does this charity mean a lot to you then?
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Good. And, obviously, it's a great cause.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28And you'll be hoping that the auction raises a lot of money?
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Yes.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35OK, great chat, thanks very much for that.