0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language
0:00:04 > 0:00:07Hi, Amy, er, it's Warwick here. I just want to say sorry
0:00:07 > 0:00:11about what happened at the party the other night. Um, I'm an idiot.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Give us a call back sometime.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Thanks, bye.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44This is the amount we've arrived at.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51- Bloody hell.- It's like looting!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53We feel it's a fair reflection of what Sue is owed,
0:00:53 > 0:00:57given your years together and the sacrifices she's made.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00- Sacrifices?- She gave up her career to help with yours.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03She didn't do a very job, cos his career's at rock bottom.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Don't say that. What career did you give up?
0:01:05 > 0:01:07I wanted to be a nurse.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Oh, come on! Do we really need any more nurses, really?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13And you're not cut out for that sort of work.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15I am, but you didn't want me to do it
0:01:15 > 0:01:18because you thought it would be bad for your image.
0:01:18 > 0:01:23Well, it would have. You can't have a film star whose wife spends her days emptying bed pans.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26You don't see Brad Pitt with a wife who's a nurse.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29"Hi, Brad, how's it going?" "Fine. I just won an Oscar."
0:01:29 > 0:01:32"How's Angelina?" "She's great. She's just sticking a pill
0:01:32 > 0:01:34"up an old man's arse." It's ridiculous.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Whatever your feelings, we'll give you 48 hours to consider,
0:01:37 > 0:01:39or we shall have to take you to court.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48Your face...when he said...
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Oh... Sorry.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01It's a little bit awkward, this.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Um, I don't want to put you on the spot
0:02:04 > 0:02:07but I'm getting a bit desperate.
0:02:07 > 0:02:12I wonder if you could maybe give me say five grand, just to live on?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15You know, treat it like a charity donation.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17But you're not a charity, Warwick.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21As good as, you know. Got no work, no money.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23You know, I am a charity case, really.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27I know you do loads for charity so just, just treat me as one.
0:02:27 > 0:02:32I do do a lot for charity. I've raised millions this year already.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Steve, though, doesn't do anything, ever.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36He could probably give you five grand.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Let me tell you the problem there, let me tell you the problem.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42I've got a blanket rule about never giving money to...
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- Anyone.- To anyone.- Yeah. - Friends, family.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- Loved ones.- Loved ones. You know what I mean,
0:02:47 > 0:02:50anyone I've ever encountered, so...
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- I give too much away.- Too generous. - I'm too generous.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- He's not generous, he's a skinflint.- Nothing.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59You won't get anything out of him. There's nothing we can do.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00I don't know what I'm going to do.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Oh, Warwick, come on, you can't go round begging for money.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07You're an actor and a businessman.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10I know, there's just no work. I mean, the phone has stopped ringing.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- I bet your phone is always ringing. - Yeah, and I hate it.
0:03:13 > 0:03:18It's usually someone asking me to do something I don't want to do. I've got to do a thing for Sting
0:03:18 > 0:03:21next week, hosting a charity auction, because he calls
0:03:21 > 0:03:23and I can't say no cos it's for charity.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Just cos he wants to save the world, we've all got to.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28And I bet he's going to bring his fucking lute.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32- He's never without it these days, is he?- Always with his lute.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35I know. I had a party last year, right, and invited him, OK.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38I said to the cloakroom staff, if he brings his lute, take it off him,
0:03:38 > 0:03:42say you've got to have it. So he came with it, they took it off him,
0:03:42 > 0:03:45he was a little bit crest-fallen, and we're sitting round,
0:03:45 > 0:03:49and he was fidgety, and after about half an hour,
0:03:49 > 0:03:52out of his top pocket, he'd smuggled in some pan pipes.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54So he played those, so I couldn't win.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Be grateful the phone's not ringing. It might be Sting.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Oh, I'd love to meet Sting.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- Right.- Is there a way you could get me an invite to that event?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Yeah, I'll get someone to get in contact with you.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07When did you have a party?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- I knew you'd say that. You were away.- Where was I?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13You were down in Bristol, um, you had that sore throat
0:04:13 > 0:04:15so you went home to your mum for a whole week, so that's...
0:04:15 > 0:04:20It was way more than a sore throat, it was a proper major tonsillitis attack, like barbed wire in there.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- You couldn't have possibly gone to a party.- Nasty.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26- It'd be nice to be invited. - Your mum wouldn't let you go,
0:04:26 > 0:04:30- not with that...- It'd be nice to be invited and then say, "Sorry, I can't make it."
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Just doing a typical day's admin.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48What's that letter you've got there?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50It's a letter from the offices of Sting.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Wow! From the offices of Sting? Oh, please read it.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Out loud!
0:05:01 > 0:05:04"Dear Warwick, as you may know, I'm an ambassador
0:05:04 > 0:05:06"for the Global Child Institute, the anti-poverty charity
0:05:06 > 0:05:09"that works for the world's poorest children."
0:05:09 > 0:05:13- I wasn't aware of that, Sting, thanks for telling me. - "I'm hosting a dinner
0:05:13 > 0:05:15"to raise money and awareness for our cause.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17"I'd be delighted if you could attend."
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Course I'll attend. Not many people get the chance to delight Sting.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22"It'll be a fun evening,
0:05:22 > 0:05:25"giving you the chance to mingle with the stars
0:05:25 > 0:05:27"while supporting the vital work of the Institute.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- "Yours, Sting."- Huge honour.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33That's one of the perks of fame.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37I suppose all the other stuff, the press intrusion,
0:05:37 > 0:05:39the paparazzi, being under the microscope 24/7,
0:05:39 > 0:05:43you know, it's worth it when you get something like that.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Someone that you admire says "Yes, I'm also a huge fan of your work,"
0:05:46 > 0:05:48and invites you to dinner.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52- It's £300 a ticket. - Three hundred pounds?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Yeah.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56What an honour, though. Huge honour.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00And if Sting personally invites you to dinner, who cares what it costs?
0:06:00 > 0:06:03I don't think he's invited you personally.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06It's just a standard letter, isn't it?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Look, that's his signature there, isn't it?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11He's signed it and there's my name written in,
0:06:11 > 0:06:14amongst the typing. And three hundred pounds,
0:06:14 > 0:06:16you'd expect to pay that in a top restaurant.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20- I wouldn't.- They wouldn't let you in a restaurant that charges £300,
0:06:20 > 0:06:23so don't worry about it. Here's a cheque.
0:06:23 > 0:06:28Get that in the post, please, and frame that.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30It says you need that to get in.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33That's what I need to get in.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Yeah, hi, Amy, it's, it's Warwick again.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45I've left a couple of messages, don't know if you got them.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49I'd really like to talk to you, so give us a call back.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51OK, bye.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Oh, did I say it was Warwick?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04You have to cut back. You can't afford three grand for the flat.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08- I need somewhere to live.- Yeah, but you've got to downsize. I'm serious.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11You owe the taxman a quarter of a million pounds.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15- And this £300? What's that all about? - That's a ticket to a charity night.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- Charity? Oh!- It's important, all that stuff, you know,
0:07:18 > 0:07:23it's good for networking. There'll be film and TV people there.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Raise the profile, and if I get a job off the back of it,
0:07:25 > 0:07:28a good film role or something, then we're home free.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Well, you know, I'm glad you're still smiling. Got to smile, haven't you?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34If you didn't, you'd hang yourself.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- Then you wouldn't have all these debts.- Mm.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Mm. Would you be better off dead, financially? Yes.
0:07:41 > 0:07:46Don't listen to me, though, I got you into this mess. (CHUCKLES)
0:07:46 > 0:07:51Be difficult for you to hang yourself, cos you couldn't reach the rafters to hang a rope up, so...
0:07:51 > 0:07:54- Odd thing to say, isn't it? - It's a bit of no-no, isn't it?
0:07:54 > 0:07:57- Definitely.- You could put your head in the oven.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- What?- You could get IN the oven, put the gas on, close the door,
0:08:00 > 0:08:01nice and cosy.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07You could do pills. Oh, no, they have those little childproof lids.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Take it off for you, the least I can do.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13I'd probably balls that up, wouldn't I? Oh dear!
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I'm useless, aren't I?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- Aren't I?!- Yup.- I'm the one who should kill myself, really.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Tell you what, let us know when you gas yourself,
0:08:21 > 0:08:23I'll come round and get in with you, eh?
0:08:26 > 0:08:31Oh! Mm, I'm actually getting genuinely depressed now.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Oh, I'm going to be like this for a couple of days, I think.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Oh, I hope I'm not like this when I go to the divorce court.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43I'll probably just go, "Oh, give her the lot, I don't give a shit."
0:08:46 > 0:08:50Good. Thanks for this little pep talk(!)
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- ANNOUNCER:- Ricky Gervais.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Our host, Sting.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- Can I see your invitation, please, sir?- It's Warwick Davis.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21I need to see your letter of invitation.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24It's Warwick Davis, actor. Can you just check your list, please?
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Jill, is there a Warwick Davis on the list?
0:09:27 > 0:09:32- Where's your invitation?- I haven't got it, staff have lost it.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35- You need it.- I haven't got it, but I have paid £300,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38- so do you have a record of that? - Yes, there's a Warwick Davis
0:09:38 > 0:09:41on the list, but how do we know that's you?
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Look at my face.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44- What about it? - I'm a famous actor.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I don't know you from Adam. Do you have ID?
0:09:47 > 0:09:51- I don't have ID, didn't know I needed ID.- It says on the invite you need ID.
0:09:51 > 0:09:56I haven't got the invite, have I? Put Warwick Davis into Google.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58What's the first website that comes up?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00"Warwick Davis: Where Is He Now?"
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Not that one, that's just some prats.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Look at the Internet Movie Database.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06"I met Warwick Davis and he's a total bell end."
0:10:06 > 0:10:10- Don't go to the forums! Why are you in the forums?- I think it's him.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13I mean, look at these comments. Who'd pretend to be him?
0:10:13 > 0:10:15- Look at that one.- Jesus!
0:10:17 > 0:10:22- I can see what they mean though. - Yes, the head. Oh, let him in.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24What's the worst he can do?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Thank you.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- Sophie Ellis-Bextor.- Hi, guys.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- Sophie, over here, please. - Over here, Sophie.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Warwick Davis.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Hot in here, innit?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55It is hot, yes. Phew.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02OK, guys, got enough?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04- ALL:- Yeah.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Don't get me on the way out. I'll be worse for wear then!
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Warwick, thank you so much for your support.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58Nice to see you.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01I know you probably do loads for charity already.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04- Yeah, hell of a lot.- I don't want to miss this opportunity
0:12:04 > 0:12:08of asking someone like you, with your showbiz millions, for a favour.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12- Yeah?- What are the chances of me getting you to sponsor a child in India?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Yeah. Yeah, not a problem.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15This is Kalindi.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Great. Yeah. What, what's the usual donation?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20- Five pounds a month. - Five pounds? Yeah, sure.
0:12:20 > 0:12:25I would think, with your money, £30 a month would be more appropriate.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29- Thirty pounds?- Warwick, £30, we spend that on daily pedicures!
0:12:29 > 0:12:33- Definitely. Yeah.- Well, sometimes when we earn big money,
0:12:33 > 0:12:34we have to give a little back.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Quite a lot back, let's be honest, thirty quid a month.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42- I just fill that in here, do I? - Right here, yeah.- Ah, yes, I see.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44(CLEARS THROAT) Let's see...
0:12:44 > 0:12:46(Just filling it in...)
0:12:52 > 0:12:55How long would you sponsor a child like this for?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- Usually till they're eighteen.- Eighteen?
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- How old is she now?- She's seven.
0:13:02 > 0:13:07Seven? Wow! A lot of them don't live till they're eighteen, do they?
0:13:07 > 0:13:08That IS the tragedy.
0:13:08 > 0:13:13Mm. So she might not last till she's, I don't know, twelve?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16- Well, with your help, she will. - Will she?- Mm-hmm.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Good. That's good, isn't it?
0:13:21 > 0:13:22OK.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Um, what are the big killers out there?
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- Dysentery.- Dysentery.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33So, you know, she could get dysentery any time and,
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- and that's...- Well, again, not with your money.- Really?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- We can supply her with clean water.- Good.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42So she's not going to die, which is obviously good news for her,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45and I'm going to end up giving some kid I've never even met £30
0:13:45 > 0:13:48a month till she's eighteen,
0:13:48 > 0:13:51so four grand down plus the £300 I spent on a bit of beef.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54It's another good day for me(!) Where do I sign, Stingbo?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Just there.
0:13:56 > 0:14:01- ANNOUNCER:- Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ricky Gervais. - Thank you, thank you.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05Yes, thank you very much and welcome to this charity auction,
0:14:05 > 0:14:10which basically means that anything you bid for you'll pay about five times as much as it's worth.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13That's all that that means. Right, let's get on with it.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16OK, this is a big, slimy purple thing.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20- Is it Charlie Sheen's liver? - LAUGHTER
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Start the bidding at £100. £100.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Thank you. Anyone two hundred?
0:14:25 > 0:14:29Thank you. It'll look good on you. What I am bid? Six hundred.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Seven hundred.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Yes, a thousand pounds from the lady at the back.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38- Thank you so much. - APPLAUSE
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Next up, here's a nice one.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50Eleven thousand pounds!
0:14:50 > 0:14:53APPLAUSE
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Gentleman at the back there, thank you, sir.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00This is the last lot.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02This is a meal for ten people at a top,
0:15:02 > 0:15:06Michelin-starred restaurant in Mayfair.
0:15:06 > 0:15:11- ALL: Ooh!- Yes. OK, so anyone who hasn't bid yet?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13This little fellow hasn't bid yet. What's your name?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- Warwick Davis. We've met. - Warwick hasn't bid yet.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Sting, grassing me up. You're not actually in the police, you know.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- Start at five hundred? - £50, surely, to start with?
0:15:23 > 0:15:27- You know, work our way up. - Five hundred.- One thousand.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- Well done, very generous, that's terrific.- £1,500, Warwick?
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- You said bid, you didn't say I had to win.- Are you in?- He's in.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38- Sting, getting involved again. - £2,000.- £2,000, thank you. £3,000?
0:15:38 > 0:15:42It was going up in 500s a minute ago, now it's 1000s. Can we have some consistency?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Four thousand, Sophie?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46No, sorry, I'm out.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48What do you mean you're out? Come on, let her have it.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Look how thin she is, she could do with the meal more than me.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54It's on Warwick at three thousand. Going, going...
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- Just like my money.- Gone! - APPLAUSE
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Good. Wife's getting me house,
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Sophie Ellis-Bextor's stitched me right up
0:16:08 > 0:16:11and little Kalindi's loaded now.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14There's always some skinny bird bleeding me dry.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- Hello.- Oh, hello.- I'm Warwick.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30Nice to meet you, Warwick. Congratulations on your winning bid.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Just wondering if perhaps you wanted to join me for the dinner.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35That's really sweet of you.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- Ten places and everything, so... - I really appreciate it,
0:16:38 > 0:16:42- I'd love to, that's lovely.- That's terrific.- Can I bring my husband?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- So there'll be two of you?- Yeah.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Broken down, it's £300 per ticket, so, that'll be £600,
0:16:47 > 0:16:49and that's at cost. I'm not making anything.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- Sorry, you're charging me? - Yeah, I mean, it's just...
0:16:52 > 0:16:55You know what, take people that you really want to be there.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Your mum, she was my favourite Blue Peter presenter.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Nice to meet you.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Michelin-starred restaurant. Three hundred pounds.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09- You're selling them? - You're selling it now?- £300 each.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12I'm not making anything on that, that's cost price to both of you.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14I'd love to have you there.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18It's not offloading! It's really just sort of sharing the generosity.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- Three hundred pounds per seat. - Warwick, can I have a word with you?
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- Course you can. - I don't know how to broach this,
0:17:24 > 0:17:27but I've been told you've been bothering people for money.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30I've not been bothering people, I've been collecting for your charity.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34No, as I understand it you've been asking people to donate to you.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38- It's still going to charity. - I'm grateful for your contribution,
0:17:38 > 0:17:40but you're asking for money for yourself.
0:17:40 > 0:17:45- I'm trying to recoup my losses.- It's inappropriate to scrounge money.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47You're the one scrounging if anyone is.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51I spunked £300 to get in here, three grand on a meal I don't even want,
0:17:51 > 0:17:54and four grand to some kid in India so she can live better than me.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55I mean, it's madness!
0:17:55 > 0:17:58I'm sorry you feel that way but you can't go round scrounging.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Oh, take your lute and your stupid made-up name
0:18:01 > 0:18:05and fuck off back to Newcastle, you coconut-headed git!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07GUESTS' CHATTER STOPS
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Oh, NOW they're taking pictures!
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Fucking Sting! His real name's Gordon!
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Yeah, that's it.
0:18:45 > 0:18:50So, had to move out of my flat for various reasons.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54- You can't afford it, can you? - Can't afford it because of you.
0:18:54 > 0:18:59But, yeah, well, I've got a prime location here
0:18:59 > 0:19:02so I thought I'm going to use it and popped a bed in over there.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- That is pathetic. - You're pathetic.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10What are you doing?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- Nothing.- You can't move in here.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- Well, why not?- Because I'm the landlord and I say so.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- It's my office.- It's a place of business, not a squat.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- What, I can never sleep here?- No.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24What if I was working late and I felt tired
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- and I just went over to my bed? - Not allowed.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29What if I was working late and fell asleep at my desk
0:19:29 > 0:19:31but I climbed on it first?
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- No sleeping here. You have to get your stuff out.- Brilliant!
0:19:34 > 0:19:36OK, well, saves me unpacking, doesn't it?
0:19:36 > 0:19:40Now officially homeless. Cheers, mate.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42What are you looking at?
0:19:42 > 0:19:46You can stay at my mum's house if you like.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49There was a time about a week ago when I'd have sneered at that
0:19:49 > 0:19:52but yeah, I'll take you up on that offer, thanks.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Mm.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55Excuse me.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Fuck's sake!
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Happy?
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Hiya.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- Hi.- I called a few times, probably didn't get the message.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29No, I did.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Weren't going to call back?
0:20:33 > 0:20:37- I'm sorry, it won't happen again. - But I feel like it will happen again.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38It won't, I promise.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42I have to go.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Please call me.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Maybe.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Please call.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07Finally, it looks like my fortunes are turning.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11- You explain, it was your... - Yeah, well, I felt I wasn't
0:21:11 > 0:21:15really pulling my weight, so I've been burning the midnight oil
0:21:15 > 0:21:17and went through my old law textbooks.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Yeah, he studied one term of law school.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24Yeah I did, still got the books. That one hadn't even been opened!
0:21:24 > 0:21:27I read through them and I found something.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31- A juicy little detail.- Yeah, juicy little detail in this one.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35The Law Society Guide to the Professional Conduct of Solicitors.
0:21:35 > 0:21:41Principle 15.5, "A solicitor who becomes involved
0:21:41 > 0:21:44"in a sexual relationship with a client should consider
0:21:44 > 0:21:48"whether this might place his interests in conflict with those
0:21:48 > 0:21:51"of the client, or might otherwise impair the solicitor's ability
0:21:51 > 0:21:54"to act in the best interests of the client."
0:21:54 > 0:21:56What we're talking about here, people,
0:21:56 > 0:21:58is a major conflict of interest, OK?
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Ian Wald is sleeping with my wife AND acting as her solicitor.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05- It's not on.- Not on. - So in about an hour, right,
0:22:05 > 0:22:08we've got another meeting, to sign the divorce settlement.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Going to go in there, I'll take a look at it
0:22:11 > 0:22:13and I'll say um, "Sign here do I?
0:22:13 > 0:22:16"Oh, lovely pen, shame it ain't going to be used today,
0:22:16 > 0:22:19"cos I'm draging you in front of the Solicitors Complaints Bureau.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22"You're getting disbarred for unethical behaviour."
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- Someone just messed with the wrong midget.- Correct.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Dwarf, you can't say midget.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30- Why not?- I don't know.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40Yes, that's, er, that's fine.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45Everything seems to be in order as we discussed.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Do you have a pen?
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Thank you.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Nice pen.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- It is a nice pen.- Lovely pen.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03It's just a shame it ain't going to be used today.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Do you hear that?
0:23:16 > 0:23:20It's the sound of justice slicing through bullshit.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26I put it to you that your relationship with your client is not purely professional
0:23:26 > 0:23:30but has become one of a romantic and sexual nature.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34- What has this actually got to...?- Objection.- Overruled.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36- Don't overrule me!- Sorry, that's a knee-jerk reaction.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39If I hear objection, I say overruled.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Didn't even get that from law school, I got it off the telly!
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Sir, I ask you again, would you characterise your relationship
0:23:45 > 0:23:48with your client as being one of a sexual nature?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Yes, but it's not relevant.
0:23:50 > 0:23:55It's not relevant? May I refer you to exhibit A?
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Where's the post-it?
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Oh, sorry, there was some chewing gum I had to get rid of.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03I can see where you're looking.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05- How!- All the greasy thumb marks.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Oh, yeah, from my fish and chips! He's like Sherlock Holmes!
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Right, so you are aware of the Law Society's Guide
0:24:11 > 0:24:15- to the Professional Conduct of Solicitors?- Yes.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18"A solicitor who becomes involved in a sexual relationship
0:24:18 > 0:24:21"with a client should consider whether this places his interests
0:24:21 > 0:24:26"in conflict with those of his client or might otherwise impair
0:24:26 > 0:24:30"the solicitor's ability to act in the best interests of his client."
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Case closed! How do you plead?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Warwick, my client isn't you, it's Sue,
0:24:37 > 0:24:40so there's only a conflict of interests if she says there is.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- Do you feel there's a conflict of interests?- No.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46- No. So this is irrelevant. - Ah, ha-ha, of course.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49She's his client, you're mine. Yeah, that makes sense. My bad.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Oh well, it was worth a try. No skin off my nose!
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Do you have another one of these to sign cos I ripped this one up?
0:25:13 > 0:25:14There.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39So, that's settled then.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41We came to an agreement.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43She's got half the house and she bought my half
0:25:43 > 0:25:46which all went straight to the taxman to pay that off.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49So, financially, I'm at nought.
0:25:49 > 0:25:54No money, no house, no work to speak of.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Not bad for 41 years on this earth, is it?
0:25:58 > 0:26:00CHUCKLES
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Why is that funny?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03You're so serious!
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- I just lost everything. - LAUGHS
0:26:08 > 0:26:10(Such an idiot.)
0:26:16 > 0:26:17This is your room.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22There's not much space.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26It's sort of a spare room. We dump all of our junk in here.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29- There's no bed. - No, I know. No room, too much junk.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45HE BURPS
0:26:52 > 0:26:56It really annoys me when I see famous people interviewed
0:26:56 > 0:27:00and they get asked, "Any regrets?" and they say "No, no regrets.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02"I'd do it all again exactly the same."
0:27:02 > 0:27:06I wouldn't, I'd change a lot. I wouldn't have the phone stop ringing
0:27:06 > 0:27:09after the big films dried up, for a start.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12I love acting.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15I wouldn't have my marriage fail, I regret that.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18It hasn't been easy being three foot six, if I'm honest.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22I've had to fight every step of the way.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24But my biggest regret at the moment
0:27:24 > 0:27:26is surely that I'm living in a drawer.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29I could never have predicted that.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35PHONE RINGS
0:27:35 > 0:27:36It's Amy.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41Hello?
0:27:43 > 0:27:46No need to be sorry. It's me that should be saying sorry.
0:27:48 > 0:27:49It's good to hear from you.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55No. I'm fine, yeah. Just staying at Cheryl's at the moment.
0:27:55 > 0:28:00You know my assistant, yeah? No, she's let me use the spare room.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04No, it's fine, it's comfortable.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06So how are you doing?
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:33 > 0:28:36E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk