0:00:02 > 0:00:03XYLOPHONE PLAYS DOWN SCALE
0:00:03 > 0:00:05This programme contains strong language.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09XYLOPHONE PLAYS DOWN SCALE
0:00:14 > 0:00:16XYLOPHONE PLAYS DOWN SCALE
0:00:18 > 0:00:21HE LAUGHS Welcome to Limmy's Show.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25MUSIC: "Oxygene (Part IV)" by Jean Michelle Jarre
0:00:30 > 0:00:33You're watching Adventure Call.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37My name is Falconhoof and I will be your guide on your quest.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Greetings, Line 3, what is your name, traveller?
0:00:40 > 0:00:43'All right, Falconhoof, my name's Robbie.'
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Greetings, Robbie, and are you ready to begin your quest?
0:00:47 > 0:00:48'Aye.'
0:00:48 > 0:00:49Very well, let us begin.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Wait for me!
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Ah, Jingle, will you be joining us?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Yes, Falconhoof, no adventure is complete
0:00:57 > 0:01:00without jingle hat and jingle feet.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Then I better introduce you.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Travellers, meet Jingle, the jester.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Greetings, travellers. I am Jingle.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Quick of wit, I'm fast and nimble.
0:01:11 > 0:01:16Many jokes and many quips have passed between my funny lips.
0:01:16 > 0:01:22By poking fun and making merry, our journeys won't be half as scary.
0:01:22 > 0:01:28So don't be timid, don't be nervous, Jingle's 'ere, at your service.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32'Kill jester.'
0:01:35 > 0:01:37OK, let us begin our quest.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40You are standing outside Castle Voldesade.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43It is surrounded by a moat.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44The drawbridge is up.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47To your right is a small tree.
0:01:47 > 0:01:53I have heard to make the bridge go down, there is a lever, look around!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55What would you like to do?
0:01:55 > 0:01:56'Kill jester.'
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Jingle is our friend, she is here to help us.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- 'So, she'll be here for the whole quest, aye?'- Yes.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05'To gi' us advice and tell jokes an' that?'
0:02:05 > 0:02:06Yes.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- 'For the whole quest?'- Yes.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11'Kill jester.'
0:02:11 > 0:02:13But if you kill Jingle, you won't be able to...
0:02:13 > 0:02:16'It's my money. It's my game. Kill her.'
0:02:16 > 0:02:17- But...- 'Dae it.'
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Jingle is dead.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Game over.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40There is now no way to...
0:02:40 > 0:02:42'Well worth it, mate, well worth it.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44'Get rid of her, she's shite.'
0:02:44 > 0:02:47HE HANGS UP THE PHONE
0:02:47 > 0:02:48Let's take another call.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56MUSIC: "Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom" by Vengaboys.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21DRAMATIC MUSIC STARTS
0:03:32 > 0:03:35DRAMATIC MUSIC STOPS
0:03:39 > 0:03:42DRAMATIC MUSIC STARTS
0:03:47 > 0:03:49HEAVY PANTING
0:03:49 > 0:03:52DRAMATIC MUSIC STOPS
0:03:58 > 0:04:00DRAMATIC MUSIC STARTS
0:04:06 > 0:04:08HE SCREAMS
0:04:13 > 0:04:15CHEERING
0:04:26 > 0:04:29'Fucking...up all night,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31'watching the telly.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33'Usual.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36'Sun comes up, so it's time to get the heid doon.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39'Just ready to crash oot when Jeremy Kyle comes on.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43'Looked like a good one so I sets it to tape.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45'And oots I go like a light.'
0:04:48 > 0:04:50'So it gets to midnight
0:04:50 > 0:04:52'and I wake up pure chokin' for a joint,
0:04:52 > 0:04:54'pure looking forward to my Jeremy Kyle.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56'Goes to stick it on.'
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- Do you know what we're going to do today?- Fuck's this?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01'Went and recorded the wrang channel.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04'Ended up recording some weans' programme.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05'Bird was like that,
0:05:05 > 0:05:08"We're going to make a spaceship fae cardboard boxes
0:05:08 > 0:05:09"and fly to the moon."
0:05:09 > 0:05:11'I was like that,' aye, right.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14'But then I starts getting tuned into it.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16'Starts getting ideas.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20'And a wee voice in my heid says,' "Dee Dee, we're daeing this.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23"We're going to the moon."
0:05:24 > 0:05:25"We're going to the moon...
0:05:25 > 0:05:27"the night."
0:05:27 > 0:05:28'So I pauses it.'
0:05:29 > 0:05:31'And I batters oot.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35'And I raids the bin shelters for cardboard boxes.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37'Managed to get a belter o' a box,
0:05:37 > 0:05:40'the kind of cardboard box you could build a real spaceship fae,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43'never mind a pretend one made oot of cardboard box.'
0:05:44 > 0:05:47'Anyway, I gets back to Cape Canaveral
0:05:47 > 0:05:49'and we're ready for launch.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52'But no' before I've had some rocket fuel.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56'A banana skin, triple-tardis bucket, upside doon on my couch.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58'Nae need for a spaceship,
0:05:58 > 0:05:59'I was already on Pluto.'
0:06:00 > 0:06:04'But I gets in anyway, as captain of the Starship Dee Dee...
0:06:06 > 0:06:07'..fucked oot my nut.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10'Pressed play on the remote and the bird was like that,
0:06:10 > 0:06:11"Right - three...
0:06:11 > 0:06:12"two...
0:06:12 > 0:06:13"one...
0:06:13 > 0:06:14"liftoff."
0:06:14 > 0:06:17'I was like that,' Here!
0:06:17 > 0:06:20'Bird was like that, "Look below, at all the people. They're tiny."
0:06:20 > 0:06:21'And they were.'
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I've lost the plot, man.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28'Then she's like that, "Look oot, Martians!"
0:06:28 > 0:06:32'Pair o' us trying to shoot these daft wee Martians
0:06:32 > 0:06:35'but I was no use tae man nor beast in my state.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36'Then she goes, "We're nearly there.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39"We just need to get through the asteroid belt."
0:06:39 > 0:06:41'I was like that, "You're joking."
0:06:41 > 0:06:43'If I thought it was going to be this much hassle going to the moon
0:06:43 > 0:06:46'I would have just stayed on Pluto.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48'But then she goes, "We've made it!"
0:06:48 > 0:06:50'Looks aroon' and there it was...
0:06:52 > 0:06:54'..the moon.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57'I gets oot, starts walking aboot like an astronaut...
0:06:58 > 0:07:00'..played a bit of golf...
0:07:02 > 0:07:05'..took big jumps that went on for ever.'
0:07:07 > 0:07:09'Bird was like that, "Right, let's go back home now."
0:07:09 > 0:07:12'I was like that, "Yous go ahead,"
0:07:12 > 0:07:13'and I switched the thing aff.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17'And I went travelling the galaxy mysel',
0:07:17 > 0:07:19'taking in the sights,
0:07:19 > 0:07:21'investigating new civilisations...'
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Who's he? '..and new technologies.'
0:07:25 > 0:07:27'I even bumped into this guy fae Neptune
0:07:27 > 0:07:29'but I wisnae fighting with him.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30'We were organising stuff,
0:07:30 > 0:07:32'treaties and that.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35'And he told me that the woman on the telly got it wrang
0:07:35 > 0:07:38'cos the Martians are dafties and aren't even in space yet.'
0:07:38 > 0:07:40I thought she was making that up.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43'Anyway, I saw the sun rise again so I bid him farewell.'
0:07:43 > 0:07:45See you later, right?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47'I set the controls for Earth
0:07:47 > 0:07:50'and I put mysel' into suspended animation.'
0:07:52 > 0:07:55'And when I woke up, I was back.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57'Home sweet home,
0:07:57 > 0:07:59'back on terra firma...
0:08:02 > 0:08:03'..till next time.'
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Here, how annoying is this?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10VERY QUIET CHATTER
0:08:10 > 0:08:11No' annoying at all, eh?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14How aboot if I play this...
0:08:14 > 0:08:16MUSIC STARTS
0:08:16 > 0:08:17..and I start daeing this?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24And look like this.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27This is pretty annoying, isn't it? The hat, the top, the whole thing.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Aye, this is pretty annoying.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31How aboot if I start daeing this?
0:08:34 > 0:08:35And this.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39And occasionally dae this.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45And just to top it all aff, I dae this.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47HE LAUGHS
0:08:54 > 0:08:56That's pretty annoying, isn't it?
0:08:56 > 0:09:01TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Any of yous into Westlife?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Westlife? Nah.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Naw, I know, I used to think they were pish an' all
0:09:09 > 0:09:11but I got dragged along to one of their...
0:09:11 > 0:09:13one of their concerts one night.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16I was all the way down the front row, next to the speakers.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Honestly, man, see the base that came oot the speakers
0:09:18 > 0:09:20when they played Uptown Girl, I was like that...
0:09:22 > 0:09:24"I get it now, man.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26"I get it, now."
0:09:26 > 0:09:27Good, by the way. Aye.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Some banter on them an' all, mate.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33I'm going to say something to you right now
0:09:33 > 0:09:36that I've never said to another living soul in my life.
0:09:36 > 0:09:41HE MAKES NONSENSICAL NOISES
0:09:49 > 0:09:50All right, mate?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52All right?
0:09:52 > 0:09:53You lost?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Lost? No, mate, cheers.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59It's just you don't look like you're fae roon' here, you know?
0:09:59 > 0:10:00I'm no', just passing through.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- What's that in your bag? Is that a laptop? Aye?- Aye.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07I wish I had a laptop, man.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Ah, you're no' missing much.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12You can dae half the stuff on the phone nowadays, can't you?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14You wouldnae miss it then, eh?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I wouldnae say that. I've got quite...
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Gi's your fucking laptop.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20- Don't, mate.- I'm no' your mate.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Gi's your laptop.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24I'll tell you what...
0:10:24 > 0:10:27How aboot I gi' you something more valuable than the laptop?
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Like what?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31My time.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32I don't want your time.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I want your laptop!
0:10:34 > 0:10:36And I'll have your phone an' all.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37I know you're hurting.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39What?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I know you're hurting.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Don't try tae work me oot.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44Am I wrang?
0:10:44 > 0:10:47You've got to be hurting to dae what you're daeing - robbing people.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Robbing them of stuff that's important to them,
0:10:49 > 0:10:51knowing how much that'll hurt them but no' caring.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53I think the only way you can live with that
0:10:53 > 0:10:55is because people have hurt you.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58That they didnae care so why should you, eh?
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Well I care, mate.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02All right? Take the laptop.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Take the phone an' all, I can always replace them. But talk tae us!
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Tell me how you got into this mess.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09You never know,
0:11:09 > 0:11:10might just help you oot o' it.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15All right.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18What have I got to lose?
0:11:20 > 0:11:22It was aboot five year' ago,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24I had this big falloot with my stepda'.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27Like,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30getting this couch he got aff his brother.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Carrying it alang and gets a bit knackered, you know,
0:11:34 > 0:11:37like, "We'll stop for a wee break."
0:11:38 > 0:11:40So, we were sitting doon
0:11:40 > 0:11:42and we're chatting away,
0:11:42 > 0:11:44getting on brand-new.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Then after aboot three or four minutes...
0:11:57 > 0:12:00WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Margaret!
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Margaret, get him to come o'er to you!
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Get him to come o'er to you.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Pull it oot, Margaret.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Pull it oot.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Yeah!!
0:12:47 > 0:12:50HE SCREAMS
0:12:54 > 0:12:56# Come on, let's work
0:12:56 > 0:12:58# Let's work this to the bone
0:12:58 > 0:13:00# Come on, let's work
0:13:00 > 0:13:02# Let's work it to the bone
0:13:02 > 0:13:04# Come on, let's work
0:13:05 > 0:13:07# Come on, let's work
0:13:09 > 0:13:11# Come on, let's work
0:13:13 > 0:13:16# Come on, let's work
0:13:16 > 0:13:19# That's the way it oughtta be. # MUSIC STOPS
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Margaret!
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Margaret, put it in your mooth.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Put it in your mooth!
0:13:33 > 0:13:36In, in, in, in, in, in, in, in!
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Yeah!!
0:13:41 > 0:13:45'And, if you've been affected by any of the issues raised in tonight's programme,
0:13:45 > 0:13:47'you can call the number the bottom of your screen.'
0:13:53 > 0:13:57- 'Hello.'- Hello, is this the number to phone if I've been affected by any of the issues in...?
0:13:57 > 0:13:58'Yes, it is.'
0:14:00 > 0:14:01Right...
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Well, I've been affected by some of the issues in tonight's programme.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- 'Oh, sorry to hear that, sweetheart.'- Yeah.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09'OK, thanks for calling.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12'Bye for now.'
0:14:12 > 0:14:14All right. Bye. PHONE CALL IS ENDED
0:14:33 > 0:14:35HE WHISTLES
0:14:36 > 0:14:40MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Thank you. Thank you.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Hello, my name's Raymond Day and welcome to Paraside.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55OK, let's see where the spirit takes us.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59OK, can someone understand, please?
0:14:59 > 0:15:04I have here a lady, a lady who quite recently passed to spirit.
0:15:04 > 0:15:09An elderly lady who, during her time this side of life,
0:15:09 > 0:15:12used to keep quite a lot of flowers around her home.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16I mean, a lot of flowers. This was like a greenhouse, almost!
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- You understand this?- Aye.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23OK, because she's telling me that she used to love
0:15:23 > 0:15:27all the plants you would bring over but, oh, she hated those daffodils!
0:15:27 > 0:15:30You see? She's showing me, like, her grave
0:15:30 > 0:15:32and someone's put daffodils there and she's like,
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- "Oh, get them away from me." - That'll be Steve.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36- Aye.- All right, OK.
0:15:37 > 0:15:42She's now showing me, or doing this kind of action.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45A kind of shushing away action.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49Like she's shushing away, like, a mouse or a rat or...
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Did she ever had any phobias at all?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53She was quite agoraphobic.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55She couldnae go oot much.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57No, no, this is like a phobia of some kind of...
0:15:57 > 0:16:00like a creepy crawly of some kind.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02She didnae like daddy-longlegs'.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04She was petrified of them.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05I see...daddy-longlegs.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Bit of a scaredy-cat, your mum, wasn't she?
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Aye!
0:16:09 > 0:16:10I'm only kidding.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12She sounds lovely, your mum.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15But I'm starting to realise why, now, that she's daeing this
0:16:15 > 0:16:17shushing away action.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22It's not really a memory from this side of life.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26But rather something she's experiencing, at this very moment,
0:16:26 > 0:16:28on spirit side.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32And the only explanation for that is...
0:16:32 > 0:16:34and there's no nice way to put this...
0:16:36 > 0:16:37..she's doonstairs.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41They've put her doonstairs.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44She didnae make it.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46She cannae be.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47She never had a bad bone in her.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Well, they don't stick them down there for nothing, pal!
0:16:50 > 0:16:52LAUGHTER
0:16:52 > 0:16:53No, she is doonstairs
0:16:53 > 0:16:57because these creepy crawlies you said she's afraid of,
0:16:57 > 0:16:59what are they called?
0:16:59 > 0:17:01- Daddy-longlegs.- Daddy-longlegs.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03She's covered in them.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Because when I first saw her,
0:17:05 > 0:17:08I thought she was wearing a sheet, like a ghost, you know, to give me a wee fright.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12But no, it's because she's covered top to toe with these things.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14And they're biting her.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16They're really biting her.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19And these are wounds that will never heal
0:17:19 > 0:17:22because she is doonstairs.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24And, what was that other thing you said she was scared of?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- You said she was scared to go somewhere?- She was agoraphobic.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- She was scared to go oot. - Scared to go out?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31They're making her go out...
0:17:32 > 0:17:33..looking like that.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35So that's her punishment...
0:17:38 > 0:17:39..for ever.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42OK, I'll leave the love with you.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44OK, thank you.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49HE LAUGHS
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Cannae get much more annoying than this, eh?
0:17:53 > 0:17:54How aboot this?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Oh, sorry, mate.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01HE LAUGHS
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Or this?
0:18:03 > 0:18:04HE BURPS
0:18:07 > 0:18:10HE BURPS AGAIN
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Or this?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18HE BURPS THEN LAUGHS
0:18:20 > 0:18:21Oh, sorry, mate.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26It's aboot as annoying as it gets.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Dae any o' yous watch Coronation Street?
0:18:35 > 0:18:36What?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Do you watch Coronation Street?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Aye, sometimes.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43It's getting brilliant right now, isn't it?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I don't know, I don't know, mate. I don't watch it enough.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Aye, it's getting pretty good right now.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51There's that storyline with what's-his-name...
0:18:53 > 0:18:54..what's-his-name...
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Here, any of yous watch Coronation Street?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- She's turned the weans against us. - Shh, here he comes.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25She's turned the weans against us.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28She's turned the weans against us.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34She's turned the weans against us.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37She turn the weans against you, mate, aye?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Aye, she's turned the weans against us.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45If you are a cat owner, you might sometimes wonder,
0:19:45 > 0:19:49dae you own the cat or does the cat own you?
0:19:51 > 0:19:54It's you that owns the cat, you daft bastard.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03PHONE RINGS
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Hello, reception.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Cathy, I will be flying down to the shareholders' meeting tomorrow
0:20:08 > 0:20:11so could you ensure that you book me a taxi for the airport, please.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12- No problem.- Thank you.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19SPEECH INAUDIBLE
0:20:23 > 0:20:25OK.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26OK, this is it. You knew this was coming.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Just get your act together, here they come. Um...
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Hi, officer, how can I help you?
0:20:32 > 0:20:36"Um, Mr Mulvaney, yesterday, were you in the vicinity of..."
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Yesterday, yes, I believe I was travelling through
0:20:40 > 0:20:42that area on my way to a business meeting.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Why, what is it that's happened?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46"Well, Mr Mulvaney,
0:20:46 > 0:20:48"an incident occurred whereby... such and such."
0:20:48 > 0:20:51I see. Well...
0:20:51 > 0:20:53like I said, I only passed through that area.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57Sorry I can't help you. I didn't see anything. I hope you catch the guy.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01"Well, Mr Mulvaney, the witness has came forward
0:21:01 > 0:21:03"and identified you as a..."
0:21:04 > 0:21:05I beg your pardon?
0:21:07 > 0:21:08You think I did this?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12You're accusing...you're accusing me?
0:21:13 > 0:21:14Of being a shoplifter?!
0:21:16 > 0:21:18This is ludicrous.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22What exactly...what exactly is it I'm supposed to have...uh...
0:21:22 > 0:21:23pinched?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28A Kinder Surprise?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Cathy, what the hell is a...
0:21:32 > 0:21:36You're accusing me of stealing a chocolate egg with a toy inside?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38OK, I don't know who... Name and number, officer. Both of you!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Cathy, take note of this. Name and number.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42How dare you come into my office and accuse...?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44PHONE RINGS
0:21:50 > 0:21:51- Cathy.- 'Hi.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53'That's your taxi booked for 9am tomorrow morning.'
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Thank you.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Cathy, did I just see a couple of police come in here, earlier?
0:21:57 > 0:21:58'Yes, you did.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01'They were asking Mr Cruickshanks to turn off his car alarm.'
0:22:01 > 0:22:03OK, I see. Thank you.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09This stops now.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28'My name's Jacqueline McCafferty.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31'I lost three year' of my life on heroin
0:22:31 > 0:22:33'and another five year' on a methadone programme
0:22:33 > 0:22:36'that was meant to get us aff it.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40'So when I found oot that Marti Pellow was going to be signing copies of his new solo album,
0:22:40 > 0:22:42'I was there in a heartbeat.'
0:22:42 > 0:22:44CHEERING
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Marti! Marti!
0:22:45 > 0:22:47'Cos Marti Pellow's my hero.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51'When I was going through recovery, he was my inspiration.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55'I knew that if he could get through it, I could get through it.'
0:22:55 > 0:22:56I fuckin' love you, man.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59All right.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03All right, Marti?
0:23:05 > 0:23:06My name's Jacqueline McCafferty.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09You've got nae idea how much of an inspiration you are to me, mate.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13It must be amazing being such an inspiration to so many people,
0:23:13 > 0:23:15so many junkies all round the world.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Cos we've been to hell and back.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Naebody knows you like I know you. You know what I mean?
0:23:19 > 0:23:22I lost three year' of my life to heroin.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24- And another five year' to meth... - Aye.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26It's a... it's a time I want to forget, Jackie.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31So, what dae you want me to write in the album?
0:23:31 > 0:23:37Aye, going to put, "To Jacqueline, we got through it the-gether."
0:23:37 > 0:23:38Nae bother.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Don't worry. I'm no' going to go and tell the papers we were shagging or anything like that.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44I just mean that you were a junkie an' all.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46We got to the other side the-gether, know what I mean?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49So what were you daeing anyway? The papers didnae say.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50Were you tooting it or was it the whole thing?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Were you jagging or...
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Look, I don't want to talk aboot it, Jackie.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57How no'? What, are you ashamed of it? I'm no'.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Well, to be honest, aye, I am.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02It's nothing to be proud of
0:24:02 > 0:24:04and I'd rather leave it in the past, where it belongs.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08- And maybe you should as well. - Oh, I should be ashamed of mysel'?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10- I didnae say that.- Aye, you did.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12- No, look, Jackie, I didnae say that. - Don't Jackie me.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14My name's no' Jackie. It's Jacqueline. All right?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17All right, Jackie...Jacqueline.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Look, there's other folk waiting so...
0:24:19 > 0:24:21I mean, I don't want to talk aboot my past.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22I'm just here to sign the CD.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Oh, get me to fuck, eh, Marti?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Your other wee fans haven't got a clue aboot you
0:24:26 > 0:24:28and I'm the only dafty that gets you and you're chucking me oot?
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Aye well, Marti, you can run away fae your past
0:24:31 > 0:24:32but you cannae run away fae me.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33I'm here to remind everybody!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35You were a junkie!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37A junkie! A junkie! A junkie!
0:24:37 > 0:24:39I know you better than anybody, Marti.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40He was a junkie!
0:24:43 > 0:24:45'I got up the road, stuck his poxy, daft wee CD on,
0:24:45 > 0:24:48'couldnae listen tae it for any more than a minute.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50'His voice is fuck all what it used to be.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51'Cos you know what?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53'He's better aff on the smack.'
0:25:00 > 0:25:01Oh, sorry.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04HE LAUGHS
0:25:04 > 0:25:06This really is as annoying as it gets, eh?
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Well, how aboot this one last thing?
0:25:09 > 0:25:13THEY LAUGH AND BURP
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Imagine something like this, eh?
0:25:17 > 0:25:19True story.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Margaret.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24You enjoy that, aye? You enjoy that?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27That's your nephew! MUSIC AND CHEERING STOPS
0:25:27 > 0:25:29That's your nephew, Margaret.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Aye, call me a cow?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46What? What are you going to dae aboot it?
0:25:52 > 0:25:54It's just a dummy. It's no' real.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Deal with it.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Here, any of yous want a game of I Spy?
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Nah, mate.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Nah, it's cool. I'll play mysel'...play mysel'.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Right, eh...
0:26:23 > 0:26:27I spy with my little eye, something beginning with...
0:26:27 > 0:26:28wallpaper.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55# A church house ginhouse
0:26:57 > 0:26:58# A schoolhouse outhouse
0:27:00 > 0:27:03# On highway number 19
0:27:03 > 0:27:05# The people keep the city clean
0:27:06 > 0:27:07# They call it Nutbush
0:27:09 > 0:27:10# Oh, Nutbush
0:27:12 > 0:27:14# Call it Nutbush city limits
0:27:18 > 0:27:20# 25 was the speed limit
0:27:22 > 0:27:23# Motorcycle not allowed in it
0:27:25 > 0:27:26# You go to store on Fridays
0:27:28 > 0:27:30# You go to church on Sundays
0:27:31 > 0:27:33# They call it Nutbush, a little old town
0:27:33 > 0:27:35# Oh, Nutbush
0:27:37 > 0:27:39# They call it Nutbush city limits. #
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the show.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48I hope you've enjoyed it, catch you later.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd