0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08Welcome to the party, to friends and family and welcome to the odd person
0:00:08 > 0:00:11that's maybe having too much of a good time.
0:00:11 > 0:00:15That's a shame, especially after the year he's had.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21Welcome to Christmas. Welcome to Hogmanay.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Welcome to putting on three stone in two weeks.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome...- Oh, risky. Risky.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35What?
0:00:35 > 0:00:38No, it's just, it's just good to hear you calling it Christmas
0:00:38 > 0:00:41cos, you know, you can't call it Christmas any more.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Got to call it Winterfest.
0:00:43 > 0:00:49Winterfest, you know, in case you offend, the, eh...you know?
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Not that I, not that I've got anything against them, you know.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55They don't get offended. I spoke to one. I asked him, you know.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Here, yous are all looking at me as if I'm a...
0:00:59 > 0:01:03I'm no a... Would I have spoken to one if I was?
0:01:03 > 0:01:06It's your, it's just your PC correctness gone mad, isn't it?
0:01:10 > 0:01:11Och, I don't know.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Ladies and gentlemen, welcome...
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Excuse me. Is this Craig's house?
0:01:19 > 0:01:22- You what?- Is this Craig's house?
0:01:22 > 0:01:23- No.- I told you!
0:01:23 > 0:01:26- Right. Come on you, move! - Och, shut up.- You shut up!
0:01:26 > 0:01:27- You shut up!- You shut up!
0:01:32 > 0:01:38Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Limmy's Show Christmas Special.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41DISCO MUSIC PLAYS
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Welcome back to our Christmas edition of Adventure Call.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59My name is Falconhoof and I will be your guide on your quest.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Tonight, many have come to vanquish Voldesade
0:02:01 > 0:02:05in the hope of claiming the reward of £5,000, but, alas,
0:02:05 > 0:02:06they have left empty-handed.
0:02:06 > 0:02:11However, we have time for just one more caller. Will you be our hero?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Greetings, line one. What is your name, traveller?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15You, you're joking, is it me?
0:02:15 > 0:02:16I can't believe it.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Indeed, it is you. What is your name, traveller?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21It's James. See, I can't believe it, hen, I'm on.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23It's all down to you, James. You are our only hope.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- Defeat Voldesade, and you will win the £5,000.- Oh, I hope so, mate.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Oh, you have got no idea how much I could do with that money.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31You know how it is this time of year,
0:02:31 > 0:02:35you just want to put a smile on your weans' faces, you know what I mean?
0:02:35 > 0:02:36I understand.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40I've spent a fortune trying to get through, you know. I just hope...
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I could just really do with that money. Sorry.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Please do not apologise. I wish you the best of luck tonight
0:02:45 > 0:02:49and, if I may say, you deserve it, mate - traveller.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51We at Adventure Call have been very fortunate
0:02:51 > 0:02:55to receive many calls over the year and I feel we owe something back.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58I feel it's only right that I do everything I can
0:02:58 > 0:03:01to guide you tonight to put some Christmas cheer back in...
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Get on with it, please.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- OK. Are you ready to begin your quest?- Oh, aye. Aye.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- Very well. Good luck, my friend. - Cheers.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12You awake in Voldesade's labyrinth.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15There are paths to your north, south, east and west.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17What would you like to do?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Eh, go north.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21I would advise you to head east, traveller.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25- Oh, oh, right, right. East, then. - You go east.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33- You arrive...- You're not allowed to help them, idiot.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36James, I'm afraid that, despite it being Christmas,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- I cannot give you any assistance. - No bother, mate.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Very well. So, you arrive in the castle tower.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46There are stairs leading up and stairs leading down.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- What would you like to do? - Eh, go down.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Go down.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Sorry, traveller, I didn't quite catch that.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- Go dow... Oh, aye, go up. - You go up.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03This better be the last time you help the caller.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04It's your last warning.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07James, I'm afraid I really cannot give you any more help,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10despite it being Christmas, so please be careful.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13I understand, mate. Don't worry about it.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14I'll be fine. I'll be fine.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18I hope so. The stairs lead up to the castle parapet.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20There is a locked door.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Next to the door is a sleeping goblin.
0:04:22 > 0:04:27Hanging from his belt is a sword and a set of keys.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- What would you like to do? - Punch goblin.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- You want to punch the goblin? - Aye.
0:04:33 > 0:04:38- The very big goblin, the one with the sword?- Erm...
0:04:38 > 0:04:42The sleeping goblin with the keys, next to the locked door?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Ah, I get you. I get you.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48- Eh, take keys from goblin and open the door.- Very good.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- You open...- If you help the caller one more time
0:04:50 > 0:04:52this is going to come straight out your pocket.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Yes, but it's Christmas.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Sorry, traveller.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Och, here...
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Traveller, I have been informed by our elves
0:05:00 > 0:05:03that if I assist you any further in getting the £5,000 treasure,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06it will come straight out of my pocket.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Oh, right. Just leave it then. Just leave it, mate.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11No, James. No. I said I would help you and I will.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13It's Christmas. Now, would you like to go through the door?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- Aye, but...- You go through the door.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- Would you like to turn the gargoyle's head?- The what?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21The secret wall slides open and leads you to Voldesade.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- Would you like to fight him? - I think so, aye.- No need.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27He takes one look at you and drops dead from fright.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29- James.- Aye?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- You have won!- You're joking! You're joking!
0:05:32 > 0:05:34You've won, you've won, you've won!
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Thanks, Falconhoof. Thanks.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Merry Christmas, James. The £5,000 is yours.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Stay on the line and one of our elves will take your details.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46So, how are you going to spend the money?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49You'll finally be able to give your family the Christmas they deserve.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Oh, I don't know, mate. I don't know.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52See, I've just bought my son an Audi TT,
0:05:52 > 0:05:57- so maybe I'll be able to get him alloys as well, you know.- What?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00I said I'll maybe afford to get him the alloys now, you know,
0:06:00 > 0:06:02the fancy wheels. Four grand just for wheels,
0:06:02 > 0:06:04what a show off, that boy.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- But I thought you needed the money. - Oh, I do, mate.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09We're all off to Florida on Monday, second time this year, you know.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13- But money doesn't grow on trees, you know what I mean?- Florida?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Oh, amazing place. You been?
0:06:16 > 0:06:20You been tae Florida, mate? Oh, suit yourself.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21CALLER LAUGHS
0:06:21 > 0:06:25- Good night, everyone. - I won!
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Are these the trainers? Did you get the trainers?
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Did you get Adidas? Are they Adidas?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Maybe Santa got you them. You'll have to look and see.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43No, these have got four stripes. They've got to have three.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46- Adidas have got three.- Aye, these are better. They've got four.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- Ungrateful wee bastard. - They're all going to laugh at me.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Well, just you laugh right back
0:06:50 > 0:06:53cos they've only got three stripes, and you've got four.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54They're all going to laugh at me!
0:06:54 > 0:06:57That's it, they're going to the dump. They're all going to the dump!
0:06:57 > 0:07:03- You're a bastard of a boy. A bastard of a boy.- No, no, no!
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Argh!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12No. You see, the thing with Joanie is...
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- Are you pals with Joanie? - Limmy, look.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Ho-ho-ho!
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- Who is this guy? Is he with any of you? ALL:- No.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Were you trying to knock something, mate?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- Did you think we'd all be out, aye? - What's he wearing?
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Don't know. Looks like one of the prison jumpsuits, doesn't it?
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- He's escaped.- Check this.- Sweeties?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- It's for the children. - Sweeties for the weans?
0:07:45 > 0:07:46What, are you looking for weans
0:07:46 > 0:07:49before you get stuck back in the jail, you dirty bastard?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52No! No!
0:08:03 > 0:08:06DRAIN GURGLES
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Aye, so the thing with Joanie is... Are you pals with Joanie?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15'Fucking...Christmas Eve.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18'I was watching...fuck knows.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21'Phone goes.' PHONE RINGS
0:08:25 > 0:08:29- Who's this?- All right, Dee Dee, it's Freddie, your nephew Freddie.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32All right, Freddie? Long time, no hear. What's happened?
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Nothing's happened.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Well, I got married, actually, and we're having
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- a wee housewarming/Christmas dinner tomorrow, that type of thing.- Aye.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41So I phoned your dad, he's coming,
0:08:41 > 0:08:43but he said good luck in trying to get you to come,
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- said you like just keeping yourself to yourself and that.- Aye.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50But, honestly, it's not a big do, just friends and family.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- It'd be good for everybody to see each other again.- Aye.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- So you into it?- No.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57All right. But at least think about it,
0:08:57 > 0:08:59and I'll give you a phone in the morning, all right?
0:08:59 > 0:09:03- All right, I'll think about it. - Cool. Speak to you later.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06'So, I thought about it and I thought...'
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Nah.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09'And I conked out.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12'Then about an hour later, I gets woke up...'
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- MYSTERIOUS VOICE:- Dee Deeeee.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17'..by this mad voice...'
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Dee Deeeeeeeeee.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21'..going like that...'
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Dee Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24What?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29'It was my old mate Jake.'
0:09:29 > 0:09:30You're dead.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33'And he starts telling us that if I don't change my ways and that,
0:09:33 > 0:09:36'I'll end up like him, chained to a couch for ever.'
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Looks fucking magic.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40'But he said it wasn't magic,
0:09:40 > 0:09:44'and these other folk would be along to try and talk some sense into us,
0:09:44 > 0:09:47'then he buggered off.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50'I just put the whole experience down to a flashback or something,
0:09:50 > 0:09:54'or an undigested eccie that's been sitting in my gut
0:09:54 > 0:09:56'since 19 canteen, ready to pounce.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00'I just laughed it off,
0:10:00 > 0:10:03'until...'
0:10:03 > 0:10:04What the fuck's going on?
0:10:04 > 0:10:06I am the ghost of Christmas past.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10'And this lassie starts showing us when it all went tits up for us.'
0:10:10 > 0:10:11Here...
0:10:11 > 0:10:14'About 20 year ago, when my old bird Leanne got us
0:10:14 > 0:10:15'this game for the Mega Drive.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19'It was like Candy Crush, couldn't get off the fucking thing...'
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Bastard!
0:10:20 > 0:10:22'..so she left us.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25'Said I was more interested in getting to level 100
0:10:25 > 0:10:26'than 'I was in her.'
0:10:26 > 0:10:28So sad.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30'And it was sad, but I did it.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33'Ended up getting to level 206.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37'Had to hold in a pish for about 24 hours to do it, but I did it.'
0:10:40 > 0:10:41That was out of order.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44'And that was that, until...
0:10:45 > 0:10:46'And this guy goes...'
0:10:46 > 0:10:48I am the ghost of Christmas present.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51'And he starts showing us about this Christmas Eve party,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53'telling me that this is what I'm missing out on,
0:10:53 > 0:10:59'everybody having a pure laugh and getting wrecked. Looked not bad.'
0:10:59 > 0:11:01I mean, he's been on the bench for the entire season.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03All right, I know that's a wee bit of an exaggeration,
0:11:03 > 0:11:05but pretty much the whole season.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- What was the point in us signing him if we're not going to play him?- Right.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10So I was looking at sticking him in that school
0:11:10 > 0:11:12when he leaves the nursery cos that's the feeder school
0:11:12 > 0:11:15for the secondary school. One of the mums at nursery told me that, no,
0:11:15 > 0:11:19if you want to get in there you need to be in the right catchment area.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23'Brain damage. Then I spots my nephew Freddie.'
0:11:23 > 0:11:26The thing is, what's the point in signing him if you're not going to play him?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29'Lot of shite.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33'And that was that, thank fuck, until...
0:11:34 > 0:11:39'..the last one, the ghost of Christmas...from the Future.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44'Shows me my gravestone and it was all mocket and minging,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47'cos the way I'm going, nobody will give a fuck.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48'And I just said...'
0:11:48 > 0:11:49Good.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52'Cos I don't want tonnes of pals all missing me
0:11:52 > 0:11:54'and all greeting their eyes out.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55'I don't want folk trooping up here
0:11:55 > 0:11:58'to clean my gravestone in the freezing cold
0:11:58 > 0:12:00'when there could be something good on the telly.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02'I like things just the way they are.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04'And I was about to tell the ghost
0:12:04 > 0:12:07'how much I appreciated all the effort they put in to try
0:12:07 > 0:12:09'and change my mind, but he didn't want to hear it.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13'And that really was that.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17'I felt pure bad for wasting all their time, but I was happy.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19'Then I thought about it.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23'Dee Dee, maybe you should just go to the party.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27'Freddie's right, it would be good to see everybody again.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29'You don't have to talk about football or weans,
0:12:29 > 0:12:31'just get half-cut and have a laugh.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33'You might even bump into Leanne.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36'It'd be good just to even be pals again.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38'Who knows where this mad journey will take you?'
0:12:38 > 0:12:40You're on.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Here, wee man, you there. What day is it the day?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Boxing Day.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Ha!
0:13:06 > 0:13:08No. That's a shame, come on.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Especially after the year he's had.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35No. That's a shame.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Is this it? Is this the bike? Is this the one I wanted?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Well, you never know. You better open it.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53This is it! This is the one I wanted.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55This is the same one as David Kinaird's.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Dad, this is same one Davie Kinaird's got.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58That is Davie Kinaird's.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04- What?- Well, his mum was chucking it out because he's getting a new one.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- No!- Ungrateful wee bastard.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- Waste not, want not.- No!
0:14:08 > 0:14:11That's it, it's going to the dump. They're all going to the dump!
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- No!- You're a bastard of a boy! A bastard of a boy!
0:14:14 > 0:14:17No! No!
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Aargh!
0:14:22 > 0:14:27DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:14:42 > 0:14:44I know. I know.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Lot of shite, isn't it?
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Are you one of they people that hate this time of year?
0:14:50 > 0:14:55Same here. Don't tell anybody, but same here.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59It's the whole "on this date, you must have a good time" thing.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02"On the 25th and the 31st of December,
0:15:02 > 0:15:04"you fucking better have a good time".
0:15:04 > 0:15:07That's like me picking a random date in the calendar,
0:15:07 > 0:15:10just shutting my eyes and going...9th of April,
0:15:10 > 0:15:12and then going...
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Here. 9th of April, are you looking forward to it?
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Not long now, eh?
0:15:17 > 0:15:18Do you know what I mean?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21What's so special about this time of year anyway?
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Imagine if every year on the 9th of April,
0:15:23 > 0:15:25you were forced to go on a night out.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28It costs you a tenner just to step foot into a pub,
0:15:28 > 0:15:30takes you about three hours to get served,
0:15:30 > 0:15:32and as for getting a taxi up the road...
0:15:32 > 0:15:33HE SCOFFS
0:15:33 > 0:15:35..you'd be quicker walking it, mate.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38But on a serious note, the worst thing about this time of year is,
0:15:38 > 0:15:41it's supposed to be the best time.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44And if you're not having a good time at the best time of year,
0:15:44 > 0:15:46well, it just makes you feel worse.
0:15:46 > 0:15:51Like Valentine's Day when you're single, or...I don't know.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53I just thought I'd take a moment to remind you
0:15:53 > 0:15:55that if you're not having the best day,
0:15:55 > 0:15:58whether it's Christmas or Hogmanay, don't worry.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03There's plenty more days around the corner, 365, to be precise.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06I'm sure your best day's in there somewhere.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14- Who's that you were talking to? - A dour-faced bastard.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21'A wonderful time of year for weans.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24'They want you to get them this, they want you to get them that.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27'You want to get them the best.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30'What do you get your wean when you've got fuck all?'
0:16:32 > 0:16:34'Urg!
0:17:50 > 0:17:54'Well, she got everything she wanted, 'but not from me.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56'I look like a right embarrassment.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59'Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02'Oh, dear.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07'Tried hitting her with my poxy excuses, but she wasn't having it.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11'Cos as it turned out, she wanted something money couldn't buy.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16'She wanted something most folk would turn their nose up at
0:18:16 > 0:18:18'any day of the year, never mind Christmas.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22'And it wasn't to be found in any shop or catalogue, or under
0:18:22 > 0:18:26'any Christmas tree wrapped up in fancy, show-off wrapping paper.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29'All she wanted was her daft old maw.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33'What can I say?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36'There's no accounting for taste.'
0:18:38 > 0:18:40You know another thing you can't say?
0:18:43 > 0:18:47You can't say "Happy New Year".
0:18:47 > 0:18:52You can't say "Happy New Year" in case it offends them, you know.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Because it isn't their New Year, you know.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58I'm not talking about them from before.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00I'm talking about that other lot, you know.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04I don't know if that offends them,
0:19:04 > 0:19:06but you're walking on egg shells, aren't you?
0:19:06 > 0:19:09You're walking on egg shells.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Oh, come on. You are all looking at me as if I'm a...
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Here, it's my favourite type of food.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Would I eat their food if I was a...?
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Och, I don't know.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Actually, that prick reminds me, let's sing a song
0:19:28 > 0:19:31to recall some of the things that have happened over the year.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35# Hi...
0:19:37 > 0:19:41# Hi diddily hi di...
0:19:42 > 0:19:47# Hmm Scotland.
0:19:50 > 0:19:55# Oh, ye know...
0:19:55 > 0:19:59PLAYS GOOD KING WENCESLAS BADLY
0:20:00 > 0:20:04# Will ye go, lassie, go?
0:20:06 > 0:20:08'Ein, zwei, drei, vier!'
0:20:08 > 0:20:11TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS
0:20:14 > 0:20:17APPLAUSE
0:20:22 > 0:20:25What did you get me? The computer? Or the motor?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- Or the Millennium Falcon?- You never know, you maybe got all three.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47It doesn't work.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Oh, forgot to get batteries.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51But I've got...
0:21:00 > 0:21:01Yes!
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- What games did you get me?- Oh, you never said anything about games.
0:21:06 > 0:21:11But you've got to have games... HE SIGHS
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- Don't forget what else you wanted. - The Millennium Falcon!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32But it's empty.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Aye. We're going to wait until the January sales -
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- it'll be half the price.- No!
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Ungrateful wee bastard.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- It's only a week away. - No!
0:21:39 > 0:21:42That's it, they're going to the dump! They're all going to the dump!
0:21:42 > 0:21:46- No!- You're a bastard of a boy! A bastard of a boy!
0:21:46 > 0:21:49No, no, no!
0:21:51 > 0:21:55Argh!
0:22:06 > 0:22:09TATTOO GUN BUZZES
0:22:30 > 0:22:32- Is that permanent? - Aye.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35HE LAUGHS
0:22:35 > 0:22:36No, that's a shame.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40KNOCK ON DOOR
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Mr Mulvaney, that's us just about to do the Secret Santa,
0:22:42 > 0:22:44so whenever you're ready.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Ah, thank you, Sarah. Very exciting. I'll be along in just a moment.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54OK. Let's go over this one more time.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Er... Secret Santa, everyone. Er, ho-ho-ho.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Er... Now, as you recall, when you pulled the names out of the hat,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05you were not to reveal the name of the colleague for whom you were
0:23:05 > 0:23:08buying a present, so let's just keep it that way, it's more fun.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16OK, first, we have a present for so and so. Here you go. What is it?
0:23:16 > 0:23:17Oh, ha-ha!
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Next, we have a present for such and such.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22What is it? Oh, ha-ha-ha!
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Look at that. Very amusing.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28And next, we have a present for Agnes.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Oh. I wonder who could have got you that.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32No-one knows. It's a mystery.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Agnes...why are you so upset?
0:23:37 > 0:23:41Can someone tell me what it is? It's a what?
0:23:41 > 0:23:42That's obscene! Who did this?!
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Agnes, I will personally lead the investigation into...
0:23:45 > 0:23:46KNOCK ON DOOR
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- Sir, that's... - Ah, yes. I was... OK, I was just...
0:23:55 > 0:23:56Secret Santa, ho-ho-ho.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59Here you are.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Oh! Haha!
0:24:02 > 0:24:05That's a helicopter.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08This one is for.... There you are.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Oh! Ah, very good, a wig.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17This one is for Agnes.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18I wonder who could have got you that,
0:24:18 > 0:24:20but, of course, no-one knows. It's a mystery.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27This is obscene!
0:24:27 > 0:24:30ALL LAUGH
0:24:38 > 0:24:41It was me! It was me. I did it.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52Aaaaaaaaaaand ten, nine, eight,
0:24:52 > 0:24:56seven, six, five, four, three...
0:24:56 > 0:25:00You know, you can't call it a blackboard any more?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02You can't call it a blackboard.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Now it's, you've got to call it a chalkboard, you know.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09That's, you know, that's what they're saying
0:25:09 > 0:25:12in the primary schools...the weans.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14I was going to ask my daughter if it was true
0:25:14 > 0:25:18cos my grandson's in the, in the primary but, you know,
0:25:18 > 0:25:21she's not she's not speaking to me any more, you know.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24She says she doesn't want me round the wean any more.
0:25:24 > 0:25:30Says that some of my views aren't in step with the, I don't know.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Weans, eh?
0:25:34 > 0:25:37You work your fucking life out.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39Mate...
0:25:41 > 0:25:42..fucking out.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Aaaaand, three, two, one!
0:25:48 > 0:25:50- ALL:- Yeah.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- ALL:- Happy New Year.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58LAUGHTER
0:26:07 > 0:26:08So...
0:26:08 > 0:26:11- It's flew in, hasn't it? - Yeah.- Aye.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Any New Year's resolutions?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- No.- No.- You?- No.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24When are you all heading back to work?
0:26:24 > 0:26:25And that's that.
0:26:25 > 0:26:30But before you go, I just want to leave you with this final thought.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Oh, who did that?!
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Who did that?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35LAUGHTER
0:26:35 > 0:26:38No, no, I shouldn't laugh...
0:26:38 > 0:26:41especially after the year he's had, man.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43He's going to be raging.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50It's a terrible time of year, for some.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52A time of extreme pressure.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56If you were under extreme pressure from your work,
0:26:56 > 0:27:00from your family, from the bank, from everywhere,
0:27:00 > 0:27:04what measures would you go to to get rid of the people involved?
0:27:05 > 0:27:10Well, this play asks you to ask yourself...
0:27:12 > 0:27:14"What would you do?"
0:27:16 > 0:27:22Oh, the pressure I'm under from work, from my family, from the bank,
0:27:22 > 0:27:26from everywhere. I don't know what to do.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Kill them all.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Who said that?
0:27:30 > 0:27:34It was me. Kill them all, man. They're all arseholes anyway.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37I'm losing my marbles.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Did that snowman just talk to me there?
0:27:40 > 0:27:44Aye, it was me who talked because I'm evil.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47I'm an evil spirit. I'll help you kill them.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49All you've got to do is take care of me.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54That's mad, a talking snowman.
0:27:54 > 0:27:55No, you're all right.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Because it doesn't matter how much pressure I'm under,
0:27:58 > 0:27:59I wouldn't lay a finger on anybody,
0:27:59 > 0:28:03never mind kill them, so no thank you.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07And that concludes our play.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Well, he seemed to know what his decision was,
0:28:10 > 0:28:12but what would you do?
0:28:18 > 0:28:19What would you do?
0:28:19 > 0:28:21# What would you do? What would you do?
0:28:21 > 0:28:23# What would you? What would you do?
0:28:23 > 0:28:26# What would you do? What would you? What would you do?
0:28:26 > 0:28:27# What would you? What would you?
0:28:27 > 0:28:29# What would you do? What would you? What would you?
0:28:29 > 0:28:31# What would you do? What would you?
0:28:31 > 0:28:35# What would you do, you do, you do, you do? #
0:28:35 > 0:28:39- ALL:- Yeah!
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Woo-hoo!
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Yeah!
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Wahey!
0:29:08 > 0:29:10Yay!