0:00:02 > 0:00:04Here,
0:00:04 > 0:00:08you know how there's that one person that you just see everywhere?
0:00:08 > 0:00:10You don't know them, you've never met them,
0:00:10 > 0:00:12but you just see them all the time?
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Well, see that guy there?
0:00:18 > 0:00:19He's mine.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Welcome to Limmy's Show, my friend.
0:00:37 > 0:00:38APPLAUSE
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Hello, my name's Raymond Day and welcome to Paraside.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46OK, let's see where the spirit takes us.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Can someone understand, please?
0:00:50 > 0:00:53I have here in spirit an older gentleman...?
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Whose brother has also passed to spirit?
0:00:57 > 0:01:02And I have a strong feeling that he wishes to connect with
0:01:02 > 0:01:04a lady in the audience.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06You understand this?
0:01:06 > 0:01:10My dad passed away and his brother, my uncle, had already passed.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Oh, that's tragic.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Well, there's only one of them here. I take it you've come for Dad?
0:01:16 > 0:01:17It's Uncle.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21But don't be downhearted. No doubt your father loves you,
0:01:21 > 0:01:23but oh, oh, your uncle, oh, he likes you.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Oh, he likes you!
0:01:27 > 0:01:32He follows you absolutely everywhere and watches over everything you do.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34And I mean everything!
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Like he's just showing me there like the time you were in the shower
0:01:38 > 0:01:42and the water went cold, and gave you a fright?
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Yeah, it does that sometimes.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Yeah, he was just standing there watching you as usual.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48And then you screamed and jumped out your skin.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50I think he got a bigger fright than you!
0:01:50 > 0:01:52LAUGHTER FROM STUDIO AUDIENCE
0:01:52 > 0:01:54And who are you, my love? Is this partner?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Yeah, this is my husband.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Husband, yeah, I'm getting the sense that your uncle
0:01:59 > 0:02:01is so happy for you both.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03He loves watching the two of you together.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06You're such an affectionate couple.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08But he's saying, "See him?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11"He needs to spend more time with you".
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Do you understand this?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16He needs to spend more time with you.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:02:18 > 0:02:19OK, it's a family show!
0:02:19 > 0:02:20LAUGHTER
0:02:20 > 0:02:24But most of all your uncle just loves to watch you sleep.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28At the end of a long day when you kick off your heels,
0:02:28 > 0:02:32peel off your clothes, and get into bed beside your husband.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34STUDIO AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:02:34 > 0:02:37I'll leave his love with y... Oh, hold on.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Who's this?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41We've got someone else coming.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42It's Dad!
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Dad's come through!
0:02:44 > 0:02:46APPLAUSE
0:02:46 > 0:02:49I can see that they're brothers, but there's one difference, isn't there.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- Em...- There's that one big difference between them.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53You can't remember?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Oh, the hair?
0:02:55 > 0:03:00My uncle had a thick head of hair but my dad...didn't.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Sorry, Dad!
0:03:02 > 0:03:05I see, so your dad was bald but your uncle wasn't?
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Yeah.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Then I think I've got this mixed up.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11That was your dad speaking. Why didn't he say?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Och, that's good, to be honest when I thought it was your uncle
0:03:14 > 0:03:17watching you, I thought, "Oh, that's a bit creepy"!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Anyway, I'll leave their love with you.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21APPLAUSE
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Any of you into Westlife?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Westlife?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39No, I know I used to think they were pish an' all,
0:03:39 > 0:03:42but, got dragged along to one of their concerts one night,
0:03:42 > 0:03:46was all the way down the front row next to the speakers.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Honestly, man. See the base that came out of those speakers
0:03:48 > 0:03:51when they played Uptown Girl,
0:03:51 > 0:03:54I was like that - "Get in there, man, get in".
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Good by the way. Aye.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Some banter on 'em an' all, man.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Here, how good would it be if you could do this?
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Eh?
0:04:41 > 0:04:42GLASS SMASHES
0:04:44 > 0:04:45I meant just me!
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Thank you for joining us.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13My name is Larry Forsyth, and with me is Dr Stuart.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17This week Dr Stuart will be administering me with Dreadnought.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20A drug first used during The Great War
0:05:20 > 0:05:23because it provided the soldier with added bravery.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27An hour and a half later, I was beginning to feel definite effects.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35What are you looking at?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38I'm looking at you, Larry.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Who do you think you're looking at?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42I'm looking at you.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Where is it you think I'm looking?
0:05:44 > 0:05:45Shut your BLEEP mouth.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Do you realise you're being quite confrontational?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Yes, I am. I apologise.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52It's quite all right.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- Was it?- Yes.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55And what if it wasn't?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57What if it wasn't what, Larry?
0:05:57 > 0:05:58What if it wasn't all right?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01What if you're not all right with the things I'm saying to you?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03What the BLEEP would you do about it?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05You're becoming quite aggressive again, Larry.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Yes, I am. I apologise.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10And stop Larrying me.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Could you tell me what it is you're feeling,
0:06:12 > 0:06:15what emotions are driving you at this moment?
0:06:15 > 0:06:19I'm feeling the urge to strike you.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22To strike your face and your body.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23I see.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Do you think you could stop me if I tried?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I wouldn't like to find out.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Shall I take that as a maybe?
0:06:29 > 0:06:30Larry.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32I told you to not Larry me.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Do you feel that when I say your name..?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- Your wife is a floozy.- I'm sorry?
0:06:36 > 0:06:37You heard me.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39My wife is a floozy?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- Oh, you've heard, have you? - Larry, you're behaving...
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- I told you not to Larry me.- Larry.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Are you deaf?
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Are you deaf?!
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Could you sit down, please.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Why don't you try and make me sit down?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53You're being rather frightening.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Your wife is a floozy.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00I must ask you not to say that again.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Your wife is a floozy, your wife is a floozy,
0:07:02 > 0:07:03your wife is a floozy.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18'At this point in the experiment, I had to be subdued.'
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Floozy!
0:07:28 > 0:07:31A lot of shite, this place. A lot of shite.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35I wish I could escape and get away from everybody. It's a lot of shite.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Fuck off!
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I mean, everybody was steaming, right.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01But Billy's dad, he's practically sleeping standing up.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Have you ever seen the video for...erm...Smooth Criminal?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Aye, aye.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Well, he's like this. Come here, come here.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Right, get round there.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Right, hold us up. He's like that.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Like there's some mad gale holding him up!
0:08:16 > 0:08:18No idea of how he was managing it.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21It's like his feet were, were glued to the deck.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22You know but, phew,
0:08:22 > 0:08:25I was in the same state by about twelve o'clock or - so I was told!
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Right. I can't remember anything,
0:08:27 > 0:08:31but what I can remember is thinking, it's a shame for Billy's dad
0:08:31 > 0:08:34right, cos he's away, and he's totally, his mind...
0:08:39 > 0:08:42The police have got a pure hard time, haven't they.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Who?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47The police. Just get a pure hard time, don't they?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50It's like nobody ever speaks to them, nobody ever, you walk past them
0:08:50 > 0:08:52and they never speak to them and that, just give them pure
0:08:52 > 0:08:56dirty looks but they're, like, the first people, if you're attacked,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59they're like the first people you speak to, the first people you phone.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03Like, mad, they come to your door, come to your door pure friendly
0:09:03 > 0:09:06and all that, and my sister, she got burgled, she phoned,
0:09:06 > 0:09:07they're straight at the door, friendly.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Aye, it's just - it's a shame for them.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Just nobody speaks...
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Oh, I feel gallus, man.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Oh, look who it is. All right? - All right?- All right?
0:09:19 > 0:09:20How's things?
0:09:20 > 0:09:21Not bad. Yourself?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Good, good, working away.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- Still doing scaffolding?- No, I chucked that years ago. You?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28I don't mean to be rude but I'm just going to go and book the classes,
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- all right?- Right.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Well, I was just doing the whole website thing.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35I chucked that an' all. You still in Glasgow?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37East End. It's all right.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39I'm still in Partick.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Right. So...
0:09:43 > 0:09:45What are you into these days?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50I've got a secret hamster.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Keep it up in my loft.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55She thinks I'm up there trying to fix a leak in the roof,
0:09:55 > 0:09:57but, up there feeding it.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Giving it a wee clap.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Nobody knows?
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Nobody.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04My son got suspicious.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08He was like that, "What leak, Dad? What are you doing up there?"
0:10:08 > 0:10:10I says, "Son, you don't want to know".
0:10:10 > 0:10:12He hasn't asked since,
0:10:12 > 0:10:15I don't know what he thinks I'm doing but, it won't be that.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Yourself?
0:10:16 > 0:10:19See, on my way to work, I pass this dump.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22It's not a real dump. It's just like a bit of spare ground
0:10:22 > 0:10:26- people use for... - Fly tipping.- Aye.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Well, see in there, there's this wardrobe, right,
0:10:28 > 0:10:30It's been there for months.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32I get in the wardrobe,
0:10:32 > 0:10:34sometimes for ten minutes,
0:10:34 > 0:10:36sometimes for ten hours.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Told her last week, last Friday,
0:10:38 > 0:10:40"I'll be away working all weekend,
0:10:40 > 0:10:43"not be back till Monday, working on the rigs".
0:10:43 > 0:10:45I was in the wardrobe all weekend.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Fucking laughing my head off.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50I've got to get one for the loft.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Get what for the loft?
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- I better go. See you later, right. - Right, see you later.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- Just something to fix that leak. - Och, that leak!
0:11:00 > 0:11:02I went to see a movie, everyone said it was great,
0:11:02 > 0:11:04it's like 92 on Metacritic.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06But it was, it was OK, it was just OK.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09I got the new OS. Everyone said it's full of these great new features.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11It's supposed to be better and faster, but it's not,
0:11:11 > 0:11:12it's slower and worse!
0:11:12 > 0:11:14I went to a gig. They're my favourite band.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16I used to love them but they didn't sound the same!
0:11:16 > 0:11:19They didn't sound good but everyone said they were great,
0:11:19 > 0:11:21but they weren't! They were shit! Everything's shit!
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Everything's shit, everything's changed! Everything used to be so good!
0:11:24 > 0:11:26We said we'd all go travelling, my friends,
0:11:26 > 0:11:28we'd go to Thailand and maybe Laos.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31But no-one went, everyone's got jobs and mortgages
0:11:31 > 0:11:32and now some of them are having kids!
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Everything's shit! Everything's shit! Everything's shit!
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Now he gets it.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Oh, I forgot - going to get a packet of paracetamol?
0:11:42 > 0:11:43- Right.- In fact get two.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Two!?
0:11:45 > 0:11:48But they'll think I'm trying to top myself.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56- Hi.- Hi. Hiya!
0:11:57 > 0:12:00All right. You all right?
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Aye. Fine, thanks.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Fine, is that all?
0:12:03 > 0:12:07I feel amazing, man. I feel amazing!
0:12:07 > 0:12:10I feel, I feel, pure dead brilliant.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12I feel br... I feel amazing.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16I've got a wee bit of a headache, so I think I'll have two packets of...
0:12:16 > 0:12:17two packets of...
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Here, some day, isn't it? Eh?
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Some day. I woke up this morning, I thought, "Some day, isn't it".
0:12:26 > 0:12:30I know it was raining this morning but I love the weather.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33I wake up and I think, "What's the weather got in store for me?"
0:12:33 > 0:12:36and my family and my loved ones and my pals and all that.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Cos I've got tonnes of loved ones, and friends and family,
0:12:39 > 0:12:41you know, that support me and all that.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43I'm very lucky, I've got everything to live for, you know?
0:12:43 > 0:12:46You know, I love the weather, but the thing is with the rain,
0:12:46 > 0:12:48sometimes you don't feel like going out to the shops,
0:12:48 > 0:12:50so it's good to stock up.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53So for that reason I think I'll have no' one but two packets of...
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Two packets of...
0:12:58 > 0:12:59LAUGHS INSINCERELY
0:13:01 > 0:13:03It's good to laugh sometimes, isn't it.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05You know life, when you think about life..
0:13:05 > 0:13:08You never think about life and you're like...
0:13:08 > 0:13:09LAUGHS FALSELY
0:13:11 > 0:13:14LAUGHS WILDLY
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Look, mate, if I wanted to do it, I'd do this.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26Can I have two packets of paracetamol, please?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54He's sleeping right now, isn't it?
0:13:55 > 0:13:56What?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59It's just funny to think he's sleeping,
0:13:59 > 0:14:02him from the... The Usual Suspects.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Who?
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Kevin Spacey?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Aye, no, the other one, the other main one.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10It isn't Kevin Spacey, what's his name?
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Gabriel Byrne?
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Aye, that's it, aye.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Funny to think he's sleeping right now, isn't it? Isn't it, funny
0:14:16 > 0:14:20thinking he's sleeping right now, and I'm thinking about him.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22He's in bed and I'm thinking about him sleeping.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Are you thinking about him sleeping?
0:14:24 > 0:14:29Just lying in bed, like, dreaming and, it's funny to think,
0:14:29 > 0:14:32imagine he's... and I'm thinking about him dreaming.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Funny thing, imagine, eh, he was dreaming about us,
0:14:35 > 0:14:39thinking about him...about the films we've seen.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42So...
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Christine's pregnant.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Oh, really? Congratulations, mate.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47When's it due?
0:14:47 > 0:14:4830th August, we think.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49Do you know what it is yet? Boy, lassie?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51No, it's too early for that.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54But listen we were thinking, if it is a boy,
0:14:54 > 0:14:55we'll maybe name him after you.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57No!
0:14:57 > 0:15:01No, don't do that. Are you serious?
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Aye, not in your honour or nothing,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05but well, your name came up, and it's got a nice ring to it.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Seamus McPhee.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Seamus?
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Aye.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14But my name's not...
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Oh, right, his name's Seamus McPhee.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18You're using my name for his middle name?
0:15:18 > 0:15:19No. That'd be a bit daft, eh?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Seamus, Seamus McPhee.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Seamus? All right.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26His middle name is Seamus,
0:15:26 > 0:15:30you're using my name for his first name, so it's Brian Seamus McPhee.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31Brian?
0:15:31 > 0:15:32Aye.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Why Brian?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36I thought you said you were using my name?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Aye.... Oh, right, is your middle name Brian?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40No.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41What are you on about?
0:15:41 > 0:15:42What are YOU on about?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45My name's not Seamus.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Aye, it is.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Right, you're starting to freak me out now.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51You're starting to freak ME out.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52- What!?- What?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Did you have a nice night?
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Aye.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00There's pasta in the microwave.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Thanks.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Seamus, have you got the number for...?
0:16:03 > 0:16:04What did you say?
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- I said have you got the number for...?- Before that.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08I just said your name.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10(Which is?)
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Seamus.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13What's going on? Did he put you up to this?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Did who put me up to what?
0:16:15 > 0:16:17- Seamus, what's...? - Right, I'm off.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Can I have a room, please?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24And is it just for the night, Seamus?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26What?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Seamus, Seamus?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Seamus?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34I hate that name! My name's not Seamus!
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Can everybody stop calling me Seamus!
0:16:37 > 0:16:40One day, they flip it, they just can't take it anymore.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44So for the sake of your wean, please, don't call them Seamus.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20PHONE RINGS
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Hello?
0:18:23 > 0:18:24Yes, it is.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Ah, no, I'm not interested, thanks.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33No, I'm not, I don't want to buy anything, thanks,
0:18:33 > 0:18:35and could you take me off the database, please.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38No. I'm not in...
0:18:41 > 0:18:43What kind of clown porn?
0:18:48 > 0:18:49What's that?
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Hmm?
0:19:06 > 0:19:09You know, that was funny when he was going like that, wasn't it.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10Oh, Billy's dad?
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Aye!
0:19:11 > 0:19:12Aye.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30Honk honk!
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Make this one the last and we'll head out, right?
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Aye.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Look at that. Look at the head on it.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Oh, you know what that reminds me of? That foam party.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Foam party?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Hogmanay 1999? Remember that Ibiza-themed foam party at the pub?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Oh, aye!
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Mind the guy who got skooshed in the eyes with the foam machine?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Mind, he was like that? "I cannae see, I cannae see!".
0:20:02 > 0:20:03Aye.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05No, you're not looking.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Mind, we used to do impressions of him.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09- "I cannae see, I cannae see!" - Aye.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13No, look, you're not looking at me. Right, watch. Right, mind.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- "I cannae see, I cannae see!" - Is this ever going to go down?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Look at me!
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Oh, I'm looking!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24"I cannae see, I cannae see!"
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Ah!
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Guys, do you watch Coronation Street?
0:20:48 > 0:20:50What?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Do you watch Coronation Street?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Aye, sometimes.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Getting brilliant right now, ain't it?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00I don't know, mate. I don't... I don't watch it enough.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Aye. It's getting pretty good right now.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06There's that storyline with what's his name.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Eh, what's his name?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Here, any of you watch Coronation Street?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Wait, I forgot to get tinned tomatoes - sorry.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39That's OK.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47So, erm...
0:21:50 > 0:21:51..what's your thing?
0:21:53 > 0:21:54My thing?
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Aye, your thing.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Every Thursday, I pull down the shutters...
0:22:06 > 0:22:09phone the wife, tell her I'm stock-taking.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12But you're not.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14I strip off.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Grab a basket,
0:22:18 > 0:22:20walk around, sticking things in.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23That's good. But you know what you could do?
0:22:23 > 0:22:24What?
0:22:24 > 0:22:28Watch back the CCTV for that day,
0:22:28 > 0:22:31go up next to where people were standing,
0:22:31 > 0:22:35go like that to them - "All right, sir? Two for one.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39"Can I help you, madam? Tinned tomatoes? Oh, right here."
0:22:39 > 0:22:40Like you usually would.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42But wi' your cock out.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49I'm doing that.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50I'm doing that tonight.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Doing what tonight?
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Eh, watching the game on that.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57Oh, right.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03'Fucking was walking through the park,
0:23:03 > 0:23:07'and I spots this helluva familiar face.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09'It was him, him that does the news.'
0:23:11 > 0:23:12Here, you're him. Aren't you?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15I hope so!
0:23:15 > 0:23:19'And I thought, here, he'll be on the news at 6pm, live,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21'and here he is right in front of you.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24'Dee Dee, this is your chance to get on the telly,
0:23:24 > 0:23:27'cos I'm not a violent man but if I was,
0:23:27 > 0:23:30'I could break his nose.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32'Come six, everybody watching would be like that,
0:23:32 > 0:23:34"What happened to his nose?"
0:23:34 > 0:23:35'And I'd be like that.' That was me.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39'Or I could pull out my lighter, like I'm having a fag,
0:23:39 > 0:23:40'and burn his hair.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43'Everybody watching would be like that, "What's with the hat?".
0:23:43 > 0:23:45'I'd be like that.' That was me.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48'Or I could just say to him, "Here, fancy going mental
0:23:48 > 0:23:49'and getting a tattoo?"
0:23:49 > 0:23:53'Everybody watching would be like that - "Has he went mental?".
0:23:53 > 0:23:55'And I'd be like that.' That was me.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58'Well, none of that happened, but it didn't have to,
0:23:58 > 0:24:03'because when he was making his exit, he tripped up like a dully'in.'
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Ha!
0:24:05 > 0:24:07'That night he knew I was watching,
0:24:07 > 0:24:10'and there on his face, behind the mad fake smile,
0:24:10 > 0:24:13'was something worse than any tattoo -
0:24:13 > 0:24:15'Embarrassment.'
0:24:15 > 0:24:16That WAS me.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Och, here, listen. How's it going, mate? I'm sorry,
0:24:32 > 0:24:35I see you everywhere. What's your name, my man? I'm Limmy.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37No chance.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Oh, sorry, mate.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45It's all right.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49- They should have a wee sign telling you which armrest's yours, eh?- Aye.
0:24:53 > 0:24:54So er...
0:24:56 > 0:24:57What's your thing?
0:24:57 > 0:24:59What?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02What's your thing?
0:25:03 > 0:25:04My what?
0:25:04 > 0:25:05The thing, what's your thing?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Mate, I don't have a clue what you're talking about.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Ha, don't mind me, mate. I'm off my nut.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Here, any of you want a game of I Spy?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Nah, mate.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34No, that's cool, I'll play myself. Play myself.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Right. Er...
0:25:37 > 0:25:41I spy with my little eye something beginning with...
0:25:41 > 0:25:42wallpaper.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43Hm?
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Here, I feel like a spin.
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Woah!
0:25:57 > 0:25:59What are you doing, you mad man?
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Sorry, you know how sometimes you feel like a wee spin?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15EXHALES DEEPLY
0:26:16 > 0:26:19A wee orange juice for the lady?
0:26:19 > 0:26:20What?
0:26:20 > 0:26:23A wee lady's orange juice for yourself?
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Away you go, back and drown in your pint.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26What?
0:26:26 > 0:26:28- What?- Well, he got a reaction out of you!
0:26:28 > 0:26:30You've got to give him that.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33You gave him exactly what he wanted, you played right into his hands.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39What are you doing, you wee fanny?!
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Well, you played right into their hands.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45You gave them exactly what they wanted.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48They got a reaction out of you, you've got to give them that!
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Did you hear the client picked my designs? No luck.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Aye, well, yours were a wee bit safe.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Aye, the client picked my design.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57Aye, cos they shat out of it.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Aye, they picked my designs.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Oh, shut up!
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Well, you gave her exactly what she wanted!
0:27:02 > 0:27:04You played right into her hands!
0:27:04 > 0:27:06She got a reaction out of you, you've got to give her that!
0:27:06 > 0:27:07Who is that guy!?
0:27:09 > 0:27:10Who's who?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Oh, I see! He's in my mind!
0:27:18 > 0:27:19What?
0:27:19 > 0:27:21What was that all about?
0:27:21 > 0:27:23What sort of sketch is that?
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Well, he got a reaction out of you!
0:27:25 > 0:27:27You gave him exactly what he wanted, you've got to give him that!
0:27:27 > 0:27:29You played right into his hands!
0:27:29 > 0:27:30Ah!
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Here, funny to think, mate...
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Listen, it's about eight o'clock in the morning now,
0:27:44 > 0:27:48so do you mind just phoning yourselves a taxi?
0:27:48 > 0:27:51No bother, mate. I'm just going to head into town, try and find a pub.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Any of you want to go and try and find a pub?
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Want to go and try and find a pub?
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Want to go and try and find a pub?
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Want to go and try and find a pub?
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Want to go and try and find a pub?
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Want to go and try and find a pub?
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Mate, check him out, he's crashed out.
0:28:12 > 0:28:13Mate!?
0:28:15 > 0:28:17That'll be right!
0:28:42 > 0:28:45Subtitling by Red Bee Media Ltd