0:00:02 > 0:00:04Welcome to Limmy's Show.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06But this is a Limmy's Show like nae other
0:00:06 > 0:00:08because this is Limmy's Show Live.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15That's right, we are live right now, so as well as all your favourite
0:00:15 > 0:00:18pre-recorded sketches like Dee Dee and Jacqueline,
0:00:18 > 0:00:21we're going to be trying out a live sketch for you this evening.
0:00:21 > 0:00:25There's all the cast and crew getting things ready.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29There's Paul, Alan and Kirstin going over their lines.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Youse all set, youse all ready?
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Well, they're ready for their close up, but are you?
0:00:35 > 0:00:39That's right, we could be going live into your living room tonight.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Tonight, the star of the show could be you!
0:00:41 > 0:00:44And we've got some other goodies lined up for you this evening,
0:00:44 > 0:00:45so stay tuned.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48And remember, it's live telly!
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Anything can happen!
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Well, in the name of St Jude,
0:01:10 > 0:01:14Patron Saint of Lost Causes, who have we here?
0:01:15 > 0:01:17What?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19I've been looking for you.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Who are you?
0:01:22 > 0:01:26I go by a few names, but you can call me friend.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28What do you want?
0:01:29 > 0:01:30To help.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Help?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34What have you got, a rope?
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Fucking do it in that tree right now!
0:01:35 > 0:01:38No. All I've got is an offer.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42What kind of offer?
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Do you ever wish you could just go right up into those clouds,
0:01:45 > 0:01:49and soar like an eagle till somewhere catches your eye,
0:01:49 > 0:01:53and land in a new place, with new people.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54A fresh start. A second chance.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Do you ever wish for something like that?
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Every day.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Then let's go.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07I'm sorry, mate. I didnae see your chopper land when you arrived.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09We don't need a chopper.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Look, who are you?!
0:02:11 > 0:02:13I told you, a friend.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Aye, right. Listen I don't have any friends, so just piss off.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20I respectfully disagree but, I'll leave you in peace. God bless.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21No, wait.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26You can really...?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30And I'm no imagining this?
0:02:34 > 0:02:35You can take me anywhere I want.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Anywhere, but with one catch.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Once you make your decision I won't be back if you change your mind.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Right, I see.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Can I have a minute to decide?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48You could, or you could decide up there.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58- You're not going to drop me, are you?- No.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Here, you're not going to dump me up on the moon, just for a laugh?
0:03:01 > 0:03:02Now, there's an idea! No.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06All right. Well, in that case, there's only one thing left to say.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09Fly!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Sorry, mate. I was just, I was just joking.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Sorry.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30Here, at the end of the day, a fanny's a fanny.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38CREEPY MUSIC
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Thank you for joining us.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45My name is Larry Forsyth, and with me is Dr Stuart.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49This week, Dr Stuart will be administering me with Carousel,
0:03:49 > 0:03:52a drug that became popular amongst the poor of Victorian-era England,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54as a cheaper alternative to the funfair.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00'An hour and a half later, I was beginning to feel definite effects.'
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Can you hear that?
0:04:04 > 0:04:05Hear what?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09The lights in the studio are producing the most wonderful
0:04:09 > 0:04:11kaleidoscope of sound.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13And visually?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15No, visually, the drug appears to have no effects.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19The studio appears to be quite... oh, oh!
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Yes?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24When I do this with my head... there it is again.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Could you tell me what it is you're experiencing?
0:04:27 > 0:04:33When I do this with my head, the lights and sounds spin around me
0:04:33 > 0:04:37in a most wonderful manner, like I am on a merry-go-round
0:04:37 > 0:04:41of a kind I have never experienced before in my life.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Mother!
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Mother?
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Pardon?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50You uttered the word "Mother".
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Did I?
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Yes, Mother was there,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55she was waving at me as I was going round and round.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59But now that I have stopped, she, she's gone.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02Ah, there she is.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Larry, there is nobody there.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07There is, they're, they're all there.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11It, it, it's fading, it, it's slowing, slowing down.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Careful, Larry.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15No, no, it's, it's slowing down.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22Ah, there she is. Mother, Mother, I'm here!
0:05:22 > 0:05:26Mother, Jacob! Jacob, Susanna, I'm here!
0:05:26 > 0:05:28No, no, don't go! It's slowing down.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Don't go, Mother! No, no, no!
0:05:32 > 0:05:35'At this point in the experiment, I had to be subdued.'
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Jacob...
0:05:59 > 0:06:00He's good.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04And...
0:06:04 > 0:06:07How's it going, Laura and Mark? You are live on Limmy's Show!
0:06:09 > 0:06:13They're watching something else, they're watching something...
0:06:13 > 0:06:14you couldn't make it up.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17You couldn't make it up. Can we get them on the phone?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Can we get them on the phone and get them to turn over?
0:06:21 > 0:06:24I don't know why they're not watching, we were told they were..
0:06:24 > 0:06:26PHONE RINGS
0:06:26 > 0:06:29We were told they were big fans of the show.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30Hello?
0:06:30 > 0:06:34How's it going, Laura? You're live on Limmy's Show! Turn over!
0:06:34 > 0:06:35What?
0:06:35 > 0:06:36Turn over.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Who is this?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Put the guy on.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Hello?
0:06:43 > 0:06:46How's it going, Mark? You are live on Limmy's Show! Turn over, mate.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47What?
0:06:47 > 0:06:48Just turn over.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Ah!
0:06:52 > 0:06:53Is she all right?
0:06:53 > 0:06:54What's going on?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Your flatmate Kenny says you're big fans of the show,
0:06:57 > 0:06:59so, here we are, are you up for a laugh? Where's Kenny?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01It was fucking Kenny that did it!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Look, Kenny doesn't live here any more.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07He got booted out for shit like this. Just leave us alone!
0:07:08 > 0:07:10I told you it wouldn't stop.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19PHONE BEEPS
0:07:28 > 0:07:29PHONE BEEPS
0:07:40 > 0:07:42PHONE BEEPS
0:07:50 > 0:07:51PHONE BEEPS
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Could you do me a favour?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12When somebody goes to ask you for a favour,
0:08:12 > 0:08:15what you want to do is outfavour them.
0:08:15 > 0:08:16In fact, can you do me a favour?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18What?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Do you think you could help me rip out my kitchen?
0:08:20 > 0:08:23It's just that I've been meaning to get round to it for ages
0:08:23 > 0:08:24but I've just not had the time.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26I was thinking maybe me and you could get tore in
0:08:26 > 0:08:28about Saturday morning.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31I know you said you're going out on the piss on Friday night,
0:08:31 > 0:08:33but there's nae better hangover cure
0:08:33 > 0:08:35than a right good bit of grafting, isn't there no?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38I'd do it myself but it's going to be back-breaking enough
0:08:38 > 0:08:41for the two of us, never mind one, you know, taking stuff to the dump,
0:08:41 > 0:08:43you know, going up and down, and up and down,
0:08:43 > 0:08:46and up and down the stairs, and I'm three flights up, know what I mean?
0:08:46 > 0:08:48I was thinking, you know, if we get started nice and early,
0:08:48 > 0:08:50about five in the morning,
0:08:50 > 0:08:52I think we'd be finished by midnight.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54So, what do you say? Are you up for it?
0:08:54 > 0:08:55No, I'm sorry, I cannae.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Oh, right.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Oh, well, aye, sorry, what were you going to say?
0:09:01 > 0:09:02It doesnae matter.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Tenner!
0:09:08 > 0:09:1020 quid.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Hunner.
0:09:12 > 0:09:17The hoose, the wife, the wean.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Everything.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Watch this. He'll give us a wee fright. Right. Watch.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50A fanny's a fanny.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00Oh, here, I'm away for a fag.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44I don't smoke.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Welcome to your live sketch for this evening.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53This one's called The Cocktail Party.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Let the story commence.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Oh, this is a nice party.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Aye, very civilised.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00Whose is it?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Nae idea.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03Me neither.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06I got the invite, I got the invite sent through...
0:11:06 > 0:11:09but I never... This is a nice party.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Aye, very civilised.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11Whose is it?
0:11:11 > 0:11:12Nae idea.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Me neither.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17I got the invite sent through but it never said whose name was on it...
0:11:17 > 0:11:20The name of the... party...and...
0:11:22 > 0:11:23And...
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Neither did mine.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26- No. Nor mine.- Nor mine.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Hey, were you about to say something?
0:11:32 > 0:11:33Aye.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Aye.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38No, I'm sorry. I cannae do this.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Just joking, mate.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09'Hi. It's me.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11'Yoo-hoo.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13'Your mind.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18'Don't pretend you're sleeping, I know you're awake.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20'I just thought, seeing as you're awake,
0:12:20 > 0:12:23'we might want to have a wee think about some things.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26'Some things you don't have the time to think about during the day.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28'Some concerns.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30'Some worries.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32'How are you for money? Are you all right?
0:12:32 > 0:12:34'Some mortgage you've got yourself there, eh?
0:12:34 > 0:12:35'Are you sure you're going to cope?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37'How long have you got left on it, 20 year?
0:12:37 > 0:12:38'A lot can happen in that time.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41'People out of work everywhere. How you going to cope?
0:12:41 > 0:12:45'Have you got enough? What if, you know what I mean? What if?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47'How you going to cope?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49'Here, forget about that, it's only money.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51'It's only money. As long as you've got your health.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53'Here, speaking of health, not long now, eh?
0:12:53 > 0:12:55'Getting on a bit, eh? Getting old.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59'Not long now, you're practically halfway through it.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01'More than halfway, if you chop the last bit off,
0:13:01 > 0:13:03'the bit that's no worth living.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06'Have you done enough, do you reckon? Done enough with your life?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09'If you got hit by a bus tomorrow, do you think you've done enough?
0:13:09 > 0:13:10'Are you happy?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13'Aye? Naw? Naw?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16'Och, who cares about the past? You've got it all ahead of you,
0:13:16 > 0:13:20'years ahead of you, you and her and the wean.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23'Here, what about her? Is she happy?
0:13:23 > 0:13:24'Happy with you?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26'Here, I wonder who's gonnae die first.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27'Got to be somebody.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31'You've seen what that does to people? Loss, bereavement.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33'Christ, pray you go first.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34'Might be sooner than you think,
0:13:34 > 0:13:36'I just hope you're happy when it comes.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37'Naw, you've got years ahead.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40'Years to chip away at that mortgage.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43'Listen, I can see you're trying to get to sleep, so I'll let you go.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46'Food for thought, though, eh? Food for thought.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47'Night-night.'
0:13:51 > 0:13:53DANCE MUSIC
0:14:28 > 0:14:30And...
0:14:32 > 0:14:34It's the sleeping guy.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36It's the sleeping guy, ha ha.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38You really couldn't make this up, you couldn't write it.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41What's his, what's his name?
0:14:41 > 0:14:42Owen.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Owen, wake up, mate!
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Owen, wake up!
0:14:46 > 0:14:48He's not got us on either!
0:14:48 > 0:14:50You really couldn't make it up, eh?
0:14:50 > 0:14:51You couldn't make it up.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Listen, sorry about that, folks, enjoy the rest of the sketches.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56We'll be back in just a minute wi' Owen.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03..bothering to check, why you're putting him on when he was sleeping?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05He's not even watching either.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06I'm, I'm what?
0:15:08 > 0:15:09Just a wee joke there.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11We're goi...
0:15:14 > 0:15:15God, I'm so knackered.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18We were at the hospital till three this morning.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19How is your dad?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Well, that's why we were all there. He died.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Really? I'm sorry to hear that, mate. Are you all right?
0:15:25 > 0:15:30Aye, I'm fine, I just, maybe just too tired to take it all in.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Look the funeral's on Thursday and I was just wondering
0:15:34 > 0:15:35if you fancied coming?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37When somebody tries to get you to go to a funeral,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40what you want to do is outfuneral them.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Oh, that reminds me, my auntie died.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Oh, God, you're joking.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48No, my auntie, erm, Fluorine.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51The funeral's on Saturday, I'd love for you to come.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53See, the thing is, I've written a speech but I'm nae good
0:15:53 > 0:15:55at public speaking, you know,
0:15:55 > 0:15:58and I'd love for you to read it out for me.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00It's only about 10,000 words, but the thing is
0:16:00 > 0:16:03the funeral's in Portsmouth and thought,
0:16:03 > 0:16:04you know, 14 hours on the Megabus,
0:16:04 > 0:16:07that'd gie you plenty of time to tackle it, wouldn't it?
0:16:07 > 0:16:08So what do you say, mate?
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Are you up for it?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11I'd be honoured.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12Shit!
0:16:20 > 0:16:21Yer maw.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25Yer maw.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28Yer maw.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33He is good.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38Now that wasnae me.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Now that wasnae me.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Now that wasnae me.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Now that wasnae me.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Now that wasnae me.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49All right?
0:17:17 > 0:17:20You're watching Adventure Call.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24My name is Falconhoof and I will be your guide on your quest.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26And it's a special quest this evening,
0:17:26 > 0:17:29as we try out for the very first time Smellyvision,
0:17:29 > 0:17:31using the Adventure Call scratch and sniff cards
0:17:31 > 0:17:34available to purchase at all good newsagents.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37So let us begin. Greetings, line three? What is your name, traveller?
0:17:37 > 0:17:40That's me. Dad, that's me on now!
0:17:40 > 0:17:42All right, Falconhoof? My name's Emma.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Greetings, Emma. Are you ready to begin your quest?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47No, not yet, I cannae find the card.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Going to check, going to just stand up and check.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53I told you I got them. My dad was sitting on them.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57Ah, buried treasure, so to speak. Are you ready to begin?
0:17:57 > 0:17:58Aye. That's me now.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Very well.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05You have been poisoned by Voldesad, your eyesight is fading.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09You must use your sense of smell to help you find the only known cure,
0:18:09 > 0:18:10the white dragon rose.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Right.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Traveller, on card number one there is a panel for west
0:18:15 > 0:18:18and a panel for east. Scratch out these panels and follow your nose.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21All right. Right. I'm scratching out west..
0:18:23 > 0:18:24East.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Oh!
0:18:27 > 0:18:28And what do you smell?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30It smells of shite.
0:18:30 > 0:18:31It shouldn't, em...
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Hold on.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Dad, did you fart on these?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Ha-ha-ha!
0:18:37 > 0:18:38Oh, you're disgusting!
0:18:38 > 0:18:41My dad farted on them. They smell of shite!
0:18:41 > 0:18:43OK, would you like to cancel the game?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46No, no I might not get on again. I'll sniff it again, hold on.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49It's smells like my dad's done a shite,
0:18:49 > 0:18:53but east smells flowery like he sprayed air freshener after it.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54You go east.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Your nose leads you to the white dragon rose.
0:19:01 > 0:19:06You pick it up, but you must run, for you feel the presence of...
0:19:06 > 0:19:07A dragon.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Quickly, traveller! Scratch out the north and south panels
0:19:10 > 0:19:13of card two and run away from the smell of the dragon.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Not again!
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Oh, this one's worse!
0:19:17 > 0:19:19What does a dragon smell like? Is it like fire?
0:19:19 > 0:19:20Yes.
0:19:20 > 0:19:21I've to run away from it?
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Yes.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Head north, then. North smells of farts,
0:19:25 > 0:19:28but south smells like when my dad farts after a fag.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30You run north.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36In your haste, you drop the white dragon rose.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39You must find it fast, for you are now completely blind,
0:19:39 > 0:19:44but be careful where you step. Nearby is the ogre's latrine.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45What's a latrine?
0:19:45 > 0:19:49It is a kind of toilet.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Oh, no!
0:19:50 > 0:19:53This is the last card traveller, card number three.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Scratch out east and west, avoid the ogre's latrine and you will win.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Right. Oh. It's stinking and I've not even sniffed it yet.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Oh, Dad, what did you do that for?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Oh, my dad's just farted again. I cannae do it. I cannae do it.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07I understand.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10No, no, no, I've got to. Right, west.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Oh!
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Can you smell the flowers, yes, would you like to go west?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I don't know. I'll scratch east.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18- You don't have to... - East.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Oh!
0:20:19 > 0:20:24(VOMITS)
0:20:24 > 0:20:26DIAL TONE
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Let's take another call.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Welcome back to Limmy's Show Live.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37This bit was meant to be,
0:20:37 > 0:20:40we were going to take the cameras out into the street.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Go up to people, give out prizes, and broadcast it all live,
0:20:43 > 0:20:46but apparently you need permission from the council,
0:20:46 > 0:20:50you need to write away for permission, two weeks in advance,
0:20:50 > 0:20:52and nobody here bothered to do that.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Nobody here bothered to do that. So, so there you are.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58There you are.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS
0:21:08 > 0:21:12'Fucking walked past a charity shop,
0:21:12 > 0:21:14'the guy was like that, "Just take it".
0:21:14 > 0:21:16'The lassie was like that, "I've told you, we're shut,
0:21:16 > 0:21:18'"come back tomorrow".
0:21:18 > 0:21:19'The guy was like that, "No".
0:21:19 > 0:21:23'I thought, "Here, Dee Dee, look what Lady Luck's
0:21:23 > 0:21:25'"just dropped on your lap."
0:21:25 > 0:21:28'"A big black bag full of all sorts going to waste.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29'"Get it up the road."
0:21:29 > 0:21:31'I thought... Cool.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33'Trooped up the road with my goody bag.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37'It was like Christmas had came early. But what was I getting?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39'Gave it a wee squeeze.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41'It was soft, like a bean bag.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45'I thought, "Here, maybe it's... a bean bag."
0:21:45 > 0:21:49'But it had hard bits, bumpy bits like... a bean bag.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51'But a bean bag full of games.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56'And I rattled the wee metal bits, like maybe it was, I don't know...
0:21:56 > 0:21:59'The suspense was killing me, it could be anything, man.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02'Opened it up, clothes.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06'Nae games, nae bean bag, fucking clothes.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10'Not even the kind I could wear. Nae trainers, scants, nothing.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14'Just all this smart gear for folk want to be all paint the town red.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15'And that got me thinking,
0:22:15 > 0:22:19'"Here, Dee Dee, I bet these clothes have seen a night out or two, eh?"
0:22:19 > 0:22:22'Pubs, clubs, cocktail bars.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24'These clothes have had more of a life than you my man.'
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Shut up!
0:22:25 > 0:22:28'But listen, they are yours, your clothes.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31'Stick them on and this could be the night of your life.'
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Aye.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37'So I battered on the top hat and tails, the Sunday best,
0:22:37 > 0:22:39'and I headed up the town.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41'Turning heads wherever I went.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43'Folk beeping their horn, giving us a wave.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46'"You wanting a lift up that town?" And I was like that...'
0:22:46 > 0:22:47No, I'll get youse up there.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50It's a beautiful night, I feel like a stroll, youse roll on.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53'And I gets to the club, gets to the bouncer.'
0:22:53 > 0:22:55How's it going, my man?
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Oh, not tonight, my friend.
0:22:57 > 0:22:58What? How no?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Can't let you in with trainers, mate.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04Cool.
0:23:08 > 0:23:09How's that do you?
0:23:10 > 0:23:11In.
0:23:12 > 0:23:13'I gets in.
0:23:13 > 0:23:18'The place was bouncing, everybody's mad with it. Tunes were amazing.'
0:23:18 > 0:23:21# Dr Jones, Jones, calling Dr Jones... #
0:23:21 > 0:23:25'Met up with all the old crowd, faces I hadn't seen for ages.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27'Not to mention some new faces and all.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29'Took care of some business.'
0:23:29 > 0:23:30Any sweeties, mate?
0:23:30 > 0:23:31'And I had myself a wee dance.'
0:23:31 > 0:23:33# Ah-yippie-yi-yeah
0:23:33 > 0:23:35# Ah-yippie-yi-yeah
0:23:35 > 0:23:37# Ah-yippie-yi-yeah-ah. #
0:23:37 > 0:23:40'But by the end of the night, things turned ugly.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43'The demon drink turned pal against pal.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46'Nae sooner had I broke up one fight then another had started.'
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Oh, fuck this. I'm out of here, man.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51'The night was over, or so I thought,
0:23:51 > 0:23:53'because as I was making a bee-line for the door,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56'I saw a sight that stopped me dead.'
0:24:02 > 0:24:04'A lady.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06'A lady of the highest calibre.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11'Didn't know where to look, but she took me by the hand,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14'confidently, and led me out.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17'And we walked but didnae talk.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19'What was happening was more than words.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22'I could see she was Baltic so I gave her my jacket.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25'And walked her to her door.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26'She gave me the come on.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28'But I was a gentleman.'
0:24:28 > 0:24:31You're drunk, ask me next time.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32'And we parted with a smile.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37'What a night, the club, my pals and her.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40'I never did get her name. I hope to see her again.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45'And I've got a feeling I just might.'
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Hi, there. Hey, how's it going, how's your afternoon?
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Chuggers. What you want to do is outchug them.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Hey!
0:24:57 > 0:24:58Hi, so have you got a minute?
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Aye, no bother.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Hi, so, my name's Caroline and I'll cut to the chase,
0:25:03 > 0:25:05I'm collecting for charity, obviously, and...
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Hold on. Is this for an illness?
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Yeah.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09That kills people?
0:25:09 > 0:25:10Yeah.
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Will it kill me?
0:25:11 > 0:25:12Maybe.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Maybe? Why would I want to give you money to help stop an illness
0:25:15 > 0:25:17that might not be the one that kills me?
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Am I not best to give my money to help stop the one that will?
0:25:20 > 0:25:22But you don't know what one will kill you.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23You're right, I don't, but I will.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25One day the doctor will sit me down and tell me.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27And I'll want all my money going on that.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Hmmm. I guess that makes sense.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32No, it doesnae, because it's going to take a hell of a lot more
0:25:32 > 0:25:33than just my money to find a cure.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35I need your help.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Huh?
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Well, you just asked me to give you money to help stop an illness
0:25:39 > 0:25:41that might not kill either of us.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Now it's my turn to ask you to give some money to help stop the illness
0:25:44 > 0:25:46that definitely will kill me.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47I need your help.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Just whatever you can afford.
0:25:54 > 0:25:55God bless.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Hey buddy, you think you've had a bad day?
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Today I had to tell my kids I've got a tumour.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12STIFLED LAUGHTER
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Hey, you know, you're a real S. O. B.
0:26:31 > 0:26:32He's good.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36Fannies are...
0:26:42 > 0:26:43Right.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47But you did it with him. You did it with him!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50How come you won't do it with me?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Welcome back to Limmy's Show Live. We've heard he's awake,
0:27:00 > 0:27:03we've heard he's got us switched on so...
0:27:03 > 0:27:06How's it going, Owen? You're live on Limmy's Show!
0:27:09 > 0:27:10How's it going, mate?
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Your dad put you up to it, says you're a big fan of the show.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14How's it going, mate?
0:27:15 > 0:27:19Can you hear us, mate? I know you can because I can hear the telly.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Give us a wee wave if you can hear us.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Right, so you can hear us. How's it going, mate?
0:27:27 > 0:27:28Mate, I've had a pretty bad night,
0:27:28 > 0:27:30it would be good if something went well for a change,
0:27:30 > 0:27:35fancy not just sitting there and just smiling. How's it going, mate?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Your dad's a prick!
0:27:37 > 0:27:38What?
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Aye, that got you talking, eh? I knew this was a bad idea.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42What did you say about my dad?
0:27:42 > 0:27:43Oh, shut up, you.
0:27:43 > 0:27:44No, you shut up!
0:27:44 > 0:27:47No, you shut up, you shut up, you shut up, you shut up, you shut up,
0:27:47 > 0:27:49you shut up, you shut up, you shut up! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Has he switched us off?
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Right, wait until he switches us back on, right.
0:27:55 > 0:27:56You shut up, you shut up. Ha-ha.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58I'm in your living room telling you to shut up.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00You shut up, you shut up!
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Ha-ha.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05It's no funny we'll probably have to pay for that.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06Oh, you shut up and all.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Well, folks, that's the end of the show.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Yaaaay.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Yaaaay.