0:00:10 > 0:00:12Welcome to Limmy's Show.
0:00:18 > 0:00:19Look at that.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22It's one of they exhaust pipes for a tumble drier.
0:00:22 > 0:00:26He's had that outside his door for six months.
0:00:26 > 0:00:31No joke, six months. Never uses it. It hasnae budged an inch.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33And somebody stays there. Somebody does stay there.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36He's in and out every day, and he steps over it!
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Instead of just picking it up and putting it in the bin,
0:00:38 > 0:00:40he steps over it. I've seen him.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Eh, wait, listen to me. I'm meant to be entertaining you,
0:00:43 > 0:00:45and I'm going on about some stupid tumble drier exhaust pipe.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48I'm not going to let it bother me. You just enjoy the show, right?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00DANCE BEAT PLAYS
0:01:10 > 0:01:11HE WOLF WHISTLES
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Bleurgh!
0:01:13 > 0:01:15DISCO BEAT PLAYS
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Here. How good would this be, eh?
0:01:35 > 0:01:39MUSIC: "Oxygene (Part IV)" by Jean Michel Jarre
0:01:43 > 0:01:45You're watching Adventure Call.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49My name is Falconhoof, and I will be your guide on your quest.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52But tonight's quest will not feature one traveller, but two,
0:01:52 > 0:01:55as we team up two callers selected at random.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Wizard, please select our first traveller.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00CALM MUSIC PLAYS
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- GONG - Greetings, Raj.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04ON PHONE: 'All right, Falconhoof?'
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- Are you ready to meet your partner? - 'My what?'
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Are you ready to meet your travelling companion?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11'Aye. I'm no' into this, by the way.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13'I never knew this was gonnae happen.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15'I just wanted to dae it myself.'
0:02:15 > 0:02:17I mentioned it on last night's Adventure Call.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18'Aye, well it's happening now, so...
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- 'go.'- Very well.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Wizard, please select our second traveller.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28- GONG - Greetings, McFee.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29ON PHONE: 'All right?'
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Travellers, you may greet each other.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35CALM MUSIC PLAYS
0:02:35 > 0:02:36Let us begin.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39You awake in a cellar.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42McFee, you are chained and padlocked to the floor.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- 'What?' - RAJ LAUGHS
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- 'What you laughing at?'- 'Shut it.' - 'You shut it.'
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Travellers, please, let me continue.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52McFee, beside you is a key, but it does not fit your padlock.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Raj, you are at the other side of the cellar.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57You are also chained and padlocked. Beside...
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- 'Ha ha ha!'- 'Shut it.' - 'You shut it.'
0:02:59 > 0:03:00- 'I'll shut you.'- 'I'll shut YOU.'
0:03:00 > 0:03:01Raj, please.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Beside you is also a key, but it does not fit YOUR padlock.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Travellers, what would you like to do?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09- 'Chuck us your key.' - 'Chuck us YOUR key.'
0:03:09 > 0:03:11- 'Chuck us yours first.' - 'Aye, right.'
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- 'You are a wee fanny, by the way.' - 'You're the fanny.'
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- 'You're a fanny.' - 'No, you're a fanny.'
0:03:16 > 0:03:19If you can't decide, you will both remain in the cellar.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21'Hold on...just clocked your picture.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23'Are you Raj fae South Nitshill?'
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- 'Aye.'- 'Raj the grass?'
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- 'What?'- 'You're a grass.' - 'I'm no' a grass.'
0:03:27 > 0:03:28'You're a grass.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- 'Falconhoof, he's a grass.' - I don't think this is the...
0:03:31 > 0:03:32'What, are you McFee from Carnwadric?'
0:03:32 > 0:03:34'Oh, you've heard of me, aye?'
0:03:34 > 0:03:35'Heard of your sister.'
0:03:35 > 0:03:37'What's that meant to mean?!'
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Please, travellers. Please. You are both locked in a cellar.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Who will throw their key first?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Who will be the bigger man?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47- 'I'll dae it.'- 'Naw, I'll dae it.'
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- 'No. I'LL dae it.'- 'I said it first. Throw key to McFee.'
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Raj, you throw your key to McFee.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54'Right, chuck us yours.'
0:03:54 > 0:03:55'Use key on padlock.'
0:03:55 > 0:03:57'What are you doing? Chuck us the key.'
0:03:57 > 0:04:00'All in good time. Falconhoof, use key on padlock.'
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Very well. McFee, you unlock your padlock.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- You are free. - 'Right, chuck us the key.'
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- 'Exit cellar.' - 'What you doing? Gie us your key.'
0:04:09 > 0:04:12McFee, if you exit the cellar, Raj will be left to perish.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15'Perish! Ha ha! Leave Raj the grass to perish.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- 'Exit cellar.' - 'Your sister's a cow.'
0:04:17 > 0:04:19- 'What?!'- Travellers...
0:04:19 > 0:04:21'Your sister's a cow. McFee's sister's a cow.'
0:04:21 > 0:04:24'Where are you? South Nitshill, right now?'
0:04:24 > 0:04:25'Aye, why? Are you squaring up to us, aye?'
0:04:25 > 0:04:27'Priesthill & Darnley Station in an hour.'
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Please, you are supposed to be a team.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- 'Aye, and bring a team.' - No, I didn't mean...
0:04:31 > 0:04:34'I'll bring a team. South Nitsy Young Team, ya fucking...'
0:04:34 > 0:04:35'Young Toon Tongs, ya fu...'
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Let's take another call.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Karma.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52You send good things out...
0:04:54 > 0:04:56..you get good things back.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Lot of shite.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Because...bad things are gonnae happen anyway.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04And if you've been good...
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Well, you're going to feel that life is so unfair.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09So unfair.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10So, you may as well be bad.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13That way, if something bad does happen, you'll feel,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16"Ach... Fair enough."
0:05:16 > 0:05:19RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS
0:05:26 > 0:05:28MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
0:05:33 > 0:05:35MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:05:37 > 0:05:40What's that? Somebody's scratched her motor?
0:05:43 > 0:05:44BOY SOBS
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Ach...
0:05:47 > 0:05:50'I've noticed you can get anything you want in life,
0:05:50 > 0:05:52'just wi' a smile.'
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Can I have a lick of your ice cream?
0:05:54 > 0:05:55No.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Here, just take it.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06'See?'
0:06:09 > 0:06:13'Anything you want in life, just wi' a smile.'
0:06:13 > 0:06:14Gonnae gie us a kiss?
0:06:15 > 0:06:16What?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Please don't hurt me.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32'Told you!
0:06:32 > 0:06:35'All you need to dae is smile.'
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Gonnae gie us your truncheon?
0:06:38 > 0:06:39What?
0:06:52 > 0:06:53What happened?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05- All right?- All right?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16HE SIGHS HEAVILY
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Hey! You all right?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25All right? Long time no see... Eh, we used to work together.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27- Oh, hiya.- Hiya.- Hiya.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29So, how's things?
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Aye, good. Yourself?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Aye, good. You just in for a wee spot of shopping, aye?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Aye. You?
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Aye.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Ach! "Are you just in for a spot of shopping?" What?!
0:07:44 > 0:07:47You see, the thing is, I don't really know the guy.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50He doesnae really know me. Aye, we worked together, but...
0:07:50 > 0:07:53it was a big office, we barely spoke, but...
0:07:53 > 0:07:55we've not seen each other for years,
0:07:55 > 0:07:57we thought we'd be polite and stop and chat...
0:07:57 > 0:07:59We made a mistake.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00Now one of us is going to have to say goodbye.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Looks like it's going to have to be me.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06"Are you just in for a spot of shopping?" What?!
0:08:06 > 0:08:08- All right, well... - So where is it you work now?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10- Well, eh... - Oh, shit. What's she playing at?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Who cares where he works? Now I have to pretend to be interested,
0:08:13 > 0:08:16and he knows that I'm no', otherwise I'd have asked myself.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Well, she asked the question, she can deal wi' it.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21I do illustrations for the Institute of Civil Engineers.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22I'm freelance, really, but they...
0:08:22 > 0:08:26- What is civil engineering, anyway? - Eh... Well, it's engineering...
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- MOBILE PHONE RINGS - Sorry, I need to take this.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32- Hello?- Civil engineering, it's...
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Oh, no. I don't care. I wasnae even listening. And he knows it.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38How can I put it? It deals with the construction of bridges...
0:08:38 > 0:08:42- Och, you know, that's no' really... - No, it's cool. I know what it is.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45So, what about yourself? What are you up to these days?
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Keep it short and sweet and let's just get out of here.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Och, just the usual.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Perfect!
0:08:53 > 0:08:54So, what is it you dae yourself?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56What am I doing? I don't even know her!
0:08:56 > 0:08:58I might as well just ask passers-by,
0:08:58 > 0:09:00"Excuse me, mate, excuse me hen, what is it you dae?"
0:09:00 > 0:09:02I don't even know her!
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- Sorry about that.- No, it's cool. That's us away...
0:09:04 > 0:09:06So, eh, you were saying...
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Oh, aye. Civil engineering...
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Och, here, you know what I should have done...?
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Hey! You all right?
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Aye.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18What do you fancy for dinner tonight?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20I tell you what. I could murder a steak.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22What's that? You could murder a steak?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Eee! I could fuck a duck.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26QUACK
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Who's this guy? I don't know.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Sometimes two people just happen to be walking down the same street
0:09:36 > 0:09:37at the same time.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Sometimes they both decide to speed up...
0:09:40 > 0:09:44sometimes they both decide to slow down.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Sometimes they both decide to stop...
0:09:46 > 0:09:49and pretend to tie their lace.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Sometimes they both take a right...
0:09:53 > 0:09:55sometimes they take a left.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Sometimes they turn around...
0:09:57 > 0:09:59and turn around again.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01And stop.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03And go.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04And stop.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06And go.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07And stop.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12And go...
0:10:12 > 0:10:14into a shop.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Sometimes they both decide to buy the exact same thing...
0:10:18 > 0:10:19..and another...
0:10:21 > 0:10:22..and another...
0:10:23 > 0:10:26..before both deciding to just leave it after all.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30Sometimes two people do the exact same thing at the exact same time.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31But me?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33HE CHUCKLES
0:10:33 > 0:10:35I'm just trying to freak the guy out.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40'Fucking...
0:10:40 > 0:10:42'I was in the shops for milk,
0:10:42 > 0:10:46'and I saw the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47'A toothbrush.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49'It was red, shiny.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53'The size of it, man! I couldnae get my head around it.'
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Never seen the likes of it, man.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58'I thought, "Dee Dee, you've got your milk.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00"Move on. There's nothing to see here."
0:11:04 > 0:11:06'Sold.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09'The seconds I gets outside, the gloom hits me.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10'I was like that...'
0:11:10 > 0:11:12"Dee Dee, what have you done?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14"You'll be on cornflakes and water for the rest of the week,
0:11:14 > 0:11:17"and for this? What did you get it for?"
0:11:17 > 0:11:20And I thought, "I don't know."
0:11:20 > 0:11:23'So I starts showing it off, trying to get some of that buzz back.'
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Here. Check that out, eh?
0:11:27 > 0:11:28'No.'
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Here...
0:11:31 > 0:11:32That's mental, isn't it?
0:11:34 > 0:11:35'No.'
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Here.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Call that a toothbrush?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43That's a toothbrush.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45'Nae takers.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46'So I tried to put it to good use,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49'to help people, to make a difference.'
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Freshen up for the meeting, sir? No?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53'No.'
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Have a nice day at school, OK? Och, here, what's this?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58This wee bit's always sticking up, Finn, isn't it?
0:11:58 > 0:11:59- Try and get that down...- Here.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Try this.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02'No.'
0:12:06 > 0:12:07Here.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09That'll sort it.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12'Nae use.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16'Couldnae even gie it away. Nae use to man nor beast.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19'The most useless, pointless, daftest looking thing on the planet.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21'What did you get it for?
0:12:21 > 0:12:25'Then I realised why. To take it home, where it belongs.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29'The most useless, pointless, daftest thing on the planet...
0:12:30 > 0:12:31'and his toothbrush.'
0:12:45 > 0:12:48It's funny. Look at the way it's curved.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50It's kind of like a question mark, isn't it?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53And the question is, why?
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Why does he no' just put it in the bin?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57The question is, how?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59How does he no' just put it in the bin?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01The question is, when?
0:13:01 > 0:13:04When's he gonnae put that in the bin?
0:13:04 > 0:13:05The question is, where?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07What do you mean, "where?" Right there.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09The same place it's been for six months.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10The question is...
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- All right?- Emm...
0:13:14 > 0:13:16- Do you want me to say something?- No.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22How you doing? You're the new guy, aren't you?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- Aye. Brian.- Graham.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26What can I get you, Graham?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- Roll and bacon, Mary.- And you, John?
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Same for me, Mary.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31- You?- Same for me, please.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39- What can I get you, John? - Eh, roll and bacon, Mary.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40- Graham?- Same, Mary.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44- You?- Aye, same for me, please...Mary.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- What you after, Graham? - Roll and bacon, Mary.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- You, John?- Same for me, Mary.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- You?- Aye, same for me, Mary.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59You're the new lassie, aren't you?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- Aye. Elaine.- I'm Brian.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03My name's Brian.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- What you having, John? - Eh, roll and bacon, Mary.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12- Graham?- The same, Mary.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13You?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16You know, Brian, Mary. Roll and bacon for me.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18- And for you, Elaine? - Same for me please, Mary.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25- You're the new guy, aren't you? - Aye.- I'm Brian.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Oh, same here!
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- What you after, Graham? - Roll and bacon, Mary.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33- John?- Same for me, Mary.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- Brian?- Same for me, Mary.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37- And you?- Same.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- So, this is your last day? - Yep, fly out on Monday.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- And you're away for good? - Yep, no' coming back.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Same job, double the money... Australia!
0:14:48 > 0:14:49Lucky, lucky bastard.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- What can I get you, Brian? - Yep, nothing for me here...
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Brian?
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Can I have a...roll and bacon, please, Mary?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07- Fuck Australia! Yes! - ALL CHEER
0:15:12 > 0:15:13All right, mate?
0:15:13 > 0:15:14All right.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- Were you out clubbing last night, aye?- Aye.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Bet you wish you were back in your bed, eh?
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Aye.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Aye, see you later.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29JOLLY TUNE PLAYS
0:16:08 > 0:16:10PUNCHING AND GROANING
0:16:26 > 0:16:28GONG
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Don't look. Don't...
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Yeah.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45CHEESY CHAT SHOW THEME TUNE PLAYS
0:16:52 > 0:16:54APPLAUSE
0:16:57 > 0:17:01Hello. My name's Raymond Day, and welcome to Paraside.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03OK, let's see where the spirit takes us.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Can so... Oh!
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- I got a fright there. - AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Can someone understand... Oh! There it is again!
0:17:12 > 0:17:14AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:17:14 > 0:17:17I'm hearing this sound of a... What are they called?
0:17:17 > 0:17:20It's like a big...cymbal that you hit like that.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22You know, kind of looks like a big metal biscuit.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- A gong. - A gong, that's it, a gong.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28I'm hearing the sound of a gong...
0:17:28 > 0:17:30So, I'm looking for someone
0:17:30 > 0:17:33who travelled recently to the Orient, or...
0:17:34 > 0:17:36You, my angel.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Yeah, I travelled around Japan last year, last summer.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- Oh, its a beautiful part of the world isn't it?- Yeah.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Oh, I'd love to go, but I've seen the pictures...
0:17:44 > 0:17:47They have those temples, beautiful temples, don't they?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49- Did you go?- Yeah.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50And they have those statues of...
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Scary-looking statues like ogres or gargoyles...
0:17:54 > 0:17:56- Funny looking things, aren't they? - Yeah, some of them.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59And did you have a wee chuckle at them?
0:17:59 > 0:18:00I did.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02OK, that was the wrong answer.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03ALL: Oooh!
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Because, you see, I have here a demon.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08You've offended a demon, you've brought back a demon.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Can everyone just move away, please?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13That's it, as quick as you can. He has a demon.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17OK, so you have a demon.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19It's not like The Exorcist. I cannot cure you,
0:18:19 > 0:18:23but I can alleviate your suffering before you pass away, OK?
0:18:23 > 0:18:24OK.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26There's three things I want you to do.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29The first thing is try not to be happy,
0:18:29 > 0:18:31because he'll feed on that.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Who were you hoping to make contact with today?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Em...my older brother. He passed away when he was ten.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Do you have good memories of him?
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Yeah.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44Forget them, because they're just going to nourish the demon.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Every time you have a happy thought,
0:18:45 > 0:18:47it'll be like taking the demon to Greggs.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- Do you understand this? - AUDIENCE CHUCKLES
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Second thing, do you have a good support network?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Friends, family, that make you feel better when you get down?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Yeah, I'm really lucky.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Get rid of them. Yeah?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Cos they'll end up making you happy.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05They might anger him. He might even jump into one of them.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06Are you ever around children?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I don't have any kids of my own,
0:19:08 > 0:19:10but I...I sometimes look after my niece.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- Your niece? Have you seen The Exorcist?- Yeah.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Well, by the time he's finished with your niece,
0:19:15 > 0:19:18your niece will make her fae The Exorcist look like Shirley Temple.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- AUDIENCE LAUGHS - OK? So just tell them, "Get lost."
0:19:21 > 0:19:24And thirdly, I want you to see me after the show,
0:19:24 > 0:19:26because we're going to set you up with some aftercare.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28APPLAUSE
0:19:28 > 0:19:32I want you to come along to my centre, week after week,
0:19:32 > 0:19:34month after month, for however long it takes,
0:19:34 > 0:19:38and that will be absolutely free...for the first session.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40APPLAUSE
0:19:40 > 0:19:41OK, we'll leave it there...
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Oh, hold on... What was your older brother's name?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- James.- James? I have him here.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49But it's not a good idea.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Why?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Because it'll make me happy.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54It would only make you happy.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56Bye for now.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59APPLAUSE
0:20:00 > 0:20:07Eee!
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Fuck a duck.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14QUACK
0:20:47 > 0:20:49What the...?!
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Hey! Hey...
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Who was looking in my cubicle?
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Naebody.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57But these guys...
0:20:57 > 0:20:59they saw everything.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02HE LAUGHS EVILLY
0:21:12 > 0:21:15DANCE BEAT PLAYS
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Oosh!
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Oosh, oosh, oosh!
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Dumbbell dance.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Dumbbell dance.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Dumbbell dance, dumbbell dance, do the dumbbell dance...
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Dumbbell dance, do the dumbbell, dumbbell, dumbbell dance.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Do the dumbbell dance. Dumbbell dance.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Do the dumbbell, dumbbell, dumbbell dance.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Do the dumbbell dance. Oosh! Dumbbell dance. Dumbbell dance. Oosh! Oosh!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Do the dumbbell dance.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Do the dumbbell, dumbbell, dumbbell dance.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49HE LAUGHS
0:21:53 > 0:21:56DOG GROWLS
0:21:58 > 0:22:00DOG GROWLS
0:22:01 > 0:22:03DOG GROWLS
0:22:05 > 0:22:08DOG BARKS AND GROWLS
0:22:10 > 0:22:14MUSIC: "Dark Conflict" by Joshua Goldberg
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Go! Go! Goooo!
0:22:39 > 0:22:41HE CRIES OUT
0:22:45 > 0:22:47HE CRIES OUT
0:22:50 > 0:22:52There we are!
0:22:58 > 0:22:59There we are!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS
0:23:08 > 0:23:09HE CHEERS
0:23:16 > 0:23:19HE CHEERS
0:23:24 > 0:23:26DANCE BEAT PLAYS
0:23:39 > 0:23:42'He was the man of my dreams. Or so I thought.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44'Met him at the group therapy.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47'Whisked me off my feet. Stole my heart.
0:23:47 > 0:23:48'I thought he was the one.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51'We'd walk and talk and... I don't know.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54'He just made me feel cracking inside, know?
0:23:54 > 0:23:57'But like all men, you gie them a stitch, and they take nine...'
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Get out my fucking house!
0:24:00 > 0:24:03'A liar. Gave the therapy a swerve for a while.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04'Couldnae bear to look at him.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07'Until I thought, "Jacqueline, the guy's had a relapse.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09"He'll explain."
0:24:09 > 0:24:11'But when I went back, not a word.'
0:24:11 > 0:24:14..so that's me 18 months and counting. Clean.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15'Not a word of truth.'
0:24:15 > 0:24:17APPLAUSE
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Jacqueline, we haven't seen you for a while, so you don't know...
0:24:20 > 0:24:23We're having a karaoke tonight. Are you going to join us?
0:24:23 > 0:24:24Of course.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Good. So, how have you been?
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Good. Good. Just...working away.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32My daughter's well. I'm keeping clean...
0:24:32 > 0:24:33HE SNORTS
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Aye, good. Ups and downs, obviously,
0:24:38 > 0:24:40but at least I'm no back on the smack, eh?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- Sure about that?- You what?!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Look, Darren, please.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Jacqueline...
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Is there anything you want to tell us?
0:24:51 > 0:24:52No.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59What the fuck's going on here?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01While you were away...
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Darren told us what happened.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06He did?
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Your relapse.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Aye.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09What, mine?!
0:25:09 > 0:25:11- The needle.- The needle?!
0:25:11 > 0:25:13- You broke his heart.- What the fuck?!
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Jacqueline, I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Misunderstanding? Well, understand this...
0:25:19 > 0:25:20It isnae!
0:25:20 > 0:25:24'Sat in front of the mirror that night, taking a good look at myself.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26'Check the state of you, Jacqueline.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28'You're sitting in here, bubbling like wean,
0:25:28 > 0:25:31'and they're out there at that karaoke, having a laugh.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33'Laughing at you. Are you taking that?'
0:25:33 > 0:25:35# Oh, yeah... #
0:25:35 > 0:25:36'Am I fuck.'
0:25:37 > 0:25:39MICROPHONE FEEDBACK
0:25:43 > 0:25:46MUSIC: "Something Inside So Strong" by Labi Siffre
0:25:46 > 0:25:47'Sing, Jacqueline.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50'Keep your heid held high, fill your lungs and sing!'
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- OUT OF TUNE:- # The higher you build your barriers...
0:25:58 > 0:26:01# The taller... # I'm sorry, I cannae dae this.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02MICROPHONE FEEDBACK
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Jacqueline!
0:26:05 > 0:26:08I didnae break his heart, he broke mine! Youse all did!
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Youse broke my heart! Youse broke my soul!
0:26:10 > 0:26:11SHE SCREAMS
0:26:14 > 0:26:16'And I broke every bone in my body.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17'Out the game.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21'And when I woke up, staring down at me was the face of an angel.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23'I thought I'd died and went to heaven.
0:26:23 > 0:26:28'And for the next six weeks, that's just what it was - heaven.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32'Being nursed back to health by my own private guardian angel.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34'Feeding me, cleaning me,
0:26:34 > 0:26:35'scratching my arse.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36'But it was more than that.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38'He made me feel better on the inside.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41'He taught me to let my guard down, open up.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43'So that's what I did.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47'Spilled my guts, confessed my sins, told him every bad thing about me.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51'But every time I did, he told me two things about me that were good.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53'Couldnae wait to get out of that stookie
0:26:53 > 0:26:54'and fling my arms around him.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58'I was sick of being wrapped up in white like a mummy.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00'But that didnae stop me doing it one more time.'
0:27:00 > 0:27:03MUSIC: "Wedding March" by Mendelssohn
0:27:03 > 0:27:06'The man of my dreams. My guardian angel.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08'The best thing that ever happened to me.'
0:27:10 > 0:27:11'Aye...
0:27:11 > 0:27:13'and don't he know it.'
0:27:20 > 0:27:23No, no, that's it. I'm saying something. I'm saying something.
0:27:26 > 0:27:27- All right?- All right?
0:27:27 > 0:27:32Eh... Can I ask you something? Are you happy with how the close is?
0:27:32 > 0:27:33In what way?
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Well, do you think it could be, like, maybe be, like...
0:27:36 > 0:27:39tidier or something?
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Aye, I suppose so.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43I'm a bit sick of seeing that bike on the landing every morning.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46Right.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Do you know whose it is?
0:27:48 > 0:27:51- It's mine.- Well, would you mind moving it?
0:27:51 > 0:27:52Aye, nae bother.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Well, wait... Well, if I'm gonnae dae that, could you...
0:27:57 > 0:27:59..just let us know if I do it again?
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Aye, nae bother.
0:28:01 > 0:28:02Thanks for that.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12HE SIGHS
0:28:39 > 0:28:44Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:44 > 0:28:46HE SIGHS