0:00:02 > 0:00:06Britain, Britain, Britain - land of technological achievement.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09We've had running water for over ten years,
0:00:09 > 0:00:13an underground tunnel that links us to Peru, and we invented the cat.
0:00:13 > 0:00:18These innovations are only possible because of the people of Britain
0:00:18 > 0:00:22and it is those people that we do look at today.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Let's do it!
0:00:30 > 0:00:35It's half past Rene at this comprehensive in Darkley Noone.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43BELL RINGS Projects in by Monday next week.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46- Vicky, stay behind.- Good luck.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Yes, thank you, Kelly. Right, come here, please, Vicky.
0:01:04 > 0:01:09It's been two weeks. I still don't have your essay on Lord Kitchener.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12What happened was, was I was going round Karl's
0:01:12 > 0:01:16but Shelley Todd, bitch, said that Destiny stole Rochelle's purse,
0:01:16 > 0:01:20but Rochelle flicked ash in Michaela's hair.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23I'm more interested in your coursework.
0:01:23 > 0:01:29What happened was, was Ashley Cramer said Samantha's brother smells of mud
0:01:29 > 0:01:31but, shut up, never stole no car!
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Vicky, have you started this essay?
0:01:33 > 0:01:40No but yeah but no cos I'm not on the pill cos Nadine reckons they stop you getting pregnant.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43If I don't get this essay, I'll have to fail you.
0:01:43 > 0:01:49Louise emptied a can of Fanta into Shannon's bag, but Luke says he fingered her in the language lab.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53- Vicky, do you want to pass your GCSE?- GCS what?!
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Don't give me evos!
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Inside 10 Downing Street,
0:01:59 > 0:02:03the Prime Minister is having a meeting with one of his aides.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07ICE-CREAM VAN TUNE PLAYS >
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Of course, if I was Prime Minister, I'd knock through to Number 11
0:02:12 > 0:02:16and have a sort of larger living area, really open up the space.
0:02:16 > 0:02:23Prime Minister, the meeting with the Trade and Industry Secretary has now been rescheduled for 6.15.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26So the Chancellor's now at 7?
0:02:26 > 0:02:27Hiya!
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- Oh. Hello.- Yes?
0:02:31 > 0:02:35Sebastian - Gregory Merchant. He's just come to us from the Treasury.
0:02:35 > 0:02:40- Nice to meet you.- Whatever. ..Prime Minister, can I have a word?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- Can't it wait? - It's kind of important.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- Gregory, would you...- Of course.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Who was that?
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Gregory, the new boy at the Treasury. He's rather good.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59- Oh, is he(?)- Got a double first at Cambridge. Really knows his stuff.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- I don't like him.- Why's that?
0:03:02 > 0:03:06- I see the way he looks at you. - What about it?
0:03:06 > 0:03:10He was looking at you... like he loves you.
0:03:10 > 0:03:16- I don't think so.- He's obviously got some kind of mad crush on you, Prime Minister.
0:03:18 > 0:03:25- I think it's very unlikely. - It's true. He gets all kind of nervous when he's around you.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- Is that everything?- Yes.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42- Do you want to get up?- No.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Could you call Gregory back in?
0:03:45 > 0:03:49(Gregory.) I think he's gone. So, anyway, um...
0:03:49 > 0:03:55Gregory, come in, please. Sebastian's leaving. Show him out.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00Bitch.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04HYSTERICAL SOBS >
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Sorry about that. Where were we?
0:04:10 > 0:04:14- Your meeting with the Chancellor. - Oh, yes.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Ooh...you smell nice.
0:04:21 > 0:04:26People in Britain do all manner of things for kicks.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Some lick stamps, others sit on chairs.
0:04:29 > 0:04:36This fellow, who calls himself Emily Howard, likes to dress up as a lady. Takes all sorts, I suppose.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41Ooh! Ooh! Absolutely tipping it down out there.
0:04:41 > 0:04:49That's the only reason I came in here alone, without a chaperone. I am a lady, you see. Pay me no heed.
0:04:49 > 0:04:55I have never been in a "pub" before. Tell me, what does one do?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58You can order a drink if you like, mate.
0:04:58 > 0:05:03- I'll have a lady's drink, s'il vous plait.- What can I get you?
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- I'd like to buy the lady a drink. - What?
0:05:06 > 0:05:11I said I'd like to buy you a drink, if that's OK.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15- But... But I am a lady. - Yeah, I know,
0:05:15 > 0:05:17and I'd like to buy you a drink.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Oh, um... Well, a drinkypoopoo.
0:05:20 > 0:05:25- Yes, I'll have a slimline tonic water, please.- Right, you are.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29And two packets of crisps - the barbecued beef variety.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Merci beaucoup.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- Cheers.- Chin-chin!
0:05:36 > 0:05:42- Ooh! It goes straight to my head! - So tell me a bit about yourself.
0:05:42 > 0:05:47Well, my name is Emily, Emily Howard, and I am a lady
0:05:47 > 0:05:54so I like to do ladies things, like attend the operettas and les ballets. Do you like the theatre?
0:05:54 > 0:05:56No, but I like you.
0:05:56 > 0:06:01You must know that I am a lady. I press flowers and stroke kittens
0:06:01 > 0:06:05and swim in rivers...wearing dresses and hats...and shit.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07You're a lovely looking lady.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15You embarrass me! I must go and powder my nose.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20'Ere, you wanna be careful with that one.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22She's gorgeous.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Watch my pint. I'm off for a slash.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Hello, again!
0:06:42 > 0:06:46Meanwhile, southeast of Northwestshire,
0:06:46 > 0:06:49lies the little town of Herby.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Wait! Stop!
0:06:51 > 0:06:57Andy's birthday is just over a year away and his friend, Lou, has decided to do something special.
0:06:57 > 0:07:04- There's your milk. Your birthday's coming up and I said I'd take you to London to see a show.- I know.
0:07:04 > 0:07:09All the shows are advertised here. Which one do you want to see, cos I gotta book?
0:07:09 > 0:07:14- That one.- The Royal Opera House? I don't think you'd like that.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18- That one.- Well, what about Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?
0:07:18 > 0:07:23- It's got Michael Balls in it. You like Michael Balls!- Yeah, I know.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26- So which one do you want to see? - That one.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- It's La Traviata. It's an opera. - Yeah, I know.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33It's very expensive. It's about £100 a ticket.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35That one.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39All right. We'll go to the opera.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42ORCHESTRA TUNES UP
0:07:44 > 0:07:47# Estrada... #
0:07:47 > 0:07:50I don't like it.
0:07:51 > 0:07:58This is Kelsey Grammar School in Flange. Schools are where tomorrow adults, or children, are harvested.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05BELL RINGS
0:08:08 > 0:08:14For these boys, the first lesson of the day is on Charles Dickens' Great Expectations.
0:08:14 > 0:08:19- "..and ran home without stopping." - Palfrey, you take over.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24Top of page 116.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28"My sister, Mrs Joe Gargery, had brought me up by hand.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- "Knowing her to have..." - Johnson, you take over.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35"..in the habit of laying it upon her..."
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- Clark.- "I supp..."- Back to Johnson.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42- "..supposed that Joe..." - Pelham, you take over.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46- "..That Joe Gargery and I were both brought up by hand."- Worms.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50- "Not a good-looking..."- Meacher. - "..woman."
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Read on, boy!
0:08:56 > 0:09:00- "My sis..."- Rolands. - "..ter, and I had."- Honkeytonk.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04"I had a general impression that she must have been making Joe Gar..."
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Phillips! Nash! Papathasaniou!
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Go on! Read!
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Yes, all of you!
0:09:11 > 0:09:17- ALL: "Joe was a fair man with..." - Melling, Ashworth, join them.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21ALL: "..of his smooth face, and with eyes..."
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Scotch accents.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28ALL: "Of such a verrry undecided blue that they..."
0:09:28 > 0:09:30In the style of The Elephant Man.
0:09:30 > 0:09:37- THEY SLUR: "..seemed to have somehow got mixed with..."- Right, stop!
0:09:37 > 0:09:42- We're not getting anywhere. - I- will read. Page 117.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46"Joe...wass...a...meld..."
0:09:46 > 0:09:48mild...
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Mild...? Mild...
0:09:50 > 0:09:54"good...natter..."
0:09:56 > 0:10:01Shall we just watch the video? Yeah. Yeah, better.
0:10:01 > 0:10:07Unlike other countries, Britain has people of two genders -
0:10:07 > 0:10:09women and men.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Gary and his friend, Jason, are two "men".
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Write it down. Men.
0:10:19 > 0:10:25- That you, Gary?- Yeah, Mum. I'm with my mate, Jason.- Oh, bring him in.
0:10:25 > 0:10:30- All right? This is Jason. This is my sister, Julie.- All right?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- Hello.- This is my mum.- Hello. - How do you do?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36And this is my nan.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Hel-lo!
0:10:37 > 0:10:41ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:10:41 > 0:10:47Gary never told me he had such a beautiful grandmother.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49I'll just go and put the kettle on.
0:10:53 > 0:10:59Why, uh, I haven't seen you around. Where do you normally hang out?
0:10:59 > 0:11:03- Day centre.- Oh. Must check it out.
0:11:04 > 0:11:09- You smell nice. What is it? - Murray Mints.
0:11:09 > 0:11:16- Oi, tell him about the party.- Mmm? Oh, yeah. ..Julie's mate's having a party tonight, Jay. D'you wanna go?
0:11:16 > 0:11:22- What do you reckon, Nan? You up for it?- Eh? What, me?! I don't think she'd want me there.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26- It's for the younger generation. - Yeah, I'll give it a miss, ta.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33So, er, I bet you're a woman of experience.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37Well, I've lived through two world wars.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- Maureen?- Yes, Mum?
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Can you take me to the toilet?
0:11:44 > 0:11:50I'm just making the tea, Mum. Julie, be a good girl - take your nan to the toilet.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53It's OK. I'll do it.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Up we get.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- Oh!- Sorry. I thought that was your elbow.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Meanwhile, at the Uncle Albert Hall,
0:12:12 > 0:12:15a recital was taking place.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19HE PLAYS: "Rondo Alla Turca" by Mozart
0:12:20 > 0:12:24I had a bag! Where's my bag?!
0:12:24 > 0:12:26No, no, here it is.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32HE CONTINUES PLAYING
0:12:38 > 0:12:40HE MOUTHS
0:12:40 > 0:12:45Meanwhile, in Trowby, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig is on a date.
0:12:45 > 0:12:50I usually just have a starter and find that's enough.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52It's nice here.
0:12:53 > 0:12:58It's funny - I don't remember saying I'd go on a date with you.
0:12:59 > 0:13:06- I don't know what to have. It all looks so nice.- The, uh... The set menu is very reasonable.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Ooh, they do baked lobster!
0:13:09 > 0:13:12I've never had lobster before. I'll have that.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Look into my eyes. The eyes. Not around the eyes.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20You're under. You will order from the set menu. Three courses, £8.95.
0:13:20 > 0:13:25You will not order the lobster. 3, 2, 1... You're back in the room.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Oh, there's lots I like on the set menu.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38- You don't mind the set menu, do you? - Whatever you want. That's fine.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Do you know what you want to drink yet?
0:13:42 > 0:13:46Seeing as it's a special occasion, let's have a bottle of bubbly.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Look into my eyes. The eyes.
0:13:52 > 0:13:57You're under. You will choose a soft drink, NOT champagne.
0:13:57 > 0:14:03I don't fancy you that much and I resent you bleeding me dry here. 3, 2, 1... You're back in the room.
0:14:03 > 0:14:09- Are you ready to order, madam?- I'll order from the set menu, please.
0:14:09 > 0:14:14- I'll have the spring roll and chicken chow mein.- And to drink?
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- Just a glass of water.- Tap.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21And for sir?
0:14:21 > 0:14:25I'm not hungry. Just the lobster and a bottle of champagne.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Above this theatre here in Sneddy
0:14:29 > 0:14:33is the office of theatrical agent Jeremy Rent.
0:14:36 > 0:14:42- BUZZER SOUNDS - Yes?- 'Dennis Waterman to see you.' - Lovely, do send him in.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45- Hello.- Hello.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Ooh, that's a big dog!
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Have you never met Wolfitt?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Shake his hand.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Good boy.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Woo!
0:15:02 > 0:15:07- Tired.- I'm glad you popped in. The Troot Theatre Company just called.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- Oh. Not telly?- No.
0:15:10 > 0:15:17- As long as you insist on writing your own theme tunes, telly won't touch you.- What about EastEnders?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- They've already got a theme tune. - Mine's better.
0:15:20 > 0:15:25# Lots of things are happening in Albert Square, doo-doo-doo... #
0:15:25 > 0:15:31Yes, thank you(!) The Troot Theatre Company are doing Macbeth and they want you for the lead.
0:15:33 > 0:15:39- Ooh, heavy.- Just one thing - they do start rehearsals on Monday.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43- That's not much time to write a new theme tune.- No, Dennis...
0:15:43 > 0:15:46it's a straight play. No music.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48So...yes or no?
0:15:49 > 0:15:55# Mr Macbeth is a naughty ma-an Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
0:15:55 > 0:16:00# He gone and killed another man Doo-doo-doo-doo
0:16:00 > 0:16:05# I hath a good idea Just thou keep me near
0:16:05 > 0:16:09# I'll be so good for the Scottish play. #
0:16:09 > 0:16:11I'll tell 'em you're busy.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Could you, uh, give me a hand down, please?
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- Don't drop me! Don't drop me! - I've got you.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Off you pop.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Don't patronise me.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Community centres in Britain
0:16:32 > 0:16:36are used as meeting places for all kinds of groups.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Until a law is passed to imprison fat people,
0:16:40 > 0:16:45the gluttons of Britain are free to attend diet classes like this one.
0:16:45 > 0:16:50I would say...12 stone 6. You've gone up half a pound. Bad luck.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- Sorry I'm late, Marjorie. - That's OK, Pat.
0:16:53 > 0:16:59The scales are broken, so I'm just estimating people's weight, so...
0:16:59 > 0:17:02I tell you what, just lift up your arm...
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Yeah, you look about 17 stone to me.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09I weighed myself earlier - I was 16 stone 5.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Oh, well, turn round.
0:17:12 > 0:17:18No, definitely 17, I'm afraid. Oh, it's not easy, is it? Aw-ww.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21And last but not least...Paul.
0:17:21 > 0:17:26- So what are you gonna make me - 20 stone?- Don't be silly, Paul.
0:17:26 > 0:17:2919 stone 11.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34OK, our buzz word for today is...
0:17:35 > 0:17:36..cravings!
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Cravings!
0:17:38 > 0:17:43Not John Cravings! Not John Craving's Newsround! No!
0:17:43 > 0:17:45We're talking cravings.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48What foods do we get cravings of?
0:17:48 > 0:17:52- Tania, start us off.- Chocolate.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Chocolate. Yes. Well done.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56Chocolate.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Lovely. OK.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Uh...Johansen.
0:18:01 > 0:18:06- No, it's Dave.- Oh, sorry, Dave. I always get those names mixed up. Cravings?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- Chocolate.- We've had chocolate.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Chocolate biscuits.
0:18:11 > 0:18:16- Yeah, they're covered in chocolate. - Yeah, that's why he likes 'em!
0:18:16 > 0:18:22That's why you're so fat, because you don't take it seriously.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- Pat?- Cake.- Cake!
0:18:25 > 0:18:31Yes! Cake! We all like a bit of cake, don't we? I know I do. I do! I love a bit of cake!
0:18:31 > 0:18:36I do. I just like cake. I'm one of those people, I come home
0:18:36 > 0:18:40and all I want... I just love cake! CAKE!
0:18:40 > 0:18:45I love a bit of cake! Cake. Lovely. Uh...Mary.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- Fish and chips.- Sorry, do it again.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Fish and chips.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53- Wh...? ..Do it again. - Fish and chips.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55- Again.- Oh, forget it.
0:18:55 > 0:19:01Well, it must be some sort of dish that we don't get over here.
0:19:01 > 0:19:06OK, so how can we eat the food we crave and still lose weight?
0:19:06 > 0:19:12Introducing the all-new Fat Fighters Half The Calories Diet!
0:19:12 > 0:19:19Yeah? Yeah? Take the food you like, whether it's your chocolate or your biscuits or your cake...
0:19:19 > 0:19:24Oh, man, I love de cake! Or your...thing.
0:19:24 > 0:19:29Cut it in half and it's just half the calories. Yeah?
0:19:29 > 0:19:34- Cos it's half the calories, you can have twice as much.- That's stupid.
0:19:34 > 0:19:40- Excuse me?- You're never going to lose weight by doing that. - Oh, dear. 19 stone 12.
0:19:42 > 0:19:47If you're planning a holiday and the Arctic is fully booked,
0:19:47 > 0:19:50- why not try Scotland? - THUNDER ROLLS
0:19:50 > 0:19:55- This is very good.- Yes, I assume it was freshly made on the premises.
0:19:55 > 0:20:00- Enjoying your stay? - Uh, yes... Uh, very much.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04We were just saying how much we like the soup. Did you make it?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Maybe I did, and maybe I didn't.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Well, uh...
0:20:15 > 0:20:19- did you?- Yes!
0:20:19 > 0:20:26- Well, it's delicious, we'd love to be able to make it ourselves.- You'd like to know my secrets, would you?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Well, yes.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Have you ever heard of a thing called butter?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Yes.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43Gold in colour and slippery to the touch.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Yes, butter. Anything else?
0:20:46 > 0:20:54Yes. Did you ever hear the legend of the seeded fruit that is often mistooken for a vegetable?
0:20:55 > 0:20:59- The tomato? - Red in colour and fleshy within.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02But beware of the pips.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08They call it the tom-a-to.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Right, the tomato. Anything else?
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Yes. Have you ever heard of such a thing as a cow?
0:21:15 > 0:21:19- A cow, mind!- Let me think.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24- Yes, I have.- Did you know the cow secretes a liquor from its udder?
0:21:24 > 0:21:25Yes. Milk.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Ye know too much.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Ye know...
0:21:33 > 0:21:36..too much.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46- Anyway, we start off by the castle...- I leave ye
0:21:46 > 0:21:51with a riddle. I'm hard yet soft, I'm coloured yet clear,
0:21:51 > 0:21:55I'm fruity and sweet, I am jelly. What am I?
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Jelly.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Muse upon it further, I shall return.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- It's jelly, though, isn't it.- Yes.
0:22:06 > 0:22:11If you have a verruca and would like to share it with others,
0:22:11 > 0:22:14then why not pop down to your local swimming pool?
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- I wanna get in. - Yeah, I'll get you in in a minute.
0:22:19 > 0:22:24- I've got to find a life guard to help you get in.- I wanna get in!
0:22:24 > 0:22:29In a minute. ..Excuse me, I wonder if you could give me a hand.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33I'm here with a friend, who you may see is in a wheelchair.
0:22:33 > 0:22:38And I need a little bit of help getting him in and out of the pool.
0:22:38 > 0:22:43Getting him in and out of the pool is not really a kerfuffle.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45He's relatively kerfuffle-free.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49But he does have a slight fear of water.
0:22:49 > 0:22:54You know, he likes the water but he's not a strong swimmer.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57He's really doggy paddle if anything.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59I need help to get him in and out
0:22:59 > 0:23:04- because I like him to go swimming because it's good exercise.- Yes.
0:23:04 > 0:23:09And so I think it's just a case of me maybe taking the upper body
0:23:09 > 0:23:13- and you maybe taking...- The legs. - Yeah, and we'll just lower him in.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Shall we go help him in?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Right, how are we going to do this?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- Did you shower?- Yeah...
0:23:23 > 0:23:28It's Julia o'clock here in Welsh mining village Llandewi Breffi,
0:23:28 > 0:23:32and out gay-man Daffyd Thomas is enjoying a drink.
0:23:32 > 0:23:38- Can I have another Bacardi and Coke please, Myfanwy?- Coming right up.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42- Bloody hell, Myfanwy. I'm so down. - Why is that, Daffyd?
0:23:42 > 0:23:49It's so hard being the only gay in the village. I dream of the day I meet other gays who understand.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53Oh, I was going to tell you. I was talking to old Ma Evans
0:23:53 > 0:23:59and she's got a new lodger from Cardiff. And guess what - he is a gay.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- What - in the village? - Apparently, yes.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06I told her to send him over to meet you.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10This must be him now.
0:24:10 > 0:24:15Hello, can I have a Bacardi and Coke, please?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Oh, you must be Daffyd.
0:24:17 > 0:24:22- There you go. I'll leave you boys to it.- No, don't go! I...
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Just passing through, are you?
0:24:28 > 0:24:32No, I've got a job at the forest and I'm looking for somewhere to live.
0:24:32 > 0:24:37I saw a very nice cottage but that's another story! Hoo-hoo!
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Is it?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Yes.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43And, uh...you claim to be a gay, do you?
0:24:43 > 0:24:49Yes, I am. Mrs Evans said I should talk to you because you're the only gay in the village.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Well, now there's two of us.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54No, you're not a gay. I am gay.
0:24:54 > 0:24:59- I AM gay!- Well, if you ARE gay, who played Dorothy in The Wizard Of Oz?
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- Judy Garland.- Judy Garland.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05- How do you know that? - Everyone knows that!
0:25:05 > 0:25:10All right, then. Who is the gay character in Are You Being Served?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12- ALL: Mr Humphries.- Was it?
0:25:12 > 0:25:15ALL: Yes!
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Well, that's very subtle, then.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21I thought it was Captain Peacock. He's the one with the moustache.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Well, I seem to have passed your gay test, so I must be gay.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29No, I am the gay. You're probably just a bit poofy.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32I am gay. I've had sex with men.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- That's more than you've had, Daffyd!- Shut up!
0:25:35 > 0:25:39- I am the only gay in the village and that's that!- Maybe I should go.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43Yes, back to Cardiff. We've already got one gay here.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Well, goodbye, then.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Provincial queens.
0:25:49 > 0:25:54Daffyd Thomas, you bloody fool. You could have had a bit of cock there!
0:25:56 > 0:26:01"I'm the only gay in the village." You're full of shit, you are!
0:26:01 > 0:26:05That's the homophobic attitude I've come to expect! Good day!
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Now, about this essay...
0:26:11 > 0:26:13I've done it!
0:26:13 > 0:26:17Yep, I have one or two problems with it.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21"What was Lord Kitchener's role in World War One?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23"No, but yeah.
0:26:23 > 0:26:30"In World War One or somefink, there was this bloke, right, called Kitchen or somefink or nofink
0:26:30 > 0:26:34"who done this fing but he ain't not even not done it so shut up.
0:26:34 > 0:26:40- "Anyway, Kathy reckons she saw Candice getting off with Tony Tozer?"- Tozer, yeah.
0:26:40 > 0:26:45"But don't listen to her because she's got one tit bigger than the other."
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Vicky, this simply won't do.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52Why is there a problem with spellin'?
0:26:53 > 0:26:57'So, Home Secretary, what are your priorities for the next 12 months?
0:26:57 > 0:27:00'I would say the biggest challenge we face now
0:27:00 > 0:27:04'is the increasing influx of minstrels.
0:27:04 > 0:27:10'I would say there is a case for a good deal of them to be sent back to Minstrel-land.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14'In my constituency, over the weekend...'
0:27:15 > 0:27:18# Swanee! How I love ya, how I love ya
0:27:18 > 0:27:21# My dear old Swanee
0:27:21 > 0:27:24# I'd give the world to be
0:27:24 > 0:27:27# Among the folks in D-I-X-I-E
0:27:27 > 0:27:33# Even now my Mammy's waiting for me Praying for me down by the Swanee. #
0:27:41 > 0:27:44I think we're gonna need another tin.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52In fact, get two!
0:27:52 > 0:27:55I hope you've enjoyed tonight's programme.
0:27:55 > 0:28:00If not, you might like to jot down the names currently on your screen
0:28:00 > 0:28:04and make obscene phone calls to them. There's mine now!
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Until next time, goodbye.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09PHONE RINGS
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Hello?
0:28:11 > 0:28:13No, I'm NOT wearing any knickers.