0:00:01 > 0:00:04Britain, Britain, Britain.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07Land of tradition. Fish and fries.
0:00:07 > 0:00:08The changing of the garden.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Trooping the coloureds.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14But have you ever wondered about the people of Britain? Nor have I.
0:00:14 > 0:00:19This show aims to follow the lives of ordinary British folk.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21What is them? Who drew they?
0:00:21 > 0:00:23And why?
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Have you ever done it gay wise?
0:00:32 > 0:00:34I have - it's a hoot.
0:00:34 > 0:00:41It's late three, and woolly woofter Daffyd Thomas is popping into his local newsagents'.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- Hello, Mrs Llewellyn. - Oh, hello, Daffyd.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46And what can I do you for today?
0:00:46 > 0:00:49A quarter of bonbons and a copy of Gay Times, please.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52- It's my only outlet. - Is it not on the rack, love?
0:00:52 > 0:00:54- I couldn't see it. - It must have gone.
0:00:54 > 0:00:59- I'm sorry?- We only get one in for you. Somebody must have bought it.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02I think you'll find I am the only gay in this village.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06I remember. Somebody definitely bought it yesterday.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10It's got Hazell Dean in it and an informative article on rimming.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Who bought it?
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Do you know - I can't remember.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20- Think.- Well, now, um...
0:01:20 > 0:01:24- Come on, woman!- Well, now, let's think. Who came in yesterday?
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Dai Davies, the music master.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31- He's not gay.- Well, he does share a cottage with the English master.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35- They're just friends.- No, come to think of it, he just bought Vogue.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39- See - he's not gay! Who else? Quickly!- Father Hughes.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43- A gay priest? What planet are you on, woman?- Oh, I remember.- Go on.
0:01:43 > 0:01:49Yes, I was quite surprised, actually, because I had absolutely no idea he liked cock.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53- Who? Who?- I'd just popped next door to the tea rooms for a bun and I...
0:01:53 > 0:01:56For the love of God, woman, tell me!
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- Noel Jones.- Who?
0:01:59 > 0:02:00The blacksmith.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Right!
0:02:05 > 0:02:09- Hello, Daffyd.- I'm commandeering this vehicle.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Right, I want a word with you!
0:02:21 > 0:02:24What's this I've been hearing about..
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Ooh!
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Daffyd. Daffyd Thomas.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35- You must be Noel. - No, I'm his brother, Rhys. Noel!
0:02:38 > 0:02:42I...I...I...left something in the oven.
0:02:46 > 0:02:51It's late early evening and Lou is taking his friend Andy out for dinner.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54The, er, table's booked for seven.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56We'd better get you dressed, then, hadn't we?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- Yeah.- Now, what do you want to wear?
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Smurf.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Smurf? You want to wear your Smurf outfit?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Yeah.
0:03:06 > 0:03:12It's quite a smart restaurant. I'm not really sure a Smurf outfit is appropriate for where we're going.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- Yeah, I know. - So what do you want to wear?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Smurf.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21This Chinese food is delicious.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26I look a pillock.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32Do you do crisps?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Swimming pools in Britain have very strict rules -
0:03:36 > 0:03:40no bombing, no petting, no ducking and no fondue parties.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49PEEP! PEEEEEP!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Excuse me, can I have a word?
0:03:54 > 0:04:00I've just been speaking to a little girl who says you pushed her in the pool. Did you?
0:04:00 > 0:04:04No, but yeah, but no, because what happened was you know the Redmond sisters?
0:04:04 > 0:04:08They put a verruca sock in Carrie's bag and she completely had an eppy
0:04:08 > 0:04:11and went to Kamal Sharma's party with a compass
0:04:11 > 0:04:15but Shelley gave Craig Herman a blowy for a bite of his Funny Foot.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I asked you if you pushed that girl.
0:04:17 > 0:04:23No, because I was with Michaela because she was crying because you know Dominic Malone?
0:04:23 > 0:04:27He was supposed to be meeting her but Ian Papworth who I once got off with as a joke
0:04:27 > 0:04:31nicked a bottle of Dubonnet off Stacy's mum and hid it
0:04:31 > 0:04:34but he didn't like it so he threw it at some gypos.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Did you push her?
0:04:36 > 0:04:40I would never do that because I had a friend like that a man pushed a man,
0:04:40 > 0:04:43and the man died and that's true
0:04:43 > 0:04:46and Johnno tripped up Dean Hurst and he had 300 stitches in his face
0:04:46 > 0:04:52so Dean's mum went down Johnno's dad's car showroom and done her dirty business on an Astra.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Get out and get changed.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- I'm just going to have a wee first and then I'll get changed. - Be quick.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Right, I'll go and get changed.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Don't go giving me evils!
0:05:16 > 0:05:17Bitch.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- PEEP! - Oh, shut up!
0:05:20 > 0:05:25At Kelsey Grammar School in Flange, the boys are preparing to take a test.
0:05:25 > 0:05:30Absolute silence while the test is in progress, please.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I don't want to hear a pin drop.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Right, now...
0:05:45 > 0:05:47..you may begin.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55SULTRY SAXOPHONE MUSIC
0:06:07 > 0:06:14Meanwhile, at this institution in Flatley, Dr Lawrence is showing an inspector round.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Currently, we have 40 residential patients
0:06:17 > 0:06:21and, as you can see, we do like to keep things very relaxed here.
0:06:21 > 0:06:28- CHICKEN NOISES - I don't subscribe to the school of keeping everyone locked up.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I'll need those glasses back, Anne.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- Ultimately, it's all about trust. - PHONE RINGS
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Eh-uh-uh?
0:06:38 > 0:06:46Fortunately, when I came here, I was able to gain, quite quickly, the respect of everybody...
0:06:46 > 0:06:49and, er...it's all in the folder.
0:06:50 > 0:06:55Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister is in the middle of his morning briefing.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Have the opinion poll results come through, Sebastian?
0:06:58 > 0:07:03- Yes, I've got them here, Prime Minister.- What are people saying?
0:07:03 > 0:07:07They're happy with your work on Northern Ireland and the NHS.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10They'd like to see you in shorts.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16- Shorts?- Yes, Prime Minister, just a pair of cycling shorts or something.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20- Oh!- They like the fact that you're assuming a tough stance on crime
0:07:20 > 0:07:25and they like it when your hair's a bit wet because you look kind of soppy.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28They would like to see you wrestle a man.
0:07:28 > 0:07:35- I'm sorry?- Bosnia, good. Education, could do better. Wrestling men, I've covered.- Can I have a look at them?
0:07:35 > 0:07:39Yeah, just right here. Um, now, um..
0:07:39 > 0:07:44Railtrack. Oh, you've got an eyelash. Stay still. Stay still.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47(Make a wish.)
0:07:47 > 0:07:53Darling, there's your suit for the Treasury dinner. We're running late so you'll have to get changed here.
0:07:53 > 0:07:58- Oh, thank you, darling, yes.- Have you seen my earrings?- Which ones?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- You know Sebastian, don't you? - Oh, hello, Sebastian.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- Hi.- How are you?- Fine.
0:08:05 > 0:08:10- We're having a meeting here!- Have you tried the bathroom?- Of course.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Now, don't be long.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16- See you later, darling. - I'm not going.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- I was talking to my wife.- Oh. - Bye, Sebastian.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Whatever.
0:08:22 > 0:08:28So, anyway, um... Oh God! I've completely forgotten what I was going to say!
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Thanks for coming in. I should get changed now.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Oh, yes, of course, of course.
0:08:33 > 0:08:39- You'll speak to the Foreign Secretary about Tuesday? - I'll get straight onto it.- Great.
0:08:45 > 0:08:52Oh, yes, can you approve the budget overspend by first thing on Monday because it's quite...
0:08:52 > 0:08:55big?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Yes. If you don't mind...
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Quick, sir - get down!
0:09:00 > 0:09:04- What's wrong?- I thought there was a sniper, Prime Minister.- Where?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06By the window, but there isn't.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15- Can we get up now? - Give it a minute.
0:09:16 > 0:09:21This is the communal garden and we all look after it together.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24CHICKEN NOISES
0:09:24 > 0:09:32Anne there has decided those flowers might look better...where are you going to put them, Anne?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Deh-deah!
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Just there.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45Visitors often ask if we have a team of professional gardeners.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Eh-eh-eh! Deh!
0:09:46 > 0:09:53- Oh, yes, Anne is particularly fond of this tree. - MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:09:54 > 0:09:55- MAN'S VOICE:- Hello.
0:09:55 > 0:10:02I'm just in the middle of something at the moment. Can I call you back? ..OK. Bye-bye.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05LOUD MOANS
0:10:08 > 0:10:11MOURNFUL NOISE
0:10:13 > 0:10:17The clients do find it very therapeutic, too.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25Sssshhh!
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Come on!
0:10:29 > 0:10:31HOOVER STARTS UP
0:10:37 > 0:10:41In Herby, Lou is making some changes to his friend Andy's bathroom.
0:10:41 > 0:10:47So, I'm gonna put these here and here, OK?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Yeah.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53- Why?- So you can do toilet when I'm not here.- Yeah, I know.
0:10:53 > 0:10:58- So we think, one here, yes?- Yeah.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02- And one here - yeah?- Yeah.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06- Because I'm gonna have to drill into the wall, you know? - Yeah, I know.
0:11:06 > 0:11:11- Could you pass me the drill? - No, I can't reach it.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25Right, I've finished. Do you wanna come and have a look?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Right.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Here we go!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Ta-da! What do you reckon?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Yeah, I like it. What's it for?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42So you can do toilet when I'm not here.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Yeah, I know.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- Do you want to try it out?- Yeah.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50All right, I'll leave you to it.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- WATER SPLASHES - How are you getting on?
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Yeah, fine.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06TOILET FLUSHES
0:12:06 > 0:12:11This is the home of romantic novelist Dame Sally Markham.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Books were introduced into Britain in the 1950s.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Early books had no words or pictures,
0:12:17 > 0:12:25but nowadays the book world is thriving, with over seven books published every year.
0:12:25 > 0:12:31And with that, Clarence took Amelia into his arms, held her and kissed her,
0:12:31 > 0:12:34like a woman had never been kissed before.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36The End.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Truffle, I think.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40How many pages, Miss Grace?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- Seventy-six.- Oh.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49Then... they went to the shops for a bit.
0:12:49 > 0:12:54Didn't really see anything they liked, came home and had a big proper kiss and cuddle.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58The End. Do you know, I think I'll have a truffle.
0:12:58 > 0:13:03Oh! There was a full box here this morning. You've been scoffing again, haven't you, Miss Grace?
0:13:03 > 0:13:07- I haven't touched them. - I've got my eye on you.
0:13:08 > 0:13:14Then they watched a very long television programme, which took up lots of pages.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17The End. How many pages?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Still not enough, I'm afraid.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Oh, well, let's come back to that one. What's it called again?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Er...Lady In White.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Well, let's start another one.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31The Lady In Mauve.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Chapter One.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37The End.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40This is the newly built St God's Hospital in Shireshire,
0:13:40 > 0:13:44which was opened just last year by Dame Rhona Cameron.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48Go through there and downstairs.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53We'll give it another minute, then we'll go.
0:13:53 > 0:13:59- Hello. Is this Katy's room? - Oh, David! David Soul. Thank you so much for coming.- Not at all.
0:13:59 > 0:14:04- I got your letter. I thought if I could help...- You being here will make a huge difference.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07How are you, sweetheart? How's she doing?
0:14:07 > 0:14:11She's all right but, David Soul, tell us about you.
0:14:11 > 0:14:16- Any more Starsky and Hutch in the pipeline?- Not currently.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20What about a new album? It's been a while since 1997's Leave A Light On.
0:14:20 > 0:14:27- Maybe. Maybe next year. I'm focusing on acting right now. - Oh, yeah!
0:14:27 > 0:14:32- We saw you in Holby City. - We couldn't believe it. "Look, there's David Soul in Holby City."
0:14:32 > 0:14:34That's what we said.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42You, uh, you still in touch with Huggy Bear?
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Christmas cards.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50- Better get the address right. - Yeah - why's that?
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Otherwise it might go to Yogi Bear.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- Don't mind him, David. - I'm just having a laugh with you.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00- It's just his way. He's playing with you.- Bit of a joker.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03So tell me, um...
0:15:03 > 0:15:06What does Katy want to do when she grows up?
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Don't know, David. She's quite ill.
0:15:14 > 0:15:19# Don't give up on us, baby Just give us one more try... #
0:15:19 > 0:15:24# Come on, Silver Lady Say the words
0:15:24 > 0:15:26# Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do... #
0:15:26 > 0:15:35# When I need you, I just close my eyes and I feel you... #
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Leo Sayer.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Stupid cow.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Oh, I nearly forgot. Pass the LP.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Ooh, yeah, yeah.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- Ask him to sign...- David Soul.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Would you mind signing an LP for us, please?
0:15:56 > 0:15:57Thank you.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Is that Katy with a Y?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03No it's Joan with a J.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06And Rod. Just Rod.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- David Essex is in reception. - We'll have to hurry you out, David.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12I hope you don't mind.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- It's a pleasure to meet you both. - Absolutely.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19And I do hope that Katy gets better soon.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Yeah, I'm sure she will.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Thank you, David Soul.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24Through there.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27What's he put?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30"To Rod and Joan, Screw You, David Soul."
0:16:30 > 0:16:34It must be an American thing.
0:16:34 > 0:16:41Community Centres in Britain are ideal places for all kinds of groups to meet.
0:16:41 > 0:16:47It's half past Tula and Marjorie Dawes is taking her weekly Fat Fighters' class.
0:16:47 > 0:16:52Now, a little bird told me that somebody - not naming any names -
0:16:52 > 0:16:57has been going around saying they've been following the diet and they haven't been losing any weight.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00And that Fat Fighters is just a rip-off.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Well, in answer to this shit-stirrer...
0:17:04 > 0:17:08..we've got a special visit from the Fat Fighters Slimmer of the Year.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12ALL: Ooh! His name is Cliff Roberts.
0:17:12 > 0:17:17Now, before I bring him out, just have a look at this. This is what he used to look like.
0:17:18 > 0:17:24Have a look at that. And these, would you believe, are his trousers.
0:17:24 > 0:17:31So please welcome the Fat Fighters Slimmer of the Year, Cliff Roberts!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33APPLAUSE
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Can I have my, er...
0:17:39 > 0:17:45Now you are Slimmer of the Year because you lost the most weight out of anybody.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47How much did you lose?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49About three stones and nine pounds.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Three stones and nine pounds.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54See!
0:17:54 > 0:17:57And how much do you weigh now?
0:17:57 > 0:17:58Nineteen stones and one pound.
0:17:58 > 0:18:03Nineteen stones and one pound.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Yeah. OK. Let's just get this into perspective.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Come and stand by your cut-out for a minute.
0:18:08 > 0:18:13There we go. See, you would hardly recognise him, would you?
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Sit back down.
0:18:14 > 0:18:19Now, what we all want to know is how you came to lose all this weight.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21I just ate sensibly and exercised.
0:18:21 > 0:18:27- You found the special Fat Fighters range helped? - No, they're a waste.- Good.
0:18:27 > 0:18:33So, what would you say to someone who's a bit of a Judas and who is thinking of leaving Fat Fighters?
0:18:33 > 0:18:38- Being around other people who are also...- Don't tell me, tell him.
0:18:40 > 0:18:45Having other people around who are trying to lose weight gives you that extra boost,
0:18:45 > 0:18:47so if you want to lose weight, keep coming.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Yeah...you fat shit!
0:18:50 > 0:18:55- Well, I wouldn't call him that, because that will lower his self-esteem.- No.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57So, um...
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Ooh, they're like tits, aren't they?
0:19:11 > 0:19:15We do eat together and I think that's good for everybody.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19We're not trying to implement any sort of hierarchical structure.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Eh-eh-eh!
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Thank you, Anne. Yes, I think it's no small tribute
0:19:25 > 0:19:30that when people come and see us they ask who are the doctors and who are the patients.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33When the Chief Medical Officer came to see us, er...
0:19:33 > 0:19:38I think it was either August or - was it August?
0:19:38 > 0:19:43He said the same thing, and that was a real lift to everybody who works here.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Cos...that was great.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47That was really good. So...
0:19:47 > 0:19:51We're not quite ready for coffee just yet, Anne, but thank you.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55- Or tea. You don't want tea now, Dr Beagrie, do you?- No.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I find that if you can break down some of these barriers,
0:19:58 > 0:20:01you'd be amazed at some of the results.
0:20:01 > 0:20:06We had, er...somebody come and see us recently...
0:20:06 > 0:20:11A troubled time. They were quite distressed when they came here.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15They'd been in and out of hospital over a number of years
0:20:15 > 0:20:18and, er...we can talk about this later.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Meanwhile, Jason is joining his friend Gary for Sunday luncheon.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28It is the law in Britain that on Sundays, everyone must eat a roast.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32The most popular meats are beef, lamb, pork and bat.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- Come in.- Something smells nice.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37- You know Julie.- All right?
0:20:37 > 0:20:41- Hi.- And you remember me nan.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Oh, yeah.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45ROMANTIC MUSIC
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Have a seat.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Grub's up!
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- Hi, Jason.- Hiya. Sorry I'm late.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00- Oh, I forgot the salt. - Oh, let me, Mrs Leigh.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07I can't remember the last time we had someone for Sunday lunch.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Well, it's just nice to spend time with you...all.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Wine, anybody?
0:21:13 > 0:21:17Not for me, thanks.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Nice potatoes, Mum.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Is that the dog? What?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39I can feel something under the table.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42I put him out earlier.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45So, you got a girlfriend, Jason?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47No, I haven't. I'm single currently.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Mum - gravy all down yourself!
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Oh, dear.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Honestly.
0:22:11 > 0:22:16I've got more meat, more peas, more carrots and I can do more gravy if anyone wants.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- I'm all right, thanks, Mum. - Yeah, I'm fine.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Well, there's more if anyone wants.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- SHE CHOKES - What's the matter, Mum?
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Something's gone down the wrong way.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31- SHE GASPS - Mum, are you all right?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Oh, Gary, get your nan a glass of water.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34It's OK.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48HE BREATHES HEAVILY
0:22:56 > 0:22:57That's got it.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11BOY COUGHS
0:23:11 > 0:23:12Sssshhh!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16FIZZZZ! >
0:23:19 > 0:23:24ROCKET SQUEALS, THEN EXPLODES
0:23:24 > 0:23:30Chinese food was invented by Professor Stewart Tennant in 1986
0:23:30 > 0:23:34and has been very popular ever since.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36We're out for a nice quiet meal.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Can you try not to mention the whole...you know what.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43- What's that? - You know what I mean, Liz.
0:23:43 > 0:23:50- What - that I was Mollie Sugden's bridesmaid?- Yes.- Sometimes it just comes up naturally in conversation.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54Let's have an "I was Mollie Sugden's bridesmaid"-free night tonight.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- All right, Clive. - Can I take your order?
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Are You Being Served, or shall I go first?
0:24:01 > 0:24:07- Liz.- I'll have the seaweed, please, to start. That's My Boy.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12And I'll have the sesame prawn toast.
0:24:12 > 0:24:18Oh, prawns. That's what I had at Mollie Sugden's wedding, where I was bridesmaid.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20And for the main course.
0:24:20 > 0:24:25We'll have a 27, a 108 and the egg fried rice, please.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27She's very nice. Down to earth.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31Quite different from her character, the snooty Mrs Slocombe.
0:24:31 > 0:24:37And before you ask, no, the wedding dress wasn't from Grace Brothers. Perish the thought!
0:24:37 > 0:24:39From Grace Brothers! Ha-ha-ha!
0:24:39 > 0:24:41- Liz.- People want to know.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44- Well, it's boring. - Well, That's Life.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48Now do us all a Grace And Favour and shut up about it.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49And to drink?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51I'll just have a beer, please.
0:24:51 > 0:24:56I'll have a glass of Mollie - oh, I mean water. Sorry. Did someone say Mollie Sugden?
0:24:56 > 0:25:03- Are you talking about that woman in Are You Being Served?- I think so. Is that the one she's in, Clive?
0:25:03 > 0:25:09She's very funny, with all those jokes about her cat. I'll get your drink.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13If he asks one more question about Mollie Sugden, I'll scream.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18- "DISGUISED" AS COUGH:- Mollie Sugden.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Meanwhile, at St God's Hospital,
0:25:25 > 0:25:29# Bye bye baby, baby, goodbye
0:25:31 > 0:25:36# Bye bye baby Don't make me cry... #
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Nothing.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42Do...do...do another one.
0:25:42 > 0:25:50- I'll do, um... # Give a little love Take a little love... #- No, she doesn't really like that one.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54- # Shang-a-lang... #- Oh, yeah, yeah.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58- She likes that.- # Shang-a-lang
0:25:58 > 0:26:02# Shang-a-lang
0:26:02 > 0:26:04# Shang-a-lang... #
0:26:04 > 0:26:08Roughly one second later, in the northern town of Scoffage...
0:26:12 > 0:26:14- Yeah?- Sam?- Yeah.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16- Sam Bailey?- Yeah.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18I'm here to give you your driving lesson.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21I thought you'd come to arrest me! I'll get me jacket.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24There isn't time. I'm afraid you'll have to come now.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29- You're not a policeman?- Took early retirement. Forced into it.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Are you allowed to wear the uniform?
0:26:32 > 0:26:35All me other clothes are in the wash. Here she is -
0:26:35 > 0:26:38the Duchess. Get in, soft lad.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Thick as a puddle!
0:26:41 > 0:26:43- Put your foot down!- What?
0:26:44 > 0:26:47- Faster!- Isn't it a 30-mile limit? - What speed are you doing?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50- Er...72.- Stop the car!
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Is this your vehicle, sir?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04- No, it's yours.- Driver's licence?
0:27:04 > 0:27:10- I was rather hoping you could help me out on that one. - Oh, dear, we've got a comedian.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Blow into this.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Give us that.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26- What's this?- A poodle?
0:27:26 > 0:27:28No, it's boy racer.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Just turned 17, gets into a car, thinks he's Niki Lauda.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33- I've got my eye on you. - All right.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37Now on your way, you black bastard.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Ian.
0:27:47 > 0:27:53I've just spoken to Mr McWhirter and he says they're only measuring from the top of the head down.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58- What shall we do?- Go for a drink.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02What have we learned this evening?
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Some ducks have bells and some don't,
0:28:05 > 0:28:07but murder isn't morally wrong
0:28:07 > 0:28:09and most importantly,
0:28:09 > 0:28:14we've learned how to tell a goblin from a hobgoblin. Goodbyeeeeee!