0:00:02 > 0:00:06'Britain, Britain, Britain. Everybody is welcome in Britain.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09'We are open nine till six, Monday to Saturday.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11'No foreign gentlemen, please.
0:00:11 > 0:00:16'What makes Britain such a wonderful place to visit for an afternoon?
0:00:16 > 0:00:21'Why, it's the people of Britain, and it is these we look at today.
0:00:21 > 0:00:25'Oh, my sweet Lord!
0:00:29 > 0:00:33'Here we are in the charming Welsh village of Llandewi Breffi,
0:00:33 > 0:00:37'home of committed homosexualist, Daffyd Thomas.'
0:00:37 > 0:00:40# It's a sin! #
0:00:40 > 0:00:43- Morning, Daffyd. - Good morning, Miss Davies.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46I just had a phone call from Ruth.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50- She got terrible morning sickness and she's not coming in today.- Aw.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54I'm gonna put you with the new boy Ifan.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Ifan? Your ten o'clock's here.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Do you know, I think Ifan might be a gay.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04That's very unlikely. I am the only gay in the village.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Hiya! I'm Ifan, but all me friends call me Fanny.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14- Follow me.- (Well?)
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Too early to tell.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22Come along. Take the weight off your lallies.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Let's put a nice big skirt around you.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Now, what can we do for you?
0:01:28 > 0:01:32A nice wash and blow? Would you like that? A blow? Ho-ho!
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- Just a light trim, please.- Right.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39- So do you, er, go out much? - Not really.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- Is there much of a scene?- Pardon?
0:01:41 > 0:01:45A scene, dear. A gay scene - cocks and frocks.
0:01:45 > 0:01:50- No, there is no "gay" scene in Llandewi Breffi. Just me.- Really?
0:01:50 > 0:01:55- I am the only gay in the village. - Not any more, dear. Fanny's in town!
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- There you are, loves.- Oh, ta.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03- (Well?- No signs.)
0:02:03 > 0:02:07Fanny, love. You forgot your keys.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Thanks. I am a dizzy cow!
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Hinge and Bracket need walking, so I'll see you later.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20(His brother.)
0:02:22 > 0:02:30'At St Buddha's Hospital, Foulmouth, ropey transvestite Emily Howard is waiting to have an X-ray taken.'
0:02:30 > 0:02:34- Right, sorry to keep you. So, Eddie Howard...- Emily Howard.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36I'm a lady. Emily Howard, yes.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Right, what happened?
0:02:39 > 0:02:45- Well, I was disembarking a motor coach when I took a tumble. - You fell off the bus?- Quite.
0:02:45 > 0:02:50I need to X-ray the whole leg, so place this over your testicles.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54Oh, Doctor! You DO amuse!
0:02:54 > 0:02:58No, it's not a joke. It deflects the radiation.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01B-But I am a lady!
0:03:01 > 0:03:03I don't have testi-cles!
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Well, perhaps little lady's testi-cles. Might, er...
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- might this do for me instead?- No.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Or this?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Surely I, uh... Hmm?
0:03:18 > 0:03:22I'm sorry. You do need to use this.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Would you mind if I brighten it up a little
0:03:25 > 0:03:31- with some applique and lace? - We don't really have time for this, Mr Howard.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35- But I am a lady!- Well, I can't give you the X-ray without it.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Do you know, I think I'm feeling rather better.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42I don't think I need an X-ray.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Aaargh! Shit!
0:03:45 > 0:03:48'This is a pub.
0:03:48 > 0:03:54'As we all know, the word pub is an acronym for Philip's Uncle's Boat.'
0:03:55 > 0:04:00Right. We'd better get you home, hadn't we?
0:04:00 > 0:04:06- I know.- Oh, uh, do you need to use the toilet before we go?- No. - Are you sure?- Yeah.
0:04:06 > 0:04:13- Cos once I've got you in the van, you won't be able to do toilet till we're back home.- Yeah, I know.
0:04:13 > 0:04:20- Cos if I have to stop on the way and get you out of the van, that's a right kerfuffle.- I know.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22- You're sure you don't need?- Yeah.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33I need to go toilet.
0:04:37 > 0:04:44'Following the success of video libraries, book libraries like this one have sprung up everywhere.'
0:04:48 > 0:04:52We encourage our patients to take a Saturday job.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56It gives them a sense of purpose and a small income.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Anne, who you may have met, is working here.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01E-E-E.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Hello, Anne.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12- Thank you. And how are you today? - E-E-E-E.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19As you can see, she blends in very well.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25'British justice is the best in the world.
0:05:25 > 0:05:30'Anyone who disagrees is either a gay, a woman or a mental.'
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Vicky Pollard, you have been charged with shoplifting.
0:05:36 > 0:05:41On the 11th April, it is alleged you went into the Irkskin branch of Superdrug
0:05:41 > 0:05:48and attempted to steal an eyeliner pencil and a can of Red Bull by concealing them in your leggings.
0:05:51 > 0:05:57Now, in the face of overwhelming evidence, do you stand by your plea of not guilty?
0:05:57 > 0:06:04No, but... No, but...cos what happened was, right... Shut up! He wasn't supposed to be near there!
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Then Meredith started stirring it up, calling him all these things.
0:06:10 > 0:06:15Right, but you admit you were in Superdrug at the time?
0:06:15 > 0:06:21No, but, yeah...but, no, there's a whole other thing. Meredith said it weren't, but she's a slag!
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Meredith? Who is Meredith?
0:06:24 > 0:06:30- She's the one who done that thing about the thing, but don't eat her sweets cos she's dirty.- What thing?
0:06:30 > 0:06:36Yeah, I know, and there was this whole other thing what I didn't even know about
0:06:36 > 0:06:39because nobody told Wayne Duggin that Jermyn fingered Carly.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- Right. - But I was on the phone to Jules.
0:06:42 > 0:06:48But don't listen to her because she had a baby and didn't tell anyone.
0:06:48 > 0:06:54- Vicky, were you at Superdrug at the time?- No, but, yeah, but, no... because I wasn't even with Amber.
0:06:54 > 0:06:59- Who's Amber?- Yeah, exactly. I don't even know who she is so you'd better ask her.
0:06:59 > 0:07:04- Vicky, I don't think you realise the gravity of the...- No, but...
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- If you're found guilty... - You can't say that...
0:07:07 > 0:07:12- This is a court of law...- You...- Are you going to keep interrupting me?
0:07:12 > 0:07:17- No, no, no, no, I'm not. I'm gonna let you speak.- Oh.
0:07:17 > 0:07:22- We've heard from...- Oh, God! There was this horrible thing!- I give up!
0:07:22 > 0:07:29You know Craig? He felt up Amy on the corkscrew at Alton Towers and was sick on Louise Farren's head.
0:07:30 > 0:07:35'Matthew Waterhouse is looking for work at his local kissogram agency.'
0:07:35 > 0:07:39I wanna be a kissogram! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
0:07:39 > 0:07:43We're minicabs, mate. Kissogram's next door.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47I wanna be a kissogram! Mwah! Mwah!
0:07:47 > 0:07:51- Mwah! Mwah!- Lovely. We're always looking for people.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- What...?- Here's one for you.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58George Bernard Shaw-ogram.
0:07:58 > 0:08:03I come in, take my beard off and recite a play. How about that?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Em...
0:08:06 > 0:08:11- Got another. John McCarthy-ogram! - Oh, what happens there?
0:08:11 > 0:08:16I come in handcuffed to a radiator and discuss my years as a hostage.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19I don't think there's any market...
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Got another one. Nurse-ogram!
0:08:21 > 0:08:26- Ah! That's more like it.- Yeah, I come in, sing Happy Birthday
0:08:26 > 0:08:29and administer a local aesthetic.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- I really don't think...- Zoo-ogram. - What's that?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35I come in...bear with me.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39- Well?- I just told you. I come in, there's a bear with me.
0:08:39 > 0:08:46- Sorry.- Got another one. Ian-ogram. I come in and pretend my name is Ian. "Hallo! My name is Ian!"
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- Please leave.- Man-ogram! I'm a man.
0:08:49 > 0:08:54- Get out.- Invisible-man-ogram. I come in and I'm invisible.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58Woooo!
0:08:58 > 0:09:04- Was I invisible then?- No. - Are you sure?- Quite sure. Now, please. I'm a very busy woman.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- A-very-busy-woman-ogram! - Could you leave the room?
0:09:07 > 0:09:12- Leaving-the-room-ogram! - That's right. Now open the door.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16- Opening-the-door-ogram!- Walk out. - Walking-out-the-door-ogram!
0:09:16 > 0:09:21- And close the door. - Closing-the-door-ogram!
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Waiting-outside-the-door-ogram!
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Hello. I'd like a minicab, please.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- No, that's next door.- Thank you.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40All right!
0:09:42 > 0:09:46'Over in Flange at the Kelsey Grammer School...'
0:09:46 > 0:09:52So Edward II divided by Henry V equals...
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Anybody? ..No?
0:09:57 > 0:10:02Equals hydrogen peroxide.
0:10:02 > 0:10:07Question six. Determine the square root of Popeye.
0:10:09 > 0:10:14'Sandra Patterson is so keen for her son to do well in the world of show business
0:10:14 > 0:10:17'that her hair is coming out in clumps.'
0:10:17 > 0:10:23- And off you go.- They're fruity and delicious. They're fruit-ilicious!
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Lovely, OK. Thanks very much, er, Ranulph.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30- Are we rocking? Have we got the gig?- We'll let you know.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34- He does a great Otis the Aardvark. ..Do your Otis.- Mum!
0:10:34 > 0:10:40- We've just got a few more people to see.- Have you seen The Snowman? He does that. ..Go on, go on.
0:10:40 > 0:10:45- # We're walking in the air... # - To them! To them!
0:10:45 > 0:10:49# We're walking through the moonlit sky... #
0:10:49 > 0:10:51We ARE up against it today...
0:10:51 > 0:10:56- It's better with his pyjamas on. Come on.- Mum!- We don't have time.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00- It's his birthday today. - No, it isn't.- Please?
0:11:00 > 0:11:04- He's dying.- What?!- Look a dying boy in the eye and say no.
0:11:04 > 0:11:09- Well, it's no.- What?- We're looking for something a bit different.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13We can change him. We can have something done.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17He's a real talent. I'm sure he'll do really well.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- I'll say you touched him.- Get out.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Don't worry. We know when we're not wanted.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Don't EVER do that again!
0:11:31 > 0:11:36Watch this. ..Hallo, Anne. I'd like to take this book out, please.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38E-E-E.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51PHONE RINGS
0:11:51 > 0:11:58Hello? ..Sorry, guys. I'm in the library at the moment, can I call you back? ..OK.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00E-E-E.
0:12:00 > 0:12:05And can you tell me when the Oliver Sacks biography is back in?
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- E-E-E.- Thank you.
0:12:19 > 0:12:25'The health service in Britain is thriving, with three doctors to every one patient.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29'Today, Marjorie Dawes has gone to see her mother.'
0:12:29 > 0:12:33The doctor says you've definitely got to go into a home.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37I don't want to go into a home. I just had a fall.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41- Morning. How are we today? - Fine, Doctor.
0:12:41 > 0:12:46It's Dr Harman, Mum. ..And how is the good doctor today, Dr Harman?
0:12:46 > 0:12:51- Quite well, just...a bit bunged up. - Yes, there's something going round.
0:12:51 > 0:12:57- Let me know if you want someone to look after you. - ..W-W-We've, uh, got the results.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00There's no internal haemorrhaging, so you can go home tomorrow.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04- Oh, good.- Wouldn't she be better off in a home?
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Home! Yeah? Yeah? Home! Yeah? Yeah?
0:13:08 > 0:13:14- Put you in a home. Yeah.- No. We've done all the tests and she's quite capable of looking after herself.
0:13:14 > 0:13:20- No, she doesn't know what day it is. ..Mum, what day is it?- Tuesday. - There you go. It is Tuesday.
0:13:20 > 0:13:27- She thinks it's last Tuesday. ..Who's the Prime Minister? - It's...- Of Belgium.- I- don't know.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29See what I have to put up with?
0:13:29 > 0:13:34- Mum, what's this?- It's your nose.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36No, it's my finger.
0:13:36 > 0:13:41- She doesn't know if she's comin' or goin'.- Mrs Dawes...- Marjorie.
0:13:41 > 0:13:46We only put people in homes when they can't look after themselves.
0:13:46 > 0:13:51What if her flat was attacked by a pack of wolves? She's very vulnerable.
0:13:51 > 0:13:57- I'm not going to recommend further care. She doesn't need it. - Bye, Doctor!
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Get well soon. ..Oh, he's such a flirt.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05Now, what are we gonna do with you? You can't come and live with me.
0:14:05 > 0:14:12- I don't bloody want to. I want to go back to my own flat. - But I'm renting it out now.- Who to?
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Some gays.
0:14:15 > 0:14:21Social Services have found you a very nice place, just an hour down the road.
0:14:21 > 0:14:28- I could go and live with Barbara. - Mum, Barbara hates you. That's why you should cut her out the will.
0:14:28 > 0:14:34- Now, is there anything you'd like me to bring you?- My dressing gown.- I've taken it to Oxfam.
0:14:34 > 0:14:39- Well, I was halfway through that Maeve Binchy.- I'M reading that now.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Oh. Well, how about my jewellery?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Well, I'll see you tomorrow, then, Mum.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Cheerio!
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Ooh, she's a burden.
0:14:53 > 0:14:59'The fortunes of ex-children's entertainer Des Kaye have taken a tumble recently.
0:14:59 > 0:15:06'To make ends meet, he's been forced to take a job at DIY Universe in the northern town of Little Tokyo.'
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Uh, what's this now?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18- Nothing.- I won't tell you again.
0:15:18 > 0:15:23You're not on telly any more. Take those down and get back to work.
0:15:23 > 0:15:30- Do you know where the masking tape is?- This man will help you.- ..Do you know where the masking tape is?
0:15:30 > 0:15:35Wicky-woo! Des Kaye, pleased to meet you. Can I have me hand back?
0:15:35 > 0:15:42- Yeah. Do you know where the masking tape is?- No, I don't. But I've got a friend who does.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Say hello to Mr...
0:15:45 > 0:15:49Croc O'Dile. "Top of the morning. Where's my breakfast?"
0:15:49 > 0:15:56Never mind about your breakfast. This young lad wants to know where the masking tape is.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00- "I'm hungry! I want my breakfast!" I'm so sorry about this.- Get off!
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- Des!- I'm just helping a customer.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18We let Anne make her own way home. She's earned £5 today.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22That's her money and she can spend that any way she wants.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28See you later, Anne.
0:16:29 > 0:16:35'At TV Centre, the BBC continues to fulfil its charter to educate, entertain, inform
0:16:35 > 0:16:40'and provide work for Patrick Kielty'.
0:16:42 > 0:16:49- Peter, I've a tape of last night's news here. I wasn't happy with it. - Really?- Let's look at it, shall we?
0:16:51 > 0:16:56Now we go over to our Royal correspondent Peter Andre.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Thank you, Raworth.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02I'm standing outside Highgrove Church where, earlier today,
0:17:02 > 0:17:06the Royals attended their traditional Easter Sunday service.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Textbook.
0:17:08 > 0:17:15Prince Charles - he has magical powers. Prince Edward - without his beautiful wife, Griff Rhys Jones.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Prince Andrew - with a very young Sarah Ferguson.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21I've met him loads of times.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25I really like him. Hi, Andrew! No, he can't hear me.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29The Queen there - she's the main one.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34And light of my life - Princess Royal Anne. Oh, Anne...
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Sweet Anne...
0:17:37 > 0:17:40# I love you, Anne And I want you, Anne
0:17:40 > 0:17:43# Please pull me, Anne I'll push you, Anne
0:17:43 > 0:17:49# Please hurt me, Anne And bite me, Anne I want you, Anne, in the morning. #
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Back to the studio.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57- Um...Peter...- Problem?
0:18:01 > 0:18:07'It's ten minutes since Andy last ate, and his stomach's already rumbling.'
0:18:07 > 0:18:13Right, I'm gonna go and pick up Maria. Is there anything you need me to do before I go?
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Yeah, I wanna chocolate.
0:18:16 > 0:18:21- I bought these chocolates for when Maria comes.- I wanna chocolate.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23All right, you can have one.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27- Now, which one do you want? - That one.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31- That one?- Yeah.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- That's dark chocolate. - Yeah, I know.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- You don't like dark chocolate. - I know.
0:18:37 > 0:18:44You always say dark chocolate has a bitter edge to it and lacks the oral ecstasy of its milkier cousin.
0:18:44 > 0:18:50- Yeah, I know.- Well, why don't you have the caramel tub, then? You like the caramel tub. It's caramel!
0:18:50 > 0:18:55- I want that one.- Well, they're going back on the shelf now.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57I don't like it.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03- I did warn you.- Can I have another one to take the taste away?
0:19:03 > 0:19:08No. You can have another one when Maria gets here, and not before.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16DOOR CLOSES
0:19:36 > 0:19:39'Everyone in Britain loves the opera.'
0:19:39 > 0:19:45'Go to any bus stop or factory floor and all you hear is "Don Giovanni this, Rigoletto that".'
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Charles?
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Charles? What's the matter? Charles?
0:19:59 > 0:20:04- Make way. St Tom's. Make way. Coming through.- He just passed out.
0:20:04 > 0:20:11- Don't worry. He's in safe hands. Now, go and dial 9999.- Oh, I wasn't expecting this on me first day.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- Come on, Neville, what do we do? - Check his pulse?
0:20:14 > 0:20:21- That won't do much good.- Put him in the recovery position?- He might be having a heart attack!- I dunno!
0:20:21 > 0:20:24- Give him a Polo.- What?
0:20:24 > 0:20:29- The mint with a hole. - That's not in the manual. - There's no time for that!
0:20:29 > 0:20:35- It doesn't seem to be doing anything.- Well...can't be his heart. Maybe it's a blood clot.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Blood clot...blood clot. Let's see.
0:20:38 > 0:20:44- Got it. TicTac. Check he's not allergic. He ain't got a tag? - I can't see anything.
0:20:44 > 0:20:51This is a good bit. I saw this last night. She doesn't know the Duke is really her husband in disguise.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Oh, it causes a right brouhaha-ha.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Right, where were we? Oh, yeah.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Maybe the dose is wrong.
0:21:02 > 0:21:07- I think he's had a stroke!- Then we don't have any choice. Neville...
0:21:07 > 0:21:11we're going to have to open the Extra Strong.
0:21:18 > 0:21:25'A favourite destination for holiday makers, after Siberia, is Scotland.'
0:21:25 > 0:21:29- AMERICAN ACCENT - Are you open for afternoon tea?
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Ooh! Maybe I am and maybe I'm not.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37PLAYS A MERRY TUNE
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- Oh. OK.- Oh, no, no! I am!
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Please, sit doon. Sit doon.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47- What an adorable little place. - Smells funny in here.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52I shall be back in a moment with the cake trolley.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Here I am with the cake trolley.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01- Don't those look great, Kimberley? - I want the chocolate cake!
0:22:01 > 0:22:05OK, honey. ..Kimberley has a nut allergy.
0:22:05 > 0:22:10- Do you know if there are any nuts in it?- Yes!
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Do you mean, yes, there are nuts, or yes, you know?
0:22:13 > 0:22:21- Yes.- Which?- If I tell ye the truth, I'll tell ye a lie, but if ye call me false, I'll also tell ye a lie!
0:22:21 > 0:22:23PEEP!
0:22:23 > 0:22:26OK, so does the cake contain nuts?
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36The carrot cake contains...no nuts.
0:22:37 > 0:22:43Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have ye any nuts?
0:22:45 > 0:22:49The Lemon drizzle cake contains... no nuts.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51NOTES PIPE OUT
0:22:52 > 0:22:55No nuts.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, have ye any nuts?
0:23:03 > 0:23:06He wants to speak to you.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Mike Kapalski?
0:23:13 > 0:23:18'Here we are at the country home of romantic novelist Dame Sally Markham.
0:23:18 > 0:23:23'I'd love to write a book but, unfortunately, I don't have a pen.'
0:23:23 > 0:23:29His hand passed over the curves of her body, firmly, without desire,
0:23:29 > 0:23:32but with soft, intimate knowledge.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34End of chapter.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36This is wonderful, Dame Sally.
0:23:36 > 0:23:41Yes, it is, rather. Chapter four. As she went home in the twilight,
0:23:41 > 0:23:44the world seemed a dream.
0:23:44 > 0:23:50The trees in the park seemed bulging and surging at anchor on a tide...
0:23:50 > 0:23:57'In Britain's capital city of Sneddy, are the offices of theatrical agent, Jeremy Rent.'
0:23:57 > 0:24:00If you'd just like to sign on the second page.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07- Er, have you got a pen? - There you are.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13Den...nis Waterman.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17At last, we've got you a job.
0:24:17 > 0:24:23I'm glad to see you're finally over this silly "write the theme tune, sing the theme tune" business.
0:24:23 > 0:24:28- Oh, no, that's all in the past. - Well, thank goodness for that.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Well, if that is all, I will be on my way.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Oh, I have just remembered!
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Happy birthday!
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Oh, Dennis, you are naughty!
0:24:47 > 0:24:50No, I'm not. I'm good.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Well...thank you.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- It's got great music on it.- Dennis.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59- Sorry. - Well, it's very kind of you.
0:24:59 > 0:25:04I'm just going to cut the cake if you'd like to come in.
0:25:04 > 0:25:09- Can you pass me the knife, please, Dennis?- Oh, isn't Dennis with you?
0:25:09 > 0:25:11I'm right here.
0:25:11 > 0:25:17- Thank you.- Make a wish.- We haven't sung Happy Birthday yet.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Oh! Go on, then.
0:25:20 > 0:25:221, 2, 3...
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- # Happy birthday to you... # - # I'll change the situation
0:25:25 > 0:25:30# Right people, right time Just the wrong location
0:25:32 > 0:25:37# I've got a good idea Just you keep me near
0:25:37 > 0:25:42- # I'll be so good for... Happy birthday,- dear Jeremy
0:25:42 > 0:25:48# I'll be so good for you De-doo-doo de-doo! Booo! #
0:25:50 > 0:25:55- Cake, anybody?- Just a small piece.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58There you go.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03'It's lunchtime at this Chinese restaurant in Ducking Down.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06'I myself love Chinese food.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10'My favourite dishes are 14, 29 and 53.'
0:26:11 > 0:26:18- Me and Mollie Sugden were friends years before Are You Being Served. - Liz.- ..In a minute.
0:26:18 > 0:26:23Mollie said to me would I like to be her bridesmaid? I mean, well!
0:26:23 > 0:26:27- Liz! Your food's getting cold. - In a minute!
0:26:27 > 0:26:34- Of course I was delighted! It was a wonderful day...- You said you were going to the toilet!- I was!
0:26:34 > 0:26:39But I got chatting about being Mollie Sugden's bridesmaid.
0:26:39 > 0:26:46It was a lovely do. We had a lovely meal and there was dancing and they played the Beatles...
0:26:46 > 0:26:50- I was at school with Paul McCartney. - Oh, right. And then...- Really?
0:26:50 > 0:26:58- What was he like?- Oh, a really nice bloke. And he was dead musical, even then. He'd always play the piano.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02- And Mollie Sugden, whose bridesmaid I was...- Did you meet John Lennon?
0:27:02 > 0:27:08I did actually, once. I went round and John was there and they were doing a bit of jamming...
0:27:08 > 0:27:12The Beatles aren't going any more! Anyway, I said to Mollie...
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Oh, I love the Beatles!
0:27:15 > 0:27:19- I've got all their tapes.- Why don't you join us?- Thank you...
0:27:19 > 0:27:23No, Clive! Come away!
0:27:23 > 0:27:27- Excuse us.- But he was at school with Paul McCartney.
0:27:27 > 0:27:32Yeah, and I was Mollie Sugden's bridesmaid, but I don't go on about it!
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Get over it.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Boring!
0:27:38 > 0:27:4345...46...47...48.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Have you got a light?
0:27:51 > 0:27:53I won't be long.
0:27:56 > 0:28:01'And so this week's journey comes to an end.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03'If you have enjoyed the programme,
0:28:03 > 0:28:08'you might like to get up and do a dance in honour of it. Goodbye.'