0:00:02 > 0:00:04Britain, Britain, Britain...
0:00:04 > 0:00:08Here are some facts about Britain you may not know...
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Number 1 - Britain is a country.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14Number 2 - Britain is called Britain.
0:00:14 > 0:00:18Number 5 - Britain. But who are the people who live in Britain?
0:00:18 > 0:00:22Over the next five hours we aim to find out.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Yeah.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Vicky Pollard is moving up in the world and has graduated to Borstal.
0:00:33 > 0:00:38She has been summoned to the governess's office.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Come in now, please, Vicky.
0:00:49 > 0:00:54I've been hearing stories about a serious incident in the canteen.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58I'm going to ask you a question now and I want a straight answer.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Did you bite Jackie Hayes?
0:01:02 > 0:01:08I ain't never done nothin'. What happened was, was Julie said Lorraine was 100% minger
0:01:08 > 0:01:13and then Samantha stirred it up and Karly found a pube in her lasagne.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Karly's involved in this, is she?
0:01:15 > 0:01:21Karly never done nothin'! She was with that girl with the manky foot and Alison was feeling sick,
0:01:21 > 0:01:28but I never broke no chapel window. If Donna says I did, don't listen to her cos she plays with matches.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32- Did you bite Jackie? - I didn't even know she got bit!
0:01:32 > 0:01:36This is like this film I saw where this women goes into this place.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Rachel said Denise done it with her brother.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42I've had enough. Fetch Jackie.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46- Ain't done nothin'... - Thank you, Vicky(!)
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Jackie, tell me what happened in the canteen this afternoon.
0:01:53 > 0:01:58I ain't done nothin'! Don't listen to Sheryl. She ate her own scab.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Oh, my god! I SO can't believe you said that!
0:02:01 > 0:02:05THEY BOTH TALK AT ONCE
0:02:08 > 0:02:11BOTH: ..cos she's gone all lezzy.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Oh, piss off!
0:02:20 > 0:02:24- You fancy her.- YOU do.- I don't.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Everyone knows you finger yourself.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30If people in Britain want to buy a pet, they go to a pet shop.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34If they want to buy a pet shop, they go to a pet-shop shop.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38If they want to buy a pet-shop shop, they're just being silly.
0:02:38 > 0:02:44- When you get this rabbit, you'll have to think of a name for it. - Name, yeah.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48- I wonder where they keep them. - I want that one.- That one?- Yeah.
0:02:48 > 0:02:54- That's a snake.- Yeah, I know. - You don't like snakes. You're scared of 'em.
0:02:54 > 0:03:00- When we watched that film with all the snakes in it, you said serpents had an aura of evil.- Yeah, I know.
0:03:00 > 0:03:05- Let's get a rabbit, then. - I want that one.- Are you sure?- Yeah.
0:03:05 > 0:03:10- OK. It's your birthday money. What are you gonna call it?- Thumper.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15We'll, uh...take the snake, please. Yeah.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I want a rabbit.
0:03:30 > 0:03:3310 Downing Street is the home of the Prime Minister.
0:03:33 > 0:03:38He is, like, this guy who is in charge of, like, the whole country.
0:03:51 > 0:03:57So it is with great reluctance that I have decided to accept the Minister's resignation.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00I'll take a few questions.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Boyd Hilton, Smash Hits.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06Prime Minister, do you admit the Foreign Secretary lied to the House?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09I've answered that already. Next.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Greg Davies, Puzzler. Have you appointed a replacement?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15We'll make an announcement shortly.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Angus Thomas, Kerrang. Who's next to go?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22There will be no more resignations.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Roy Sloan, Whizzer And Chips. Have you just lost your strongest ally?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29There is no rift in the Cabinet.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Andrew Jarman, Dinosaur Magazine. What was your...?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- I don't know that one.- It's new.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39You get a free binder with Part 1. You collect it over 24 weeks.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43It's everything you need to know about dinosaurs.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Oh, yes? Go ahead.
0:04:45 > 0:04:50Uh...I've forgotten the question. ALL GROAN
0:04:50 > 0:04:57Roger Wakely, Asian Babes. Yet another disgraced Minister - hasn't your position become untenable?
0:04:57 > 0:05:01- Certainly not.- George Paxton, Daily Telegraph.- Yes.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05Who's your favourite member of Westlife?
0:05:05 > 0:05:10It's five past Alberto, and the FatFighters meeting is beginning.
0:05:10 > 0:05:15They're all the same. ..I'd better go - I've got my fat people here.
0:05:15 > 0:05:21So Johansen's here, Paul's here, Pat's here... Where's Meera?
0:05:21 > 0:05:24In hospital...having liposuction.
0:05:24 > 0:05:30Ooh, I think it's such a shame the way people feel the need to tamper with themselves.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Tanya's here...
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Who are you?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38This is the home of teacher Edward Grant,
0:05:38 > 0:05:43who recently caused a stir by marrying one of his former pupils.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Lucky bugger.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- Problem?- Another letter from Mum.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57What is so strange about a teacher marrying one of his ex-pupils?!
0:05:57 > 0:06:01- Nothing.- I'm sorry? - Nothing.- Nothing what?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- Nothing, sir.- That's better.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- What's this?- Happy Valentines Day.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Oh, pop it in my pigeonhole.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Oh, go on, open it now!
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Aw!
0:06:21 > 0:06:25"Dear Edward..." Capital D on "dear".
0:06:25 > 0:06:29"I love you with all my...heat"? Oh, HEART!
0:06:29 > 0:06:34Handwriting... "Yours forever..." COMMA "Samantha".
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Hmm. Six out of ten.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38See me.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48- You do love me, don't you?- If you have a question, put your hand up.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Um...yes, Samantha?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- Do you love me?- Yes.- How much?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01OK...
0:07:01 > 0:07:04"How much do you love me?" Well...
0:07:06 > 0:07:10Let's say that this is Love here and this is Time here.
0:07:10 > 0:07:15This is where we first met, this is that detention we shared together,
0:07:15 > 0:07:19dropped a little here when I didn't cast you in the school play,
0:07:19 > 0:07:22school trip to Calais,
0:07:22 > 0:07:26parents evening, wedding day, wedding night.
0:07:26 > 0:07:32and this is where we are now. So as you see, as Time has progressed, Love has increased.
0:07:32 > 0:07:37- Edward, put your chalk down and come to bed.- Sorry. I got carried away.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Are you chewing?!
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Into my hand.
0:07:47 > 0:07:54It's one-two o'clock and at Kelsey Grammar School, a young pupil is seeing his careers adviser.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Sorry I'm late, sir.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59- ELECTRONIC VOICE: - See it doesn't happen again. Sit.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Thank you, sir.
0:08:03 > 0:08:09- What do you have in mind? - Ever since I was small, I've wanted to go into catering.
0:08:09 > 0:08:16- In the future, there will be no jobs for humans in the catering industry. Only robots.- Oh.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20- Does that include catering in hotels?- Er...yes.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26Well, I was also thinking of engineering. You see...
0:08:26 > 0:08:31There will be no jobs for humans. We will inherit the Earth.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Oh, dear.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36This booklet will explain everything. Go now.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Thank you, sir.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- Tuck your shirt in.- Yes, sir.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44I am a robot.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Yeah.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51In Herby city centre lies this library.
0:08:51 > 0:08:57The word "library" is derived from the Latin "libres", meaning "shh".
0:09:00 > 0:09:03So...have you seen anything you fancy?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Yeah, I want that one.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08- That one?- Yeah.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- That is a book on Chinese history. - Yeah, I know.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15- Well, how do you know? You weren't even looking at it.- Yeah, I know.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18It looks a bit involved, really.
0:09:18 > 0:09:25How about the one I told you about, about the cave boy who lived in a rubbish tip? Stig Of The Dumps.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27And I want that one.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32That is Chinese Language And Its Origins.
0:09:32 > 0:09:37- Again, it, uh... It might be a little bit hard for you.- I want it.
0:09:37 > 0:09:42All right. You've got these two. You're allowed one more.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- Shall we see if we can find Stig Of The Dumps?- That one.
0:09:46 > 0:09:51- That one?- Yeah.- That's the same one as you've got there.- Yeah, I know.
0:09:51 > 0:09:56Well... You sure you want these three?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59- Yeah.- You're positive?- Yeah.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Right, let's go and get 'em stamped.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06- Are you happy with your choices? - Yeah.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10- You're sticking with these three? - Yeah.- Good.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13I can't read.
0:10:17 > 0:10:22So that's a table for two at eight. Thank you.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24I can't wait.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Anything for my little star pupil.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Would you... like to draw the curtains?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41This is our timetable.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44"7pm. Coach leaves for restaurant."
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Anybody not on the coach WILL be left behind.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50It's not mufty day, is it?!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53"7.30pm. Arrive at restaurant." And get a hair cut!
0:10:53 > 0:10:59Council estates are where the old, thick and bone idle are forced to live.
0:11:06 > 0:11:12This flat, on the seventh floor, is the home of brother and sister Bernard and Kitty Chumley.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16- DOORBELL RINGS FOLLOWED BY THUMPING - Yes, I heard it, Kitty.
0:11:18 > 0:11:23- Hello. Meals On Wheels for Kitty Chumley.- Oh, yes, yes, yes.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Do come in, yes. Right...
0:11:27 > 0:11:29So what is it today, then?
0:11:29 > 0:11:34Oxtail soup and then shepherd's pie with cabbage and swede.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Oh, I don't like swede! I mean... Kitty doesn't like swede.
0:11:38 > 0:11:43- And there's a choice of arctic roll or a peach.- Arctic roll, obviously.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Thank you.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51- So how is your sister today? - I didn't do it!
0:11:51 > 0:11:54No, how is she?
0:11:54 > 0:11:59Oh, I see. Still not walking, but I think a lot of it is psychological.
0:11:59 > 0:12:04- Can I see her?- Eh? Oh, no, no, no. She's biting today.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- Thank you so much. - Have you got yesterday's plates?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Uh...
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Oh, yes.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17We do ask that they are returned clean.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25By the way, the jam roly-poly was delicious...
0:12:26 > 0:12:28..Kitty said.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32If anything there could have been more of that...she added.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34They tell me you were an actor.
0:12:34 > 0:12:39- Am an actor, yes.- Oh, right. Are you in anything at the moment?
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Bits and bobs, you know. Thank you very much. Good day.
0:12:43 > 0:12:48Mr Chumley, you might qualify yourself for the Meals On Wheels service.
0:12:49 > 0:12:54- I am 43.- Well, I'll see you again soon, then.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- It's a bit dry.- Sorry?
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Kitty...said.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12Everybody in Britain loves the Royal Family.
0:13:12 > 0:13:17They are the cleverest, loveliest, most selfish people in Britain.
0:13:17 > 0:13:22Today, Her Majesty the Queen is hosting a royal garden party.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- Carry on. - Can I see your invitation, please?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- Everything going well?- Fine, sir.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31- Nobody's trying to sneak in without an invitation?- Not yet, sir.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Keep up the good work.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37I'm Peter Andre, Royal Correspondent for the BBC.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39I need to see an invitation, sir.
0:13:39 > 0:13:45It's embarrassing. I don't want to draw attention to myself... ..Hello! I'll be in in a minute!
0:13:45 > 0:13:48..but Philip personally invited me.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52Being a serf you won't know who I'm talking about. Princess Philip.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56- Oh, yes? And what did he say? - He said, "We're having a party.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59"Pop round any time after four."
0:13:59 > 0:14:02- I'm sorry, sir. - Anne and I are very much in love.
0:14:02 > 0:14:08- Step aside, please. - # I want you and I need you, Anne You can hurt me, Anne... #
0:14:08 > 0:14:13- Step aside, please, sir. - I must give her these drawings!
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- Afternoon, Miss Bond.- Good afternoon.- That's fine.- Thank you.
0:14:16 > 0:14:21- Jenny! Jenny! - Sorry, Peter. I can't help you now.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- Probably best to go home, sir.- Yes.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29And put some trousers on, will you?
0:14:38 > 0:14:42If your car doesn't already have a boot,
0:14:42 > 0:14:44you can buy one at a car-boot sale.
0:14:44 > 0:14:49Today, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig is getting rid of some old junk.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53- Anything take your fancy, sir? - I'm just looking.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Humorous book about cricket?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00- Foreword by John Major.- No, thanks.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Complete set of Blackadder, there.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09OK, I'll take it.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Hang on, there's no Blackadder 3. I think I'll leave it.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Look into my eyes. The eyes. Not around the eyes. You're under.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21You see a complete set of videos. There was no Blackadder 3.
0:15:21 > 0:15:26Anyway, it's Blackadder The Third. 3, 2, 1...you're back in the room.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Oh, OK... I'll take them.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- There you go.- Cheers.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Lovely.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39You, uh... You like Red Dwarf?
0:15:39 > 0:15:44Got the, uh, whole first series, there...including smeg-ups.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Oh, no. I've got these. I taped them off the telly.
0:15:47 > 0:15:53Look into my eyes. The eyes. Not around the eyes. You're under.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57You did NOT tape Red Dwarf. 3, 2, 1...you're back in the room.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03OK. I'll take those as well. There you go.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11I, uh... I see you're a bit of a comedy fan.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- How about that? - Oh, no. I saw that. It was rubbish.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Look into my eyes. The eyes. Not around the eyes. Look into my eyes.
0:16:18 > 0:16:26You're under. Paul Merton was great and just as funny as Tony Hancock. 3, 2, 1...you're back in the room.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Yeah... don't push your luck, mate.
0:16:34 > 0:16:39This man is theatrical producer Sir Michael Craze.
0:16:39 > 0:16:44Sir Michael has over 3,000 musicals running in the West End.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Here's one for you!
0:16:47 > 0:16:54- How about a musical version of the film Scum?- Excuse me, I wasn't actually expecting anybody.
0:16:54 > 0:16:59# 4737 Carling, sir I'm the daddy round here
0:16:59 > 0:17:01# Where's yer effing tool? What effing tool?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04# Don't go into the greenhouse, greenhouse... #
0:17:04 > 0:17:07I'm not looking for anything, so...
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Got another! Ceefax - The Musical.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12We open on a giant Ceefax!
0:17:12 > 0:17:161,000 Vietnamese children come on in rags!
0:17:16 > 0:17:19# Page 142 weather Page 220 joke time... #
0:17:19 > 0:17:22It's...not right for the West End.
0:17:22 > 0:17:241,000 Vietnamese children in rags?!
0:17:24 > 0:17:28I'm very busy. You do need to make an appointment.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32- Did you get the tape I sent?- What's your name?- Waterhouse.- Oh, yes.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35It was very kind of you, but...
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Got another one. Musical - The Musical.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41A giant musical flies in!
0:17:41 > 0:17:461,000 Vietnamese children in rags swarm the stage!
0:17:46 > 0:17:50- # Musical. Musical... # - You see, that's quite expensive.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53One Vietnamese children swarms the stage!
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- # Musical, musical... #- No.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Got another one! A musical version of David Baddiel.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04- No.- Got another one! Dangerous Liaisons - The Musical.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08Ah, this is what we're looking for. This sounds interesting.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Yeah. I've done a set for it.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13So he comes in here...
0:18:13 > 0:18:17- Who's this? - The character of The Giant Hand.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Stay with me. Stay with me.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Please.
0:18:22 > 0:18:27Meanwhile, at this sexual-health clinic
0:18:27 > 0:18:29in Llandewi Breffi...
0:18:32 > 0:18:37OK. So before we give you the test, we have to ask you a few questions.
0:18:37 > 0:18:43- Don't worry - it's all confidential, OK? So...age?- 25.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45- Occupation?- Gay.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48No, what do you do?
0:18:48 > 0:18:53Oh, I see. I am an unemployed, out gay man.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59How many sexual partners would you say you've had in the past year?
0:19:06 > 0:19:07None.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13And how many would you say you'd had in the past five years?
0:19:13 > 0:19:17Ooh. Past five years, you say...
0:19:18 > 0:19:22- Excluding myself?- Yes.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24None.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Have you had ANY sexual partners?
0:19:29 > 0:19:34- Oh, no. I am the only gay in the village, you see.- From Llandewi?!
0:19:34 > 0:19:38- Oh, no, we've had loads of folk in from there!- I don't think so.
0:19:38 > 0:19:43If you haven't had any sexual partners, I don't think you need the test.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Oh, go on. Please. I am a gay, you know.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50OK. Give me your arm.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Make a fist.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Now, you may feel a prick...
0:19:58 > 0:20:01but there's a first time for everything.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Hello.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I've just had the test.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16- I do hope everything's going to be all right.- I'm sure it will be fine,
0:20:16 > 0:20:21- though, of course, it does just need to be that one time.- Yeah.
0:20:22 > 0:20:28Children in Britain are notoriously stupid and must attend schools.
0:20:28 > 0:20:33At Robert Downey Junior School in Area 52, it's prize-giving day,
0:20:33 > 0:20:37which is to be hosted by retired athlete Denver Mills.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42- Ah, Miss Bingham, this is Dennis Mills.- Denver Mills.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46- Who?- Denver Mills. I won the 400-metre silver, Los Angeles '84.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50- Where's Fatima Whitbread?!- Guernsey. Seems she had no idea about today.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- That's Jayne Torvill Management... - You know what to do?
0:20:53 > 0:20:57Do a speech, give out prizes - piece of piss.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01- Can I have a look at your speech? - Yeah, go ahead, Miss.
0:21:01 > 0:21:06I do a gag. I say, "If this was a state school, I'd be afraid to park my car outside."
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- This IS a state school.- That's gone.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- Steve Cram. Remind me. - Crammy?! The Cramster?!
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Won the 1500-metre gold? Promoted Start?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19The children won't remember him.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- It's a very funny story, which ends up with Steve covered in...- In...?
0:21:23 > 0:21:25No. I can't, uh.... No.
0:21:25 > 0:21:32This is great, quite political - in my village there's a lot of these so-called asylum seekers.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34I don't think it's relevant here.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- It went down well at the countryside march.- Sorry.
0:21:37 > 0:21:42This is all...still... asylum seekers.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46Ah, this gag I may or may not do, depending on...
0:21:46 > 0:21:51"The French relay team. Do action." What's the action?
0:21:54 > 0:21:58As I say, that was always in the balance...
0:21:58 > 0:22:04- "Thank you and I hope you enjoyed the speech."- Is that OK? Any problem with that?- No, that's fine.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08Right. I'll just go and introduce you.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12"Good afternoon... Thank you and I hope you enjoyed the speech."
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Right, then, boys and girls, we have a very special guest.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20Please welcome...Dennis Mills! CHILDREN CHEER
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Hello, Jayne. It's Denver.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Is it too late to pull out of the school?
0:22:25 > 0:22:31With the hospital lift out of order, Lou has pushed his friend, Andy, up three flights of stairs.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35What a kerfuffle! They should get that lift fixed.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39- What are we doing?- Do you remember Maria, who used to look after you?
0:22:39 > 0:22:46- She's not been very well so we're going to take her some flowers. - Then can we go?- Yeah.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49I'll find out what ward she's on.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53- Nurse?- Yes.- Can you tell me where I might find Maria Donelly?
0:22:53 > 0:22:58- Yeah. She's in Griffiths Ward. It's on the next floor up.- Thanks.- OK.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02- Up one more flight, I'm afraid. - Oh, no.- Yeah.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08At home in Buyright,
0:23:08 > 0:23:12Eileen is comforting her recently bereaved sister, Janet.
0:23:12 > 0:23:17- Why don't I put the kettle on, make us a nice cup of tea?- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:23:17 > 0:23:22Lovely. Would you like a biscuit to go with it? Nice Penguin? Yeah?
0:23:25 > 0:23:29- What now, love? - Ivor used to love Penguins!
0:23:29 > 0:23:33- It always makes me think of him! - Aw-ww, yeah. Yeah.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37We'll have it without - tea on its own.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Don't mind it in a mug, do you?
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Ivor used to have his tea in a mug, except when he had it in a cup.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Yeah. I understand, love. I understand.
0:23:49 > 0:23:54Well, it's a lovely day. Why don't we go down the shops?
0:23:58 > 0:24:03Me and Ivor used to go down the shops...when we had to buy things.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Yeah, yeah, you would have done. Yeah. Yeah.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10Well, we'll stay in and see what's on the telly.
0:24:12 > 0:24:17- Oh, dear. Ivor? - Ivor used to watch telly.- Yeah.
0:24:17 > 0:24:22The news, the sport, the dramas, comedy shows... All sorts, really...
0:24:22 > 0:24:26He was someone who liked telly, you know. That was Ivor.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29We agreed not to talk about Ivor.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Ivor! That's the name of Ivor!
0:24:34 > 0:24:38If ever I wanted to call him, I'd say, "Ivor?"
0:24:38 > 0:24:40- Yeah.- Yeah!
0:24:40 > 0:24:45That's what Ivor used to say, if he wanted to answer in the affirmative,
0:24:45 > 0:24:51when he wanted to respond in a casual manner, as an alternative to the more formal "yes".
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Silence! That's what Ivor used to crave when he didn't think...
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Is Jan there? ..Sorry, I didn't recognise you!
0:25:07 > 0:25:13Over at DIY Universe, the staff WERE enjoying their tea break.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Hiya, gang! Wicky woo!
0:25:17 > 0:25:21I'm having an Option. Does anyone want one?
0:25:22 > 0:25:25We don't have to go back yet, do we?
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Oh, hello! I don't know you, do I?
0:25:29 > 0:25:33- No, I'm new.- Wicky woo. Des Kaye. Pleased to meet you.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37- Can I have my hand back, please? - Didn't you used to be on the telly?
0:25:37 > 0:25:41That's right, yes. I used to present The Fun Bus.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45- Them Bubble Twins do it now? - Do they? I haven't watched it.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Yeah, my little sister loves 'em.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53- Let me tell you about the Bubble Twins.- Come on, Kieran. Time to go.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55We've still got ten minutes.
0:25:57 > 0:26:03The Bubble Twins started off in 1986 doing a little bit on my show, Des Kaye's Fun Bus.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07- Remember we had this bit, What's In The Custard?- I don't think so, no.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11- You remember it, don't you, Al?- No. - You do! You do!
0:26:11 > 0:26:16You're lying. ..Come away, Croc. ..They used to pour the custard.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20- I never watched it. - Good. They were rubbish.
0:26:21 > 0:26:26Then I hear The Fun Bus has been pulled. "Why is that?" you ask.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29- Wasn't it cos that girl lost an eye?- No.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Yeah...but actually, no.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34It's because... Top o' the morning!
0:26:34 > 0:26:37..Not now, Croc! I'm talking!
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Very rude.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44It's because Dicky Bubble is a queer and...
0:26:44 > 0:26:46- How do you know?- He's in the clubs.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51..and the head of Childrens, Robin Dee, is also a queer. You know...
0:26:51 > 0:26:57he's got a wife, but he's queer and basically Dicky Bubble said to Robin Dee, "I'll fill your slot."
0:26:58 > 0:26:59Bum sex.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03Hey, presto - Des Kaye out of a job!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05So can we change the subject?
0:27:08 > 0:27:10- Kettle's boiled.- Thank you.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19So...what's everybody doing later?
0:27:24 > 0:27:29I SAID... WHAT'S EVERYBODY DOING LATER?!
0:27:34 > 0:27:40- Ian?- Yeah?- I've just spoken to Mr McWhirter and he says you're not allowed to use Sellotape.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43What?
0:27:43 > 0:27:46- Any?!- Apparently not.
0:27:46 > 0:27:51- It's a shame. I was happy with that.- Best start again, eh?
0:27:51 > 0:27:55And so our tour of Britain is over for another week.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59If you enjoyed the programme, you might like to know
0:27:59 > 0:28:04that the book accompanying it has not yet been written. Goodbyes.