0:00:02 > 0:00:04Britain, Britain, Britain.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07Discovered by Sir Henry Britain in 1610.
0:00:07 > 0:00:11Sold to Germany a year later for a pfennig and the promise of a kiss.
0:00:11 > 0:00:17Destroyed in 1830-42 and rebuilt a week later by a man.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19This we know. Hello.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21But what of the people of Britain?
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Who they? What do? And why?
0:00:29 > 0:00:34Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister is meeting the Chancellor.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Of course, when I say the Prime Minister,
0:00:37 > 0:00:41I don't mean the real Prime Minister, just that guy from Buffy.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48So, in principle, the Budget is approved, is it?
0:00:48 > 0:00:54Yes, though you might like to have a look at the focus-group report that's just come through.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Do you have that, Sebastian?
0:01:00 > 0:01:05This should make for interesting reading, Prime Minister.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08- Is that all?- Yes.
0:01:11 > 0:01:18Though I must say, Robert, I do feel undermined that you consistently distance yourself from me in public.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22If you're going to stand for the leadership, come out and say so.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Yeah!
0:01:27 > 0:01:33I assure you, Prime Minister, if I have ambitions for the leadership, you'll be first to know.
0:01:33 > 0:01:39- Yeah, right(!)- Thank you, Sebastian.- Yeah, but he's so two-faced.- Yes, thank you.
0:01:39 > 0:01:46- I heard you had a private meeting with the Home Secretary this morning.- I did,
0:01:46 > 0:01:48but the question of leadership never arose.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52- Ooh, you lying cow!- Sebastian...
0:01:52 > 0:01:58- Don't get so het up about it. It's not as if the public will vote for him.- Why not?- Look at you -
0:01:58 > 0:02:04overweight, losing your hair. The Prime Minister is gorgeous. Well, I wouldn't know, but he is.
0:02:04 > 0:02:09If I was to stand, it would be about policies, not presentation.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13- So you ARE standing! - I didn't say that.- Just try it!
0:02:13 > 0:02:18If you must know, I SHALL stand. I shall make my announcement in the House tomorrow.
0:02:18 > 0:02:24Sebastian, would you like to show the ex-Chancellor out now?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Get out!
0:02:42 > 0:02:49That showed her! Right, we are going to book you a manicure, a pedicure, a facial, the works.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56Here we are at the offices of Theatrical Agent Jeremy Rent.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00I had an agent once. Before I made the mistake of strangling her.
0:03:04 > 0:03:10I'm sorry, but Richard O'Sullivan doesn't get out of bed for less than £50. Good day.
0:03:10 > 0:03:16Ah, Dennis! Do come in, dear heart. Lovely to see you. Take a seat, I've got some wonderful news.
0:03:16 > 0:03:21- I got you an ice cream. - Oh, thank you.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Oh, yours looks bigger than mine.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27No, it's the same size.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Oh. Anyway, I've had a fax this morning from Euston Films.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35Now, where is it? Can you hold this a moment, please?
0:03:38 > 0:03:43- Here we are.- I can't hold it for much longer.- Just pop it down.
0:03:43 > 0:03:50Sonia Chance, new head of ITV, has requested a new series of Minder to go into production in the spring.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Would Dennis be interested?
0:03:52 > 0:03:57- I don't want any more. - Oh, well, just give it here.
0:04:01 > 0:04:07I've done a ring-round. George Cole's on board and they're talking to Dave the Barman's people.
0:04:07 > 0:04:13Oh that's nice. So they want me to star in it, write the theme toon, sing the theme toon...
0:04:13 > 0:04:20Yes, I imagine they do. Anyway, they're very keen. Sonia Chance has been ringing all morning.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24- PHONE RINGS - That will probably be her now. ..Hello?
0:04:24 > 0:04:30- Sonia! Yes, he's right here. - Let me speak to her.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Passing you over.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Hello, Sonia.
0:04:34 > 0:04:39Oh, so you want me to reprise my role as Terry McCann?
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Write the theme toon, sing the theme toon.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47No, thanks. I've moved on.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Those are buses.
0:04:55 > 0:05:01But anyway, at his surgery in Darkly Noone, Dr Allburn is examining one of his patients.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05OK, Vicky, you can put your clothes back on.
0:05:05 > 0:05:11Well, after having had a good look, it's pretty obvious what the diagnosis is.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14I've got the lurgy. Yeah.
0:05:16 > 0:05:22Cos we was down the arcade and Kelly flobbed on Destiny and it landed in my hair
0:05:22 > 0:05:29cos Kelly hates Destiny cos she said Kelly pads her bra. It's true. Nathan pulled out some Jelly Tots.
0:05:30 > 0:05:36Er...no, Vicky. I have to tell you, you are in fact eight months' pregnant.
0:05:36 > 0:05:42No, you can only get pregnant by sitting in somebody's bathwater. If anyone's pregnant, it's Jo Rowley
0:05:42 > 0:05:46cos Meredith says she had her hand down Ashley's trackie bottoms.
0:05:46 > 0:05:52Well, you ARE pregnant. So you must have had sexual intercourse eight months ago.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56No, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but...
0:05:56 > 0:06:01cos I've never even had sex apart from once eight months ago. Apart from that, I'm a complete virgin.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04So you have had sex at least once?
0:06:04 > 0:06:10- Yeah, as a joke! God, this is like being back at school. What happened was, you know Trish?- Trish?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Trish. Trish Trish. Trish. Rochelle and Trish.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17- No.- She wasn't even there! You don't know what you're on about!
0:06:17 > 0:06:24Anyway she dared Melody to nick a Hubba Bubba off Darren Sheen, but anyway Darren ain't got any pubes.
0:06:24 > 0:06:30OK, Vicky. I'd strongly advise you, for the sake of your baby, to give up smoking and drinking.
0:06:30 > 0:06:35I so can't believe you said that! I smoked once when I was nine.
0:06:35 > 0:06:40- I only drink to numb the pain of my worthless life, so you're well out of order!- OK, right.
0:06:40 > 0:06:47What I'm going to do is, I'm going to refer you to our Young Mothers Unit at the city hospital.
0:06:47 > 0:06:52You'll have to go this afternoon. Is there anyone to accompany you?
0:06:52 > 0:06:58- I'm not asking Shelley cos she's a slag.- OK. Someone else. Perhaps your mother?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00That IS my mother.
0:07:01 > 0:07:07In Hamham, ex-Olympic athlete Denver Mills has been booked to give an after-dinner speech.
0:07:07 > 0:07:13- ..Covered in...- Save it for the speech, Denver.- You don't want to go through it?- No, I trust you.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16I'll just introduce you.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20A little bit of hush, ladies and gentlemen.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24That includes you, Detective Inspector Willow.
0:07:24 > 0:07:30OK, it is time to introduce you to our special guest speaker of the evening.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34You may have seen him on They Think It's All Over.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38Please give it up for Olympic silver medallist, Denver Mills.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Evening, all.
0:07:45 > 0:07:51Great to be here. You know, when I was a lad, I always dreamed of going into the Force.
0:07:51 > 0:07:57But maybe being an Olympic athlete isn't so different from being a police officer.
0:07:58 > 0:08:03First of all, we both get a lot of practice running after black guys.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07The difference is, I beat some of mine.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11I mean "caught up with" them, not "beat" them, like you do.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16I'll just go.
0:08:30 > 0:08:37Since cigarette smoking has become mandatory, newsagents in Britain have flourished.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44- Right, now you know it's Declan's birthday coming up?- Who?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- Declan. Your brother.- Yeah, I know.
0:08:47 > 0:08:52It's his birthday and you've got to get him a card. See any you like?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- I want that one.- That one?- Yeah.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59- That says, "With Deepest Sympathy". - Yeah, I know.
0:08:59 > 0:09:04- That's what you send someone when somebody's died.- I want that one.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08I'm not sure Declan will like it. It'll send out the wrong message.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12No, Declan likes sailing boats. Why not get one with sailing boats on?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15I want that one.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19- This one's got a sailing boat. He likes sailing boats.- That one.
0:09:19 > 0:09:25Are you sure this is the card you want to send Declan for his birthday?
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37It's his birthday, he's not dead!
0:09:39 > 0:09:46Meanwhile, FatFighters course leader Marjorie Dawes has popped into her supermarket for a few sundries
0:09:46 > 0:09:49and mondries and tuesdries and wednesdries.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Oh, hello.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Sorry, do I know you?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56I come to FatFighters.
0:09:56 > 0:10:03Oh, yes. Paul, isn't it? Sorry, so many people come to class that I can't remember everybody.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05- Is this yours?- Eh?
0:10:05 > 0:10:09No, no. This is my trolley over here.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Oh, hello. ..What's his name?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Baby.
0:10:14 > 0:10:20- Oh! This is gonna have a lot of calories!- It's for the baby.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Anyway, what's all this? Eh?
0:10:23 > 0:10:28- Oh, dear! We've found your Achilles foot, haven't we? - It's just a Tracker bar.
0:10:28 > 0:10:33- "Just a Tracker bar"! I don't know why I bother!- I'll put it back.
0:10:33 > 0:10:40- Why come to FatFighters, Paul, if you stuff your face when my back's turned?- If that's how you feel,
0:10:40 > 0:10:44- maybe I shouldn't come.- No, do, cos we need to keep the numbers up.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46OK. Bye, then.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Goodbye.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Hello, Marjorie.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Oh, hello, Meera.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Er...
0:11:14 > 0:11:18it's not mine. Another man put them there.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Scotland is a smashing place to take a holiday
0:11:27 > 0:11:33and regularly wins the award for best Scottish holiday destination.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35So what happened?
0:11:35 > 0:11:40Well, it was a Sunday afternoon and we were all sat round as a family watching the telly box.
0:11:40 > 0:11:46- What were we watching, children? - Naked Video.- Oh, yes, the Naked Video Comedy Show.
0:11:46 > 0:11:51The sprites were a'talking and a'laughing and then all of a sudden, POOF!
0:11:51 > 0:11:55All was darkness in the kingdom of the sprites.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- The screen went dead?- Yes.
0:11:58 > 0:12:03"Awaken, sprites!" I cried. I tried to tempt them oot, like so...
0:12:03 > 0:12:05PLAYS: "The Birdy Song"
0:12:05 > 0:12:08"Come oot, ye sprites! Ye naughty sprites!"
0:12:11 > 0:12:17- That didn't work? - I'd love to say, "Yes." But unfortunately the answer is no.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20You've got a faulty connection.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Try it now.
0:12:23 > 0:12:29Arrgh! The arch wizard himself! Avert thine eyes, children!
0:12:29 > 0:12:36He enters a room, and with a budget of just £500, he makes it transform-ed.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40He is truly the master of the black arts.
0:12:43 > 0:12:48Right, you said you had another TV you wanted me to take a look at.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Yes. 'Tis a curious thing.
0:12:50 > 0:12:57By day, 'tis bright, but by night, 'tis as black as a black man's cape.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05- That is a window. You do know that, don't you?- Yes.
0:13:07 > 0:13:13Psychiatrist Dr Lawrence lives with his children in this delightful old cottage here in Flatley Village.
0:13:13 > 0:13:18Look at it. What a beauty! I'd love to have one like that.
0:13:18 > 0:13:25We've got a special guest coming to stay this weekend, who lives at the hospital where Daddy works.
0:13:25 > 0:13:30Her name is Anne and we've got to be extra special nice to her. OK?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33- Ee-ee-ee!- Say hello to Anne.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- Hello.- Hello.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Ee-ee-ee! Ee-ee-ee!
0:13:37 > 0:13:39She's nice, isn't she?
0:13:40 > 0:13:46Oh, yes. Anne loves goldfish. She looks after the one at hospital. Don't you?
0:13:48 > 0:13:52Here we go. Anne's painted a picture for you.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Say thank you.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Thank you.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Don't touch the middle of it.
0:14:02 > 0:14:07Back at DIY Universe, Des Kaye is hard at work.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12- Excuse me. Can you tell me where the barbecues are?- Over by the...
0:14:12 > 0:14:15- Des!- Robin Dee.
0:14:15 > 0:14:20How are things at Children's? I see the Bubble Twins are doing well.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24- Yep, still pulling in the viewers. - This is the longest they've got.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Dicky Bubble!
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Hello, Des.
0:14:28 > 0:14:35Oh, so you two just happened to be in the same shop on the same day. Oh, what a coincidence!
0:14:36 > 0:14:40- No, we're a couple. - My divorce came through.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Oh, so you just...?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Oh.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Are you working here now, then, Des?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49TANNOY: 'Des Kaye to the stockroom please.'
0:14:51 > 0:14:52No.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56- You must come in for a meeting some time.- Oh, um...
0:14:56 > 0:15:00I've actually got a big show in development for ITV.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Well, good luck with it.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Cheerio, Des.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10But if you've got any money...
0:15:24 > 0:15:27(Those two are shoplifters.)
0:15:39 > 0:15:45As the sun sets in southern Britain, for those in the North the day is just beginning.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Right, I've got the brochures here.
0:15:51 > 0:15:56Now, let's have a look and see where you wanna go.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58That one.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- You wanna go there?- Yeah, that one.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05- Well, that is Helsinki. - Yeah, I know.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- You wanna go to Helsinki?- Yeah.
0:16:07 > 0:16:15We've got loads of brochures here. We haven't looked yet. We could go to Rome, Barcelona...or Florida!
0:16:15 > 0:16:19- You can go to Florida very cheap now.- Helsinki.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23But you always said Finland had a maudlin quality,
0:16:23 > 0:16:28- rendering it unsuitable as a holiday destination.- Yeah, I know.- So where do you wanna go?
0:16:28 > 0:16:32- Helsinki.- You're sticking with Helsinki?- Helsinki.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37I want to go to Florida.
0:16:38 > 0:16:43At Kelsey Grammar School, Mr Cleeves is busy taking the register.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- Unman.- Here.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- Wittering.- Here.- And Zigo.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Absent.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Hurry up, come along, in you pop.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Just a couple of points from the headmaster.
0:16:56 > 0:17:03Any boys who signed for the school trip to the moon need to pay their deposit by Friday. That's £5.
0:17:03 > 0:17:10The bring-and-buy sale on Sunday in the car park raised £36 million for Ethiopian famine. Well done.
0:17:10 > 0:17:15Mine-while, at the offices of the Royal Shakespeare Company...
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- Found your Boy yet? - Sorry, who are you?
0:17:18 > 0:17:22- We sent you a letter.- Did you? - Yes, we did do.
0:17:22 > 0:17:29- Raif wanted to audition for the Boy in Henry V.- I'm afraid we've cast that part now.- I know.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33- Perhaps he can audition for us next season.- You never even replied.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Really? What's your name?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- Speak up!- Ralph...
0:17:38 > 0:17:40- Raif!- Raif Patterson.
0:17:40 > 0:17:45It is our policy to reply to all letters. I'll see if it's on file.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Aha! Yes, here it is.
0:17:48 > 0:17:54- I must say, we thought it was a... wind-up.- Why's that?
0:17:54 > 0:17:58- "Dear Bastard..."- Just trying to get your attention.
0:17:58 > 0:18:05"My name is Ralph..." Raif. "..Patterson, and I am the best actor in the world ever."
0:18:05 > 0:18:10We toyed with "ever, ever", but we didn't want him to seem arrogant.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14"You may have seen me in The Demon Headmaster." Were you in that?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- I had a line.- Go on, do it, do it.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- Hello.- Told you he was good.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Told you he was good!
0:18:22 > 0:18:28"I've always loved Shakespeare's plays and am delighted to hear he's written a new one.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31"I would be a..." What does that say?
0:18:33 > 0:18:37"Brilliant." Sorry, it's difficult writing in blood.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41"I would be a brilliant Boy in it or even Henry V himself
0:18:41 > 0:18:44"(did you see Bodger and Badger?)."
0:18:44 > 0:18:49Ah, you see, we always had Jonathan Pryce in place for the King.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Him? He's Chinese, in't he?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55"Give me this job, you shit.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58"Yours sincerely, Ralph Patterson."
0:18:58 > 0:19:03Is it a yes now? Or do I have to dangle him out the window?
0:19:06 > 0:19:11Don't have all the sandwiches, Emma. Anne might like some.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Ee-ee-ee!
0:19:15 > 0:19:21Thank you, Anne. Now, do help yourself to sandwiches and cakes. Those are egg and those are tuna.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- Ee-ee-ee!- That's right. That's egg.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- Ee-ee-ee!- And that's tuna.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Ee-ee-ee!
0:19:30 > 0:19:34PHONE RINGS
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Hello? ..I'm just at someone's house. Can I call you back?
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Yes, it's a bit rude. ..OK. Bye-bye.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Ee-ee-ee!
0:20:03 > 0:20:07Oh, I forgot to set the video for Room 101. ..Sorry.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16This is the home of romantic novelist Dame Sally Markham.
0:20:16 > 0:20:22Books in Britain have recently become very popular, thanks to the invention of reading.
0:20:22 > 0:20:29"Yes," cried Geraldine, "I will marry you! I will! I will!"
0:20:29 > 0:20:32The End. How many pages?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Um...
0:20:35 > 0:20:3612.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Oh.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42"Do you know the Bible?" said Lord Harper.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46"No," said Geraldine, "I've never heard of it."
0:20:46 > 0:20:52'Oh it's really good," said Lord Harper, "Let me read it to you." "Oh, OK, then," said Geraldine.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56"Chapter One. Genesis.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00"In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth."
0:21:00 > 0:21:04You'll find the rest on the shelf. Wake me up when you finish.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12In this boardroom in Gore, a meeting is taking place.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16The room doesn't look bored to me. Looks quite perky.
0:21:16 > 0:21:21- Crunchy Nut sales are down, but I'm not concerned.- Here's one for you -
0:21:22 > 0:21:27Nutty Nut Nuts. Real nuts covered in, wait for it...
0:21:29 > 0:21:32..nuts! How about that for starters?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Er, this is a private meeting.
0:21:34 > 0:21:39I was in the supermarket and noticed your cereals aren't selling. There's boxes of 'em!
0:21:39 > 0:21:43If you've any ideas, just send them in.
0:21:43 > 0:21:49No, Nick, play fair. The lad's got ideas, he's shown pluck and initiative. Let's hear him out.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Thank you, Granddad. Sugar Poofs.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57- Gay Men frosted with sugar. - Interesting.
0:21:57 > 0:22:03Golden Graeme. Dr Graeme Garden cut up and covered in delicious gold.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05- Not sure.- Coco Pups.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09- Real puppy dogs smothered in chocolate.- Not for us.
0:22:09 > 0:22:15For the health conscious amongst you, how about...an apple?
0:22:15 > 0:22:19- I can't really see it. - Er, Rice Krispies.- No.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Slice of toast?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- No.- Full English.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28This really isn't what we're looking for. Now we'd be grateful if...
0:22:28 > 0:22:35- What if I told you I can invent a cereal that would make everyone who ate it beautiful?- Can you?
0:22:35 > 0:22:37No.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- Get out!- You heard him. Out!
0:22:42 > 0:22:48It is a sad day in Andy's flat, and Lou is being as gentle as he can with him.
0:22:48 > 0:22:53- You know it's Maria's funeral today, don't you?- Yeah, I know.
0:22:53 > 0:22:58- We'd better put you in your smart suit, shouldn't we?- Yeah.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Who's Maria?
0:23:02 > 0:23:07Maria's the nice lady who looked after you before she got too ill.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Yeah, I know.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16Well, let's just get those off. ..Oh, there you go.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18What a kerfuffle!
0:23:19 > 0:23:23I don't know how Maria coped on her own all those years.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27Right, let's just get these smart trousers on.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29One foot...
0:23:29 > 0:23:31two foot...
0:23:31 > 0:23:33There you go.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Oh!
0:23:34 > 0:23:39Oh, it's hard work! Right, let's find you a nice belt.
0:23:39 > 0:23:45- You want to look nice and smart, don't you? Give her a good send-off.- Good send-off, yeah.
0:23:47 > 0:23:48Ah!
0:23:50 > 0:23:52This is the one Maria bought you.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Yeah?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Who's Maria?
0:23:57 > 0:24:03If you like to buy jigsaw puzzles with pieces missing or faulty electrical goods,
0:24:03 > 0:24:07why not pop down to your local charity shop?
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- Excuse me?- Yes?
0:24:14 > 0:24:18Do you know if anyone died in this?
0:24:18 > 0:24:22Um, I don't know. I couldn't say. I'm sorry.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29This is very nice.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Yes, it's a lovely colour.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Do you know if anyone died in it?
0:24:35 > 0:24:37I don't know.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40(We don't tend to ask.)
0:24:40 > 0:24:42No, we don't tend to ask.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45I think I'll leave it, then.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Oh!
0:24:48 > 0:24:52These pyjamas are beautiful!
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Oh, yes, they're pure silk.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Do you know if anyone died in them?
0:24:58 > 0:25:06Well, a lady did come in yesterday with a big sack of men's clothes and said her husband died in his sleep.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10- So he would have died in those. - I'll take them.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16- We're just in the garden, Anne, if you want to join us.- Ee-ee-ee!
0:25:18 > 0:25:22- We can play that later, if you like.- Ee-ee-ee!
0:25:23 > 0:25:26We don't need the toilet just now, Anne.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Ee-ee-ee!
0:25:28 > 0:25:32No, Anne. That's Emma's guinea pig. Put that back.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Oh!
0:25:38 > 0:25:41SQUEAK!
0:25:42 > 0:25:45We'll get you another one.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47In the seaside town of Oldhaven,
0:25:47 > 0:25:53unconvincing transvestite Emily Howard has gone for a quiet stroll along the prom.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Oh, lovely choice!
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Yes.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59I am a lady.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Are YOU a lady?
0:26:01 > 0:26:05- Yes.- Isn't it lovely being a lady? I am one.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09- And being a lady, I love flowers. Do you love flowers?- Yes.
0:26:09 > 0:26:15- We're like two peas in a pod, aren't we?- Yes. Well...I must get back to my husband.
0:26:15 > 0:26:22I have a husband! They can be so troublesome, these husbands, can't they? We should know, being ladies.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26- Shall we go?- Hello. I'm a friend of your wife.- ..Oh, right.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30Yes, we're both ladies and we got chatting and, you know...
0:26:30 > 0:26:34- Don't I know you from somewhere? - I don't think so. I am a lady.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Yeah, I know you. You're Eddie.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40- Eddie Howard. - No, no, I am Emily Howard, a lady.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44- We worked together.- I never worked down the docks!- Yeah, the docks.
0:26:44 > 0:26:51- You can vouch for me, can't you? - I...- ..You, child, you know I'm a lady, don't you?
0:26:51 > 0:26:52No.
0:26:52 > 0:26:57You, man on the beach! You know I'm a lady, don't you?
0:26:57 > 0:26:59No, you're a bloke.
0:26:59 > 0:27:04I am a lady and my name is Emily Howard.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05Look!
0:27:06 > 0:27:09"Emily Howard."
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Good day!
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Um, it doesn't seem to be here.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Yeah. Must have crawled out.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27- Well, it'll be in here somewhere. - Yeah.
0:27:29 > 0:27:34And so we reach the end of another episode of Little Britain.
0:27:34 > 0:27:41If you enjoyed this programme, you may like to know there are other programmes to watch on television.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45Such as the news, cartoons and magazine programmes.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46Good-boo.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk