0:00:02 > 0:00:04Brighton, Brighton, Brigh... Oh!
0:00:04 > 0:00:09Britain, Britain, Britain! Birthplace of William Shakespeare,
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Mahatma Gandhi and Big Bird!
0:00:11 > 0:00:14But what of the ordinary people of Britain?
0:00:14 > 0:00:17What about them and all their stuff?
0:00:17 > 0:00:22We aim to find out in what I promise is the final episode of this series!
0:00:22 > 0:00:29This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:29 > 0:00:34Transvestism in Britain is as popular today as it has always been.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38I'm currently wearing a lovely dress that used to belong to my father.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41ENGINE STRUGGLES
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Oi, mate?
0:00:44 > 0:00:47- You in the skirt.- Yes?! - Could you give me a push?
0:00:47 > 0:00:52- HIGH VOICE:- But I'm a lady! - Please?!- Ladies don't push!
0:00:52 > 0:00:56- Oh, go on, pal.- All right, then. A little lady's push.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01LIGHT PANTING ENGINE STRUGGLES
0:01:01 > 0:01:05- Could you push harder?- It sounds like you've flooded the engine.
0:01:05 > 0:01:12- Oh, have I?- Being a lady, I wouldn't really know, but it sounds like you've had the choke out too long.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15- Really?- Oui, oui. Ouvrez le bonnet.
0:01:18 > 0:01:23- DEEP VOICE:- Yeah, you've a faulty connection with your starter motor.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26- HIGH VOICE:- Try it now.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- ENGINE STARTS Oh, thanks.- Pleasure's all mine.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35You certainly know your stuff.
0:01:35 > 0:01:42- I grew up with three brothers, so I suppose I am a bit of a tomboy! - Yeah, I bet you are.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51It's 20 to Toby, and we're in Wales,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54which is, apparently, a part of Britain.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Absolutely fascinating!
0:01:56 > 0:02:00It says in here Boy George is a gay!
0:02:00 > 0:02:04Can I have another Bacardi and Coke, Myfanwy?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Can Miss Fitzwilliams get it? I'm leaving now.
0:02:07 > 0:02:12- Oh, yes, where are you going? - Well... I got a date, see.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13Ooh!
0:02:13 > 0:02:19Oh, I'd love to go on a date, but I can't as I'm the only gay in the village.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23Yes, of course you are. ..Right, see you tomorrow.
0:02:23 > 0:02:28- Who's the lucky fella?- I don't want to miss my bus.- Come on, who is he?
0:02:28 > 0:02:33I wasn't planning on telling you tonight, but you may as well know.
0:02:33 > 0:02:38- I'm going on a date with a woman. - I see! Girls' night out, is it?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Look, Daffyd, I'll make no bones about it.
0:02:43 > 0:02:48- I've actually been seeing this girl for a while now.- What?
0:02:48 > 0:02:53I suppose I'm coming to terms with the fact that I am a lesbian.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Ta-ra.
0:02:55 > 0:03:00- Ha... Hang on just a minute! - What?- You are not a gay.- I am.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- No, I'm the gay in this village. - Well, I'm gay, too.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- Bye.- Let's just talk about this!
0:03:07 > 0:03:11Can we do it later? Rhiannon's waiting for me!
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Rhiannon? Rhiannon? And how far have you gone with this Rhiannon?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Just a bit of fanny fun.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Can I have a large brandy, please, Miss Fitzwilliams?
0:03:23 > 0:03:28Look, Daffyd, I gotta go. Only Rhiannon's minge will get cold.
0:03:31 > 0:03:37- There you go, Daffyd.- Oh, thank you. So, did you know Myfanwy is a gay?
0:03:37 > 0:03:41Not until she joined my lesbian pottery class, no.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46When it comes to getting ready to go out,
0:03:46 > 0:03:51women in Britain take on average six months longer than men.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55At this house in Quimby, woman Helen is finally ready.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- Shh! He's sleeping.- We'll be late. - OK. The baby-sitter isn't here yet.
0:03:59 > 0:04:06- Is it Saskia?- She wasn't available. The agency's sending somebody else. Are these shoes OK?- They're fine.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10- DOORBELL RINGS - Oh, at last.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- Are you the baby-sitter? - Baby-sitter, yes.
0:04:17 > 0:04:24- Have you done this before? - Yes, I sit baby real good.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Bring her in.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Oh. Hello. I'm Peter.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Ah, Peter!
0:04:33 > 0:04:36That was my mother's name.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41And you've, er... you've met my wife Helen.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Ah, Helen! That was not my mother's name.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Actually, I don't feel very well.
0:04:47 > 0:04:53- This is important! Everyone from the office will be there. - Important, office, huh?
0:04:53 > 0:05:00- All right.- Harvey's over here. He's fine now. Any problems, our mobile numbers are on the table.
0:05:00 > 0:05:05I will make sure nothing happens to your baby! I swear on your life!
0:05:05 > 0:05:09- Oh, thank you. - If anybody tries to hurt him...
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- BOTH: We won't be long! - Shh!
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Is nothing. You go, you go. Enjoy.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24HE GRUNTS
0:05:26 > 0:05:28MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- Hello?- Your baby is fine.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35- Thank you.- If anything happens, I will phone you immediately.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39- Thank you. Well... - PHONE RINGS AGAIN
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- Hello?- Your baby is fine.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Give me the ball! Go and stand over there!
0:05:49 > 0:05:56Back at one of her old schools, reformed character Vicky Pollard has been asked to give a speech.
0:05:56 > 0:06:03Now, for today's General Studies, I've invited someone along who used to be a pupil at this school.
0:06:03 > 0:06:08Her name is Vicky Pollard, some of you may remember her.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12(I said sorry!)
0:06:12 > 0:06:18I'm sure Vicky won't mind me saying that she used to be a bit of a tearaway.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22She got caught shoplifting, was sent to a young offenders' institution,
0:06:22 > 0:06:26became pregnant at 14, and had the baby taken into care.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28But she's turned her life around.
0:06:28 > 0:06:35She's now got a job at Boots, a flat, and is taking a part-time course in... ..What is it?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- Reading.- Reading.
0:06:37 > 0:06:42And she's here today to tell us a little bit about her experiences.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46So, um... All right. Over to you, Vicky.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50"Shut up. I ain't done nothing.
0:06:50 > 0:06:56"And if anyone says I did, they get beatings."
0:07:00 > 0:07:07Right, thanks, um... Has anybody got any questions they want to ask? ..Jordan?
0:07:07 > 0:07:11- What'd you nick?- Shut up! I never nicked nuffin apart from one fing!
0:07:11 > 0:07:16One fing and a few other fings! Did you speak to Wayne Duggan?!
0:07:16 > 0:07:21Wayne Duggan bunked off PE and took a slash all over Elliot Nathan's brand-new Adidas bag!
0:07:21 > 0:07:27Now Elliot Nathan is gonna tell all of Year Nine that Wayne Duggan sniffs highlighter pens!
0:07:27 > 0:07:30OK. Let's have another one.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- Harmony? - Have you got a criminal record?
0:07:33 > 0:07:38Yeah, but you just lie! Misha says her dad killed a man, but he said he never!
0:07:38 > 0:07:43- Now he's got this good job putting the jam in Jammy Dodgers.- OK...
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- One more. ..Dean? - What's borstal like?
0:07:46 > 0:07:51Brilliant! It's better than school, cos there's no lessons or homework!
0:07:51 > 0:07:57There's people getting beaten up and once a girl got locked in the fridge and nearly died!
0:07:57 > 0:08:04Thanks, Vicky, there's a lot for us to think about there, and how we can apply it all to our own lives.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08- Oh, Kelly, did you have a question? - Did you get that Tommy for me?
0:08:11 > 0:08:16- Anyone else wants anything nicked, let me know.- Thanks a lot, Vicky.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- What?- You can go.- Thank you.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- Your baby?- Huh?
0:08:24 > 0:08:28It's OK, you can keep it. I've got loads more at home.
0:08:28 > 0:08:36Bonfires in Britain are a great way of getting rid of those things lying around that you don't need any more.
0:08:36 > 0:08:42Only last week, I found an old bonfire I never use and put that on the bonfire.
0:08:42 > 0:08:48- This is the last of the boxes. Now, are you sure you want all this stuff burnt?- Yeah.
0:08:48 > 0:08:53- Got all your old books and games in here. Are you sure you don't want them?- Yeah.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57- You want it put on the fire? - Yeah, burn it up.- Yeah.
0:08:57 > 0:09:02- Once it's burnt, you can't have it back, you know that?- Yeah, I know.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- You want it all burnt?- Yeah.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16I want me stuff back.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27So, my little friend, what shall we do?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30# Oh-oh!
0:09:30 > 0:09:34# Babooshka! Babooshka! Babooshka-ya-ya!
0:09:34 > 0:09:37# Oh-oh!
0:09:37 > 0:09:43# Babooshka! Babooshka! Babooshka-ya-ya! Oh-oh...! #
0:09:43 > 0:09:46GENTLE SINGING: # Babooshka, Babooshka-ya-ya... #
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- DOOR OPENS - Hello?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Shh! (Baby sleeping.)
0:09:52 > 0:09:56- Oh, how has he been? - He very hungry.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00- What did you give him?- Meat. - What kind of meat?- Good meat.
0:10:00 > 0:10:05- Did you give him any milk? - Yes, he very thirsty baby.
0:10:05 > 0:10:11- Aw! There was milk in the fridge, did you find that all right? - No, I use my own.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Right. Did you...? Did you have to change him?
0:10:17 > 0:10:21No, is same baby.
0:10:22 > 0:10:27Right, well, we were gone, what, about three hours, so is £15 OK?
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Oh...
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Thank you, thank you! £15!
0:10:32 > 0:10:38Where I come from, you have to baby-sit three hours to earn £15. I'll send it home to my mother!
0:10:38 > 0:10:42- Oh, that's good.- It is not good.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44- (She's dead.)- Oh.
0:10:44 > 0:10:50- Well, it's getting rather late, I imagine you'll want to be getting back.- Yes.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54If ever you need baby-sitter and Boris is not available,
0:10:54 > 0:10:58- please remember, I have brother Josef.- Oh, yes?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01He is a very bad man.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05But he wants to be good in his heart, uh.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10- Well, we'll bear that in mind. - Remember him!- We will, we will!
0:11:17 > 0:11:19DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES >
0:11:19 > 0:11:24- Hello, Harvey.- Oh, I think he's going to say something.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28BABY VOICE: Comrade Stalin salutes you!
0:11:29 > 0:11:34BELL RINGS At Kelsey Grammar School in Flange, it is break time.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38BELL RINGS
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Sit.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Yesterday's test did not make for happy reading!
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Meacher! The answer to question two was Golden Wonder, not KP!
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Philips, how many times do you need to be told?
0:11:56 > 0:12:00Red for ready salted, blue for salt'n'vinegar!
0:12:00 > 0:12:06Patel, the two variables on the graph were pickled onion and prawn cocktail.
0:12:07 > 0:12:12Wilson, you could have had Cheese'n'Owen or Smoky Beckham.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16There is no such flavour as Prawn Collymore!
0:12:18 > 0:12:24Papathasaniou, Monster Munch is maize-based. This was all covered in the first term.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27(I put maize.)
0:12:27 > 0:12:34Frazzles, Denton, not Quavers. They look like rashers, for Pete's sake! The clue is in the bag.
0:12:34 > 0:12:40Nash, you got 95%. Well done. I particularly enjoyed your diagram of a Wotsit.
0:12:41 > 0:12:46Irving, number five was oxbow lakes. Otherwise good.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49- Where is Irving? - He's having his tonsils out, sir.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57And finally, Palfrey, best before?
0:12:57 > 0:13:01- ALL: See base of pack. - Hmm.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Weather-wise, the best time to visit Scotland
0:13:09 > 0:13:14is Tuesday the 12th June, around 2.30. THUNDER RUMBLES
0:13:14 > 0:13:19Mr McCooney, you have tax payments overdue of nearly £20,000.
0:13:19 > 0:13:24- Can you give us a cheque today? - Maybe I can and maybe I can't.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28HE PLAYS AN EERIE TUNE
0:13:29 > 0:13:34We've had all of this last year. You've got to take this seriously.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38- Ye-e-es! - Can you give us the cheque today?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44HE PLAYS THE THEME TO "Dad's Army"
0:13:46 > 0:13:49That's not the answer I'm looking for.
0:13:49 > 0:13:54HE PLAYS THE THEME TO "Last Of The Summer Wine"
0:13:56 > 0:14:01You'd help yourself a lot more if you gave us some straight answers.
0:14:01 > 0:14:08Your form here is incomplete. "Gross income - yes. Net income - yes."
0:14:08 > 0:14:12No, it's not, "Yes," it's "Ye-e-e-es!"
0:14:12 > 0:14:16- You can't just put down, "Ye-e-es!" You do know that, don't you?- Yes.
0:14:16 > 0:14:21- So, can you pay us today? - What if I were to offer you...
0:14:21 > 0:14:24six magic beans?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Probably wouldn't be interested.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- SEVEN magic beans?- Nope.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35How about...a talking noisy box?
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Inside, there are tiny sprites a-talkin' to you.
0:14:39 > 0:14:44- But they cannae hear ye, mind, unless they do a phone-in.- No.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48You want the piccolilo, don't you?
0:14:50 > 0:14:54You'll never take it! Never! Oh!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- Have it and be gone! - I tell you what, Mr McCooney.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01- Why don't you take your quill...? - Ye-e-es?
0:15:01 > 0:15:07- ..and your magic money paper? - Ye-e-es!- Put your mark upon it.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- Ye-e-es.- We'll do the rest. - Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
0:15:10 > 0:15:15- Good day.- Fare thee well, keepers of the purse!
0:15:15 > 0:15:19HE PLAYS A MERRY TUNE MUSIC TRAILS OFF
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Shit!
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Country house, blah, blah, blah. Novelist, blah, blah, blah.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Cue the rude topiary.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Make sure you get every word, Miss Grace.
0:15:32 > 0:15:38'There's a tailback stretching a mile and a half, so avoid like the plague.
0:15:38 > 0:15:43- 'The Dartford Tunnel jam-packed as usual...'- Said James.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47'..at twenty past. In the meantime, remember this?'
0:15:47 > 0:15:51MUSIC: "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham
0:15:51 > 0:15:54# You do the jitterbug!
0:15:54 > 0:15:57# You do the jitterbug!
0:15:57 > 0:16:00# You do the jitterbug!
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- # You put the boom-boom... # - Said Lady Asquith.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08It's all change at the community centre.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12One group has finished their weekly meeting, whilst another begins.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15FatFighters meets once a week.
0:16:15 > 0:16:20Those in attendance have managed to stop eating for an hour to talk about food.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23The greedy fuckers!
0:16:23 > 0:16:27..or just some low-fat cottage cheese if you're a vege-lesbian.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32Before we go any further, I want to introduce you to a new face!
0:16:32 > 0:16:37She is a new face. She is in fact from FatFighters' head office.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Now her name is Mrs Harrison. Mrs Harrison has come here
0:16:41 > 0:16:46to check I run the meetings OK, so you can tell her I'm brilliant!
0:16:46 > 0:16:51- Did someone make a complaint or...? - It could be one complaint, it could be a series of complaints.
0:16:51 > 0:16:57Oh. Who was it? Was it him? ..You can't say, you can't say.
0:16:57 > 0:17:02Was it her? Was it written in Indian? ..You can't say.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04(Bastards.)
0:17:04 > 0:17:08OK, let's start with the weigh-in.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12- Paul, would you like to...? - Excuse me, Marjorie.
0:17:12 > 0:17:17- Yes, Mrs Harrison?- The course leader weighs themselves first.
0:17:17 > 0:17:23No, that's OK, Mrs Harrison, I weighed myself at home to save time - eight stone five.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32What? ..Right.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36Oh, this? Oh, sorry. Right. I'm sorry, I wasn't sure.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Do I get up, do I?
0:17:40 > 0:17:45- You were 14 stone and 4 pounds. - Oh! I was big, wasn't I?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49You are...
0:17:50 > 0:17:54..15 stone and 11 pounds.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Oh! Well, er...
0:17:59 > 0:18:05- You don't let us take shoes off. - Thanks, Miri. I don't know how you do things in India, but here...!
0:18:12 > 0:18:17- 15 stone, 10. - See?! It's dropping, dropping!
0:18:17 > 0:18:21This jacket's very, very heavy. ..I don't need these.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28- This can go.- Ooh!
0:18:34 > 0:18:38- 15 stone, 8½. - Oh, this has a lot of underwiring!
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- I think we've seen enough.- Yeah!
0:18:43 > 0:18:48This isn't easy for me to say, but since you've put on so much weight,
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- I'm afraid I must suspend you for a while.- You what?!
0:18:51 > 0:18:55Until you've lost weight! It doesn't set a good example.
0:18:55 > 0:19:01- Look who's talking! You're no spring onion!- We'll discuss this later.- Let's have it out now!
0:19:01 > 0:19:05- You're making an exhibition of yourself.- Oh, am I really?
0:19:05 > 0:19:12Well, you can take your FatFighters and you can shove it up your fat arse! That's right! SCREW YOU!
0:19:17 > 0:19:20DOOR SLAMS >
0:19:28 > 0:19:32CLASSICAL PIANO MUSIC
0:19:41 > 0:19:45TEXT MESSAGE ALERT ON MOBILE PHONE
0:19:48 > 0:19:51KEYS BEEP AS HE TYPES REPLY
0:19:55 > 0:20:01When I'm old, I hope I have the good manners to throw myself out of the window.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05But some people are selfish and go on living, like this old bitch.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11DOORBELL RINGS
0:20:14 > 0:20:18ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:20:18 > 0:20:22- MUSIC STOPS - Hello, Jason. Gary not with you?
0:20:22 > 0:20:28- No, I don't see so much of Gary these days.- Oh, that's a shame.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Well, come in.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37- I, er...brought you some things. - Oh, thank you.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Ooh!
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Oh, I like this.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Nice.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54What's this?
0:20:54 > 0:20:579½ Weeks.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Ooh!
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Right, now.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Oh...
0:21:06 > 0:21:09I-I can't have jelly. I'm diabetic.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Never mind, this bag will come in useful.
0:21:14 > 0:21:19Why don't you, er, open the ice cream now? It's fun to share.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24Not for me thanks, love, I've just had a nectarine. But you have some.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26DOORBELL RINGS
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Oh, that'll be Winnie.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31- I won't be a mo.- OK.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Oh, great(!)
0:21:34 > 0:21:38- (I've got somebody with me.) - Oh.- And he's a lovely boy.
0:21:38 > 0:21:43He's a friend of Gary's. Winnie, this is Jason.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Hello, love.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- PASSIONATELY:- Hello!
0:21:49 > 0:21:53- Can you see the family resemblance? - Yeah.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57You never told me you had an older sister.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Lovely to see you, dear.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Fancy a sandwich, Jason?
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Chinese food has been so popular in Britain,
0:22:16 > 0:22:20it has been exported as far afield as China.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25They repeated it last night, it was very funny.
0:22:25 > 0:22:30Mollie came in, shook her brolly, and said her pussy had got all wet!
0:22:30 > 0:22:36- Really?- It's funny, cos it rained at her wedding and my bridesmaid's outfit got soaked. ..Everybody.
0:22:38 > 0:22:43- This duck's very fatty.- Hmm.- D'you think I should send it back?- Yes.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49- Oh, my word! You'll never guess who's just walked in.- Who?
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- Mollie Sugden! - Don't be silly, Clive.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Yeah, that's definitely her!
0:22:56 > 0:23:01- Go and say hello!- No, Clive. She doesn't want to be bothered.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05- You were her bridesmaid! Of course she'll want to be bothered!- No!
0:23:05 > 0:23:09- OK!- Let's go somewhere else. I don't like it here.
0:23:09 > 0:23:14Have you seen who's just come in? Your friend, Mollie Sugden.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18- You haven't seen her for years! I'll bring her over.- Clive!
0:23:18 > 0:23:23- Excuse me, er... Mrs Sugden? - Yes?- I'm so sorry to bother you.
0:23:23 > 0:23:29I thought you might like to know I'm here today with my wife Liz, who used to be Liz Bendall.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33- Sorry?- Liz Bendall, she was your bridesmaid.
0:23:33 > 0:23:38Well, I don't know anyone called Liz. My friend Helen
0:23:38 > 0:23:42- was the only bridesmaid at... - WHACK!
0:23:50 > 0:23:57Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister is having an urgent meeting with his Italian counterpart.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01I actually lived in Italy for a few years, while I was Pope.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06- And, Prime Minister, I believe that...- Il noministro...
0:24:06 > 0:24:12- ..a special bond between our two nations... - HE TRANSLATES
0:24:12 > 0:24:17- ..can only grow stronger in this difficult time. - TRANSLATION CONTINUES
0:24:17 > 0:24:22This evening, I will be having talks with the President of France, whom I believe...
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Hiya!
0:24:24 > 0:24:26- Sebastian...- Sebastian.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30I'm in a very important meeting. Can't it wait?
0:24:30 > 0:24:35No, it can't! What's this about you going to China? We have a meeting!
0:24:35 > 0:24:40- TRANSLATION CONTINUES - It's an important international matter.
0:24:40 > 0:24:45- The meeting about your agricultural report will have to wait. - I had my hair done and everything!
0:24:45 > 0:24:48HE TRANSLATES
0:24:49 > 0:24:54- Sebastian... Sebastian, please. - Sebastian, per favore...
0:24:54 > 0:25:00You use me when you want, Michael, then you just throw me away! HE TRANSLATES
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Can you please... stop translating this?!
0:25:04 > 0:25:07HE SPEAKS ITALIAN
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Thank you.
0:25:13 > 0:25:19- Come here.- Don't touch me! - I could do without the hysterics. - Am I being hysterical?!- Shh!
0:25:19 > 0:25:24No! I think Prime Minister Carluccio should know what you're really like.
0:25:24 > 0:25:29- The meeting tomorrow is off. - Well, I've got other plans now anyway.- Oh, have you?
0:25:29 > 0:25:36Yeah, the leader of the opposition has invited me for tea. Think about that when you're on your plane!
0:25:36 > 0:25:43- Goodbye, Sebastian.- Whatever. Goodbye, Mr Italian Prime Minister! - Ciao.- Oh, ciao.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45- Ciao.- Get out!
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- Sorry about that.- Dolente.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00- HE SPEAKS ITALIAN - What did he say?
0:26:00 > 0:26:04The Prime Minister say, "If you love him, go after him."
0:26:08 > 0:26:11At this really SUPERmarket in Herby,
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Lou's taking Andy on his weekly shop.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Now, which soup do you want for your tea?
0:26:18 > 0:26:20That one.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- That one?- Yeah.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- That's whole sweet red peppers. - Yeah, I know.
0:26:26 > 0:26:31I'll get you cream of tomato. You like cream of tomato, don't you?
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Here! What are you doing?!
0:26:36 > 0:26:37Robbing.
0:26:37 > 0:26:43- It's very wrong to steal, you do know that, don't you?- Yeah, I know. - Well, put that back, then!
0:26:44 > 0:26:48I am very disappointed in you, Andy Pipkin.
0:26:48 > 0:26:53- I don't want to see you do anything like that again! D'you hear?- Sorry.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Right.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Now, we're all out of beans.
0:26:57 > 0:27:02I could get you the normal ones or the ones with the chipolatas in.
0:27:03 > 0:27:08Ooh! They're doing a special offer on Alphabetti Spaghetti.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Andy?
0:27:19 > 0:27:20Andy?!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Andy?
0:27:26 > 0:27:28- What's the record?- 16.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31We haven't got any more seats.
0:27:31 > 0:27:35- There's probably room for one more small one.- Ian.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40CAR HORN BEEPS
0:27:45 > 0:27:50It's no use, I've got to get out. ..Come on, I can't breathe.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54And so, this remarkable series draws to a close.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57I think it's fair to say
0:27:57 > 0:28:01that this has been arguably the finest programme ever broadcast,
0:28:01 > 0:28:06and that I am some kind of god, who should be worshipped as such.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10Next week, Coupling or something. Goodbibe!