0:00:02 > 0:00:07Britain, Britain, Britain. What an absolutely terrific place to live!
0:00:07 > 0:00:09We have no crime here, and why?
0:00:09 > 0:00:13It's not because we hang, draw and quarter you for parking violations,
0:00:13 > 0:00:18or disembowel litter louts, no! It is because of the people of Britain.
0:00:18 > 0:00:23They are the bestest, goodliest people on God's fair earth.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27And it is these everyday folksters that we look at for a bit today.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Keep it real!
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Emily and Florence are transvestites.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Some people are intolerant of transvestism,
0:00:38 > 0:00:40but live and let live, I say.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Everyone is equal and deserves the same rights, apart from lezzas.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Now let me do the talking.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54Oh, aren't these ladies' dresses delightful, my lady friend.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Yes Emily. This one is very you, I think.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Hello, can I help you ladies?
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Oh!
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Hello! Yes, I am getting married
0:01:03 > 0:01:06and I would like to purchase a dress, please.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08For your fiance?
0:01:08 > 0:01:11No, for me. I am a lady.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17Oh yes, and we require a bridesmaid's dress
0:01:17 > 0:01:19for my young lady friend here, Florence.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23Yes, I am ever so excited, I have never been a bridesmaid before.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25I am only 15, you see.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27What sort of dress are you looking for?
0:01:27 > 0:01:30A lady's dress that ladies wear.
0:01:30 > 0:01:35White of course, with frilly bits and shit.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37- This one is very nice.- Elizabeth!
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Yes. >
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Have we got any of the Marie Antoinettes?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43What size? >
0:01:43 > 0:01:45One it to fit a man.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48A large man.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51I don't think so. I'll have a look in the stockroom. >
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- OK. - HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Oh, and any bridesmaids outfits...
0:01:56 > 0:02:00for a short, fat bloke... with a moustache?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Ooh! Ooh! Ah! Ah!
0:02:07 > 0:02:10IN DEEP VOICE: Get this bloody thing on!
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Ladies noises!
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Oh Emily, you look simply divine.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22This man I am marrying will be so pleased.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24- How does it fit?- It is perfect!
0:02:24 > 0:02:28- I am normally an 8 and this is a 10, so...- Well, if you are sure?
0:02:28 > 0:02:29I'm quite sure.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32I'll just go and pop my clothes back on.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Pretty as a peach.
0:02:44 > 0:02:49Britain is a democracy where any citizen can become Prime Minister
0:02:49 > 0:02:51as long as they've a degree and aren't black.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Today the Prime Minister is having a very important summit
0:02:55 > 0:02:57with the American President.
0:02:57 > 0:03:02I think what you are proposing is an abuse of our friendship.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Look, there are no half measures.
0:03:06 > 0:03:11Either you are with the United States on this or you're against us.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17I think we will have to take advice from the United Nations
0:03:17 > 0:03:20because I refuse to be bullied into making a snap decision.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26United Nations can go to hell!
0:03:26 > 0:03:29If you want the relationship with our country to continue
0:03:29 > 0:03:31you are going to have to start delivering.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39Before you rush into anything
0:03:39 > 0:03:44perhaps you would like to see what the British intelligence has to say.
0:03:44 > 0:03:49And perhaps you would like to see what the CIA has gathered.
0:03:53 > 0:03:58Sebastian, could you get the document for the President, please?
0:03:58 > 0:04:02Yes, Prime Minister, I will get it right now, Prime Minister.
0:04:02 > 0:04:09Marvin? Can you get the CIA files for the Prime Minister, please?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Yes sir, Mr President, Sir!
0:04:16 > 0:04:20My Prime Minister's so much better than your President.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24Mr President's big and powerful and rugged. Your Prime Minister sucks!
0:04:24 > 0:04:25How dare you!
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- Get your hands off me! - Get your hands off me!
0:04:28 > 0:04:30What on earth is going on?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33THEY TALK AT ONCE
0:04:33 > 0:04:34That's enough!
0:04:34 > 0:04:37THEY TALK AT ONCE
0:04:37 > 0:04:38Enough!
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Mr President, we have to go to the photo call.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48This behaviour is inappropriate.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51This is a difficult enough situation and you're making it worse.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Let me handle this.
0:04:53 > 0:04:58You two should be ashamed of yourselves.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02Two senior aides acting like a pair of the third graders.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04You're an embarrassment.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12BOTH: Ooh!
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Mrs De Vere has been staying at Hill Grange health spa for five months
0:05:23 > 0:05:26and has so far lost nearly an ounce.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Mrs De Vere, I need to speak to you about this unpaid bill.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Mrs De Vere!
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Pick it up!
0:05:40 > 0:05:41Hello, girls!
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Hello, Mrs Poppodopoulos.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Mrs De Vere!
0:05:46 > 0:05:49My time now, darling.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Quickly!
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Mrs De Vere.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01- Call me Bubbles.- Can I have a word?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Can't you see I'm on the solaribed, darling?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Mrs De Vere, I need to resolve this payment situation.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09You owe us nearly £20,000 now.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12I will discuss this with you as soon as I am done, darling.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Mrs De Vere, you have been under there for over three hours now.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Yes, all right, darling.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40We you excuse me for a moment, Mr Hutton,
0:06:40 > 0:06:41I'm a little bit on fire.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Today, Lou is taking his friend, Andy, to a local pub.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Do I look all right?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- Andy?- Yeah.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14Now, you know I've been seeing a lot more of Anya recently,
0:07:14 > 0:07:16since she got her visa through.
0:07:16 > 0:07:21- I want you two to get to know each other, all right?- Yeah, I know.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Here she is.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28- Hello, Lou.- Hello, Anya.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30May I say you are looking lovely.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Here we are.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39Now, this is Anya, who I was telling you about.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43- Hello. I'm Anya.- Yeah, I know.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47Take a seat. Now, let me get everybody a drink.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Anya, what would you like?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Pint of bitter, please.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Pint of bitter, please.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58- Um, Andy?- I don't want nothing.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Now don't be silly. What do you want?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Pint, and another one.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07OK, won't be a mo.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14So, Andy...
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Lou tells me a lot about you.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21He is a very nice man, isn't he?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23I like him very much.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Oh my goodness, what happened?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44She pushed me.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47No!
0:08:48 > 0:08:51You evil Pole.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Being at university is a very harsh basket,
0:08:56 > 0:09:00with students having to attend anything up to one lecture a term.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03I'm sure I can get it finished by the end of the week.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07- And when is it due in?- Today.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09I'll ring Martin and see.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Hello, Martin, it's Linda.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Yep, I've got a student here,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20needs an extension on her feminist poetry essay.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25It's Joanna Harding, Jo Harding.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28How can I describe her?
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Quite short hair,
0:09:29 > 0:09:33a few piercings, wears a lot of black...
0:09:33 > 0:09:35combat trousers.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38That's right, the big fat lesbian.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Friday will be fine.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Meanwhile, in Little Bentcock, Dr Lawrence is showing Dr Beagrie
0:09:48 > 0:09:51how one of his patients, Ann, is getting on in her new job.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Of an evening, when it's still light,
0:09:54 > 0:09:58we encourage Ann to leave the hospital and work here. Watch this.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00No, it's very quiet today.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Oh, I'll call you back later.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Hello, Ann.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Eugh, eugh, eugh!
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Can I have a pair of size nine bowling shoes, please?
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Eugh, eugh, eugh!
0:10:15 > 0:10:18No, size nine bowling shoes please, Ann.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Eugh, eugh, eugh!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Thank you very much, Ann. See you later.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Fat Fighters is a very valuable organisation
0:10:39 > 0:10:42which offers help and support to those serious about losing weight,
0:10:42 > 0:10:44like these fat bastards.
0:10:44 > 0:10:4718 stone five.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Oh, no, you've put on again, haven't you?
0:10:49 > 0:10:53Oh, dear, it's not easy, is it?
0:10:53 > 0:10:57See, your problem is, Tanya, you're fat AND old.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00It gets harder and there's no man, is there? You're on your own?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Yes, my husband left me.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Yeah, well he would have done. Younger woman, wasn't it?
0:11:06 > 0:11:0949? You're on your own now, every night, crying and eating.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13At least you've got us here at Fat Fighters to make you feel better.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Off you pop!
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Oh, she stinks and all.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Right, Pat, you're next.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Pat. Fat Pat.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Fatty Patty, boom-boom.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- 17 stone two.- Oh, no!
0:11:28 > 0:11:31You've gone up an' all! Two pounds.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32I was doing so well.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36It don't matter. I like something to hold onto.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Sorry, what was that?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40He was making a joke. We've started seeing each other.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Oh!
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Oh!
0:11:46 > 0:11:48How long's this been going on?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50- A couple of weeks. - A couple of wee...
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Oh...
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Mind you, in a way, I suppose it does make sense, two fatties together.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58You do often get that, fat on fat.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Maybe we shall have our first Fat Fighters wedding.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05In English, please, if you are going to say anything, my love.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07So, how do the mechanics of your lovemaking work?
0:12:07 > 0:12:12Do you have to use a winch or do you have a system of weights and pulleys?
0:12:12 > 0:12:17- What kind of question's that? - I don't want to know. But when you do get two fatties together,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20or fat love, they often do pile it on.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Do you see what I'm saying? Cos there is no incentive.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Well, I think she's lovely.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28That's not helping her.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31I've said it before. Pat is morbidly obese.
0:12:31 > 0:12:36I have only seen one person fatter than Pat and that was Barbara Papa.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40The kindest thing to do is tell her call when she's lost a few stone.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44- Thanks, Marjorie.- That's no problem, Pat. I'm only thinking of you.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46I really care about you
0:12:46 > 0:12:49because you are now really...
0:12:49 > 0:12:51an enormous fat pig.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Paul, you're next.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Over in Llandewi Breffi, devoted homosexualist, Daffyd Thomas,
0:13:03 > 0:13:06is taking part in the village fete.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- Hello, Daffyd.- Good afternoon.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Ooh, how much are your poppers?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17This is a gay stall for gays only.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18My grandson's gay.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Yes. It's probably just a phase.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Hello, Mrs Williams. Lovely flowers in the church last Sunday.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28My pleasure, Vicar. Oh, have you met Daffyd?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30No, I don't think I have.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Daffyd Thomas, the only gay in the village.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Hello, I'm Glyn, the new vicar.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37I wonder what the church would make of my stall?
0:13:37 > 0:13:38I'm not moving, I tell you!
0:13:38 > 0:13:40I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it!
0:13:40 > 0:13:42I think it's wonderful you're here.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46I want to bring more gay people from the village into the church.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Gay person.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Do these butt plugs come with batteries?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Put that down!
0:13:53 > 0:13:55A gay stall. Isn't that lovely, darling?
0:13:55 > 0:13:59- Hello, I'm the verger. - What the hell was that?
0:13:59 > 0:14:02We're a couple. We met at my last parish in Merthyr Tydfil.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03And you had to come here?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- I don't know why I bother. - It's a cause for celebration.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09- You're gay, we're gay. - I shall be writing to the Bishop.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11I wouldn't bother. He's gay.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Actually, he's bi.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15What happened to religious homophobia?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17It's all changed, dear.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Oh, this will be very nice for the archdeacon.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Oh, yes. Have you got one in black?
0:14:22 > 0:14:23That's disgusting!
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- Right, I'm off!- Where are you going?
0:14:26 > 0:14:27I can't stay here now, can I?
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- What's the matter? - I'm the only gay in this village!
0:14:30 > 0:14:34I've said it before, vicar, and I'll say it again.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37What that boy needs is a nice big cock up his arse.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43If you could ask, I would really appreciate it.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46OK. I'll see what I can do.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Martin, it's Linda.
0:14:51 > 0:14:56I've got a student needing the rest of the week off. Personal reasons.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Mum's ill.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Yep. It's Kenneth Lau.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Um, how can I describe him?
0:15:04 > 0:15:09He's got straight black hair, yellowish skin,
0:15:09 > 0:15:12slight smell of soy sauce.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17That's it, the ching-chong Chinaman.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18OK.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20He says that's fine.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30At this restaurant in Harlot,
0:15:30 > 0:15:35Harvey and Jane's parents are meeting for the first time.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38..in raising a toast to Harvey and Jane.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39Harvey and Jane.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42To us.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Certainly got our work cut out for September, haven't we?
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Shall I see if the golf club's free for the reception?
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Thank you. That'd be great.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Still hungry.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- We'll have something when you get back, yes?- Hungry.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57When our eldest daughter got married,
0:15:57 > 0:16:00she decided she wanted to have it in a very small village church,
0:16:00 > 0:16:02- didn't she, Harvey?- Bitty.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06No, darling. The problem was the church only held 100...
0:16:06 > 0:16:08- Bitty.- Not bitty now, Bitty later.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Mum's drawn up a list of people she'd like to invite.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Yes. We've got some family in New Zealand.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- Bitty! - Darling, you've just had pudding.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Bitty! Bitty!
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Excuse me.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32You were saying?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Oh...well...
0:16:35 > 0:16:40We were just saying that... we can...do that list.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- Coffee?- Ooh, lovely.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44You having coffee, son?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47No thank you, Daddy. I'm fine with milk.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51It's hard, isn't it? All these relatives you see once a year -
0:16:51 > 0:16:55bloody bores - and you feel you have to invite them.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- Yes.- They never do bring enough.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Let me.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Oh, sorry!
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Ooh, lovely.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24So, do you follow the cricket?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Banks in Britain are extremely popular.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36In fact, but there is nothing I like a more than a jolly good bank.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- How old is he? - Go on, tell the nice lady.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Nearly six.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Nearly...six.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54He's just got some money and wants to open his first bank account.
0:17:54 > 0:17:59Well, we do have a junior saver account.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01You get a free Percy piggy bank.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Oink, oink.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05Ooh, lovely!
0:18:05 > 0:18:10You get entered into a prize draw to win a free trip to Euro Disney.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14I think he would like to open one of these please, wouldn't you?
0:18:17 > 0:18:20The computer says no.
0:18:32 > 0:18:37It's a school day, so Vicky Pollard has taken herself off to the park.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Hi, Karl.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49High, um...
0:18:49 > 0:18:50Vicky.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Move, actually.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59So...
0:18:59 > 0:19:03are you going down Kelly's party later?
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- Might do.- If you want, I'll go with you, yeah?
0:19:06 > 0:19:07If I go, I'll go with Bethany.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Vicky, why are you always trying to get off with my boyfriend?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Oh, my God! I so can't believe you just said that!
0:19:13 > 0:19:16It's like when I threw Anita's Nokia in the canal.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19She's like, "Buy me another." I'm like, "Get over it!"
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Then Paul came over, he's adopted anyway,
0:19:21 > 0:19:23and said I fancied Mark Bennett.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Just cos I had sex with someone doesn't mean I fancy 'em.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Everyone's jealous cos I saw Christine Aguilera on the bus.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- You never saw her.- I did!
0:19:31 > 0:19:35You are such a liar! Anyway, stop trying to get off with my boyfriend.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Eugh! Don't be disgusting! Why would I fancy him?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Mingin'! He's well gay anyway.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Well, Rochelle said that you told her you fancy him. Did you?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, I didn't.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50Rochelle's going to get beaten for saying that. She's a liar!
0:19:50 > 0:19:53What about when she didn't go to Shanita's house cos her dad was ill,
0:19:53 > 0:19:55and all he had was a brain haemorrhage.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56Karl does fancy me.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00He said he wanted to take me to the back of the language lab
0:20:00 > 0:20:01and touch my Forest of Dean.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Piss off!
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Don't worry! I was going anyway, you pair of total lesbo spackers!
0:20:08 > 0:20:11If I see either of you again, you are both dead.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Can you give me a hand up, please?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Thanks.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24I'm more confident on the road.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30Jeremy Rent is an actor's agent.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32I haven't heard from my agent for many years,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35but then she is hopelessly dead.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39So, that is a confirmed booking for my client, Melvyn Hayes,
0:20:39 > 0:20:45to appear as Buttons in Cinderella at the Harlequin Theatre this Christmas.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Oh yes, the fee.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48How does £200 a week sound?
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Well I am sorry, but I cannot afford to pay you any more. Goodbye.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54FLY BUZZES
0:20:54 > 0:20:55INTERCOM BUZZES
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- 'Dennis Waterman here to see you.' - Lovely. Send him in.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Hello!
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- Hello, Den.- Hot today, isn't it?
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- Oh, yes, it's sweltering. - I brought you a can of pop.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11That's very kind of you. Do you need a hand bringing it in?
0:21:11 > 0:21:120h, no. I'll be fine.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15FLY BUZZES
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Woh! Woh!
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Wo-oh!
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Thank you very much.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Oh, lovely, thank you.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Now, I've had a call from the people at Birds Eye.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Is there a fly in here?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Yes, don't worry, it won't hurt you.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44Oooh! Aaaah! Oooh! Aaaah!
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Just ignore it, it will fly away.
0:21:48 > 0:21:53They're making new adverts and want you to be Captain Birds Eye.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56They want me to star in it, write and sing the theme tune?
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Well, no, they've already got a song.
0:21:59 > 0:22:04I know it! # They are bigger than most, and tastier. Do-do, do-do-do
0:22:04 > 0:22:08# That's why I am the captain of the fish finger. Do-do, do-do-do
0:22:08 > 0:22:11# They're called fish fingers but they're not fingers of fish
0:22:11 > 0:22:14# Cos fish actually have fins. #
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Oh dear.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Very hot today, isn't it?
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Well, why don't you try this?
0:22:23 > 0:22:27Woh! Woh! Wo-oh!
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Wo-oh!
0:22:31 > 0:22:32KNOCK AT DOOR
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Come in.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Oh, hello, Paul.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Hi. I have the form right here.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39I just need the head of department to sign it.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42OK, take a seat, I'll see if he is in his office.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Hello, Martin, it's Linda.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52I've Paul Roberts here, needs you to sign his grant application form.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55You know Paul. Everyone knows Paul.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Um...
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Shoulder-length brown hair,
0:22:59 > 0:23:02wears a lot of jewellery,
0:23:02 > 0:23:04looks up a lot.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Gets his clothes from Mothercare.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08That's it, the Oompa Loompa.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13He says go straight up.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22# Oompa Loompa, dup-a-dee-do. #
0:23:22 > 0:23:25It's nought o'clock, and at this shop in Phlegm,
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Mr Man is looking for a video.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31I watched a video once, it was called Memorex E180.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33It was rather dull.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35I was just about to close...
0:23:35 > 0:23:37It won't take long.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39What is it you're looking for?
0:23:39 > 0:23:43I would like to rent a film with Chevy Chase and Rick Moranis
0:23:43 > 0:23:45as a pair of cops who have to go undercover
0:23:45 > 0:23:47and pose as rappers in order to foil a drug deal.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Certificate 15.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54I don't think I know that film.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Margaret knows all the films. One moment.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Margaret? Margaret?
0:24:08 > 0:24:09Yes? >
0:24:09 > 0:24:13A gentleman wants to know if we've got any videos starring Chevy Chase
0:24:13 > 0:24:16and Rick Moranis as cops who have to go undercover
0:24:16 > 0:24:18and pose as rappers in order to foil a drug deal.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21- Certificate 15.- Certificate 15.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22I don't know. >
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Oh, she doesn't know!
0:24:24 > 0:24:28It actually ends with them having to take part in a rap competition.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31It is very amusing.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34- Does he know what it's called? - Do you know?
0:24:34 > 0:24:35- No.- No!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37- Oh!- Oh!
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Well, I don't know what to suggest.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- Is he sure the film exists? - Are you sure the film exists?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45No.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47No!
0:24:47 > 0:24:51But it is the film I would like to see tonight.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Right.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Well, I'm not sure it's been made,
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- so I don't think you're going to be able to watch it tonight.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02It's OK, I'll wait.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06You'll wait?
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Yes, until it's been made.
0:25:09 > 0:25:14Well, here's an idea. How about we let you know the moment it comes in?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Yes, the moment, please. I'm a very busy man.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Hello?
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Can I call you back? I'm just in the middle of something.
0:25:47 > 0:25:52Today in Pox, the Women's Institute is playing host to their local Conservative MP.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56I love the Conservatives! They are my favourite political party
0:25:56 > 0:25:59after Labour and the Liberal Democrats.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01I'm speaking for the whole of the WI
0:26:01 > 0:26:04when I say thank you so much for coming to talk to us today.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09I know it's important to have the support of you ladies.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Fancy a vol-au-vent?
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Oh, yes, please.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Mmm, that is delicious.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21- Did you make them yourself?- Yes.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23You must give me the recipe.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Well, actually, it's one of Ainsley Harriott's.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41You really must come and speak to us again.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Yes.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50If you enjoy the smell of dung and being shouted at by farmers,
0:26:50 > 0:26:54why not spend a day in the countryside?
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Isn't the countryside lovely?
0:26:56 > 0:27:00- It's boring.- But I thought you said you love the countryside.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03I thought you said that the natural world had a sublime beauty,
0:27:03 > 0:27:06unrivalled by anything man-made.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Yeah, I know.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Now, where are we exactly?
0:27:10 > 0:27:12This is boring, I want to go home.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Yes, the trouble is, I think we're a bit lost.
0:27:15 > 0:27:16Let me just ask this lady.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Excuse me, love, I think we're a bit lost.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Do you know the way to Taplow farm?
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Er...
0:27:24 > 0:27:26- One moment.- Hello, Mr Horse.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Good boy. Right, let's have a look.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Now. Taplow farm, it's quite a way.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33It's here on the map. I thought we were near.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34We're the yellow line here.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Oh, I thought we were coming along this way.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39No, no...
0:27:42 > 0:27:46And so we conclude our journey around Little Britain.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50Tonight's programme has ended a little sooner than usual
0:27:50 > 0:27:53because I need to do a pooh now.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Goodbye-bye!
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Subtitles by BBC Broadcast - 2004
0:27:58 > 0:28:01E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk