0:00:02 > 0:00:04Britain, Britain, Britain -
0:00:04 > 0:00:08recently awarded the OBE, but why?
0:00:08 > 0:00:12Not just because we won all those wars or invented the scone.
0:00:12 > 0:00:17No, it's because of the people of Britain - the British.
0:00:17 > 0:00:18The Brits -
0:00:18 > 0:00:22or "scum" as we are affectionately known around the world.
0:00:22 > 0:00:28Let's take a trip around this fragrant isle and find out who they are,
0:00:28 > 0:00:30and what they're doing. Bring it on!
0:00:30 > 0:00:35The police, or "pigs" as they are affectionately known,
0:00:35 > 0:00:37are always busy solving crimes.
0:00:37 > 0:00:43Popular crimes include armed robbery, GBH and my personal favourite - murder.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48Perhaps the next time you try to steal a horse, you'll think again.
0:00:48 > 0:00:53- SHE TUTS - Don't tut. I'm letting you off with a warning. Think yourself lucky.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56ALL RIGHT! Who do you think you are, the law or summat?!
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Ten hundred thousand pounds?
0:01:03 > 0:01:08So, Vicky...you say you witnessed the robbery?
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Yeah, but, yeah, but, what happened was
0:01:11 > 0:01:14- this bloke robbed this bank or somethin'...- It was a jewellers.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18Yeah, and I was told the man that done and it he was, like, SO guilty
0:01:18 > 0:01:22and it was, like, SO obviously him and he looks exactly like that,
0:01:22 > 0:01:25so can I have ten hundred thousand pounds, please?
0:01:25 > 0:01:27You didn't see anything, did you?
0:01:27 > 0:01:33Oh my God! I SO can't believe you said that. I was right in the middle of it! He tried to nick my Reeboks!
0:01:33 > 0:01:35I should get CON-SIPATION for that!
0:01:35 > 0:01:38You know it's an offence to waste police time?
0:01:38 > 0:01:43No, but, yeah, but, no, because I'm not wasting police time
0:01:43 > 0:01:49because Misha saw the whole thing cos she was bunking off school cos she was gonna get off with Luke Rivers,
0:01:49 > 0:01:53but his moustache looks like pubes, so she got off with Luke Torbet,
0:01:53 > 0:01:57but don't tell Bethany cos she's fancied Luke Torbet since she flashed her fanny at him during Home Ec.
0:01:57 > 0:02:02- What's this got to do with the investigation?- I'm getting there!
0:02:02 > 0:02:05But Ellie Barnes, who is a total slag bag,
0:02:05 > 0:02:08said Craig Welsh's brother left a rubber johnny on Miss Turner's desk!
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Vicky, we're just interested in the robbery.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15WHAT ROBBERY?! I ain't done nothin'!
0:02:15 > 0:02:19It's like when Sumina said I threw a tampon at Ian Button in assembly,
0:02:19 > 0:02:22but she was well out of order, cos it was a panty pad.
0:02:22 > 0:02:28- You have no idea who did this crime. - Oh, my God! I SO can't believe you just said that!
0:02:28 > 0:02:31I was SO just about to tell you who the robber was!
0:02:33 > 0:02:35- Are you all finished in here?- Yeah.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38She done it.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Did you see that? She well just gave me guilties!
0:02:45 > 0:02:51The people of Pox are enjoying light refreshment after their annual carol service.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54I love carols, although I do prefer Barbaras.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58- Lovely service, vicar.- Yes, vicar. - Thank you, ladies.
0:02:58 > 0:03:03To hear the children sing all those carols - for me, that's the true meaning of Christmas.
0:03:03 > 0:03:09- Yes, they did do well, didn't they? But it's all down to the choirmaster.- Thank you, vicar.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Mince pie, ladies?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Oh, thank you! Oh, they're still hot.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Mmm...
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Lovely! Did you make these?
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Yes...with my partner, Stephen.
0:03:38 > 0:03:44By the way, I thought the solo in Silent Night was divine.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Thank you.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52It's five to Jackie S, not Jackie P,
0:03:52 > 0:03:57and in the northern town of Dirty Boy, lies this sublime newsagents.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Hello.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Thirsty?
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Yeah.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Hungry?
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Looking to catch up on the day's news and sport?
0:04:35 > 0:04:39Hoping to write letter to friend or relative?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Planning a wank?
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Just these.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- Can I take your order, sir?- Yes,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06I'll have the foie gras to start.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10- And for your main course, sir? - Poached guinea fowl.
0:05:10 > 0:05:16- Would you like vegetables with that, sir?- Just dauphinoise potatoes.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Excellent choice, sir.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20And a Double Decker.
0:05:24 > 0:05:29Today, Emily is taking Florence to the ballet.
0:05:29 > 0:05:34Emily, you're absolutely sure this is what ladies wear when they go down the ballet?
0:05:34 > 0:05:38Trust me, dear Florence, all the best ladies dress like this.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42Just do as I do and no-one will suspect a thing.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46I love to slip into a tutu -
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Bishop Desmond Tutu.
0:05:52 > 0:05:58Good evening. Two LADIES' tickets for the ballet, s'il vous plait.
0:05:58 > 0:06:03- They're all the same price, sir. Where would you like to sit? - In a seat, please.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Yes, facing the stage. We love the ballet, you see!
0:06:07 > 0:06:10We're just two ladies who love the ballet!
0:06:10 > 0:06:15- Florence here was very nearly a ballerina.- Yea... Was I?- Yes.
0:06:15 > 0:06:20- She always dreamed of being a prima ballerina.- Yes, but then I became a hod-carrier.
0:06:20 > 0:06:26I am definitely a lady, and I have been coming to the ballet now for many a year.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30I've seen all the finest companies - the Rambert, the Bolshoi...
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Legs & Co.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37That's two tickets in the stalls at £50 each. How would you like to pay?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Um...Switch.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42"Mr Edward Howard."
0:06:42 > 0:06:45My husband's card! Silly me!
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Her husband's card! Yes! How funny!
0:06:48 > 0:06:50LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
0:06:52 > 0:06:57- Do you have any cash, Florence, dear?- I should have some in here.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Where are we? Ah, yes...20, 40, 60...
0:07:00 > 0:07:03VOICE GETS GRUFF: 80, a ton.
0:07:03 > 0:07:04Merci beaucoup!
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Excuse me, where's the bogs?
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Ou les...le chambres...
0:07:12 > 0:07:13de pee-pee?
0:07:13 > 0:07:17Toilets are through there, but the performance is about to start.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- Merci.- Ta very much.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- Ooh!- Two ladies having a pee!
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Hey!
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Ooh! Whoops-a-daisy!
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Christmas was first celebrated in Britain in 1986,
0:07:44 > 0:07:48to commemorate the birth of Lord Martin Christmas.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00CARS ENGINES REV ON TELEVISION
0:08:08 > 0:08:13- Remember you're going to be reading in church today.- Yeah, I know.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17- What do you wanna wear? I'm going to put the iron on.- Baby Jesus.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19What about the baby Jesus?
0:08:19 > 0:08:23- I wanna go dressed as the baby Jesus. - Hmm...
0:08:23 > 0:08:28I'm not really sure that's a good idea. I know you like the baby Jesus...
0:08:28 > 0:08:34- I love the baby Jesus.- I'm not sure you dressing up as him is going to go down that well in church.
0:08:34 > 0:08:39It's going to be a right kerfuffle making you up a baby Jesus outfit at such short notice.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Baby Jesus.
0:08:45 > 0:08:51And now Andrew Pipkin is going to read for us from the Gospel according to St Matthew.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Andrew.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08"And so it came to pass
0:09:08 > 0:09:12"that Mary and Joseph made their way to the city of Bethlehem.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15"They sought high and low for refuge,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18"but there was no room at the inn."
0:09:18 > 0:09:20I look a pillock.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25- So that you can have the opportunity...- In Kidney, Dr Lawrence
0:09:25 > 0:09:27has taken Dr Beegree to see one of his patients
0:09:27 > 0:09:32take part in an amateur production of The Importance Of Being Earnest.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35You must be serious. I hate people who are not serious about wills.
0:09:35 > 0:09:40I know Anne's worked hard on this. I think she'll be fantastic.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Lady Bracknell.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Oh, this'll be her now.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Good afternoon, Lady Bracknell.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Eh-eh-eh!
0:09:53 > 0:09:56May I offer you a cucumber sandwich?
0:09:56 > 0:09:57Eh-eh-eh!
0:09:59 > 0:10:03Oh, the handbag line. I'm dying to see how she does it.
0:10:03 > 0:10:08I was telling Algernon how I was found in Victoria Station in a handbag.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Eh-eh-eh?
0:10:10 > 0:10:11Brilliant.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Um, yes, Lady Bracknell, I was in a handbag -
0:10:15 > 0:10:20- a somewhat large black leather handbag with handles...- Eh-eh-eh!
0:10:21 > 0:10:26- I was in the cloakroom of Victoria Station.- Ah, the Brighton line!
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Yes, I need hardly...
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I don't remember this bit.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38I'd love to see her do some Shakespeare.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Eh-eh-eh!
0:10:41 > 0:10:46Every Christmas, Marjory Dawes takes her Fat Fighters group out for a meal.
0:10:46 > 0:10:51Best meal I ever had was in Rome - in a little backstreet. Chicken McNuggets and chips.
0:10:51 > 0:10:57I asked for a corner table cos it's not fair on the other diners to have to watch fat people eat.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01It looks so nice, doesn't it? I dunno what to have.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05It's Christmas, so everyone can order what they like. You've got to have a night off.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08We're not Fat Fighters now, are we?
0:11:08 > 0:11:13I'm not sure they do curry here, Moira, but why not order some English food? Spag bol.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- Everyone ready?- I think so.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22By the way, we're all from Fat Fighters, aren't we gang? Yay!
0:11:22 > 0:11:27- In case you're wondering what I'm doing with them, I'm the leader. - What would you like?
0:11:27 > 0:11:32- I think I'll have the garlic bread. - I don't think you should be having a starter, Tanya, do you?
0:11:32 > 0:11:36OK, then, in that case I'll just have the chicken Kiev.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- Anything on the side?- No.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42I'll have the steak and chips.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46No, just give him a salad without the dressing.
0:11:46 > 0:11:53- Can I have lasagne...?- What I think is best, is if you just POINT at what you want, yeah?
0:11:53 > 0:11:58- Pat?- Seeing as you're ordering for us, I'll just have salad.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Cancel that. Do you have any dust?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Dust?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Hoover dust?
0:12:04 > 0:12:07No? Dust? Dust?
0:12:07 > 0:12:10No? Dust? No? Dust? No dust? No?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13No dust? Hoover dust? No? No dust?
0:12:13 > 0:12:17- No.- Well, in that case, just give her a glass of water.
0:12:17 > 0:12:22- Anything for you?- Nothing for me. I want to keep my figure. I never eat after six.
0:12:22 > 0:12:27- So, has everyone finished their Christmas shopping, then?- No.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29No, I haven't done any of it yet.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33QUIET CHATTER Oh, I just dropped my fork.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34Excuse me.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38- Yeah, go on. - GOBBLING NOISES
0:12:43 > 0:12:45GOBBLING AND MUNCHING
0:12:48 > 0:12:50So...
0:12:50 > 0:12:53what's everyone doing for Christmas?
0:12:56 > 0:13:02Over at Llandewi Breffi, gay boy Daffyd Thomas is taking a stand against his local library.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06- Morning, Daffyd. - We're taking action, Mrs Jones.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Oh, right.
0:13:11 > 0:13:17- Is there something the matter? - Quentin Crisp - The Naked Civil Servant. The Joe Orton diaries.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- My Struggle - Dale Winton.- Right.
0:13:20 > 0:13:25It's not easy being the only gay in the village - it's bloody hard. Books like this have been a lifeline to me.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- Oh, Will Young.- Put that down! It's a gay book for gays.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Sorry.
0:13:31 > 0:13:36There we go. This library now has its own Gay & Lesbian including Bisexual section.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40Another step forward for the Llandewi Breffi Gay Liberation Front - me!
0:13:40 > 0:13:44Actually, Daffyd, I don't know if you've ever been past Travel,
0:13:44 > 0:13:49- but we do have quite a popular Gay section.- What?!- Come with me.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- There.- What the hell is...?!
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Shh!
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- Have you decided what you're having yet, sir?- No.
0:14:04 > 0:14:09- The oysters are very good.- All right, half a dozen oysters to start.
0:14:09 > 0:14:15- And for your main course? - The liver...with baby onions and Savoy cabbage.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Excellent choice.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19And a Lion bar and a Peperami.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28This is number 10 Downing Street.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Today, the prime minister and his wife
0:14:30 > 0:14:34are preparing to make an important announcement.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37I don't want to spoil it, but they're having a baby.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41KNOCK ON DOOR Come.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Morning, Prime Minister!
0:14:44 > 0:14:48- Hello, Sebastian. You know my wife, don't you?- Hello.- Hi!
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- Maybe I should just GO! - No, please - sit down.
0:14:57 > 0:15:04We've something to tell you. I'd like you to issue a press statement confirming Sarah is pregnant.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06WHA-A-A-AT?!
0:15:06 > 0:15:10Three months gone and... bump's beginning to show.
0:15:10 > 0:15:15Actually, you're the first person on the staff to know. It's great news, isn't it?
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Whatever!
0:15:17 > 0:15:21So is that it, or is there something important you need to discuss?
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Well, it'll be quite a big story today and I'd like you to handle it.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29PHONE RINGS Oh, Chief Whip. Excuse me.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32So, it's definitely his, is it?
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Yes, of course it is. Sebastian, we need to compose this statement.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- Very clever!- Excuse me?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42What you've done - very clever.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- I'm sorry?- Got yourself up the duff.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49- Did you say you were on the pill? Tricked him into it?- No,
0:15:49 > 0:15:54- we've been married for 12 years, trying for children for two. - You've worked it, girl.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- WHAT?- You've got him!
0:15:57 > 0:16:01You've won! But let me tell you this, girlfriend -
0:16:01 > 0:16:07- while you're piling on the pounds eating for two, he'll be looking elsewhere!- How dare you!
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Oh... Is she all right?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16You know - women's problems.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Shall we get on with this statement?
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Yup. Um... "We regret to announce...?"
0:16:24 > 0:16:28"Well, she's done it. The bitch has done it."
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Explain.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Oh, sorry, Prime Minister.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40You know we could have adopted.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55People in Britain like to keep their money safe -
0:16:55 > 0:17:00either by depositing it in a bank or by nailing it to their front door.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06- It's 80,000, which is cheap for round here. MONOTONOUSLY:- Oh, yeah.
0:17:06 > 0:17:11- The estate agent reckons we could get them down to 75.- Sounds great.
0:17:11 > 0:17:16The best mortgage for you is the Midwest First Time Buyers Plus.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- Oh, yeah?- Yeah...
0:17:19 > 0:17:23There's a fixed rate of 4.9% over five years,
0:17:23 > 0:17:27and an instant cashback of £10,000.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- Right.- Sounds good.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33We'll go for that, please.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- (It's going to be brilliant!) - I know.- I know.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Computer says no.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47This upper class family are meeting their wedding caterer.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49If you're not sure which class you are,
0:17:49 > 0:17:54simply pull back your foreskin where you'll see "lower", "middle" or "upper".
0:17:54 > 0:17:59For the starter, I was thinking of wild asparagus tips
0:17:59 > 0:18:01with hollandaise sauce.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05Of course, I'm open to suggestions, so if there's anything you like,
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- it's your wedding, you should say. - Bitty.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Sorry?
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- Not now, Harvey. - I don't like asparagus.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17- Maybe you could do some smoked salmon for my mother?- Bitty.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- No, Harvey.- Bitty.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22You've just had bitty.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24Please.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Well, for the main
0:18:26 > 0:18:32I was going to suggest breast of pigeon with wild mushroom risotto.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- That sounds lovely. - Sounds a bit rich.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38- I don't like risotto. - Is there anything you'd prefer?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40- Bitty!- Come on, Harvey.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43We will offer a vegetarian option.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47Oh, bloody vegetarians! String up the lot of them, I say!
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Bitty, bitty!
0:18:51 > 0:18:57We went to a wedding in the spring where they had these lovely roasted artichoke hearts.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00A lot of people went for them over the beef Wellington.
0:19:00 > 0:19:05SLURPING > Yes, that...does often happen.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09- Oh! You're biting!- Nothing left!
0:19:09 > 0:19:13- Not surprised, you were a very greedy boy this morning.- Bitty!
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Don't worry, dear, I should have some.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Nanna bitty!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21SLURPING >
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Any ideas on pudding?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28At a supermarket in Slaughter,
0:19:28 > 0:19:32stage hypnotist Kenny Craig has just finished his shopping.
0:19:32 > 0:19:37Supermarkets were introduced into Britain to destroy small businesses
0:19:37 > 0:19:40and create a sense of social alienation.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42LOUD CRUNCH
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Excuse me!
0:19:53 > 0:19:59- Yes?- Are you going to leave your insurance details?- They're in the car.- I saw you do it.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03Look into my eyes, my eyes - not around the eyes. Look into my eyes.
0:20:03 > 0:20:08You're under. You did NOT see me hit that car. 3, 2, 1, you're back.
0:20:08 > 0:20:13- You didn't see who hit that car, did you?- I did. It was him. - No.- I saw you do it!
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Look into my eyes, my eyes - not around the eyes. Look into my eyes.
0:20:16 > 0:20:21- You did NOT see me hit that car. Nor did you. 3, 2, 1...- Hey!
0:20:21 > 0:20:22What's happened to my car?!
0:20:24 > 0:20:28- Look into my eyes! Look into my eyes! - Me?- Not you, him.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30All right.
0:20:30 > 0:20:35Look into my eyes, my eyes - not around the eyes. Look into my eyes.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37You're under!
0:20:37 > 0:20:39I never done it!
0:20:39 > 0:20:43Moan-wheel, in Throttle, a lunch order is being taken.
0:20:43 > 0:20:49- Can I take your order, sir? - Yes, I'll have the wild truffle and Roquefort salad.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53- Very good, sir.- Then the poached scallops with artichoke hearts.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- Will that be all?- Yes.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00- And a bag of Monster Munch. - And to drink?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Um Bongo.
0:21:04 > 0:21:10It's naught o'clock, and at this shop in Phlem, Mr Mann is looking for a book. I read a book once.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13It was called Who On Earth Is Tom Baker?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Hello, I did not know you liked books.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Hello, yes - I like books very much.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26- Are you looking for anything in particular?- Not really.
0:21:26 > 0:21:32I was just wondering if you had any books on mediaeval English music between the dates 1356 - 1390.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Um...I can't see anything here.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Margaret knows all the books. One moment.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Margaret!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Margaret!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Yes?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50There's a gentleman here wants to know
0:21:50 > 0:21:55if we've got any books on mediaeval English music between 1356 - 1390.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Paperback or hardback?
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Paperback or hardback?
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Oh, you know me - I'm easy.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05He says he's easy.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09There should be one. Over by the Mike Gatting autobiography.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Oh, yes. Here we are.
0:22:11 > 0:22:16"The History Of Medieval Music 1356-1390."
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Sorry. I didn't grip in time.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Sorry. I gripped too soon that time. You may have to hold it.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Right.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Well, what do you reckon?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37How many pages does it have?
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Hmm...
0:22:40 > 0:22:41312.
0:22:41 > 0:22:46Oh, I was hoping for something along the 306 mark.
0:22:46 > 0:22:53- Right.- Do you think the author might be interested in re-writing his work to cut it down?
0:22:53 > 0:22:57Maybe if you cut out all the Os, you might lose six pages there.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02I don't think so, no.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Maybe I'm being too specific.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08You are being a little specific, yes.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12OK, have you got any books...?
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- Have I got any books?- Yes.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25- Well, yes, we've got hundreds of them.- I'll take them, please.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Oh, right!
0:23:32 > 0:23:35You, er... You must really like reading.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39Oh, no... Unfortunately, I'm blind.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58It's five to Pamela,
0:23:58 > 0:24:01and at this health spa in Trump, the guests are working hard.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04And turn the page...
0:24:04 > 0:24:07and rest.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13Consequently, here at Hill Grange, there is a need for restructuring.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- Now you know that Jacqueline is leaving us.- Oh, yes.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- So, from Monday... - KNOCK ON DOOR > - Come in.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- Hello, darling. - Oh... Hi, Mrs De Vere.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Call me Bubbles. Everybody does.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I'm in the middle of something.
0:24:29 > 0:24:34Simone, darling, would you leave me and Mr Hutton alone for a moment?
0:24:34 > 0:24:38Thank you, darling. (Not a word of this to anyone.)
0:24:42 > 0:24:45- We're alone. - Have you got the cheque?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48It's all here, darling - all the treatments, the food,
0:24:48 > 0:24:52- bed and board for the last five months.- Great.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- £17,300, darling.- Thank you.
0:24:55 > 0:25:00- But we don't need the cheque, do we, darling?- Yes, we do.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02No, we don't.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Because...
0:25:08 > 0:25:11SHE HUMS STRIPTEASE MUSIC
0:25:16 > 0:25:18< SMASH! Sorry.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24SHE CONTINUES HUMMING THE TUNE
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Be quick, Mr Hutton. I have a colonic at three.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47Lou Todd has bought two ice creams, both for his friend Andy.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Andy?!
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Andy? Where are you?!
0:25:56 > 0:25:57I'm up here.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00How did you get up there?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02I fell.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14LOU DIRECTS THEM
0:26:14 > 0:26:16- Gently down.- Oh, thank you so much.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Thank you. Oh, I was worried sick!
0:26:19 > 0:26:21What a kerfuffle!
0:26:21 > 0:26:26- How did he get up there? - Well, I've absolutely no idea.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30As you can see, he's not the most able-bodied person there is.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33He's confined to a wheelchair, and I push that.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37I'm not sure he has the strength in his arms to get up a tree.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38It's a mystery!
0:26:38 > 0:26:42Something for Arthur C Clarke's Mysterious World.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46Toyah Willcox sang about it in her song It's A Mystery.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51And I think the best thing I can do now is get him home, early bath, early to bed,
0:26:51 > 0:26:55and a good idea is a nice hot warm milky drink,
0:26:55 > 0:26:58like a cup of cocoa or something.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02- OK... We'd better get you home, young man.- Yeah, I know.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Thank you.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08- Ooh! Did they bring the ball down as well?- Yeah.- That was kind of 'em.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15And so, our visit to Little Britain has come to an end.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19I must go now, because a man has come into the room
0:27:19 > 0:27:22and he's trying to pull my clothes off.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25I must just find out what he wants.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Good tie!
0:27:29 > 0:27:31ANDY: Where's my Funny Foot?!