0:00:02 > 0:00:05Britain, Britain, Britain, why would you ever want to leave?
0:00:05 > 0:00:08Anybody who goes on holiday abroad is a traitor.
0:00:08 > 0:00:12I bloody love it here. Bloody love it!
0:00:12 > 0:00:15We produce the best films, the finest cuisine,
0:00:15 > 0:00:18our dogs are relatively rabies free,
0:00:18 > 0:00:22and this is all thanks to the peoples of Britain.
0:00:22 > 0:00:26Let us look at them in this programme in which we look at them.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Boom-boom, shake the room!
0:00:30 > 0:00:36Tenpin bowling is a difficult sport, but it is easier than elevenpin bowling.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40One, two, three...
0:00:41 > 0:00:45Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
0:00:45 > 0:00:47yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Oh!
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Unlucky.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Right, you've got one more go.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58- Maybe that ball was a bit heavy. Do you want another one?- That one.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02- OK, there you go. - MOBILE RINGS
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Oh, excuse me.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Hello. Lou Todd.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Oh, hello, Declan, how are you?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I'm taking him bowling.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17Mmm, a bit of a kafuffle, but he seems to be enjoying it.
0:01:18 > 0:01:23No, I'm winning - it's 75-3. I'll get him to call you back later. Ta-ra!
0:01:23 > 0:01:28- Oh, you've got a strike. - Yeah, I know.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31I didn't even have to help you. Well done.
0:01:32 > 0:01:37Backstage at the Blazin' Squad concert, fans are clammering to meet the band.
0:01:37 > 0:01:42I myself loathe groups like Blazin' Squad. I much prefer So Solid.
0:01:42 > 0:01:47Get out the way. Get out the way. Get out the way. Get out the way.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51Get out the way. Get out the way! Get out the way. Get out the way!
0:01:52 > 0:01:55We're here for Blazin' Squad.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- Can we see your passes? - No, but... Yeah, but... No...
0:01:59 > 0:02:03We did have passes, but Kelly burnt them,
0:02:03 > 0:02:09cos Ruth told her I lit one of her Day-Glo hair scrunchies. Everyone knows her fanny goes sideways.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Yeah, I've seen it - it's like this.
0:02:13 > 0:02:18- No-one's coming in without a pass. - Mingers to the back of the queue!
0:02:18 > 0:02:22- Shut up! ..No, but I'm on the list. - What's your name?
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Um...
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Oh! Sony Records.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27I don't think so.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31My God! I can't believe you said that. I so AM on the list.
0:02:31 > 0:02:36This guy from Sony saw me dancing to Mystique, and I met Cat Deeley and she's got a hairy face.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40This guy from Sony said he wanted to turn me into the next Beyonce,
0:02:40 > 0:02:45then I forgot because I was watching Kerry getting bumped by that bloke from Cash Converters.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- You ain't on the list.- Shut up! ..I so am.
0:02:50 > 0:02:55- I ain't letting you in. - No, but if you don't let me in, Blazin' Squad'll give you beatings.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59I've met them already actually at the Radio 1 Roadshow.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Remember? It was the time I got fingered by Chris Moyles and Haley took a dump in the sea.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07I have met Blazin' Squad and they said I should come.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10I'm their sister. If Rowan says I'm not, don't listen.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14He's mental - he once shoved his nob through Miss Maynard's letterbox.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- You're such a liar!- Shut up.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Look, I won't tell you again -
0:03:20 > 0:03:22you're not coming in.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28All right, lads,
0:03:28 > 0:03:30one at a time.
0:03:32 > 0:03:37The game of tennis was invented in 1982 by Dr Jonathan Tennis
0:03:37 > 0:03:43when he had the idea of fusing the popular sports of badminton and swingball.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47- Mixed doubles.- Yeah.- Those two last week were gorgeous.
0:03:47 > 0:03:52- I hope these two are.- Did you get their names?- They're on the board - Emily and Florence.- Oh!
0:03:53 > 0:03:57- Anyone for tennis?- Good afternoon. We're here for the mixed doubles.
0:03:57 > 0:04:03- We were expecting two ladies. - Oh, sorry.- No, no, no. That is us, two ladies.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Right.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Just do as I do. I'm quite sure they don't suspect a thing.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- Ready, gentlemen. - Have you got any balls?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Oh, no, we're ladies.
0:04:16 > 0:04:21- Tennis balls.- Oh! Sorry, silly me. I thought you meant bollocks.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24You're with me.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28All right?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Ready?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Oh! Oh!
0:04:37 > 0:04:41Being a lady, I'm quite exhausted, aren't you, Florence?
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Oh, yes, absolutely knackered. Time for barley water, I think.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Yes, please, Florence.
0:04:52 > 0:04:59- Are you enjoying the game, Florence? - Oh, yes, Emily, it's positively nail-biting, isn't it? Chin-chin.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03- Are you going to be long?- Right with you. We're going to have scones.
0:05:08 > 0:05:14- I've had better games(!)- Yeah, and those two have to be the strangest looking women I've ever seen.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Do you mind?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Oh!
0:05:21 > 0:05:28It is almost Terry o'clock, and at this psychiatrist's office, the session is coming to an end.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31I felt alone.
0:05:32 > 0:05:37And that's when we started having a sexual relationship.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41- And this is with Colin, your brother-in-law?- Yes.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44And what did you feel?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Um, guilt.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48- Shame?- Yes.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51BEEPING
0:05:51 > 0:05:56OK, we'll have to leave it there, but we'll talk more next week.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Thank you.
0:06:11 > 0:06:18'Allo, it's me! You'll never guess, she's only having it off with his brother! I know! Dirty cow!
0:06:18 > 0:06:24If a policeman stops a fat person and discovers chocolate, he is permitted to shoot them,
0:06:24 > 0:06:28hence diet classes like this one are very popular.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Right, well, this week, Pat has lost four pounds.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- APPLAUSE - Pigs CAN fly!
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- I told you I'd lose a stone by Christmas.- Next Christmas, maybe.
0:06:38 > 0:06:44- Won't have to come here much longer. - Won't have to put up with Marjorie any more.- We'll see.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46OK, before we go any further,
0:06:46 > 0:06:54I've got to tell you Fat Fighters has brought out a brand new range of new low-calorie puddings.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57They are new, and they are called Fatty Treats.
0:06:57 > 0:07:02Seen the adverts? # Fatty treats Treats for the fatties! # Boink!
0:07:02 > 0:07:06Anyway, what I've got is I've got normal eclairs
0:07:06 > 0:07:14and I've got brand new Fat Fighters Fatty Treats eclairs. I want to see if we can tell the difference.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Can we have, please, a volunteer?
0:07:17 > 0:07:21Sorry, Meera, I was just thinking of the English people.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- Pat, come and join me. - It's all right, Marjorie.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Come on, you're the star slimmer.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30(Wobble-wobble.)
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Right, I'm going to put this blindfold on you,
0:07:34 > 0:07:38- so no peeping. - Oh, it's quite tight, Marjorie.
0:07:38 > 0:07:44It's got to be - you fat people are devious. You ARE liars, but I mean it nicely.
0:07:44 > 0:07:51OK, I've got two eclairs here. I want you to see if you can guess which is the low calorie one. Ready?
0:07:51 > 0:07:55- I'm not eating puddings at the moment.- Here we go.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Mmm.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00That is nice, though. Very creamy.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03OK, now try this one.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08- Mmm.- Yeah?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- Now, can you taste the difference? - No.
0:08:14 > 0:08:20No, you can't. Let me tell you, the second eclair you had was the low calorie one.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24Eh? Why don't you have another? Hmm?
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Go on!
0:08:25 > 0:08:27There you go.
0:08:27 > 0:08:32Why don't you have a second one? Go on, get 'em in your fat gob.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34They're low calorie - she won't put on an ounce.
0:08:34 > 0:08:39Oh, no, I've just made a mistake. Those are the full fat ones.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42400 calories per eclair - she's going to explode.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Spit it out! Quickly!
0:08:44 > 0:08:48All of it! Quickly! All of it! Quickly! All of it!
0:08:48 > 0:08:52All of it! Quickly! Shame on you, Pat, shame on you!
0:08:52 > 0:08:54You've let everyone down.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58Right, well, better put a couple of them pounds back on.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00See you next week.
0:09:00 > 0:09:05Hang on a minute, Pat, you've just got a bit of cream in your hair.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09There you go.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Off you pop.
0:09:13 > 0:09:19OK, lovely. Now, I want to talk to you all about dust.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21BARKING
0:09:21 > 0:09:27There are many dogs in Britain. The biggest, the blue setter, is as tall as the Houses of Parliament.
0:09:27 > 0:09:32The smallest, the boodle, is invisible to the naked eye.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38- Hello, men.- Hello, Mrs B, we're just having a cuppa.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42- I thought I'd bring you some biscuits.- Thanks very much.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44There you go. Fetch!
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Fetch!
0:09:46 > 0:09:50There's a good boy. There's a good boy. Fetch!
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Good boy, good boy!
0:09:53 > 0:09:59Good boy, good boy. There's one, there's one. Where's the other one? Where's the other one?
0:09:59 > 0:10:03Good boy! Who's a good boy?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05One for you.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Beg, beg!
0:10:08 > 0:10:11There's a good boy.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13There's a good boy.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19It is a quarter to Gran and Grandpa Moses
0:10:19 > 0:10:24and Viv Tudor has been requested to attend an identity parade.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Phew!
0:10:29 > 0:10:35- OK, take your time.- Yeah.- All right? - Yeah.- Let me know if you recognise anyone.- Recognise anyone at all.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37- OK?- Yeah.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39All right.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46No, I don't know him.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51No. No, no.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Oh, he's gorgeous! What a hunk! Look at that scar!
0:10:59 > 0:11:02There's a wrong 'un, and no mistake!
0:11:02 > 0:11:06- Phwoar!- Do you recognise him? - No, no.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12No.
0:11:14 > 0:11:21Oh, he's gorgeous! A dreamboat! Puts me in mind of a young Omar Sharif! He can rob my bank any day!
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Phwoar!
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- Was he involved in the robbery? - No, no. Shame, but no.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Oh, he's gorgeous!
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Phwoar! He can point his weapon at me any time he likes! Phwoar!
0:11:38 > 0:11:43- Yeah, but was he there?- Oh, yeah, he was the one with the gun.- Thanks.
0:11:43 > 0:11:49- You're not going to arrest him? - Yes. You can't! Anyway, you'll never get a conviction.- Why not?
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Because he's gorgeous!
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Ooh, proper gorge!
0:11:56 > 0:12:00The Prime Minister is preparing for an important TV interview.
0:12:00 > 0:12:05I never watch TV myself apart from Emmerdale, Corrie and EastEnders. Oh, and Hollyoaks.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Pss! Pss! Pss! Pss! Pss!
0:12:09 > 0:12:17- So what are you going to ask him? - I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise.- Let me have a look.- No!
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Sebastian, thank you. I can handle Gavin by myself.
0:12:21 > 0:12:26- Ten seconds.- Promise me you won't mention anything about the airlines. - Get off the set!
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Three.
0:12:30 > 0:12:37Good evening. The airline scandal that has engulfed the government now threatens to topple the PM.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38You bitch!
0:12:38 > 0:12:44He's here with me live in the studio. Prime Minister, welcome.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45Good evening.
0:12:45 > 0:12:52Can you explain how on Wednesday we hear the government has granted exclusive routes to Embassy Airlines,
0:12:52 > 0:12:59then yesterday it emerges that the chairman of Embassy has donated over £1 million to your party?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Come on, Michael.
0:13:01 > 0:13:06The two events are unrelated. Sir Brian gave that money as a private individual.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Go, Michael! Go, Michael! Go, Michael! Go, Michael!
0:13:10 > 0:13:14- I do think there are a lot of unanswered questions.- Go ahead.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- Go ahead, dear!- Shh!- Shh!
0:13:17 > 0:13:24Would Embassy Airlines have been granted exclusive use of those routes if that donation had not been made?
0:13:24 > 0:13:29- Oh, give it a rest!- I've already answered this question in the House.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31We can see that footage right now.
0:13:31 > 0:13:36- Oh, here we go!- VT for one minute. - Would someone get that man out of the studio?
0:13:36 > 0:13:44Don't worry, I'm going. I only came because I thought it'd be Paxman. He's much better looking than you!
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Paxman's not better looking than me, is he?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50No, you're lovely.
0:13:53 > 0:13:58And that was about the same time I started seeing...
0:13:58 > 0:14:00prostitutes.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Do you think that paying for sex has become an addiction?
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Yes.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11I do feel it's out of my control now.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13It's become a compulsion?
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Definitely.
0:14:17 > 0:14:22OK, we've actually gone over a little, but we'll pick up on this next time.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25OK.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Thanks.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41You were right - prossies!
0:14:41 > 0:14:46You have to laugh, don't you? I know! Dirty bastard!
0:14:56 > 0:14:58It's early morning...
0:15:03 > 0:15:10..and in the outskirts of Slaughter, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig has spent the night with his girlfriend.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Left over right, then under!
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Are you not staying for breakfast?
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I would, but mother's bought some croissants,
0:15:18 > 0:15:24- so I should be heading back. - You did enjoy last night? - Yes, the lovemaking was top notch.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Funny, I can't remember that part.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32I can't find any underwear. It keeps going missing. You haven't seen any of it?
0:15:33 > 0:15:38Look into my eyes! Not around the eyes! Look in my eyes! You're under.
0:15:38 > 0:15:44I have not been taking your underwear home and parading up and down going, "Ooh!
0:15:44 > 0:15:47"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!"
0:15:47 > 0:15:53- Three, two, one, you're back in the room.- I can't find that red dress - the silk one with the embroidery,
0:15:53 > 0:15:57the one I wore when we went to see We Will Rock You.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01Look into my eyes! Not around the eyes! Look into my eyes!
0:16:01 > 0:16:06You're under. I did not steal your dress, then wear it while hoovering.
0:16:06 > 0:16:11- You're back in the room. - I can't find those stilettos.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14I bought you those - if I want to wear them, I'll wear them!
0:16:22 > 0:16:28- Can I take your order, sir?- Yes, I'll have the beef carpaccio to start,
0:16:28 > 0:16:31and then the brazed lamb shank.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- Any vegetables?- Du jour. - Very good, sir.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36And a Yorkie.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Buttered.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44This is a drug rehab centre in Glasga'.
0:16:44 > 0:16:50I tried heroin once, but it didn't have any effect. Mind you, I was high on coke at the time.
0:16:50 > 0:16:55- Give me 20 words for heroin. Go. - H.- Good.- Brown.- Good.- Smack.- Good.
0:16:55 > 0:17:00- Dragon.- Good. OK, that's 20. Why are you here? Because you're junkies!
0:17:00 > 0:17:06You're addicts! You're scum! Get out, all of you! Out of my sight! Stay where you are.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08This is the road back.
0:17:08 > 0:17:14- Excuse me?- Exactly. Who am I to be telling you about getting off drugs?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16I've been there, OK! I've done it.
0:17:16 > 0:17:21I've read the book, seen the film, bought the t-shirt and got sick all down it.
0:17:21 > 0:17:28I know what it's like to have woken up so late because of drugs that I've missed Trisha and This Morning.
0:17:28 > 0:17:35I'm sorry, but I think I'm in the wrong room. I'm actually looking for the cake decorating class.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39You know what this is? This is the worst kind of junkie.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42"I'm actually looking for the cake decorating class."
0:17:42 > 0:17:48Maybe you are. Hundreds and thousands, desiccated coconut, and a sprinkling of cocaine!
0:17:48 > 0:17:52No more lies, no more excuses! You're an addict! You're scum!
0:17:52 > 0:17:59You're Laurel And Hardy the cartoon, Soda Stream cola, you're Grease 2. Go to your "cake decorating class".
0:17:59 > 0:18:04Get out that door and don't come back! Stay where you are.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07We're gonna help ye.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11The most important word you need to learn is "no".
0:18:11 > 0:18:15Spud, will you come and do a role play with me?
0:18:15 > 0:18:19- Spud! Spuddy! You all right with this?- Yeah.- Yeah?
0:18:19 > 0:18:26OK, so I'm the junkie, you're the dealer - ask me if I want to buy any of the drugs.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- Do you want to buy any drugs?- No.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30It's as simple as that.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34I appreciate you doing that for me, yeah? Eh?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Eh, big man? OK.
0:18:38 > 0:18:43I don't want to be rude, but I am here for the cake decoration.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47- It's just down the corridor. - Next room along.- Thank you.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51Of course! They do cake decoration here on a Monday.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Sorry, it used to be Wednesdays. Let me help you.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58- Thank you.- Who wants to be sat out with all these junkies?
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Do you think I'm stupid? Get back to your seat.
0:19:01 > 0:19:07You're a junkie! You're a loser! You're a leech! You're a Carrot Confidential,
0:19:07 > 0:19:12you're Stephen Gately's solo career, you're Carol Thatcher! Sit down!
0:19:12 > 0:19:14You're going to be fine.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17OK, 50 words for cocaine. Go.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19- Coke.- OK, that's 50.
0:19:20 > 0:19:26At this park in Bent, Dr Lawrence has bought Dr Beagley along to observe one of his patients.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Eh! Eh! Eh!
0:19:30 > 0:19:34- I don't know if you know, but Anne's a keen artist.- Eh! Eh! Eh!
0:19:34 > 0:19:41- She's getting better all the time. She likes to draw the trees and the flowers.- Eh! Eh! Eh!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Eh! Eh! Eh!
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Aw!
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Oh, she's left her sketchbook behind.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Makes me very proud.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06In his office in Troot,
0:20:06 > 0:20:08theatrical agent Jeremy Rent
0:20:08 > 0:20:11is having a very important meeting with Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16So, Andrew, was it your idea to write Bergerac - The Musical?
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Yes. Mine and Ben Elton's.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21It was something he always wanted to do
0:20:21 > 0:20:25and it's going to be even bigger than the one I did about cats...
0:20:25 > 0:20:26- Cats. - BUZZER
0:20:26 > 0:20:29'Dennis Waterman here to see you.'
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Lovely. Send him in.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35It would be wonderful if we could get Dennis to play the part of Jim Bergerac.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Hello! I got you a doughnut.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Oh. Thank you very much.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Thank you.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Who is that man?
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Ah, well, this is Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.
0:20:55 > 0:21:00Oh, yes. The brother of Julian Lloyd Webber, the famous cellist.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01Hello.
0:21:04 > 0:21:09I've done Bergerac - The Musical and I'd love YOU to play the title role.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Doesn't Bergerac play Bergerac?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14No, he's committed to Midsomer Murders.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18He's committed murders? That is wrong and bad!
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Anyway, I'd be thrilled if you would consider it.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26- This is the set for act 1 - Charlie Hungerford's house.- Ooh...
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Let's have a look.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Put me down.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43It's an exact replica of the one in the programme.
0:21:43 > 0:21:48This is great! You certainly wouldn't want it any bigger!
0:21:48 > 0:21:50So you want me to star in it,
0:21:50 > 0:21:53write the theme tune, sing the theme tune...
0:21:53 > 0:21:55No, no. I've written all the songs.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Unless...
0:21:59 > 0:22:02# I'm a policeman living in Jersey
0:22:02 > 0:22:04# Do-do-do-do-do
0:22:04 > 0:22:08# I have a complicated relationship with my ex-wife
0:22:08 > 0:22:09# Do-do-do-do-do
0:22:09 > 0:22:11# I drive an old red car
0:22:11 > 0:22:14# My boss has lost his hair I'd be so good for
0:22:14 > 0:22:17# Bergerac - The Musical! #
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Well, it's been wonderful to meet the...
0:22:20 > 0:22:22both of you.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26- I do have one or two other people to see.- Yes...
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Whoaaa!
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Careful!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Sorry.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39All right, Dennis, safe now.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47To remain competitive, banks now offer a wide range of services
0:22:47 > 0:22:50including loans, insurance and, for a small fee,
0:22:50 > 0:22:52they'll make love to your wife.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Yeah, that's Perry Keenan's side. I'll call him back.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Hey! Not interrupting anything, am I?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Oh, I heard you went to Prague. Did you have a nice time?
0:23:12 > 0:23:17- Right. Well, you know it's my leaving do on Thursday.- Oh, yeah.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21And we're all going to go bowling and then to Bella Pasta.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- Lovely.- We wondered if you fancied coming. We need to book a table.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Computer says will Melanie be there?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Yeah, she's coming.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Computer says no.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Right. Well, if you change your mind...
0:23:47 > 0:23:49I love you.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Like many people in Britain, every other Wednesday I go gaying.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Daffyd Thomas is a full-time gay
0:23:58 > 0:24:01and is on his way to his local pub for a celebration.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Hello, Daffyd. Fancy a bun?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Homophobe!
0:24:09 > 0:24:12You've made me the happiest girl in the world.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14I love you, Myfanwy.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16And I love you too, Llianna.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Ahem.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Oh, Daffyd, you made it! We didn't think you were coming.
0:24:30 > 0:24:35- Sorry I'm late. I couldn't come to the church service.- Why not?
0:24:35 > 0:24:37I'm a gay. I wouldn't be welcome.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41I'm gay and I was performing a gay marriage. You'd have been welcome.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45If you met a nice young man, maybe the vicar would marry you.
0:24:45 > 0:24:50No, thank you. If I get married, it'll be to a woman and to a life of misery and repression.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Please yourself, dear.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Anyway, come and meet my friends.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58- Everyone, this is Daffyd.- Hello.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Yes, Daffyd Thomas, the only gay in the village...
0:25:02 > 0:25:07- Actually, Daffyd, we were hoping to have a little word with you.- Yes.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11We're applying for adoption. We wondered if you'd be our referee.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16Urrrrgh! But you're two great minge-munchers!
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Yes.
0:25:18 > 0:25:23- You can't bring up kids! It's not right!- I'm sorry you feel that way.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27Gay marriage, adoption... What's wrong with just sitting at home
0:25:27 > 0:25:31in front of the TV getting moist every time Sandy Toksvig comes on?
0:25:31 > 0:25:34We've moved on a bit since then.
0:25:34 > 0:25:39What do lesbians do exactly? I don't get it!
0:25:39 > 0:25:43- We do all sorts of things.- Sorry, I was talking to the lesbians.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45I AM a lesbian.
0:25:45 > 0:25:50- What?! You're far too good-looking! - What are you talking about?
0:25:50 > 0:25:53I thought it was the ones who couldn't get boyfriends!
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Piss off, you stupid little poof.
0:25:56 > 0:26:01Whoa! How dare you! I will not tolerate homophobia in this village!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Good day.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Dirty fat lezzas.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11In Herby,
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Andy is enjoying his annual bath.
0:26:14 > 0:26:19I've planned a route to Chessington. It's just straight down the A217.
0:26:19 > 0:26:24So, if we get our skates on, we'll be on the log flume by lunch!
0:26:24 > 0:26:28- I don't wanna go.- You've been going on about it for weeks!
0:26:28 > 0:26:32Chessington World Of Adventure this, Chessington World Of Adventure that.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36- Yeah, I know. - Where do you want to go instead?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39- France.- France?- Yeah.
0:26:39 > 0:26:44I thought you hated France. You said the French could never be forgiven
0:26:44 > 0:26:48for surrendering to the German war-machine
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- and collaborating with their occupiers.- Yeah, I know.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- Chessington it is, then. - I wanna go France.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Christ...
0:27:02 > 0:27:05I wanna go Chessington.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15And so we end our trip round Little Britain.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19If you have enjoyed this evening's programme,
0:27:19 > 0:27:23you might like to travel back in time and watch it again.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Good day.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Subtitles by BBC Broadcast - 2004
0:27:29 > 0:27:32E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk