0:00:02 > 0:00:03Britain, Britain, Britain.
0:00:03 > 0:00:09Man, it's easily the best Goddarn cotton-picking country in the world, yee-hah!
0:00:09 > 0:00:11I went to France, I found it far too French.
0:00:11 > 0:00:15Spain was full of Spaniards and Poland stank of farts,
0:00:15 > 0:00:19but what makes Britain so moist and fragrant?
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Why, it be the people.
0:00:21 > 0:00:27Let's visit them now, pack it up, pack it in, let me begin.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:30 > 0:00:36After a morning spent watching some traffic lights, Lou and Andy are returning home.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Oh, hello, how are you, all right, yeah? You keeping well?
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Yeah, I am, thank you, yeah.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43All right, I'll see you later.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49- Hi.- Welcome back.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Which one's Richard and which one's Judy?
0:00:51 > 0:00:54I can't believe it, I've got through!
0:00:54 > 0:00:58- Yes, I'll hold. Oh, my God, it's £1,000 a question!- Let me do it.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00- I'm not sure...- I wanna do it.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04- And who's on the line?- I am. - Sorry, who's there?- Andy Pipkin.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Hi, Andy. You know the rules, don't you?
0:01:06 > 0:01:11- It's very, very easy. We show you something and you just have to describe it to us.- Yeah, I know.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15- And for every one you get right, we give you £1,000.- Yeah, I know.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Fine, OK then. Well, start the clock.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Let's go, one minute.
0:01:20 > 0:01:26- Carrot.- No, Andy, you have to describe it, you mustn't say what the thing actually is.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Yeah, I know.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31OK, let's carry on.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Michael Parkinson.
0:01:34 > 0:01:40That is Michael. You don't have to tell us who the person is, you just give us a clue and we guess.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- Yeah, I know. - All right, let's carry on.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Mobile phone.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Jesus...
0:01:48 > 0:01:50All right, look. We're running out of time.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54- Let's just try one more quickly, Andy. Just describe it, OK?- Er...
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Come on, Andy, think, £1,000.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58Pint of milk!
0:01:58 > 0:02:02- BUZZER - Oh, we're out of time, we're out of time.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Oh, I'm really sorry, mate.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08You're the first person never to win anything.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Oh, dear. We'll be back after the break.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Oh, Andy, why didn't you let me do it?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Car!
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- No, Andy, these are just adverts. - Yeah, I know.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Laboratoire Garnier!
0:02:26 > 0:02:29The British postal service is the best in the world.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33Put a first class stamp on your letter and it's guaranteed
0:02:33 > 0:02:36to possibly arrive at some point somewhere, if you're lucky.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Mrs Emery?
0:02:38 > 0:02:42Oh, hello, dear. How was the operation?
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Oh, very good, very good. They had me out in no time.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49- Oh, that's good cos the hip's a big one, innit?- It was a double hip.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Double hip. Well, you look very well on it. Where'd you have it done?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Erm...
0:02:58 > 0:03:00- Queen Mary?- Yes.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Very good there, very good doctors. Who'd you have?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Doctor, erm...
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- Caridis?- Erm, yes.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12- Yeah, he did Sheila. You know Sheila Feer from the chemist?- Yes...
0:03:12 > 0:03:16She went in on a Tuesday and she was up and about by the weekend.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- <- Cashier number one. - It's your turn.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20I'll get that for you, you save your hips.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Lovely to talk to you. I'll see you later, dear.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33One second class stamp, please.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42In Darkly Loon, ASBO enthusiast Vicky Pollard
0:03:42 > 0:03:46has left half her kids at home as she begins her first day at work.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Right, wait there.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51I'll just be a few hours.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Don't go giving me baby evils.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00It's £3.80 an hour, easy work.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02All you got to do is talk dirty to 'em.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Oh, my God, I can so do that, cos I'm, like, well a slag.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07This is where you sit.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Your name is Sapphire.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12You are six foot tall, top model from Paris.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Bog's over there.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17PHONE RINGS
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Answer the phone!
0:04:26 > 0:04:30All right! God!
0:04:31 > 0:04:35- Hello... - 'Hello, is that Sapphire then?'
0:04:35 > 0:04:39No but, yeah but, no but, yeah, this is Spitfire,
0:04:39 > 0:04:43and I'm wearing, like, really sexy knickers that I got from George at Asda.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45What are you doing?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47I'm thinking about having a bag of crisps.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50You're not doing anything sexy, then?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Oh, no but, yeah but, no but, yeah but I am,
0:04:53 > 0:04:56because I'm actually here with three girlfriends,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59who are all, like, top models cos they all do, like, modelling
0:04:59 > 0:05:01for the Freeman's catalogue and that.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03What are their names?
0:05:03 > 0:05:10Oh, summink really exotic, like Fererro, Rocher, and er...Twix.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12What are you all doing?
0:05:12 > 0:05:17Well, Fererro is smearing Chambourcy Hippopotamousse all over Rocher.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19What's Twix doing?
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Picking her feet and watching June Sarpong on T4.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Picking her feet? This is costing me £1 a minute!
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Can you try and be a bit sexier, please?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Oh, my God, I so can't believe you just said that!
0:05:31 > 0:05:35I'm the cotton J-Lo, and if Rochelle Atkins says I'm lying, don't listen to her
0:05:35 > 0:05:37because her brother ate a goldfish for 50p.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40I'm, like, well fit, because one time we was all in media studies
0:05:40 > 0:05:43and I was wearing this really short skirt and Mr Jarman,
0:05:43 > 0:05:48who everyone knows is a complete pervert, spent the whole lesson staring at my Muller Fruit Corner.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- Vicky?- Yeah, who's this?
0:05:51 > 0:05:52It's Uncle Pete.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Uncle Pete? Oh, my God, why are you ringing these phone lines?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58That is well out of order! Put the phone down.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00You won't tell Auntie Kath, will you?
0:06:00 > 0:06:03No, I'm gonna call you back, this is, like, well costing you a lot.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- PHONE RINGS - Hello.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16So the thing is, we're all covered in Chambourcy Hippopotamousse
0:06:16 > 0:06:18and we're all, like, well licking it off each other
0:06:18 > 0:06:20and I'm totally lezzing everyone up...
0:06:20 > 0:06:23All done? OK, Uncle Pete, I'll see you Sunday. Bye!
0:06:27 > 0:06:30It's five past Ming The Merciless, and in Bruise,
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Dudley and Ting Tong have spent their first night together.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37SHE BLOWS GENTLY
0:06:37 > 0:06:41SHE BLOWS VIOLENTLY
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Are you awake, Mr Dudwy?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Yes, I am, yes.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Did you have good time last night?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Yes, it was very pleasant.
0:06:51 > 0:06:56Did you enjoy all these thing Ting Tong do for you?
0:06:56 > 0:06:57Yes, I did.
0:06:57 > 0:07:02I found it all to be a wonderful release, thank you, Ting Tong.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06Would you like do it again?
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Erm...
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Yes, that would be most welcome, yes.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15I'll just take little tinkle, then I'll return.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Don't be long, cupcake.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Missing you alweady, Mr Dudwy.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Oh, the flush isn't working.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Ting Tong!
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Ting Tong, the flush isn't...
0:07:36 > 0:07:42- No!- Mr Dudwy, I can explain. - No, no, no!
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- You've got the...- I'm sorry, Mr Dudwy, I was going to tell you.- When?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47After wedding.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49There isn't gonna be a wedding.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51What are you, anyway?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53A ladyboy.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55A what?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Yes, Mr Dudwy, it time you knew.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00My real name not Ting Tong.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03My real name Tong Ting.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Now get out of my flat, you lady-gay-boy!
0:08:07 > 0:08:13I'm sorry, Mr Dudwy, I beg of you, please don't make me leave! Oh, Mr Dudwy!
0:08:15 > 0:08:20Maybe you could stay just one more night.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26At Hill Grange health spa, ex-international show-jumper Desiree
0:08:26 > 0:08:31and her husband Reuben are making the most of their honeymoon.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36I'm feeling very frisky today, my love.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Are you, bubby?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Like a man three-quarters of my age.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Well, let's go into the steamy room
0:08:43 > 0:08:46and have a little bit of "how's your farthing!"
0:08:46 > 0:08:48GIGGLING
0:08:48 > 0:08:49Ooh! Ooh!
0:08:54 > 0:08:57I can show you a thing or two.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01And I have one or two things to show you.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04Oh, Reuben!
0:09:04 > 0:09:08- I love you so much. - I love you too, bubby.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- Just the two of us.- Alone at last.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Hello, darling.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Oh, Bubbles!
0:09:16 > 0:09:19I trust you are enjoying your honeymoon.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21It is so fatiguing to me.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25You know, Bubbles, we're trying to have a little bit of private time.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Oh, don't worry, I'm so over you, you wouldn't believe it.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Good, because you're never gonna get him back, baby.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Well, that's fine by me!
0:09:33 > 0:09:36I don't want him back after you've had your dirty paws all over him.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- How dare you compare me to a bear? - You harlot.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40You're a strumpet!
0:09:40 > 0:09:45THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Please, ladies, stop!
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Oh, my love,
0:09:50 > 0:09:52you appear to be missing something.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56- What, my necklace?- No.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58My earrings, she take my earrings?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00No, it's your, erm...
0:10:00 > 0:10:03My wig, she's taken my wig!
0:10:03 > 0:10:04I didn't even know I wore a wig.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Don't be ridiculous, darling, I don't have your wig!
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Don't just stand there, baby, help me look for it!
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Yeah, of course, my sweet.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Oh, it's like the Black Hole of Calcutta.
0:10:15 > 0:10:20How dare you make personal remarks about my A-hole?!
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Right, ladies, now that is enough.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26I'll leave you to it.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Come on, it must be somewhere.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Yes, help me.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Miss Bubbles, will you be needing a bikini wax later?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39No thank you, Gita darling, I'm letting it grow.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45Champagne, champagne for everyone!
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Meanwhile, in the new town of Dane Bowersville,
0:10:52 > 0:10:56university lecturer Linda Flint is busy marking.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58This pen is excellent.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00KNOCKING
0:11:00 > 0:11:02One moment!
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Just put the top back on. ..Come in!
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Hi, Linda.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Hello, Nina, take a seat.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12What can I help you with today?
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Well, I'm not really enjoying the contemporary women's poetry course.
0:11:16 > 0:11:21Could I change to constructions of sexual identity in the works of Emily Bronte?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- Sounds a bit heavy, but if you're sure.- Yeah.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27I'll just check with Martin it's not too late.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33Martin, it's Linda.
0:11:33 > 0:11:38Got a student here, wants to know if she can change courses.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39It's Nina.
0:11:39 > 0:11:44You know Nina, long flowing skirts, lovely dangly earrings...
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Looks like she's been slurping a cappuccino.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51You'd get a stubble rash if you kissed her. Never heard of Immac.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54That's right, Magnum PI.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- He says that's fine.- Thanks. - No problem.
0:11:58 > 0:12:04Yes, Harriet saw her at the swimming baths, said it was like Chewbacca in a bikini.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Could you shut the door on the way out?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Why are people fat?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Because God hates them, so they attend diet classes like this.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Hello, Fat Fighters!
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Come here, you. Mmm...
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Later. Sorry we're late.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29So, I bet you're all wondering who this new face is.
0:12:29 > 0:12:34Well, this sexy MF is Derek, and he's my boyfriend.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Yeah, we just met a couple of days ago. Hello, everybody.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- ALL:- Hello. - It feels longer, though.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Feels like I've known you my whole life.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43(Yeah.)
0:12:43 > 0:12:45We met at the gym, he's a personal trainer.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48She was in the sauna, not doing any exercise.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52I don't just go in the sauna, Derek, I use the sun bed as well.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Anyway, I'm getting plenty of exercise now!
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Ooh, it's a beast!
0:12:57 > 0:12:58Now, what we're gonna do today,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01we're gonna do something a bit different, shake it up a bit.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Derek's gonna get us all up exercising
0:13:03 > 0:13:07and we're gonna see if we can't shift a few of them extra stone, hey, Pat?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- That's the one I was telling you about, the walrus.- Is she...?
0:13:10 > 0:13:14- No, that's the one who stinks, the old one. ..Hi, Tania!- Hello.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17And I should warn you that one over there is Meera,
0:13:17 > 0:13:19she is of the Asian persuasion.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- Hello, Meera.- Hello, Derek.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Not a word. ..Derek.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29OK, gang, let's get up on our feet...
0:13:29 > 0:13:32and we'll just start with some stretches.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36You stretched me. Girls, once you've had black, you ain't going back!
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Great.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41So I want you to all get into pairs...
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Oh, I haven't got anyone.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46That's all right, love. You can come with me.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50So I want one of you to put your hand on your partner's shoulder to balance,
0:13:50 > 0:13:53lift your leg up behind you and stretch it.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57- Ooh, you got lucky there, Tania! - Yeah, I know, and he's all muscle.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Are you flirting again, Derek?
0:13:59 > 0:14:04I'm just being friendly, Marge. OK, deep breaths, everybody.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Breathe from the diaphragm, which is here.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Actually, I wish I were 20 years younger.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14You're actually very lucky because I'm not the jealous type,
0:14:14 > 0:14:17but if you touch that shitting slag again, it's over.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19I was only joking, Marjorie.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21And you can shut up and all, you fat old ugly Lolita.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26I'm not sure me being here's a good idea. I'll call you later.
0:14:26 > 0:14:32Don't bother, you Christopher Casanova. You had me and you lost me.
0:14:32 > 0:14:39And don't think I'm gonna come running after you because we are through, and that's right, screw you!
0:14:44 > 0:14:49Just gotta get... something out the car.
0:14:54 > 0:15:00WAILING: Don't go. I made a terrible mistake, I'm sorry. Please don't leave!
0:15:00 > 0:15:03I'm not interested! You're fucking nuts!
0:15:03 > 0:15:04NO!
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Anybody got any chocolate?
0:15:23 > 0:15:28Old people in Britain are abandoned in homes like this.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Hello, Mrs Carpenter, and how are we today?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35All right.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Let's just get you up out of this chair.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42There we are, OK?
0:15:48 > 0:15:49That's better.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57This is the local pub of out gay man Dafydd Thomas.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59I thought I might be gay for a while,
0:15:59 > 0:16:02until I met my lovely wife, Gerald.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06Hello, Myfanwy, we'd like two Bacardi and Cokes, please.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Oh, coming right up.
0:16:08 > 0:16:13- Who's this? - This, everybody, is my girlfriend.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Your girlfriend?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19That's right, Myfanwy, my girlfriend.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27But...you are a gay.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29I know, the only gay in the village,
0:16:29 > 0:16:31but the people round here are so anti-gayist,
0:16:31 > 0:16:34I've been forced to take myself a girlfriend.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36I hope you're happy now.
0:16:36 > 0:16:41So, you won't be having any bum fun at all, then?
0:16:41 > 0:16:46No, Myfanwy, I'm going to be living a lie, tortured by my repressed sexuality.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49My every waking moment is going to be a misery,
0:16:49 > 0:16:53for I will never be able to tell her my shameful secret,
0:16:53 > 0:16:59that I am gay, gay, gay, homosexual, gay.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Well, I think she might know by now.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Oh, no, she doesn't speak a word of English.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Well, what's her name?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08No idea, I don't speak Spanish.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Well, does she speak Welsh?
0:17:10 > 0:17:15I don't think so. She looked very bored during tonight's episode of Pobol Y Cym.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Oh, look at her, poor thing.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Mmm, I think she was on a rambling tour and got lost.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23- SHOUTING:- Are you all right, love?
0:17:23 > 0:17:29Yo estabo con mi grupo de amigos, fuimos a la montana empece a tomar fotos.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34Cuando volve, mis amigos no estaban alli. Y estoy colgada aqui.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Huh, women!
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- Right, come along, dear. - See you later, Dafydd.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43Goodbye, Myfanwy. Well, I hope you people are satisfied.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46My bottom, for now, remains sealed.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54This shop sells paintings.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57I myself am a great collector of art,
0:17:57 > 0:18:00and have an original at home by Van Gogh.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Sally Van Gogh.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- Hello.- Hello.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12I did not see you there, have you been here long?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15No, not long, just about a week or so.
0:18:15 > 0:18:20- Right, can I help you?- I was wondering if you could help me.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23I'm looking to buy a painting of a disappointed horse.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- A disappointed horse?- Yes.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Well, I'm not sure...
0:18:35 > 0:18:36How about this one?
0:18:36 > 0:18:40That horse looks more perturbed than disappointed.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Right... This one?
0:18:45 > 0:18:49The horse looks disappointed, but not because it received bad news.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51It looks more like it was disappointed
0:18:51 > 0:18:56cos it had high expectations in life that have remained unfulfilled.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Now you say it, mmm.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01How about this one?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04I can see the disappointment, I can see the frustration,
0:19:04 > 0:19:06but I can also sense a flicker of hope
0:19:06 > 0:19:08that things may get better for this horse,
0:19:08 > 0:19:11and that really isn't what I'm looking for.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16One moment. ..Margaret! Margaret!
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Yes?
0:19:25 > 0:19:30There's a gentleman here wants to know if we have any paintings of a disappointed horse.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Have you shown him the perturbed one, the unfulfilled one,
0:19:33 > 0:19:37and the one that appears disappointed, but ultimately has a flicker of hope?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- Yes.- Oh.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44- Oh.- Ooh, I've got an idea. Roy! Roy!
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Yes?
0:19:56 > 0:20:01If he's looking for pictures of disappointed animals, we have a very good one of a vexed kitten.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Oh, she says we have a very good one of a vexed kitten.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07No, I'm not sure that would make a nice painting.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10An irked kitten, perhaps, but not vexed.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Oh, I don't know what to suggest.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Do you have any paintings featuring displeased owls?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Do you know, I think we may have just the thing.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Oh, where did I put it?
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Oh, here it is!
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Well, what do you reckon?
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Oh, yes, that owl looks very displeased, I will take it.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39I thought we'd never get there.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43Yes, I have a painting of an inconvenienced badger. I can put it next to that.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Oh, right. Did you buy that here?
0:20:46 > 0:20:50No, I bought it from the inconvenienced badger painting shop.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Oh, yes, I know it. How's business?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Slow.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Right, well, that'll be £100, please.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59There you go.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Thank you.
0:21:08 > 0:21:13I can't help thinking this owl looks more disillusioned than displeased.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- Get out or I will strangle you. - Goodbye.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29This couple are visiting their local Indian restaurant.
0:21:29 > 0:21:34To my mind, anyone who eats foreign food is a traitor and should be shot at dawn.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37I'll have the vegetable biryani, please.
0:21:37 > 0:21:42That is quite mild, isn't it? And some plain rice.
0:21:42 > 0:21:43Very good, and for sir?
0:21:43 > 0:21:48Might one enquire as to the spiciest dish upon your menu, my good man?
0:21:48 > 0:21:51The king prawn vindaloo is very spicy, sir.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Lovely, I'll have one of those, please. Thank you, friend.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Don, you don't like spicy food.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- Yes, I do.- You don't.- Woman, I do!
0:21:58 > 0:22:01I like it spicy. Spicier the better.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Oh, that was quick.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Yeah, it's good service here.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Mmm! Oh, yeah.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Mine's delicious, how's yours?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Mmm.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19# De de de de de, de de de de de
0:22:19 > 0:22:21# S-Express! #
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Milky milky!
0:22:23 > 0:22:25# Super Match game, Super Match game Super Match game. #
0:22:25 > 0:22:28You are a member of the Rebel Alliance, and a spy.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31A cup a tea and a slice of cake, Aunt Sally.
0:22:31 > 0:22:36# The phantom of the opera is here Inside my mind. #
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Bit mild, actually.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48# Super Match game. #
0:22:51 > 0:22:53In St Saddam's Hospital,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Maggie is recovering from a kidney transplant.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00- Hello, Maggie.- Hello, dear. - How are you today?
0:23:00 > 0:23:04Well, I'm perfectly fine. I told them I'm ready to go home.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Now, Maggie, you've had a very serious operation.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09You must listen to the doctors.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11I got you these.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Oh, South African.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16I'll have those later.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Mrs Blackamore?
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- Yes.- How's the new kidney?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22It's fine, thank you, doctor.
0:23:22 > 0:23:27I would love to know the name of the donor, I feel I should write to the family and thank them.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Well, I shouldn't really tell you, but I believe it was a Mrs...Banagi.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Maggie?
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Are you all right, Mrs Blackamore?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Bleurgh!
0:23:45 > 0:23:46Bleurgh!
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Bleurgh!
0:23:55 > 0:24:00Bleurgh!
0:24:06 > 0:24:10Do you have any other kidneys lying around?
0:24:11 > 0:24:14It's five past nicky nacky noo noo, and at the Houses of Parliament,
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Prime Minister's questions is taking place.
0:24:17 > 0:24:22..I refer the honourable member to the answer I gave some moments ago.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- JEERING - Leader of the opposition.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28I don't know if the Prime Minister has had an opportunity to view
0:24:28 > 0:24:31the front page of the Sun newspaper today.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32LAUGHTER
0:24:32 > 0:24:35It shows two photographs of the Prime Minister,
0:24:35 > 0:24:38illustrating how old and tired he looks.
0:24:39 > 0:24:46- Might I suggest that the honourable member is looking as old and tired as his policies.- Order, order!
0:24:46 > 0:24:48In answer to the honourable gentleman,
0:24:48 > 0:24:50I've not seen the publication.
0:24:50 > 0:24:55- Prime Minister may be glad to know I have a copy here.- Order, order.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Perhaps this is the time for the honourable member to retire.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03CHEERING
0:25:03 > 0:25:09This is, erm...nothing but a personal attack on me.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12My appearance is...
0:25:12 > 0:25:14It's not...
0:25:14 > 0:25:16It's, it's...
0:25:16 > 0:25:19# You are beautiful No matter what they say
0:25:19 > 0:25:23# Words can't bring you down
0:25:23 > 0:25:29# Yes, you are beautiful In every single way
0:25:29 > 0:25:33# Words can't bring you down
0:25:33 > 0:25:38# So don't you bring me down today
0:25:39 > 0:25:42# Every day is so wonderful
0:25:42 > 0:25:47# Then suddenly it's hard to breathe
0:25:48 > 0:25:53# Cos we are beautiful No matter what you say
0:25:53 > 0:25:59# Yes, words can't bring us down No, no, no
0:25:59 > 0:26:01# So don't you bring us down
0:26:03 > 0:26:11# Today-y-y-y-y...
0:26:12 > 0:26:18# ..y-y-y-y-y-y-y. #
0:26:20 > 0:26:23(You're beautiful.)
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Thank you, Sebastian.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Can we get him working for us?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Lou and Andy are sailing down the River Thames.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43The Thames was modelled on the opening credits of EastEnders.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49- ..To protect the city from the risk of flooding.- This is boring.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52But you've been wanting to come on this boat trip for ages.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56You always said the only way to see London was via its ancient waterways,
0:26:56 > 0:27:00- which was like a pulsating artery through the heart of this historic city.- Yeah, I know.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- Well, then.- It's boring.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Would a choc ice make any difference?
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Maybe.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09We'll get you a choc ice, then.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27There, that's a nice choc ice, that one, yes.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Andy?
0:27:29 > 0:27:33Andy, where are you? Andy!
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Andy? Andy!
0:27:42 > 0:27:46And so we conclude our journey round Little Britain.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49If you have found this show in any way distasteful,
0:27:49 > 0:27:51and wish to make a complaint,
0:27:51 > 0:27:55please write to the Chuckle Brothers, care of CBBC.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Good sigh.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Andy!