0:00:02 > 0:00:06Britain, Britain, Britain - there's so much to see and do here.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09Why not get stuck in the one-way system in Birmingham
0:00:09 > 0:00:13or get caught up in a fight in a pub car park in Swansea?
0:00:13 > 0:00:16Or why not get food poisoning from a motorway service cafe
0:00:16 > 0:00:19just outside Stoke?
0:00:19 > 0:00:20But our greatest attraction
0:00:20 > 0:00:23is the people of Britain.
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Hip hop, don't stop.
0:00:31 > 0:00:37It's early late afternoon morning, and this is the office of PR guru Cliff Maxford.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Take a seat. Now, I've spoken to the News Of The World -
0:00:41 > 0:00:44they are very interested in your story. What happened?
0:00:44 > 0:00:48What happened was I met all these footballers and I got like totally roasted.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Can I have a £100,000 now, please?
0:00:51 > 0:00:54First we need to establish this is a genuine story.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58- Now, let's start at the beginning. - We was all up this club called Chinese Whites,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01and there was all these famous people like Dean Gaffney and Jodie Marsh
0:01:01 > 0:01:04and that Professor Stephen Hawkings. I was like well the fittest girl there,
0:01:04 > 0:01:06and people came in from Coronation Street,
0:01:06 > 0:01:10and they was all trying to do me - even that little Chesney was trying to stick his tongue down my throat,
0:01:10 > 0:01:15but I'm not a slag or nothing! I want to find a proper life partner, cos I've already had six kids
0:01:15 > 0:01:17- by seven different blokes. - When did you meet the footballers?
0:01:17 > 0:01:20I'm getting there! I was just about to say it if you had just waited!
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Then all the footballers came in or something or nothing from all the clubs like Tottenham
0:01:23 > 0:01:24and Spurs and Chelsea Park Rangers,
0:01:24 > 0:01:28and they all like really wanted to do me, but I was wearing this really short skirt,
0:01:28 > 0:01:31so they could all see my strawberry mivvi.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Right, what happened next?
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Then all the footballers took me back to this really amazing expensive hotel called Travelodge,
0:01:38 > 0:01:41and I thought it was just to talk about football, but I ended up doing sex with all of them,
0:01:41 > 0:01:43but afterwards I felt used, cos I thought they loved me.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46But have you got any photographic evidence?
0:01:46 > 0:01:50No but, yeah but, no but, yeah but I actually have actually, so shut up,
0:01:50 > 0:01:52because this is a actual photo from it.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54There's me there actually doing it with all of them.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56God, I feel so degraded and used and dirty,
0:01:56 > 0:02:00and it was rubbish anyway, cos they all had well tiny knobs.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Vicky, I'm not sure this story's gonna stick.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Oh, my God, I so can't believe you just said that!
0:02:05 > 0:02:07I'm like well gonna be the new Abi Titchmarsh.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Please, Vicky, I'm a very busy man.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Come back when you've got a better story.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20KNOCKING
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- Yes?- I've done a gangbang with G4.
0:02:27 > 0:02:32It's a quarter to Gino Ginelli, and Lou has been out shopping for his friend, Andy.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Oh, hello. I've just been out shopping. Oh...
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Oh dear, let me help you.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Oh, it's not for me - it's for a disabled man.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Come on, yellow truck.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- Morning, Andy.- Morning, Len.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- Lou.- Yeah, I know.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55I got all your shopping for ya.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56Did you get me Razzle?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Yes,
0:02:58 > 0:03:03and I don't want you to spend the whole day looking at pictures of naked ladies.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07I want that one and that one.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12We'd all like a go on a nice naked lady, yes.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14No, I want that one and that one.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- You want breasts?- Yeah.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20- You want a breast enlargement operation?- Yeah.
0:03:20 > 0:03:26- Why?- Something to play with. - I'm not sure that's a good idea.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27I want tits.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29It'd be a right kafuffle,
0:03:29 > 0:03:32and anyway I thought you were against plastic surgery.
0:03:32 > 0:03:38You said that cosmetic enhancement was symptomatic of a sick society that worships youth and beauty.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Anyone seeking the quick fix of physical change was left morally wanting.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46- Yeah, I know.- Well, then. - I want tits though.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Oh, for the love...!
0:03:57 > 0:03:58I look a pillock.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Our next stop is at this charming restaurant,
0:04:09 > 0:04:13just off the A27390938662...
0:04:13 > 0:04:155.
0:04:15 > 0:04:20The reason I've brought you here today is because one of our patients, Anne...
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Have you met Anne? Have you met Anne?
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Yes, well, she's got herself a job here as a pianist.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30It's just a part-time job, but she does find playing the piano very calming.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40# Eh-eh-eh
0:04:40 > 0:04:41# Eh-eh-eh
0:04:41 > 0:04:44# Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. #
0:04:44 > 0:04:47That must be one of her own compositions.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50# Eh-eh-eh
0:04:50 > 0:04:51# Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh
0:04:51 > 0:04:53# Eh...eh! #
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Oh, careful - there's a slipper in your soup.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Eh-eh-eh.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Eh-eh-eh.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04Eh?
0:05:07 > 0:05:08Eh.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14SQUELCHING
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Thank you very much, you've been a wonderful audience.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Holidays can be booked at travel agents like this.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27The word holiday is derived from the Greek word "holidius",
0:05:27 > 0:05:30which directly translates as "sex with coach driver".
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Could I just finish my coffee?
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Yes, yes.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Sue, can you make me a cup of coffee?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02That was foul. Do take a seat.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06We've got our golden wedding anniversary coming up.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Yes, we'll have been married 50 years in August.
0:06:12 > 0:06:18- We've been saving up and we've always promised ourselves a cruise. - Maybe something with Saga.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Computer says no.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26It gets booked up early, you see - old people.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27Oh.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30I've got another option - P&O.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- Oh!- Where does that go? - Dover to Calais.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39No, we're looking for a proper cruise.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- I've got a good deal here...- Yes?
0:06:42 > 0:06:46The Russian cargo vessel taking nuclear waste to the Baltic.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50- I really don't fancy that. - All the pickled herring you can eat.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52- No.- No.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Do you have to be on a cruise ship or could you be in a canoe?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00We're not keen on canoeing.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Shame, I've got some great deals here on PGL Adventure Holidays.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Are you under 16?
0:07:08 > 0:07:09No.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10No.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14- We'll leave it then, thank you. - WOMAN COUGHS
0:07:14 > 0:07:19Can you put your hands over your mouth when you cough, please? That's disgusting.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20Sorry.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29Trivial Pursuit is Britain's second most popular board game...
0:07:29 > 0:07:31after Poke Mummy.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35"People and places." Ooh, this is a hard one for you -
0:07:35 > 0:07:38who replaced Lord Carrington
0:07:38 > 0:07:42as Britain's Foreign Secretary during the Falklands War?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Francis Pym.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Correct - how did you know that?
0:07:47 > 0:07:51Well, in my little village of Pong Pong, we do have plenty newspaper.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Well, a piece of pie for you.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Pink.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Ooh, you'll never get this one.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04What was BBC breakfast fitness queen Diana Moran better known as?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I used to have quite a thing for her.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08The Green Goddess. Another go.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12Hang on a sec - if you lived your whole life in Pong Pong, Ting Tong,
0:08:12 > 0:08:16- how did you know about the Green Goddess?- Erm, well...
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Where exactly are you from, Ting Tong?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Ting Tong from Tooting.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Tooting Ting Tong, not Pong Pong?
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Tooting, not Pong Pong for Ting Tong.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33- Lies upon lies upon deceit upon lies!- I'm sorry, Mr Dudley.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Come on, get out! Get out of my flat!
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- But Mr Dudley...! - That's it, pack your bags!
0:08:39 > 0:08:41I want you out!
0:08:41 > 0:08:46- Is that it then - six wonderful days over just like that?- Yes, over.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50- Is there nothing I can do? - Nothing, nothing at all.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Hello, I Green Goddess.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59I to get you up in the morning.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Oh, God.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07You still want me go?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Not just yet.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14But first let's go do warm-up.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21It's half-past Top Cat, the indisputable boss cat,
0:09:21 > 0:09:25and MP Sir Norman Fry is once again facing the press.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28I have a statement I would like to read.
0:09:28 > 0:09:34On Monday night, following a long meeting with the Chancellor, I needed to go to the toilet,
0:09:34 > 0:09:37so I went to one that I knew would be open at three in the morning -
0:09:37 > 0:09:39on Hampstead Heath.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Upon my arrival, I met two men,
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Carlos and Eduardo, who invited me into their cubicle
0:09:48 > 0:09:51to talk to them about government policy.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Unfortunately, I slipped on the wet floor
0:09:55 > 0:09:58and became sandwiched between the two men
0:09:58 > 0:10:02in a position that the arresting officer informed me
0:10:02 > 0:10:04is known as a spit roast.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09As far as I'm concerned, that is the end of it.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Oh, and by the way, Carlos,
0:10:11 > 0:10:16if you've had the X-ray and found my watch, please do return it to me.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19It belonged to my late father. Thank you.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25It was a special birthday...
0:10:25 > 0:10:28These are amongst the few fat people left in Britain
0:10:28 > 0:10:32after her Majesty the Queen ordered a cull in her Jubilee year.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33God bless you, ma'am.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36..and I also tried something new, just on a stick.
0:10:36 > 0:10:43Now, you may have noticed that we have a new face in our midst.
0:10:43 > 0:10:50He is a new member and he is actually a very famous actor.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Now, we've had a word, he wants to lose a few pounds,
0:10:53 > 0:10:59but he don't want to be treated any different, so will you please welcome from EastEnders, Charlie Slater!
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Thank you.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06I'm sorry, I called you Charlie, didn't I, love?
0:11:06 > 0:11:10- What's your real name, my sweet? - Derek, Derek Martin.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12So, Charlie, welcome to the group.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- Hello...- Hello.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Stop bothering him! Honestly, he's not even one of the main ones!
0:11:18 > 0:11:22So, Charlie, what we do with all new members is we weigh them,
0:11:22 > 0:11:26- so if you just want to pop up onto the scales for me, my love.- Yeah.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29SHE HUMS "EASTENDERS" THEME
0:11:30 > 0:11:32No, don't, cos he's not here cos of that -
0:11:32 > 0:11:38he's here, cos he's very fat, so let's not embarrass him. So, you are...
0:11:38 > 0:11:43Actually I must just ask you... I never watch it myself, but what's gonna happen with Kat and Alfie?
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Is their marriage gonna survive the affair or is he gonna leave her...?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49I'm just here really to try and lose some weight.
0:11:49 > 0:11:54Yeah, God, he's on telly, get over it!
0:11:54 > 0:11:59I know what it's like being famous, because I've actually been in the audience on The Wright Stuff.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01So, you are 16 stone 5.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05That surprises me, because you're fat, but on telly you look REALLY fat,
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- really grotesque. - Thanks very much(!)
0:12:08 > 0:12:10My pleasure, off you pop.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Give him room!
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Now today, we're gonna be looking at calorie...
0:12:16 > 0:12:20I must just ask, have you got Nigel Harman's phone number for me?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22I don't think Nigel would want me to give it out.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Cor, Nigel Harman, eh, girls?
0:12:24 > 0:12:28Eh? Phwoar! We like a bit of Nigel, don't we? Eh?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30I would let him do some really grim stuff to me.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Nigel Harman, yeah? Nigel, yeah?
0:12:33 > 0:12:37We like a bit of Nigel, don't we, yeah? Nigel, Nigel, yeah, Nigel!
0:12:37 > 0:12:43- Sorry, Mira here probably doesn't have a clue what I'm talking about. - Yes, EastEnders. I love it.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- No, I can't... Do it again. - I love it.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49- No, do it again.- I love it.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- Do it again.- I love it.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55- Oh, right... No, do it again. - I love it.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00EastEnders, Mira - it's like the Mahabharat, only shorter.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04So the thing about calorie... ..Actually, I must ask, what happens to Mo in the end?
0:13:04 > 0:13:07- I don't know what you mean. - What happens to her in the end?
0:13:07 > 0:13:11- I don't know, we're not really told that.- Oh. What happens to Pauline in the end?
0:13:11 > 0:13:13- I dunno. - What happens to Phil in the end?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- I don't know. - What happens to Dot in the end?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Look, these things I don't know - it hasn't been decided yet.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20No, but what happens to Ian in the end?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23There isn't really an end - it just kind of carries on.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25What happens to Sonia in the end?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28I don't know what happens to any of these people!
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Stop asking me what happens to all these people in the end!
0:13:31 > 0:13:36- What happens to Pat in the end? - Look, I'm sorry. I've just come here to lose some weight.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40I didn't mean it to be a whole thing about being in EastEnders.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43I've obviously made a mistake. I'm sorry, all right?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50# Do do do-do-do... #
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Give it a rest!
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Shame on you.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01# Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you... #
0:14:01 > 0:14:05In Slut, Lettie Bell is celebrating her birthday.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Look at them - what a lot of old trouts!
0:14:08 > 0:14:09# ..to me! #
0:14:12 > 0:14:17Ah, a lovely froggie cake as well! Shame to cut it really.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19We know you love your froggies.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23Oh, I love me froggies me - I don't know why, but I do!
0:14:23 > 0:14:27All of us clubbed together to get something special.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Ooh, something special, special something - what's that, then?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Ooh! That's a big one!
0:14:32 > 0:14:35What is it?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Open it and find out.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Yeah, I'll find out when I open it, yeah.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43What's that?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45It's a REAL frog.
0:14:47 > 0:14:52- It won't hurt you! - There's nothing to be scared of.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Look, he's lovely. Go on, give him a stroke.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57RIBBIT!
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Ah!
0:14:58 > 0:15:03It bit me! It bit me with its sharp frog teeth!
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Get it out! Get it out of the house!
0:15:05 > 0:15:07We'll have to take it back.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10I thought she liked them.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Keep back!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16CRUNCHING AND SQUISHING
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Help yourself to cake.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Still, lovely froggie wrapping paper.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34I can use that again.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39At Hill Grange health spa,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42former Miss Botswana, Desiree Devere,
0:15:42 > 0:15:44is relaxing after her fried onion foot scrub.
0:15:44 > 0:15:49Oh, hasn't that Victoria Beckham put on weight!
0:15:49 > 0:15:52She looks grotesque!
0:15:54 > 0:15:57What I'm using is a green algae mask,
0:15:57 > 0:16:03- because your skin is quite sensitive.- Yeah, that's lovely, it's very soothing.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Shh!
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Everything all right, Gita?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Oh, yes, everything's fine, darling...
0:16:13 > 0:16:16I mean, Mr Devere.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20And now I give you massage.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23No, thanks, Gita - I'll just have the facial today.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Ooh, that's very intimate.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Do you like?
0:16:27 > 0:16:31Yeah. Ooh. Very pleasurable.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Oh, that's good, that's ample.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Do I have to pay extra for this?
0:16:43 > 0:16:47No, it's all part of the service.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Ooh, you're bigger than you look, Gita.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54You always liked me on top, didn't you, darling?
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Yeah, I... Ooh, Bubbles!
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Hello, darling!
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Bubbles, you've got to stop...
0:17:01 > 0:17:03quite soon.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09- Darling, what are you doing? - Hello, darling.- It's not what it looks like.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Get off him, you jezebel!
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Oh, don't worry, I'm gone.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18Hope I haven't spoiled your honeymoon, darlings.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20BUBBLES CACKLES
0:17:20 > 0:17:24How could you do this to me, baby, with your ex-wife?!
0:17:24 > 0:17:26I was tricked into it - I'm completely innocent.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Is that what you want, you want to get back with that harlot?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32No, no, honestly - I hated every minute of it.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Naughty!
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Our next stop on our journey is this supermarket,
0:17:51 > 0:17:55situated in the ancient Roman city of Breakdance Two,
0:17:55 > 0:17:56Electric Boogaloo.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Excuse me...
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Yeah?
0:18:06 > 0:18:11- Are you Orville?- Yeah. - Can I have your autograph, please?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Erm, yeah, erm...
0:18:13 > 0:18:15- Have you got a pen?- Yeah.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22- Sorry, who's it to?- It's me, John.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25So, erm, where's Keith Harris, then?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- I don't know.- It would just be funny if he was here.
0:18:28 > 0:18:33Yeah, it's work, we don't spend every minute of the day together - we do have our own life as well.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34He's very funny.
0:18:34 > 0:18:40- Yeah, yeah, he's a really funny guy. - Are you working on anything together at the moment or...?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43No, no, we're sort of having a sabbatical at the moment,
0:18:43 > 0:18:48trying to concentrate on some straight acting. I'm going up for a part in The Bill next week.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52- Oh, right. - Yeah, yeah, it's a one-off - it's the part of a racist copper.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56- Oh, good luck with that. - Cheers.- Sorry, before I go...
0:18:56 > 0:18:59You must get this all the time. Could you do Keith's voice?
0:18:59 > 0:19:04Yeah, I'm just out shopping today - I don't really want to sort of draw attention to myself.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Yeah, sorry, I'll let you get on.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08OK, cheers.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Oi, Orville, where's Keith?!
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Oh, for God's sake!
0:19:16 > 0:19:20At this restaurant in Upper Gonad,
0:19:20 > 0:19:24couple Pat and Don are ordering a meal.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27An onion bhaji, please - that is quite mild, isn't it?
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- Yes.- Mild!- ..And for sir?
0:19:30 > 0:19:34- I'll just have a plate of curry powder, please.- Don, no.
0:19:34 > 0:19:40All right, I'll have the chicken jalfrezi, but can you have it spicy, please? I do like it spicy.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Service is slow today.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Yeah, I'm not coming here again. Oh, here he is.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- Oh, about time.- Sorry for the delay.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Mmm! Mine's lovely, how's yours?
0:19:53 > 0:19:54Mmm...!
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Ooh, ooh...
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Ooh, ooh...
0:20:01 > 0:20:03# Godzilla! Doo doo-da-loo! Godzilla! Doo doo-da-loo!
0:20:03 > 0:20:06# Godzilla! Doo doo-da-loo! And Godzuki... #
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Ze fallen Madonna with ze big boobies...
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Monkey...!
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Runaround, now!
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Mr Spencer!
0:20:14 > 0:20:15Very flat, Norfolk.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17What do you take me for, a fool?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Barbara Dickson.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23# Whoa, Bodyform...
0:20:23 > 0:20:25# Bodyform for comfort
0:20:25 > 0:20:27# Bodyform for confidence
0:20:27 > 0:20:30# Bodyform for you! #
0:20:30 > 0:20:33APPLAUSE
0:20:34 > 0:20:37It's not spicy at all. # Oh, Macarena! #
0:20:41 > 0:20:46The current Prime Minister, Michael Stevens, is proving very popular in the polls -
0:20:46 > 0:20:50almost as popular as our previous leader, General Udu Umbago.
0:20:56 > 0:21:01- It's just so humiliating for me. - I know, darling, I'm so sorry.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Well, I suppose it was going to come out sooner or later.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Look, tomorrow it'll just be old news.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10Let's put a statement through the Press Secretary saying it's a private matter.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Sarah, we're gonna get through this together.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Morning, Prime Minister.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Oh, hi, Sebastian. Just a little upset here.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Your car's here.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46I'd better dash, I'm due in court.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Yes, good luck, darling.
0:21:56 > 0:22:01So, Sebastian, I suppose you've heard the news.
0:22:01 > 0:22:06Yeah, and I bought the book. I mean, as if you'd have an affair with the old Education Secretary -
0:22:06 > 0:22:10- look at her, she's a right dog. - Sebastian...- Oh, this is my favourite bit...
0:22:10 > 0:22:16"Michael gazed at me from across the room at the party conference - 20 minutes later, our bodies were united
0:22:16 > 0:22:18"in passionate political union."
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Ooh, lying cow.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21It's true.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23We were both young MPs,
0:22:23 > 0:22:26both far away from home,
0:22:26 > 0:22:31- Sarah and I had had our problems, and one thing lead to another. - What?!
0:22:34 > 0:22:39It finished a long time ago. Sarah's known about it for years. We've accepted it and moved on.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41And just when did you think you were gonna tell ME?
0:22:41 > 0:22:46- Sebastian, quite honestly, it's none of your business. - You're still seeing her.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Oh, don't be silly.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49I can smell her!
0:22:49 > 0:22:53You wait till I'm gone, then you have her! You have her on this couch! Like this...
0:22:53 > 0:22:56"Ooh, give it to me, hey?"
0:22:56 > 0:23:00Or is it like this... "Ooh, that's deep!"
0:23:00 > 0:23:04Do you laugh about me when you're together, do you? "Ha ha ha!"
0:23:07 > 0:23:09It finished 15 years ago.
0:23:09 > 0:23:14Prove it. Have her killed. You're the Prime Minister - one call will do it.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18- It's the only way I know she means nothing to you! - 'MI5, Sue speaking.'
0:23:18 > 0:23:22I'm so sorry - I've got the wrong number.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- 'No bother, goodbye.' - Come now, Sebastian.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29Just tell me why? What did I do wrong? What does she give you that I can't?
0:23:29 > 0:23:33Now, look, this book's gonna give me a rough ride for the next week.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35I need people around me who can help me through it.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Now, if you can't, I'll find someone who can. OK?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Yeah, fine.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41BUZZER
0:23:41 > 0:23:45- 'The German Chancellor is here.' - Thank you.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Would you like to show him in, Sebastian?
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Hi, slut's over there.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Donkey Hospice, money for the Donkey Hospice?
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Our next stop is the southern town of Aching Balls.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- Donkey Hospice, money for the Donkey Hospice?- Oh, yes.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11- Oh, thank you. - My father had a donkey.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Oh, did he?
0:24:13 > 0:24:14Some stickers for you.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16There we are.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18And one for you.
0:24:19 > 0:24:24The donkeys will be very pleased, thank you. Donkey Hospice...
0:24:24 > 0:24:29In the village of Pox, Maggie is delivering the parish newsletter.
0:24:32 > 0:24:38- Hello, Maggie.- Hello, Judy, I've got the new parish newsletter for you. - Oh, thank you very much.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42I would ask you in, but I'm a little busy - my daughter's here with her fiance.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46- Oh, well, I'd love to meet him.- Yes, I'm not sure that's a good idea.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50But he sounds so wonderful. You told me he went to Cambridge and he's now a barrister.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54Yeah, er...well, come in, then.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58We're just in the drawing room.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Whoa!
0:25:03 > 0:25:05- Olivia you know.- Hello.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Hello.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Pleased to me you. I'm James.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Yes,
0:25:11 > 0:25:14lovely to meet you.
0:25:14 > 0:25:19Did Mummy tell you we're getting married in August?
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Well, I really must deliver the "He's black" newsletters, so...
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Do stay for a cup of tea.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26And you must have one of these -
0:25:26 > 0:25:27they're delicious.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Oh, thank you.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Mmm, your mother's fruit cake is legendary.
0:25:34 > 0:25:39Actually, MY mother made it. Let me get you some tea.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Are you all right?
0:25:44 > 0:25:49Oh, no, Maggie, please - we've just had the carpet shampooed.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Whoaaaaa!
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Whoaaaaa!
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Whoaaaaa!
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Now, do you take...
0:26:08 > 0:26:10..sugar?
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Actually, I really must deliver these.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Lovely to have met you. Goodbye. ..Goodbye.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Bye-bye.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24Meanwhile, Lou has pawned his shoes to take Andy on a day trip.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Did you enjoy our little trip to Legoland?
0:26:28 > 0:26:33- No, it was all just Lego. - Oh, well, I'm sorry. I did say.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36- What time is it?- It's 4.30.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39I'm gonna miss Dogtanian And The Three Muskehounds.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42There's not a lot I can do. I don't want to break the speed limit.
0:26:42 > 0:26:48- Faster!- I thought you didn't like Dogtanian And The Three Muskehounds.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51I thought you said that Dumas's classic characters
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- of the canine counterparts were decidedly lacklustre.- Yeah, I know.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58Well, I promise I'll get you home in time for Jossy's Giants.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02- Dogtanian!- Oh, dear.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05- Faster, faster!- I'm going faster - I'm doing 80!
0:27:05 > 0:27:08SIREN WAILS Oh, no!
0:27:08 > 0:27:11PC Plod.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12Oh, no.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Yes, I will pull over, sir, yes.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23He doesn't look happy -
0:27:23 > 0:27:25he's got a right cob on.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Step out the vehicle please, sir.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32I'm very sorry, Mr Policeman, sir.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Right, I'd like your full name, please.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37It's Louis Bob Todd.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Have you any idea how fast you were driving, sir?
0:27:41 > 0:27:46I'm very sorry, Mr Policeman. I've got a friend here who's in a wheelchair...
0:27:46 > 0:27:48MOTORBIKE DROWNS SPEECH
0:27:50 > 0:27:53And tonight's episode of Little Britain was shown
0:27:53 > 0:27:56as a tribute to Matt Lucas and David Walliams,
0:27:56 > 0:27:59who are sadly still with us.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Our thoughts are with their friends and family at this difficult time.
0:28:03 > 0:28:04Goodbye.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd - 2005
0:28:07 > 0:28:10E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk