0:00:02 > 0:00:04Britain, Britain...
0:00:04 > 0:00:08We have exported so many great things around the world -
0:00:08 > 0:00:12slavery, hooliganism and Starlight Express.
0:00:12 > 0:00:17But none of this would be possible without the people of Britain.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20Today now, we look at what they.
0:00:20 > 0:00:21Boom! Boom! Boom!
0:00:21 > 0:00:26Let me hear you say... Wail! Wail!
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Bring it on!
0:00:30 > 0:00:33It's half past Mr Ernest Ndukwe,
0:00:33 > 0:00:37and Lou and Andy are their way home from the shops.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41- You look well. Had your hair done? - No, not really.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43- It looks lovely like that. - Thank you.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46- I'll thee you later.- Take care. Bye.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Thith patio's going to look lovely.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53You can thit here in thummer and thunbathe.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Yeah, I know.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59- Nearly finished. - I want to go on it now.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03Oh, no. You can't go on it now. It's got to dry.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Yeah, I know.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Ooh!
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Ow! Ooh, me back!
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Ooh! Aah, I think something went there.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15It went the other day as well,
0:01:15 > 0:01:19when I carried you to the top of the Post Office Tower.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Ooh! Ow! Yes...
0:01:25 > 0:01:28It's right at the bathe of the thpine.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Ooh, yes! Ah, that's got it.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Who done that?!
0:01:35 > 0:01:36The birds.
0:01:39 > 0:01:45At this travel agent, Carol Beer is once again working her nuts off.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51So that flight leaves Heathrow on the 8th?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Yes. Will you be taking your wife on as hand luggage?
0:01:58 > 0:02:03- No.- So you need two seats.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07- It's all booked.- I forgot to ask, does that include insurance?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Computer says no.
0:02:11 > 0:02:17- I think we should take some out. - We do offer a very reasonable insurance package at Sunsearchers.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20That covers us against accidents, does it?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Computer says no.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Oh. So it just covers us against theft?
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Computer says no.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Medical bills?
0:02:36 > 0:02:42The computer refers the honourable gentleman to the answer I gave a moment ago.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45It doesn't sound like it'd much use.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46No.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49We'll leave it, thanks.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53- We do offer Sunsearchers platinum gold insurance.- Oh, yes?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55And what does that cover?
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Well, last week a man in Barbados lost a flip-flop.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04We were able to send a replacement out to him first class.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Really?
0:03:05 > 0:03:09All he had to do was cover the cost of the flight.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11And the flip-flop.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15We'll forget about the insurance, thank you.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17OK. I'll just give you your tickets, then.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21SHE COUGHS
0:03:24 > 0:03:26COUGHS
0:03:29 > 0:03:31It's half past Queen and Paul Rodgers.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35Andy and Poop, a couple, are getting ready to go out.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Darling? Darling?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- Yes?- Have you seen my wallet?
0:03:40 > 0:03:46- It's by the phone. Aren't you going to tell me how I look?- Beautiful.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- DOORBELL RINGS - That'll be the babysitter. I'll go.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57- Hello. You must be Victoria. - No, but, yeah, but, no, but,
0:03:57 > 0:04:00yeah, but, I know cos I'm totally the babysitter.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Come in. You're a little late.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Don't give me evils! I was gonna be here about half an hour ago,
0:04:07 > 0:04:09but we was all at McDonald's,
0:04:09 > 0:04:13because Jade McGuire fancies this bloke there
0:04:13 > 0:04:16who went to our school and did better than everyone.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20He's got a star on his name badge for mopping up piss.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Shanita told him that Jade really fancies him.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28Then Jade took Lee round the back and showed him her Egg McMuffins.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Hello, there. I'm Jennifer.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Got any Pernod?
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Archie's already in bed. He should be fine.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41- If he wakes, don't let him watch cartoons.- Yes, read him a book.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42A what?
0:04:44 > 0:04:48I hope you don't mind me asking, but have you looked after children much?
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Oh, I SO can't believe you just said that!
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Shut up! I'm well good with kids.
0:04:53 > 0:04:59Once, Carrie Delaney had one of them babies where you don't know you're pregnant till it comes out.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01She had it in Top Shop. It was well graphic.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I held it while she went and bought a scrunchy.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08And I've shat out six kids myself, so does that count, stupid bitch?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Who's looking after them tonight?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- I dunno! - HORN HONKS OUTSIDE
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Taxi's here.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22- You will be OK? - Yeah. God! Stop getting involved!
0:05:25 > 0:05:27ARCHIE: Mummy!
0:05:27 > 0:05:29- SHE GROWLS: - Shut up!
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Like most universities in Britain,
0:05:33 > 0:05:35this one offers a variety of courses,
0:05:35 > 0:05:39including a post-grad on the life of Jayne Middlemiss.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Do you know what the deadline is for the Sylvia Plath essay?
0:05:43 > 0:05:48Oh! Aren't her poems wonderful? Always down in the dumps, though.
0:05:48 > 0:05:53- I loved "The Bell Jar". - I thought, "Cheer up, love. It might never happen."
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- Have you tried Jilly Cooper?- No.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- I just need to know when the deadline is.- I'm not sure.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Martin'll know.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Martin, it's Linda. I've got Molly Spencer here,
0:06:09 > 0:06:12wants to know when the Plath essay is due in.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Molly. You know Molly. Lovely brown hair, quite petite.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Almost very pretty.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Looks like she's balancing a Malteser on her face.
0:06:22 > 0:06:28You want to go, "Careful! There's a bee on you!" Then you realise.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32That's right, Molly the Mole.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34It's Thursday.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Thanks very much.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41# I am a mole and I live in a hole... #
0:06:44 > 0:06:47It's half past Mr Miyagi,
0:06:47 > 0:06:51and once again Sir Norman Fry MP has some explaining to do.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I have a statement I would like to read.
0:06:54 > 0:06:59Last week I purchased a new camera, and whilst in my office in the House of Commons,
0:06:59 > 0:07:02I accidentally took a picture of myself naked.
0:07:02 > 0:07:07That picture somehow - and I would love to know how -
0:07:07 > 0:07:09found its way onto Gaydar,
0:07:09 > 0:07:14which I later discovered to be a dating website for sodomites.
0:07:14 > 0:07:19Basically, you pay a flat fee, post your stats online, then...
0:07:22 > 0:07:27I was then invited to join a group of gentlemen at a party in Brighton,
0:07:27 > 0:07:31where I was planning to give a talk about education reform.
0:07:31 > 0:07:38However, shortly after my arrival, my clothes accidentally fell off.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42At that moment, I slipped on a glace cherry
0:07:42 > 0:07:45and landed inside one of the men.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51As far as I'm concerned, that is the end of the matter.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54BARRAGE OF QUESTIONS
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Aren't fat people loathsome?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Just look at their stupid fat faces.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07I'd like to give them all a punch on the nose, but I'm too fat.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10..if you get peckish in between meals.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14I like to put some low-fat cottage cheese on some Ryvita.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16You can have that as it is or deep-fry it.
0:08:16 > 0:08:21Now, today's buzzword is "motivisation".
0:08:21 > 0:08:25Last week, I asked you all to bring in a picture of yourselves
0:08:25 > 0:08:29to act as an incentive when you're reaching for that cake.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32We like a bit of cake, don't we? Yeah?
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Cake! Give me cake now!
0:08:34 > 0:08:35We like cake.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38I like cake. I do. I just like cake.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40I like it a lot. I...like...cake.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Gimme cake! Gimme cake!
0:08:42 > 0:08:44I vant ze cake!
0:08:44 > 0:08:49So, let's see these pictures. Paul, can you dim the lights, please?
0:08:51 > 0:08:55And I don't want to hear rustling. This is not an excuse to eat.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59Let's have a look at the first photo, then.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Oh! At home with the Kumars!
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Have you seen that? It's very funny. They're Asian.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10Where was this photo taken? Was this in India?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- New Malden.- We'll never know.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Tanya.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18Ooh, it took guts to bring that one in, my love.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20And where was this photo taken?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22It was at my sister's 60th.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25You still get invited to family dos?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- Yeah.- It's just that if you were my sister,
0:09:28 > 0:09:32I would deny your existence. I mean that in a caring way.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Bless your overworked heart.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38- Oh, where was this?- New York.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Oh! Did you pig out when you were there?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43You know what it's like on holiday.
0:09:45 > 0:09:51That's why you're here, because you cannot control your binge eating. Excuse me for a moment.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59SHE GRUNTS
0:10:08 > 0:10:09Aah!
0:10:11 > 0:10:13SHE BURPS
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Just had to blow my nose.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Right, let's see the next picture.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Oh, mama, you fat!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27So, Pat, how does this picture make you feel?
0:10:27 > 0:10:31Well, although it was a very happy day, as it was my wedding,
0:10:31 > 0:10:34I do think I look large in that dress.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Hmm. Did they roll you down the aisle?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- No, I walked.- Brave.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43And even though she looked like that, you went through with it?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Of course!
0:10:45 > 0:10:48I look at Pat and there's a beautiful person inside.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50There's a few of 'em.
0:10:52 > 0:10:57Now, because it's only fair, here's a picture of me not looking my best.
0:10:58 > 0:11:03Lost a bit of weight since then, obviously. Lights on!
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- Keep the change. - HE YAWNS
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Hey, no yawning from you. The night's not over yet.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18THEY LAUGH
0:11:19 > 0:11:21TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:22 > 0:11:25HE VOMITS
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- Vicky!- What you doing here? You ain't invited.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46- Where's Archie?- We sent him down the offy to get more fags.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- What?!- Don't give me evils. I gave him fake ID.
0:11:49 > 0:11:54Anyway, I'm trying to get off with the bloke, actually, if you don't mind.
0:11:54 > 0:11:59- Get out of my house!- Don't worry. We're going. This party's well sad.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03And I found your pornos, you dirty bastard.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Oh, yeah, and I can do next Tuesday, if you want.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10All right!
0:12:11 > 0:12:14This is a computer shop.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18Computers date back to the reign of King Henry VIII.
0:12:18 > 0:12:24Computers then were very basic. You could only get Pac-Man and Snoopy Tennis.
0:12:24 > 0:12:29- JAMAICAN ACCENT: - Pirates of the Caribbean? I did not like that. A'ight.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Wicked. I'll call you later.
0:12:31 > 0:12:36- Yes, boss?- The XP upgrade for my laptop hasn't installed right.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38OK. Let's take a look at it, then.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47- This is XP Professional not the home edition.- Yeah.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51I'm not too good on this, so I'm going to bring in the horse.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03I'll just tell the horse what the problem is.
0:13:08 > 0:13:13The horse says did you disable the anti-virus software before installation?
0:13:13 > 0:13:14No, I didn't.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Talk to me. Give me your wisdom.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22HORSE NEIGHS
0:13:23 > 0:13:27The horse says you need to press F2, which take you into set-up,
0:13:27 > 0:13:31disable the anti-virus software, and it'll install fine.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34- Great. Thank you. - Yeah, he's a good horse, this one.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38- He's one of the best we've had. - Actually, I've got a problem with my iPod.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46Yeah, he doesn't know anything about iPods.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Come on, boss. It's just a horse.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56Hey, Sanjay. Geezer ask a horse about a iPod, innit?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03This young man is what we call a homosexual.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07Some people in Britain are heterosexual. I am bisexual.
0:14:07 > 0:14:12Well, at my time of life, I can't afford to be too picky.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15- WELSH ACCENT: - # I think I'm gonna leave right now
0:14:15 > 0:14:17# Before I falls any deeper
0:14:17 > 0:14:20# I think I'm gonna leave right now
0:14:20 > 0:14:23# For I am feeling weaker and weaker... #
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Give me a hand with the shopping, Dafydd.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28I'm a little busy at the moment.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30I'm updating my Will Young scrapbook.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34- Oh, right.- He's been such an inspiration to me,
0:14:34 > 0:14:36as the only gay in the village.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40So brave the way he came out as gay, just after he won Pop Idol.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- Yes.- Did you remember my Smarties?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47There you go.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Now, me and your dad have been talking
0:14:50 > 0:14:54and we were thinking it was time you maybe got yourself a job.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57I'd love to get myself a job, but I can't.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- Why not?- I am a gay.
0:15:00 > 0:15:05- Oh, rubbish.- There's loads of jobs I can't do because of my sexuality.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- Like what? - Hairdresser, airline steward,
0:15:08 > 0:15:10children's TV presenter,
0:15:10 > 0:15:13but they simply don't employ the gays.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Of course they do!
0:15:16 > 0:15:21And if you got yourself a job, you could rent your own flat.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23How can I rent a flat? I'm a gay!
0:15:23 > 0:15:27I just see it. "Hello, landlord. I like men's bottoms."
0:15:27 > 0:15:29How's that going to go down?
0:15:29 > 0:15:33Couldn't you at least sign on? We'd have some money.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- I can't go down the jobcentre. - Why? Because you're gay?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38That's right. I'm a homo.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41I'm a bender. I'm a fairy.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44I'm a poofta. Ma, I'm a bum-boy!
0:15:46 > 0:15:48I know!
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Oh, sorry. I didn't think I'd mentioned it.
0:15:51 > 0:15:56Well, make yourself useful and help me put the shopping away.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59I am at a critical moment with my Pritt Stick.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Dafydd!
0:16:01 > 0:16:02HE SIGHS
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Oh, I can't lift it. I'm gay.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- Give it here, you big poof! - Homophobe!
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- Don't be so stupid! - I'm calling Childline.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- What?! - My own mother rejects me,
0:16:15 > 0:16:19simply for the crime of wanting men's todgers in my bum-bum.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Good day!
0:16:25 > 0:16:28In Grumble, just north of Little Moan,
0:16:28 > 0:16:33lies the home of local Neighbourwatch group leader Sid Pegg.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39OK. Welcome to tonight's meeting of Neighbourwatch.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Did anyone witness the events of Sunday afternoon?
0:16:43 > 0:16:48- THEY ALL MUTTER: No. - 1500 hours approx.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50..imately.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54An empty can of Lilt was kicked down the close by a gang of yob.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01- Is that all? - If only it was, Mrs Vicar.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06On Monday, less than 24 hours after the Lilt incident,
0:17:06 > 0:17:11some mindless thug defaced the Larchwood Close sign.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15They put two dots in the "O"s to make it look like a pair of titties.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20There is nothing funny about a pair of women's titties.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Titties are beautiful.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26They are, in fact, my favourite part of a lady.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Apart from the general fanny area.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33WOMAN: Shall I put the turkey burgers on?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Yes, wife. Turkey burgers, go.
0:17:36 > 0:17:41Where was I? Titties, fanny, turkey burgers...
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Oh, yes. Self-defence.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Sometimes it is necessary to arm ourselves,
0:17:46 > 0:17:50which is why I always sleep with this under my pillow.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Another pillow to smother them.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Britain fights back.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58- You two married yet?- No.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Shame for the kid. It'll be a bastard.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Right. Now can I have a volunteer, please?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Lloyd, I saw your hand go up.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12All right, little fella? Little Lloyd Snow.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Number Seven. He rents, he doesn't own.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Lloyd was a contestant on "The Weakest Link".
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- Oh, yes. I saw you on it.- Sorry.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24If people are just going to shout out, there'll be chaos.
0:18:24 > 0:18:30- Wife?- Yes? - Bird's Eye Potato Waffles, go.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34Right, Now, what do we do if one of these bastards... Sorry!
0:18:35 > 0:18:39..attacks you in your home. Lloyd, get me in a headlock,
0:18:39 > 0:18:41and I'm going to get out of it.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45- Whatever I say, whatever I do, don't let go, OK?- Right.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46Right. OK, go.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Right. Yeah.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Tighter! Tighter! That's nothing. Tighter!
0:18:51 > 0:18:53HE GRUNTS
0:18:53 > 0:18:56OK, Lloyd. That's enough.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Please! Let go! Let me breathe!
0:19:00 > 0:19:03And that's how... you get out of a headlock.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07You just say that you've had enough, and they should let go.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Thank you very much. Thank you.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16- Wife?- Yes?- Alphabetti Spaghetti, go!
0:19:18 > 0:19:22Business is brisk at this fancy dress shop.
0:19:22 > 0:19:27Fancy dress parties were invented in 1971 by Professor Ian Fancy Dress Party.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Right. Well what can I do for you?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36If you wouldn't mind.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- Right.- I've been invited to a fancy dress party
0:19:41 > 0:19:43and want to go as the comedian David Baddiel.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49- David Baddiel? - Yes. "Unplanned" era please,
0:19:49 > 0:19:51not "The Mary Whitehouse Experience".
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Right. You are being a little specific.
0:19:54 > 0:19:59I want to go as the author and humorist David Baddiel.
0:19:59 > 0:20:00Oh, dear.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03One moment. Margaret? Margaret?
0:20:09 > 0:20:15- Yes?- There's a gentleman wants to know if we've got any David Baddiel costumes.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- I don't think so, no. - She doesn't think so, no.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20- Oh.- Oh.
0:20:20 > 0:20:25We've got a Punt and Dennis, but I think the Punt's out.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27We've got a Punt and Dennis, but she think the Punt's out.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29- No.- No.
0:20:29 > 0:20:34- Oh, we've got a Statto outfit. - She says we've got a Statto outfit.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37No, I only really like David.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41- Oh, I don't know what to suggest. - I'm in no hurry.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Well...I tell you what,
0:20:46 > 0:20:48I'll try and fashion a David Baddiel outfit
0:20:48 > 0:20:51out of some nondescript items.
0:20:51 > 0:20:56- That would be most kind.- Right, if you'd wait in our changing room.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01If I give you Rory McGrath's jumper.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06Erm... Martin Clunes's chinos.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Sanjeev Bhaskar's espadrilles.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15And Terry Waite's beard.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Well, how are you getting on?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- Well?- Nothing like him.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34No.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Thank you very much.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Rugby is very popular in Britain,
0:21:46 > 0:21:49as it allows men to act out sado-masochistic
0:21:49 > 0:21:53homoerotic fantasies in the safety of the sporting context.
0:21:53 > 0:21:58Oh, dear. It looks like Herby Town are going to lose again.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00- Yeah, I know.- You thaid it yourself,
0:22:00 > 0:22:06the team are strong on power, but lack the finesse to ultimately fulfil their potential.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Yeah, they're crap.
0:22:09 > 0:22:14- I'm going to get a tin of pop. Do you want one? - No, I'll just have yours.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- Did I mith anything? - No, it's boring.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46The Prime Minister is returning from Parliament,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49which was opened today by Her Majesty the Queen,
0:22:49 > 0:22:54though for an extra £40, they could have had Kerry McFadden.
0:22:58 > 0:23:03Prime Minister, here's a summary of the Arab-Israeli conflict.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Do you have a copy of the draft treaty there?
0:23:09 > 0:23:14- It's in the Foreign Secretary's office. I'll get it.- Would you?
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- Sebastian.- Oh, hello, Gregory.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Were you just spying on us?
0:23:24 > 0:23:28No, I was just checking out a faulty knob.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30Really?
0:23:30 > 0:23:34- Hello, Prime Minister. - Hello, Sebastian.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41I won't be a moment, Prime Minister.
0:23:43 > 0:23:48- So you're still taking him to the peace talks? - Could you move down a bit?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Yes, of course.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Yes, he's very up on foreign diplomacy.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58I can do that.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01I'm up on the foreign diplum...thing.
0:24:01 > 0:24:07This is very complex. It's the...Arab...Israeli conflict.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10It's about reaching an agreement over the Gaza Strip.
0:24:10 > 0:24:16I've got an idea. The Israelis have it Monday to Friday, the other lot have it weekends.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18I don't think that'll work.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22- Oh, a Trisha special. - I don't think so.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24No, it's on Channel Five now.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28- Yes.- Musical chairs!
0:24:28 > 0:24:33- How ridiculous? - Oh! She's getting nasty.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Maybe I should just leave? Yeah!
0:24:39 > 0:24:44You should go to Israel, because you are so up on the conflict
0:24:44 > 0:24:45and plainly in love with him.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Oh, dear! I've said it!
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- Sebastian, please. - I hope you have a great time.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54- You're embarrassing yourself. - He's just using you for sex!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08- Unbelievable.- I know.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Uh... Where were we?
0:25:10 > 0:25:16I'd like to make an amendment to...page four, paragraph two.
0:25:16 > 0:25:22- I don't think the Israeli's are going to go for that.- Yes. Yes. Of course, Prime Minister.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25I do love you, Gregory.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37I know, Prime Minister.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53Have you ever tried cross-dressing? I did once for about 30 years,
0:25:53 > 0:25:55but it wasn't really for me.
0:25:56 > 0:26:01Good afternoon. Just a lady out with a baby, that is all.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08- Don't go too far, Jessica. - OK, Mummy.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Good afternoon. Not easy being a young mother, is it?
0:26:11 > 0:26:15- No, it isn't.- How old are yours?
0:26:15 > 0:26:19Jessica's five and Elliot's six months. And yours?
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Oh, um...just gave birth today.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Just a few hours old. Very little baby. Would you like to see her?
0:26:26 > 0:26:27OK, yeah.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29Hello.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Hello!
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Isn't she beautiful?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Yes, she's really quite something.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Hark at us, two young mothers.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46Let's talk about being pregnant and babies and...shit.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Excuse me. I just need to feed mine.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Oh, and me.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00These men, they don't know what we go through.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03What, with the long time it's in your tum-tum,
0:27:03 > 0:27:06and then when it comes out of your looly!
0:27:06 > 0:27:09I have a looly. I am a lady. A lady's looly.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10HE BURPS
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- Got any of them Scotch eggs? - JESSICA: OK, Mummy!
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Please do this properly, baby Flo.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19- When's it my turn to push the pram? - Shh!
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Mummy, why is that man wearing a dress?
0:27:22 > 0:27:27And why is the fat man with a moustache dressed as a baby?
0:27:29 > 0:27:33- Right. I've had enough of this. - Please, baby Flo...
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Forget it!
0:27:35 > 0:27:38They grow up so quickly these days.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Baby Flo!
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Baby Flo!
0:27:44 > 0:27:48If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this programme,
0:27:48 > 0:27:52you may like to know that a special helpline has been set up.
0:27:52 > 0:27:57I think it's 0 something, and then some other numbers.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00There may be a seven in there somewhere, if that's any help.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02You could try.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Subtitles by Nick Harrison for Red Bee Media Ltd