0:00:18 > 0:00:23Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Frankie Boyle!
0:00:33 > 0:00:36CHEERING
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Hello!
0:00:42 > 0:00:44AUDIENCE: Hello!
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Hello and welcome to Live At The Apollo.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50I'm quite surprised that they've let me on as well,
0:00:50 > 0:00:51if that's any comfort.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54HE LAUGHS
0:00:55 > 0:00:57I've got a lovely theatre,
0:00:57 > 0:01:01I've got two fantastic comedians to introduce to you tonight,
0:01:01 > 0:01:03I've got a lovely audience to talk to...
0:01:03 > 0:01:06I looked right into your eyes when I said that, mate. How you doing?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08You have made an effort there, haven't you, man?
0:01:08 > 0:01:13You have made an effort with the Peaky Blinders hairstyle there.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15And it's like putting 26-inch rims
0:01:15 > 0:01:17on a wheelie bin.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25We've got some famous celebrities to talk to tonight.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27And some not-so famous.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Some of the celebrities here tonight,
0:01:29 > 0:01:33when I was researching the show, I had to start their Wikipedia page.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37There are celebrities in here who don't get asked
0:01:37 > 0:01:39to turn on the Christmas lights
0:01:39 > 0:01:40in their own house.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46You're talking about people who are 18 months away
0:01:46 > 0:01:50from being quite a tricky tie-breaker in a pub quiz.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54I'm only kidding. We're got some, er, famous faces in.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Who have we got? We've got Jameela Jamil.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58How you doing, Jameela? You all right?
0:01:58 > 0:02:02It's exciting for me, cos you present the Radio One Chart Show.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06You get to tell the nation what is number one every week.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09And the only way that could be more exciting, I think,
0:02:09 > 0:02:11would be if it was 20 years ago,
0:02:11 > 0:02:12when anybody gave a shit.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Who else have we got? We've got people from Holby, haven't we?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27We've got Hugh Quarshie. Where's Hugh? Hugh, how you doing?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30You're a fantastic actor. You've been in the RSC and everything.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34You've been in Holby for a long time, right, so I have a theory
0:02:34 > 0:02:39that if someone had a heart attack over here, we could whisk you over
0:02:39 > 0:02:41and just suck all of the drama out of the situation.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52We had the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow this year,
0:02:52 > 0:02:54a great choice of venue.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56A place where people think that hepatitis B
0:02:56 > 0:02:57is a vitamin.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I don't really trust these big sporting occasions, you know?
0:03:03 > 0:03:07The Olympics - a lot of that stuff is just for rich people.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Dressage. Yachting.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12I don't remember that at school.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- POSHLY:- Yachting tomorrow class so remember, bring in your boats.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21A lot of people find the Paralympics inspiring.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23I just found it depressing.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24I can't throw a discus
0:03:24 > 0:03:25and I've got arms.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Oscar Pistorius. Pistorius, to me,
0:03:33 > 0:03:36sounds like a spell that Harry Potter would say
0:03:36 > 0:03:37to make your legs drop off.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42When he gets out of jail,
0:03:42 > 0:03:45his next girlfriend is going to get ready in a hurry.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48"I thought you were running a bath?"
0:03:48 > 0:03:50"No, I just threw some dungarees on. Let's go!"
0:03:53 > 0:03:56I hope a jail bully steals his legs,
0:03:56 > 0:03:58walks about being nine foot six.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02I don't like the Commonwealth
0:04:02 > 0:04:04cos the Commonwealth is the old British Empire.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06It's called the Commonwealth because Britain
0:04:06 > 0:04:09stole all those countries' wealth and then went, "Come on!"
0:04:11 > 0:04:14The whole Empire was founded on cocaine.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Everybody was on cocaine. The remedies had cocaine in them.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Queen Victoria was on cocaine.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20And not the shit you take!
0:04:21 > 0:04:23You've never done a line and gone,
0:04:23 > 0:04:24"Let's invade India!"
0:04:31 > 0:04:33We had the referendum up in Scotland.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37It was won by the No Campaign and Alistair Darling.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39I thought it'd be good if when he won,
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Alistair Darling's eyebrows had finally turned into butterflies.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46And he wasn't even able to look surprised about it.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53David Beckham sent the people of Scotland an open letter.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55An open letter because he couldn't work out
0:04:55 > 0:04:56how to get it into the envelope.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02People said that during the campaign that I was anti-English.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04I couldn't be more pro-English.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06I thought the best thing for independence would have been
0:05:06 > 0:05:08if England had won the World Cup.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Cos you would have been so unbearable
0:05:11 > 0:05:12that we would have to leave.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Whatever happens next, I think
0:05:18 > 0:05:20it's important that Scotland does something
0:05:20 > 0:05:24that puts England on the back foot, something that England won't expect.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28And the last thing that you're expecting
0:05:28 > 0:05:30is for us to form an Islamic Caliphate.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36IS - Independent Scotland. We can do this.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40OK, we'll have to learn how to treat women slightly better,
0:05:40 > 0:05:42but we can change.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52I think people don't understand enough
0:05:52 > 0:05:55about international politics, do they?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57In Scotland, people think that Nato
0:05:57 > 0:06:00is just a nickname you give to a guy who lost a foot to diabetes.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07- Keep up. - HE LAUGHS
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Ed Miliband came up for the referendum.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Now I'm going to go out on a limb here
0:06:14 > 0:06:17and say I don't think Ed Miliband will win the election.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Because if he can't persuade his own face to do what he tells it to...
0:06:24 > 0:06:30Ed Miliband said he wanted to militarise the Scottish border.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Can you imagine being a Scottish border guard,
0:06:32 > 0:06:34having to do cavity searches
0:06:34 > 0:06:35just to keep your hands warm.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Holding back the English refugees at Newcastle.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Newcastle being the first city in history
0:06:43 > 0:06:45that turned into a refugee camp,
0:06:45 > 0:06:47and got less mental.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- IN NEWCASTLE ACCENT:- Well, things are actually a lot more civilised
0:06:51 > 0:06:53now that we're ruled over by a horse militia.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Do you know what people in Scotland want?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03What they really want in my experience is they want
0:07:03 > 0:07:08transport to run normally in the winter through three feet of snow.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10That's all they ever moan about -
0:07:10 > 0:07:13"Why isn't this train moving through the snow?"
0:07:13 > 0:07:16But what you really want is for the pilot to come over the intercom
0:07:16 > 0:07:20and go, "Well, I've been told that it's not safe to take off,
0:07:20 > 0:07:22"but I thought, let's give it a go."
0:07:28 > 0:07:31We live in a kind of porn culture now. Don't we?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34You see that thing on porn search engines, where it goes,
0:07:34 > 0:07:36"Make this your home page."
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Who does that?
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Who wakes up in the morning, switches their computer on,
0:07:42 > 0:07:47is confronted with hardcore pornography and thinks,
0:07:47 > 0:07:48"I'm home!"
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Animals don't watch porn, do they?
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Unless you include my cat.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58I think what it's led to...
0:07:58 > 0:08:02It's led to men not really understanding
0:08:02 > 0:08:04what sex is like for women any more.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07I often think it must be more intense
0:08:07 > 0:08:09to let someone inside your body.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11I feel awkward just letting the gas man into the hallway.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17I feel awkward just talking about sex cos I'm so old
0:08:17 > 0:08:22and disgusting I have a body like a dropped lasagne.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26I'm 42 and I now ejaculate with all the force
0:08:26 > 0:08:29of Mary Berry's icing piper.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34I honestly think I'm so old
0:08:34 > 0:08:37that I couldn't even be viewed sexually any more.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I think if I walked down the street
0:08:39 > 0:08:41with my hand down the front of my trousers,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44people would just assume that I was rummaging for a dropped toffee.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49If you get offended by any jokes tonight, by the way,
0:08:49 > 0:08:51feel free to tweet your outrage
0:08:51 > 0:08:54on a mobile phone made by a ten-year-old in China.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Cos that's what Santa Claus does the other 364 days q year.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02He travels round the world
0:09:02 > 0:09:06apologising to all the children who actually make the presents.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08"Sorry about that, Wo Ling Ho.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10"Still, tea break's over. Back to work, son."
0:09:13 > 0:09:17People say that Steve Jobs died too soon.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18But I think it was a fitting metaphor
0:09:18 > 0:09:20for his company's attitude
0:09:20 > 0:09:21to battery life.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31I hope that they buried him in a coffin
0:09:31 > 0:09:33with a great big crack in the lid.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Twitter's good, though, isn't it? I enjoy Twitter.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Before Twitter came along, if I wanted to be called
0:09:44 > 0:09:47a wanker by a stranger, I had to go out for a walk.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Do you know what gets me on Twitter?
0:09:52 > 0:09:56Those wee biogs people have where they put the most banal,
0:09:56 > 0:09:58depressing summations of themselves.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02"Tea drinker, that's me in a nutshell.
0:10:02 > 0:10:07"I like to drink a cup of tea." "Foodie, I eat food."
0:10:07 > 0:10:10I want a burst of honesty in one of those boxes.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13"I was brought up in an atmosphere of such violence that
0:10:13 > 0:10:15"I could never truly love anyone.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20"The only person who loved me I rejected, and during my ensuing
0:10:20 > 0:10:22"mental breakdown, I got a nutcase pregnant.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25"I also drink tea."
0:10:28 > 0:10:32I'd never even understood that Twitter was a bird metaphor,
0:10:32 > 0:10:36even though it's got a bird as the icon and they're called tweets.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I think the reason I'd never worked that out is I've never
0:10:38 > 0:10:41gone to the park and had a little robin redbreast turn round
0:10:41 > 0:10:44in its nest and tell me that it hopes that my kids die
0:10:44 > 0:10:47because I made a joke about Michael Schumacher.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54It was actually a very gentle joke about Michael Schumacher.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56I mean, thank God he's better and everything,
0:10:56 > 0:10:58but at the time I tweeted,
0:10:58 > 0:11:00"The only hope for Michael Schumacher is
0:11:00 > 0:11:04"if his brain is repaired overnight by elves."
0:11:04 > 0:11:08So it was actually a very light-hearted Elves And The Shoemaker joke.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16You can't please all of the people all of the time, can you?
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Some people just get offended by a word!
0:11:19 > 0:11:21They don't want a word in a joke.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25"No, ban that word." I can train a dog to get angry at a word.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27"Rover, Jehovah's witnesses."
0:11:29 > 0:11:32People should be more sophisticated.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Different words mean different things to different people.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38You say Snapchat, I say speed wank.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Then there's the thing called phenomenology.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Phenomenology means that the joke can't take place in my mouth,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49if you think about it, it has to take place in your head,
0:11:49 > 0:11:52so it's often better in your head because you add to it.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53I had this a couple of weeks ago.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55I helped an old guy across the road in Glasgow.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57He went to me, "Help me across the road, son,
0:11:57 > 0:11:59"I've got aids in both ears."
0:12:04 > 0:12:06HE LAUGHS
0:12:08 > 0:12:13Read a thing that said a woman died after drinking 18 litres of Coke.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15She ate a packet of Mentos
0:12:15 > 0:12:17and they found her head three miles away.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Piers Morgan says that women send him knickers through the post.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Presumably with the message,
0:12:27 > 0:12:28"From one twat to another."
0:12:30 > 0:12:33I don't really understand TV, to be honest.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36I don't understand why Ant and Dec go to the jungle every year
0:12:36 > 0:12:40when it's the only place that's hot enough for Ant's head to hatch.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44I don't understand why Alan Sugar looks like
0:12:44 > 0:12:47he's been cleaned out of someone's belly button.
0:12:49 > 0:12:54I'd love to see how big Alan Sugar was if you ironed him.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56HE LAUGHS
0:12:57 > 0:13:01There's a thing that happens to you, I think, in your forties
0:13:01 > 0:13:04as a man where you suddenly realise that you're a dad.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08And not in a good way. You realise that you're a 42-year-old
0:13:08 > 0:13:12father-of-two who says lame dad stuff.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14And you will never be cool again.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18And this happened to me last week. I was in Covent Garden
0:13:18 > 0:13:21and I was trying to cross the road at the traffic lights.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25There was a guy beside me, a beautiful male model.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27A Californian guy. A beautiful man.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31And because he was American, he was looking the wrong way into traffic.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34And he stepped out in front of a moving car.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36And I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back
0:13:36 > 0:13:42onto the pavement and he had no idea how close he'd come to dying.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44And he said, "What was that car's problem?"
0:13:44 > 0:13:45And I went,
0:13:45 > 0:13:48"Look both ways, Zoolander!"
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Do you know what my kids got me for Fathers' Day?
0:13:57 > 0:14:00They got me that shower gel, mint tea tree gel.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02No-one had warned me about that.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I thought my arsehole was going to burst into song!
0:14:14 > 0:14:17They always say, don't they, when you're telling your kids off,
0:14:17 > 0:14:18stay positive.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Don't be too negative. And I agree with that.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22But sometimes you're standing there thinking,
0:14:22 > 0:14:26"I don't see anything positive about this.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27"You have shat on my rug...
0:14:29 > 0:14:31"and I am struggling to find an upside."
0:14:33 > 0:14:35You can't hit your kids, obviously, but there's nothing that says
0:14:35 > 0:14:38that you can't tamper with the brakes on their heelies.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44My son's six now so it's actually quite difficult to punish him.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47What I do is I tuck his bedclothes in really, really tight
0:14:47 > 0:14:48and hope that he has a nightmare
0:14:48 > 0:14:50where he's trapped in a giant's pocket.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57I think it's sad when people medicate their children
0:14:57 > 0:15:00for behavioural problems, when it's so much easier
0:15:00 > 0:15:02to just drug yourself.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06You know the saddest thing?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08You spend the first year teaching them to say Dad.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11"Say Dad, Daddy, Dada."
0:15:11 > 0:15:13And now they're like, "DAAAAD!"
0:15:13 > 0:15:15And I'm like, "Shut up, will you?
0:15:15 > 0:15:16"I'm on Tinder trying to find us a new mum."
0:15:25 > 0:15:30We're bombing Iraq now. We're calling it humanitarian bombing.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33There's no such thing as humanitarian bombing, is there?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36It's always about oil or power. Not humanitarianism.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40That's why you never get stopped by someone in the streets saying,
0:15:40 > 0:15:43"Hi, I'm from Oxfam and for just £12 a month,
0:15:43 > 0:15:45"we could really blow the shit out of something."
0:15:47 > 0:15:49And who are we blowing up? IS?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Remember last year they said, "Oh, we need to bomb Syria.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53"Help the rebels. They're the good guys."
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Who were the rebels? IS.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57The same people. They've gone from being loved
0:15:57 > 0:15:59to hated and despised in a year
0:15:59 > 0:16:02and they haven't even had to win the X Factor to make that happen.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Britain as a culture runs on hypocrisy.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13David Cameron went to Sri Lanka.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17He told the Sri Lankans off for human rights abuses
0:16:17 > 0:16:21that they committed with weapons that Britain sold to them.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Like Ronald McDonald calling you a fat bastard.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29We sent Prince Harry to Afghanistan,
0:16:29 > 0:16:32because when you want to teach people about democracy,
0:16:32 > 0:16:34you send them a prince!
0:16:34 > 0:16:37You teach them about peace and democracy
0:16:37 > 0:16:41by having a prince shoot at them from a helicopter!
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- You ready for your first act, ladies and gentlemen? - CHEERING
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Please, give it up and show a lot of love
0:16:57 > 0:16:59to Aisling Bea!
0:16:59 > 0:17:01APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Hello!
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Hello, The Apollo, are you well?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15CHEERING
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Oh, I'm delighted. I'm delighted to be here, really.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Because I actually haven't been well recently.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21- AUDIENCE: Aw! - Oh, no, stop it.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Honestly, I don't want to talk about it... Er, but if you insist...
0:17:25 > 0:17:28I really haven't, though, so that's why I'm delighted to get here today.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32I was rushed to A & E recently with terrible abdominal problems.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36Just hideous pains all up and down my tummy and around my sides.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40And I was rushed to A & E and for about three hours I thought,
0:17:40 > 0:17:44erm, and anyone here who ever read a magazine as a teenager
0:17:44 > 0:17:46will know what I mean, especially the girls,
0:17:46 > 0:17:50I thought that I was about to have a surprise baby.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54You know the way there's always stories in the magazines going,
0:17:54 > 0:17:57"Well, everything was normal. Nothing was different.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01"Everything was regular but then I went to the toilet
0:18:01 > 0:18:02"and I looked in the toilet
0:18:02 > 0:18:05"and there was a baby in the toilet.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07"I'd had a surprise baby."
0:18:09 > 0:18:11There was always that sort of... And that's what I thought it was.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15But, erm, you'll be happy to know that actually it was, er...
0:18:15 > 0:18:17I'm bringing sexy back,
0:18:17 > 0:18:18a gut infection.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22A gut infection.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25But the worst part of, of the whole situation was
0:18:25 > 0:18:28that the doctor in A & E was really, really handsome.
0:18:30 > 0:18:31And I just... I think
0:18:31 > 0:18:34doctors who are handsome should be struck off, I really do.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Er, I want someone with a sort of mashed potato head
0:18:36 > 0:18:38that I could feel at one with.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40But instead, this man was really handsome. He said to me,
0:18:40 > 0:18:42"Oh, er, what seems to be the problem?"
0:18:42 > 0:18:46And I was like, "Oh... Well, doctor, my problem is that...
0:18:46 > 0:18:48"I'm too cute!
0:18:48 > 0:18:51"Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Chase me! Chase me!"
0:18:52 > 0:18:55How could I tell him that I thought I was having a surprise baby
0:18:55 > 0:18:57or else I was waiting for a poo? I mean, I couldn't, you know.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59"And once we find out which one it is,
0:18:59 > 0:19:02"do you want to go for a drink?"
0:19:02 > 0:19:03It's really quite terrible.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06By the way, you might notice that I talk quite fast
0:19:06 > 0:19:09and if I'm honest, it's not really going to slow down too much
0:19:09 > 0:19:12so you'll have to sort of jump on the Vengabus of enthusiasm
0:19:12 > 0:19:14and beep the horn with this one.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16I think that the reason I talk quite fast is
0:19:16 > 0:19:20because I was brought up in the countryside, in the deepest,
0:19:20 > 0:19:24darkest countryside where there was no-one for miles and miles around.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Just this giant expanse of land with no-one to talk to
0:19:27 > 0:19:28and it was very, very lonely.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30You'd have no-one to speak to during the day.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32A very backwards existence, lads.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Like, our clothes are made of mud...
0:19:35 > 0:19:37..our hats were made of leaves,
0:19:37 > 0:19:40we had no access to things like Pot Noodles,
0:19:40 > 0:19:44we just had to sort of pour boiling water on top of birds' nests
0:19:44 > 0:19:46if we didn't feel like cooking one evening.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50A really backwards existence. And crows everywhere, crows...
0:19:50 > 0:19:52In the city, there's pigeons everywhere
0:19:52 > 0:19:54but in the countryside, there's crows everywhere
0:19:54 > 0:19:57and it makes everything you do seem really ominous.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59You'd open the window and it'd be like, "Bwak! Bwak! Bwak!"
0:19:59 > 0:20:01"Oh, that seems a bit ominous."
0:20:01 > 0:20:04You know, you'd be standing innocently over
0:20:04 > 0:20:05a dead body in a field...
0:20:05 > 0:20:10"Bwak! Bwak! Bwak!" "Oh, God, this seems a bit ominous."
0:20:10 > 0:20:12But the reason that I think I talk quite fast is
0:20:12 > 0:20:15because I'd have no-one to talk to during the day
0:20:15 > 0:20:18and so some days the only person you'd have to talk to
0:20:18 > 0:20:21would be a passing car flying along the road.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25So you had to learn to talk fast if you wanted to talk to anyone. You'd be like...
0:20:25 > 0:20:27- QUICKLY:- "Hi, how's it going?" "Come back and talk to me."
0:20:27 > 0:20:30"Do you like my new dress?" "Stay and be my friend."
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Some days, you'd be waiting for a tractor to come along,
0:20:32 > 0:20:34cos you get more time out of a tractor, you see.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37You get to talk to them for longer. You'd be like, "Hi, how's it going?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40"Do you like Sesame Street? I like it. You do like Sesame Street?
0:20:40 > 0:20:43"Sometimes I think Big Bird might not be a big bird, but he might be a man in a suit.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46I know it sounds bad but I have my suspicions. Goodbye! Come back."
0:20:48 > 0:20:53Also, I talk quite a lot and I don't really notice myself doing it.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56The words come out and I don't see them happening.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58It's a symptom I like to call Secret Talkers,
0:20:58 > 0:21:02which I base on the Channel 4 show Secret Eaters.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04I'm not sure if you've ever seen that programme.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08For those of you who haven't, it's basically, well, someone
0:21:08 > 0:21:12comes along and goes, "Oh, I don't know why I can't lose any weight.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14"All I do all day is eat lettuce,"
0:21:14 > 0:21:17and they put a camera on them then for a week and then
0:21:17 > 0:21:20they go to them afterwards, they go, "Do you know what it is, now?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22"Do you know every time you have lettuce, you have a gateau."
0:21:25 > 0:21:28"Oh, that's probably..." "Yeah, that's probably what it is, yeah."
0:21:30 > 0:21:32But the doctor did get quite worried about me.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35He was like, "Aisling, you're going to have to get out of the house
0:21:35 > 0:21:36"during the day."
0:21:36 > 0:21:38And I was like, "Doc, I'd love to,
0:21:38 > 0:21:42"but my naps are not going to take themselves. Soz."
0:21:43 > 0:21:47Erm, but my, er, my mother was equally worried, she was like,
0:21:47 > 0:21:51"Aisling, try and get out of the house and maybe do some exercise.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54"Build up your strength and your muscle. Do a bit of exercise."
0:21:54 > 0:21:56But I actually find it highly offensive
0:21:56 > 0:21:58that my mother would suggest that I do exercise,
0:21:58 > 0:22:02because she knows that I actually suffer from a terrible disability
0:22:02 > 0:22:04which prevents me from doing any exercise
0:22:04 > 0:22:06which is where I can't, erm...
0:22:06 > 0:22:08I can't, er...
0:22:08 > 0:22:09be arsed!
0:22:09 > 0:22:14I can't be arsed. I really just can't be arsed.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15I just kinda can't be.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17And I would love to be arsed.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19I would love to be one of those people who's naturally arsed
0:22:19 > 0:22:22to do things but I just sort of can't be.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26And, I mean, my disability affects me in so many ways.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Erm, my ability to clean the bottom of the dustbin.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Er, ring my aunties back at Christmas.
0:22:32 > 0:22:37I would love to, but I just sort of can't be arsed to, unfortunately.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39I mean, I just don't like moving too much.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43I would sort of rather sit on the couch and waste away...than move.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46I don't really like moving too much. I don't even listen to sad music
0:22:46 > 0:22:47in case I'll be moved.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:22:50 > 0:22:52And I think the reason that I don't like exercise
0:22:52 > 0:22:55is because the school I went to didn't have much money,
0:22:55 > 0:22:57so the sports facilities weren't great.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01And so a lot of the sort of sport and exercise we used to do,
0:23:01 > 0:23:03used to leave us really, er...
0:23:03 > 0:23:05pregnant. Really pregnant.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08So the habit's just not there.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10It really isn't, and I would love to be...
0:23:10 > 0:23:13I would love to be into exercising and stuff but I just can't be arsed.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15I'll be honest.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Erm, and you know, people... I did get, er, tricked
0:23:17 > 0:23:19into going to a Pilates class,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21because I thought it was pronounced Pilots.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23I was there for about 15 minutes going,
0:23:23 > 0:23:25"I wonder when they're going to let us fly the planes?"
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Er, my friend, Brona, suggested that I do something social
0:23:30 > 0:23:32like ping pong, table tennis.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Ping pong ta... I mean, I just... The ball moves too fast.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38I can never see it. To me, ping pong just looks like two perverts
0:23:38 > 0:23:39spanking a ghost.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Just don't understand it.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46My flatmate Steph is American.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49She's American and she's always doing this thing called running.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Running, has anyone here ever heard of running?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54For those of you who don't know what running is,
0:23:54 > 0:23:56it's something that you would naturally do only
0:23:56 > 0:23:59when you're being chased and I don't understand it.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Steph is always just going for a run.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03She's always just going for a run.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Unless I'm being chased by something terrible,
0:24:05 > 0:24:09there's no natural panic in my legs that makes me want to go any faster
0:24:09 > 0:24:13than this, a sort of whimsical saunter, that's kind of grand by me.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17But Steph's always just heading out the door, going for a run.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- AMERICAN ACCENT:- "Hey, I'm just going to go for a run, go for a run,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23"I'm just going to go for a run." Steph gets such a buzz
0:24:23 > 0:24:26out of going for a run that two days later,
0:24:26 > 0:24:28she'll do it again.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35I'd love to have, like, American-style confidence.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38You know, like... Are there any Americans in?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41- CHEERING - Do you see what I mean?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44"Wah! I'm on my own but I don't care." Look at that, I love that.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46American-style confidence.
0:24:46 > 0:24:51"Whoo-hoo!" Americans just have this confidence from the absolute
0:24:51 > 0:24:53gut of their culture. They just back themselves.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57Americans took men and they sent them as far away as the moon.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59In Ireland, we're like,
0:24:59 > 0:25:02"Jesus, lads, it's a long, long way to Tipperary.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03"That's a long, long way to go.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05"I mean, I don't think we could make it there.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08"I don't think we could make it anywhere."
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Oh, by the way, I'm Irish.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12- CHEERING - Oh!
0:25:12 > 0:25:15The family's in, they must have found somewhere to park the van.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20But, yes, I was going to use it as a surprise reveal at the end
0:25:20 > 0:25:23but no, I'll tell you now, I am actually Irish.
0:25:23 > 0:25:28But, yes, the most confident American I ever did see was
0:25:28 > 0:25:30the rapper Kanye West.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Not to be confused with the Nobel Laureate, Kanye West.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37He did a gig a couple of weeks ago where he was
0:25:37 > 0:25:39so confident that in the middle of his gig,
0:25:39 > 0:25:42he stopped the song and said, "Everybody stand up.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44"Everybody stand up."
0:25:44 > 0:25:47He said it in his own accent, not in an Irish accent, believe it or not.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Kanye West of Ireland.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52But he's like, "Everybody stand up," and he refused to do the song
0:25:52 > 0:25:55until everybody stood up, including two people in wheelchairs.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58You can watch the clip online.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Apparently, he was so confident that even
0:26:00 > 0:26:02the two people in wheelchairs were looking at each other going,
0:26:02 > 0:26:06"I mean, maybe we should just give it a go."
0:26:06 > 0:26:07"Maybe what's been holding us back
0:26:07 > 0:26:09"all this time has been a lack of confidence."
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Do you know what I get a buzz out of?
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Sitting down.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Holler!
0:26:19 > 0:26:20I love sitting down.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23I do, I love sitting down, I even tried to do this gig sitting down
0:26:23 > 0:26:26but they said they couldn't legally classify it as stand-up.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Hi-oh!
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Erm, but, yes, I really do love sitting down.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34You know the way you always hear those stories
0:26:34 > 0:26:37in the tabloids about those men who are found
0:26:37 > 0:26:43sat down in a chair, dead and alone, and they hadn't been found for days
0:26:43 > 0:26:48and they were sat there, covered in their own wee. Oh, no!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50What those stories never mention,
0:26:50 > 0:26:52is the smile on that man's face.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58But my mother, er... My mother said to me, she was like,
0:26:58 > 0:27:02"Aisling, if you don't start doing exercise
0:27:02 > 0:27:05"then you could end up becoming fat-thin."
0:27:07 > 0:27:12And I said, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph and all of his carpenter friends,
0:27:12 > 0:27:15"what is fat-thin?"
0:27:15 > 0:27:17"Oh, Aisling, I read about it in a woman's magazine."
0:27:17 > 0:27:20A women's magazine. The only targets in women's magazines
0:27:20 > 0:27:21are other women.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23"Fat-thin, is where you're thin
0:27:23 > 0:27:28"but you're secretly fat cos you don't do any exercise.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30"You can also be thin-fat, fat-fat,
0:27:30 > 0:27:33thin-thin, too fat, too thin,
0:27:33 > 0:27:35"thin in the wrong place, thin in the right place,
0:27:35 > 0:27:37"fat in the wrong place, fat in the right place,
0:27:37 > 0:27:39"but no matter what you do no, matter what you try,
0:27:39 > 0:27:43"you are definitely wrong!"
0:27:44 > 0:27:47And I said, "Mother, as if I don't have enough problems
0:27:47 > 0:27:50"in my life trying to walk down the street at night and not get raped,
0:27:50 > 0:27:52"trying to live in a society where 25-year-old women
0:27:52 > 0:27:54"are sticking plastic and poison in their faces
0:27:54 > 0:27:56"so by the time they get to their forties and fifties,
0:27:56 > 0:27:58"they've nothing left to do to themselves
0:27:58 > 0:28:01"but pull out their eyeballs and stick babies' eyeballs in instead.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04"We live in a world where it's a tragedy to die young
0:28:04 > 0:28:06"so we're all pumped full of stuff to make us live longer
0:28:06 > 0:28:09"but no-one wants to do anything as unnatural as look older.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12"'Oh, no, wouldn't that be mad to look older and be older?'
0:28:12 > 0:28:14"So we're all pumped full of stuff to make us live longer
0:28:14 > 0:28:16"but we look younger so by the time we die aged 100 in a box
0:28:16 > 0:28:18"we look like we've died tragically young.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21"We live in a world where they have developed telephones,
0:28:21 > 0:28:24"without plugs that can send a picture of a cat
0:28:24 > 0:28:27"from one side of the world to the other side of the world
0:28:27 > 0:28:28"in under a second
0:28:28 > 0:28:31"and they are still trying to come up with faster telephones,
0:28:31 > 0:28:33"yet still after 200,000 years of humanity,
0:28:33 > 0:28:36"we have not come up with a better way to have a baby child
0:28:36 > 0:28:40"than to push something the size of a bowling ball
0:28:40 > 0:28:43"out my tiny hole!
0:28:43 > 0:28:46"And now I have to worry about being fat-thin?!"
0:28:49 > 0:28:51I said, "Go shove it up your floop, Mother!"
0:28:53 > 0:28:56I didn't actually tell my mother
0:28:56 > 0:28:57to go and shove it up her floop.
0:28:59 > 0:29:00Erm...
0:29:00 > 0:29:02I agreed to go to a Zumba class.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06Ladies and gentlemen, you've been absolutely lovely,
0:29:06 > 0:29:08I've been Aisling Bea. Have a fantastic evening!
0:29:14 > 0:29:15Give it up for Aisling!
0:29:15 > 0:29:17CHEERING
0:29:21 > 0:29:23Now I know what you're thinking, English people.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26You're thinking, "I'd like an English voice to come on
0:29:26 > 0:29:30"so I could stop translating your Scottish accent in my head
0:29:30 > 0:29:32"before I got the jokes."
0:29:32 > 0:29:34Er, you're in for a treat, ladies and gentlemen,
0:29:34 > 0:29:36please welcome a very funny and very dry English comedian,
0:29:36 > 0:29:39Mr Simon Evans!
0:29:39 > 0:29:42CHEERING
0:29:47 > 0:29:48Thank you.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52Thank you very much. Good evening. How are you, you well?
0:29:52 > 0:29:54CHEERING
0:29:54 > 0:29:56Delighted to be here, I really am.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59I should explain one thing before I go any further,
0:29:59 > 0:30:01I am not a very mobile comedian.
0:30:01 > 0:30:04I'm aware I've got a large stage and a very large auditorium
0:30:04 > 0:30:08and yet I will not be addressing the extremities of the front row
0:30:08 > 0:30:11to any degree whatsoever. I do apologise, it's nothing personal.
0:30:11 > 0:30:15I actually have a medical condition which warrants this immobility.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18I went to see a doctor about it quite recently. Indian chap.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22Well, they called it Indian chap, it's just nappy rash, really,
0:30:22 > 0:30:23but it's...
0:30:25 > 0:30:27I'll tell you a little bit about myself.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30I'm 49 years of age. I live on the south coast with my wife
0:30:30 > 0:30:34of 14 years - that's the period in which we've been married, obviously.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40Best to make that absolutely clear in the current climate.
0:30:42 > 0:30:44I met my wife about 14 years ago.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46We got married quite quickly,
0:30:46 > 0:30:48unfortunately we left it too late to have children.
0:30:48 > 0:30:50But we went ahead and had them anyway,
0:30:50 > 0:30:52which was a mistake in my view, but there we are.
0:30:53 > 0:30:57Couple of children. We've had... We've had an interesting trajectory,
0:30:57 > 0:30:59through the British Isles. I met my wife...
0:30:59 > 0:31:02I'd just bought my first flat - it was just north of King's Cross,
0:31:02 > 0:31:04rather disreputable area in north London.
0:31:04 > 0:31:08Famous red-light district. And it was true, we had prostitutes
0:31:08 > 0:31:10right outside our own front door which is...
0:31:10 > 0:31:12handy, some of you are thinking.
0:31:13 > 0:31:17But, believe me, you don't want to shit on your own doorstep.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20Which is a service they offer, incidentally, and, er...
0:31:23 > 0:31:26I was shocked, to be honest, by how brazen they were.
0:31:26 > 0:31:28I suppose you have to be in that line of work,
0:31:28 > 0:31:31but I came out of my door one day, a woman came up to me and said,
0:31:31 > 0:31:33"You looking for business, love?"
0:31:33 > 0:31:35I was quite clearly dressed for tennis.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38It was embarrassing, but then she's plucked up the courage to make
0:31:38 > 0:31:41the first move and I'm a gentleman, so it's a difficult situation.
0:31:44 > 0:31:47They were a distraction to tradesmen as well. I remember very clearly...
0:31:47 > 0:31:49I ordered plasterers in to do the place up
0:31:49 > 0:31:51when we were trying to sell it.
0:31:51 > 0:31:53Well, I looked in the Yellow Pages for plasterers, I think
0:31:53 > 0:31:56I may have ordered piss-takers by mistake.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59They would be next to each other alphabetically, I assume, and...
0:31:59 > 0:32:01400 quid a day for what is essentially
0:32:01 > 0:32:03glorified cake decoration.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07Spent most of that time sitting on the front wall chatting up
0:32:07 > 0:32:10prostitutes and talking about somebody called Rigsby,
0:32:10 > 0:32:12as if I'm supposed not to guess who they're talking about.
0:32:14 > 0:32:16Few of you remember that.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19I've been told throughout most of my life I resemble Leonard Rossiter
0:32:19 > 0:32:21when I speak. I don't know if it's true, I have one or two...
0:32:21 > 0:32:24I get it a lot, you do when you're a stand-up comedian.
0:32:24 > 0:32:27I've heard one or two more flattering ones, one woman told her I reminded
0:32:27 > 0:32:29her of Ralph Fiennes, another that I reminded her of Sting,
0:32:29 > 0:32:32who is a twat, but a handsome twat, so I'll take it.
0:32:33 > 0:32:37Within a week, somebody else had told me I reminded them of Sandi Toksvig.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42Shortly after that, I began to experiment with the beard,
0:32:42 > 0:32:43but, erm...
0:32:46 > 0:32:49It's interesting. I mean, I quite like gritty, urban areas,
0:32:49 > 0:32:52to be honest. It makes your own life seem quite desirable by comparison.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54King's Cross certainly fitted that bill.
0:32:54 > 0:32:56A lot of homeless people on the streets,
0:32:56 > 0:33:00or possibly just outdoor lager enthusiasts. But they seemed to be...
0:33:00 > 0:33:02very committed to it if they did have a home to go to.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06As a rule, I don't want to tar them all with the same brush,
0:33:06 > 0:33:08although if you sleep on the road
0:33:08 > 0:33:09that will happen sooner or later but...
0:33:11 > 0:33:14I do think it's a bit ironic the favourite drink of the homeless
0:33:14 > 0:33:16should be a beer called Tennent's.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20That must rankle, mustn't it?
0:33:24 > 0:33:26The trick is, as it is with all commerce, of course,
0:33:26 > 0:33:28is to make people think they're buying into a lifestyle
0:33:28 > 0:33:31they can't really afford and we all fall for it at every station in life.
0:33:31 > 0:33:34I myself, I recently bought myself a divers' watch.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36Ridiculous affectation. I have no need for it.
0:33:36 > 0:33:39It's covered in dials, good for up to 100 metres of water pressure.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41It's got a shark-resistant strap.
0:33:42 > 0:33:44I think to be honest, if all he wants is your watch,
0:33:44 > 0:33:46it's probably best to let him have it, really.
0:33:48 > 0:33:51I'm no expert but they're fairly ferocious negotiators, aren't they,
0:33:51 > 0:33:52the old sharks?
0:33:52 > 0:33:56I think only a fool would allow an argument to escalate over a watch.
0:33:57 > 0:34:00"Can't seem to bite through this. I know, I'll try the arm."
0:34:03 > 0:34:06I don't know. Never faced a shark. The only diving I ever do,
0:34:06 > 0:34:08it's considered very bad manners to check your watch.
0:34:13 > 0:34:17Must admit, the luminous dial has come in handy but that's...
0:34:17 > 0:34:19That's more coincidence than planning.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23If I'm 100 metres deep, I'm getting out of there, which of course...
0:34:24 > 0:34:27..is unlikely to happen cos I'm a happily married man,
0:34:27 > 0:34:30so let's be clear that that's an entirely hypothetical scenario.
0:34:33 > 0:34:36I am happily married and I made a good choice of wife.
0:34:36 > 0:34:38She actually moved in as a lodger initially.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40I remember it was about 13, 14 years ago.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43My wife moved in as a lodger.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45And one week the rent fell a bit short and one thing led to another
0:34:45 > 0:34:47and, er...
0:34:49 > 0:34:52There we were, in a dance as old as time.
0:34:52 > 0:34:55That's what you had to do in the days before internet dating, you see,
0:34:55 > 0:34:56set a bit of a honey trap.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01"Cash point at this time of night around here?
0:35:01 > 0:35:02"I shouldn't think so, no..."
0:35:07 > 0:35:08But it was wonderful, to be honest,
0:35:08 > 0:35:10it was a lovely time. It was a golden age.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12You don't always know you're living through them
0:35:12 > 0:35:15but looking back I remembered she was very accommodating.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17My job isn't the easiest for somebody to accommodate.
0:35:17 > 0:35:18I'd get home late at night,
0:35:18 > 0:35:21but she'd be waiting with a bottle of wine, that was nice.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23Sunday mornings she'd let me have a lie-in.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25We might share a pot of coffee over the Sunday papers
0:35:25 > 0:35:29then walk hand in hand through a craft market, something like that.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31Looking back, it sounds a bit shit, I realise, but...
0:35:32 > 0:35:38..at the time, filtered through the haze of romantic infatuation,
0:35:38 > 0:35:40it seemed very agreeable, so I proposed and she accepted.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43We got married. She said, "Let's start a family."
0:35:43 > 0:35:46I said, "Of course, darling." Because I didn't think it through.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49Next thing you know, you're running a small, badly-funded
0:35:49 > 0:35:51correctional facility together, aren't you?
0:35:52 > 0:35:54That's all it is.
0:35:54 > 0:35:57However much various commercial organisations dress it up.
0:35:58 > 0:36:01Imagine you started a small business with somebody.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03It goes well. You move into profit. You open a second branch.
0:36:03 > 0:36:05Everything is going swimmingly.
0:36:05 > 0:36:07Suddenly one day, they turn to you and say, "This is good.
0:36:07 > 0:36:10"What do you say we get a troupe of baboons in to run the post room?
0:36:13 > 0:36:17"That's the equivalent. Let's see how that goes."
0:36:19 > 0:36:20I'm sorry, I can't pretend otherwise.
0:36:20 > 0:36:23I resent their presence in my life. I do. They are...
0:36:24 > 0:36:27They are nice enough kids,
0:36:27 > 0:36:28objectively,
0:36:28 > 0:36:30but why do they have to live with me? It makes no sense at all.
0:36:33 > 0:36:35And I refuse to feel guilty about these observations.
0:36:35 > 0:36:38For most of recorded history, my views have held sway.
0:36:38 > 0:36:39You look at the Victorian era
0:36:39 > 0:36:41when most of the important parts of London were built,
0:36:41 > 0:36:44when we used to double our GDP every three years
0:36:44 > 0:36:46and held dominion over dozens of other nations to which
0:36:46 > 0:36:51we had no legitimate claim whatsoever through sheer force of will and guns.
0:36:51 > 0:36:55Partly because it was understood across all sections of society,
0:36:55 > 0:36:58children are a nuisance until they are a resource.
0:36:58 > 0:37:00This was the primary governing
0:37:00 > 0:37:02philosophy of parenting, if you like.
0:37:02 > 0:37:05If you had money, you sent them away to be educated far away.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07They were sent to a boarding school or whatever it was.
0:37:07 > 0:37:09Most of the year, they'd come home for about
0:37:09 > 0:37:12three days at Christmas time, be looked after by a governess.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14You weren't formally introduced to your son
0:37:14 > 0:37:16until he was at least 12 years of age,
0:37:16 > 0:37:18could carry on a decent conversation about foreign
0:37:18 > 0:37:21policy at the dinner table instead of endlessly informing you as to
0:37:21 > 0:37:23whether or not he likes effing peas on this occasion.
0:37:26 > 0:37:29No, these are not the ways we parent now.
0:37:29 > 0:37:31Having children has a massive impact on your life.
0:37:31 > 0:37:34We're through the worst of it now, but I remember very clearly...
0:37:35 > 0:37:37The worst of it...
0:37:37 > 0:37:40I remember when Matilda was about three and Edward was nothing.
0:37:40 > 0:37:43Edward was nothing, as indeed Matilda was for an entire year
0:37:43 > 0:37:45and I never shied away from saying as much, either.
0:37:45 > 0:37:48It's three months, two days and four hours - ridiculous.
0:37:48 > 0:37:49He's nothing.
0:37:51 > 0:37:52It's a logical fact.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54He's yet to be one, therefore he's nothing.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56He's not a fraction, is he, for God's sake?
0:37:57 > 0:37:59People get offended by that.
0:37:59 > 0:38:02We were living in Brixton at the time, I remember
0:38:02 > 0:38:05social services were informed on one occasion.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07We lived in Brixton, so they didn't come, but they...
0:38:10 > 0:38:12..they sent us a leaflet.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16Two, actually, one on parenting and one on numeracy, but...
0:38:17 > 0:38:18Just in case.
0:38:20 > 0:38:22But when they were young, life was intolerable.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24There was a TV show on at the time, it was a few years ago now,
0:38:24 > 0:38:27Calum Best, well-known playboy and bon viveur.
0:38:27 > 0:38:29Self-diagnosed sex addict, Calum Best.
0:38:29 > 0:38:32They often are self-diagnosed, you find.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34But he was taken seriously by MTV, at any rate.
0:38:34 > 0:38:36He was challenged by MTV to see
0:38:36 > 0:38:41if he could go without sex for 36 days, I think it was, and the cameras
0:38:41 > 0:38:46would track him as he attempted this superhuman feat of self-deprivation.
0:38:46 > 0:38:4936 days he would wander, Jesus-like, in the sexual wilderness.
0:38:49 > 0:38:50No doubt many of his fans were anxious.
0:38:50 > 0:38:54All I could think was, "If going without sex for 36 days is worth
0:38:54 > 0:38:55"his own TV show, my sex life is
0:38:55 > 0:38:58"worth its own effing channel right now."
0:38:59 > 0:39:01I go 36 days between wanks. Even those...
0:39:01 > 0:39:05are rarely completed on the first attempt before somebody is
0:39:05 > 0:39:08hammering at the bathroom door, wants a nappy changed or some nonsense.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13I'm getting a shed, nice little garden potting shed.
0:39:13 > 0:39:16My grandfather had one, I never saw the appeal, but I get it now.
0:39:19 > 0:39:21The convenient masking aroma of the compost...
0:39:24 > 0:39:27..handy little pots...
0:39:27 > 0:39:30spiders' webs for target practice. And I've got one now as well.
0:39:32 > 0:39:34I have, I have secured my shed.
0:39:35 > 0:39:37It's important to keep the kids out of it, obviously,
0:39:37 > 0:39:40but the trick to doing that is not to forbid them from going in there,
0:39:40 > 0:39:43it's to actually threaten them WITH the shed.
0:39:43 > 0:39:45That works much more successfully, I've discovered.
0:39:45 > 0:39:48I actually call it the ghost shed and at birthdays and so on,
0:39:48 > 0:39:50I lock a child in there and it starts to get dark after
0:39:50 > 0:39:53a couple of hours and they get really quite spooked out. It's marvellous.
0:39:54 > 0:39:57I've also told them about the Fox, who I've told them
0:39:57 > 0:39:58has made his home in the shed.
0:39:58 > 0:40:01It's a fairly obvious fiction, there is no Fox.
0:40:01 > 0:40:04It's not the most inventive name I could have come up with
0:40:04 > 0:40:06for an escaped psychopath and child catcher,
0:40:06 > 0:40:10but it works and if they do get in there, that will at least explain
0:40:10 > 0:40:13the old pile of whisky bottles and pornography that they find, so...
0:40:15 > 0:40:17But I try and be young.
0:40:17 > 0:40:20I try and be young for the children. I allowed a dog into our house.
0:40:20 > 0:40:24About a year ago, not just for the day, I mean we bought a dog.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27I'm not that harsh. It was against my inclinations, I have to say,
0:40:27 > 0:40:31to be honest, but, er, 12 months on and I wish we'd done it years ago.
0:40:31 > 0:40:33Because then it might be dead by now.
0:40:37 > 0:40:39It has been without doubt the most catastrophic decision,
0:40:39 > 0:40:42but this is my wife's doing again. My wife is very pro-active.
0:40:42 > 0:40:43She likes to see things happen.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46She is adventurous and she likes to take on projects.
0:40:46 > 0:40:47She went to Trail Finders, I think,
0:40:47 > 0:40:50and came back with a brochure entitled The Parks.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52A huge thing, about an inch thick.
0:40:52 > 0:40:54Detailing all the amusement parks you can visit in Florida
0:40:54 > 0:40:57if you're so minded. You've seen the advertisements on the television.
0:40:57 > 0:40:58I was watching one with my wife.
0:40:58 > 0:41:00Two children, about the same age as ours,
0:41:00 > 0:41:03little tears of joy and wonder springing in their eyes
0:41:03 > 0:41:06as they gazed up at the fireworks exploding over the princess castle.
0:41:06 > 0:41:09My wife turned to me and said, not as you might expect,
0:41:09 > 0:41:11"Christ, will you look at that shit? Can you believe it?"
0:41:12 > 0:41:15Unaccountably, she said, "You know, our kids would love that,
0:41:15 > 0:41:17"but they're getting to the age where it would be perfect.
0:41:17 > 0:41:19"Soon it will be too late. Matilda will be a teenager.
0:41:19 > 0:41:21"There will be sarcasm and eye rolling.
0:41:21 > 0:41:24"If you want to give them that experience, it's now or never."
0:41:24 > 0:41:26And I thought, "Great, so never is an option, right?"
0:41:29 > 0:41:32But it turns out, no. In fact, that was a rhetorical device.
0:41:33 > 0:41:35The correct answer is now.
0:41:35 > 0:41:38I thought, "Well, this doesn't look like my cup of tea
0:41:38 > 0:41:39"but the kids will love it, I suppose.
0:41:39 > 0:41:41"How bad can it be, really?
0:41:41 > 0:41:43"It'll be no worse than visiting a fairground
0:41:43 > 0:41:44"on an uncomfortably hot day
0:41:44 > 0:41:48"and chucking four grand in a bin on the way out." That's roughly...
0:41:48 > 0:41:50That's roughly what I was braced for.
0:41:55 > 0:41:57In reality, it is actually far worse than that.
0:42:01 > 0:42:04More like eight grand, by the time we were finished.
0:42:04 > 0:42:06But also the heat, the humidity, the confusion, the jet lag,
0:42:06 > 0:42:08which I hadn't factored in, my general state,
0:42:08 > 0:42:10my mood was not a good one.
0:42:10 > 0:42:13I remember it was on about the fourth day in some un-nameable park
0:42:13 > 0:42:15and I was really about to lose my rag with some furry-faced idiot
0:42:15 > 0:42:18who I didn't even recognise from any movie I've ever seen,
0:42:18 > 0:42:21who'd allowed me to stand in the wrong queue for half an hour,
0:42:21 > 0:42:24when I felt a little tug at my sleeve and I looked down
0:42:24 > 0:42:27and there was my son, Edward, four years of age as he was at that time,
0:42:27 > 0:42:29and he looked up at me and he had tears sparkling in his eyes,
0:42:29 > 0:42:31just like in the advert.
0:42:31 > 0:42:32And he looked up at me and he said, "Daddy...
0:42:33 > 0:42:35"..this is bollocks."
0:42:39 > 0:42:42It makes my heart swell even telling you the story now.
0:42:42 > 0:42:45I'm not sure it wasn't worth eight grand just to have it confirmed.
0:42:47 > 0:42:50It's a DNA test with a bit of polish on it, that was.
0:42:50 > 0:42:53That's all from me, folks. You've been a wonderful audience.
0:42:53 > 0:42:55Thanks very much indeed. Take care. Thank you, good night!
0:42:55 > 0:42:57CHEERING
0:43:03 > 0:43:05Mr Simon Evans there, ladies and gentlemen!
0:43:05 > 0:43:07CHEERING
0:43:10 > 0:43:12Thank you. You've been a fantastic crowd.
0:43:12 > 0:43:15Let's hear it for the two acts we saw, for Aisling and for Simon!
0:43:15 > 0:43:18CHEERING
0:43:18 > 0:43:21You all take care of yourselves, Britain.