0:00:18 > 0:00:20Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:20 > 0:00:25please welcome your host for tonight - Danny Bhoy!
0:00:25 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:35APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Hello! Welcome to Live At The Apollo.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43CHEERING
0:00:43 > 0:00:45This is a big room for comedy.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49The room is very important in comedy.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52I did a show about six months ago in a tent -
0:00:52 > 0:00:54not like a tent with the zip and the um...
0:00:54 > 0:00:57LAUGHTER
0:00:57 > 0:01:00That would be a bit weird, aye. Just the two of ya. Aye, come in.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Sit down, turn off your phones. Right, here we go.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08No, I mean like a marquee, that's it.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10And the audience was 360 degrees around me.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Which is quite, you know, difficult,
0:01:14 > 0:01:18because you feel quite paranoid - well, not paranoid,
0:01:18 > 0:01:22that would be a bad personality trait for a comedian, wouldn't it?
0:01:22 > 0:01:24"What are you laughing at?"
0:01:24 > 0:01:25LAUGHTER
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Awkward is the word I was looking for so I did the whole thing
0:01:31 > 0:01:36and the next morning I looked in the newspapers for reviews,
0:01:36 > 0:01:41and I found a review that opened with, opened with the line,
0:01:41 > 0:01:46"Danny Bhoy moved around the stage like a kebab on a spit."
0:01:46 > 0:01:49LAUGHTER
0:01:52 > 0:01:53That's a bit racist, isn't it?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55LAUGHTER
0:01:56 > 0:02:00I read an article with Miley Cyrus recently.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Not WITH her...she wasn't there.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07Have you finished that page, Miley? Can I just...can I...?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Just let me know... Really?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11That's sore. Is it sore?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15She was talking,
0:02:15 > 0:02:18she was talking about her demons, right?
0:02:18 > 0:02:22Now famous people have demons, eh?
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Those lot have problems.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Demons, problems, demons.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31One of her demons,
0:02:31 > 0:02:35she was saying in this article, was er, tequila.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Little old tequila.
0:02:37 > 0:02:43She says, "Some mornings I wake up with half a bottle of tequila in my hand and I can't remember anything."
0:02:44 > 0:02:45And I am reading this and thinking,
0:02:45 > 0:02:50"Look, I don't want to belittle your demons but that's not a tequila problem."
0:02:50 > 0:02:54Johnny Cash used to wake up with an empty
0:02:54 > 0:02:57packet of salt in his hand... That's a tequila problem, right?
0:02:57 > 0:03:01LAUGHTER
0:03:02 > 0:03:04That is a tequila problem.
0:03:04 > 0:03:10Half a kilo of lemon rind strewed all over the bed sheets.
0:03:10 > 0:03:17"I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel."
0:03:19 > 0:03:22It is a great song that... The lyrics in that -
0:03:22 > 0:03:25"I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel.
0:03:25 > 0:03:30"I focused on the pain, the only thing that's real."
0:03:30 > 0:03:31Holy shit.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35When he finished writing that, he must have put his pen down
0:03:35 > 0:03:37and just gone, "Well, no-one is covering that.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43"I ain't seeing no royalties from that one."
0:03:43 > 0:03:45That is all Johnny and no cash.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Now, as a disclaimer to that joke - I was doing that
0:03:52 > 0:03:55joke at the Edinburgh Festival this year.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58And I found out that Johnny Cash didn't write Hurt.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02He covered it.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07How do I know this?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Well, because one guy was so incensed,
0:04:10 > 0:04:14so enraged that I'd made this suggestion
0:04:14 > 0:04:19that he found me on every single social media platform
0:04:19 > 0:04:20you can possibly imagine,
0:04:20 > 0:04:23all night long, every hour, on the hour,
0:04:23 > 0:04:29"You prick, you dick, it wasn't Johnny Cash that wrote Hurt, you ignorant prick,
0:04:29 > 0:04:35"it was Trent Raznor from Nine Inch Nails, right, so get your facts straight, you bloody dick."
0:04:37 > 0:04:39"You're a dick and you're a prick - get it right."
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Every hour - ping, there he is again -
0:04:45 > 0:04:50"You prick, it was bloody Trent Raznor from Nine Inch Nails.
0:04:50 > 0:04:55"It wasn't Johnny Cash, it wasn't Johnny Cash. He didn't write Hurt."
0:04:57 > 0:04:58How can anyone get that angry?
0:05:00 > 0:05:03So I have kept the joke in just to annoy him, right?
0:05:03 > 0:05:06LAUGHTER
0:05:06 > 0:05:07That's what I do.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14And if you're watching...
0:05:14 > 0:05:17LAUGHTER Calm down. It's all good, huh?
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Do you know, my favourite food is canapes.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Oh, I love canapes.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29Canapes is the French word for...
0:05:29 > 0:05:30hors d'oeuvres.
0:05:33 > 0:05:39I love canapes, but the only problem with canapes is you only find them at parties, right?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42And they're almost counterproductive to the party atmosphere,
0:05:42 > 0:05:45cos the whole idea of a party is you're supposed to be mingling and meeting people.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47"Hello, how are you?"
0:05:47 > 0:05:51But you can't concentrate if there's canapes in the room.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Those silver trays of treats being taken around.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58"Oh, you've..." Oh!
0:06:02 > 0:06:05I mean, you're in a conversation because you have to be.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06"Oh, yes, that's interesting.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08"Oh, he's five now, is he? That's fascinating."
0:06:13 > 0:06:16"Oh, they're new. They're new. Huh, sorry?"
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Cos you've always got to keep one eye on the canapes, haven't you?
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Cos you don't want to miss your turn.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26That's a horrible feeling.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29When you're talking to some prick about schools.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32"Yeah, public or private, that's the thing, isn't it?"
0:06:32 > 0:06:33Oh, for f...
0:06:33 > 0:06:34Shut up!
0:06:37 > 0:06:40That's the mini beef Wellingtons! We've just...
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Cos you, bloody...
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Shut up when the canapes arrive, you prick.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49That's... They're the best ones, mini beef Wellingtons.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Just shut up when the canapes arrive.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54It's the only reason we're here.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56I don't give a shit what school your kid goes to.
0:06:58 > 0:07:03Some mini beef wellingtons, gone.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Cos you can't chase a canape.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Can't do that undignified walk, you know, that's...
0:07:10 > 0:07:11"Sorry.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15"Sorry. He was talking so I missed...
0:07:15 > 0:07:17"Can I just get the...? Sorry, can I just get the...?"
0:07:23 > 0:07:27The other thing with canapes is, and you know this,
0:07:27 > 0:07:31you've always got to act surprised when they come.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Don't you?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37You have to do, "Oh! I didn't...! Oh!"
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Because that's the rules.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44You can't wait for canapes.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46You can't just stand there at a party, like that. You can't.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53"Yeah, good, good. On you go."
0:07:53 > 0:07:56You've got to pretend to be in a conversation.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59"Yes, that's very... Oh, she's 11 now? Well, that is...
0:07:59 > 0:08:02"Oh! I didn't know! I didn't know there was going to be food.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04"Did you know there was going to be food?
0:08:04 > 0:08:07"I had no idea. There's food. Look at that, that's great. Food! Oh!
0:08:07 > 0:08:10"What a lovely surprise."
0:08:10 > 0:08:15You're not surprised - you've been tracking the bloody thing for 20 minutes.
0:08:15 > 0:08:20You know every stop it's made, and how many have been taken.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23You're making the mental calculations in your head.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27OK. We should be all right with the sausage rolls. They've just come out.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Not sure about the vol-au-vents and the quiche.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32This guy's been really greedy, this guy.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Honestly, he better not eat too many of those quiche.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Well, we've obviously missed the mini beef wellingtons cos you...
0:08:39 > 0:08:43But we're going to be all right with the ham and the cheese. And here they come now.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45"So, anyway, anyway, school... Ooh!
0:08:46 > 0:08:49"I didn't know there was going to be food!"
0:08:57 > 0:09:00A lot of things have changed in the last 20 years.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04Some of the older people in the room will be able to identify with what I'm about to tell you.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Getting your hair cut nowadays is very different from when I was a kid.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11When I was a kid... Well, I grew up in a small Scottish village.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14There was only one hairdresser and you'd go in on a Saturday morning
0:09:14 > 0:09:18and get your hair cut by a woman with no formal training, right?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Just a pair of scissors and a dream.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30And she would hack away at your head for an hour
0:09:30 > 0:09:33and then give you some plasters and a lollipop.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36And that was the way things were.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37It's all changed now.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41I went into a salon a couple of weeks ago and I said, "Can I get my hair cut?"
0:09:41 > 0:09:44She said, "Well, we can fit you in right now."
0:09:44 > 0:09:46I said, "That's fantastic."
0:09:46 > 0:09:48She said, "Yeah, I just need you to fill out this form."
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Why? Why am I filling out a form?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56She said, "Well, I need to book the appointment."
0:09:56 > 0:09:59"Ah, but we booked it. I'm here. I turned up."
0:09:59 > 0:10:02She said, "No, but I still need to create a profile."
0:10:02 > 0:10:04"But you don't. That's the great thing about it.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06"You don't need to know anything about me.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09"You don't need to know my name, my address.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11"Has there been a history of hair in my family?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13"You don't need to know.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16"All you need to know is that this is too long.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19"Snippy-snippy, cut-cut. This bit here.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21"Snippy-snippy, cut-cut."
0:10:23 > 0:10:27She said, "No, I still need you to fill out the form."
0:10:27 > 0:10:29I said, "Give me the form."
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Ten questions!
0:10:30 > 0:10:36If you were to ask me to devise a questionnaire for someone who's about to get their hair cut,
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I would struggle after two questions.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Number one: Do you have hair?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Number two: Do you need it cut?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Snippy-snippy, cut-cut.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Ten questions.
0:10:49 > 0:10:54Question number one: How did you hear about our salon?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Everyone wants to know how you heard about them nowadays.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01It's not enough that you're there. They want to know your source.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04The worst one is East Coast trains.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Yeah? On their online booking form - always makes me laugh -
0:11:08 > 0:11:11"How did you hear about our train service?"
0:11:11 > 0:11:12What do you mean, how did I hear about it?
0:11:12 > 0:11:16The Industrial Revolution, that's how I heard about it!
0:11:18 > 0:11:22I seem to vaguely remember there's a train that goes from Edinburgh to London. Has that changed?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Do you think this is a revelation to me?
0:11:29 > 0:11:34Do you think I'm flicking through a newspaper, just idly looking...
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Oh! What the Dickens is this?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42A train?
0:11:43 > 0:11:47That goes from Edinburgh to London?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49What witchcraft do you speak of?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Chester, prepare my horse!
0:11:53 > 0:11:56To Waverley we must go, to debunk this myth!
0:11:59 > 0:12:03How did you hear about our trains? And it's all options.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06These are your options of how you heard about us.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09The internet.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12A friend.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Who's ticking that box?
0:12:14 > 0:12:21A friend? Did a friend tell you about the train?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Was it a friend? Was it a friend? Was it?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Was it one of your friends? Was it?
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Is it a friend that told you about the choo-choo, the train?
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Who's ticking that? I don't even know how that conversation would go.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39You're at a party, you know.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45"Danny.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48"Come here.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53"Just come here.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55"Walk with me, Danny. Walk with me.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03"Danny, we've been friends a while, now.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09"There's not a lot I don't tell you.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12"Obviously some things I've been holding back.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15"It seems now's the right time, as good a time as any, and...
0:13:17 > 0:13:21"I know I should've told you this earlier, but, um...
0:13:23 > 0:13:24"Danny, there's a train."
0:13:29 > 0:13:32"A what?" "You heard."
0:13:32 > 0:13:34"A metal horse, if you will.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37"I know I should've told you earlier, I simply know it.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39"But... Oh! I didn't know there was going to be food!
0:13:39 > 0:13:41"Did you know there was...?"
0:13:49 > 0:13:50I don't know.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54I just don't like any of that,
0:13:54 > 0:13:58any of that trying to gather information from of you all the time.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01E-mail is the worst. I bought pants the other day. Pants.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04And I got to the checkout and she said, "Is it just pants?"
0:14:04 > 0:14:06I said, "Yes." She said, "What's your e-mail?"
0:14:08 > 0:14:12I said, "No, just the pants." "Yeah, what's your e-mail?"
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I'm buying pants!
0:14:15 > 0:14:20What part of this transaction suggests to you that I think we should stay in touch?!
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Otherwise I would've asked in the shop, wouldn't I?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26"Excuse me, sir, these pants,
0:14:26 > 0:14:29"do they come with any kind of ongoing internet support?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32"Maybe some sort of lasting e-mail friendship?"
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Don't like all that.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39When you get to the checkout, that's it. That should be the end of it.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43It's like, I bought a toaster the other day. £14.99. And I splashed out.
0:14:44 > 0:14:49When I got there she said, "Do you want to take out an extended warranty on this?"
0:14:49 > 0:14:53"Why?" She said, "Well, it's only covered for a year. And then you're on your own."
0:14:55 > 0:14:57"Oh, I'll take my chances, thanks very much.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59"I live life on the edge."
0:15:00 > 0:15:03And then she said, "Well, it just gives you that extra peace of mind."
0:15:04 > 0:15:07I think you have a very misconstrued idea of what I worry about.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Do you think I'm waking up, a year from now, in the middle of the night, sweating?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16"That toaster could go at any moment.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19"You can't live like this, Danny, you are a fool to yourself.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21"Take out the warranty, man!
0:15:24 > 0:15:27"And that blender has only got another week!"
0:15:29 > 0:15:33Anyway, look, let's just get back to the...
0:15:33 > 0:15:35I'm in the hairdresser, right?
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Question number six:
0:15:39 > 0:15:44On a scale of one to ten, how dry can your hair get?
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Ten.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53Completely.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00Look, it's dry all the time. That's the default position of my hair.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04I didn't know there was an international standard index for dryness.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Ten is the answer. It's always ten.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Except when I have a shower. Then we go to one.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14But I wasn't aware of stages two to nine at all.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15I've never used them.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18I've never said to my friends, "Aye, guys, you go on to the pub.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22"I'm at five at the moment, I'll give it another ten minutes. See you there."
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Final question: What do you want to achieve...
0:16:32 > 0:16:34..with your hair today?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41It's a tough, tough question, that.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43So many things.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49But after much thought, I thought, you've got to be responsible, Danny.
0:16:49 > 0:16:55So I wrote, "An end to the escalating tension and violence in the Middle East."
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Can we snippy-snippy, cut-cut?
0:17:04 > 0:17:08And then, finally...when I thought I was finally going to
0:17:08 > 0:17:11get my hair cut, she said, "Now just one other question - do you want me
0:17:11 > 0:17:15"to create an e-mail alert for the next time your haircut is due?"
0:17:16 > 0:17:20"No! I'm a proper grown-up!
0:17:20 > 0:17:23"I've been dealing with this problem for years.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26"I've got an e-mail alert, it's in my bathroom, it's called a mirror!
0:17:28 > 0:17:31"I walk by it, it's old school but it seems to work."
0:17:31 > 0:17:33"And how do you know?"
0:17:33 > 0:17:37"How could you, not living with my hair, not seeing my hair...
0:17:37 > 0:17:39"possibly know when my next haircut is due?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41"Even at an estimate?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44"Everyone is different, every human being's hair grows at different speeds,
0:17:44 > 0:17:47"at different lengths... How could you possibly know?"
0:17:48 > 0:17:50But I wish I hadn't said that.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Embrace the irrationality.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57What I wish I'd said is - "That's a great idea."
0:17:58 > 0:18:04And then I wish I'd gone home and got extensions down to my knees...
0:18:06 > 0:18:09And two days later, walked back into that salon...
0:18:12 > 0:18:14And just gone... "What the f...?!
0:18:16 > 0:18:18"Where was my e-mail?!"
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Folks...
0:18:27 > 0:18:30you have an exceptional show ahead of you, Apollo.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33This is really a brilliant bill, are you ready for your first act?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35AUDIENCE: YES!
0:18:35 > 0:18:38He's one of my personal favourites, I know you're going to love him,
0:18:38 > 0:18:41go absolutely wild and crazy for Mr Miles Jupp!
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Hello!
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Oh, Hammersmith, how very delightful, um,
0:18:58 > 0:19:01you probably all recognise me as the waiter who had
0:19:01 > 0:19:03all of his lines cut from the first Sherlock Holmes film.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08And then didn't find out until the premiere.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Nonetheless, it was a portrayal that has since revolutionised the way everyone
0:19:14 > 0:19:18acts in period detective fiction, when they've got nothing to say.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Now, um, I've arrived here tonight, as I suspect you have,
0:19:23 > 0:19:25as I arrive everywhere I arrive in London - furious.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30I mean, you can all see how angry I am.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33A very angry man.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Whenever I'm trying to get anywhere in London, I get angry.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38If I'm on a bus that's late or a Tube that seems to stop
0:19:38 > 0:19:41without any explanation, or there's just a traffic jam.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44I always get angry and I always blame the same person.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48I don't even know if it's fair, but I always blame Boris.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Anything that goes wrong when I'm out and about in London, I blame Boris.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56I blame him for roadworks, even if you hear that there's somebody under a train, you think,
0:19:56 > 0:20:01"I presume that Boris was just cycling carelessly past a Tube station...and hit someone.
0:20:01 > 0:20:06"They've gone over the barriers, down the escalators and onto the track."
0:20:07 > 0:20:10I will happily blame that man for anything. I mean,
0:20:10 > 0:20:13I just, honestly... I just don't understand what he does.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18What does Boris actually do? He always looks absolutely shattered!
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Always looks as if he's just come round from a general anaesthetic.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Do you ever find yourself looking at a picture of Boris and thinking,
0:20:29 > 0:20:33"There's something not quite right there, there's something that's missing.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35"What's wrong about this picture? Oh, yeah."
0:20:35 > 0:20:38I'll tell you what it is. It's the fact that he's not wearing pyjamas.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46If Boris Johnson only ever appeared in public in pyjamas,
0:20:46 > 0:20:50he would finally make sense...as a person.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Outpatient chic.
0:20:55 > 0:21:01Now let me just say this to you, Hammersmith, I have, I have four children.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Four Children. The oldest of whom is four.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09By all means, do the maths, I've done it myself on...
0:21:10 > 0:21:12..four occasions.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14I have four, four children.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16I don't say four so that you can congratulate me
0:21:16 > 0:21:18or commiserate with me.
0:21:18 > 0:21:23I don't say it because I've gone mad and have forgotten what all the other numbers are.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25How many sugars do you want with your tea? Four.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29How many legs should a pair of trousers have? Four! How are you? Four!
0:21:29 > 0:21:33I say it merely, merely just so you can understand just where it is that I'm
0:21:33 > 0:21:39coming from when I stagger out here, onto this stage tonight.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42I'm not really in a position to do groovy, young material
0:21:42 > 0:21:46about me and my Canadian flatmate snorting cocaine
0:21:46 > 0:21:48together off the back of a shared prostitute.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53I do not live in a flat.
0:21:54 > 0:21:59And er, nor...nor do I consort with Canadians.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04I've got absolutely nothing against them in principle,
0:22:04 > 0:22:06they've got as much right to be here as anybody,
0:22:06 > 0:22:09and, er, whatever it is they do, they seem to do it quietly.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16I'm cut off - I, really... I'm incredibly cut off.
0:22:16 > 0:22:22I've got about seven friends... I am not on any social networks.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Other than, other than, ha, other than Myspace.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Which is still there holding a torch...
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Myspace which I joined in 2006,
0:22:34 > 0:22:38presumably long after it ceased to be useful or fashionable.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42And I am seemingly completely incapable of leaving it.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45I would love to not be on Myspace any more,
0:22:45 > 0:22:47I can't work out how to get off the bloody thing.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49They have made it completely impossible.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52It would be easier for me to enter North Korea...
0:22:53 > 0:22:56..dressed in my "Kim Jong-un Is A Bit Of A Penis" T-shirt...
0:22:58 > 0:23:01..than it would be to leave Myspace. It would be easier
0:23:01 > 0:23:03for Julian Assange to skip through the front door
0:23:03 > 0:23:06of the Ecuadorian Embassy to go and buy memory sticks...
0:23:10 > 0:23:12..than it would be for me to leave Myspace.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Honestly, I really am cut off. I mean, the lives...
0:23:15 > 0:23:18The lives that other people lead.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Look at yourselves, for instance, you are having an evening out!
0:23:21 > 0:23:26Admittedly, it's in Hammersmith, but nonetheless it's an evening out.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30That is absolutely unthinkable to my wife and I.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33You know the way in magazines they Photoshop people so they look
0:23:33 > 0:23:35perfect and you end up feeling envious
0:23:35 > 0:23:38of what is a completely unrealistic ideal?
0:23:38 > 0:23:41That is how I feel about pretty much anything
0:23:41 > 0:23:45I see or hear about other people's lives.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47"You did what? You nipped out for milk?!
0:23:48 > 0:23:51"What, on your own?!
0:23:51 > 0:23:52"Aren't you Bear Grylls!"
0:23:55 > 0:23:59Just listening to what my childless, unmarried friends get up to, makes me feel
0:23:59 > 0:24:02like an Iranian housewife reading a biography of Paris Hilton.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Honestly, if someone tells me they have been out for the evening,
0:24:09 > 0:24:12had a drink in two different pubs and a meal at the Spaghetti House...
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Honestly, they might as well be telling me that they have been flown privately
0:24:15 > 0:24:21to St Tropez to eat lobster off the hot, naked belly of Claudia Schiffer.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23Is she still a thing?
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Clearly, I've not felt the need to update my sexual desires since about 1996.
0:24:34 > 0:24:35If then...
0:24:36 > 0:24:39I know a lot of people think you shouldn't really
0:24:39 > 0:24:41mention your children in your stand-up.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43As far as I am concerned, those are just the ridiculous views
0:24:43 > 0:24:45of the unfortunate.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47It is not possible to not mention them.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Once you have got the little creatures,
0:24:49 > 0:24:51they are completely all-encompassing...
0:24:51 > 0:24:54They inform every single aspect of your life.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57If you, if you were to try and describe what having young children makes you feel
0:24:57 > 0:25:01like without actually mentioning the children themselves, it would sound as if
0:25:01 > 0:25:04you were just describing the symptoms of a horrific depression.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12So many things about having children nobody ever thought to tell me, no-one told me.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16I had no idea that once I had children, I would spend an absolute age sitting
0:25:16 > 0:25:20on Tube platforms letting train after train go past, just so that
0:25:20 > 0:25:24I could afford to spend more quality time sitting with my head in my hands.
0:25:27 > 0:25:32If just one of the people that lives in your house is a baby, you instantly...
0:25:32 > 0:25:37you just lose all sense, immediately, of what is and is not appropriate behaviour.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40I remember, when my oldest child was only about three days' old,
0:25:40 > 0:25:42bumping into my bleary-eyed wife on the landing and she said,
0:25:42 > 0:25:46"I've just had a bowl of cornflakes on the lavatory."
0:25:47 > 0:25:52Just from nowhere. Within a matter of days we'd been reduced to the
0:25:52 > 0:25:55state of, if not animals, then, undergraduates.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00It's terrifying, it doesn't matter how you've lived your life up
0:26:00 > 0:26:02till that point, how tidy you've tried to be,
0:26:02 > 0:26:05how sophisticated. Suddenly you've got one of those in the house, that's it!
0:26:05 > 0:26:09It's all gone! The place, it's just suddenly awash with mystery fluid...
0:26:12 > 0:26:16There's so much faecal matter suddenly dotted and strewn about where you live.
0:26:16 > 0:26:23I mean, you become completely numb to the stuff, just horrifyingly blase.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26You can stand there looking at something that's been done on your
0:26:26 > 0:26:28own bed and think,
0:26:28 > 0:26:31"Well, we don't need to change the sheets for that!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35"It's only a small turd, isn't it?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39"It's hardly worth wasting a flush, is it?
0:26:42 > 0:26:47"Pop it in the wastepaper basket... Stick a crisp packet over it."
0:26:50 > 0:26:53When I was little, I wanted to be a stuntman,
0:26:53 > 0:26:55I wanted to be a skateboarder, an astronaut,
0:26:55 > 0:26:57I wanted to be in a remake of The A-Team.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00All I want to do now is to sit in a comfortable armchair
0:27:00 > 0:27:03in a darkened room and just breathe.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Everything else has gone by the wayside.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Having seen the A-Team remake,
0:27:12 > 0:27:14I have at least dodged one bullet.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19You know, I've learnt so much from them, right? Until I had children,
0:27:19 > 0:27:22for instance, I had absolutely no idea that there is
0:27:22 > 0:27:27no stronger substance known to man than Weetabix and milk once it has dried.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33That stuff is absolutely astonishing, isn't it?
0:27:33 > 0:27:37It is beyond Araldite...you know, you can mend shoes with it,
0:27:37 > 0:27:38bridges, possibly.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43I mean, they are very keen to learn, always firing questions at me -
0:27:43 > 0:27:45"Where do babies come from?"
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Absolutely no idea, seemingly no way of stopping it.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Can't work out what the hell is going on down there.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57Honestly, I have absolutely no control over them whatsoever.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00In about four and a bit years I have accrued, I think it is fair to say,
0:28:00 > 0:28:04no parenting skills whatsoever.
0:28:04 > 0:28:05They give me the total runaround.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Some people say it is like herding cats. It's worse.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10It is like trying to get a Hewlett-Packard printer
0:28:10 > 0:28:12to work. I mean, you've paid out all
0:28:12 > 0:28:16this money and it doesn't do a single bloody thing you ask it to.
0:28:16 > 0:28:17It's a complete nightmare.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19They give me the total, total runaround.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23All-day long they leave me on the very brink of sanity, so at
0:28:23 > 0:28:26the end of the day, when I could not be more shattered, more exhausted,
0:28:26 > 0:28:31more stressed - that is when I have to leave the house and come out to work.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35All to fund the milk-saturated lifestyle of my infant captors.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42I mean, I would do anything for them, of course I would...
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Absolutely anything, that is what being a parent is.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Being a parent is essentially having Stockholm syndrome.
0:28:51 > 0:28:55Just hopelessly in love with the very people holding you hostage.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00I mean, I have had to change the way I live my life, of course
0:29:00 > 0:29:04I have. I've had to calm down. I'm sure you can all remember the old rock'n'roll me.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09I was a bit crazy for a while back there.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11Well, I certainly used to read more.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18People whose friends have had children, they look at them and sometimes go,
0:29:18 > 0:29:21"God, they've really changed, haven't they?
0:29:21 > 0:29:25"They've really mellowed." They haven't mellowed, they are broken!
0:29:27 > 0:29:30"Oh, he's really calmed down, hasn't he? He used to be so ambitious.
0:29:30 > 0:29:31"He's much calmer now, that's a relief."
0:29:31 > 0:29:34Of course he's not ambitious any more, there's simply no
0:29:34 > 0:29:36point in being ambitious any more.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39What is the point of dreaming about Hollywood
0:29:39 > 0:29:43if you can't even finish your bloody muesli before lunchtime?
0:29:43 > 0:29:46It is not possible to finish your muesli before lunchtime now,
0:29:46 > 0:29:50because the entire morning just consists of being interrupted.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53When you've got that many young children charging about the place,
0:29:53 > 0:29:56you get interrupted so often that eventually the interruptions
0:29:56 > 0:29:59themselves start getting interrupted.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03Desperately trying to clean all the milk off the floor after breakfast,
0:30:03 > 0:30:06so all the food that hits it at lunchtime doesn't splash.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09And then someone opens up the freezer and gets a bag of peas out
0:30:09 > 0:30:12and starts spilling them all over the floor...
0:30:12 > 0:30:14I'm desperately trying to sweep them up.
0:30:14 > 0:30:17And then someone ominously shouts, "I'm painting", from the hallway.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21Run out there and find they've got hold of a loo brush
0:30:21 > 0:30:23and are just rubbing it against the wall.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27"It is a quarter to six in the morning!"
0:30:30 > 0:30:33Well, ladies and gentlemen, haven't I got myself worked up
0:30:33 > 0:30:34into yet another state?
0:30:36 > 0:30:38I do wonder, in retrospect,
0:30:38 > 0:30:41if I haven't slightly underplayed the work that our nanny does...
0:30:45 > 0:30:47Well, hey-ho.
0:30:47 > 0:30:51Hammersmith, aren't you lovely? God bless, good night.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53LOUD CHEERING
0:30:55 > 0:30:58Miles Jupp, everyone!
0:31:01 > 0:31:04OK, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your final act?
0:31:04 > 0:31:07CHEERING
0:31:07 > 0:31:08He's absolutely brilliant.
0:31:08 > 0:31:11Please welcome the one and only Mr Lee Nelson!
0:31:21 > 0:31:24Good Evening, Apollo.
0:31:25 > 0:31:30Yes! Oh, people, I've had such a nice day today,
0:31:30 > 0:31:33it was my little boy's sixth birthday.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35Yeah!
0:31:35 > 0:31:38We don't have a lot of money, so, we, uh, didn't tell him.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44It is hard being a parent, people, mums!
0:31:44 > 0:31:47Especially mums, my poor missus!
0:31:47 > 0:31:50She's always looking in the mirror, "Oh, my gosh,
0:31:50 > 0:31:54"my body ain't what like it was before the kids come along."
0:31:54 > 0:31:58I say, "Baaabes, you're being so silly!
0:31:58 > 0:32:01"You weren't all that before."
0:32:05 > 0:32:09Ah, people, it has been a tough few weeks for me, people,
0:32:09 > 0:32:13my grandad passed away about six weeks ago, now.
0:32:13 > 0:32:17Yeah, thank you, man, I have been feeling well bad.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20It was me that took him to Alton Towers.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26And he ended up having a heart attack
0:32:26 > 0:32:30and actually passing away on the Nemesis ride.
0:32:32 > 0:32:36But...at least we've got a photo of him...JUST before he died.
0:32:38 > 0:32:40Well, we would have - 12 quid... Sod that, right?
0:32:40 > 0:32:44You know what is proper interesting, I have started looking into my
0:32:44 > 0:32:48family tree, since my grandad passed away, and it is really interesting,
0:32:48 > 0:32:51you know, because things were so different back in the olden times.
0:32:51 > 0:32:53It's a bit of a history lesson.
0:32:53 > 0:32:58I found out my great-great-great-grandma
0:32:58 > 0:33:00had 13 children.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02Now, that wouldn't happen nowadays, would it?
0:33:02 > 0:33:05I wanted to know why... I looked into it, I done some research.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07I found out the reason was, apparently, yeah...
0:33:07 > 0:33:09she was a massive slag.
0:33:15 > 0:33:21My dog passed away last weekend, so, yeah, that's been really difficult,
0:33:21 > 0:33:23especially for my little boy.
0:33:23 > 0:33:27Like, I sat him down, I tried to explain it all to him
0:33:27 > 0:33:31but he is only six, he can't properly get his head around the whole thing...
0:33:31 > 0:33:34and I just ended up making him cry.
0:33:34 > 0:33:39I says, "I'm so sorry, but Benson's passed away."
0:33:39 > 0:33:41"Why, Daddy, why?"
0:33:41 > 0:33:44"When you get to that age, it just happens."
0:33:44 > 0:33:45"How old was he?"
0:33:45 > 0:33:47"He was seven."
0:33:51 > 0:33:55You know, when you have a kid it can affect the whole relationship,
0:33:55 > 0:33:57to be honest with you.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59You know, since the kids, she ain't in the mood -
0:33:59 > 0:34:02"Not tonight, I've got a bit of a headache."
0:34:02 > 0:34:05Had a bit of a breakthrough a few nights ago, actually, people, yeahhhh.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07Things happened, innit.
0:34:07 > 0:34:08HE CHUCKLES
0:34:08 > 0:34:13What I done, lads, I put a note on her pillow, yeah...
0:34:13 > 0:34:15It was a fiver.
0:34:18 > 0:34:22As a dad, it changes the way you look at everything, to be honest
0:34:22 > 0:34:23with you, you know?
0:34:23 > 0:34:26I started, like, thinking, "There's too much fighting
0:34:26 > 0:34:29"going on in the world, you know?"
0:34:29 > 0:34:33Do you realise this country has been at war with Iraq, with Afghanistan,
0:34:33 > 0:34:35even Argentina?!
0:34:35 > 0:34:38Argentina, man! We're fighting them
0:34:38 > 0:34:40over some crappy bit of land no-one really cares about.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43Let's just give them back Scotland!
0:34:45 > 0:34:47Have we got any Scottyland legends in here?
0:34:47 > 0:34:49Scottyland legends? Give us a cheer.
0:34:49 > 0:34:50CHEERING
0:34:50 > 0:34:53I was well surprised by that referendum result,
0:34:53 > 0:34:56I have never known Scottish women to say no.
0:35:01 > 0:35:05Is you really a separate country? Not really, innit.
0:35:05 > 0:35:07All right, you have got your own currency, the, er,
0:35:07 > 0:35:09the poond.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15All right, to be fair, there is some cultural differences, innit?
0:35:15 > 0:35:17It is... All right, the weather.
0:35:17 > 0:35:21It is a lot hotter in England than it is in Scottyland.
0:35:21 > 0:35:22Yeah, that's true!
0:35:22 > 0:35:25And a lot of Scottish people came down to England from Glasgow
0:35:25 > 0:35:27or whatever, and think they're going to fit in.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30And actually find it too hot here. Yeah! I know!
0:35:30 > 0:35:32And they end up sleeping outside!
0:35:38 > 0:35:41I think Scottish people are just a little bit angry.
0:35:41 > 0:35:43That was what was going on with the Scottish people,
0:35:43 > 0:35:46they was angry, because Scottish people used to be the
0:35:46 > 0:35:51top foreign people in England, and then the Polish people came along.
0:35:53 > 0:35:57And the Polish people work harder, they drink more,
0:35:57 > 0:35:59they speak better English!
0:36:06 > 0:36:08It's just north-south banter, innit?
0:36:08 > 0:36:11Have we got people from the North of England here tonight? Give us a cheer,
0:36:11 > 0:36:13Northern England people.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16- CHEERING - Whereabouts are you from, sweetie pie?
0:36:16 > 0:36:19- Manchester.- "Manchester"! We talk so different, I love that, innit!
0:36:19 > 0:36:22Down south, how do we talk, innit, what do we say?
0:36:22 > 0:36:25Like. "Bath", innit, "Baath." That's how we talk.
0:36:25 > 0:36:29Baath. "I'm going to wash myself in the baath."
0:36:29 > 0:36:33In Manchester, they say, "Sod it, let's just go for a drink!"
0:36:35 > 0:36:38Have we got Scousers in the house tonight? Scousers?
0:36:38 > 0:36:39CHEERING
0:36:39 > 0:36:43Loads of Scousers! Now, Liverpool properly does have a different language.
0:36:43 > 0:36:47Scouser people, tell everyone here what boss means in Liverpool.
0:36:47 > 0:36:48Where's a Scouser?
0:36:48 > 0:36:50What's that, geez?
0:36:50 > 0:36:51AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS OUT
0:36:51 > 0:36:53It's good, innit? Yeah, that's amazing.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56In Liverpool, boss means good!
0:36:56 > 0:36:59The rest of the country, boss means the fella at work,
0:36:59 > 0:37:02but in Liverpool they just don't have no use for that normal meaning.
0:37:08 > 0:37:11Go all over the UK, people, travel around, check it all out.
0:37:11 > 0:37:14I was in the Midlands the other day, went to Wolverhampton!
0:37:14 > 0:37:17Ah, you've got to go to Wolverhampton, man.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19Really puts your own problems in perspective.
0:37:24 > 0:37:27I think that British people... We've got the best
0:37:27 > 0:37:30sense of humour in the world, that is how I feel about it.
0:37:30 > 0:37:32You know who has got the worst sense of humour?
0:37:32 > 0:37:33Oh, the Taliban.
0:37:36 > 0:37:37Are any Taliban in tonight?
0:37:39 > 0:37:43They hate Live At The Apollo, man!
0:37:43 > 0:37:45I like British people, they are nice and calm, innit.
0:37:45 > 0:37:48Nice and chilled. Unlike the Americans...
0:37:48 > 0:37:49Oh, everywhere they go -
0:37:49 > 0:37:51"Woooooooo!
0:37:51 > 0:37:53"Wooooo!"
0:37:53 > 0:37:56That's the confidence you get when you carry a gun!
0:37:58 > 0:38:01Takes British people three lines of cocaine to get to that level,
0:38:01 > 0:38:03innit, lads?
0:38:05 > 0:38:09I think that we are actually copying what America does...a little
0:38:09 > 0:38:11bit too much.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14I mean, the obesity statistics is frightening.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17I saw a documentary about it the other day - they reckon
0:38:17 > 0:38:24by 2030 you will have a 15% chance of surviving if a girl goes on top.
0:38:32 > 0:38:36He's worried. Geez, innit? No need to be, mate.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42If you can't see, he's ginger.
0:38:48 > 0:38:52Do you remember before we copied the American coffee shops?
0:38:52 > 0:38:55We just used to have British caffs.
0:38:55 > 0:38:56You would go in, "Excuse me,
0:38:56 > 0:38:59"can I have a coffee?" "Yeah - here you go." Job done.
0:39:00 > 0:39:04Went to a Starbucks the other day... Oh, my days!
0:39:04 > 0:39:05"What would you like?
0:39:05 > 0:39:09"An Americano, a cappuccino, frappucino, mochacino,
0:39:09 > 0:39:12"skinny white, flat white, grande, venti..."
0:39:12 > 0:39:15"Sweetie pie, I have got to stop you there...
0:39:15 > 0:39:17"I just need a poo.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25"And the Wi-Fi code, yeah?"
0:39:29 > 0:39:34No, man, I like, I like what's going on in this country,
0:39:34 > 0:39:37I'm proud of this country, we got the royal family, innit!
0:39:37 > 0:39:39Yeah, we got another royal baby coming!
0:39:39 > 0:39:41I really hope this one's black.
0:39:46 > 0:39:50I like the mix of the different people we get in the UK.
0:39:50 > 0:39:54I don't agree with Ukip - Ukip say we've got too many
0:39:54 > 0:39:56foreigners in this country.
0:39:56 > 0:39:59I done a bit of research of my own, and the fact is,
0:39:59 > 0:40:03there's actually a lot more foreigners in other countries.
0:40:08 > 0:40:11I agree with Ukip on the euro, I don't think we should get the euro.
0:40:11 > 0:40:15I think that'd be bad for business - I mean, Poundland's buggered.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21I think we got it pretty good in the UK, is what I think.
0:40:21 > 0:40:25But people still love to complain, innit. "Are you all right?"
0:40:25 > 0:40:27"Naaah!" "What's wrong?"
0:40:27 > 0:40:30"My phone battery died."
0:40:30 > 0:40:34"Are you all right?" "Naaah, I'm well stressed about what I'm going to wear."
0:40:34 > 0:40:35"Are you all right?"
0:40:35 > 0:40:37"Naah, I've got, like, irritable bowels."
0:40:37 > 0:40:39What?
0:40:39 > 0:40:42Do you think people complain about them sorts of things
0:40:42 > 0:40:45in countries where they don't have everything that we does?
0:40:45 > 0:40:47I mean, can you imagine the Children in Need appeal?
0:40:47 > 0:40:50I mean you got scenes all across Africa,
0:40:50 > 0:40:53you got the cheesy charity music in the background,
0:40:53 > 0:40:57you got Dean Gaffney looking emotional down the camera.
0:40:58 > 0:41:01Got an African child next to him.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03HE SNIFFS
0:41:03 > 0:41:07"Mbasi is just 12 years of age."
0:41:07 > 0:41:09CHEESY PIANO MUSIC PLAYS
0:41:10 > 0:41:13"Mbasi is just another victim here in Africa.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16"Mbasi needs your 'elp.
0:41:17 > 0:41:21"Mbasi...is gluten intolerant!
0:41:23 > 0:41:28"And if he attempts to eat rice or bread or certain types of muesli...
0:41:29 > 0:41:31"..he gets a slightly bloated feeling in his tummy!
0:41:33 > 0:41:35"Please, give generously.
0:41:35 > 0:41:39"£2 will allow Mbasi to buy some gluten-free hummus.
0:41:41 > 0:41:43"£5 will allow him to have the time he needs to regularly
0:41:43 > 0:41:45"tweet about his condition.
0:41:47 > 0:41:50"And £20 will mean Mbasi can make
0:41:50 > 0:41:52"the life-changing visit he needs...
0:41:52 > 0:41:54"to Holland & Barrett."
0:42:04 > 0:42:08I've got to get going, I got to get out of here, yeah, I'm proper knackered, man.
0:42:08 > 0:42:13When you have a kid, kiss goodbye to sleep, that is for sure, people.
0:42:13 > 0:42:17Last night, about four in the morning, I'm spark out in my bed,
0:42:17 > 0:42:19I'm in there.
0:42:21 > 0:42:23Little boy comes into me room.
0:42:24 > 0:42:26"Daddy.
0:42:26 > 0:42:28"Daddy.
0:42:28 > 0:42:30"Daddy!"
0:42:31 > 0:42:33"Yeah?" "Can I come and sleep in your bed?
0:42:33 > 0:42:35"I've wet my bed."
0:42:35 > 0:42:38"Yeah, course you can, in you come.
0:42:38 > 0:42:40"Now, I warn you, I've had too much to drink
0:42:40 > 0:42:42"and I've done the same myself."
0:42:44 > 0:42:47People, I've been Lee Nelson, you've been a bunch of legends.
0:42:47 > 0:42:49Thank you, and good night!
0:42:56 > 0:42:58Mr Lee Nelson!
0:43:02 > 0:43:03Ladies and gentlemen,
0:43:03 > 0:43:05please, give it up for the two acts you saw this evening.
0:43:05 > 0:43:07You saw the wonderful Miles Jupp!
0:43:12 > 0:43:15And the very brilliant Mr Lee Nelson!
0:43:18 > 0:43:20You've been a fantastic audience, thanks so much for coming out.
0:43:20 > 0:43:23I'll see you all again sometime, I've been Danny Bhoy, good night!