0:00:18 > 0:00:23Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Sarah Millican!
0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHEERING
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Hello! Good evening and welcome to Live At The Apollo!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40CHEERING
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Welcome to the show. How are you? Are you well?
0:00:44 > 0:00:45- CROWD:- Yes!
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Excellent, good work. It's lovely to be here.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49It's a nice temperature in here, isn't it?
0:00:49 > 0:00:50It will get warmer as we go on.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54I respond in quite a peculiar way to the heat, I think...
0:00:54 > 0:00:55Mostly sort of here.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58LAUGHTER
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Down there gets what I would call "claggy."
0:01:03 > 0:01:04What would you call it?
0:01:05 > 0:01:06- WOMAN:- Moist!- Moist.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Moist is a good one.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12When I did a show in Preston, a man shouted out, "No, no.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13"We call that 'ready'."
0:01:18 > 0:01:20And I had a lady say, "What you've got there is LDF."
0:01:20 > 0:01:22I said, "What does LDF stand for?"
0:01:22 > 0:01:23She said, "Long Day Fanny."
0:01:27 > 0:01:30But what I do when it gets...moist...
0:01:30 > 0:01:32is I just do a little plie.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36LAUGHTER
0:01:36 > 0:01:39I'm not a massive ballet dancer, but if I was a ballet dancer,
0:01:39 > 0:01:40I'd clearly be a massive one.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45You only get a couple of seconds' relief
0:01:45 > 0:01:47cos it mostly just slicks back together.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49GROANING
0:01:55 > 0:01:56I did a show in Edinburgh
0:01:56 > 0:01:59and a lady right at the back shouted out, "You need to use some talc!"
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Surely that just forms a paste?
0:02:11 > 0:02:14But I do have... I've got a good relationship with my mum.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17You know, sometimes in comedy you laugh at things
0:02:17 > 0:02:19because it's familiar, it's a shared experience?
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Sometimes you laugh because you're just glad you're not me.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Let's see if this has happened to anybody else.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Whenever I'm on the phone to me mam, it always makes me need a poo.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Give us a "whoo" if that's happened to you.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35- FEW IN CROWD:- Whooo!
0:02:35 > 0:02:38See, I've looked into it, it's a closeness issue.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40It means that me and those people who whoo-ed,
0:02:40 > 0:02:44we love our mams more than the rest of you lot love yours.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I love my mam so much, it makes me shit.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Try getting that on a balloon for Mother's Day.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Thank God for Moonpig.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59But I bought a house quite recently.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02I wanted to buy a house because I'd lived in flats for 16 years
0:03:02 > 0:03:06and I really missed going upstairs to bed.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Not through the kitchen.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10UPSTAIRS to bed.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12I was sitting only a few months later, upstairs in bed,
0:03:12 > 0:03:16quite smugly, just thinking, "This is the life. I've arrived.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18"I'm upstairs in bed."
0:03:18 > 0:03:21And then I thought, "Oh, no, now I've got to go downstairs for food."
0:03:26 > 0:03:29What I really wanted... My parents have both always lived near a park
0:03:29 > 0:03:31and I'd always been able to see a tree out of my bedroom window,
0:03:31 > 0:03:33so that became a priority when I was house-hunting.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I wanted to be able to see a tree out of my bedroom window.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38But it became very clear that I'm not massively suited
0:03:38 > 0:03:41to country living, having lived in the city centre for so long.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44I drove along a lovely country lane, lovely country lane,
0:03:44 > 0:03:48and I saw a white marquee tent and instead of thinking, "Ooh!
0:03:48 > 0:03:50"Somebody's having a lovely summer party."
0:03:50 > 0:03:53I just thought, "Ooh, someone's been murdered."
0:03:58 > 0:04:00I found a house that I liked, I got a survey done.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03The survey came back and it meant nothing to me at all.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Luckily, I've got a friend who's a builder,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08he said, "Let me have a look and I'll put it into layman's terms."
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Smashing. Give us a cheer if you own your own home.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12CHEERING
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Give us a cheer if you rent.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15CHEERING
0:04:15 > 0:04:16Till now, I'd only ever rented.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19I think there are phrases that mean nothing to those of us who rent
0:04:19 > 0:04:20that the rest of you understand.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23My friend said, "There is one thing you will need."
0:04:23 > 0:04:24I said, "Oh, yeah, what's that?"
0:04:24 > 0:04:26He said, "You'll need a damp-proof course."
0:04:26 > 0:04:29And I genuinely said, "I haven't got time to go to college."
0:04:31 > 0:04:34One of the things that the house that I bought did have
0:04:34 > 0:04:36is a log burner. I've never had a log burner before,
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I got quite excited by the log burner.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Not as excited as my fella did.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42"He went, "Oh, my God, we'll be able to get a toasting fork
0:04:42 > 0:04:44"and we'll be able to toast things!"
0:04:44 > 0:04:47And I thought, "He does know I've got a toaster, doesn't he?"
0:04:47 > 0:04:50He went to work, I went and bought a toasting fork, I was too excited.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52I came back, grabbed a loaf of bread and thought,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55"I'm going to sit in front and work my way through. Bloody love toast."
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Couldn't get it to work, so I rang him.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01He said, "How can it not work? It's fire and bread.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02"How can it not work?"
0:05:02 > 0:05:04So I told him what I'd been doing.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Turns out I should have had the little door open.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09I might as well have been lying slices of bread
0:05:09 > 0:05:10on top of my radiator.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14But when I moved, I had bits and bobs of furniture, not much,
0:05:14 > 0:05:17but I had some and I was trying to work out what would best go where.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I said to my fella, "I wish I had a tape measure."
0:05:19 > 0:05:21He said, "What do you need a tape measure for?"
0:05:21 > 0:05:24"I just want to know if that unit will fit in that alcove."
0:05:24 > 0:05:27He said, "I'll sort that out for you." "Have you got a tape measure?"
0:05:27 > 0:05:29He said, "No, I'm just good at that sort of thing.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32"What do you mean?" "It's just an instinct I've got."
0:05:32 > 0:05:33And first of all, I thought, rubbish.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35And then I thought, "Let's have a look."
0:05:35 > 0:05:37This is quite a manly thing to be able to do.
0:05:37 > 0:05:42If he can do this, maybe we'll see what else slots where.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43So I said, "Go on, then, do it."
0:05:43 > 0:05:45This is what he did, he went exactly like this.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58I said, "Is that it? You could have at least got your cock out
0:05:58 > 0:06:00"and done six inches, six inches, six inches."
0:06:03 > 0:06:05You know when you first move into somewhere new to you,
0:06:05 > 0:06:08you want to make a few changes so it feels a bit more like yours?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10One of the things I really wanted...
0:06:10 > 0:06:13My parents are both disabled and both getting on a bit in age.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14Something I thought would be useful
0:06:14 > 0:06:17for when they stayed would be a grab rail in the shower.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20I won't really notice it when I'm in the shower,
0:06:20 > 0:06:21but how useful for when they visit.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23So I got a grab rail fitted in the shower,
0:06:23 > 0:06:25and a month later, I had a friend round visiting,
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I was showing her round and I said,
0:06:27 > 0:06:29"Look, I've had a grab rail fitted in the shower."
0:06:29 > 0:06:31And she went like this.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34"Oooh! Saucy!"
0:06:36 > 0:06:38I said, "I don't know what you're talking about,
0:06:38 > 0:06:41"but I'm trying to keep pensioners upright."
0:06:42 > 0:06:45And I told my dad because I thought he'd find it funny.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48He went, "Nah, nah, for that sort of business, you need two of them."
0:06:54 > 0:06:55SHE RETCHES
0:06:58 > 0:07:00But I've got two cats. Have we got cat owners in?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- CHEERING - I've got two cats.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04I don't know if you've tried to litter-train a cat,
0:07:04 > 0:07:07it's straightforward. If they look like they're about to do something,
0:07:07 > 0:07:11you pick them up, plonk them in the litter tray, you hope for the best.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12But our first cat, Chief Brody,
0:07:12 > 0:07:14named after the police chief in the film Jaws,
0:07:14 > 0:07:17he didn't cotton on for a while, kept having little accidents, poor bugger.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20So, my fella and I were standing over the litter tray
0:07:20 > 0:07:22looking at it, looking at each other, going,
0:07:22 > 0:07:24"Is there anything we can be doing to help him that we're not?"
0:07:24 > 0:07:26And my fella, because he's so lovely,
0:07:26 > 0:07:29he looked down at the litter tray and he went,
0:07:29 > 0:07:31"Do you want me to do a shit in it to start him off?"
0:07:34 > 0:07:36No.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37No, I really don't.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40It would be end to end.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43GROANING
0:07:43 > 0:07:46And the cat would be like, "Who the hell lives here? Aslan?"
0:07:50 > 0:07:52I was in a cafe a few months ago with a friend of mine.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55She's the sort of person who prefers savoury over sweet.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58I don't really know why we're still friends, but...
0:07:58 > 0:08:00She's nice enough. She ordered a carrot cake
0:08:00 > 0:08:03and I always think carrot cake is such an abomination of a cake.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05It's got veg in it. Shut up!
0:08:06 > 0:08:08What you've got there is a rubbish pasty.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14She ordered carrot cake. I ordered a slice of strawberry cheesecake.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16On top of her carrot cake was some icing and then
0:08:16 > 0:08:18a sliver of something orange coloured for decoration, I suppose.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20I said to her, "Is that a bit of carrot?"
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Fair assumption, it being carrot cake.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24She had a nibble of it and she said, "No, it's not carrot."
0:08:24 > 0:08:27I said, "Is it orange, then?" She said, "No, it's not orange."
0:08:27 > 0:08:30So, well, I'm all out of orange coloured things.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Unless it's the tail of a goldfish, I've got no idea.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35She had another nibble of it and she said, "I think it's apricot."
0:08:35 > 0:08:37I said, "I can't have apricot." "Why not?"
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I said, "I'm allergic to it."
0:08:39 > 0:08:43And she went, "Ooh! What happens to you?"
0:08:43 > 0:08:46And I went, "Ooh! I get the shits."
0:08:48 > 0:08:50She said, "Is it really bad?" I said, "Oh, yeah.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- "It was like a chocolate fountain down there." - GROANING
0:08:53 > 0:08:56She said, "Was that just off one?" "No, no. I had a bag of them."
0:08:57 > 0:08:59She said, "How many was in the bag?"
0:08:59 > 0:09:01"I don't know. Maybe 40?"
0:09:02 > 0:09:06And it was only then I realised I'm not allergic to apricots.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09I'm allergic to 40 apricots.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16But I stopped buying women's magazines a few months ago -
0:09:16 > 0:09:19just feels like there's nothing in there for me.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Why would I buy anything where the only time I ever see anybody
0:09:23 > 0:09:26who looks a bit like me is underneath the word "before"?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35APPLAUSE
0:09:35 > 0:09:38You know, there's a huge list of all the things that we, as women,
0:09:38 > 0:09:41are supposed to do to ourselves - cleanse, tone and moisturise.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44I've never toned, I'm nearly 40, I've never toned
0:09:44 > 0:09:47and my skin is still on my face, so it's obviously rubbish.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Hair removal is a whole subject all on its own, isn't it?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53There's so many different ways, as women, that we can remove our hair -
0:09:53 > 0:09:56you can wax, you can shave, you can pluck, you can epilate.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00My sister had laser treatment to her underarms, laser treatment,
0:10:00 > 0:10:02and it was quite painful and quite expensive.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05And after two months the whole lot just grew back in,
0:10:05 > 0:10:07which is terrible, but does go some way to explaining
0:10:07 > 0:10:09why James Bond was always so nonchalant
0:10:09 > 0:10:13when a laser was aimed at his cock and balls.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15"Be champion, man, it will grow back in a couple of months."
0:10:15 > 0:10:18I realise I made James Bond a Geordie.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21I can only apologise for that.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24SHE LAUGHS
0:10:24 > 0:10:28He so would never be a Geordie, would he? "Shaken not stirred." No.
0:10:28 > 0:10:33My friend said to me, "You know why women are supposed to have hair down there, don't you?"
0:10:33 > 0:10:37And I said, "Is like your nose, so you don't get muck up it?"
0:10:40 > 0:10:42She said, "No."
0:10:42 > 0:10:44"Women are supposed to have hair down there
0:10:44 > 0:10:47"so that nature knows where your reproductive bits are."
0:10:47 > 0:10:49I said, "Why does nature need to know?"
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Surely as long as me fella's got a rough idea...
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Why do all the deers and the rabbits need to know?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Well, maybe the rabbits.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03According to women's magazines,
0:11:03 > 0:11:05there's only two options for hair down there for women.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07The options are all off or most off.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Give us a cheer if you think all off is the way to go.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11CHEERING
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Give us a cheer if you think most off is the way to go.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15CHEERING
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Still quite a lot of you left, isn't there?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23I can only assume that the rest of you are like me.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28I just try to keep it in me pants.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34APPLAUSE
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Even if sometimes that involves tucking it in.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44In the legs, not in the top.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51My fella and I were both going to work a few weeks ago,
0:11:51 > 0:11:54both fully dressed, just getting last-minute bits and bobs together.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57And he was sitting at the kitchen table, putting his shoes on.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01And I don't know why, but as I walked past him, I did a boob jiggle in his face.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03I don't know, just one of those, like that.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05I don't know why, he was at the right height,
0:12:05 > 0:12:08it felt like a wasted opportunity if I didn't do it.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09And I thought he'd do that thing,
0:12:09 > 0:12:11when they go like that, brrrr, in-between.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13It's got a special name, does anybody know?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15- SHOUTING - Motorboating, thank you,
0:12:15 > 0:12:18because I always accidentally call it waterboarding.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23It's only waterboarding if they're really sweaty.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26That's what I thought he'd do, do that, brrrr, like that.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28He didn't. He just stood up and did a boob jiggle back.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Now it's a thing that we do and I don't know how to stop it.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39But we've lived together for about a year-and-a-half now.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41When I lived on my own, I really loved it, don't get me wrong.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44But one of the things I love about living with somebody else
0:12:44 > 0:12:46is I like the unpredictability of it.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48I like that every now and then a sentence comes out
0:12:48 > 0:12:50that I would never have said.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53The most recent one, out of nowhere, he just went...
0:12:53 > 0:12:56"Your shed's no good to have a wank in."
0:13:02 > 0:13:05And I said, "That's because it's a greenhouse, love."
0:13:12 > 0:13:14I'm getting on a bit. I'm nearly 40. It doesn't worry me.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17I'm not worried at all about getting older.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19I know that there are problems along the way.
0:13:19 > 0:13:20I know that it's not going to be easy.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22One of my good friends is 62 and she said to me,
0:13:22 > 0:13:24"There's something I need to tell you."
0:13:24 > 0:13:27I said, "Oh, that sounds serious. Is it serious?" She said, "Well...
0:13:27 > 0:13:30"I just don't want it to come as much of a surprise to you as it did to me."
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I said, "OK, well, you better tell me what it is, then."
0:13:32 > 0:13:35She said, "When you get to my age...down there...
0:13:36 > 0:13:40"..instead of it being a lovely, healthy pink colour..."
0:13:40 > 0:13:42I could have walked away, right then and there!
0:13:43 > 0:13:45"Instead of it being a lovely, healthy pink colour,
0:13:45 > 0:13:47"it's more of a...
0:13:47 > 0:13:49"It's more of a slate grey."
0:13:50 > 0:13:52It was the detail that I loved.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55She didn't say "grey", she said "slate grey",
0:13:55 > 0:13:57like she's had the Dulux colour chart out at it.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00"Here, Terry, help us with this.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02"Would you say that was thunder or slate?"
0:14:05 > 0:14:09I was so horrified by what I'd just learned that I blurted out,
0:14:09 > 0:14:11"You mean like when meat's on the turn?"
0:14:11 > 0:14:13GROANING
0:14:16 > 0:14:18"Does that smell all right to you?"
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Be a few handbag mirrors coming out tonight on the way home, I reckon.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29SHE GIGGLES
0:14:31 > 0:14:33I've been with my fella now for nearly ten years.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36When you first get together with somebody, the first six months,
0:14:36 > 0:14:39especially if you have an inkling it might be long-term,
0:14:39 > 0:14:41those first six months together are just glorious.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43You think each other are perfect.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45And then after six months, you think, well,
0:14:45 > 0:14:47perfect's pushing it a bit.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50There's a couple of things that could do with changing.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Then you've got a project, isn't it lovely having a project?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56There's only one thing I'd like to change about my fella,
0:14:56 > 0:15:00I need to tell you this first. I love waving, I don't know why.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01I've always loved waving,
0:15:01 > 0:15:03I love it when I wave and I love it when people wave back.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06I'm going to wave to you now and see how many of you wave back.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Loads of you! Thank you very much, it makes me really happy
0:15:09 > 0:15:12and it's one of the main reasons I learned to drive.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18My fella doesn't wave. Doesn't occur to him in the slightest.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20When we first got together, he dropped me off at the train station
0:15:20 > 0:15:23and I got out the car, I said, "I'll see you on Monday."
0:15:23 > 0:15:25He said, "Yeah, but I'll give you a ring when I get in tonight."
0:15:25 > 0:15:28And then I just checked that I was at the right entrance
0:15:28 > 0:15:30for the train station for my platform,
0:15:30 > 0:15:32and I turned to give him a little wave goodbye.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35And the car was already in the distance.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38A few years later, I was going to Australia for the first time,
0:15:38 > 0:15:41I was travelling alone, I was going to be away for six weeks,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44I was very nervous, understandably. He dropped me off at the airport.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46He helped me out of the boot...
0:15:46 > 0:15:50With my case, sorry, that's bad, with my case, with my case.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51And I said, "I'm going to miss you."
0:15:51 > 0:15:55He said, "I'm going to miss you too, but you're going to have an amazing time.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57"We can Skype whenever you like
0:15:57 > 0:16:00"and I'll come and get you in six weeks on this very spot."
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Melt, melt.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04And I checked my handbag to make sure
0:16:04 > 0:16:06I had my passport and my ticket,
0:16:06 > 0:16:09and then I turned to give him a little wave goodbye
0:16:09 > 0:16:12and I could not see the car.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15He was already on the motorway.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18So I said to him only a few weeks ago, "You know the waving thing?"
0:16:18 > 0:16:20He said, "Did I forget to do it again? I'm sorry."
0:16:20 > 0:16:22"Don't worry, but you know how much I love it?"
0:16:22 > 0:16:25He said, "Yes, I know how much you love to wave."
0:16:25 > 0:16:29I said, "I was wondering if there was a bargaining thing we could do."
0:16:29 > 0:16:31He said, "I don't know what you mean."
0:16:31 > 0:16:33I said, "For example, is there anything I don't do
0:16:33 > 0:16:35"that you'd like me to start doing?"
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Turns out I'm not as bothered about waving as I thought.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47APPLAUSE
0:16:51 > 0:16:53What a lovely audience you are tonight.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Are you ready for your first act?
0:16:55 > 0:16:57- CHEERING - Excellent.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Please give a lovely, warm Apollo welcome
0:16:59 > 0:17:01to the very wonderful Mr Joe Lycett!
0:17:01 > 0:17:04CHEERING
0:17:11 > 0:17:12Wow!
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Lovely.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15Hello.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17CHEERING
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Hello, are you well?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20CHEERING
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Wonderful. This is my voice, this is actually happening, don't worry.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27I know I sound slightly ludicrous.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29I'm not a homosexual.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Thank you for laughing at that.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Any gays in?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37SCATTERED CHEERS
0:17:37 > 0:17:38There's a few.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Kill them! No...
0:17:48 > 0:17:50You're not gay, in that shirt? Honestly?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55No, I'm bisexual, which means you're all at risk.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00We'll start with you and work round, that's what we're going to do.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03No, as you can tell, I'm an absolute lad.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12I was just backstage having a lager and punching a woman, I don't know.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Yeah, that's the thing to cheer, yeah!
0:18:20 > 0:18:23That's what I came for, punching women gags.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24I'm not very laddy at all.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26I did something very unladdy recently in Birmingham.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29I'm from Birmingham. You'd never tell, would you?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I never had the accent, I was born better, but I...
0:18:35 > 0:18:36I'm joking.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40I love it, I do love the accent when I hear it.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43I was in Starbucks in Birmingham recently, cos I'm earning,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45and these two... LAUGHTER
0:18:45 > 0:18:47These two women were having a conversation
0:18:47 > 0:18:49with the thickest Black Country accents
0:18:49 > 0:18:50and the one said to the other,
0:18:50 > 0:18:53"You still going to take the kids to the Middle East?"
0:18:53 > 0:18:54And the other one said,
0:18:54 > 0:18:57"Yeah, I'm going to take the babby to Abu Dhabi." Right...
0:19:00 > 0:19:03I had to leave Starbucks, I was in so much pain laughing.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06So, this is really unladdy,
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I was in the Touchwood shopping centre,
0:19:08 > 0:19:12which I think is the gayest name for a shopping centre, isn't it?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14You can have a lovely time there.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20These two, roughly 14-year-old lads tried to mug me.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23They came up to me and went, "Give us your wallet." I went "No."
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Then farted out of nervousness.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I was so terrified. Absolutely terrified.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37I said, "What are you going to do if I don't give you my wallet?"
0:19:37 > 0:19:39They were like, "We're going to head butt you."
0:19:39 > 0:19:42They'd be lucky because they are about this high...
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Also, the head butt is the worst threat ever.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Cos, sure, hit someone in the head - that is a weak point,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50but what are you going to hit them with? My head.
0:19:50 > 0:19:55That's like hitting someone in the balls with your balls, isn't it?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57We might do that later, who knows?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03I don't know where I got the confidence from,
0:20:03 > 0:20:05but I just went, "I've got a knife."
0:20:08 > 0:20:10I sort of did because I'd just been to Lakeland, so I did.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14It wasn't a knife, it was a pizza wheel.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22I didn't stab them, I cut them into eight neat slices. It was fine.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25I mentioned farting there. I'm good at farting.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28That's a masculine thing, isn't it? Are you good at farting, sir?
0:20:28 > 0:20:31No? What's the longest one you've ever done?
0:20:31 > 0:20:35Haven't timed it. Mine's 14 seconds...
0:20:35 > 0:20:37which I think may be a medical emergency, I'm not sure.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Somebody asked me how did I know it was 14 seconds.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Genuinely, it was because I was watching Countdown at the time.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53I'm not laddy, but I have a sort of naughty side.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54I call it Walrus -
0:20:54 > 0:20:58that's because my spirit animal is a walrus.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Don't worry, I don't believe in any of this nonsense.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02I don't believe in ghosts or that.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04I hate when people say they believe in ghosts.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08They say things like, "I saw a ghost at the end of my bed."
0:21:08 > 0:21:11It's always in a conveniently creepy place.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14No-one ever goes, "I saw a ghost in Morrisons." It doesn't happen.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21I was at this house party
0:21:21 > 0:21:24and there was a spirit healer there called Janet.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27She was so smug, she looked like she was constantly
0:21:27 > 0:21:29pissing into a hot tub and getting away with it.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31You know...
0:21:33 > 0:21:34So smug.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41She said, "I can tell you what your spirit animal is - it's a walrus."
0:21:41 > 0:21:44"What do I do with this information, Janet?!"
0:21:44 > 0:21:46It's useless.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49She said, "Walrus will talk to you and tell you to do things.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52"You should listen to that voice, that inner walrus."
0:21:52 > 0:21:55I shouldn't listen to my inner voice cos it's normally things like,
0:21:55 > 0:21:58"Kick that toddler!"
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Just a stream of unacceptable things...
0:22:02 > 0:22:04But she kept saying, "Listen to the voice."
0:22:04 > 0:22:07She said, "I do normally charge for this service.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10"It's normally £30, but as it's a party,
0:22:10 > 0:22:12"I'll do it for half-price, 15."
0:22:12 > 0:22:15I was like, "Walrus says you can piss off."
0:22:18 > 0:22:21The next day I found this walrus ring online by chance...
0:22:21 > 0:22:24after searching four hours for one.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Since I've been wearing it, friends of mine think it's changed me.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31They think I go into myself at social occasions, going,
0:22:31 > 0:22:36"What did you say, walrus? I couldn't possibly kill another prostitute."
0:22:36 > 0:22:37You know, silly things.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42I've noticed that walrus comes out with real jobsworths.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44I don't know if you've got this in London.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47In Birmingham we've an app where you can pay for parking on the app -
0:22:47 > 0:22:49you don't have to buy a ticket. I tried it for first time.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52You put the location code in, put the code in,
0:22:52 > 0:22:53went into a nearby coffee shop,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56just got my coffee and a parking enforcement officer was next
0:22:56 > 0:22:58to my car. That's what they call themselves.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01With his little computer and a pen on a string, in case he drops it.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Dickhead.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06He was putting my details in.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10I went out and said I had paid for parking. "Look, I've got a receipt on my phone.
0:23:10 > 0:23:11"It was eight minutes ago."
0:23:11 > 0:23:15He looked and went, "No, this location code is for Leeds."
0:23:15 > 0:23:18I said, "Clearly I made a mistake."
0:23:18 > 0:23:21He said, "Well, I don't know that, do I?"
0:23:21 > 0:23:24I was like, "Yes, you do."
0:23:24 > 0:23:31"Because if I am lying then what you're suggesting I have done is parked in Leeds
0:23:31 > 0:23:35"and then driven 120 miles in eight minutes.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38"That's what you're suggesting I've done."
0:23:40 > 0:23:43"I've put into the computer now. You'll have to complain at the office -
0:23:43 > 0:23:45"it's only five minutes down the road."
0:23:45 > 0:23:48That's about three seconds in my hypercar!
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Got to the office. Met sweaty Sharon. Oh, my God.
0:23:55 > 0:23:56It was so hot in that office.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00She looked like a bit of wet scrambled egg in a chair...
0:24:00 > 0:24:04So annoyed with life. She had a thick Brummie accent as well.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06She was talking to someone in the back office,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09she was going, "Is that you making me a cup of tea, Steve?"
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Then she looked at me and went, "The day I hear Steve making me
0:24:12 > 0:24:15"a cup of tea is the day I hear a rocking horse do a plop."
0:24:16 > 0:24:20That's the weirdest imagery I've ever heard, for a start.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23I explained the situation to her, gave her the phone.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26She looked at, looked at her computer, back to the phone.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28She went, "This says Leeds."
0:24:28 > 0:24:31"I know, Sharon, I put the wrong code in."
0:24:32 > 0:24:35"You'll have to complain to the Leeds office."
0:24:35 > 0:24:38"I've not been in Leeds, Sharon."
0:24:38 > 0:24:41She looks again and she's like, "But how did you get here so quickly?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48"You'd have had to break the speed limit."
0:24:48 > 0:24:51I would have had to break the speed of sound, Sharon!
0:24:52 > 0:24:56So annoyed, I said, "Is there anywhere else I can talk to about this?"
0:24:56 > 0:24:58She said, "You could speak to Steve over there."
0:24:58 > 0:25:00I decided not to speak to Steve for a number of reasons,
0:25:00 > 0:25:03the main one being he was trying to eat a yoghurt with a pen lid.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05I just didn't feel... LAUGHTER
0:25:05 > 0:25:10..like he was competent. You get a sense sometimes, don't you?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12So in the end I just had to leave. Paid the fine.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16Still got it to this day. After I'd left, walrus was like, "You idiot.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18"You could have done anything in there.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21"You could've killed her.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22"Got the perfect alibi.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25"Where you when the murder happened?"
0:25:25 > 0:25:28APPLAUSE
0:25:34 > 0:25:36I was in Leeds.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42I do it in shops as well. I went to Subway recently, Subway sandwiches.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46Their slogan up until recently was "Where winners eat."
0:25:46 > 0:25:48You only need to look at people in Subway...
0:25:50 > 0:25:53..to know they have quite a fluid definition of the word winner.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Most of the people in there can't win custody of their own kids,
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- so I don't know what they're winning. - Ooh!- Oh, some Subway fans in,
0:25:59 > 0:26:00I can feel it.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04I ordered a salad and a bottle of water,
0:26:04 > 0:26:08and I got to the till and the girl said, "Oh, there's a deal on.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11"If you get a cookie with this, the whole thing is cheaper
0:26:11 > 0:26:13"than if you didn't have the cookie."
0:26:13 > 0:26:15And I said, "Well, I don't want a cookie.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17"I'm trying to be healthy, hence why I'm having a salad.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20"So can I not have a cookie but still have the deal?"
0:26:20 > 0:26:22And she went, "No, you have to have the cookie.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27"Otherwise, when I count the cookies later, they're be a discrepancy."
0:26:28 > 0:26:29That's a big word!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35"I don't want this cookie. What am I going to do with this cookie?"
0:26:35 > 0:26:39And she said, "Why don't you give it to somebody in the street?"
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Who does that? "Do you want a cookie?" Are you mental?
0:26:46 > 0:26:48I said, "I don't want this cookie. Do you want the cookie?"
0:26:48 > 0:26:50She went, "Oh, are you sure?"
0:26:52 > 0:26:56"I've never been more sure of anything in my life.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58"Have the cookie."
0:26:58 > 0:27:01She's like, "What sort of cookie would you like?"
0:27:01 > 0:27:03"What sort of cookie would YOU like?!"
0:27:06 > 0:27:08"I can't decide. You have to decide for me."
0:27:08 > 0:27:10So I was now trying to guess. I was looking at the cookies.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12"Do you like white chocolate chips?"
0:27:12 > 0:27:15And she went, "No, I don't like white chocolate chips."
0:27:15 > 0:27:16"Do you like M&Ms?"
0:27:16 > 0:27:18She went, "Oh, yeah, I quite like M&Ms."
0:27:18 > 0:27:21So I said, "I'll have an M&M cookie, please."
0:27:21 > 0:27:22And she went, "Oh, good choice!"
0:27:24 > 0:27:26And then she tried to give it to me.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28I was like, "Why are you giving it to me?
0:27:28 > 0:27:29"It's yours."
0:27:29 > 0:27:32"Oh, you have to give it back to me as a gift - that's the law."
0:27:32 > 0:27:33That's not a law!
0:27:36 > 0:27:40And I got the cookie and I paid for it, and I held it in my hand...
0:27:40 > 0:27:41and walrus looked up at me.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44"She's wasted your time here."
0:27:46 > 0:27:48So I ate the cookie in front of her.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50APPLAUSE
0:27:54 > 0:27:55Just in one go. "Ah!"
0:27:55 > 0:27:58I checked the receipt when I got to the door as well - it was 50p more.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01So I went back to her and said, "Why is it 50p more?" And she went,
0:28:01 > 0:28:03"Oh, the M&M cookie isn't part of that deal."
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Oh, right, this is one I did. This is beautifully simple.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16You can do this as well. I'm so proud of this.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18I went into Emporio Armani
0:28:18 > 0:28:21with a Gregg's sausage roll. Watch the panic! Oh, my God.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Cos we all know the Gregg's sausage roll is one part pork
0:28:28 > 0:28:30to 99 parts pastry dust, isn't it?
0:28:32 > 0:28:33And the woman came up to me.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36First thing she said was, "Don't make any sudden movements."
0:28:36 > 0:28:38It's a pasty, not a bomb.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41I said, "I'll eat it when I leave."
0:28:41 > 0:28:42She said, "No, you must leave immediately.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45"The smell will get into the fabric."
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Smell doesn't transfer that quickly,
0:28:47 > 0:28:49otherwise all of the clothes in Primark
0:28:49 > 0:28:51would smell of broken dreams, wouldn't they?
0:28:58 > 0:28:59I said, "I just want to look at the shirts."
0:28:59 > 0:29:01She said, "Well, I'll look after that!"
0:29:01 > 0:29:04So now my sausage roll had a legal guardian.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07Put it in a creche with some steak bakes, I imagine.
0:29:09 > 0:29:12And I was walking round, looking at the shirts, and she really hated me.
0:29:12 > 0:29:13She had such a foul face on her.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25I found a shirt that I liked and I took it to the counter
0:29:25 > 0:29:27and she said, "Are you going to buy that?"
0:29:27 > 0:29:30And I said yes. And she said, "Well, before I forget..."
0:29:30 > 0:29:32And she got the sausage roll off the side,
0:29:32 > 0:29:34but because she was angry, she did it too quickly.
0:29:34 > 0:29:39And it spun out of the bag, literally spun, pissing flakes everywhere,
0:29:39 > 0:29:42like a boomerang with psoriasis. All...
0:29:44 > 0:29:47All over the shirt, all over me. She made a noise that was unusually low.
0:29:47 > 0:29:49She went, "Muaaaahhh..."
0:29:51 > 0:29:52I was in shock.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55Looked down at the shirt, brushed the flakes off, inspected it,
0:29:55 > 0:29:57and I just went, "The smell has got into the fabric",
0:29:57 > 0:30:00and stormed out.
0:30:00 > 0:30:01APPLAUSE
0:30:03 > 0:30:05This has been a dream come true.
0:30:05 > 0:30:06I've been Joe Lycett. Thank you so much.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14Joe Lycett!
0:30:19 > 0:30:22Your next act is a great comic and a lovely man.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24Please go wild for Mr Russell Kane.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40Hello. How are you doing, Apollo? Can't believe I am back again.
0:30:40 > 0:30:44Sarah Millican, ladies and gentlemen, don't you love her?
0:30:44 > 0:30:46This show is watched the world over,
0:30:46 > 0:30:48so it's great for trying to explain British humour.
0:30:48 > 0:30:50British people give me cheer...
0:30:50 > 0:30:52CHEERING
0:30:52 > 0:30:55Most of us. Who's not from the United Kingdom and Ireland, give me a cheer.
0:30:55 > 0:30:57CHEERING
0:30:57 > 0:31:00- Where are you from?- Australia. - Someone from Australia!
0:31:00 > 0:31:02QUIET CHEERING
0:31:02 > 0:31:06Now, I'm sorry, I haven't even begun yet. You see that lacklustre response?
0:31:06 > 0:31:08- What's your name, mate?- Nathan.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10IMITATES: Nathan from Australia, ladies and gentlemen.
0:31:10 > 0:31:14That's everything you need to know about the British attitude
0:31:14 > 0:31:15to social mores, right there.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18I was on stage in New York recently, tiny little club and went,
0:31:18 > 0:31:21"Anyone from overseas?" There was someone from New Zealand.
0:31:21 > 0:31:24The rest of the room, they went, "Oh, my God, New Zealand,
0:31:24 > 0:31:26"you're most welcome, hooray."
0:31:26 > 0:31:29SINGSONG VOICE: "Welcome to our club, someone from overseas is in the room,
0:31:29 > 0:31:31"the energy is increased."
0:31:31 > 0:31:33Right?
0:31:33 > 0:31:35I come on, asking if there's anyone from overseas.
0:31:35 > 0:31:37This gentleman goes, "I'm from Australia."
0:31:37 > 0:31:41Most of the people in this room went, "Go on, Russ, smash his head in."
0:31:42 > 0:31:44That's British humour.
0:31:44 > 0:31:45The point is this...
0:31:45 > 0:31:49The stereotype of us and Australia... Any Americans in? Give me a whoop.
0:31:49 > 0:31:52The stereotype of the Brits is this, we're still really awkward
0:31:52 > 0:31:55inward, shuffling along with our top hats, unable to express ourselves,
0:31:55 > 0:31:57sexually repressed, boiling over at any moment.
0:31:57 > 0:32:01That's true to a certain extent. Most of us spend our lives like that.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04What we also let out is the other side of being British which is,
0:32:04 > 0:32:06"Let's go fricking mental!"
0:32:06 > 0:32:10And what's weird about us is there's nothing in-between, yeah?
0:32:10 > 0:32:13Nearly every other culture in the world has an in-between gear. Not us.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15Awkward silence or destruction.
0:32:17 > 0:32:22Go abroad to a non-touristy part of Italy or Spain and experience
0:32:22 > 0:32:26the shame as you walk through the town square on a Friday night.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29What do you see? Families having drinks, civilised.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31Nanas are out, children walking around.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34"It's so safe in our town on a Friday night, hooray."
0:32:34 > 0:32:36Couples wobbling. A little bit tipsy but not off their heads.
0:32:36 > 0:32:38A paradise, ladies and gentlemen.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41It couldn't be more different from Southend-on-Sea where I'm from,
0:32:41 > 0:32:45where Donna is slashing into a drain while Gary films her and says,
0:32:45 > 0:32:49"We'll put your minge on Instagram, babe. No filter. Look at that."
0:32:51 > 0:32:53We don't have a medium.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56Your Aussie there, he might go out on a Monday.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58He'll have a few drinks on the Tuesday.
0:32:58 > 0:33:00Maybe a get-together on Wednesday.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02I'm not going to save up the whole week
0:33:02 > 0:33:05and then detonate like a social psycho on the Saturday. Why would I?
0:33:05 > 0:33:09Not us. Look at the face, nothing all week. I don't smile.
0:33:09 > 0:33:10I'll have a cup of tea on Monday,
0:33:10 > 0:33:14hot water on Wednesday, no food. A mint leaf on Thursday.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17It's Saturday! Smash up a bus stop. Back to work on Monday.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28We're like that sexually as well.
0:33:28 > 0:33:32Could that be the reason we're so messed up as a culture sexually?
0:33:32 > 0:33:34We're nothing and lots in that respect as well.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36You could be a 38-year-old woman,
0:33:36 > 0:33:38sat in an office, single, shitting yourself.
0:33:38 > 0:33:41The cats are already licking their lips. "One day, we'll eat you.
0:33:41 > 0:33:42"One day."
0:33:42 > 0:33:44"Please, I don't want to die alone!"
0:33:44 > 0:33:4638-year-old man sits opposite you. He's your dream man.
0:33:46 > 0:33:49Graham, childless. He's not damaged from a previous relationship,
0:33:49 > 0:33:51he just hasn't found lurve yet, ladies.
0:33:53 > 0:33:54Average female reaction - I will look away.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56I will not show interest.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58I would rather die and be shat out into Catsan
0:33:58 > 0:34:00than show him I'm interested. No, thank you.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02I will not. It's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday... It's Friday!
0:34:02 > 0:34:04Fingered behind a skip, back to work on Monday.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12Nothing or lots.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15It starts early. Have we got any of our brilliant teachers in the room?
0:34:15 > 0:34:17Give me a cheer. CHEERING
0:34:17 > 0:34:20I think teachers are amazing. I think this country is amazing,
0:34:20 > 0:34:24so why have we got the highest teenage pregnancy in Western Europe?
0:34:24 > 0:34:27Why? I'll tell you why cos we teach sex education at 14 -
0:34:27 > 0:34:28that's too late.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30They teach it very young.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32Scandinavian countries teach it at kindergarten
0:34:32 > 0:34:34with fuzzy felt. "Look, my willy is a fuzzy felt, children.
0:34:34 > 0:34:37"It goes in the mother, a baby is born, it's logical."
0:34:37 > 0:34:40Right? But we'll not talk about sex. We'll not discuss it.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42We'll teach it at 14, too late.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44Those of you with kids will know.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47Five and six-year-olds, they start asking. "Where do babies come from?"
0:34:47 > 0:34:49That's the age we should be teaching it, don't you think?
0:34:49 > 0:34:52You can draw a graph with the teenage pregnancy rate
0:34:52 > 0:34:55and how early sex education is taught in a culture.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58Therefore, we should be teaching it earlier.
0:34:58 > 0:35:00Even Nick Clegg came out with this one.
0:35:00 > 0:35:03He didn't speak it verbally, he's so far embedded in David Cameron's arse,
0:35:03 > 0:35:06he had to tap it out with his foot.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11Even Nick Clegg came out with, "We should teach sex at primary school."
0:35:11 > 0:35:14A woman appeared in the news going, "It's disgusting.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17"Absolutely vile that you could consider teaching sex to
0:35:17 > 0:35:20"an eight-year-old girl. She's not thinking about sex.
0:35:20 > 0:35:22"Why put the facts of sex into the head of the girl who's not
0:35:22 > 0:35:24"thinking about sex?" Do you know what?
0:35:24 > 0:35:26She's not thinking about maths or the Tudors either,
0:35:26 > 0:35:31so let's not teach anyone anything and let's see how far we get.
0:35:34 > 0:35:38Do you know what else is weird? You can spot British people on holiday.
0:35:38 > 0:35:41You don't need to hear a football chant or see a newspaper,
0:35:41 > 0:35:45or tattoo, you look across the pool, British. We move different.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48We even move slightly tight. Look at the way the Aussie moves, he's loose.
0:35:48 > 0:35:51He's moving every part of his body, the face is elastic,
0:35:51 > 0:35:54shaking itself around everywhere.
0:35:54 > 0:35:57Australian women actually orgasm like this... Wah-wah-wah...
0:36:01 > 0:36:03Have you never noticed it? I can tell looking in the front row
0:36:03 > 0:36:06who's English cos you're sat there, "Don't refer to me, please!"
0:36:06 > 0:36:09Posh people actually look at the floor when they lose their temper.
0:36:09 > 0:36:11"I won't be spoken to like that.
0:36:11 > 0:36:13"I do think Mr Farage has a point about Polish people.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16"You'll leave my driveway immediately, thank you very much."
0:36:17 > 0:36:19Working-class people go backwards.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22"Do not push me any further, mate. I will go...
0:36:22 > 0:36:23"all the way to the floor."
0:36:25 > 0:36:27Shrink.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29Gesticulating from below the rib cage, how weird is that?
0:36:29 > 0:36:32Every other culture in the world, move their faces.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34We don't move this top part of our face.
0:36:34 > 0:36:36Most of us, if we're posh, we don't move the top part of our face at all.
0:36:36 > 0:36:41Working class people draw in the top lip, no need for it whatsoever.
0:36:41 > 0:36:45Yeah? I don't even need my mouth to lose my temper.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47Could that be the reason - and I think it is -
0:36:47 > 0:36:49why we're so shit at second languages?
0:36:49 > 0:36:51Again, you can't blame the teachers.
0:36:51 > 0:36:53I don't think the people in this room are thick.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55Most of us just die of crushing embarrassment
0:36:55 > 0:36:58when we go to say a Spanish or French word.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01Have you experienced that? You know the word but you can't do it.
0:37:01 > 0:37:05You can't say "buenos dias". You felt like a tit. Right?
0:37:05 > 0:37:09You're not thick. You're just trained to have a British face.
0:37:09 > 0:37:11The correct way to say "buenos dias", as Spanish speakers will know
0:37:11 > 0:37:14is not like this, "Buenos dias." It's like this, "Buenos dias!"
0:37:14 > 0:37:16Look at how much of my face I am using.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19"Buenos dias. Tiene usted papel higienico por favor?"
0:37:19 > 0:37:21"Do you've any toilet paper, mate?"
0:37:21 > 0:37:23You need that one on holiday.
0:37:25 > 0:37:27Have you never had the app on the phone?
0:37:27 > 0:37:29"I've got the app. I've got the phrasebook.
0:37:29 > 0:37:31"I'm in Spain. I'm outside the supermercado.
0:37:31 > 0:37:32"I've got five San Miguels in me.
0:37:32 > 0:37:35"Watch and learn, lads. Watch and learn.
0:37:35 > 0:37:36"I'm so London, I walk like a crab."
0:37:38 > 0:37:41Into the shop... "I couldn't do it, I felt like a tit."
0:37:41 > 0:37:42Of course you couldn't!
0:37:42 > 0:37:45Most English, Scottish, Welsh and Irish people, we say hello like this.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47"Hello, hello, hello, hello..."
0:37:47 > 0:37:49We'd speak with horns if we could.
0:37:49 > 0:37:53HONKING SOUNDS
0:37:55 > 0:37:57Are there any French people in?
0:37:57 > 0:37:58I love France.
0:37:58 > 0:38:02It's one tiny country along and it's everything that we are not.
0:38:02 > 0:38:06I mean, take any part of French culture. Wine, blank, CHEESE!
0:38:06 > 0:38:09Cheese. British cheese, yeah. Look at the British cheese.
0:38:09 > 0:38:11Refrigerated for at least 48 hours.
0:38:11 > 0:38:13Double wrapped with a sell by date, foil, Clingfilm, foil.
0:38:13 > 0:38:15You need a breadknife to cut through it.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18Solid, British cheese, for solid, British people.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20In the freezer, preferably, wallop!
0:38:21 > 0:38:23Look at French cheese. "I've been out for 48 hours.
0:38:23 > 0:38:25"I've turned into liquid.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28"I smell slightly of..." APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:38:28 > 0:38:30"I've been in so many men tonight.
0:38:31 > 0:38:33"My name is Camembert."
0:38:35 > 0:38:40To say I love you in almost any other language sounds amazing. Italian...
0:38:40 > 0:38:43- What's your name, madam? - Louisa.- That ruins it.
0:38:43 > 0:38:46I was going to say, "Ti amo, Louisa."
0:38:46 > 0:38:48If I give an accent it's a bit better.
0:38:48 > 0:38:50I'd like a Sambuca, per favore.
0:38:53 > 0:38:55But it's "Ti amo".
0:38:55 > 0:38:57Ti amo. How beautiful is that? It's so expressive.
0:38:57 > 0:39:01Even if you didn't know that meant I love you, it matches my face.
0:39:01 > 0:39:05An Italian man probably dislocates his jaw if he's enough in love.
0:39:05 > 0:39:06"Ti amo.
0:39:06 > 0:39:09"I won't rest until my love is accepted."
0:39:09 > 0:39:12Can't be more different to how we declare our love in England.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15"If you'd like to come to the conservatory please, Carole,
0:39:15 > 0:39:17"I've got something to tell you. Thank you."
0:39:19 > 0:39:24"I love you. Sorry, I'm sorry about that I've felt that way for some time."
0:39:24 > 0:39:27That's how we have sex as well, Mr Australia.
0:39:27 > 0:39:31"Sorry, sorry, sorry, dear. Sorry, dear, sorry. Sorry, if it's inconvenient.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34"Sorry if it hurts. Sorry. Daily Telegraph, sorry."
0:39:43 > 0:39:44I know I'm making fun of us,
0:39:44 > 0:39:46I'm shining a light on us culturally,
0:39:46 > 0:39:49but there's something good about that. You're right to be sceptical.
0:39:49 > 0:39:51There's something good about holding feelings in.
0:39:51 > 0:39:55We don't need to let everything out. That's what made this country great.
0:39:55 > 0:39:57We're supposed to be a bit weird, have wonky teeth,
0:39:57 > 0:39:59wobbly bodies and then die on the dance floor in our 50s -
0:39:59 > 0:40:01that's what got us this far!
0:40:01 > 0:40:03We should be careful with Americanising our culture.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05You poor ladies with all the stuff in your magazines.
0:40:05 > 0:40:08"Everyone must have the same breasts. They must look the same.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10"Be wild in bed for your man. Are you wild enough?
0:40:10 > 0:40:13"You need to be like an American porn star or your man's going to leave.
0:40:13 > 0:40:16"Are you like an American porn star? Are you filthy enough?
0:40:16 > 0:40:18"Or he's going to leave you." What a lot of nonsense!
0:40:18 > 0:40:19British ladies, nonsense!
0:40:19 > 0:40:23Your only duty is to say, "Forgiven!" after "Sorry!" and nothing else!
0:40:27 > 0:40:29I'm not having a go at the USA - I love the place.
0:40:29 > 0:40:32The Americans, where are you? Any in my sight line?
0:40:32 > 0:40:33Where are you from?
0:40:33 > 0:40:35- Florida.- She's from Florida.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38Again, an awkward atmosphere straight afterwards.
0:40:38 > 0:40:41She's one of the good ones. She has a passport. She's travelled. Relax.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46She's not one of the "Horse shit!" She's not one of those, is she?
0:40:46 > 0:40:47"I didn't mean to hurt her, Papa,
0:40:47 > 0:40:49"but she was so purty I got carried away,
0:40:49 > 0:40:52"and now she's not breathing none." She's not one of those, is she?
0:40:57 > 0:41:00There's a problem when we try to be as expressive as you guys.
0:41:00 > 0:41:02And loads of you with sons must be really nervous.
0:41:02 > 0:41:04These boys growing up watching pornography.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07I'm not going to get on my high horse and be all leftie about pornography.
0:41:07 > 0:41:10We all watch it a bit, but it's surely got a damaging effect
0:41:10 > 0:41:13if you're mainlining it into your head when you're 14.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15You're going it grow up with a very warped perception
0:41:15 > 0:41:19of what real, English sex is like. It's not like American porn sex.
0:41:19 > 0:41:24It's not "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh, God, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...
0:41:24 > 0:41:26"I'm such a dirty girl. Why have I been so naughty?"
0:41:26 > 0:41:28No, thanks.
0:41:28 > 0:41:29Not on this island.
0:41:32 > 0:41:34How can we manage it in our tiny English houses?
0:41:34 > 0:41:36"They've got foxes next door,
0:41:36 > 0:41:38"the dirty bastards. Can you hear that?
0:41:38 > 0:41:39"Sort your bins out!"
0:41:45 > 0:41:47It's not just the girls. It's us boys as well.
0:41:47 > 0:41:49Have you seen the state of men lately?
0:41:49 > 0:41:52Just eating piles of chicken breast, injecting creatine.
0:41:52 > 0:41:56What's happened to us? This pornography with these weird hulks.
0:41:56 > 0:41:58I don't want to see some 18st guy,
0:41:58 > 0:42:00pumping like a sewing machine in a power surge.
0:42:00 > 0:42:02That doesn't make me feel good about myself.
0:42:02 > 0:42:04And they talk during sex.
0:42:04 > 0:42:06Can you think of anything less British, madam,
0:42:06 > 0:42:08than talking during sex? The American men...
0:42:08 > 0:42:10"Do you like that? Huh? "Do you like that, you dirty girl?
0:42:10 > 0:42:13"Do you see what I'm doing?" "I see what you're doing, Brad."
0:42:13 > 0:42:15"I bet you do, you dirty girl. Watch what I'm doing."
0:42:15 > 0:42:17"I'm watching." "Yeah?" "Yeah!" "Yeah?"
0:42:17 > 0:42:19Having a chat?! No, thanks.
0:42:23 > 0:42:25Imagine if this English couple went home and tried that.
0:42:25 > 0:42:27"Do you see what I'm doing to you, Carole?
0:42:27 > 0:42:28"Do you see that, do you?"
0:42:30 > 0:42:32"I see what you're doing, Gary. Get on with it.
0:42:32 > 0:42:35"We're going to miss the Ocado van at this rate."
0:42:37 > 0:42:40No, thanks. Not here. Not on this island.
0:42:42 > 0:42:44Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for listening.
0:42:44 > 0:42:47Keep supporting live comedy, keep watching live comedy.
0:42:47 > 0:42:50I'm Russell Kane, thank you very much. Good night.
0:42:57 > 0:42:59Russell Kane!
0:43:02 > 0:43:04You've been an amazing audience.
0:43:04 > 0:43:08Please show your appreciation for Joe Lycett, Russell Kane,
0:43:08 > 0:43:10I've been Sarah Millican, good night.