0:00:19 > 0:00:21Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
0:00:21 > 0:00:23your host for tonight, Jason Manford!
0:00:23 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Ohhh!
0:00:33 > 0:00:38Always surprises me! Hiya! Good evening!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Welcome to Live At The Apollo!
0:00:40 > 0:00:43CHEERING
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Look at this! Give us a cheer, people from London.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47CHEERING
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Oh, wow! A fair amount. Any northerners?
0:00:49 > 0:00:51- CHEERING - Of course.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Of course there are. They love a free night out, don't you?
0:00:54 > 0:00:58It's the only way they could afford to come down here.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00They're all sharing a lift back.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06We also pepper the audience, er, with celebrities, as well,
0:01:06 > 0:01:07that's what we like to do.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10We've got the Dragons. We've got a couple of Dragons over here, where?
0:01:10 > 0:01:11There's Deborah. Hello, Deborah!
0:01:11 > 0:01:13And Kelly, hello again!
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Look at this!
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Do you watch Dragons' Den?
0:01:17 > 0:01:18It's a great show, I love it.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21It's nice to know that even though they're multimillionaires,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24they don't mind a free ticket for something. I respect that.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27That's how you stay rich.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30We've got Danny, as well. Where's Danny Kerr?
0:01:30 > 0:01:34There he is! Danny Kerr from the England rugby team. Lovely stuff.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39They said... They said to me, "Oh, we put some celebrities at the front
0:01:39 > 0:01:41"for you to take the mickey out of."
0:01:41 > 0:01:44I said, "Oh, lovely, who's there?" "Danny Kerr from the England rugby team."
0:01:44 > 0:01:46"Yeah, I'll pick on him, yeah, great."
0:01:46 > 0:01:48And we've got Heidi. Where's Heidi?
0:01:48 > 0:01:49There's Heidi over there.
0:01:49 > 0:01:54Hello, Heidi. Heidi, you'll remember from the Sugababes, of course.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57You were always my favourite Sugababe, which is
0:01:57 > 0:02:01saying something cos there was about 240, if I recall.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04At one point they were Britain's third biggest employer
0:02:04 > 0:02:05after Tesco and the NHS.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Applause for our celebrities for joining in.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I've got twin daughters, twin daughters.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20My twin daughters are five.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22I was in Scunthorpe one night.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24I'm not showing off, I get to some nice places.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26And I confused a women with it.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28I was on stage and I said, "Has anyone else got twins?"
0:02:28 > 0:02:32A women went, "Yeah, I have." I said, "How old are they?" "Five and six."
0:02:32 > 0:02:35I was like, "What's wrong with you? How've you done that?"
0:02:35 > 0:02:37There's a weird moment with twins,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40when they get to about two, you just start to hate people with one kid.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42You see them in the park,
0:02:42 > 0:02:46you're like, "Oh, you all right there with your spare hand, yeah?"
0:02:51 > 0:02:54They love getting up early, my kids. My God.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Quarter to six every morning, no matter how much stuff
0:02:57 > 0:02:58I put in front of their door.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!"
0:03:02 > 0:03:06"Look, I don't love you till eight, that's how my brain works."
0:03:06 > 0:03:09I mean 8am, not the age of eight, that'd be a bit harsh,
0:03:09 > 0:03:10wouldn't it?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13"Three more years and you get a hug, now, go on, get out.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16"Get out in the garden where you live."
0:03:17 > 0:03:21It's hard. Don't get me wrong, there's some beautiful moments with
0:03:21 > 0:03:23children, there's some great moments.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25This happened recently - there's a moment with your
0:03:25 > 0:03:29children where you look at them and it seems obvious, it seems obvious,
0:03:29 > 0:03:33but there's a moment you look at them and they do something so
0:03:33 > 0:03:39like you, that you realise for the first time this little human is
0:03:39 > 0:03:43just a mini version of you, you've created a mini version of you.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45And it's magical, and it sounds obvious but when it happens it's
0:03:45 > 0:03:49brilliant. I was in the park with my daughter, she's five years old.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51And we're in the toddler park near the house
0:03:51 > 0:03:53and it's got one of those toddler swings,
0:03:53 > 0:03:55the ones you put your legs through,
0:03:55 > 0:03:57not the normal swing that anyone can go on.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59And we're stood next to the swing
0:03:59 > 0:04:01and there's a girl trying to get on the swings.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04She's about 14, she shouldn't even be in the toddler park.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06She's quite a big girl, right?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Just, you know what I mean, a big girl, right?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11(She's fat, right?)
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I didn't want to say that, but she was fat.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Anyway, she was trying to get in the toddler swing
0:04:19 > 0:04:22and it was a bit annoying, but you know, we're British
0:04:22 > 0:04:24and we queued and waited and I said to my daughter,
0:04:24 > 0:04:28"Sweetheart, do you want me to ask this girl to get off the swing?"
0:04:28 > 0:04:31She's showing off to her friends in the corner, this girl.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34And my daughter assessed the situation,
0:04:34 > 0:04:36she saw the big girl trying to get in the tiny swing
0:04:36 > 0:04:38and she said, "No, Daddy,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40"I'd like to see what happens."
0:04:52 > 0:04:55She'd seen the situation,
0:04:55 > 0:04:57she's got a very basic grasp of physics
0:04:57 > 0:05:01and she's thought to herself, "I might get to see a fire engine here!"
0:05:04 > 0:05:06It's not always that brilliant, it's not always that easy.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09There's hard moments, isn't there?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11People are hard on themselves,
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Good parents are hard on themselves - "Why's my son not doing that yet?
0:05:14 > 0:05:18"Why's my daughter not doing well at school? Why won't he eat his vegetables? Why'd he fail his GCSEs?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21"Why can't she pass her driving test? Why's my son in prison?"
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Whatever it is, it's not always your fault.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25I've got one very simple rule, now - if I get to the end of the day
0:05:25 > 0:05:28and they're all still alive, I think, "Well done, me".
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Because that is hard enough as it is, with toddlers.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33"I'm going to jump off the top bunk Daddy. Can I play with this knife?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35"Can I put my finger in a plug while I'm wet?"
0:05:35 > 0:05:39These little suicidal, bipolar midgets wrecking your house!
0:05:39 > 0:05:42And then YOU'RE hard on YOURself!
0:05:42 > 0:05:47Some people do get it wrong. I saw a woman in Tesco recently,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50And she had a five-year-old and a two-year-old.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Out of nowhere, the five-year-old just went, buffft!
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Hit the two-year-old in the face, no reason.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Don't need a reason when you're five, it was alive and smiling, that's enough, buffft!
0:05:58 > 0:06:01The mother grabbed the five-year-old and went, "Becky,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03"we do not smack people!"
0:06:08 > 0:06:12Now I'm no Supernanny, but I think you might be sending out
0:06:12 > 0:06:15some mixed messages.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Kid had the best answer, she went, "I never smacked her, Mummy, I just high-fived her in the face!"
0:06:19 > 0:06:23That's actually a let-off in our house. Just so you know. If they come back with a witty answer.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27It's so weird, the smacking thing. I never got smacked as a kid.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Seems an odd thing to introduce, these little creatures that love me
0:06:30 > 0:06:34more than anything in the world just to, bufffft, slip a slap in a day. That seems harsh.
0:06:34 > 0:06:39I know it's not random - "There's nowt on telly, shall we smack the kids?" It's more serious than that.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40But you've got to be more imaginative
0:06:40 > 0:06:43with your punishments, you've got to think outside the box.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Think of other things you can do.
0:06:45 > 0:06:50A friend said, "That little sensor in the living room where the red light comes on, tell them
0:06:50 > 0:06:54"It's Father Christmas checking in, making sure everybody's being well behaved."
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Who's used that?
0:06:56 > 0:07:01Lovely, there's newer parents looking at me like, "Tell me more, Sensei, I'm writing this down!"
0:07:01 > 0:07:03It worked a charm for about four months in my house
0:07:03 > 0:07:07until one afternoon, I came into the living room, they're both sat
0:07:07 > 0:07:10there with the Argos catalogue, showing it the toy section.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16We'll have two of them, please, Santa, while you're here.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Count to three. People say, "Oh, just count to three."
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Why are we doing the count to three? The count to three doesn't work.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28All you're doing with the count to three is giving them
0:07:28 > 0:07:31two more goes at whatever they did wrong in the first place.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32"Stop doing that with your sister's hair!
0:07:32 > 0:07:35"Bweeeerrr." "Pack it in, don't make me count to three!"
0:07:35 > 0:07:37"Bweeeeerrr!"
0:07:37 > 0:07:39"One!"
0:07:41 > 0:07:43"Bweeerrr...?"
0:07:43 > 0:07:47You may as well take that, that's a free one! "Two!"
0:07:47 > 0:07:50And at two, you are both thinking the same thing -
0:07:50 > 0:07:52"I wonder what happens at three?"
0:07:53 > 0:07:57Cos you've got nothing at three! "Get to your room!"
0:07:57 > 0:08:02"What, you mean the best room in the house where all my toys are? All right, I'll go there.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05"It's like Guantanamo, isn't it? Just lying on our own bed!"
0:08:07 > 0:08:10What about the naughty step, who uses the naughty step?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12ALL: Yeah!
0:08:12 > 0:08:14The naughty step doesn't work in my house.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17It might work for you, doesn't work for me. I've got two five-year-olds.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20They're great. I've got this other daughter. That's what I call her.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23She's... No, she's magical, she's beautiful,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26she's three years old, she's fabulous, but...she's weird.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30And I know that seems harsh, but she'll never see this show.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31She's weird.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35And people say to me, "You can't say that about your own daughter," but she's weird.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37I mean verging on sinister.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40I'd go that far. She never cries, I've never seen her cry.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Everyone else thinks she's brilliant, "She never cries."
0:08:42 > 0:08:45I'm like, "Yeah, don't leave me in the room with her."
0:08:45 > 0:08:46LAUGHTER
0:08:48 > 0:08:51She's just got a touch of the Damiens about her. You know?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55She's sinister. Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night,
0:08:55 > 0:08:59she's always awake at the end of the landing, just staring out like that.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04"How long you been there, sweetheart?"
0:09:04 > 0:09:05"A while."
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Take this, one morning I went running into her room, she'd had
0:09:10 > 0:09:13a nightmare. I went running into her room and she was screaming
0:09:13 > 0:09:16and I gave her a big cuddle. I said, "You all right, sweetheart?"
0:09:16 > 0:09:19As I pulled her away, she looked past me into the darkness.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22I said, "What's up?"
0:09:22 > 0:09:23She said, "Daddy!
0:09:23 > 0:09:26"The evil monkeys are behind you."
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Any other kid you'd say, "Don't be silly, sweetheart, that's just a bad dream."
0:09:30 > 0:09:33But with her, I looked.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35That's me first response.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36LAUGHTER
0:09:38 > 0:09:41"Don't do that, love, don't do that."
0:09:42 > 0:09:45And the other two, they pick on her sometimes, they pick on her!
0:09:45 > 0:09:47And they're bigger than her, but she wins.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50And kids have got some nasty fighting techniques, haven't they?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Like the pinch and twist. You know about the pinch and twist?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55They grab a bit of chubby leg or arm and pinch it then twist it?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Horrible! Even if two blokes were fighting in a pub car park and one
0:09:58 > 0:10:02did that, you'd be, "Mate, that's a bit low, innit? He'd be like, "Sorry, pal!"
0:10:02 > 0:10:03One of them came in, did this, right?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06They did the pinch and twist on her leg, pinched it, twisted it.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09This was the reaction. She went, "Ah, oh!"
0:10:15 > 0:10:16And everyone else is like,
0:10:16 > 0:10:18"Oh, isn't she great? She never cries." I'm like, "Yeah.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21"I think she might kill us in our sleep one day."
0:10:23 > 0:10:25And she can wait two or three days for revenge.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27She'll see the other two - "Oh, you watching Peppa Pig?"
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Bumf! Bumf! Take them both out like a hit man.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31And this is the weirdest thing,
0:10:31 > 0:10:35she goes and sits on the naughty step, by herself!
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Just sat there like that, "Was worth it. Was worth it."
0:10:38 > 0:10:41LAUGHTER
0:10:44 > 0:10:45There's no thanks, is there?
0:10:45 > 0:10:46There's no thanks with kids.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Some horrible jobs, isn't there?
0:10:48 > 0:10:50I mean, the wiping of a kid's bum,
0:10:50 > 0:10:51that's never going to get fun, is it?
0:10:51 > 0:10:52Nobody gets a "thank you".
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Is there any worse sound than being in the middle of dinner
0:10:55 > 0:10:57and somewhere in the house just hearing,
0:10:57 > 0:11:00"I've finished!"
0:11:02 > 0:11:04You get up there, they're already waiting -
0:11:04 > 0:11:06"Get it wiped!"
0:11:06 > 0:11:08What do they do at school?
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Teacher's not got enough hours in the day to be wiping 30 arses!
0:11:11 > 0:11:13"Don't worry, Miss, I'll get me dad to do it when I get home."
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Like, these kids are mugging us off!
0:11:15 > 0:11:18My daughter come running in a little while ago from the garden.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21She said, er... She come in the kitchen and she went,
0:11:21 > 0:11:23"I've not done anything."
0:11:23 > 0:11:25LAUGHTER
0:11:25 > 0:11:28I said, "What have you done?"
0:11:28 > 0:11:31She said, "I'm really sorry..." This is unbelievable,
0:11:31 > 0:11:33she looked at me she went, "I'm really sorry,
0:11:33 > 0:11:36"but I've had a poo in my knickers."
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I was like, "What have you done that for? You're a big girl!
0:11:39 > 0:11:41"You go to the toilet or tell Daddy and I'll take you!"
0:11:41 > 0:11:45She came up with the greatest defence you have ever heard.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46She looked up at me,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49big Disney princess eyes and a trembling lip, she went...
0:11:52 > 0:11:54"..I was just having so much fun I forgot."
0:11:54 > 0:11:57LAUGHTER
0:11:57 > 0:12:01How can you tell a kid off for having too much fun?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03If anything, I was jealous.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07That was my first emotion, jealousy.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Cos I'm fun. You ask any of my mates - "Oh, Jason. Yeah, he's fun."
0:12:09 > 0:12:12I've never had that much fun.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13I mean, you're fun, look at you!
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Here at the Apollo having a great old time.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18You're in the top 3% of fun people in this country,
0:12:18 > 0:12:21let me tell you that! But cast your minds back, have a little think.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23When was the last time you were having that much fun
0:12:23 > 0:12:26you literally shit your own pants?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28It's unheard of! No-one's ever left a party -
0:12:28 > 0:12:30"Hey, Steve, great party!
0:12:30 > 0:12:31"Margery's had a shit in her knickers."
0:12:31 > 0:12:35It's never happened!
0:12:35 > 0:12:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act of the evening?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- ALL:- Yeah!
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Please welcome Chris Ramsey!
0:12:48 > 0:12:52CHEERING
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Yes!
0:12:57 > 0:12:58Hello!
0:12:58 > 0:13:00How you doing? You all right?
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Yes. Thank you very much for having us. This is very exciting.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06My name's Chris, I'm from the north-east.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- CHEERING - Don't you patronise me.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11LAUGHTER
0:13:11 > 0:13:14It's weird when you find... A lot of people think I'm a Geordie.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16You've got this accent, they assume that you're a Geordie.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17I'm not a Geordie.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20If you're a Geordie you're from Newcastle, you're a Geordie.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22I'm from a little town called South Shields.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23CHEERING
0:13:23 > 0:13:26That's never happened down here!
0:13:26 > 0:13:29If people think you're a Geordie, they think you're a bit rough.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31They think you're up for a bit of a scrap. That's not me.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Look at the state of us! That's not me.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35We don't do ourselves any favours, though.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37The Angel Of The North - that's not an angel.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39That's just a bloke starting a fight.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43LAUGHTER
0:13:45 > 0:13:47It's awesome being on telly, but you've got to be careful.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50You've got to be careful. You don't want to upset anyone.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52You don't want to offend anyone, right? I'm not that guy.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54I get offended by stuff when I watch the telly. I do.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56I genuinely nearly complained,
0:13:56 > 0:13:58I nearly phoned up and complained recently.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02I was watching an advert during the day, before the watershed, right?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04I was mortified by what I saw, right?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I love a clever advert, a clever little advert.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09A bit of PR, doesn't let you know what's happening.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10It's like a little film.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13It gets you at the beginning and you've got to watch to the end
0:14:13 > 0:14:14to work out what it's about.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15I think that's genius. I love it.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17I started watching it.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19I was mortified. This is what happened.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22It was a young lady standing in a wine bar, holding a glass of wine.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24She looked at the camera. She went,
0:14:24 > 0:14:25"Oh, me?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27"Oh, I'm a folder."
0:14:27 > 0:14:29LAUGHTER
0:14:29 > 0:14:32I thought, "What's happening here?"
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Cut to a guy in a building site, digging a hole. He went,
0:14:34 > 0:14:37"Me? I'm a scruncher."
0:14:37 > 0:14:38I thought, "OK, I'm hooked!
0:14:38 > 0:14:41"This is a clever little advert, what are they talking about?"
0:14:41 > 0:14:42I sat down, I turned it up.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44I was eating a sandwich. Right?
0:14:44 > 0:14:45I was enjoying myself.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Cut to a guy walking down the street - "I'm a folder, too."
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Another guy on a bike - "I'm a scruncher."
0:14:49 > 0:14:52This is amazing! What's happening here? What do they mean?
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Folder, scruncher, folder, scruncher!
0:14:54 > 0:14:55The suspense was killing us!
0:14:55 > 0:14:57It got to the end of the advert. It said,
0:14:57 > 0:15:00"Tweet in now, and tell us whether you're a folder or a scruncher,
0:15:00 > 0:15:02"@Andrex."
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Uhhh!
0:15:05 > 0:15:11Andrex polled the nation to ask whether we fold the paper or scrunch
0:15:11 > 0:15:15the paper as we scrape the remnants of waste
0:15:15 > 0:15:18from our back passages.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24Is NOTHING in this world sacred any more?
0:15:24 > 0:15:27That is revolting, first of all, and secondly, I'm sorry,
0:15:27 > 0:15:31but who the hell is scrunching - who's doing that?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Who's doing that? I didn't know that was a thing!
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Are you folding the paper along the lines
0:15:37 > 0:15:40provided like a civilised human being, or are you just gathering
0:15:40 > 0:15:46it up like a Neanderthal getting a handful of undergrowth in a forest?
0:15:46 > 0:15:51Argh! Roaaaar! It's under me nails and I feel alive!
0:15:51 > 0:15:54LAUGHTER
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Tweet in and tell us whether you fold or scrunch - I mean, come on!
0:16:01 > 0:16:04I know Twitter's largely pointless, but howay!
0:16:04 > 0:16:08It is - like, the more technologically advanced our forms of communication get,
0:16:08 > 0:16:12the more pointless the subject matter seems to be.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14You think about it - you would never tweet someone something
0:16:14 > 0:16:16important, or relevant, would you?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18You would never tweet someone to inform them
0:16:18 > 0:16:21of a death in the family - be a bit harsh.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25"Dad's dead #fail."
0:16:27 > 0:16:31It is fun winding people up on the internet, it really is.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35It's even funnier to wind people up in real life, let's be honest.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Me and me mate used to do this game, right, you've got do it on a busy high street.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42It's a great game. Imagine the stage is a busy high street and the middle here,
0:16:42 > 0:16:45this is the moment where you cross past another group of people,
0:16:45 > 0:16:49in a high street. You're walking with your mates, they're walking with theirs. You walk past them,
0:16:49 > 0:16:53you're not shouting, they're not shouting. But there's always that moment
0:16:53 > 0:16:56when you walk past people in a high street, and for a moment you hear
0:16:56 > 0:16:59a bit of their conversion and they hear a bit of yours.
0:16:59 > 0:17:04The game is, you ensure, that that passing group
0:17:04 > 0:17:07hears the most messed up shit...
0:17:09 > 0:17:11..you can possibly dream up.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Me and me mate were walking down Northumberland Street
0:17:14 > 0:17:18in Newcastle, right - man and woman walking towards us, holding hands having a lovely day.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20We RUINED it!
0:17:20 > 0:17:25This statement that this man heard while walking past,
0:17:25 > 0:17:27it asks so many more questions than it answers.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31Imagine hearing this by a passing stranger in a high street -
0:17:31 > 0:17:34man and woman walking that way, me and me mate Andy walking this way.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36This is what Andy said, and I quote,
0:17:36 > 0:17:39"Well, I didn't kill him, but I was holding the dildo."
0:17:39 > 0:17:41LAUGHTER
0:17:45 > 0:17:48That RUINS your afternoon! His head nearly exploded!
0:17:50 > 0:17:53My mate invented that game. I haven't got that kind of mind.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56My mate - every comedian's got a joke about their daft mate.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00He's not me daft mate - his name's Andy, he's not my daft mate.
0:18:00 > 0:18:05He is my GENIUS mate, hiding in the body of my daft mate.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08And that's a terrifying thing - he can beat you in an argument
0:18:08 > 0:18:13without giving you anything relevant to what you are talking about.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15It's like a Jedi mind trick, he just goes, blurt!
0:18:15 > 0:18:19And you just reset and forgot what you were arguing about. I saw him do it once,
0:18:19 > 0:18:23he came into a lecture in college 45 minutes late.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26It was an hour-long lecture - the man is a maniac.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29He walked in like nothing was wrong, he just went, "All right?" And he walked to the back.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33The teacher went, "Andrew!" Quite right! "Andrew, get back here now.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37"Are you kidding me, son? You are 45 minutes late.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41"There's 15 minutes left in this lecture. Where have you been?"
0:18:41 > 0:18:44It was the greatest excuse, I've ever heard -
0:18:44 > 0:18:46take it, use it, cherish it.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49She had nothing. He went, "I fell over."
0:18:49 > 0:18:53LAUGHTER
0:18:59 > 0:19:02That is beautiful! Do you know why?
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Because she had never been handed something so stupid.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08She had no response.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10She had never been on that playing field.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13She stammered, she went, "Er, careful next time."
0:19:13 > 0:19:14Careful next time?
0:19:14 > 0:19:18I'd have been, "Get back here, sunshine! Where did you fall - down a canyon?
0:19:18 > 0:19:23"45 minutes? Better have some climbing gear with you!"
0:19:23 > 0:19:25He did it to me once. I was furious, right?
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Never been so confused. And annoyed.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31I went to go...I went to Dubai to do some gigs
0:19:31 > 0:19:33when I was first starting out.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Amazing, it's like the poshest place I've ever been.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39I told all the lads cos I got to stay, right, Northern lad,
0:19:39 > 0:19:42I got to stay on the island shaped like a palm tree.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45They made an island shaped like a palm tree.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46Cos money is no object over there,
0:19:46 > 0:19:49it's like a Bond villain lived there, it's crazy, right?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Made an island, I took a photo of it, I showed all me mates, I went, "Lads, look."
0:19:52 > 0:19:54It's clearly a man-made structure.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58I went, "Lads, stayed on the island shaped like a palm tree."
0:19:58 > 0:20:00All me mates went, "Cracking, well done."
0:20:00 > 0:20:04Andy went, "Island shaped like a palm tree? Is it man-made?"
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Uhh!
0:20:06 > 0:20:08And I thought, "Here we go again.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11"I don't want to be that guy - oh, your geography knowledge is terrible!"
0:20:11 > 0:20:14I was - I went, "Ha-ha! Of course it's man-made, you moron."
0:20:14 > 0:20:19I had nothing for what he gave me. He went, "Erm, well,
0:20:19 > 0:20:21"Italy's shaped like a boot."
0:20:21 > 0:20:24LAUGHTER
0:20:28 > 0:20:32My name's Chris Ramsey. You've been absolutely awesome, Apollo - good night!
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Chris Ramsey! Oh, wow!
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Are you ready for your next act?
0:20:44 > 0:20:49Ladies and gentlemen of the Apollo, please welcome, Doc Brown!
0:20:49 > 0:20:54APPLAUSE
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Yeah!
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08HE LAUGHS
0:21:08 > 0:21:11I'm Doc. From London.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12CHEERS
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Yeah.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Spiritual home of the aggressive knob.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21And I love it. Yeah.
0:21:21 > 0:21:27Anyway, where else, where else could the risk of a murder increase
0:21:27 > 0:21:32due to someone taking slightly too long in a post office transaction?
0:21:34 > 0:21:36What's he doing?
0:21:36 > 0:21:40Where else, where else could you get trick or treated in the street?
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Mm. Yeah. Yeah?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47I've been a victim.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Yeah, last Halloween, I was leaving,
0:21:49 > 0:21:53I was leaving a pub half eleven at night,
0:21:53 > 0:21:56right. When these two, erm,
0:21:56 > 0:22:00I'm going to call them little shits, right,
0:22:00 > 0:22:04came out of the shadows talking about, "Hey! Trick or treat?
0:22:04 > 0:22:08"Yo, trick or treat, trick or treat, bruv?"
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Costumes designed exclusively by JD Sports, right.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16"Trick or treat, bruv?"
0:22:16 > 0:22:19"Hold on, hold on - where are your costumes?
0:22:19 > 0:22:23"You haven't even got masks on." "Nah, trick or treat, innit?
0:22:23 > 0:22:27"Trick or treat, fam."
0:22:27 > 0:22:30"OK, let's, look everybody, let's just relax.
0:22:30 > 0:22:35Right, let's just relax. I, I am leaving a public house, OK?
0:22:35 > 0:22:38It's an adult establishment, half eleven at night,
0:22:38 > 0:22:43I'm doing adult things, I do not have any sweets on my person, right?
0:22:43 > 0:22:47And they look and me and go, "Nah, we just want money, innit, just want money, bruv."
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Well, I say, "This is not trick or treating, is it?"
0:22:50 > 0:22:54Strictly speaking, this is a mugging. Let's call it what it is.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Right. Pressure.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Feel it, all the time, pressure to conform, to be tough.
0:23:00 > 0:23:05For boys, little boys, younger and younger - that pressure to be tough.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07To be gangsta.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10I mean, I have two little girls, I've got a five-year-old
0:23:10 > 0:23:13and an eight-year-old. Don't have to worry about toughness as such.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16They're cool - but some of their little friends?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Where I live, kind of a rough area,
0:23:18 > 0:23:22type of place estate agents might describe to you as vibrant, right?
0:23:24 > 0:23:29Where I live, some of the little boys? Sheesh!
0:23:29 > 0:23:33Listen, I will have play dates for everybody in my block,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I don't mind, I love having little kids around, you know,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39if it's raining, stick on a DVD.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40Lion King, something like that.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44You know and it's cute watching them - when the scary bits come on, they all hide their faces
0:23:44 > 0:23:48behind the cushions and stuff. But there's this one kid, this little boy from the flat upstairs,
0:23:48 > 0:23:52When the scary bits come on he's just like, "Yeaaaah!
0:23:53 > 0:23:54HE GROWLS
0:23:57 > 0:23:59"Yeah, that's right.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02"Scar does not piss about, bruv!"
0:24:06 > 0:24:10He's six, six. Terrifying!
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Right, I took a whole bunch of them to Hackney Empire,
0:24:13 > 0:24:15East London, last Christmas,
0:24:15 > 0:24:18to watch a panto - you know, not out of a kind of a bleeding heart
0:24:18 > 0:24:20let's-go-on-a-residential kind of - no!
0:24:20 > 0:24:23I just wanted to study this little kid a little longer.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26I wanted to see what made this little prick tick, right?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28I wanted to know, right.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32And we all sat down the front, and erm, the narrator,
0:24:32 > 0:24:35the narrator, he minced on talking about,
0:24:35 > 0:24:40"Now if you see the naughty man, will you let me know?"
0:24:40 > 0:24:43I'm looking at this kid - he's just sat there like,
0:24:43 > 0:24:45"Nah, ain't no snitches in here, fam."
0:24:45 > 0:24:47LAUGHTER
0:24:52 > 0:24:57I remember that age, though. I remember that age. Wasn't that long ago, it was a while back.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01You know what I wanted to be when I was that age - I wanted to be a rapper. Believe it or not.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04I never, I never really felt like I had a tough enough background,
0:25:04 > 0:25:09you know - I'd never been to prison. You know?
0:25:09 > 0:25:10And I wasn't one of those kids,
0:25:10 > 0:25:13I knew kids who would do just enough crime, in order to get just
0:25:13 > 0:25:18the requisite amount of time behind bars to boast about, you know?
0:25:18 > 0:25:21I was never one of those. I don't think I could maintain that
0:25:21 > 0:25:25tough facade, behind bars...in fact, even just using words like facade.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27LAUGHTER
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Probably blow my cover...
0:25:31 > 0:25:33relatively early.
0:25:34 > 0:25:39No, but I do, I still have fond memories, being a teen,
0:25:39 > 0:25:41sat around with my mates.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Throwing topics at each other to do like freestyle
0:25:44 > 0:25:46rhymes about, you know.
0:25:46 > 0:25:51If anyone had er, offer, offer, like maybe suggest police... Hah!
0:25:51 > 0:25:56The P word! Yeah, guaranteed someone would jump up like, "Yo!
0:25:56 > 0:25:58"Nah, nah, check this out - yo, yo! Yo?
0:26:01 > 0:26:04"Yo, I just want to, live my life but feds keep watching me."
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Yeah.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14"Every second man, po-leece are clocking me.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16"So many times I get this in a day.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20"Somebody tell me why they discriminate.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23"I'm on my way to a weed sale...
0:26:25 > 0:26:29"got the drugs in the car, by the knife, no seat belt.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34"Whoa. Uh, yeah.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35"No wing mirror.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38"No licence,
0:26:38 > 0:26:41"and my nephew taught me how to drive this.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46"Cocaine and a big glass of rum, too.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48"Shoot my gun in the air through the sunroof.
0:26:50 > 0:26:55"Whoo, whoo! Oh man, I don't believe this!
0:26:55 > 0:26:58"Prejudiced policeman - what's the reason?
0:26:58 > 0:27:01"Yo, yo."
0:27:01 > 0:27:05APPLAUSE
0:27:05 > 0:27:09"Hmm. My gun, my knife - my drugs you want to take?
0:27:09 > 0:27:14"My bootleg DVDs you confiscate? And now I can't drink and drive?
0:27:14 > 0:27:18"Why won't these pigs let me live my life, like
0:27:18 > 0:27:20"Hnn, hnn, hnn, hnn!
0:27:20 > 0:27:23"Hnn, hnn, hnn, hnn!
0:27:23 > 0:27:26"Hnn, hnn, hnn, hnn!
0:27:29 > 0:27:30"Hnn, hnn, hnn, hnn!"
0:27:30 > 0:27:35And it's an awkward moment, right - it's an awkward moment,
0:27:35 > 0:27:39in that room, you know, cos, I'm amongst friends here.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44And they're looking at me for some kind of response, you know - "Hnn, hnn, hnn, hnn!
0:27:45 > 0:27:47I don't know what to say.
0:27:47 > 0:27:52So I'm stood there like an idiot, going, "Yeah, yeaaaah, bruv.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57"Bloody...police."
0:27:59 > 0:28:02"Grrrr!
0:28:02 > 0:28:06"Clamping down on...illegal activity."
0:28:14 > 0:28:18Ladies and gents, thanks very much. I'm Doc Brown. Peace, good night!
0:28:18 > 0:28:22APPLAUSE
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Doc Brown!
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Ladies and gentlemen,
0:28:29 > 0:28:32please give it up for the acts you saw tonight, you saw Chris Ramsey!
0:28:32 > 0:28:34And you saw Doc Brown!
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Good night, God bless, thank you!