0:00:18 > 0:00:23Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Frankie Boyle!
0:00:33 > 0:00:36CHEERING
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Hello!
0:00:42 > 0:00:44AUDIENCE: Hello!
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Hello and welcome to Live At The Apollo.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50I'm quite surprised that they've let me on as well,
0:00:50 > 0:00:51if that's any comfort.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54HE LAUGHS
0:00:55 > 0:00:57I've got a lovely theatre,
0:00:57 > 0:01:01I've got two fantastic comedians to introduce to you tonight,
0:01:01 > 0:01:03I've got a lovely audience to talk to...
0:01:03 > 0:01:06I looked right into your eyes when I said that, mate. How you doing?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08You have made an effort there, haven't you, man?
0:01:08 > 0:01:13You have made an effort with the Peaky Blinders hairstyle there.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15And it's like putting 26 inch rims
0:01:15 > 0:01:17on a wheelie bin.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25We've got some famous celebrities to talk to tonight.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27And some not-so famous.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Some of the celebrities here tonight,
0:01:29 > 0:01:33when I was researching the show, I had to start their Wikipedia page.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37There are celebrities in here who don't get to asked
0:01:37 > 0:01:39to turn on the Christmas lights
0:01:39 > 0:01:40in their own house.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46You're talking about people who are 18 months away
0:01:46 > 0:01:50from being quite a tricky tie-breaker in a pub quiz.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54I'm only kidding. We're got some, er, famous faces in.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Who have we got? We've got Jameela Jamil.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58How you doing, Jameela? You all right?
0:01:58 > 0:02:02It's exciting for me, cos you present the Radio One Chart Show.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06You get to tell the nation what is number one every week.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09And the only way that could be more exciting, I think,
0:02:09 > 0:02:11would be if it was 20 years ago,
0:02:11 > 0:02:12when anybody gave a shit.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Who else have we got? We've got people from Holby, haven't we?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27We've got Hugh Quarshie. Where's Hugh? Hugh, how you doing?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30You're a fantastic actor. You've been in the RSC and everything.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34You've been in Holby for a long time, right, so I have a theory
0:02:34 > 0:02:39that if someone had a heart attack over here, we could whisk you over
0:02:39 > 0:02:41and just suck all of the drama out of the situation.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52We had the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow this year,
0:02:52 > 0:02:54a great choice of venue.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56A place where people think that hepatitis B
0:02:56 > 0:02:57is a vitamin.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I don't really trust these big sporting occasions, you know?
0:03:03 > 0:03:07The Olympics - a lot of that stuff is just for rich people.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Dressage. Yachting.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12I don't remember that at school.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- POSHLY:- Yachting tomorrow class so remember, bring in your boats.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21A lot of people find the Paralympics inspiring.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23I just found it depressing.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24I can't throw a discus
0:03:24 > 0:03:25and I've got arms.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Oscar Pistorius. Pistorius, to me,
0:03:33 > 0:03:36sounds like a spell that Harry Potter would say
0:03:36 > 0:03:37to make your legs drop off.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42When he gets out of jail,
0:03:42 > 0:03:45his next girlfriend is going to get ready in a hurry.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48"I thought you were running a bath?"
0:03:48 > 0:03:50"No, I just threw some dungarees on. Let's go!"
0:03:53 > 0:03:56I hope a jail bully steals his legs,
0:03:56 > 0:03:58walks about being nine foot six.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02I don't like the Commonwealth
0:04:02 > 0:04:04cos the Commonwealth is the old British Empire.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06It's called the Commonwealth because Britain
0:04:06 > 0:04:09stole all those countries' wealth and then went, "Come on!"
0:04:11 > 0:04:14The whole Empire was founded on cocaine.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Everybody was on cocaine. The remedies had cocaine in them.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Queen Victoria was on cocaine.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20And not the shit you take!
0:04:21 > 0:04:23You've never done a line and gone,
0:04:23 > 0:04:24"Let's invade India!"
0:04:31 > 0:04:33We had the referendum up in Scotland.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37It was won by the No Campaign and Alistair Darling.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39I thought it'd be good if when he won,
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Alistair Darling's eyebrows had finally turned into butterflies.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46And he wasn't even able to look surprised about it.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53David Beckham sent the people of Scotland an open letter.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55An open letter because he couldn't work out
0:04:55 > 0:04:56how to get it into the envelope.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02People said that during the campaign that I was anti-English.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04I couldn't be more pro-English.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06I thought the best thing for independence would have been
0:05:06 > 0:05:08if England had won the World Cup.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Cos you would have been so unbearable
0:05:11 > 0:05:12that we would have to leave.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Whatever happens next, I think
0:05:18 > 0:05:20it's important that Scotland does something
0:05:20 > 0:05:24that puts England on the back foot, something that England won't expect.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28And the last thing that you're expecting
0:05:28 > 0:05:30is for us to form an Islamic Caliphate.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36IS - Independent Scotland. We can do this.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40OK, we'll have to learn how to treat women slightly better,
0:05:40 > 0:05:42but we can change.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52I think people don't understand enough
0:05:52 > 0:05:55about international politics, do they?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57In Scotland, people think that NATO
0:05:57 > 0:06:00is just a nickname you give to a guy who lost a foot to diabetes.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07- Keep up. - HE LAUGHS
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Ed Miliband came up for the referendum.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Now I'm going to go out on a limb here
0:06:14 > 0:06:17and say I don't think Ed Miliband will win the election.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Because if he can't persuade his own face to do what he tells it to...
0:06:24 > 0:06:30Ed Miliband said he wanted to militarise the Scottish border.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Can you imagine being a Scottish border guard,
0:06:32 > 0:06:34having to do cavity searches
0:06:34 > 0:06:35just to keep your hands warm.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Holding back the English refugees at Newcastle.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Newcastle being the first city in history
0:06:43 > 0:06:45that turned into a refugee camp,
0:06:45 > 0:06:47and got less mental.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- IN NEWCASTLE ACCENT:- Well, things are actually a lot more civilised
0:06:51 > 0:06:53now that we're ruled over by a horse militia.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00We live in a kind of porn culture now. Don't we?
0:07:00 > 0:07:04You see that thing on porn search engines, where it goes,
0:07:04 > 0:07:06"Make this your home page."
0:07:06 > 0:07:07Who does that?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Who wakes up in the morning, switches their computer on,
0:07:12 > 0:07:16is confronted with hardcore pornography and thinks,
0:07:16 > 0:07:17"I'm home!"
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Animals don't watch porn, do they?
0:07:22 > 0:07:23Unless you include my cat.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28I think what it's led to...
0:07:28 > 0:07:32It's led to men not really understanding
0:07:32 > 0:07:34what sex is like for women any more.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36I often think it must be more intense
0:07:36 > 0:07:39to let someone inside your body.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41I feel awkward just letting the gas man into the hallway.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47If you get offended by any jokes tonight, by the way,
0:07:47 > 0:07:48feel free to tweet your outrage
0:07:48 > 0:07:51on a mobile phone made by a ten-year-old in China.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Cos that's what Santa Claus does the other 364 days of the year.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00He travels round the world
0:08:00 > 0:08:03apologising to all the children who actually make the presents.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05"Sorry about that, Wo Ling Ho.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08"Still, tea break's over. Back to work, son."
0:08:10 > 0:08:14People say that Steve Jobs died too soon.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16But I think it was a fitting metaphor
0:08:16 > 0:08:18for his company's attitude
0:08:18 > 0:08:19to battery life.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28I hope that they buried him in a coffin
0:08:28 > 0:08:30with a great big crack in the lid.
0:08:34 > 0:08:39Read a thing that said a woman died after drinking 18 litres of Coke.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41She ate a packet of Mentos
0:08:41 > 0:08:43and they found her head three miles away.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Piers Morgan says that women send him knickers through the post.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Presumably with the message,
0:08:53 > 0:08:54"From one twat to another."
0:08:56 > 0:08:58I don't really understand TV, to be honest.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02I don't understand why Ant and Dec go to the jungle every year
0:09:02 > 0:09:05when it's the only place that's hot enough for Ant's head to hatch.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13The thing that happens to you, I think, in your forties
0:09:13 > 0:09:17as a man where you suddenly realise that you're a dad.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20And not in a good way. You realise that you're a 42-year-old
0:09:20 > 0:09:25father-of-two who says lame dad stuff.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27And you will never be cool again.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30And this happened to me last week. I was in Covent Garden
0:09:30 > 0:09:33and I was trying to cross the road at the traffic lights.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37There was a guy beside me, a beautiful male model.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40A Californian guy. A beautiful man.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43And because he was American, he was looking the wrong way into traffic.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47And he stepped out in front of a moving car.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49And I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back
0:09:49 > 0:09:54onto the pavement and he had no idea how close he'd come to dying.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57And he said, "What was that car's problem?"
0:09:57 > 0:09:58And I went,
0:09:58 > 0:10:00"Look both ways, Zoolander!"
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Do you know what my kids got me for fathers' day?
0:10:09 > 0:10:12They got me that shower gel, mint tea tree gel.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14No-one had warned me about that.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19I thought my arsehole was going to burst into song!
0:10:26 > 0:10:29They always say, don't they? When you're telling your kids off,
0:10:29 > 0:10:30stay positive.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Don't be too negative. And I agree with that.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34But sometimes you're standing there thinking,
0:10:34 > 0:10:38"I don't see anything positive about this.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40"You have shat on my rug...
0:10:42 > 0:10:43"And I am struggling to find an upside."
0:10:45 > 0:10:48You can't hit your kids, obviously, but there's nothing that says
0:10:48 > 0:10:50that you can't tamper with the breaks on their heelies.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56My son's six now so it's actually quite difficult to punish him.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59What I do is I tuck his bedclothes in really, really tight
0:10:59 > 0:11:00and hope that he has a nightmare
0:11:00 > 0:11:02where he's trapped in a giant's pocket.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09I think it's sad when people medicate their children
0:11:09 > 0:11:13for behavioural problems, when it's so much easier
0:11:13 > 0:11:14to just drug yourself.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18You know the saddest thing?
0:11:18 > 0:11:20You spend the first year teaching them to say Dad.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23"Say Dad, Daddy, Dada."
0:11:23 > 0:11:25And now they're like, "DAAAAD!"
0:11:25 > 0:11:27And I'm like, "Shut up, will you?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29"I'm on Tinder trying to find us a new mum."
0:11:37 > 0:11:42We're bombing Iraq now. We're calling it humanitarian bombing.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45There's no such thing as humanitarian bombing, is there?
0:11:45 > 0:11:48It's always about oil or power. Not humanitarianism.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52That's why you never get stopped by someone in the streets saying,
0:11:52 > 0:11:55"Hi, I'm from Oxfam and for just £12 a month,
0:11:55 > 0:11:57"we could really blow the shit out of something."
0:11:59 > 0:12:01And who are we blowing up? IS?
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Remember last year they said, "Oh, we need to bomb Syria.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05"Help the rebels. They're the good guys."
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Who were the rebels? IS.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09The same people. They've gone from being loved
0:12:09 > 0:12:11to hated and despised in a year
0:12:11 > 0:12:14and they haven't even had to win the X Factor to make that happen.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Britain as a culture runs on hypocrisy.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25David Cameron went to Sri Lanka.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29He told the Sri Lankans off for human rights abuses
0:12:29 > 0:12:33that they committed with weapons that Britain sold to them.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Like Ronald McDonald calling you a fat bastard.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42We sent Prince Harry to Afghanistan,
0:12:42 > 0:12:45because when you want to teach people about democracy,
0:12:45 > 0:12:46you send them a prince!
0:12:46 > 0:12:50You teach them about peace and democracy
0:12:50 > 0:12:53by having a prince shoot at them from a helicopter!
0:13:04 > 0:13:07- You ready for your first act, ladies and gentlemen? - CHEERING
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Please, give it up and show a lot of love
0:13:09 > 0:13:11to Aisling Bea!
0:13:11 > 0:13:13APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:13:21 > 0:13:22Hello!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Hello, The Apollo, are you well?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28CHEERING
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Oh, I'm delighted. I'm delighted to be here, really.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Because I actually haven't been well recently.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34- AUDIENCE: Aw!- Oh, no, stop it.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Honestly, I don't want to talk about it, er, but if you insist...
0:13:37 > 0:13:40I really haven't though, so that's why I'm delighted to get here today.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44I was rushed to A & E recently with terrible abdominal problems.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48Just hideous pains all up and down my tummy and around my sides.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52And I was rushed to A & E and for about three hours I thought,
0:13:52 > 0:13:56erm, and anyone here who ever read a magazine as a teenager
0:13:56 > 0:13:58will know what I mean, especially the girls,
0:13:58 > 0:14:02I thought that I was about to have a surprise baby.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06You know the way there's always stories in the magazines going,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09"Well, everything was normal. Nothing was different.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13"Everything was regular but then I went to the toilet
0:14:13 > 0:14:15"and I looked in the toilet
0:14:15 > 0:14:17"and there was a baby in the toilet.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19"I'd had a surprise baby."
0:14:21 > 0:14:24There was always that sort of... And that's what I thought it was.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27But, erm, you'll be happy to know that actually it was, er...
0:14:27 > 0:14:29I'm bringing sexy back,
0:14:29 > 0:14:31a gut infection.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34A gut infection.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37But the worst part of, of the whole situation was
0:14:37 > 0:14:40that the doctor in A & E was really, really handsome.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43And I just... I think
0:14:43 > 0:14:46doctors who are handsome should be struck off, I really do.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Er, I want someone with a sort of mashed potato head
0:14:48 > 0:14:50that I could feel at one with.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52But instead, this man was really handsome. He said to me,
0:14:52 > 0:14:54"Oh, er, what seems to be the problem?"
0:14:54 > 0:14:58And I was like, "Oh... Well, doctor, my problem is that...
0:14:58 > 0:15:00"I'm too cute!
0:15:00 > 0:15:03"Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Chase me! Chase me!"
0:15:04 > 0:15:07How could I tell him that I thought I was having a surprise baby
0:15:07 > 0:15:09or else I was waiting for a poo? I mean, I couldn't, you know.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11"And once we find out which one it is,
0:15:11 > 0:15:14"do you want to go for a drink?"
0:15:14 > 0:15:16It's really quite terrible.
0:15:16 > 0:15:17But the doctor did get quite worried about me.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21He was like, "Aisling, you're going to have to get out of the house
0:15:21 > 0:15:22"during the day."
0:15:22 > 0:15:24And I was like, "Doc, I'd love to,
0:15:24 > 0:15:28"but my naps are not going to take themselves. Soz."
0:15:29 > 0:15:33Erm, but my, er, my mother was equally worried, she was like,
0:15:33 > 0:15:37"Aisling, try and get out of the house and maybe do some exercise.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40"Build up your strength and your muscle. Do a bit of exercise."
0:15:40 > 0:15:42But I actually find it highly offensive
0:15:42 > 0:15:44that my mother would suggest that I do exercise,
0:15:44 > 0:15:48because she knows that I actually suffer from a terrible disability
0:15:48 > 0:15:50which prevents me from doing any exercise
0:15:50 > 0:15:52which is where I can't, erm...
0:15:52 > 0:15:54I can't, er...
0:15:54 > 0:15:55be arsed!
0:15:55 > 0:16:00I can't be arsed. I really just can't be arsed.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01I just kinda can't be.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03And I would love to be arsed.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05I would love to be one of those people who's naturally arsed
0:16:05 > 0:16:08to do things but I just sort of can't be.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11And, I mean, my disability affects me in so many ways.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Erm, my ability to clean the bottom of the dustbin.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Er, ring my aunties back at Christmas.
0:16:18 > 0:16:23I would love to, but I just sort of can't be arsed to, unfortunately.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24I mean, I just don't like moving too much.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28I would sort of rather sit on the couch and waste away...than move.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31I don't really like moving too much. I don't even listen to sad music
0:16:31 > 0:16:33in case I'll be moved.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:16:35 > 0:16:38And I think the reason that I don't like exercise
0:16:38 > 0:16:41is because the school I went to didn't have much money,
0:16:41 > 0:16:43so the sports facilities weren't great.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47And so a lot of the sort of sport and exercise we used to do,
0:16:47 > 0:16:49used to leave us really, er...
0:16:49 > 0:16:50pregnant. Really pregnant.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54So the habit's just not there.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56It really isn't, and I would love to be...
0:16:56 > 0:16:59I would love to be into exercising and stuff but I just can't be arsed.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01I'll be honest.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Erm, and you know, people... I did get, er, tricked
0:17:03 > 0:17:05into going to a Pilates class,
0:17:05 > 0:17:07because I thought it was pronounced Pilots.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08I was there for about 15 minutes going,
0:17:08 > 0:17:11"I wonder when they're going to let us fly the planes?"
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Er, my friend, Brona, suggested that I do something social
0:17:16 > 0:17:18like ping pong, table tennis.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Ping pong ta... I mean, I just... The ball moves too fast.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23I can never see it. To me, ping pong just looks like two perverts
0:17:23 > 0:17:24spanking a ghost.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Just don't understand it.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Do you know what I get a buzz out of?
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Sitting down.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34Holler!
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I love sitting down.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40I do, I love sitting down, I even tried to do this gig sitting down
0:17:40 > 0:17:42but they said they couldn't legally classify it as stand-up.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Hi-oh!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Erm, but, yes, I really do love sitting down.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51You know the way you always hear those stories
0:17:51 > 0:17:53in the tabloids about those men who are found
0:17:53 > 0:17:59sat down in a chair, dead and alone, and they hadn't been found for days
0:17:59 > 0:18:04and they were sat there, covered in their own wee. Oh, no!
0:18:04 > 0:18:06What those stories never mention,
0:18:06 > 0:18:08is the smile on that man's face.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14But my mother, er... My mother said to me, she was like,
0:18:14 > 0:18:19"Aisling, if you don't start doing exercise
0:18:19 > 0:18:21"then you could end up becoming fat-thin."
0:18:23 > 0:18:29And I said, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph and all of his carpenter friends,
0:18:29 > 0:18:31"what is fat-thin?"
0:18:31 > 0:18:34"Oh, Aisling, I read about it in a woman's magazine."
0:18:34 > 0:18:36A women's magazine. The only targets in women's magazines
0:18:36 > 0:18:38are other women.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40"Fat-thin, is where you're thin
0:18:40 > 0:18:44"but you're secretly fat cos you don't do any exercise.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47"You can also be thin-fat, fat-fat,
0:18:47 > 0:18:49thin-thin, too fat, too thin,
0:18:49 > 0:18:51"thin in the wrong place, thin in the right place,
0:18:51 > 0:18:53"fat in the wrong place, fat in the right place,
0:18:53 > 0:18:56"but no matter what you do no, matter what you try,
0:18:56 > 0:18:59"you are definitely wrong!"
0:19:00 > 0:19:03And I said, "Mother, as if I don't have enough problems
0:19:03 > 0:19:06"in my life trying to walk down the street at night and not get raped,
0:19:06 > 0:19:08"trying to live in a society where 25-year-old women
0:19:08 > 0:19:11"are sticking plastic and poison in their faces
0:19:11 > 0:19:13"so by the time they get to their forties and fifties,
0:19:13 > 0:19:15"they've nothing left to do to themselves
0:19:15 > 0:19:18"but pull out their eyeballs and stick babies' eyeballs in instead.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20"We live in a world where it's a tragedy to die young
0:19:20 > 0:19:22"so we're all pumped full of stuff to make us live longer
0:19:22 > 0:19:25"but no-one wants to do anything as unnatural as look older.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28"'Oh, no, wouldn't that be mad to look older and be older?'
0:19:28 > 0:19:30"So we're all pumped full of stuff to make us live longer
0:19:30 > 0:19:33"but we look younger so by the time we die aged 100 in a box
0:19:33 > 0:19:35"we look like we've died tragically young.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37"We live in a world where they have developed telephones,
0:19:37 > 0:19:41"without plugs that can send a picture of a cat
0:19:41 > 0:19:43"from one side of the world to the other side of the world
0:19:43 > 0:19:44"in under a second
0:19:44 > 0:19:47"and they are still trying to come up with faster telephones,
0:19:47 > 0:19:50"yet still after 200,000 years of humanity,
0:19:50 > 0:19:53"we have not come up with a better way to have a baby child
0:19:53 > 0:19:56"than to push something the size of a bowling ball
0:19:56 > 0:19:59"out my tiny hole!
0:19:59 > 0:20:02"And now I have to worry about being fat-thin?!"
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I said, "Go shove it up your floop, Mother!"
0:20:10 > 0:20:12I didn't actually tell my mother
0:20:12 > 0:20:14to go and shove it up her floop.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Erm...
0:20:16 > 0:20:18I agreed to go to a Zumba class.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Ladies and gentlemen, you've been absolutely lovely,
0:20:22 > 0:20:25I've been Aisling Bea. Have a fantastic evening!
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Give it up for Aisling!
0:20:32 > 0:20:34CHEERING
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Now I know what you're thinking, English people.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42You're thinking, "I'd like an English voice to come on
0:20:42 > 0:20:46"so I could stop translating your Scottish accent in my head
0:20:46 > 0:20:48"before I got the jokes."
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Er, you're in for a treat, ladies and gentlemen,
0:20:50 > 0:20:53please welcome a very funny and very dry English comedian,
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Mr Simon Evans!
0:20:56 > 0:20:58CHEERING
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Thank you.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Thank you very much. Good evening. How are you, you well?
0:21:09 > 0:21:10CHEERING
0:21:10 > 0:21:12I'll tell you a little bit about myself.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16I'm 49 years of age. I live on the south coast with my wife.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17We got married quite quickly,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19unfortunately we left it too late to have children.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22But we went ahead and had them anyway,
0:21:22 > 0:21:24which was a mistake in my view, but there we are.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Couple of children. We've had... We've had an interesting trajectory,
0:21:29 > 0:21:31through the British Isles. I met my wife...
0:21:31 > 0:21:34I'd just bought my first flat - it was just north of King's Cross,
0:21:34 > 0:21:36rather disreputable area in North London.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Famous red-light district. And it was true, we had prostitutes
0:21:39 > 0:21:42right outside our own front door which is...
0:21:42 > 0:21:43handy, some of you are thinking.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49But, believe me, you don't want to shit on your own doorstep.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Which is a service they offer, incidentally, and, er...
0:21:54 > 0:21:57It's interesting. I mean, I quite like gritty, urban areas,
0:21:57 > 0:22:00to be honest. It makes your own life seem quite desirable by comparison.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02King's Cross certainly fitted that bill.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04A lot of homeless people on the streets,
0:22:04 > 0:22:08or possibly just outdoor lager enthusiasts. But they seemed to be...
0:22:08 > 0:22:10very committed to it if they did have a home to go to.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14As a rule, I don't want to tar them all with the same brush,
0:22:14 > 0:22:16although if you sleep on the road
0:22:16 > 0:22:17that will happen sooner or later but...
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I do think it's a bit ironic the favourite drink of the homeless
0:22:22 > 0:22:24should be a beer called Tennent's.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28That must rankle, mustn't it?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34The trick is, as it is with all commerce, of course,
0:22:34 > 0:22:36is to make people think they're buying into a lifestyle
0:22:36 > 0:22:39they can't really afford and we all fall for it at every station in life.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42I myself, I recently bought myself a divers' watch.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Ridiculous affectation. I have no need for it.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47It's covered in dials, good for up to 100 meters of water pressure.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48It's got a shark-resistant strap.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52I think to be honest, if all he wants is your watch,
0:22:52 > 0:22:54it's probably best to let him have it, really.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59I'm no expert but they're fairly ferocious negotiators, aren't they,
0:22:59 > 0:23:00the old sharks?
0:23:00 > 0:23:03I think only a fool would allow an argument to escalate over a watch.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08"Can't seem to bite through this. I know, I'll try the arm."
0:23:11 > 0:23:14I don't know. Never faced a shark. The only diving I ever do,
0:23:14 > 0:23:16it's considered very bad manners to check your watch.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Must admit, the luminous dial has come in handy but that's...
0:23:25 > 0:23:26That's more coincidence than planning.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31If I'm 100 metres deep, I'm getting out of there, which of course...
0:23:32 > 0:23:35..is unlikely to happen cos I'm a happily married man,
0:23:35 > 0:23:38so let's be clear that that's an entirely hypothetical scenario.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44I am happily married and I made a good choice of wife.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46She actually moved in as a lodger initially.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48I remembered it was about 13, 14 years ago.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51My wife moved in as a lodger.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53And one week the rent fell a bit short and one thing led to another
0:23:53 > 0:23:54and, er...
0:23:57 > 0:24:00There we were, in a dance as old as time.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03That's what you had to do in the days before internet dating, you see,
0:24:03 > 0:24:04set a bit of a honey trap.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09"Cash point at this time of night around here?
0:24:09 > 0:24:10"I shouldn't think so, no..."
0:24:15 > 0:24:16But it was wonderful, to be honest,
0:24:16 > 0:24:18it was a lovely time. It was a golden age.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20You don't always know you're living through them
0:24:20 > 0:24:23but looking back I remembered she was very accommodating.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25My job isn't the easiest for somebody to accommodate.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26I'd get home late at night,
0:24:26 > 0:24:29but she'd be waiting with a bottle of wine, that was nice.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Sunday mornings she'd let me have a lie-in.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33We might share a pot of coffee over the Sunday papers
0:24:33 > 0:24:37then walk hand in hand through a craft market, something like that.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Looking back, it sounds a bit shit, I realise, but...
0:24:40 > 0:24:46..at the time, filtered through the haze of romantic infatuation,
0:24:46 > 0:24:48it seemed very agreeable, so I proposed and she accepted.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50We got married. She said, "Let's start a family."
0:24:50 > 0:24:54I said, "Of course, darling." Because I didn't think it through.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Next thing you know, you're running a small, badly-funded
0:24:57 > 0:24:59correctional facility together, aren't you?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02That's all it is.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05However much various commercial organisations dress it up.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Imagine you started a small business with somebody.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11It goes well. You move into profit. You open a second branch.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Everything is going swimmingly.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Suddenly one day, they turn to you and say, "This is good.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18"What do you say we get a troupe of baboons in to run the post room?"
0:25:21 > 0:25:25That's the equivalent. Let's see how that goes.
0:25:27 > 0:25:28I'm sorry, I can't pretend otherwise.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31I resent their presence in my life. I do. They are...
0:25:32 > 0:25:35They are nice enough kids,
0:25:35 > 0:25:36objectively,
0:25:36 > 0:25:38but why do they have to live with me? It makes no sense at all.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42But I try and be young.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45I try and be young for the children. I allowed a dog into our house.
0:25:45 > 0:25:50About a year ago, not just for the day, I mean we bought a dog.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53I'm not that harsh. It was against my inclinations, I have to say,
0:25:53 > 0:25:57to be honest, but, er, 12 months on and I wish we'd done it years ago.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Because then it might be dead by now.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05It has been without doubt the most catastrophic decision,
0:26:05 > 0:26:07but this is my wife's doing again. My wife is very pro-active.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09She likes to see things happen.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11She is adventurous and she likes to take on projects.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13She went to Trail Finders, I think,
0:26:13 > 0:26:15and came back with a brochure entitled The Parks.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17A huge thing, about an inch thick.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Detailing all the amusement parks you can visit in Florida
0:26:20 > 0:26:23if you're so minded. You've seen the advertisements on the television.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24I was watching one with my wife.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Two children, about the same age as ours,
0:26:26 > 0:26:29little tears of joy and wonder springing in their eyes
0:26:29 > 0:26:32as they gazed up at the fireworks exploding over the princess castle.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34My wife turned to me and said, not as you might expect,
0:26:34 > 0:26:37"Christ, will you look at that shit. Can you believe it?"
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Unaccountably, she said, "You know, our kids would love that,
0:26:40 > 0:26:43"but they're getting to the age where it would be perfect.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45"Soon it will be too late. Matilda will be a teenager.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47"There will be sarcasm and eye rolling.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49"If you want to give them that experience, it's now or never."
0:26:49 > 0:26:52And I thought, "Great, so never is an option, right?"
0:26:54 > 0:26:57But it turns out, no. In fact, that was a rhetorical device.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01The correct answer is now.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03I thought, "Well, this doesn't look like my cup of tea
0:27:03 > 0:27:05"but the kids will love it, I suppose.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06"How bad can it be, really?
0:27:06 > 0:27:08"It'll be no worse than visiting a fairground
0:27:08 > 0:27:10"on an uncomfortably hot day
0:27:10 > 0:27:13"and chucking four grand in a bin on the way out." That's roughly...
0:27:13 > 0:27:15That's roughly what I was braced for.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23In reality, it is actually far worse than that.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29More like eight grand, by the time we were finished.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32But also the heat, the humidity, the confusion, the jet lag,
0:27:32 > 0:27:34which I hadn't factored in, my general state,
0:27:34 > 0:27:35my mood was not a good one.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38I remember it was on about the fourth day in some un-nameable park
0:27:38 > 0:27:41and I was really about to lose my rag with some furry-faced idiot
0:27:41 > 0:27:44who I didn't even recognise from any movie I've ever seen,
0:27:44 > 0:27:47who'd allowed me to stand in the wrong queue for half an hour,
0:27:47 > 0:27:49when I felt a little tug at my sleeve and I looked down
0:27:49 > 0:27:52and there was my son, Edward, four years of age as he was at that time,
0:27:52 > 0:27:55and he looked up at me and he had tears sparkling in his eyes,
0:27:55 > 0:27:56just like in the advert.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58And he looked up at me and he said, "Daddy...
0:27:59 > 0:28:00"This is bollocks."
0:28:04 > 0:28:08It makes my heart swell even telling you the story now.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11I'm not sure it wasn't worth eight grand just to have it confirmed.
0:28:12 > 0:28:16It's a DNA test with a bit of polish on it, that was.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18That's all from me, folks. You've been a wonderful audience.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Thanks very much indeed. Take care. Thank you, good night!
0:28:21 > 0:28:23CHEERING
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Mr Simon Evans there, ladies and gentlemen!
0:28:31 > 0:28:33CHEERING
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Thank you. You've been a fantastic crowd.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Let's hear it for the two acts we saw, for Aisling and for Simon!
0:28:41 > 0:28:44CHEERING
0:28:44 > 0:28:47You all take care of yourselves, Britain.