0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:19 > 0:00:24Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Jon Richardson!
0:00:26 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Hello there!
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Greetings, Apollo. Are you well?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43AUDIENCE: Yeah! Good.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Thank you for coming.
0:00:45 > 0:00:46I hope you enjoy yourselves.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48So, who's around?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50We have musicians here. We have...
0:00:50 > 0:00:54Lee Ryan is here from Blue. CHEERING
0:00:55 > 0:00:57How are you? Good. I'm all right.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59And Tinchy Stryder is here, as well, isn't he?
0:00:59 > 0:01:00There he is.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05The sunglasses on indoors, you cool sod(!)
0:01:06 > 0:01:07Trendy.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Took your hat off, I appreciate that.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12I'm into, uh... I'm into a sort of type of music.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15I don't know if you guys know it, it's sort of sub, urban music.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Uh...suburban music, we call it.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21LAUGHTER Pretty cool shit.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23I've got a new single coming out called
0:01:23 > 0:01:26It's Like That - But We Can Have It Changed If You're Not Satisfied.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31You've got to fight for your right to represent your local pa-a-a-arty.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Pretty cool.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Rachel's here. Hello, how are you?
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Rachel does the numbers on Cats Does Countdown
0:01:39 > 0:01:42because we can't let Jimmy do them, can we?
0:01:44 > 0:01:46All come out the same, wouldn't they?
0:01:46 > 0:01:49LAUGHTER
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Anyway, thank you all for coming. I hope you have a wonderful evening.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55But not too good, er,
0:01:55 > 0:01:57cos Britain's the only country you sort of have to quantify that
0:01:57 > 0:02:00because in most countries, when you say, "Have a good time,"
0:02:00 > 0:02:02people mean enjoy the thing we're doing, but in Britain
0:02:02 > 0:02:05that means, "Drink until you're sick in the morning."
0:02:05 > 0:02:08There's a really unique approach to fun we have,
0:02:08 > 0:02:11where, if you don't remember it while you're puking into a toilet,
0:02:11 > 0:02:15then you might as well have not done it, to be honest.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17I've got to a point now with my drinking, where, obviously,
0:02:17 > 0:02:19I'm not going to eliminate it altogether,
0:02:19 > 0:02:22cos you need some alcohol to survive...
0:02:22 > 0:02:23I'm just trying to sort my...
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Limit my drinking so I don't get hangovers any more.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27I'm sick of having hangovers,
0:02:27 > 0:02:29because what a hangover is is your stomach
0:02:29 > 0:02:30saying to the rest of your body,
0:02:30 > 0:02:32"Would you just piss off, please?!
0:02:32 > 0:02:33"Nothing comes down here
0:02:33 > 0:02:36"until I deal with what you did to me last night."
0:02:36 > 0:02:38LAUGHTER
0:02:38 > 0:02:40GROANING: "Ooh...
0:02:40 > 0:02:42"You don't even like Malibu!"
0:02:43 > 0:02:46"Three of them down here at two o'clock in the morning...
0:02:46 > 0:02:47"Arsehole!"
0:02:47 > 0:02:49At which point your arsehole will say,
0:02:49 > 0:02:50"Don't bring me into this."
0:02:51 > 0:02:54"I'm still dealing with the kebab he had on the way home."
0:02:54 > 0:02:57LAUGHTER
0:02:57 > 0:02:58I like this time of year.
0:02:58 > 0:02:59This is the time of year I like
0:02:59 > 0:03:01because the drinking sort of tempers now.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Cos we're getting to winter now, it's getting dark.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06People don't go out in winter, do they? They stay in and eat stew,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09and they cry. I like that. LAUGHTER
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Emotionally, I feel at one with that,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14you just cut up a swede and leave it in a pan for four hours.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18"No, you stay in there until you offer no resistance whatsoever, you!
0:03:18 > 0:03:21"Chewing was for the summer, I'm exhausted by life now."
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Just mush it in so I don't die in the cold months.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28In summer I really struggle.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31What happens in summer is people go out and they do stuff
0:03:31 > 0:03:32and they have opinions on it.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Tends to piss me off a little bit, that kind of thing.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37And you realise the carnage that is created...
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Cos in my lifetime, I would say I only remember sort of...
0:03:40 > 0:03:42The last two summers are the only ones I remember
0:03:42 > 0:03:44where it's been sunny for, like, a week at a time.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46You used to get that, you'd open the curtains and you'd go,
0:03:46 > 0:03:49"Oh, there's sunshine, look! Let's have a barbecue."
0:03:49 > 0:03:51And your partner would say, "It's only half seven in the morning."
0:03:51 > 0:03:54You'd say, "I know, but let's have a breakfast barbecue,
0:03:54 > 0:03:56"cos there's clouds coming and otherwise we'll miss it,
0:03:56 > 0:04:00"so let's just set fire to the shed and put a sausage on it, please!
0:04:00 > 0:04:03"Ah, it's raining now. Don't matter."
0:04:04 > 0:04:06"You've ruined it. Good summer, that one(!)"
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Now you have summer and you know you're in trouble
0:04:08 > 0:04:11cos you turn the weather on in the morning and the weather people are outside
0:04:11 > 0:04:13showing you the weather is real, so that you can believe it.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Carol Kirkwood's there going, "Hello! I'm outside, look.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19"That's the sunshine, very nice, isn't it? Very hot.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22"Not too hot, I'm not dying, you know, it's quite far away.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23"It's sort of temperate, it's nice...
0:04:23 > 0:04:26"You're thinking, 'Very well for you,' but cos it's so far away,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29"it's not just on this field, it's everywhere, it's on all of us.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32"Go outside. I know it's Monday and you've got work, but don't worry,
0:04:32 > 0:04:34"it'll still be sunny on Friday, OK?"
0:04:34 > 0:04:36And that's the bit where we all go, "I beg your pardon?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39"Still sunny on Friday, you said, is it? The day when I go out
0:04:39 > 0:04:42"and get pissed anyway, I can do that outside now, can I?
0:04:42 > 0:04:43"I'll start e-mailing people now."
0:04:43 > 0:04:45And whatever city you live in,
0:04:45 > 0:04:47that's where you e-mail people the venue to meet.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49I live in London, here...
0:04:49 > 0:04:52which, obviously, I'm not from London, you can tell by my accent I'm from the North.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54But you're not allowed to be a comedian in the North,
0:04:54 > 0:04:58I have to move to London, and when the Queen's not looking, I'll steal a bit of gold,
0:04:58 > 0:05:01and one day I'll move back up North and build a house with it. And then I'll go,
0:05:01 > 0:05:03"Ee, it's him what left, he's come back wi' t' gold!"
0:05:03 > 0:05:06LAUGHTER
0:05:06 > 0:05:08"For t' building houses with, let's make 'im t' king."
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Yes, I live in the North, but I live in London now.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14What happens is, everybody goes to the river.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16We all accumulate on the river when it's sunny.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20There was a day last summer, everybody e-mailed each other Monday morning and went...
0:05:20 > 0:05:22COCKNEY ACCENT: "'Ere, mate, you seen the burty bevver?"
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Don't know the rhyming slang for "weather", I haven't checked.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26It's close enough, isn't it?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29COCKNEY ACCENT: "Burty Bevver, played for West Ham, 30 goals. Legend!"
0:05:29 > 0:05:31LAUGHTER
0:05:31 > 0:05:32"Yeah, yeah, I seen it, mate.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35"Sunshine, innit? Funshine, do it up the bumshine. Wehay!"
0:05:35 > 0:05:37LAUGHTER
0:05:37 > 0:05:40"Y-You coming down the river Friday night, mate, five o'clock?"
0:05:40 > 0:05:41"Yeah, I'll see you there at four, mate.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43"Work through lunch, 4pm." "Yeah, nice one. See you.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47"Apples and bananas, two for a pound, wehay!" LAUGHTER
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Successfully e-mailed.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51This e-mail went across London, I don't know how they did it.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54You must be able to put into the e-mail address bar, "Everyone at desks."
0:05:54 > 0:05:56LAUGHTER
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Swept London. So they all congregated Friday night at the river,
0:05:58 > 0:06:01but the last line of this e-mail was, "PS, don't tell Jon."
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Uh... LAUGHTER
0:06:03 > 0:06:04Went to my gig, didn't I?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Nobody turned up. They were at the river. But that doesn't stop me.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10I'll quite happily shout into an empty room about myself for two hours,
0:06:10 > 0:06:12spitting bile onto empty chairs.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Come out to Waterloo about 11 o'clock to get home
0:06:15 > 0:06:18and just have never seen carnage like it.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20I've seen drunk people,
0:06:20 > 0:06:23I've never seen a whole city shit-faced before.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25And you know everyone's drunk
0:06:25 > 0:06:27because there are no two people together.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31No-one can coordinate to walk alongside one other person.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Veering off individuals,
0:06:32 > 0:06:36grown men just smashing into train station walls
0:06:36 > 0:06:39cos they've seen Harry Potter and they know that one of them... Doosh!
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Doosh!
0:06:40 > 0:06:43One will open up to that magical world where there's that girl,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46where she's not old enough in the films but she is now, so it doesn't count.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49LAUGHTER Doosh!
0:06:50 > 0:06:53People's limbs have stopped working, they're just dragging themselves
0:06:53 > 0:06:56across the floor, hoovering up chips. HE GOBBLES
0:06:58 > 0:06:59The biggest problem I had is...
0:06:59 > 0:07:01No-one has left the city all day, no-one's left London.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03So this train now that's about to leave is heaving
0:07:03 > 0:07:07in a way that I've only ever seen in documentaries set in the third world, you know?
0:07:07 > 0:07:11There's that one train a year and if they don't get on it, they ain't feeding their families.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13So they're on the roof and they're in the coupling...
0:07:13 > 0:07:15That's happening at London Waterloo, strangers, adults,
0:07:15 > 0:07:18hanging onto the outside of trains like that...
0:07:18 > 0:07:19waiting for the train to leave.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22And the police, they're saying, "You can't actually travel like that, mate,
0:07:22 > 0:07:24"on the outside of the train there."
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Sensible people saying, "Oh, God. Tunnels and that. Kill myself, wouldn't I?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30"Ha-ha! What am I like?!" LAUGHTER
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Not pissheads... "You do one, pig!" HE HICCUPS
0:07:34 > 0:07:36"I'm touching the train, I'm on the train."
0:07:36 > 0:07:39LAUGHTER
0:07:39 > 0:07:42I'm not going to get home, I ain't getting home tonight, that's what's happening.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I realised there was one train left.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I thought, "If I don't get on that, that's it.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48"When they announce the platform, I've got to be the first there.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52"I've got a good chance, cos when they announce it, I'm the only one here who can still read."
0:07:52 > 0:07:55LAUGHTER So they announce the platform. Not only do I get to the train,
0:07:55 > 0:07:57I'm the first one there for the whole train,
0:07:57 > 0:07:59which means I get my choice of every seat on a train,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02which would freak many out - they don't know which one they want.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04I know exactly what seat I want.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I want two together, but I don't want someone to sit next to me.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09I don't want to put my bag on the seat, I'm too much of a coward.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12When you put your bag on the seat, eventually someone comes and goes,
0:08:12 > 0:08:14"Excuse me, could you move that, please? Yes, yes.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17"Thought you could have this, but I'm here now, the alpha,
0:08:17 > 0:08:19"so you can just... My seat.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22"I'm just going to touch you with that leg, as well, how's that?"
0:08:22 > 0:08:24LAUGHTER
0:08:24 > 0:08:26SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
0:08:26 > 0:08:29"That's my arm rest, you get off, I'm having that one.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31"You have that shitty little half one there under the window,
0:08:31 > 0:08:32"that's yours."
0:08:34 > 0:08:36So I'd just picked the two worst seats on the train.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38"That'll do me, the two seats that nobody else will want."
0:08:38 > 0:08:40What you do - you walk along the train
0:08:40 > 0:08:42until they've joined two together but there's no divide.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44So all these people are stuck in this bit.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Go in this door here, don't go on forward with your momentum,
0:08:47 > 0:08:48just pivot round like that
0:08:48 > 0:08:50and there's a little pouch of seats here that nobody notices.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52And look for the table here.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Don't sit at the table, everybody wants the table.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Sit just behind the table.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57People see the table's free, they move on.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59There's two seats here facing backwards.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Most people don't like to face backwards, makes them feel sick.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Sit by the window so people assume there's someone there, too.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06"Yeah, go on, keep walking, mate. This is mine."
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Got on my seat. I thought, "I've nailed this."
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Curled myself up into a little ball of self-righteousness.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Stone-cold sober, hating it.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18People get on the train, drunk, enjoying themselves, winding me up.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Right. Just before we pull out of the station,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23something hits the back of my chair. It's definitely a human head.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I can tell by the weight of it and the sound.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28It's either someone who's passed out, or more excitedly,
0:09:28 > 0:09:30someone who's running for the last train and thinks,
0:09:30 > 0:09:34"Shit, I'll miss the last train. Maybe if I cut my head off and throw it on the train..."
0:09:34 > 0:09:36LAUGHTER
0:09:36 > 0:09:39"..get my head back, and then roll back to the flat, call a taxi
0:09:39 > 0:09:40"and collect my body."
0:09:42 > 0:09:45It's not. It's the first one, just a girl who's just "boosh!" - passed out.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Can't move any more.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49I think, "How did she even get on the train?"
0:09:49 > 0:09:52I can't look round to find out cos I'll make eye contact
0:09:52 > 0:09:54with someone and they'll think I want to talk. "Oh, you got a face.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57"I've got a face, mate. I was born in Bermondsey, actually."
0:09:57 > 0:09:59LAUGHTER Oh, Jesus.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04You just sit there, curled up. Luckily, I find out what's happened
0:10:04 > 0:10:07because a man announces the history of the evening to us all.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09A big South African businessman, he is.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11He's carried her onto the train, right.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13He's not getting this train, so he needs someone to help her off it,
0:10:13 > 0:10:15which, for me, all he needs to do
0:10:15 > 0:10:17is tap these two people here, doesn't he?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19"Could you help this woman off the train, please?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22"I don't know if you can see that, but she's absolutely annihilated!"
0:10:22 > 0:10:25MOCK LAUGHS "I'm not actually going to help, I'm leaving now. She's yours.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27"OK, take care. Cheerio now. B'bye."
0:10:28 > 0:10:29He doesn't do that cos he realises
0:10:29 > 0:10:32if he announces to the carriage what he's done, we'll think,
0:10:32 > 0:10:34"He's carried a lady onto the train, what a fine gentleman.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37"I shall applaud him and carry him wherever he's going."
0:10:37 > 0:10:38So instead, he shouts to all of us,
0:10:38 > 0:10:42AFRICAN ACCENT: "Somebody's got to help this woman off the train, please!"
0:10:43 > 0:10:46SCOTTISH ACCENT: "I've carried her as far as I can, but I can do no more!
0:10:46 > 0:10:49SOBBING: "What a world, what a world..."
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Born in South Africa, he's travelled.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53LAUGHTER
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Very accurate that was.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Anyway, I hated him.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01He's the first individual I take time out to hate.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02And I'm good at hate, it's my skill.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05If it was a superpower, that'd be my thing, hating people.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08I can see the back of someone's head for half a second, then go, "Dickhead."
0:11:08 > 0:11:12"Who was that?" "Oh, he's gone now, but he's a dickhead, I know he's a dickhead."
0:11:12 > 0:11:13I hated this guy for two reasons.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15First of all, you're not helping this girl, are you?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17You're pretending you are, but you're not.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20If she's that drunk, she's better off back with her friends or with the police.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24She's not better off hurtling towards Portsmouth at 100mph.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Nothing against Portsmouth - a fine place - but if you wake up there and you don't live there,
0:11:29 > 0:11:30that is a problem for you, isn't it?
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Anyone here, if you woke up there tomorrow,
0:11:33 > 0:11:35your first thought wouldn't be, "Well, what a fine opportunity
0:11:35 > 0:11:38"to explore the historic harbour side of Portsmouth."
0:11:38 > 0:11:41You'd think, "Shit! I'm in Portsmouth."
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Second of all, if we trace back why this girl is that drunk,
0:11:43 > 0:11:46it's probably cos an hour ago he was in a bar with her
0:11:46 > 0:11:48and he liked her, but he knew his personality was abhorrent,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51so what he did instead, every time she asked for a drink, he got her a larger one.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54They left together, the air hit her and she passed out.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57And he thought, "Oh, I'd better put this one on the train, I broke it."
0:11:57 > 0:11:59LAUGHTER
0:12:01 > 0:12:03He's not a hero, is he? He's an arsehole.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06He's just dumping a drunk woman on a train, right, so I hated him, right.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09But then these two people here - I hate them cos they bailed him out.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11They went, "Oh, that's OK, we'll get her off the train."
0:12:11 > 0:12:14And I hated them, just for getting involved.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16And also because they're drunk, as well.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17What's happened is they're drunk,
0:12:17 > 0:12:19but she's more drunk, so they've sobered up.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20"Oh, is she drunk, is she?
0:12:20 > 0:12:23"Don't worry, we only had the 12 Jagerbombs, you see, so..."
0:12:24 > 0:12:25"We'll take care of this.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28"Do be careful there, I pissed there a little bit, OK?"
0:12:28 > 0:12:30LAUGHTER
0:12:30 > 0:12:31Here's how good I am at hate, as well.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33At the same time as I'm hating them for getting involved,
0:12:33 > 0:12:36I'm simultaneously hating everyone else for not getting involved.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39That's really top-level hatred, that is.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41"There's a woman in distress here and you did nothing -
0:12:41 > 0:12:43"this country's gone to the dogs."
0:12:45 > 0:12:47He gets off the train, I start to calm myself down,
0:12:47 > 0:12:49we're rattling along, five minutes into the journey
0:12:49 > 0:12:52and I'm almost back at base-level hatred, which is still quite high.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56And I hear the noise from behind me of a sort of semi-thick liquid
0:12:56 > 0:12:59hitting the floor from about three or four feet.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02I think, "She's never having a can of soup..."
0:13:02 > 0:13:05LAUGHTER
0:13:05 > 0:13:08That's a bold snack for a train, that, isn't it?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Heinz Big Soup, I would say, from the sound of that.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12AUDIENCE GROANS
0:13:12 > 0:13:14It's not that, is it? She just chundered.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15She chundered. "Blergh!"
0:13:15 > 0:13:18She wakes up chundering on a train she doesn't remember getting on,
0:13:18 > 0:13:20which is obviously upsetting, so she starts crying.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22The crying causes her stomach to convulse,
0:13:22 > 0:13:23which makes her sick again.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26So it's a perfect little sandwich of misery going on behind me there.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28"Bleeergh!
0:13:28 > 0:13:31HE MOCK CRIES "Bleeergh!"
0:13:33 > 0:13:35What that does, of course, is rocket her up the league
0:13:35 > 0:13:37to my most hated person on the train.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Relegation zone to Champions League overnight. Unbelievable form, right.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45And the reason I hate her is because all I wanted was this seat
0:13:45 > 0:13:48and now I've got to move, because sick is coming under the thing...
0:13:48 > 0:13:50AUDIENCE: Urgh!
0:13:50 > 0:13:52On my bag and my shoes. And I start looking around at people.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54I think, "This is ridiculous now!
0:13:54 > 0:13:56"Modern Britain - you can't even get on a train
0:13:56 > 0:13:58"without getting someone else's insides ON you!"
0:13:59 > 0:14:01I just want someone to look at me and go,
0:14:01 > 0:14:02"I know, mate, what a country."
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Nobody does. They're all looking at me angry
0:14:04 > 0:14:06cos they're as drunk as she is
0:14:06 > 0:14:08and they think I'm elevating myself out of this situation.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10I can see them looking at me going...
0:14:10 > 0:14:13SLURS: "Ooh, look at Mr Clean Shoes. Hic!"
0:14:15 > 0:14:19"Mr La-di-da's too good to have our sick all over him, is he?"
0:14:20 > 0:14:22"He was sick on me, mate, I didn't move.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24"I just pissed on him a little bit."
0:14:24 > 0:14:26LAUGHTER
0:14:26 > 0:14:28I realised it's all of us,
0:14:28 > 0:14:30everyone in the country is this pissed at the moment.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33That's... Bad enough for me, I live here. I knew the signs.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35If I hadn't had a gig, I'd be as drunk as everyone else.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38But somewhere on this train is a nice little Spanish family.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41A nice little Spanish family, come to Europe on their summer holidays
0:14:41 > 0:14:43cos they've seen the Olympics.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45"Yeah, let's go to London." Cos we told them, didn't we?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48"Come to London. We wear matching tracksuits and help each other.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49"Do come, do come."
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Now they're seeing the truth. This is London.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54Now, they're on this train, terrified.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57They booked the tickets ages ago, gave them to the kids at Christmas.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01SPANISH ACCENT: "Here you go, Javier, here is your Christmas present."
0:15:01 > 0:15:03LAUGHTER
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Perfectly serviceable Spanish accent, I ain't changing it.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Just cos you...
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Just cos you are frightened by performance.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15You've put me out of character now. Hang on, I need to get back in.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17SPANISH ACCENT: "Eeh, nachos!" Right, I'm back.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19LAUGHTER
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Don't let me lose the rhythm, don't let me lose the rhythm.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26SPANISH ACCENT: "Here you go, Javier, here is your Christmas present."
0:15:26 > 0:15:27SHRIEKS: "Oh, what is it?! What is it?!"
0:15:29 > 0:15:32"Yeah, he-he..."
0:15:33 > 0:15:36"I'm going to tell you when I stop laughing at your voice."
0:15:39 > 0:15:43"This summer, we're going on our holidays to London town!"
0:15:43 > 0:15:44"London town!"
0:15:47 > 0:15:49"That's right, London town. But when we get there,
0:15:49 > 0:15:52"please don't speak out loud because people will laugh in your face."
0:15:52 > 0:15:54LAUGHTER
0:15:56 > 0:15:57"London town!"
0:15:57 > 0:15:59"London, 2012 Olympic, London!"
0:15:59 > 0:16:01"London, 2012 Olympic London,
0:16:01 > 0:16:04"but we're going there in 2013 because it's cheaper."
0:16:06 > 0:16:08"Booked us an apartment. It's on the edge of the city,
0:16:08 > 0:16:10"so every day we wake up, we have some breakfast,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13"we get the train into town, we go to Buckingham Palace,
0:16:13 > 0:16:15"we watch a show, you can stay up late every night
0:16:15 > 0:16:17"and we get the last train back to the apartment
0:16:17 > 0:16:18"in the city of London!"
0:16:18 > 0:16:20"Fucking Lo..." "Don't swear."
0:16:20 > 0:16:23LAUGHTER
0:16:24 > 0:16:26They're on this train now,
0:16:26 > 0:16:28seeing for the first time what London is really like.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30They're going to go back and their friends will say...
0:16:30 > 0:16:32SPANISH ACCENT: "How was your holiday in London?"
0:16:32 > 0:16:35They're going to say... ANGRY VOICE: "Let me tell YOU..."
0:16:36 > 0:16:38"..something about London.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41"You get the train in London, Jesus Christ."
0:16:43 > 0:16:45"You get the train in London, everybody is puking
0:16:45 > 0:16:48"and shitting and crying."
0:16:50 > 0:16:51"Urgh, puke you!"
0:16:51 > 0:16:54"Don't worry, you puke me, mate, I'll piss you!"
0:16:54 > 0:16:56LAUGHTER
0:16:56 > 0:16:58"You have to swim out of the train!"
0:16:59 > 0:17:00Their friends are going to say,
0:17:00 > 0:17:03"Jesus, why was everyone so drunk? Was it a festival or something?"
0:17:03 > 0:17:06They're going to go, "No, it was the sunshine come out!"
0:17:09 > 0:17:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:15 > 0:17:17There we go, consider yourselves satirised.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Are you excited for a great evening?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24CHEERING Yes, good.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27It's time to welcome our first guest.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29You couldn't be in better hands. Please, go wild and crazy.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Welcome to the stage the wonderful Sara Pascoe!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:38 > 0:17:40CHEERING
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Hello! Hello.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Thank you for having me, Hammersmith. I love it.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48What a beautiful building and what a beautiful place.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50I live in Lewisham, which is...brilliant.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51SMALL CHEER Yeah, whoo, Lewisham.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54If you haven't been there, just go southeast from here
0:17:54 > 0:17:56until you start getting scared, and then you've arrived.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58It's brilliant.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01We have something in Lewisham I've never seen anywhere else, right,
0:18:01 > 0:18:03which is about six months ago, along our high street
0:18:03 > 0:18:05and all the windows of the shops,
0:18:05 > 0:18:09they put life-sized stick-on policemen to protect us...
0:18:10 > 0:18:12It's so odd, it looks very odd.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14The first day I saw this, I was with my boyfriend, I was like,
0:18:14 > 0:18:17"Why have they all started selling those?"
0:18:17 > 0:18:18Cos I didn't understand.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22He went, "No, Sara, they've put them there to deter shoplifters."
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Like, what, cos they can't pick them off?!
0:18:25 > 0:18:28And then he explained to me, maybe you know this, they've done these studies,
0:18:28 > 0:18:30the Government, and it's all to do with the subconscious.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Because of the connotations of law enforcement,
0:18:33 > 0:18:35when people see these policemen, they are less likely to steal.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39But imagine how successful actual law enforcement would have been.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Cos this means that not only is Lewisham a den of thieves,
0:18:42 > 0:18:46they are also the stupidest people in the world, and I'm worried,
0:18:46 > 0:18:48because it's working, where's it going to end?
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Oh, 22% of people on the 91 didn't realise that
0:18:52 > 0:18:56the bus wasn't moving with one of these stick-on drivers.
0:18:57 > 0:19:0325% of criminals sent themselves to prison with our stick-on judges.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05I'd write a letter to my local politician,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08but I'm not sure how high up this goes.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11This is more endearing - this is about two months ago -
0:19:11 > 0:19:14somebody put up posters all around Lewisham,
0:19:14 > 0:19:16saying that they'd lost their homing pigeon.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Right, and I really love animals,
0:19:20 > 0:19:21so I kind of stood there reading the poster,
0:19:21 > 0:19:25feeling really sorry for the person, like, "Oh, my gosh, they'll be really worried,
0:19:25 > 0:19:29"they'll be out frantically looking for their homing...pigeon."
0:19:29 > 0:19:32And then the thought struck me, "How?"
0:19:33 > 0:19:36"How do you lose a homing pigeon - did they move?"
0:19:36 > 0:19:37And then, when you think about it,
0:19:37 > 0:19:39if your homing pigeon doesn't come back,
0:19:39 > 0:19:41in fact, what you've lost is a pigeon.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43LAUGHTER
0:19:43 > 0:19:45So, it's technically impossible - you can't, can you?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Cos it's not relative to terminism, it's defined by its own name.
0:19:48 > 0:19:53So you can't have it, can you? Like, "Oh, no, my immortal dog's died.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54"Oh..."
0:19:54 > 0:19:56"Ahh! My bulletproof cat got shot..."
0:19:57 > 0:19:59The reason I moved to Lewisham - I'd never been there.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02I took the first flat I found on the internet when I was moving in
0:20:02 > 0:20:03with my boyfriend.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05I've been with my boyfriend for 11 months,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08so I'm still in that lovely bit where you cry all the time.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10And, um... LAUGHTER
0:20:10 > 0:20:12We moved in together after two months,
0:20:12 > 0:20:15so I'm aware it was very quick. It was very early in our relationship.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18But I just couldn't bear waking up without him in the morning
0:20:18 > 0:20:19and he couldn't afford his rent.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21And, erm... So it's romantic.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23I really wish I could show him to you
0:20:23 > 0:20:25cos he has the best body shape that a man can have.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27I don't know if you've ever seen a man like this.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31He's got very thin arms and legs, very thin,
0:20:31 > 0:20:33and then, in the middle, a massive belly.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35It's so nice, it's a combination.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37He's got bad posture and he eats terribly,
0:20:37 > 0:20:39like all carbohydrate-y sugary things.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42I tell him all the time how much I love that belly
0:20:42 > 0:20:45and he thinks it's because I don't want him to get insecure,
0:20:45 > 0:20:48but it's not, it's cos I'm pretending he's having our child.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53I love it. I love to stroke it all the time,
0:20:53 > 0:20:55and say, "Have another biscuit!"
0:20:55 > 0:20:57It's so nice. Now, when you're in a new relationship -
0:20:57 > 0:20:59you'll all have had this experience -
0:20:59 > 0:21:00it's very exciting for everyone around you.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03So people always ask, "Ooh, how's it going?"
0:21:03 > 0:21:05And it's such a difficult question to answer.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Like, how are you supposed to actually describe
0:21:07 > 0:21:10the feeling of being in love using language?
0:21:10 > 0:21:13It, er... It doesn't come anywhere near the truth.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15At the beginning, I used to attempt to use analogies.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17So people would say, "Ooh, how's it going?"
0:21:17 > 0:21:20And I would say, "Oh, it's like I've always been a plant
0:21:20 > 0:21:26"but I used to be in a garden centre or a supermarket on a shelf
0:21:26 > 0:21:28"and now I'm in the garden."
0:21:29 > 0:21:32And, um, you can't say that to people.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I've learned that. Now what happens is people go, "How's it going?"
0:21:36 > 0:21:37And I say, "Fine."
0:21:37 > 0:21:40And, erm... But then my friend the other day, she said,
0:21:40 > 0:21:42"Well, you don't seem very happy."
0:21:42 > 0:21:45And I said, "Yeah, that's cos I'm not with him, I'm here with you."
0:21:45 > 0:21:47And... LAUGHTER
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Apparently, that's very rude.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51And my friend really told me off. She said, "Actually, Sara,
0:21:51 > 0:21:54"it's very important that you stay in contact with your friends."
0:21:54 > 0:21:56"But why? I've got him now."
0:21:56 > 0:21:58And then she said, "Well, what about if you break up?"
0:22:00 > 0:22:04"But if we break up, then I'll kill myself, so I still don't need you."
0:22:04 > 0:22:06LAUGHTER
0:22:06 > 0:22:09And we live in a society that considers any relationship
0:22:09 > 0:22:12that doesn't last until your death a failure.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13That's what really concerns me.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16At the start with my boyfriend, I realised how happy I was.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I started worrying that we would break up one day
0:22:18 > 0:22:21cos all of my previous relationships have finished
0:22:21 > 0:22:22and I don't want that to happen.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24And what I found out is...
0:22:24 > 0:22:27you shouldn't worry about the ending at the beginning,
0:22:27 > 0:22:29it ruins everything and it's illogical.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32It's like giving birth to a baby dressed as the grim reaper.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35It's like turning up at a job interview and going,
0:22:35 > 0:22:38"Oh, what's the point? If you don't sack me, I'll quit."
0:22:39 > 0:22:41So I was thinking about other couples.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43I thought a lot about Adam and Eve,
0:22:43 > 0:22:45cos they, of course, were the original couple.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47And sure, at the beginning, it's all magical.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51It's all staying up late, counting each other's ribs and laughing...
0:22:52 > 0:22:55But, over time, the magic fades.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59He's boring, she's off talking to wildlife and comfort eating...
0:22:59 > 0:23:02And then their landlord kicks them out,
0:23:02 > 0:23:04one of their kids kills the other one.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06And if they can't make it work in Paradise,
0:23:06 > 0:23:08what chance have I got in Lewisham?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:17 > 0:23:19We don't have a lot of problems. It is early days.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21The two things we have... Me and my boyfriend,
0:23:21 > 0:23:23we always have a row when I'm getting dressed
0:23:23 > 0:23:25because he thinks it takes too long.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27He doesn't understand that I have to try on all of my trousers
0:23:27 > 0:23:30because some of my trousers are liars
0:23:30 > 0:23:34and they lie about the shape and size of my legs.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36And different trousers lie on different days,
0:23:36 > 0:23:38so I never know who's going to be doing it
0:23:38 > 0:23:40and I have to try them all on.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44And I don't know who's behind it - if it's Nato or the Illuminati -
0:23:44 > 0:23:47but they're trying to slow me down. And the other thing,
0:23:47 > 0:23:50I don't like leaving him alone in the house
0:23:50 > 0:23:53because I'm worried he's having sex with somebody that he thinks is me.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55Yes.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58My worry is I've got a doppelganger,
0:23:58 > 0:24:01someone who looks exactly like me, and he's doing it with her.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03The reason is, apart from the start where it was passionate,
0:24:03 > 0:24:06I don't think that we have enough sex anymore,
0:24:06 > 0:24:07but he says that we have plenty.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Which makes me think he must be having it
0:24:11 > 0:24:13with someone he thinks is me...
0:24:14 > 0:24:16..when I'm not at home. And that's annoying on two levels.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Like, number one - he's cheating on me behind my back,
0:24:19 > 0:24:22and number two - I'm not allowed to have a go at him about it
0:24:22 > 0:24:24because he thought it was me.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26I mean, what if she said she was me?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29That is the kind of thing I would say.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32LAUGHTER Now...
0:24:33 > 0:24:36I'm being flippant... It's a very serious subject.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38I hope you've never had this experience,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41but if you're the one in the relationship who wants to have sex
0:24:41 > 0:24:43more than the other person and you get rejected all the time,
0:24:43 > 0:24:46what you end up with is sexual frustration.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48And that, it's just such a horrible thing.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50It's a vicious cycle, it's game over,
0:24:50 > 0:24:53because you can't seduce anybody once you're sexually frustrated,
0:24:53 > 0:24:54when you need it most.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58You can't encourage someone to do it with you by crying with rage.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00It doesn't change their mind.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04And I've tried talking about it both on stage and to his mum and...
0:25:04 > 0:25:05LAUGHTER
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Yeah, for some reason, it's not helping. I can't talk to my mum about it.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10My mum's brilliant and I love her and respect her,
0:25:10 > 0:25:14but she gives bad advice, especially about sex.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15My mum was brought up Catholic.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19She thought that was very oppressive, and she tried to liberate me
0:25:19 > 0:25:22and my sisters by giving us all of the information, OK?
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Too much information.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25When I was 11, before I started secondary school,
0:25:25 > 0:25:28my mum gave me a lecture about cunnilingus.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Hmm, in preparation for secondary school.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35My mum told me what it was and then she said
0:25:35 > 0:25:37that whenever I went to bed with a boy,
0:25:37 > 0:25:41I was to insist that he do this as a mark of respect.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Now, I look back as an adult and I think,
0:25:44 > 0:25:46"Oh, I can see what my mum was trying to do,
0:25:46 > 0:25:49"she obviously wanted to empower me to find my own pleasure."
0:25:49 > 0:25:51It had the exact opposite effect - it ruins everything.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53There is no way you can enjoy yourself
0:25:53 > 0:25:55with a man between your legs if you're thinking...
0:25:56 > 0:25:59.."Hmm, Mum'd be proud."
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Very similar kind of age,
0:26:02 > 0:26:05I still would have been in the first year at school, so about 11.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07I must have heard somebody using the word "twat".
0:26:07 > 0:26:08I must have picked it up
0:26:08 > 0:26:11because, in a row with my mum, I called her a twat.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13She was very angry but also calm.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16And she stopped me. She said, "That is a very ugly word,
0:26:16 > 0:26:19"but a very beautiful part of the female anatomy."
0:26:19 > 0:26:23And then she drew me a very, very detailed vagina...
0:26:23 > 0:26:25LAUGHTER ..as a demonstration of her point.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28So obviously what happened was, the next day at school,
0:26:28 > 0:26:30I heard somebody calling somebody a twat,
0:26:30 > 0:26:33and I marched over and said, "No, actually, it's a very ugly word,
0:26:33 > 0:26:35"but a very beautiful part of the female anatomy."
0:26:35 > 0:26:39And I drew them a very, very detailed vagina.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41So, subsequently, at school for five years
0:26:41 > 0:26:44I was known as a raving and predatory lesbian.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Of course, we were children.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48We had no idea what a lesbian was,
0:26:48 > 0:26:52but it was probably the girl surrounded by self-drawn genitalia,
0:26:52 > 0:26:55pushing it on people all the time.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58And I would argue that it is better to be called a twat
0:26:58 > 0:27:00than Leonardo Da Minge-y.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03LAUGHTER
0:27:03 > 0:27:05I don't know if you know, but there's this organisation,
0:27:05 > 0:27:08they're called No More Page Three and they want Page Three banned...
0:27:08 > 0:27:10SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Whoo! Yeah, whoo!
0:27:10 > 0:27:13..not just cos it's objectification, but cos it's so pervasive, it seems acceptable.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17Children grow up thinking that that's an OK way to look at women, but ever since they've existed,
0:27:17 > 0:27:20there's been a backlash against them, with people pointing out,
0:27:20 > 0:27:22and rightly so, we live in the Western world.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25No-one is coerced to become a Page Three girl, that is their choice.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Why are feminists oppressing other women?
0:27:27 > 0:27:29And also, if you took it away,
0:27:29 > 0:27:31how are they supposed to earn their living?
0:27:31 > 0:27:34And I did think, I was like, "Yeah, this is an unsolvable problem,"
0:27:34 > 0:27:37until I did solve it in a dream.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41Guys, we have to make Page Three-like jury duty.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42LAUGHTER
0:27:42 > 0:27:49Yes. So, every woman over the age of 18 becomes eligible for Page Three
0:27:49 > 0:27:51and then all that happens is one day, you get up,
0:27:51 > 0:27:52and there's a letter.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54And it says... "Oh!"
0:27:54 > 0:27:56.."Dear Sara, please come to the Sun offices
0:27:56 > 0:28:01"at 9am tomorrow morning, bring some snazzy pants
0:28:01 > 0:28:03"and a pithy quote about Syria..."
0:28:03 > 0:28:06And you just have to go and then you have to do it,
0:28:06 > 0:28:08because if Page Three represented the whole spectrum
0:28:08 > 0:28:10of what it looked like to be a woman,
0:28:10 > 0:28:12it wouldn't be objectification any more,
0:28:12 > 0:28:14it would just be nudity, it wouldn't be dangerous
0:28:14 > 0:28:16because it would show all the different kinds of breasts.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19There'd be small ones and saggy ones
0:28:19 > 0:28:21and different-sized ones and hairy ones, and men...
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Men would still like it cos it's still boobies.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27LAUGHTER But the other difference would be to the woman's face
0:28:27 > 0:28:30cos at the moment, they're very young, very beautiful women -
0:28:30 > 0:28:32it's not them I'm attacking, it's the system.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34But their facial expression is coquettish,
0:28:34 > 0:28:37so it's permissive, it allows them to be looked at.
0:28:37 > 0:28:38What it says to the viewer is,
0:28:38 > 0:28:42"Ah! You've just found me in the garden!"
0:28:42 > 0:28:44LAUGHTER
0:28:44 > 0:28:48"I haven't got a top on, and you shouldn't really be looking,
0:28:48 > 0:28:50"cos you're my best friend's dad!
0:28:50 > 0:28:52"But it's OK..."
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Whereas, with the new system, the woman on Page Three,
0:28:54 > 0:28:56she'll be 52, she'll be a dinner lady...
0:28:56 > 0:29:00She'll be aghast and horrified at what they're going to say at work
0:29:00 > 0:29:04the next day, and she'll be looking straight down the lens...
0:29:05 > 0:29:08..knowing exactly what you're doing.
0:29:08 > 0:29:12So, in a way, Page Three might just all die out on its own, mightn't it?
0:29:12 > 0:29:14Without anyone having to tell anyone what to do.
0:29:14 > 0:29:18When you say things like this, this is what I get now, that people, they attack you by saying,
0:29:18 > 0:29:19"It's cos you're jealous.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23"You're not as good-looking as these women, you don't want anyone else looking..."
0:29:23 > 0:29:26It's not jealousy, I love beautiful women and I like looking at women...
0:29:26 > 0:29:30The only thing that makes me jealous is pornography, I don't like my boyfriend watching it.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32I do think it's kind of a form of infidelity,
0:29:32 > 0:29:34cos he'll be imagining himself having sex with other women,
0:29:34 > 0:29:36and I don't understand why he needs to watch it
0:29:36 > 0:29:38when I draw him such great vaginas.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41LAUGHTER That should be plenty.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44He hates being in my stand-up, he doesn't like me talking about him.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47He hates what I say about his belly at the beginning...
0:29:47 > 0:29:49The first time he saw me do that at a gig, he started a diet,
0:29:49 > 0:29:52but he's only lost weight from his arms and legs.
0:29:52 > 0:29:53It's worked out well for me.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56He also did the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me, right.
0:29:56 > 0:29:58He waited for me after a gig once as a surprise.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00He was trying to spice things up.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02He waited for me, he had spent all day rewriting the rules
0:30:02 > 0:30:04to Trivial Pursuit to make it
0:30:04 > 0:30:06Strip Trivial Pursuit...
0:30:06 > 0:30:09And he was like, "Come on, Sara, we'll go straight home.
0:30:09 > 0:30:12"We'll have a drink, we'll have a sexy time and..."
0:30:12 > 0:30:16I don't know if any of you have ever played Strip Trivial Pursuit... Mm?
0:30:16 > 0:30:17But let me tell you what it is.
0:30:17 > 0:30:22That is you, sitting on a chair with no clothes on, feeling fat,
0:30:22 > 0:30:26watching someone fully clothed beat you at Trivial Pursuit.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28LAUGHTER
0:30:28 > 0:30:30Thank you so much for having me.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32Enjoy the rest of your night. Bye-bye.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:36 > 0:30:38Sara Pascoe!
0:30:38 > 0:30:40CHEERING
0:30:42 > 0:30:44Are you ready for our final act of the evening?
0:30:44 > 0:30:46AUDIENCE: Whoo!
0:30:46 > 0:30:49Please go wild and crazy for the wonderful Mr Nathan Caton!
0:30:49 > 0:30:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:00 > 0:31:01Hello, hello, hello.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03Evening, guys. You guys all right?
0:31:03 > 0:31:04AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:31:04 > 0:31:08Good. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Nathan Caton.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10I'm from a little town called Greenford, in West London.
0:31:10 > 0:31:12SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Whoo!
0:31:12 > 0:31:14Really?! You're cheering Green...?!
0:31:14 > 0:31:16Y-You've never been there before. Right?
0:31:16 > 0:31:19Nah, Greenford... Greenford, it's a nice area...
0:31:19 > 0:31:20Greenford's the kind of area, where, like,
0:31:20 > 0:31:22everyone thinks they're a bad boy,
0:31:22 > 0:31:24but deep down, everyone is soft as shit.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26Right? I'll give you a prime example.
0:31:26 > 0:31:30Remember a few summers ago, we had the famous riots,
0:31:30 > 0:31:31up and down the country, right?
0:31:31 > 0:31:33And during the riots, the rioters,
0:31:33 > 0:31:36they were targeting the same kind of shops.
0:31:36 > 0:31:39You know, Foot Locker, Carphone Warehouse, JD Sports, you know.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42The obvious places to loot if you're going to loot.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44In Greenford, do you know who they looted?
0:31:44 > 0:31:46Hobbycraft.
0:31:46 > 0:31:48LAUGHTER
0:31:48 > 0:31:50Yeah, that's how bad-boy Greenford is!
0:31:50 > 0:31:52During the riots, there were young kids going,
0:31:52 > 0:31:54"Yo, blud! Yo, blud! I want a new hoodie, yeah?
0:31:54 > 0:31:56"But I want to make it myself."
0:31:58 > 0:32:01Real bad boys do arts and crafts, you get me?
0:32:02 > 0:32:05So, that's where I live, I live in Greenford.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08Um, I live at home with my mum still.
0:32:08 > 0:32:10Thank you for that judgmental silence.
0:32:10 > 0:32:12LAUGHTER
0:32:12 > 0:32:14I like to get it out the way from the top, you know?
0:32:14 > 0:32:17Cos I've come to realise some people do have a bit of an issue
0:32:17 > 0:32:19with the fact that I still live at home with my mum.
0:32:19 > 0:32:23I did a gig not too long ago where I got booed off stage for saying
0:32:23 > 0:32:25that I live at home, right?
0:32:25 > 0:32:27I walked out, I went, "Hey, guys, how you doing?
0:32:27 > 0:32:30"My name's Nathan Caton. I'll tell you a bit about myself.
0:32:30 > 0:32:33"I still live at home with my family..."
0:32:33 > 0:32:37And as soon as I said it, the whole audience went, "Boo! Boo!"
0:32:37 > 0:32:40I said, "All right, man. All right, man. Chill out!"
0:32:40 > 0:32:43Gosh! That's the last time I do a charity gig for an orphanage.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46LAUGHTER
0:32:46 > 0:32:48APPLAUSE
0:32:48 > 0:32:52You're jealous cos my family kept me, piss off!
0:32:53 > 0:32:55Nah, sod 'em! Who are they going to cry to?
0:32:55 > 0:32:58AUDIENCE: Oh! LAUGHTER
0:33:00 > 0:33:03Yeah, I live... So, I do generally live at home, I live at home...
0:33:03 > 0:33:06I live with my mum and my stepdad.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09They got married quite recently, right?
0:33:09 > 0:33:11Now, don't get me wrong, listen, I'm happy for my mum,
0:33:11 > 0:33:14she's found happiness, that's great, she deserves it.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16However, at the moment, they're still going through that whole...
0:33:16 > 0:33:20that honeymoon phase, where they're having sex all the time...
0:33:20 > 0:33:22Yeah, that is bloody disturbing, man.
0:33:22 > 0:33:25Cos my bedroom is, like, right next door, so every time they do it,
0:33:25 > 0:33:27I hear EVERYTHING.
0:33:27 > 0:33:31Like, a few Saturdays ago, it's late at night, I'm about to go to sleep.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33From next door, I can hear my stepdad going...
0:33:33 > 0:33:36"Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
0:33:36 > 0:33:38"Oh, yes. Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord.
0:33:38 > 0:33:41"Say something nasty, say something nasty, say something nasty..."
0:33:43 > 0:33:44So, I screamed out,
0:33:44 > 0:33:46"You're not my real dad!"
0:33:46 > 0:33:48LAUGHTER
0:33:50 > 0:33:52Yeah, I showed him!
0:33:53 > 0:33:57..Coming in my house, shagging my mum, what an idiot...
0:33:57 > 0:33:58The cheek.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01So, yeah... Living at home, boy. Um...
0:34:01 > 0:34:02I mean, it's not all bad.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05There are some good things about living at home, like, um...
0:34:05 > 0:34:07The best thing for me is my neighbour.
0:34:07 > 0:34:10I've got the best next-door neighbour in the world.
0:34:10 > 0:34:11So, an old lady called Mrs Bishop.
0:34:11 > 0:34:16Lovely, sweet old lady, but she's overly PC when it comes to race.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19She's petrified of appearing racist, right.
0:34:19 > 0:34:23So much so that whenever she talks to me or my family,
0:34:23 > 0:34:24she never says the word "black".
0:34:26 > 0:34:29Instead, she says...urban.
0:34:31 > 0:34:33She'll say something like, "Oh, Nathan, Nathan.
0:34:33 > 0:34:36"Um, do you know the little, um, the little urban kid from Number 5?
0:34:36 > 0:34:39"You know with the big, urban hair? You've seen him, right?"
0:34:40 > 0:34:42Mrs Bishop, you don't have to do that, man.
0:34:42 > 0:34:43That's dumb on so many levels.
0:34:43 > 0:34:46I'm mean, like, firstly, urban is not an adequate replacement
0:34:46 > 0:34:47for black, right?
0:34:47 > 0:34:49Urban's a city, anyone can be urban.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52Two - the word black, it's not racist, it's a colour.
0:34:52 > 0:34:55I'm not going to get offended over a colour.
0:34:55 > 0:34:56I'm a human being, not a bull.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01And three - even if the word black WAS racist,
0:35:01 > 0:35:03I still wouldn't be offended if you said it
0:35:03 > 0:35:05cos you're black, too.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:12 > 0:35:14Spit it out, what's wrong with you?
0:35:14 > 0:35:15I'm immature. I know I'm immature.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17I get told all the time I'm immature.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19I think the big reason why I'm so immature is...
0:35:19 > 0:35:20It's cos of my mates, right?
0:35:20 > 0:35:23A lot of my mates who I hang with, they're very immature. Like, um...
0:35:23 > 0:35:27My mate Paul, he's a prime example of how immature we are, right?
0:35:27 > 0:35:30My mate Paul, he's, um... He's what I like to call a bit of a lad,
0:35:30 > 0:35:33which is basically a man's way of saying,
0:35:33 > 0:35:35"He's a bellend, but he's my mate."
0:35:36 > 0:35:39That's what a lad is, innit? Like, he's a dickhead, but I've known him for too long
0:35:39 > 0:35:40to get rid of him, right?
0:35:42 > 0:35:45Paul, he's a typical lad. He does lad things.
0:35:45 > 0:35:49Lads say things that are maybe racist, sexist,
0:35:49 > 0:35:52misogynistic or homophobic, and then they always justify it
0:35:52 > 0:35:54by going, "Banter, innit? Banter, innit?
0:35:54 > 0:35:58"Bants, bants, bants, bants, bants," like a proper dickhead...
0:35:58 > 0:36:00Paul does it all the time.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03I remember one time England were playing Poland,
0:36:03 > 0:36:04it was a World Cup qualifier.
0:36:04 > 0:36:08And what happened was the FA allocated 18,000 tickets
0:36:08 > 0:36:11to the Poland fans, which is like double the normal amount.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14Um, Paul found out and he was like, "Yeah, bruv, that's cool.
0:36:14 > 0:36:18"If the FA want to let 18,000 Polish people into Wembley Stadium,
0:36:18 > 0:36:19"it's the least they could do.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22"After all, they probably built the place, innit?
0:36:22 > 0:36:24"Ha-ha-ha. Banter, innit, bruv? Banter, innit, yeah?
0:36:24 > 0:36:26"Bants, man. Bants, bants, bants, bants."
0:36:26 > 0:36:28"Shut up, you idiot."
0:36:28 > 0:36:31That's dumb. I mean, firstly that's a lazy stereotype.
0:36:31 > 0:36:33Not all Polish people are builders.
0:36:33 > 0:36:37Secondly, Wembley Stadium was ?75 million over budget
0:36:37 > 0:36:39and four years behind schedule.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42That's got British builders written all over it.
0:36:42 > 0:36:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:48 > 0:36:50If you're going to be racist, just be accurate.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54That's one thing that annoys me more than racism itself -
0:36:54 > 0:36:57lazy, sloppy racism.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59Not saying that there's good parts of racism,
0:36:59 > 0:37:02but lazy, sloppy racism really gets on my nerves, right.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04I'll give you an example of what I mean -
0:37:04 > 0:37:06a story which happened during the summer.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09Um, there's a black football player called Dani Alves.
0:37:09 > 0:37:10He plays for Barcelona.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13Now, he was playing one game and during the match,
0:37:13 > 0:37:15a fan from the crowd chucked a banana at him.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17Just random - "pow!" Right?
0:37:17 > 0:37:20Dani Alves is quite cool, didn't let it get to him.
0:37:20 > 0:37:23Picked up the banana, ate it, chucked away the skin, right?
0:37:23 > 0:37:25Now, when it happened, some of my white friends
0:37:25 > 0:37:27were asking me how I felt.
0:37:27 > 0:37:30Cos that's what happens every time there's a story in the news
0:37:30 > 0:37:32that's linked to black people.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34I don't know why. It always happens. Any time...
0:37:34 > 0:37:37Like, I guarantee any... One of my white friends will ask me,
0:37:37 > 0:37:41not just how I feel, but how black people feel as a whole...
0:37:41 > 0:37:45I don't know. We don't all get together and discuss shit.
0:37:46 > 0:37:47You don't get PMQs for black people.
0:37:47 > 0:37:49You know, we all get together in a room,
0:37:49 > 0:37:52a little speaker at the front going, "Order, order, order.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54"Come on, black people, let's start proceedings.
0:37:54 > 0:37:58"We're already half an hour late cos we all turn up late. Uh..."
0:37:59 > 0:38:01"OK, first topic on the agenda,
0:38:01 > 0:38:04"now that America have started another horrific war
0:38:04 > 0:38:05"in the Middle East,
0:38:05 > 0:38:08"is Barack Obama still black or now mixed race? Discuss."
0:38:08 > 0:38:10Right?
0:38:10 > 0:38:12We don't do that. We don't get together.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14But I guarantee, any time there's a black story,
0:38:14 > 0:38:16my white friends will come to me.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19Like, the end of 2013, three of my white friends text me
0:38:19 > 0:38:22the same thing, going, "Hey, bruv, I heard about Mandela.
0:38:22 > 0:38:23"Are you OK?"
0:38:23 > 0:38:25LAUGHTER
0:38:27 > 0:38:28Piss off, man.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33Of course I was sad, it's Mandela. I was, I was sad.
0:38:33 > 0:38:36I think everyone was sad. I was... I was sad, but also, like...
0:38:36 > 0:38:39Right, this might sound weird coming from a black person,
0:38:39 > 0:38:42but I don't mind saying it, cos, you know, it's honestly how I felt...
0:38:42 > 0:38:46Looking at the love and adoration that was shown towards Mandela
0:38:46 > 0:38:49after he passed away, it kind of made me a bit jealous
0:38:49 > 0:38:50that here in the UK
0:38:50 > 0:38:53we haven't had that same kind of segregation or racism.
0:38:56 > 0:38:57How I felt, right?
0:38:58 > 0:39:01I mean, obviously, there's logic to it, hear me out.
0:39:01 > 0:39:05In South Africa, they had the whole apartheid movement.
0:39:05 > 0:39:08As a result, they got inspirational black leaders, you know,
0:39:08 > 0:39:11like Nelson Mandela, Desmond Tutu...
0:39:11 > 0:39:14In America, they had the civil rights movement.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17As a result, they got inspirational black leaders, you know,
0:39:17 > 0:39:19like, Malcolm X and Martin Luther King.
0:39:19 > 0:39:22Here in the UK, we've had nothing.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25As a result, who have we got?
0:39:25 > 0:39:27Lenny Henry...
0:39:27 > 0:39:29Ainsley Harriott...
0:39:29 > 0:39:31And Howard from the Halifax adverts.
0:39:31 > 0:39:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:38 > 0:39:40Don't get me wrong, I love those guys,
0:39:40 > 0:39:43but it's not the same, man, it's not the same.
0:39:43 > 0:39:45So anyway, sorry, I've gone off point.
0:39:45 > 0:39:46I was talking about Dani Alves,
0:39:46 > 0:39:49the black football player who had a banana chucked at him, right?
0:39:49 > 0:39:51And I said, after it happened,
0:39:51 > 0:39:52my white friends - not being racist -
0:39:52 > 0:39:55just casually were asking me how I felt.
0:39:55 > 0:39:58Now, how I felt was, I was offended, but not for the reason
0:39:58 > 0:40:00that they thought I'd be offended.
0:40:00 > 0:40:02I wasn't offended because it was racist,
0:40:02 > 0:40:06I was offended because of HOW it was racist, you know?
0:40:06 > 0:40:09The guy chucked a banana.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11Really? A banana?
0:40:11 > 0:40:15What kind of lazy, boring, uncreative racism is that, man?
0:40:15 > 0:40:18It's not the 18th century, it's the 21st century.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21Black people, we've moved on. We like other things now, you know?
0:40:23 > 0:40:25Chuck a Nando's menu, man!
0:40:26 > 0:40:29APPLAUSE
0:40:30 > 0:40:33A banana, that's not racism, that's potassium.
0:40:33 > 0:40:34I'm not offended by that.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37Up your game, bellend. What's wrong with you?
0:40:40 > 0:40:43Love sports, man. I'm a massive sports fan.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45Me and my mates, always arguing about sports,
0:40:45 > 0:40:46always arguing about stuff.
0:40:46 > 0:40:48We got into an argument,
0:40:48 > 0:40:50me and one of my mates in particular.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52We got into a argument at the start of the year.
0:40:52 > 0:40:56A former football player, he came out in the news, right,
0:40:56 > 0:40:57to reveal that he's gay.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00Now, that's cool. Fair credit to him for coming out, that's all good.
0:41:00 > 0:41:02However, at the same time, I can't help but think,
0:41:02 > 0:41:05"Why is it someone famous revealing that they're gay
0:41:05 > 0:41:07"is still seen as a headline?"
0:41:07 > 0:41:10You know, it shouldn't be a headline to be gay in today's day and age.
0:41:10 > 0:41:11So what? That shouldn't be a headline.
0:41:11 > 0:41:13It's like, OK, it's cool, you're gay.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15What do you want, a cookie?
0:41:15 > 0:41:18Oh, a cock, knock yourself out. Go for it, right.
0:41:18 > 0:41:19No big deal, right.
0:41:19 > 0:41:22But the weird thing was, after that player came out,
0:41:22 > 0:41:24I was talking to a mate of mine, who is gay...
0:41:24 > 0:41:27Cos that's what happens every time there's a story in the news
0:41:27 > 0:41:29that's linked to gay people.
0:41:29 > 0:41:31LAUGHTER
0:41:31 > 0:41:34APPLAUSE
0:41:37 > 0:41:40I was asking him how gay people felt as a whole, right.
0:41:42 > 0:41:44I was saying... I was like, "Bruv, I don't get it.
0:41:44 > 0:41:46"Why is it a big deal to be gay in today's day and age?
0:41:46 > 0:41:49"It's not a taboo, it's normal, it's accepted. It's cool, right?"
0:41:49 > 0:41:52But then my mate, he was like, "Nathan, let me stop you there, OK?
0:41:52 > 0:41:55"Um, yes, I hear what you mean. The world is more tolerant,
0:41:55 > 0:41:57"it's more liberal. Yeah, I get that.
0:41:57 > 0:41:59"But, trust me, if someone famous comes out,
0:41:59 > 0:42:00"it's still a big issue, innit?
0:42:00 > 0:42:03"Cos gay people, we're still seen as a minority, you know?
0:42:03 > 0:42:05"Like you being black, for example."
0:42:08 > 0:42:09No, it's not.
0:42:10 > 0:42:12Like, when I was 17, 18 years old,
0:42:12 > 0:42:15I didn't have to gather my family together.
0:42:15 > 0:42:17LAUGHTER
0:42:20 > 0:42:22"Mum, Grandma..."
0:42:23 > 0:42:25"..um, I've got something to tell you guys, yeah?
0:42:25 > 0:42:29"Uh, Mum, remember the other day when you came in my room
0:42:29 > 0:42:32"and, um, I was reading the Nando's menu and you asked me why?"
0:42:34 > 0:42:35"Remember that?
0:42:35 > 0:42:39"And, um, Grandma, remember last weekend
0:42:39 > 0:42:41"when I picked you up and I was half an hour late for no reason?
0:42:41 > 0:42:42"Remember that, yeah?
0:42:42 > 0:42:44"Well, basically, it's because I'm, um...
0:42:44 > 0:42:46"It's, um, because I'm..."
0:42:46 > 0:42:48"What, boy, what? What you is? What you is?"
0:42:50 > 0:42:52"It's cos I'm..."
0:42:52 > 0:42:54"No!
0:42:54 > 0:42:58"In my house?! You is? You is?!"
0:42:58 > 0:43:00"Yeah, I'm urban."
0:43:00 > 0:43:04LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:43:04 > 0:43:08You guys have been cool. I've been Nathan Caton. Thank you, cheers.
0:43:08 > 0:43:11CHEERING
0:43:11 > 0:43:13Nathan Caton!
0:43:13 > 0:43:15CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:43:17 > 0:43:19Have you had a good time? ALL: Yeah!
0:43:19 > 0:43:23Thank you for coming. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight you've seen Sara Pascoe.
0:43:23 > 0:43:24CHEERING
0:43:24 > 0:43:26Nathan Caton. CHEERING
0:43:26 > 0:43:28And from myself, Jon Richardson, see you again soon.
0:43:28 > 0:43:30Take care. Good night. Bye-bye!
0:43:30 > 0:43:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE