0:00:18 > 0:00:22Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Hal Cruttenden!
0:00:25 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Wow!
0:00:37 > 0:00:42Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Live At The Apollo!
0:00:42 > 0:00:44CHEERING
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Lovely to be here. Lovely. Lovely to be in West London.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Can I say that? Lovely to be here, we are West London people,
0:00:51 > 0:00:52do we have any here?
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Yes, I am myself of West London.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Yes, I grew up in Ealing, down the road.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Yes, there's probably more than that,
0:01:01 > 0:01:04but they think it's vulgar to shout out.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Um. It is wonderful, it is wonderful Ealing, isn't it?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Queen of the Suburbs, it's called,
0:01:10 > 0:01:13also coincidentally my nickname at school.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17But it's quite posh, Ealing, isn't it?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Wouldn't you say, it is quite posh?
0:01:19 > 0:01:22It is quite posh. I am quite posh, I now live in Enfield.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Yeah, see, quite rough.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Um...
0:01:28 > 0:01:33No, it's awkward, it's awkward, I'm quite posh, my kids are quite rough!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36It's quite awkward, I mean, I'm trying to show my daughter
0:01:36 > 0:01:39the correct knife to use in a restaurant the other day
0:01:39 > 0:01:41and she just said, "A blade's a blade." That's wrong, isn't it?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45I was a weird kid myself, I was scared,
0:01:45 > 0:01:47I was scared of everything as a kid. I was scared of Santa.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52My parents would tell me about Santa as I was like,
0:01:52 > 0:01:54"Right. Sorry, let me get this straight, parents,
0:01:54 > 0:01:57"you're going to let an old stranger into my room
0:01:57 > 0:01:59"in the middle of the night
0:01:59 > 0:02:02"because he wants to 'give me a present', are you serious?!"
0:02:06 > 0:02:07I was scared of the tooth fairy!
0:02:07 > 0:02:10You know, your tooth falls out, leave it under the pillow,
0:02:10 > 0:02:13tooth fairy comes along, takes it away and leaves you some cash.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14I would be freaking.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17I would be going, "I don't want to sell my body parts!"
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Who's coming next, the kidney pixie?!
0:02:21 > 0:02:23The knob goblin?!
0:02:26 > 0:02:31I'm mid-40s now. I'm mid-40s, I have no pension plan in place,
0:02:31 > 0:02:33I have no pension sorted at all.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Having said that, I'm in show business.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38I may well spend my 70s in jail.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45APPLAUSE
0:02:48 > 0:02:50I am joking, obviously. Loads of us...
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Loads of us are getting away with it now.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54Ooh!
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Talking about celebrities and showbiz,
0:03:01 > 0:03:03we have loads of celebrities - Dick and Dom!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05We have Dick and Dom!
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Oh, my word.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12You virtually raised my children! You know that?
0:03:12 > 0:03:16My youngest daughter's first word was "bogies", apparently.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18I wasn't there because I was working too hard.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20No, but, honestly, bloody well done!
0:03:20 > 0:03:23It's fantastic. I mean, honestly, because I was a terrible dad
0:03:23 > 0:03:26so I needed people like you, I think. I've been a bad dad.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29I'm too honest with my kids. My kids say to me stuff like, um,
0:03:29 > 0:03:31"Daddy, what will I be when I grow up?"
0:03:31 > 0:03:33And I just say, "Disappointed." That's wrong, isn't it?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37I used to say to them stuff like, you know,
0:03:37 > 0:03:41don't talk to strangers, OK? But don't be too frightened,
0:03:41 > 0:03:43because remember, statistically,
0:03:43 > 0:03:46as an adult living under the same roof,
0:03:46 > 0:03:49I'm about ten times more likely to kill you
0:03:49 > 0:03:51than someone you don't know.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Now will you go to bed? "Yes, we will. I'm sorry."
0:03:57 > 0:04:00But, Dick and Dom, honestly, you know, I love you guys.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03You know, when you can't get Coke, there's always Pepsi.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05When you can't get Ant and Dec, there's...
0:04:05 > 0:04:07No, I bloody love you!
0:04:07 > 0:04:08I love you guys.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16And we've also... We've also got Rebecca Adlington! Where are you?
0:04:16 > 0:04:17There you are!
0:04:19 > 0:04:23And you got married two months ago?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Congratulations!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29To another swimmer?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31So there's two of you,
0:04:31 > 0:04:33two really competitive people in a marriage,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35that's really, really...
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Good luck with that!
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Do you have to hide your medals and stuff,
0:04:39 > 0:04:41because he's not as high-profile?
0:04:43 > 0:04:46If you have a horrible row, do you put on a gold and go,
0:04:46 > 0:04:47"Hm, thank you."
0:04:51 > 0:04:56We have Jon Culshaw in the audience. Ladies and gentlemen, Jon Culshaw!
0:04:58 > 0:05:00I've never met you, Jon,
0:05:00 > 0:05:03but people say that when I'm performing on telly or something,
0:05:03 > 0:05:05people have told me that I'm...
0:05:05 > 0:05:08I'm like you doing Tony Blair.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13I mean, doing an imitation! Not doing Tony Blair.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15"Oh, yes, Jon, take me harder. Treat me like Iraq."
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Um...
0:05:16 > 0:05:20LAUGHTER
0:05:20 > 0:05:22I want to be a more political comic, folks,
0:05:22 > 0:05:25but I can't quite... be bothered to do the reading.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29That's most of us, isn't it?
0:05:29 > 0:05:33Most of us are angry but not sure why when it comes to politics.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Strong opinions based on very little information.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38I walk around saying things like,
0:05:38 > 0:05:41"Typical Tories making the poor pay for the mistakes of the rich!"
0:05:41 > 0:05:44"Explain more in detail with statistics."
0:05:44 > 0:05:46"Piss off!" That's most of us, isn't it?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51My wife's worse than me! Do you remember Abu Hamza?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54One eye, two hooks for hands, like this?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Scarier than this. Wasn't quite as camp as this.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01A few months ago it's on our radio in the kitchen -
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Abu Hamza's been sentenced to life imprisonment.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05My wife went, "Good Job!"
0:06:05 > 0:06:07And I went, "Why? What's he done? What do you know about it?"
0:06:07 > 0:06:09She said, "He looks like a pirate!"
0:06:14 > 0:06:16We are generally...
0:06:16 > 0:06:18We sort of hate our politicians, don't we?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21We hate politicians, love our royals.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22I think we love the royals
0:06:22 > 0:06:25because they're so good at pretending
0:06:25 > 0:06:27to be impressed by stuff and fascinated.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Prince Charles, you could put him anywhere.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Put Prince Charles in a factory and he'll go, "Ooh, it's amazing!"
0:06:32 > 0:06:34This isn't bad, is it, Jon?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- IMITATES PRINCE CHARLES: - "It's amazing. You make sausages,
0:06:38 > 0:06:39"that's extraordinary."
0:06:41 > 0:06:43He'd be amazed at McDonald's, wouldn't he, Prince Charles?
0:06:43 > 0:06:46"Oh, it's amazing. Someone says Big Mac meal
0:06:46 > 0:06:51"and you have to get the burger and the fries. Amazing!
0:06:51 > 0:06:55"Your skin condition is fascinating!"
0:06:58 > 0:07:01The only one who really says what he's thinking is Prince Philip.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05And that's why they're always having to pretend he's ill
0:07:05 > 0:07:07for the big events, aren't they?
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Do you remember the Queen's Diamond Jubilee and Prince Philip "was ill"?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17He was not ill. Someone looked at the line-up and thought,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20"Prince Philip cannot meet Stevie Wonder. That meeting cannot happen."
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- IMITATES PRINCE PHILIP: - "Oh, you're blind are you?
0:07:24 > 0:07:25"I don't believe it!"
0:07:30 > 0:07:32We love our royals, we hate our politicians!
0:07:32 > 0:07:34We hate our politicians! I think it's because
0:07:34 > 0:07:36they're always trying to show us how normal they are.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Every speech they're always mentioning
0:07:38 > 0:07:40all about the normal people they've met.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43"I met a man the other day. I met a pensioner.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47"I asked him if he was worried about crime, if he felt safe in his house.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49"He said to me, 'Who are you? I'm calling the police.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50"'Get out of my bedroom!'"
0:07:52 > 0:07:56"I met a woman in Birmingham. I asked her if she was working.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59"She said it was 30 for oral, 50 for full sex."
0:07:59 > 0:08:01LAUGHTER
0:08:03 > 0:08:07They tell us how they met and they tell us what we deserve.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09They're always telling us what the British people deserve.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11"The British people deserve
0:08:11 > 0:08:13"a first-class National Health Service."
0:08:13 > 0:08:17I always hear that and just think, "Why?"
0:08:19 > 0:08:22I know loads of British people who are total bastards...
0:08:25 > 0:08:27..and deserve nothing of the sort.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32The correct statement should be, "Nice British people deserve
0:08:32 > 0:08:34"a first-class National Health Service.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36"Bastards deserve a crap one."
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I want to see that implemented in my local hospital.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42I want doctors walking around A&E with clipboards going,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45what have we got here? 75-year-old man. Suspected heart attack,
0:08:45 > 0:08:46happily married, does a lot for charity,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49pillar of the community, get him in the cubicle, I'll be there in a sec.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53What've we got here? 53-year-old man, suspected brain haemorrhage.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Ooh, ooh, ooh, ow...
0:08:55 > 0:08:59Personalised numberplate? Ooh, um...
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Works in banking? No, no, no.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Lives in London but supports Man U?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13No, leave him in the corridor to die in his own filth.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Do we have any Man United fans here, by the way?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22CHEERING
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Oh, God.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Oh, don't, don't. I'm not seriously having a go at you, I'm not.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31I've sort of got a problem with all football at the moment.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35I don't like footballers, they're not very nice people.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36Are they?
0:09:36 > 0:09:39You watch them walk out, they walk out with a small child, don't they?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41A little mascot
0:09:41 > 0:09:44to show that they're a nice guy, they all walk out with a little kid.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Or lunch, as Suarez calls it.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48LAUGHTER
0:09:50 > 0:09:52They all walk out with a small child.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55I think those are all their children from extramarital affairs.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57And that's the only time they see them.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59"So, how's school, is school going well?"
0:09:59 > 0:10:02- HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: "Who are you?" - They're bastards, these guys.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06I want nice guys in my football team. I want nice, sensitive blokes.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Not over-sensitive, that would be rubbish for football, wouldn't it?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11It's a big game, how do you feel
0:10:11 > 0:10:14"We're a bundle of nerves, we really are."
0:10:14 > 0:10:15You've picked up some injuries.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18"Wayne's hurt his knee, Stevie's got a headache."
0:10:19 > 0:10:21A camp team could be devastating.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25Football is one of the most homophobic sports on the planet.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27The opposition would crap themselves
0:10:27 > 0:10:29if your team skipped camply out onto the field...
0:10:29 > 0:10:33and we sang them show tunes from the stands going...
0:10:33 > 0:10:36# Luck be a lady tonight! Luck be a lady tonight! #
0:10:36 > 0:10:38They score a goal and we're not going, "1-0, 1-0!"
0:10:38 > 0:10:41We're going, "Supercalifragilistic- expialidocious! "
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Football fans are never like that, they're never that camp.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49And someone told me, they said, "You can't talk about football. You are middle class
0:10:49 > 0:10:52"and football is a working-class game, it's a working-man's game."
0:10:52 > 0:10:55And I said to him, "Have you been to a Premiership match recently?"
0:10:55 > 0:10:57They have priced working men out of football,
0:10:57 > 0:10:59working-class people out of football, I believe.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Honestly, you go to any game and you'll see, basically,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05that the grounds are packed full of middle-class men
0:11:05 > 0:11:07pretending to be working class.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Going, "Oi, Ref, you wanker!" So sorry about the language, Giles,
0:11:10 > 0:11:12"but God knows what school he went to."
0:11:14 > 0:11:16But men in football,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19men still have that unique lack of perspective in football.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21I heard a Manchester United fan
0:11:21 > 0:11:24talking about the retirement of Alex Ferguson
0:11:24 > 0:11:25on Radio 5 Live last year,
0:11:25 > 0:11:27and he honestly said this,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30"When I heard Fergy was going,
0:11:30 > 0:11:33"it was like a death in the family for me."
0:11:33 > 0:11:37And this radio presenter went, "Yeah, mate, I understand."
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Not, "You emotionally retarded twat."
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Wouldn't it be lovely to see the media get real with football fans?
0:11:49 > 0:11:52End of the season and Gary Lineker comes on Match Of The Day and says,
0:11:52 > 0:11:55"Well, if your team's been relegated and you're sitting at home crying,
0:11:55 > 0:12:00"maybe it's time you redirected your energy to something that matters.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03"Like your wife and kids. Good night and grow up."
0:12:06 > 0:12:09I have a theory why men behave so badly around football
0:12:09 > 0:12:10with such lack of perspective.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12I think it's because men use football
0:12:12 > 0:12:14to express emotions they can't express
0:12:14 > 0:12:16in other parts of their life.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19They are so repressed, they can't show their anger and their pain at the right time,
0:12:19 > 0:12:22they hold it all in, they pour it all into football.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25So when they're chanting vile stuff at the ref, at the players,
0:12:25 > 0:12:26at the other fans,
0:12:26 > 0:12:29what they really want to be chanting about is what's in here.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31They really want to be chanting stuff like,
0:12:31 > 0:12:34"I can't express my feelings!
0:12:34 > 0:12:36"I can't express my feelings! I have clinical depression!
0:12:36 > 0:12:39"I need a therapy session! La la la-la."
0:12:42 > 0:12:44APPLAUSE
0:12:45 > 0:12:48"I feel like crying, feel like crying,
0:12:48 > 0:12:51"feel like crying all the time! Ooh-ah, I'm bi-polar."
0:12:51 > 0:12:54That's what I think they really want to be chanting.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act of the evening?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02CHEERING
0:13:04 > 0:13:06This guy is absolutely fantastic.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07He's a very good friend of mine,
0:13:07 > 0:13:10please give him a very warm Apollo welcome.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Ladies and gentlemen, it's Justin Moorhouse.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15CHEERING
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Hello.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Wow! Look at this! This is exciting, you all right?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27CROWD: Yeah!
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Good. I'm not from round here.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34We got anyone in from the north of England?
0:13:34 > 0:13:35CHEERING
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Yeah, it's shit, innit? That's why you live here now.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41We don't want you back, shut up.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Um, I like coming to London.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45My favourite thing about London
0:13:45 > 0:13:47is coming on a Friday, about five o'clock,
0:13:47 > 0:13:52and watching Northern families arrive, en masse, on the Tube.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Just walking around going, "Why's it so busy, Mum?"
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- "Why's it so busy?"- "Shut up and stand on both sides of the escalator,
0:14:00 > 0:14:01"let's have a laugh."
0:14:03 > 0:14:07"Let's watch these people lose their shit"
0:14:08 > 0:14:11"Get on the other side!"
0:14:11 > 0:14:13"Why are they shouting at me?"
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- "They're very angry."- "Why?"
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- "They've been at work all week." - "What's work?"
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Nice to be here, that's what comedians always say,
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Hal said it a loads - it's nice to be here.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32They don't really mean it - they're here for the money!
0:14:32 > 0:14:35I mean it, though, it's nice to be here.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38I've got kids. It's amazing to be 200 miles from the little shits.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Don't get me wrong, some of you are staring at me now judging me,
0:14:43 > 0:14:45you probably haven't got kids.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47If you've got kids, you know what I mean.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50We love them because that shit's natural... Don't like 'em.
0:14:51 > 0:14:56Joyless mood-hoovers. Life-robbers. Ambition-stealers.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Time-takers. Non-productive little shits
0:14:59 > 0:15:01we allow to live in our houses.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Nothing comes back.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05If we were a limited company and not a family,
0:15:05 > 0:15:07I'd have written them off years ago.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11I've got two.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13I've got a 17-year-old, he-he-he,
0:15:13 > 0:15:16one of them that you see when you drive around, going,
0:15:16 > 0:15:18"I'm glad he's not mine." He's mine!
0:15:19 > 0:15:24This thing that lives in my house is essentially a yawn in a hood.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25That's all he is.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Breathing his way, "I'm tired."
0:15:32 > 0:15:35How can you be tired? Your schedule is thus -
0:15:35 > 0:15:39arise at 11, have a wank, play FIFA - that's all he does!
0:15:43 > 0:15:47I'm not having a go, I'm just saying he's robbed me of my ambition!
0:15:47 > 0:15:50That's where I saw my life going.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52"I'm tired!"
0:15:52 > 0:15:55It's like living with an asthmatic Sith Lord.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Obi-Wan can't be arsed. Just go with it.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07It's nice to be here.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09I spent a lot of time, I travel,
0:16:09 > 0:16:11you do when you're a comedian and you've got kids,
0:16:11 > 0:16:12it's lovely to get away.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Do we have any Australians in?
0:16:14 > 0:16:17CHEERING
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Why?
0:16:19 > 0:16:23At what point does anybody wake up in Australia, stretch,
0:16:23 > 0:16:25look across Bondi Beach and go,
0:16:25 > 0:16:27"Hammersmith, that's where I want to be."
0:16:34 > 0:16:39You can forget your coral beach, I want a flyover.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40I spent some time in Australia,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43if you've been you'll know it's a nice place,
0:16:43 > 0:16:46if you like, you know, misogyny, racism and blind optimism -
0:16:46 > 0:16:48it's that kind of town.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52My favourite thing when I was in Australia...
0:16:52 > 0:16:55This is brilliant, this will blow your mind.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Does anybody here know what the collective noun in Australia is
0:16:58 > 0:17:01for sheets, pillowcases, bedding?
0:17:01 > 0:17:02Anyone know what they call it?
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Manchester. That's right. Manchester.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07I didn't know, I'm from Manchester and I didn't know.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11Basically what happened was about 150 years ago we, in Manchester,
0:17:11 > 0:17:13invented cotton, and erm...
0:17:16 > 0:17:17..sent it round the world.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20It's easier than explaining slavery, that bit.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22We, um...
0:17:22 > 0:17:26We sent it round the world, it arrived in Australia, Sydney,
0:17:26 > 0:17:27in a big box with "Manchester" on,
0:17:27 > 0:17:29and the Australians would go, "What's that?"
0:17:29 > 0:17:32And they would go, "It's Manchester."
0:17:32 > 0:17:34They have Manchester shops!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36What goes on in there?!
0:17:36 > 0:17:40Some bloke like Bez going, "D'ya want some Vimto?"
0:17:42 > 0:17:46They sell sheets and pillowcases and bedding - it's amazing.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50They have Manchester departments in their department stores.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53That's how I discovered it. I was just browsing in one one day
0:17:53 > 0:17:56and overheard an announcement on the Tannoy that went,
0:17:56 > 0:17:59"Would somebody from Manchester...
0:18:01 > 0:18:04"..please report to customer services?"
0:18:11 > 0:18:13I was like, "Oh, my gosh."
0:18:16 > 0:18:18"How fortuitous."
0:18:20 > 0:18:23"I am literally on the other side of the world."
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Then I thought, naturally, "I wonder what they want?"
0:18:33 > 0:18:34Maybe I'm going to go over
0:18:34 > 0:18:37and they're going to say, "Settle an argument...
0:18:37 > 0:18:41"What's the best junction off the 56 for the airport?"
0:18:44 > 0:18:46So I was just considering this,
0:18:46 > 0:18:50and a further, more urgent announcement came on the Tannoy -
0:18:50 > 0:18:54"Would somebody from Manchester PLEASE report to customer services."
0:18:54 > 0:18:56I went running over.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58I'm northern, I'm friendly, I want to help.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01I got there, I went, "Ta-da!"
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Because that's how people in show business arrive. Ta-da!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07And the woman went, "Ta-da!"
0:19:07 > 0:19:09And I went, "Here I am..."
0:19:09 > 0:19:11HE CHUCKLES
0:19:11 > 0:19:15And she says, "There you are..."
0:19:15 > 0:19:19And I went "I know, can you believe it, eh?"
0:19:24 > 0:19:26There was an awkward moment where she looked at me
0:19:26 > 0:19:29like I was a wrong 'un,
0:19:29 > 0:19:32and eventually she says, "Um, how can I help you?"
0:19:32 > 0:19:35I went, "No!
0:19:35 > 0:19:37- "How can- I- help you?!"
0:19:38 > 0:19:43And she said, "What do you mean?" And I said, "I'm from Manchester!"
0:19:43 > 0:19:45And she said, "No, you're not."
0:19:45 > 0:19:47And I said, "Well, technically Stockport,
0:19:47 > 0:19:49"but let's not split hairs, love."
0:19:49 > 0:19:53APPLAUSE
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Friends, you've been amazing. Take care. Good night.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- Thank you very much. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Justin Moorhouse, ladies and gentlemen!
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your next act?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17CHEERING
0:20:17 > 0:20:20He is absolutely fantastic. He is the man I want to be.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Ladies and gentlemen, give a big round of applause for Mr Tom Stade!
0:20:24 > 0:20:26APPLAUSE
0:20:42 > 0:20:43All right...
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Well, good evening, Apollo!
0:20:46 > 0:20:48WHOOPING
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Now, do me one favour, OK?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52I'm going to ask you something. Give me a cheer.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56How many... How many old people do we have?
0:20:56 > 0:21:00By applause, old people!
0:21:00 > 0:21:03SOME CHEERING Love old people.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Now watch this.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09How many 20-somethings do we have by applause?
0:21:09 > 0:21:11ROARING APPLAUSE
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Love 20-year-olds...
0:21:18 > 0:21:21to the point it's creepy.
0:21:24 > 0:21:29When you're 20, it's awesome, man.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31When you're 20,
0:21:31 > 0:21:35you only have a few responsibilities to society.
0:21:35 > 0:21:41OK. One, you have to get hammered
0:21:41 > 0:21:46every goddamn given day
0:21:46 > 0:21:50because your body can take it.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57You pound back as much alcohol as you can,
0:21:57 > 0:22:01put as much irresponsibility in each glass
0:22:01 > 0:22:03and you pound that back.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07And you go on a vacation that night you'll never remember.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Because there will be a day
0:22:12 > 0:22:19you will be inflicted with this horrible disease
0:22:19 > 0:22:22called responsibility.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25And it just hits you,
0:22:25 > 0:22:27you don't know when it's going to strike.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29You'll be sitting there dancing,
0:22:29 > 0:22:33"All right, all right. Oh, my God, I've got to go mow the lawn."
0:22:33 > 0:22:35LAUGHTER
0:22:38 > 0:22:43Number two - probably the most important -
0:22:43 > 0:22:48you have to try and stop old people
0:22:48 > 0:22:52from fornicating with you.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54LAUGHTER
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Because we're out there.
0:23:00 > 0:23:06Because old people do not like fornicating with other old people.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09It's disgusting.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14It's all, "Ew, it's old and it's on top of me."
0:23:15 > 0:23:18"It's trying to get inside me."
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Oh, and we are out there.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27You'll find us lurking behind trees...
0:23:29 > 0:23:32..with sticks with food on 'em.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Oh... Oh, this one likes fried chicken.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Look at her, she dances like she doesn't have a mortgage.
0:23:48 > 0:23:53I don't drink in the same places I did 10, 20 years ago any more.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57I find where I drink now
0:23:57 > 0:24:01usually has a food menu -
0:24:01 > 0:24:05on a chalkboard, £5.95 two-course meal.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11And they close down at old-man hours,
0:24:11 > 0:24:13around 11, 11:30.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Ding-ding-ding! Go home, old people!
0:24:18 > 0:24:20And we all pile in the middle.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23But here's the problem.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Cos I'm finding as I go along in life,
0:24:26 > 0:24:29my mind and my body connection,
0:24:29 > 0:24:31it ain't so balanced any more.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35My mind doesn't know I'm 44.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38My mind thinks it's 1988 right now.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44And one night in my food drinking establishment,
0:24:44 > 0:24:49I decided to have 13 double-vodka Diet Coke after-dinner drinks.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54And my body just left me.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Just took off, didn't even know it left.
0:24:59 > 0:25:04"See you later, Tom. I'm going to leave you in this chair." Urgh!
0:25:10 > 0:25:13And my mind saw
0:25:13 > 0:25:17that no-one was driving the Tom Machine.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21And it stepped into that driver's seat and was like,
0:25:21 > 0:25:26"Hey, Tom, why don't you get down to that nightclub..."
0:25:29 > 0:25:32"..and you show them how to dance."
0:25:34 > 0:25:37And I'm like, "That's a good idea, Mind.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39"I hope they're playing Footloose."
0:25:42 > 0:25:44And I got to the front of that line
0:25:44 > 0:25:48and I realised what a horrible mistake I had made,
0:25:48 > 0:25:52because the doorman clocked me from a mile away
0:25:52 > 0:25:55and I'll never forget what he said.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59He said, "Uh-oh, someone's in trouble.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01"Their dad is here."
0:26:01 > 0:26:04LAUGHTER
0:26:09 > 0:26:12And I was in that nightclub
0:26:12 > 0:26:15for about one hour
0:26:15 > 0:26:20before my body realised what my mind had done
0:26:20 > 0:26:24and said, "We've go to get out of here now!"
0:26:24 > 0:26:27I'll tell you when that was.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31It was when I had seven apple shots...
0:26:33 > 0:26:36..in a test tube,
0:26:36 > 0:26:40cos apparently when you drink now you want to feel like a scientist.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48Seven apple shots. I didn't know they tasted...
0:26:48 > 0:26:51I come from a place where shots tasted bad.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Do you want to know why they tasted bad?
0:26:53 > 0:26:57So you would not have seven of them in a row.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Nobody took a shot of Tequila and said,
0:27:01 > 0:27:04"This is delicious! Line six more up."
0:27:09 > 0:27:12And do you want to know what happens
0:27:12 > 0:27:15when you put inside this body
0:27:15 > 0:27:17seven apple shots
0:27:17 > 0:27:21and you mix that up with 13 double-vodka Diet Cokes...
0:27:23 > 0:27:26..with some breaded fish and a nice side salad?
0:27:32 > 0:27:38My body likes to turn that into deadly corrosive acid...
0:27:40 > 0:27:44..and shoot it straight into the middle of my heart
0:27:44 > 0:27:47to try and murder me!
0:27:50 > 0:27:56And would you like to know what young, gorgeous people in a nightclub
0:27:56 > 0:27:57do not carry on them?
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Rennies.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Thank you, Apollo!
0:28:11 > 0:28:13See you next time! Cheers, you guys.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Tom Stade, ladies and gentlemen!
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for watching Live At The Apollo.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29You have seen Justin Moorhouse, you've seen Tom Stade,
0:28:29 > 0:28:32and I've been your host, Hal Cruttenden.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Take care, good night. Thank you very much. Thank you.
0:28:34 > 0:28:38APPLAUSE AND CHEERING