0:00:18 > 0:00:22'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
0:00:22 > 0:00:24'your host for tonight, Danny Bhoy!'
0:00:25 > 0:00:29AUDIENCE CHEER
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Hello, welcome to Live At The Apollo.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46This is a big room for comedy.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48The room is very important in comedy.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51I did a show about six months ago in a tent,
0:00:51 > 0:00:55not like a tent with the zip and the...
0:00:55 > 0:00:56LAUGHTER
0:00:56 > 0:00:58That would be a bit weird.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00"Hi, just the two of ya. Aye, come in.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04"Sit down. Turn off your phones. Right, here we go."
0:01:04 > 0:01:07No, I mean like a marquee, that was it.
0:01:07 > 0:01:12And the audience was 360 degrees around me.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Which is quite, ya know, difficult
0:01:14 > 0:01:18because you feel quite paranoid. Well, not paranoid.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21That would be a bad personality trait for a comedian, wouldn't it?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23"What are you laughing at?!"
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Awkward is the word I was looking for.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33So I did the whole thing. I did the whole show.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36And the next morning, I checked the newspapers for reviews.
0:01:36 > 0:01:41And I found a review that opened...opened with the line,
0:01:41 > 0:01:46"Danny Bhoy moved around the stage like a kebab on a spit."
0:01:46 > 0:01:50LAUGHTER
0:01:51 > 0:01:53That's a bit racist, isn't it?
0:01:55 > 0:02:01My favourite food is canapes. I love canapes.
0:02:01 > 0:02:06Canape is the French word for...hors d'oeuvres.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09LAUGHTER
0:02:09 > 0:02:11I love canapes.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15But the problem with canapes is you only get them at parties, right?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17And they're almost counter-productive
0:02:17 > 0:02:18to the party atmosphere,
0:02:18 > 0:02:20cos the whole idea of a party is
0:02:20 > 0:02:23you're supposed to be mingling and meeting people,
0:02:23 > 0:02:27but you can't concentrate if there are canapes in the room.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29LAUGHTER
0:02:29 > 0:02:34Those silver trays of treats being taken around. Oh, I... Oh!
0:02:38 > 0:02:41I mean, you're in a conversation because you have to be.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44"Oh, yes, that's interesting. Oh, he's five now, is he?
0:02:44 > 0:02:45"That's fascinating(!)
0:02:45 > 0:02:47LAUGHTER
0:02:49 > 0:02:51"Oh, they're new. They're new.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52"Eh? Sorry?"
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Because you've always got to keep one eye on the canapes, haven't you?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Because you don't want to miss your turn.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03That's a horrible feeling, when you're talking to some
0:03:03 > 0:03:05prick about schools...
0:03:05 > 0:03:09"Yeah, yeah, public or private? That's the thing, isn't it?
0:03:09 > 0:03:10"Oh, for fuck's... Shut up!
0:03:13 > 0:03:16"That's the mini beef Wellington! We've just...
0:03:16 > 0:03:21"Just...cos you... Bloody shut up when the canapes arrive, you prick!
0:03:21 > 0:03:25"They're the best ones, the mini beef Wellington.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27"Just shut up when the canapes arrive.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31"It's the only reason we're here. I don't give a shit which school
0:03:31 > 0:03:37"your kid goes to. The mini beef Wellington's gone."
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Because you can't chase a canape.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Can't do that undignified walk. You know, the...
0:03:48 > 0:03:51"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, he was talking. So I missed...
0:03:51 > 0:03:54"Can I just get the...? Can I...can I just get the...?"
0:04:00 > 0:04:03The other thing with canapes is, and you know this,
0:04:03 > 0:04:07you've always got to act surprised when they come.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10LAUGHTER
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Don't you?
0:04:11 > 0:04:14You have to do, "Oh! I didn't... Oh!"
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Because that's the rules, you can't wait for canapes.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23You can't just stand at a party like that, you can't.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29"Yeah, good, good. On you go."
0:04:29 > 0:04:31You've got to pretend to be in a conversation and,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34"Yes, that's very interesting. Oh, she's 11 now? Well, that is...
0:04:34 > 0:04:38"Oh! I didn't know. I didn't know there would be food,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40"did you know there was going to be food?
0:04:40 > 0:04:43"I had no idea, there's food. Look at that. That's great, isn't it?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45"Food. Oh. What a lovely surprise.'
0:04:45 > 0:04:47You're not surprised,
0:04:47 > 0:04:50you've been tracking the bloody thing for 20 minutes.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54You know every stop it's made, you know how many have been taken,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Making the mental calculations in your head.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02"OK, we should be all right with the sausage rolls.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03"They've just come out.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05"I'm not sure about the vol-au-vents and the quiche.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08"This guy's been really greedy. This guy. Stop him. Honestly.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11"He better not eat too many of those quiche...
0:05:11 > 0:05:15"We've obviously missed the mini beef Wellingtons cos you and your...
0:05:15 > 0:05:17"We're all right with the ham and the cheese.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19"Here we come now. So, anyway... Schoo...
0:05:19 > 0:05:25"Oooh! I didn't know there was going to be food!"
0:05:25 > 0:05:28LAUGHTER
0:05:33 > 0:05:36A lot of things have changed in the last 20 years.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Some of the older people in the room will be able to identify with
0:05:39 > 0:05:40what I'm about to tell you.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44Getting your hair cut nowadays, very different to when I was a kid.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47When I was a kid, well, I grew up in a small Scottish village,
0:05:47 > 0:05:49there was only one hairdresser.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53You'd go in on a Saturday morning and get your hair cut by a woman
0:05:53 > 0:05:54with no formal training...
0:05:56 > 0:05:58..just a pair of scissors and a dream.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06And she would hack away at your head for an hour
0:06:06 > 0:06:09and then give you some plasters and a lollipop.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12And that was the way things were.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14It's all changed now.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17I went to a salon a couple of weeks ago and said,
0:06:17 > 0:06:18"Can I get my hair cut?"
0:06:18 > 0:06:20And she said, "Well, we can fit you in right now."
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Well, I said, "That's fantastic."
0:06:22 > 0:06:25She said, "Yeah, I just need you to fill out this form."
0:06:26 > 0:06:29"Why? Why am I filling out a form?"
0:06:29 > 0:06:32She said, "I need to book the appointment."
0:06:32 > 0:06:34"Ah, but we booked it. I'm here! I turned up."
0:06:34 > 0:06:38She said, "No, but I still need to create a profile."
0:06:38 > 0:06:40"But you don't. That's the great thing about it,
0:06:40 > 0:06:43"you don't need to know anything about me, you don't need to know my
0:06:43 > 0:06:47"name, my address, has there been a history of hair in my family.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49"You don't need to know.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51"All you need to know is that this is too long.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54"Snippy-snippy, cut-cut, this bit here.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57"Snippy-snippy, cut-cut."
0:06:59 > 0:07:03She said, "No, I still need you to fill out the form."
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I said, "Give me the form."
0:07:05 > 0:07:06Ten questions!
0:07:06 > 0:07:10If you were to ask me to devise a questionnaire for someone about to
0:07:10 > 0:07:13get their hair cut, I would struggle after two questions.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Number one - Do you have hair?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Number two - Do you need it cut?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Snippy-snippy, cut-cut.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Ten questions.
0:07:25 > 0:07:30Question number one - How did you hear about our salon?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Everyone wants to know how you heard about them nowadays.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37It's not enough that you're there, they want to know your source.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40The worst one is East Coast Trains.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41MAN LAUGHS
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Yeah, on their online booking form, it always makes me laugh.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46"How did you hear about our train service?"
0:07:46 > 0:07:49"What do you mean, how did I hear about...?
0:07:49 > 0:07:50"The Industrial Revolution!"
0:07:54 > 0:07:57I seem to vaguely remember there's a train that goes from Edinburgh to
0:07:57 > 0:07:59London, has that changed?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Do you think this is a revelation to me?
0:08:05 > 0:08:10Do you think I'm flicking through a newspaper? Just idly looking.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Oh! What the Dickens is this?
0:08:17 > 0:08:18A train?!
0:08:20 > 0:08:23That goes from Edinburgh to London?!
0:08:23 > 0:08:26What witchcraft do you speak of?!
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Prepare my horse!
0:08:29 > 0:08:32To Waverly we must go, to debunk this myth!
0:08:35 > 0:08:39"How did you hear about our trains?" And it's options!
0:08:39 > 0:08:44These are your options of how you heard about us - the internet...
0:08:45 > 0:08:49..a friend. Who's ticking that box?
0:08:50 > 0:08:57A friend! Did a friend tell you about the train? Was it a friend?
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Was it a friend? Was it? Was it one of your friends? Was it?
0:09:01 > 0:09:06Is it a friend who told you about the choo-choo? The train?
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Who's ticking that? I don't even know how that conversation would go!
0:09:14 > 0:09:16You're at a party, you know...
0:09:19 > 0:09:22"Danny, come here.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28"Just come here.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31"Walk with me, Danny.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40"Danny, we've been friends a while now.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45"There's not a lot I don't tell you.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48"Obviously, some things I've been holding back.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53"It seems now's the right time, a good a time as any,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56"and I know I should've told you this earlier but, um..
0:09:59 > 0:10:01"Danny, there's a train."
0:10:05 > 0:10:06"A what?!"
0:10:06 > 0:10:10""You heard. A metal horse, if you will.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13"I know I should've told you earlier, I simply know it..
0:10:13 > 0:10:15"Oh! I didn't know there was going to be food!
0:10:15 > 0:10:17"Did you know there was going to be food?"
0:10:17 > 0:10:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:25 > 0:10:26I don't know.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29I just don't like any of that,
0:10:29 > 0:10:34any of that trying to gather information from you all the time.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37E-mail is the worst! I bought pants the other day, pants!
0:10:37 > 0:10:40I got to the check-out and she said, "Is it just the pants?"
0:10:40 > 0:10:44And I said, "Yeah." She said, "What's your e-mail?"
0:10:44 > 0:10:46I said, "No, just the pants."
0:10:47 > 0:10:49"Yeah, what's your e-mail?"
0:10:49 > 0:10:51I said, "I'm buying pants!
0:10:51 > 0:10:54"What part of this transaction suggests to you that I think
0:10:54 > 0:10:56"we should stay in touch?!"
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Otherwise, I would've asked in the shop, wouldn't I?!
0:11:00 > 0:11:03"Excuse me, sir, these pants, do they come with any kind of ongoing
0:11:03 > 0:11:07"internet support, maybe some sort of lasting e-mail friendship?"
0:11:10 > 0:11:11I don't like all that.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13When you get to the check-out that's it,
0:11:13 > 0:11:15that should be the end of it.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17It's just like I bought a toaster the other day. £14.99.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19And I splashed out.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22When I got there she said,
0:11:22 > 0:11:25"Do you want to take out an extended warranty on this?"
0:11:25 > 0:11:28"Why?" She said, "Well, it's only covered for a year.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29"And then you're on your own."
0:11:31 > 0:11:34"Oh, I'll take my chances, thanks very much."
0:11:34 > 0:11:36I live life on the edge.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39And then she said, "Well, it just gives you that extra piece of mind."
0:11:39 > 0:11:40LAUGHTER
0:11:40 > 0:11:45I think you have a very misconstrued idea of what I worry about.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Do you think I'm waking up, a year from now,
0:11:47 > 0:11:49in the middle of the night, sweating...
0:11:49 > 0:11:52"That toaster could go at any moment!
0:11:52 > 0:11:54"You can't live your life like this, Danny.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57"You're a fool to yourself. Take out the warranty, man!"
0:11:57 > 0:12:00AUDIENCE CHEER
0:12:00 > 0:12:02"And that blender's only got another week."
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Anyway, look, let's just get back to the...
0:12:09 > 0:12:11I'm in the hairdresser, right?
0:12:13 > 0:12:21Final question - What do you want to achieve with your hair today?
0:12:26 > 0:12:29It's a tough, tough question that.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30So many things!
0:12:32 > 0:12:35But after much thought, I thought,
0:12:35 > 0:12:37"You've got to be responsible, Danny."
0:12:37 > 0:12:41So I wrote, "An end to the escalating tension
0:12:41 > 0:12:43"and violence in the Middle-East."
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Snippy-snippy, cut-cut.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Thanks, you have an exceptional show ahead of you, Apollo.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03This is really a brilliant bill, are you ready for your first act?
0:13:03 > 0:13:04AUDIENCE CHEER
0:13:04 > 0:13:07He's one of my personal favourites, I know you're
0:13:07 > 0:13:11going to love him, go absolutely wild and crazy for Mr Miles Jupp!
0:13:11 > 0:13:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Hello!
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Oh, Hammersmith, how very delightful.
0:13:26 > 0:13:31Um, you probably all recognise me as the waiter who had all of his lines
0:13:31 > 0:13:35cut from the first Sherlock Holmes film.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37And then didn't find out until the premiere.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Nonetheless, it was a portrayal that has since revolutionised the way
0:13:43 > 0:13:45everyone acts in period detective fiction
0:13:45 > 0:13:47when they've got nothing to say.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52Now, um, I've arrived here tonight, as I suspect you have,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55as I arrive everywhere I arrive in London - furious.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02I mean, you can all see how angry I am. A very angry man.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Whenever I'm trying to get anywhere in London, I get angry.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Whenever I get a bus that's late or a Tube that seems to stop
0:14:07 > 0:14:10without any explanation, or just a traffic jam,
0:14:10 > 0:14:13I always get angry. And I always just blame the same person.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17I don't even know if it's fair, but I always blame Boris.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Anything that goes wrong when I'm out and about in London,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22I blame Boris.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25I blame him for road works, even if you hear somebody's under a train,
0:14:25 > 0:14:29I just assume Boris was cycling carelessly past a Tube station.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33Hit somebody over the barriers, down the escalators, onto the track.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34I will...
0:14:34 > 0:14:36LAUGHTER
0:14:36 > 0:14:40I will happily blame that man for anything. I mean, I just...
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Honestly, I just don't understand what he does.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45What does Boris actually do?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47He always looks absolutely shattered.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Always looks as if he's just come round from a general anaesthetic.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Do you ever find yourself looking at a picture of Boris and thinking,
0:14:59 > 0:15:02something's not quite right, something's missing.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03What's wrong about this picture?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Oh, yeah. I'll tell you what it is.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07It's the fact that he's not wearing pyjamas.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09LAUGHTER
0:15:11 > 0:15:16And let me just say this to you, Hammersmith, I have four children.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Four children. The oldest of whom is four.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24By all means do the maths, I've done it myself, on...
0:15:26 > 0:15:29..four occasions. I have four children.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32I didn't say four so you could congratulate me
0:15:32 > 0:15:34or commiserate with me.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35I don't say it because I've gone mad
0:15:35 > 0:15:39and have forgotten what all the other numbers are.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41How many sugars do you want with your tea? Four.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43How many legs should a pair of trousers have? Four!
0:15:43 > 0:15:45How are you? Four!
0:15:45 > 0:15:49I say it merely, merely so you can understand just where
0:15:49 > 0:15:52it is that I'm coming from when I stagger out here,
0:15:52 > 0:15:54onto this stage tonight.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58I'm not really in the position to do groovy, young, material about me
0:15:58 > 0:16:02and my Canadian flatmate snorting cocaine
0:16:02 > 0:16:04together off of the back of a shared prostitute.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09I do not live in a flat.
0:16:09 > 0:16:14And...nor do I consort with Canadians.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17LAUGHTER
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I've got absolutely nothing against them in principle,
0:16:19 > 0:16:22they have as much right to be here as anybody,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25and, err, whatever it is they do, they seem to do it quietly.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31I'm cut off. I really am cut off.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35I mean, the lives...the lives that other people lead.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Look at yourselves for instance, you're having an evening out.
0:16:38 > 0:16:43Admittedly, it's in Hammersmith, but nonetheless, it's an evening out.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47That is absolutely unthinkable to my wife and I.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51You know the way in magazines they Photoshop people so they look perfect
0:16:51 > 0:16:52and you end up feeling envious
0:16:52 > 0:16:56of what is a completely unrealistic ideal.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58That is how I feel about pretty much anything
0:16:58 > 0:17:01I see or hear about other people's lives.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04"You did what? You nipped out for milk?!
0:17:06 > 0:17:08"What, on your own?!
0:17:08 > 0:17:09"Aren't you Bear Grylls!"
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Just listening to what my childless, unmarried friends get up to
0:17:15 > 0:17:17makes me feel like an Iranian housewife
0:17:17 > 0:17:20reading the biography of Paris Hilton.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26If just one of the people that lives in your house is a baby,
0:17:26 > 0:17:31you instantly just lose all sense immediately of what is and is not
0:17:31 > 0:17:32appropriate behaviour.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35I remember when my oldest child was only three days old,
0:17:35 > 0:17:38bumping into my bleary-eyed wife on the landing and she said,
0:17:38 > 0:17:41"I've just had a bowl on cornflakes on the lavatory."
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Just from nowhere.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Within a matter of days we'd been reduced to the state of,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50if not animals, then undergraduates.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54It doesn't matter how you've lived your life up
0:17:54 > 0:17:57until that point, how tidy you've tried to be, how sophisticated.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01Suddenly, you've got one of those in the house, that's it! It's all gone!
0:18:01 > 0:18:05The place, it's just suddenly awash with mystery fluid.
0:18:07 > 0:18:12So much faecal matter suddenly dotted and strewn about where you live.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16I mean, you become completely numb to the stuff,
0:18:16 > 0:18:18just horrifyingly blase.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21You can stand there looking at something that's been done on your
0:18:21 > 0:18:26own bed and think, "Well we don't need to change the sheets for that!
0:18:26 > 0:18:28LAUGHTER
0:18:28 > 0:18:30"It's only a small turd, isn't it?
0:18:32 > 0:18:35"It's hardly worth wasting a flush, is it?
0:18:37 > 0:18:42"Pop it in the wastepaper basket, stick a crisp packet over it."
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Anybody whose friends have had children,
0:18:47 > 0:18:48they look at them sometimes and go,
0:18:48 > 0:18:51"God, they've really changed, haven't they?
0:18:51 > 0:18:52"They've really mellowed."
0:18:52 > 0:18:55They haven't mellowed, they are broken!
0:18:56 > 0:18:59"Oh he's really calmed down, hasn't he? He used to be so ambitious.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01"He's much calmer now."
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Of course he's not ambitious anymore,
0:19:03 > 0:19:06there's simply no point in being ambitious anymore.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08What is the point of dreaming about Hollywood
0:19:08 > 0:19:12if you can't even bloody finish your muesli before lunch time?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15It is not possible to finish your muesli before lunch time now
0:19:15 > 0:19:20because the entire morning just consists of being interrupted.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23When you have that many young children charging about the place
0:19:23 > 0:19:25you get interrupted so often
0:19:25 > 0:19:28that eventually the interruptions themselves start getting interrupted.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Desperately trying to clean all the milk off the floor after breakfast,
0:19:33 > 0:19:36so all the food that hits it at lunch time doesn't splash.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Then someone opens up the freezer, gets a bag of peas out
0:19:39 > 0:19:41and starts spilling them all over the floor.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43And you're desperately trying to sweep them up.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Then someone ominously shouts, "I'm painting," from the hallway.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Run out there and find they've got hold of a loo brush
0:19:51 > 0:19:53and are just rubbing it against the wall.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56"It is a quarter to six in the morning!"
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Well, ladies and gentlemen,
0:20:02 > 0:20:04haven't I got myself worked up into yet another state.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06LAUGHTER
0:20:06 > 0:20:07I do wonder, in retrospect,
0:20:07 > 0:20:11if I haven't underplayed the work that our nanny does. Um...
0:20:11 > 0:20:13LAUGHTER
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Well hey-ho!
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Hammersmith, aren't you lovely? God bless, good night.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Miles Jupp, everyone!
0:20:27 > 0:20:31CHEERING
0:20:31 > 0:20:34OK, ladies and gentleman, and are ready for your final act?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36CHEERING
0:20:36 > 0:20:38He's actually brilliant.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Please welcome, the one and only, Mr Lee Nelson.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Good Evening, Apollo.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54CHEERING
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Yes!
0:20:56 > 0:21:00Ah, people, I've had such a nice day today.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03It was my little boy's sixth birthday.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Yeah!
0:21:05 > 0:21:09We don't have a lot of money, so we, uh, didn't tell him.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11LAUGHTER
0:21:11 > 0:21:14It is hard being a parent, people.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Mums! Especially mums, my poor missus!
0:21:17 > 0:21:20She's always looking in the mirror, "Oh, my gosh!
0:21:20 > 0:21:24"My body ain't what like it was before the kids come along."
0:21:24 > 0:21:27I say, "Babes, you're being so silly!
0:21:27 > 0:21:30"You weren't all that before!"
0:21:34 > 0:21:37As a dad, it changes the way you look at everything
0:21:37 > 0:21:39to be honest with you, you know?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41I mean, I started, like, thinking,
0:21:41 > 0:21:45there's too much fighting going on in the world, you know.
0:21:45 > 0:21:50Do you realise this country has been at war with Iraq, with Afghanistan,
0:21:50 > 0:21:54even Argentina? Argentina, man! We're fighting them
0:21:54 > 0:21:57over this crappy bit of land no-one really cares about.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Let's just give 'em back Scotland!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Have we got Scotty Land legends in the house?
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Scotty Land legends. Give us a cheer.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07CHEERING
0:22:07 > 0:22:09I was well surprised by that referendum result.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12I have never known Scottish women to say no.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Is you really a separate county?
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Not really, innit.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25All right, you have got your own currency, the err, the 'poond.'
0:22:28 > 0:22:31All right, to be fair, there is some cultural differences, innit?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34It is... All right, the weather.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37It is a lot hotter in England than it is in Scotty Land.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Yeah, that's true!
0:22:39 > 0:22:41A lot of Scottish people come down to England from Glasgow
0:22:41 > 0:22:43or whatever and think they're going to fit in.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45And actually they find it too hot here.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Yeah! I know! And then they end up sleeping outside!
0:22:48 > 0:22:50LAUGHTER
0:22:55 > 0:22:57I thinks Scottish people are just a little bit angry.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00That is what was going on with the Scottish people.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03They were angry because Scottish people used to be the top
0:23:03 > 0:23:07foreign people in England, and then the Polish people came along.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13And the Polish people work harder, they drink more
0:23:13 > 0:23:15and they speak better English!
0:23:23 > 0:23:25It's just north-south banter, innit?
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Have we got people from the North of England tonight?
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Give us a cheer.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30CHEERING Loads!
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Where are you from, sweetie pie?
0:23:32 > 0:23:33- Manchester.- Manchester.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36We talk so different. I love that, innit!
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Down south, how do we talk, innit, what do we say?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41'Baath,' innit? 'Baath.'
0:23:41 > 0:23:45That's how we talk! 'Baath.' I'm going to wash myself, in the 'baath.'
0:23:45 > 0:23:49In Manchester, they say, "Sod it, let's just go for a drink!"
0:23:49 > 0:23:52LAUGHTER
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Have we got Scousers in the house tonight? Scousers?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56CHEERING Loads of Scousers!
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Now, Liverpool properly does have a different language.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03Scouser people, tell everyone what boss means in Liverpool.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Where's a Scouser? What's that, please?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08- All right.- It's good, innit?- Yes.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Yeah, that's amazing. In Liverpool, boss means good!
0:24:12 > 0:24:15The rest of the country, boss means the fella at work,
0:24:15 > 0:24:18but in Liverpool they just don't have no use for that normal meaning!
0:24:18 > 0:24:20LAUGHTER
0:24:24 > 0:24:28Man... I like...I like what's going on in this country.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31I'm proud of this country. We've got the royal family, innit!
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Yeah, we've got another royal baby coming!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35I really hope this one's black.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37LAUGHTER
0:24:40 > 0:24:44I like the mix of the different people that we get in the UK.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46I don't agree with UKIP.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50UKIP say we've got too many foreigners in this country.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53I done a bit of research of my own, and the fact is,
0:24:53 > 0:24:57there's actually a lot more foreigners in other countries.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05I agree with UKIP on the euro, I don't think we should get the euro.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07I think that'd be bad for business.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09I mean, Poundland's buggered.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16I think we've got it pretty good in the UK, is what I think.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19But people still love to complain, innit.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20"Are you all right?" "Naaah."
0:25:20 > 0:25:24"What's wrong?" "My phone battery died."
0:25:24 > 0:25:25"Are you all right?"
0:25:25 > 0:25:28"Naaah, I'm well stressed about what I'm going to wear."
0:25:28 > 0:25:29"Are you all right?"
0:25:29 > 0:25:31"Naah, I've got like irritable bowels."
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Whaaat?!
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Do you think people complain about them sort
0:25:35 > 0:25:39of things in countries where they don't have anything that we does?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41I mean, can you imagine the Children in Need appeal?
0:25:41 > 0:25:44I mean, you've got scenes all across Africa,
0:25:44 > 0:25:47you've got the cheesy charity music in the background,
0:25:47 > 0:25:51you've got Dean Gaffney looking emotional down the camera,
0:25:52 > 0:25:54got an African child next to him.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01"Umbazee is just 12 years of age.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS
0:26:04 > 0:26:10"Umbazee is just another victim here in Africa. Umbazee needs your help.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12TEARFULLY: "Umbazee...
0:26:13 > 0:26:16"..is gluten intolerant!
0:26:16 > 0:26:17LAUGHTER
0:26:17 > 0:26:23"If he attempts to eat rice or bread or certain types of muesli,
0:26:23 > 0:26:27"he gets a slightly bloated feeling in his tummy!
0:26:27 > 0:26:29"Please give generously.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33"Two pounds will let Umbazee buy some gluten-free humus,
0:26:33 > 0:26:38"Five pounds will allow him to have the time he needs to regularly
0:26:38 > 0:26:41"tweet about his condition.
0:26:41 > 0:26:46"£20 will mean Umbazee can make the life-changing visit
0:26:46 > 0:26:48"he needs to Holland and Barrett."
0:26:51 > 0:26:53AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:26:58 > 0:27:01I've got to get going. I've got to get outta here.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02Yeah, I'm proper knackered, man.
0:27:02 > 0:27:07When you have a kid, kiss goodbye to sleep, that is for sure, people.
0:27:07 > 0:27:12Last night, about 4.00 in the morning, I'm spark out in my bed,
0:27:12 > 0:27:13I'm in there...
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Little boy comes into the room.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19"Daddy.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22"Daddy.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24"Daddy!"
0:27:24 > 0:27:26"Yeah?"
0:27:26 > 0:27:29"Can I come and sleep in your bed? I've wet my bed."
0:27:29 > 0:27:31"Yeah, course you can, in you come.
0:27:31 > 0:27:36"I warn you - I've had too much to drink and I've done the same myself."
0:27:36 > 0:27:38LAUGHTER
0:27:38 > 0:27:41People, I've been Lee Nelson, you've been a bunch of legends.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Thank you, and good night!
0:27:44 > 0:27:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Mr Lee Nelson!
0:27:52 > 0:27:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:56 > 0:27:57Ladies and gentlemen,
0:27:57 > 0:28:00please give it up for the two acts you saw this evening.
0:28:00 > 0:28:01You saw the wonderful Miles Jupp.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:05 > 0:28:09And the very brilliant Mr Lee Nelson.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:11 > 0:28:14You've been a fantastic audience. Thanks so much for coming out.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17I'll see you all again sometime. I've been Danny Bhoy. Good night!