0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language
0:00:08 > 0:00:10MUSIC: Are You Gonna Be My Girl by Jet
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:19 > 0:00:25please welcome your host for tonight, Nina Conti.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:32MUSIC: Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree by Brenda Lee
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Happy Christmas!
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Thank you.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Hey!
0:00:39 > 0:00:43I'll just get my tiny monkey out of this massive bag.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47- Come on out, Monkey. - Hello, happy Christmas, everybody.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Here we are. How long have I got?
0:00:49 > 0:00:51You can do it as long as you want,
0:00:51 > 0:00:53now I'm not wearing my vibrating watch.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Well, thank God for that.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58- Can I say hello to the audience? - Yes, of course you can say hello.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Hello. Hi. How are you all doing?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02CHEERING
0:01:02 > 0:01:05- What's your name? - Is it on your T-shirt?
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Is your name Charly?
0:01:06 > 0:01:09- Yeah.- Charly. Excellent. Nice to meet you.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12- Are you guys friends or lovers? - Please tell me lovers.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- Do you know each other? - Yeah, 22 years.
0:01:16 > 0:01:1722 years?
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Have you had Christmas together, ever?
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Yeah, we think so.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25- You've done a Christmas together? - What did you get each other?
0:01:25 > 0:01:28- Couldn't possibly say it on telly. - You couldn't possibly say it?
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Oh, God. It's pornographic. I knew this...
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Distasteful.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34So, listen, Charly.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37I'm looking for someone to play the role of Santa.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38OK.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Do you think you can do that?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42You're a bit slutty, but I think that's...
0:01:43 > 0:01:46I think that's why I'm drawn to you, Charly.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47So, Charly, what do you do?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Freelance in fashion.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53- You're a freelance in fashion. - Excellent. Yeah, that'll do for Santa.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54That'll work.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56So, Charly, could you join us on the stage?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Can we give Charly a round of applause? Thank you so much.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:02:00 > 0:02:04- There's some stairs there. - Yeah, there are some stairs.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05Fantastic.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- Freelance in fashion. - Yeah, excellent.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Oh, yeah, it does go with the outfit. Yeah.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15It always ...
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Thanks, Charly.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19Ah, nice. Wonderful.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21OK. Charly.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- Very happy.- You're very happy?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Very happy to play Santa. So glad you chose me.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30I think it very modern to have a lady Santa.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- Yes.- Do you have outfit for me?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35- Yes, there's an outfit in there. - Oh, fantastic.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39- May I go in? - Yes, it's just here. This thing.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Oh, wonderful. I put it on.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45I'm so interested in fashion, you know?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Which leg goes in which trouser?
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- So complicated, trousers, don't you find?- Yes, they can be.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55You don't know.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58I mean, you have these legs and they go in.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- That's lovely.- Oh, there I am. It's going to get very Christmassy.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- Lovely.- Yeah, it's good. Yeah?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- Yeah, it's very good. - Thank you, everybody.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10APPLAUSE
0:03:10 > 0:03:13That's wonderful.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- So, Charly... - Woo! Let's get Christmassy.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20- Let's get Christmassy. - What are we holding back for?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Santa needs a reindeer.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24- Santa needs a reindeer?- Yes.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- OK. Do you want to choose your reindeer?- Very much.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30- Let's go and have a look. - Let's choose a nice reindeer.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32So, do you want male or female?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34- I want male, please.- OK.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37The one there in the second row.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38This guy here with the scarf?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Yes, he is very nice. I'd like him to be my reindeer.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- So, what's your name? - Tell us, please, who you are.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46- Lewis.- Lewis.- Lew-is!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Come be Santa's reindeer.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Thank you, Lewis.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- Would you come and join us? - And this guy.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56- Which guy?- This guy here. - That one there?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- In the peach top. - What's your name?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- Chris. - Chris.- Chris and Lewis.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03It almost makes a sound like Christmas.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Chris and Lewis, everybody. Thank you.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07APPLAUSE
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Whilst I put these masks on Chris and Lewis, I'm going to give
0:04:09 > 0:04:12you this, and then you can squeeze it and you can still talk.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13- Is that OK?- Yes!
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I understand.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- You're Lewis.- Yeah.- Tell me, who are you?- I'm Lewis.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26You're Lewis.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- That's great.- I do youth work.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32You do youth work. Excellent. Of course.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34- Yeah, you're Lewis. - My ears are going to look terrible.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Your ears aren't going to look terrible.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Don't be worried about things like this.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- Do my ears look all right? - Yeah, they look all right.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44I knew my ears were going to look terrible.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47- No, they don't. They look fine, Lewis.- I'm Lewis!
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Yes, you are.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- I'm Lewis, everyone. - They know that.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Hello.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- Fantastic.- I'm Lewis.- I know that.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58We know that is your name.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- Yes, but does everyone know? - Everybody does know.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- I'm just Lewis.- OK.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Listen, I'm just going to put this on.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07- Yes, but I'm Lewis. - I know you are.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09That's me. Lewis.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11OK.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- And you're Chris?- Yeah. - Chris, who are you?- I'm a chef.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- You're a chef?- Yeah.- Are you French?
0:05:16 > 0:05:20- No.- Oh. I thought you sounded like it. Maybe you will be now.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21LAUGHTER
0:05:23 > 0:05:24Your name is Chris.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- FRENCH ACCENT:- I'm Chris.- OK.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- Are you French? - Currently, I am.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33I love it!
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- I am chef.- You are a chef.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Are you looking forward to cooking Christmas lunch?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40- I love it.- You don't love it?
0:05:42 > 0:05:46- I'm Lewis.- You're Lewis. We know that.- I'm Lewis.- OK.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48And over there, we have Charly. Are you OK?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Yes, I'm OK.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54OK, so now that you're good at that,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56do you want to take hold of Chris and Lewis?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- Because they are my reindeers. - Yes.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Reindeers, please, on all fours.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Get down.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Get down, Lewis. Get down, Chris.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- OK. So you guys are the reindeers. - Yes.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- You have a headband for them?- Yes.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17God, there's so much management going on.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20So, um, could you squeeze Lewis, so I can talk to him?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- Lewis?- Yes. I am Lewis.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Yes, we know that.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Chris?
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Yes.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30You're French?
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- I love it!- OK. Good.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36OK.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38You've got your reindeers, now. Are you happy?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Very happy.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Now, with Chris and Lewis, my two reindeers,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45we shall now fly off this stage.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Do you...? Do you fly, guys?
0:06:51 > 0:06:52- Yes.- OK.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- Lewis, do you fly?- Yes, I do.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58- It's my technique. I flap. - You flap.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03- What's your technique, Chris? - I go like a plane.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05OK. Beautiful.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09- Good reindeers you've got. - I choose always the best reindeers.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11- Santa knows best.- OK.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14So, on the count of three, reindeers,
0:07:14 > 0:07:17we're going to fly off this stage.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19- OK, Lewis?- Yes.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22I sprinkle magic dust...
0:07:24 > 0:07:26..and we fly.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- This way, guys. - This way, guys. This way.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Oh, you bloody idiots.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- Bloody idiot reindeer. - Don't be so mean to them.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39No, they go the wrong way.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42I can't train these bloody things. This is ridiculous.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Come with me. Come outside. Outside.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Put your antlers back on, you bloody idiots.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52- Don't be so rude to them. - They need a hard, hard hand.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54- OK.- Come on, off this stage.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- Come on, guys.- Fly!
0:07:56 > 0:07:57Fly, guys. Fly.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01- Fly, guys.- Well done.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03- Fly. This way.- Beautiful.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Well done. Well done,
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Chris, Lewis and Charly.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:08:15 > 0:08:17OK. So, guys, it is, um...
0:08:17 > 0:08:20It's time to welcome your first act of the evening.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24My God, this woman is incredible. You're going to love her.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Please welcome Tanyalee Davis, everybody.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33MUSIC: All I Want For Christmas by Mariah Carey
0:08:44 > 0:08:47That's right. Some people carry a briefcase to work.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I carry a step-stool.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Hello!
0:08:52 > 0:08:55CHEERING
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Merry Christmas. Yeah?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01It's all right, I can still feel the tension in the room.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Some of you are a little shocked.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Don't feel sorry for me. I get it all the time.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08"Oh, look. She's ginger."
0:09:16 > 0:09:18I feel like I need to educate people
0:09:18 > 0:09:21on how to interact with little people.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23You know, there is a code of conduct.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26It's kind of like dealing with Gremlins -
0:09:26 > 0:09:29which is my favourite Christmas movie.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31I've actually come up with three major rules.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34If you come across another little person,
0:09:34 > 0:09:36obviously, you've got to be respectful.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39You've got to think of little people, like Gremlins. Right?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Rule number one, don't pat us on the head.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46That's right. It's beneath you people.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Rule number two, don't pick us up.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53You know you want to, don't you, sir?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Cos people think, "Oh, look, she's small.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59"She's going to be light." Hell, no.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Look at the size of this ass!
0:10:03 > 0:10:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:08 > 0:10:11That is a solid booty, let me tell you.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16And rule number three, no vodka after midnight...
0:10:17 > 0:10:19..cos we multiply.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Or we try.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:30 > 0:10:33I get the best reactions from kids, right,
0:10:33 > 0:10:35cos children are so honest -
0:10:35 > 0:10:37very upfront in their reaction.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39You know, I had this kid come up to me one time.
0:10:39 > 0:10:44He goes, "Ooh, what happened to you? Did you get to an accident?"
0:10:44 > 0:10:45I went, "Hell, no.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49"I didn't eat my vegetables when I was your age, you little shit.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52"Now, put me down".
0:10:58 > 0:11:01I actually had the cutest experience recently.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04This kid was shopping, I was out in the mall, and this kid,
0:11:04 > 0:11:05I could hear him, and he goes,
0:11:05 > 0:11:09"Daddy, look - it's one of Santa's helpers!"
0:11:09 > 0:11:12I know. I thought that was so cute, until I saw his dad,
0:11:12 > 0:11:14who started really laughing and pointing,
0:11:14 > 0:11:17and I was like, "What a dickhead".
0:11:17 > 0:11:19So, I walked up to the kid and I went,
0:11:19 > 0:11:22"Yeah, I'm one of Santa's helpers, and guess what?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25"He said you were a really good boy this year,
0:11:25 > 0:11:29"and you're going to get a brand-new PlayStation 4 with all the games".
0:11:29 > 0:11:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:38 > 0:11:40It's all right now. I'm in a relationship.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Been in a relationship for quite a few years.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Of course, people's first question is always, "Is he a little person?"
0:11:46 > 0:11:50I'm like, hell, no. He's actually the shortest guy I've ever dated.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52He's 5' 7".
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Yeah, down-sized.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Don't worry, he's still nuts over me.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02APPLAUSE
0:12:07 > 0:12:10We live in a very small town in North Carolina.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14Very conservative people, and of course, I love to freak people out.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17So, Kevin and I were sitting on a park bench one day, you know,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20being all romantic, giving hugs and kisses,
0:12:20 > 0:12:23and some old man walked by and I saw him kind of look
0:12:23 > 0:12:25and I was, like, pushed Kevin away.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27I was, like, "Daddy, stop it!"
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Of course, the old man looked mortified.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42I was like, "Don't worry. He kisses better than Uncle Mark".
0:12:44 > 0:12:47We've been in a relationship for quite a few years,
0:12:47 > 0:12:49and you've got to keep the spice alive in a relationship.
0:12:49 > 0:12:55So, this year, I treated myself to pole dancing lessons.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Oh, yeah. Keep the spice alive.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Very popular nowadays.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02A lot of women are getting involved. A lot of celebrities.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06Pamela Anderson got a pole installed in her bedroom.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09I'm thinking, OK. Got my lingerie on.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Trying to choreograph my moves.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15I don't have a pole, you know, so I had to improvise.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17I ended up using a cat scratch post.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Oh, yeah!
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Whoo! That's right.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29That's it from me, you guys. Thanks a lot.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- I'm Tanyalee Davis. Merry Christmas! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Tanyalee Davis, everybody!
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Fantastic work.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- OK.- So, we're ready for our second act of the evening,
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- ladies and gentlemen? - Are we excited?
0:13:50 > 0:13:51CHEERING
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Personal favourite of ours.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Can we please give it up for Hal Cruttenden, everybody?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:59 > 0:14:03MUSIC: Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Thank you very much. Good. Lovely to be here.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Merry Christmas.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17CHEERING
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Do you know what? I quite like working at Christmas.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23I do. I did panto a couple of years ago.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25AUDIENCE: Oh, no, you didn't!
0:14:25 > 0:14:27I've never had that reaction before.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I seriously did. Two years ago, I did panto,
0:14:31 > 0:14:34cos I got to the end of the year and I realised I still had
0:14:34 > 0:14:37a little bit of self-respect that needed getting rid of.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41I was in Cinderella in Woking, OK?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43I was Dandini, Prince Charming's assistant.
0:14:43 > 0:14:48Buttons was played by Mr Tumble - Justin Fletcher from CBeebies.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50And we had a subplot throughout the show
0:14:50 > 0:14:54that Buttons and Dandini were long-lost brothers,
0:14:54 > 0:14:58because apparently, I look a little bit like Mr Tumble from CBeebies.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Really pleased about that, yeah.
0:15:01 > 0:15:06The other one I get is Martin Roberts from Homes Under the Hammer.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- APPLAUSE - Oh, my God!
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Loads of you!
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Loads of you don't have proper jobs.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16But Christmas is lovely.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19It's a hard time of year for a lot of people, isn't it?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21It's very hard for people who live alone
0:15:21 > 0:15:23and have no family to spend it with,
0:15:23 > 0:15:26and it's even worse for people who do have family
0:15:26 > 0:15:28and have to spend Christmas with them.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34There should be Christmas appeals for those people, shouldn't there?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36If you're by yourself this Christmas,
0:15:36 > 0:15:38please spare a thought for Alan,
0:15:38 > 0:15:40who's being glared at by his father-in-law
0:15:40 > 0:15:42for eating too many roast potatoes.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47When you're watching the Bond film this afternoon,
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Alan has to walk for six miles.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Traditional family Christmas ramble.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54And when he gets back,
0:15:54 > 0:15:59he'll have to endure two hours of nonstop, soul-destroying charades,
0:15:59 > 0:16:02followed by ageing relatives talking about the good old days,
0:16:02 > 0:16:04before immigration and gay people.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09You can help Alan by calling this number below.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11It's Alan's number.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16Pretend there's an emergency in the pub and only he can help.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I'm not nice, folks. I'm not nice.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21People think I'm a nice person. I'm not nice.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24I'm pushy and shallow. We all are. Look at our pictures on Facebook.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Our pictures are a complete lie.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28No-one's photo is real, is it?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Everyone's photo on Facebook is like this.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Do you realise, one day, someone's going to be using that photo to say,
0:16:36 > 0:16:38"That's your great-great-grandmother"?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43"Why is it taken from such a funny angle, Mummy?"
0:16:43 > 0:16:44"Well, in those days,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47"that was the way fat people tried to look thinner."
0:16:47 > 0:16:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:55 > 0:16:58I've got friends that are constantly trying to share
0:16:58 > 0:16:59every bit of pain on Facebook.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Do you have friends who put a post up, sharing their pain?
0:17:02 > 0:17:04They won't tell you what's happened, though, will they?
0:17:04 > 0:17:08"Today has been absolutely the worst day of my entire life."
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Their best friend comes in.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14They need to show they're their best friend, so they'll go,
0:17:14 > 0:17:18"I know, babe. You're an amazing person. I'll be over this evening".
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Next level of friend has the guts to say, "What happened, babe?"
0:17:24 > 0:17:26They get the answer, "I'll DM you".
0:17:28 > 0:17:29The third level are people like me,
0:17:29 > 0:17:32just watching, going, "What the bloody hell's happened?"
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Anything to share their pain.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Someone put a thing up that was really quite an innocuous post.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41All it said was,
0:17:41 > 0:17:44"What would you say if you could talk to yourself at 18?"
0:17:44 > 0:17:47And all my friends used this as an excuse to share how hard their life
0:17:47 > 0:17:50had been. All my friends are like, "You're going to go through some
0:17:50 > 0:17:52"hard times, but you're an amazing person.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55"You'll find a way through and you'll be brave and strong and amazing and grow."
0:17:55 > 0:17:58I got in trouble with my wife, because I wrote on it,
0:17:58 > 0:18:00"It's going to be horrible. Kill yourself."
0:18:06 > 0:18:08One woman wrote a thing that was very simple,
0:18:08 > 0:18:09but very, very powerful.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12"What would you say if you could talk to yourself at 18?"
0:18:12 > 0:18:16She simply wrote, "You are not ugly."
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Yeah. We totally know her story there, don't we?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21We know what she's been through. Probably bullied at school,
0:18:21 > 0:18:22rejected by partners as she's grown up.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25She's probably been laughed at behind her back, and she's
0:18:25 > 0:18:28had to realise that other people's judgements aren't important.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30It doesn't MATTER what other people think.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32The only opinion that matters is YOURS,
0:18:32 > 0:18:34and she knows that she is beautiful.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38But, I saw her pictures, and Jesus Christ...
0:18:48 > 0:18:50And I realise that sometimes, sometimes on Facebook,
0:18:50 > 0:18:53on Twitter, whatever, you have to put something sad up there.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55When someone's died, from the family, or a friend has died,
0:18:55 > 0:18:58you need to put that on Facebook to share the information.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01There's people that don't know. That's absolutely fine. BUT...
0:19:01 > 0:19:04the constant memorials to old, dead relatives...
0:19:06 > 0:19:09..are a little bit indulgent, folks.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Little bit indulgent. "Six years ago, Gran, you left us.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15"Always in my thoughts." It's a little bit indulgent.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18And it gets competitive. People go, "I know, I totally understand.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21"I've lost all my grandparents. Totally understand what you're going through."
0:19:21 > 0:19:25"I've lost my grandparents and my parents. I totally understand."
0:19:25 > 0:19:27My mum died nearly two years ago.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29On the anniversary of my mum's death,
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I am not going to go on Facebook
0:19:31 > 0:19:34and go, "Mum, you left us two years ago today.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36"I know if you were still here, you'd be telling me
0:19:36 > 0:19:39"to stop using your death to get attention on Facebook."
0:19:47 > 0:19:50People say stupid things to you when your parents have died, don't they?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53They say things to me like, "Hey, they're always with you, you know.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56"They're always with you."
0:19:56 > 0:19:58And I hear that and just think,
0:19:58 > 0:20:00"Oh, God, I hope not".
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Because when I'm by myself...
0:20:06 > 0:20:09..I do some really disgusting things.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17I can't bear the idea of my dead father appearing to me,
0:20:17 > 0:20:19going, "My son, I have returned....
0:20:21 > 0:20:24"Oh, I'm so sorry. I'll come back later."
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Thank you very much. You've been lovely.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Have a lovely Christmas. Thank you. Thank you very much.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40He's so funny. So great. I love him.
0:20:42 > 0:20:48Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your final act of this evening?
0:20:50 > 0:20:53You're going to love him. Please welcome Josh Widdicombe, everybody.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Josh Widdicombe.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00MUSIC: Stop The Cavalry by Jona Lewie
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Yes.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Merry Christmas. Yes.
0:21:17 > 0:21:18- ALL:- Merry Christmas!
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Christmas is good though, isn't it?
0:21:20 > 0:21:23As a kid, it's good. As an adult, ruined. It is.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25It's not as good.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27The first day you realise Christmas will never be the same again
0:21:27 > 0:21:31is the first time you're entered into office Secret Santa.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35That's a depressing day, isn't it?
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Yeah, just pick a name out the hat and get them a present.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39Maximum £10.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Oh, thank God you told me,
0:21:42 > 0:21:45because I was going to get Jean from HR a hovercraft.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Yeah, keep your eyes closed, Jean.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51I hope I haven't overspent.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54I'll just reverse it into the marina.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Just going to reverse it into the marina, and you can unpack it.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00It was more exciting when you were a kid.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02It was the only festival I looked forward to, really,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05cos at my school we only had that and harvest festival.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06MURMURING
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Yeah. That's the reaction it should get.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12I don't even know if I'm remembering this festival right.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13Is this right?
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Once a year, at the time of the harvest,
0:22:16 > 0:22:20we bring in tins of food that we give to the local old people.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Basically we'd celebrate the harvest by giving old people food
0:22:24 > 0:22:27that was going to last longer than THEY did.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40You shouldn't be in a race against time against a tin of plum tomatoes.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43All these things that's never had anything to do with the harvest.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Who's ever harvested Spam?
0:22:48 > 0:22:51But I go home for Christmas. I go home to Devon.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52It's a long way to go.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54I got the sleeper train home last year.
0:22:54 > 0:22:59Do not ever get the sleeper train, for Christmas or not for Christmas.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03Should be called "the seven hours awake, absolutely livid" train.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07If you haven't got a sleeper train, do not get it on your own.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09I had to go and buy my ticket.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12I queued up, was getting my ticket. He said, "So it'll cost this much."
0:23:12 > 0:23:13This was the question.
0:23:13 > 0:23:18He said, "Would you like to save £20 by sharing your compartment
0:23:18 > 0:23:19"with a stranger?"
0:23:21 > 0:23:24No.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27No. I would pay my life savings to avoid such a fate...
0:23:30 > 0:23:34..because the best-case scenario there is, I'm asleep when he kills me.
0:23:36 > 0:23:42You might say no-one's ever been killed on a train. Have you SEEN Poirot? It's happening all the time!
0:23:42 > 0:23:44That isn't a saving.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Yeah, what a bargain, and then why don't me and him
0:23:46 > 0:23:49share a bowl of spaghetti, like Lady and the Tramp?
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Oh, look, it's 30p for the toilet at King's Cross.
0:23:53 > 0:23:5515p if we go back-to-back, isn't it?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01What are the selling points? Lockable doors.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03That is of no use, if he's already in there with me.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07All I've got now is a cellmate.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Then when I got home, right, I had to sleep in my old room.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14I had to sleep in a single bed. Have you tried this, as an adult?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Were they always that thin?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19How did we ever stay on the things?
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Sleep on a bed? I feel I'm lying on a fucking log.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Felt like I was working on my core strength.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29"You been working out?"
0:24:29 > 0:24:31"No, just sleeping on a single bed. I'm ripped."
0:24:33 > 0:24:36It's like eight hours of Pilates every night.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40They said, "Well, we could push it next to the wall.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43"Will that help?" No.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46No, because then the best-case scenario is, I roll over
0:24:46 > 0:24:47and hit a wall.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50"Well, you slept in."
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Well, at 8:00am, I turned over and knocked myself out.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Also, they don't need to make the duvet small as well.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58It's the size of a flannel.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01"Were you warm?" My KNEE was.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Just used it to preserve my modesty, like Adam and Eve.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I don't want to complain. I don't.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14You know, I've got a double bed.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16I don't want to brag. I have got a double bed.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21A couple of people applauded.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22It might not be.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25It might be a queen size, it might be a king size.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26No-one knows, do you?
0:25:26 > 0:25:30All you know is, it's one bigger than the sheet you just bought.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Oh, but you'll try and fit it on the bed, won't you?
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Two hours.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40No, I don't need all FOUR corners covered with a sheet, do I?
0:25:41 > 0:25:42I'll just go for three,
0:25:42 > 0:25:45and then the world's most powerful catapult...
0:25:47 > 0:25:49..in the middle of my bed.
0:25:50 > 0:25:533:00 in the morning, flung into the wall at 80mph.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07The only tenser way to sleep is when you go to a hotel,
0:26:07 > 0:26:11and they've got the two single beds, but they've claimed it's a double.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14They've just put a sheet over. Oh, my God.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16That's a tense night, isn't it?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Lying on the edge of your bed, going, "Do not make a move
0:26:18 > 0:26:22"to the middle, for fear of being swallowed by your own bed."
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Gone!
0:26:26 > 0:26:28But my parents, I went back for Christmas.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31They put a single bed in. I didn't have a single bed when I was a kid.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33What I had was a thing called a cabin bed.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35I don't know if you had one of these.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38If you didn't have one of these, it's a great idea.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41What it was, height of a bunk bed, but below it,
0:26:41 > 0:26:42instead of another bed,
0:26:42 > 0:26:44I had a desk.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48Yeah. Basically, my parents had made the executive decision that
0:26:48 > 0:26:51I was more likely to write a letter than have a friend.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Kids would come over. "Can I stay over?"
0:27:04 > 0:27:07"No, but you can catch up on your admin."
0:27:08 > 0:27:11I don't know what seven-year-old needs quick access to
0:27:11 > 0:27:13a desk in the middle of the night.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Just wake up at 2:00 in the morning. "I need to pen my memoirs!
0:27:18 > 0:27:21"I'll just climb down the most painful ladder in the world."
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Oh, my God, the pain of that bunk-bed ladder.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25There was nothing like it, was there?
0:27:25 > 0:27:28"Do you want to go to bed?" No, I'd prefer to keep my feet.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32It was like a Biblical punishment.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35You shouldn't have to put your shoes on to go to bed.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42My mum tried to convince me that the cabin bed was a good idea.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44She said, "Oh, Josh,
0:27:44 > 0:27:46"you should be really pleased you've got a cabin bed.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48"Actually, it's a very grown-up bed."
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Now, I'm a grown-up now.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55That's not proved to be the case.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59I've never seen... I don't know if there's any single women here,
0:27:59 > 0:28:02but if you went back to a guy's house...
0:28:05 > 0:28:09..and things were going pretty well, and he said,
0:28:09 > 0:28:12"Do you want to come through to my bedroom? Put your shoes back on."
0:28:23 > 0:28:25You wouldn't go into his room and go,
0:28:25 > 0:28:28"Huh, he works hard AND he plays hard, doesn't he?
0:28:28 > 0:28:32"Got myself a mover and a shaker here, haven't I?"
0:28:32 > 0:28:33Quite literally, at that height.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38You've been absolutely lovely, Noel at the Apollo.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Thank you very much. My name is Josh Widdicombe. Merry Christmas!
0:28:41 > 0:28:43APPLAUSE
0:28:49 > 0:28:51Josh Widdicombe. I love him.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55Thank you to all the fantastic acts we had this evening.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57We had Josh Widdicombe.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Tanyalee Davis.
0:28:59 > 0:29:00And Hal Cruttenden.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03- Happy Christmas, everybody. Goodnight.- Goodnight.