0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language
0:00:08 > 0:00:10MUSIC: Are You Gonna Be My Girl by Jet
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:19 > 0:00:25please welcome your host for tonight, Nina Conti.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:32MUSIC: Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree by Brenda Lee
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Happy Christmas!
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Thank you.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Hey!
0:00:39 > 0:00:43I'll just get my tiny monkey out of this massive bag.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47- Come on out, Monkey. - Hello, happy Christmas, everybody.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Here we are. How long have I got?
0:00:49 > 0:00:51You can do it as long as you want,
0:00:51 > 0:00:53now I'm not wearing my vibrating watch.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Well, thank God for that.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58- Can I say hello to the audience? - Yes, of course you can say hello.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Hello. Hi. How are you all doing?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02CHEERING
0:01:02 > 0:01:05- What's your name? - Is it on your T-shirt?
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Is your name Charly?
0:01:06 > 0:01:09- Yeah.- Charly. Excellent. Nice to meet you.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12- Are you guys friends or lovers? - Please tell me lovers.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- Do you know each other? - Yeah, 22 years.
0:01:16 > 0:01:1722 years?
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Have you had Christmas together, ever?
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Yeah, we think so.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25- You've done a Christmas together? - What did you get each other?
0:01:25 > 0:01:28- Couldn't possibly say it on telly. - You couldn't possibly say it?
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Oh, God. It's pornographic. I knew this...
0:01:31 > 0:01:33- Distasteful.- You couldn't say it?
0:01:33 > 0:01:36OK, we'll move on. We'll move on.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Good luck with your lives.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39You disgust me.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- So sorry about that. - So, yeah, let's find someone else.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47You, sir. Hello, what's your name?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49- Tim.- Tim. Nice to meet you. - What do you do, Tim?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51I'm in finance.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- You're in finance. - Oh, how thrilling. How thrilling.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58Did you know you'd be in finance as a child?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00- It wasn't your first choice. - What did you want to be?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02A train driver.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- A train driver? - Oh, God love you, Tim.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Who are you here with tonight?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- A friend, Nick. - Your friend Nick. Are you lovers?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- No?- Well, not yet, anyway.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14And so, Nick, how did you guys meet?
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- Work.- At work. And so, where do you work, you guys?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- An energy company. - An energy company.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23And is it an ecologically sound energy company?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- It is.- It is? There's no blood on your hands?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28It's a small green one.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30It's a small green energy company.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Congratulations.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37No fracking whatsoever.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39So, what did you get for Christmas last year?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41- A BMX.- You got a BMX?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43At your age? Jesus Christ.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46A BMX. How amazing.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48And what are you hoping to get this year?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Um, some stabilisers.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- Stabilisers!- What are they? - They go on a bike.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59That's fantastic.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Tim, I love you.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Could you join us on the stage for a minute, please, Tim?
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Can we give Tim a round of applause?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Come on up.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10There are some stairs here for you, Tim.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- Oh, Tim. Hello.- Hello, I'm Nina.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17And I'm a monkey stuck to her tit.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Nice to meet you, Tim. Come on over here.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Because you're going to be Nina's next monkey.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26It is painful, I assure you.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- Thank you, Tim. So, right. - I'll see you later, guys.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30It's over to you now, Tim.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35So, let's see, Tim. In here, I've got a contraption.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42So, if I put that on your face,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44do you want to hold that, while I just do the straps?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Hold the face. Oh, OK. Hold the straps.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Oh, you look lovely, Tim.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54How are you feeling?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57I'm feeling all right, actually, yeah.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- A little uncertain. - A little uncertain?- Yeah.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07- I'm not sure how to stand. - Well, you're standing all right.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- I don't know. Is it all right? - It's beautiful.- OK.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14- Oh, it's lovely, isn't it, Christmas?- You like it?- Yeah.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18# Happy Christmas to you... #
0:04:20 > 0:04:22That's lovely. Isn't that the birthday song?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Yeah, I get confused, yeah.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30So, Tim, you're hoping for some stabilisers?
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Yeah. That bike is so difficult to ride.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37So, do you go off-road on it?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Yeah, try to.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- And you hurt yourself?- Frequently.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45What have you hurt? Where are your injuries?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48I hurt my knee, my elbow...
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- And where else?- And my dick.- What?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56- What did you say, sorry? - My dick.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- Your head?- Yeah, can't you tell?
0:05:01 > 0:05:02Where were you cycling?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05How can I tell you, with you in charge?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08You could sort of maybe, I don't know, show me.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- What, act it out?- Yeah.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12- The whole landscape?- Yeah.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15All right.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Over there, there's some, like, waves.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- Waves?- Yeah, I was attempting to ride on water.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28That's why I desperately need those stabilisers.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- So, Tim, you work in finance?- Yeah.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34I work in finance.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- In what realm?- Energy.
0:05:39 > 0:05:44A small, green energy company.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49It wasn't my dream.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53- It wasn't your dream? - No, no, it wasn't my dream.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57I wanted to drive a train.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Choo-choo.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07You may still. You may still, one day.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Yeah, may still.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Can I just go choo-choo around the stage?
0:06:11 > 0:06:12Yeah, of course.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Follow me. Get on the train.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- You want me on the train? - Yeah, get on. Hop on board.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22- Where are we going? - We're going to the North Pole.- OK.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Choo-choo!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26- That's lovely, Tim.- Choo-choo!
0:06:31 > 0:06:33And back again.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- We're going back? - Yeah, South Pole now. Ding-ding.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Choo-choo!
0:06:38 > 0:06:42- That's beautiful, Tim. - Thank you. Thank you.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47I really hope you get the stabilisers for Christmas.
0:06:47 > 0:06:52Thank you, and I hope one day I'll get to drive a train.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56- Yes, I hope so, too. - So, I'll sit down now.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00- OK.- And I'll leave in the manner of my dreams.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- What's that? Like a train? - Yeah. Get on.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Choo-choo! Thanks, everyone. Goodnight.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Choo-choo!
0:07:10 > 0:07:12All aboard!
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Beautiful, mate. Well done. Thank you so much.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Tim, everybody!
0:07:23 > 0:07:26OK, OK. So, guys, it is, um...
0:07:26 > 0:07:29It's time to welcome your first act of the evening.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33My God, this woman is incredible. You're going to love her.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Please welcome Tanyalee Davis, everybody.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42MUSIC: All I Want For Christmas by Mariah Carey
0:07:53 > 0:07:56That's right. Some people carry a briefcase to work.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I carry a step-stool.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Hello!
0:08:02 > 0:08:04CHEERING
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Merry Christmas. Yeah?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10It's all right, I can still feel the tension in the room.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Some of you are a little shocked.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Don't feel sorry for me. I get it all the time.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17"Oh, look. She's ginger."
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I feel like I need to educate people
0:08:28 > 0:08:30on how to interact with little people.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32You know, there is a code of conduct.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35It's kind of like dealing with Gremlins -
0:08:35 > 0:08:38which is my favourite Christmas movie.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40I've actually come up with three major rules.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43If you come across another little person,
0:08:43 > 0:08:45obviously, you've got to be respectful.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49You've got to think of little people, like Gremlins. Right?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Rule number one, don't pat us on the head.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55That's right. It's beneath you people.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Rule number two, don't pick us up.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02You know you want to, don't you, sir?
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Cos people think, "Oh, look, she's small.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09"She's going to be light." Hell, no.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Look at the size of this ass!
0:09:12 > 0:09:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:17 > 0:09:20That is a solid booty, let me tell you.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25And rule number three, no vodka after midnight...
0:09:27 > 0:09:28..cos we multiply.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Or we try.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Oh, I love this time of year. I love shopping.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Oh, my gosh. I totally love it. I get very excited.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48When I go to the shopping mall, I get really excited.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50I start running for the doors. Right?
0:09:50 > 0:09:54I'm going shopping. I'm running for the doors. Ooh.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57They've got the automatic sensors on the doors, right?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00I'm jumping up and down.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02"Come on! Let me in!
0:10:02 > 0:10:04"I got shit to do!"
0:10:04 > 0:10:07I've actually got to throw my handbag up in the air,
0:10:07 > 0:10:09just so I can get in the damn place.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14But this is the time of year where I can go guilt-free shopping.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15That's what I call it.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Cos I have the best intentions when I go Christmas shopping,
0:10:18 > 0:10:20but it always seems to be the time
0:10:20 > 0:10:23where I find the stuff I like for me.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Yeah! I found some stuff I liked the other day.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29I go into the fitting room. I close the fitting room door
0:10:29 > 0:10:32and where does the bottom of the door come to?
0:10:32 > 0:10:33Here.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42There I am, got my big fat ass hanging out to all the customers.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46# My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. #
0:10:46 > 0:10:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Love it. Love it. Fitting rooms are crazy.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01I love interactions with people at the malls, right?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03I actually decided this year,
0:11:03 > 0:11:06I was going to queue up and go and sit on Santa's lap.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Oh, yeah!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10He was a bit shocked when I crawled up there on his lap,
0:11:10 > 0:11:12but I know he was thinking,
0:11:12 > 0:11:15"Ooh, check out the tits on the five-year-old".
0:11:19 > 0:11:22I get the best reactions from kids, right,
0:11:22 > 0:11:23cos children are so honest -
0:11:23 > 0:11:26very upfront in their reaction.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28You know, I had this kid come up to me one time.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32He goes, "Ooh, what happened to you? Did you get to an accident?"
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I went, "Hell, no.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37"I didn't eat my vegetables when I was your age, you little shit.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41"Now, put me down".
0:11:47 > 0:11:49I actually had the cutest experience recently.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52This kid was shopping, I was out in the mall, and this kid,
0:11:52 > 0:11:54I could hear him, and he goes,
0:11:54 > 0:11:57"Daddy, look - it's one of Santa's helpers!"
0:11:57 > 0:12:00I know. I thought that was so cute, until I saw his dad,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03who started really laughing and pointing,
0:12:03 > 0:12:05and I was like, "What a dickhead".
0:12:05 > 0:12:07So, I walked up to the kid and I went,
0:12:07 > 0:12:11"Yeah, I'm one of Santa's helpers, and guess what?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13"He said you were a really good boy this year,
0:12:13 > 0:12:18"and you're going to get a brand-new PlayStation 4 with all the games".
0:12:18 > 0:12:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Last Christmas, I got to perform in Las Vegas.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32- Have you been to Vegas? - CHEERING
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Yeah. Actually, more specifically,
0:12:34 > 0:12:38I got to do a comedy show at a swingers' club.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- WHOOPING - Yeah.
0:12:41 > 0:12:46Nothing says more "festive" than an adult sex club at Christmas.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Ho-ho-ho!
0:12:49 > 0:12:54You know, and I'm no prude. You've got to do like the locals.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57I ended up having sex with an eye doctor.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00I didn't know he was an eye doctor.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Just in the middle of sex, he was like, "One finger or two?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05"Better or worse?"
0:13:05 > 0:13:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:15 > 0:13:16I'm just getting blurry...
0:13:19 > 0:13:22I did learn a valuable lesson, though.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Never let your eye doctor cut up your cocaine.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28The first line is always really big
0:13:28 > 0:13:32and every line after that just gets smaller and smaller.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:41 > 0:13:45By the way, for the record, I have never done panto.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47People ask me that all the time
0:13:47 > 0:13:50and I'm like, in North America, we don't have that, right?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53So, of course, when I started coming over here, somebody said,
0:13:53 > 0:13:56"Oh, have you done panto?" which I thought was, you know,
0:13:56 > 0:13:59your quaint English way of asking if I'd done porn.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03I'm like, "Yeah, he's behind you.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08"Yes, he is".
0:14:11 > 0:14:13It's all right now. I'm in a relationship.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Been in a relationship for quite a few years.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19Of course, people's first question is always, "Is he a little person?"
0:14:19 > 0:14:23I'm like, hell, no. He's actually the shortest guy I've ever dated.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25He's 5' 7".
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Yeah, down-sized.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Don't worry, he's still nuts over me.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35APPLAUSE
0:14:40 > 0:14:43We live in a very small town in North Carolina.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Very conservative people, and of course, I love to freak people out.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50So, Kevin and I were sitting on a park bench one day, you know,
0:14:50 > 0:14:53being all romantic, giving hugs and kisses,
0:14:53 > 0:14:55and some old man walked by and I saw him kind of look
0:14:55 > 0:14:57and I was, like, pushed Kevin away.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00I was, like, "Daddy, stop it!"
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Of course, the old man looked mortified.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14I was like, "Don't worry. He kisses better than Uncle Mark".
0:15:17 > 0:15:19We've been in a relationship for quite a few years,
0:15:19 > 0:15:22and you've got to keep the spice alive in a relationship.
0:15:22 > 0:15:27So, this year, I treated myself to pole dancing lessons.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Oh, yeah. Keep the spice alive.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Very popular nowadays.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35A lot of women are getting involved. A lot of celebrities.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39Pamela Anderson got a pole installed in her bedroom.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42I'm thinking, OK. Got my lingerie on.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Trying to choreograph my moves.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48I don't have a pole, you know, so I had to improvise.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50I ended up using a cat scratch post.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Oh, yeah!
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Whoo! That's right.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01That's it from me, you guys. Thanks a lot.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05- I'm Tanyalee Davis. Merry Christmas! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Tanyalee Davis, everybody!
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Fantastic work.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- OK.- So, we're ready for our second act of the evening,
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- ladies and gentlemen? - Are we excited?
0:16:23 > 0:16:24CHEERING
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Personal favourite of ours.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Can we please give it up for Hal Cruttenden, everybody?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:32 > 0:16:36MUSIC: Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Thank you very much. Good. Lovely to be here.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Merry Christmas.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50CHEERING
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Do you know what? I quite like working at Christmas.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56I do. I did panto a couple of years ago.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58AUDIENCE: Oh, no, you didn't!
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I've never had that reaction before.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04I seriously did. Two years ago, I did panto,
0:17:04 > 0:17:07cos I got to the end of the year and I realised I still had
0:17:07 > 0:17:10a little bit of self-respect that needed getting rid of.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14I was in Cinderella in Woking, OK?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16I was Dandini, Prince Charming's assistant.
0:17:16 > 0:17:21Buttons was played by Mr Tumble - Justin Fletcher from CBeebies.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23And we had a subplot throughout the show
0:17:23 > 0:17:26that Buttons and Dandini were long-lost brothers,
0:17:26 > 0:17:31because apparently, I look a little bit like Mr Tumble from CBeebies.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Really pleased about that, yeah.
0:17:34 > 0:17:39The other one I get is Martin Roberts from Homes Under the Hammer.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- APPLAUSE - Oh, my God!
0:17:42 > 0:17:43Loads of you!
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Loads of you don't have proper jobs.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49But Christmas is lovely.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52It's a hard time of year for a lot of people, isn't it?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54It's very hard for people who live alone
0:17:54 > 0:17:56and have no family to spend it with,
0:17:56 > 0:17:59and it's even worse for people who do have family
0:17:59 > 0:18:01and have to spend Christmas with them.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07There should be Christmas appeals for those people, shouldn't there?
0:18:07 > 0:18:08If you're by yourself this Christmas,
0:18:08 > 0:18:11please spare a thought for Alan,
0:18:11 > 0:18:13who's being glared at by his father-in-law
0:18:13 > 0:18:15for eating too many roast potatoes.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20When you're watching the Bond film this afternoon,
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Alan has to walk for six miles.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Traditional family Christmas ramble.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27And when he gets back,
0:18:27 > 0:18:32he'll have to endure two hours of nonstop, soul-destroying charades,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35followed by ageing relatives talking about the good old days,
0:18:35 > 0:18:37before immigration and gay people.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42You can help Alan by calling this number below.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44It's Alan's number.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Pretend there's an emergency in the pub and only he can help.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52I'm not nice, folks. I'm not nice.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54People think I'm a nice person. I'm not nice.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57I'm pushy and shallow. We all are. Look at our pictures on Facebook.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Our pictures are a complete lie.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01No-one's photo is real, is it?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Everyone's photo on Facebook is like this.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Do you realise, one day, someone's going to be using that photo to say,
0:19:09 > 0:19:11"That's your great-great-grandmother"?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16"Why is it taken from such a funny angle, Mummy?"
0:19:16 > 0:19:17"Well, in those days,
0:19:17 > 0:19:20"that was the way fat people tried to look thinner."
0:19:20 > 0:19:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:28 > 0:19:31I've got friends that are constantly trying to share
0:19:31 > 0:19:32every bit of pain on Facebook.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Do you have friends who put a post up, sharing their pain?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37They won't tell you what's happened, though, will they?
0:19:37 > 0:19:41"Today has been absolutely the worst day of my entire life."
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Their best friend comes in.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47They need to show they're their best friend, so they'll go,
0:19:47 > 0:19:51"I know, babe. You're an amazing person. I'll be over this evening".
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Next level of friend has the guts to say, "What happened, babe?"
0:19:57 > 0:19:59They get the answer, "I'll DM you".
0:20:00 > 0:20:02The third level are people like me,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05just watching, going, "What the bloody hell's happened?"
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Anything to share their pain.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Someone put a thing up that was really quite an innocuous post.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14All it said was,
0:20:14 > 0:20:17"What would you say if you could talk to yourself at 18?"
0:20:17 > 0:20:20And all my friends used this as an excuse to share how hard their life
0:20:20 > 0:20:23had been. All my friends are like, "You're going to go through some
0:20:23 > 0:20:25"hard times, but you're an amazing person.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28"You'll find a way through and you'll be brave and strong and amazing and grow."
0:20:28 > 0:20:30I got in trouble with my wife, because I wrote on it,
0:20:30 > 0:20:33"It's going to be horrible. Kill yourself."
0:20:39 > 0:20:41One woman wrote a thing that was very simple,
0:20:41 > 0:20:43but very, very powerful.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45"What would you say if you could talk to yourself at 18?"
0:20:45 > 0:20:49She simply wrote, "You are not ugly."
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Yeah. We totally know her story there, don't we?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54We know what she's been through. Probably bullied at school,
0:20:54 > 0:20:55rejected by partners as she's grown up.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58She's probably been laughed at behind her back, and she's
0:20:58 > 0:21:01had to realise that other people's judgements aren't important.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03It doesn't MATTER what other people think.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05The only opinion that matters is YOURS,
0:21:05 > 0:21:07and she knows that she is beautiful.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11But, I saw her pictures, and Jesus Christ...
0:21:21 > 0:21:23And I realise that sometimes, sometimes on Facebook,
0:21:23 > 0:21:26on Twitter, whatever, you have to put something sad up there.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28When someone's died, from the family, or a friend has died,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30you need to put that on Facebook to share the information.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34There's people that don't know. That's absolutely fine. BUT...
0:21:34 > 0:21:37the constant memorials to old, dead relatives...
0:21:39 > 0:21:42..are a little bit indulgent, folks.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Little bit indulgent. "Six years ago, Gran, you left us.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48"Always in my thoughts." It's a little bit indulgent.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51And it gets competitive. People go, "I know, I totally understand.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54"I've lost all my grandparents. Totally understand what you're going through."
0:21:54 > 0:21:58"I've lost my grandparents and my parents. I totally understand."
0:21:58 > 0:22:00My mum died nearly two years ago.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02On the anniversary of my mum's death,
0:22:02 > 0:22:04I am not going to go on Facebook
0:22:04 > 0:22:06and go, "Mum, you left us two years ago today.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09"I know if you were still here, you'd be telling me
0:22:09 > 0:22:12"to stop using your death to get attention on Facebook."
0:22:20 > 0:22:23People say stupid things to you when your parents have died, don't they?
0:22:23 > 0:22:26They say things to me like, "Hey, they're always with you, you know.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28"They're always with you."
0:22:28 > 0:22:31And I hear that and just think,
0:22:31 > 0:22:33"Oh, God, I hope not".
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Because when I'm by myself...
0:22:39 > 0:22:41..I do some really disgusting things.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50I can't bear the idea of my dead father appearing to me,
0:22:50 > 0:22:52going, "My son, I have returned....
0:22:54 > 0:22:57"Oh, I'm so sorry. I'll come back later."
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Oh! My dad was an amazing man.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05My dad was very tough. I can be tough.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07I am brave, folks. I am.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09I know I don't seem it.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10I'm brave about this job.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14I've never run away from a gig. I've done some really scary gigs.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17I did a gig a few years ago to British troops who'd just
0:23:17 > 0:23:21returned from Afghanistan, and the commanding officer briefed me
0:23:21 > 0:23:23by saying, "These guys have been through hell.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25"There's been death. There's been injury.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28"They've been shot at virtually every day. Good luck."
0:23:30 > 0:23:32And I went out there, desperately trying to bond, going,
0:23:32 > 0:23:36"Hello, ahem, just like you, er, quite outdoorsy..."
0:23:39 > 0:23:41"I love camping. I do."
0:23:42 > 0:23:44And they were so lovely to me.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Front-line troops and they were so nice.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49At the end, this guy came up to me and honestly said to me,
0:23:49 > 0:23:51"I could never do what you do."
0:23:53 > 0:23:56I said to him, "Jesus, just bloody...grow a pair."
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Luckily he laughed. He did.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11But I am brave.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14I'm brave when it's the right thing to be. Yeah?
0:24:14 > 0:24:17I was on the last Tube train, actually this time last year.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18Christmas-time last year.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20You know what the Tubes in London are like at Christmas.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Quite festive. Full of vomiting and fighting.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26And I was in this carriage.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28It was just me and this woman, 19 or 20.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30She was sitting about four seats down from me.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32It was just me and her in the carriage.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Two guys got on and decided to try and chat her up.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39I don't know what men ever think it's a good idea to chat up
0:24:39 > 0:24:41a woman on the last train at night. It's never going to work.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43There are no women in the world going,
0:24:43 > 0:24:46"I thought I was always going to be alone, then he sat down opposite me,
0:24:46 > 0:24:47"burped and said, 'You're lovely',
0:24:47 > 0:24:50"and I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with him."
0:24:52 > 0:24:56They're trying to chat her up. She's really tense. It's really awkward.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57So I give them a look, first of all.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00A stern look, not a camp look. It wasn't like...
0:25:02 > 0:25:05No. A stern look.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07And they just brush it off.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10And then one of them thinks it's funny to turn to his mate
0:25:10 > 0:25:14and say, "Looks like we're going to have to follow this girl home."
0:25:15 > 0:25:16Horrible. Horrible for her.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Worse for me, cos I now have to step in.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26I screwed up all my courage and I turned to this guy and I said,
0:25:26 > 0:25:28"Leave her alone."
0:25:28 > 0:25:32And this guy turned back to me and said, "Who the hell are you?"
0:25:32 > 0:25:34And that's when I lost it, folks.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37That's when I saw red, because I thought...
0:25:37 > 0:25:39"I've done some telly."
0:25:45 > 0:25:48I was hoping for a little bit of recognition.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49So I saw red. I went mad.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51I cannot believe the next thing that came out of my mouth.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53I turned back to this guy and I said...
0:25:53 > 0:25:56I actually turned back to him and I honestly said to him,
0:25:56 > 0:25:59"You want to bother anybody on this train, bother me."
0:25:59 > 0:26:01In that voice. If I say it in my usual voice,
0:26:01 > 0:26:03it sounds like a come-on, doesn't it?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05"You want to bother anybody on this train, bother me.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06"I can take both of you."
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Sounds like an invitation to a threesome.
0:26:10 > 0:26:11But it actually worked.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14They gave me loads of verbal abuse. They didn't touch me.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Gave me loads of abuse, went, "You're a wanker, mate. A twat.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19"We're just having a bit of a laugh. Just having a bit of banter. Bit of a joke."
0:26:19 > 0:26:22I said, "I don't think it's funny, and I think I know about comedy."
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Still didn't know who I was!
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Actually, as they got off, I think I heard one guy mutter to the other,
0:26:29 > 0:26:31"That Mr Tumble's got a bit of a temper."
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Thank you very much. You've been lovely.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Have a lovely Christmas. Thank you. Thank you very much.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47He's so funny. So great. I love him.
0:26:49 > 0:26:55Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your final act of this evening?
0:26:57 > 0:27:00You're going to love him. Please welcome Josh Widdicombe, everybody.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Josh Widdicombe.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Yes.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Merry Christmas. Yes.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26- ALL:- Merry Christmas!
0:27:26 > 0:27:29I'm very excited about Christmas. I am, as you can see.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34I... I don't want to brag, but I'm nailing shopping at the moment.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- I've got a new debit card. - Ooh!
0:27:37 > 0:27:38Yeah, yeah. You're right to "whoo".
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Yeah, one of the old, er, touchy-downy, er... The old
0:27:41 > 0:27:44touch... If you haven't got one of these, you haven't lived.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45Oh, my...
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Never do you feel so smug in your life than when they go,
0:27:48 > 0:27:51"How would you like to pay?" Just have, mate. See you later.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Where am I off? The future.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01Why don't you give me a call when you get there, Captain Chequebook?
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Thing is, you get used to the touchdown debit card.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07You go somewhere that doesn't have that, you can't believe your ears.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10"Do you want to just put in your PIN number?" Are you kidding me?
0:28:10 > 0:28:14You expect me to stand here for four seconds,
0:28:14 > 0:28:17pushing buttons?
0:28:17 > 0:28:19What is this? A Victorian workhouse?
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Well, I'm sorry, Pret a Manger. No!
0:28:26 > 0:28:29The worst is when you think they've got the touchdown debit card,
0:28:29 > 0:28:30but they haven't.
0:28:30 > 0:28:35You look like you've never used a debit card
0:28:35 > 0:28:37before in your life.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40"How would you like to pay?" You're just going...
0:28:51 > 0:28:53"Are you having a breakdown?"
0:28:55 > 0:28:57I hate it when THEY have the terminal.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59They have to ask for your permission.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02"Do you mind if I just touch...?" Yeah, couldn't give a shit, mate.
0:29:02 > 0:29:04I trust you that you're not going to go,
0:29:04 > 0:29:07"Do you mind if I just touch it down? £4,000! Unlucky, my friend.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11"Enjoy your Twix."
0:29:14 > 0:29:16Christmas is good though, isn't it?
0:29:16 > 0:29:19As a kid, it's good. As an adult, ruined. It is.
0:29:19 > 0:29:20It's not as good.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23The first day you realise Christmas will never be the same again
0:29:23 > 0:29:27is the first time you're entered into office Secret Santa.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31That's a depressing day, isn't it?
0:29:31 > 0:29:34Yeah, just pick a name out the hat and get them a present.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36Maximum £10.
0:29:36 > 0:29:38Oh, thank God you told me,
0:29:38 > 0:29:42because I was going to get Jean from HR a hovercraft.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47Yeah, keep your eyes closed, Jean.
0:29:47 > 0:29:48I hope I haven't overspent.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50I'll just reverse it into the marina.
0:29:50 > 0:29:55Just going to reverse it into the marina, and you can unpack it.
0:29:55 > 0:29:56It was more exciting when you were a kid.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59It was the only festival I looked forward to, really,
0:29:59 > 0:30:01cos at my school we only had that and harvest festival.
0:30:01 > 0:30:02MURMURING
0:30:02 > 0:30:06Yeah. That's the reaction it should get.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08I don't even know if I'm remembering this festival right.
0:30:08 > 0:30:10Is this right?
0:30:10 > 0:30:12Once a year, at the time of the harvest,
0:30:12 > 0:30:17we bring in tins of food that we give to the local old people.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21Basically we'd celebrate the harvest by giving old people food
0:30:21 > 0:30:23that was going to last longer than THEY did.
0:30:33 > 0:30:36You shouldn't be in a race against time against a tin of plum tomatoes.
0:30:36 > 0:30:40All these things that's never had anything to do with the harvest.
0:30:40 > 0:30:42Who's ever harvested Spam?
0:30:44 > 0:30:47But I go home for Christmas. I go home to Devon.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49It's a long way to go.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51I got the sleeper train home last year.
0:30:51 > 0:30:55Do not ever get the sleeper train, for Christmas or not for Christmas.
0:30:55 > 0:30:59Should be called "the seven hours awake, absolutely livid" train.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04If you haven't got a sleeper train, do not get it on your own.
0:31:04 > 0:31:05I had to go and buy my ticket.
0:31:05 > 0:31:09I queued up, was getting my ticket. He said, "So it'll cost this much."
0:31:09 > 0:31:10This was the question.
0:31:10 > 0:31:14He said, "Would you like to save £20 by sharing your compartment
0:31:14 > 0:31:16"with a stranger?"
0:31:17 > 0:31:18No.
0:31:20 > 0:31:24No. I would pay my life savings to avoid such a fate...
0:31:26 > 0:31:29..because the best-case scenario there is I'm asleep when he kills me.
0:31:33 > 0:31:38You might say no-one's ever been killed on a train. Have you SEEN Poirot? It's happening all the time.
0:31:39 > 0:31:40That isn't a saving.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42Yeah, what a bargain, and then why don't me and him
0:31:42 > 0:31:45share a bowl of spaghetti, like Lady and the Tramp?
0:31:46 > 0:31:49Oh, look, it's 30p for the toilet at King's Cross.
0:31:49 > 0:31:5215p if we go back-to-back, isn't it?
0:31:55 > 0:31:57What are the selling points? Lockable doors.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00That is of no use if he's already in there with me.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04All I've got now is a cellmate.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07Then when I got home, right, I had to sleep in my old room.
0:32:07 > 0:32:11I had to sleep in a single bed. Have you tried this, as an adult?
0:32:11 > 0:32:12Were they always that thin?
0:32:14 > 0:32:16How did we ever stay on the things?
0:32:16 > 0:32:20Sleep on a bed? I feel I'm lying on a fucking log.
0:32:20 > 0:32:22Felt like I was working on my core strength.
0:32:24 > 0:32:25"You been working out?"
0:32:25 > 0:32:28"No, just sleeping on a single bed. I'm ripped."
0:32:29 > 0:32:32It's like eight hours of Pilates every night.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37They said, "Well, we could push it next to the wall.
0:32:37 > 0:32:39"Will that help?" No.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42No, because then the best-case scenario is I roll over
0:32:42 > 0:32:44and hit a wall.
0:32:46 > 0:32:47"Well, you slept in."
0:32:47 > 0:32:50Well, at 8:00am I turned over and knocked myself out.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53Also, they don't need to make the duvet small as well.
0:32:53 > 0:32:54It's the size of a flannel.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58"Were you warm?" My KNEE was.
0:33:01 > 0:33:04Just used it to preserve my modesty, like Adam and Eve.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09I don't want to complain. I don't.
0:33:09 > 0:33:10You know, I've got a double bed.
0:33:10 > 0:33:13I don't want to brag. I have got a double bed.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17A couple of people applauded.
0:33:17 > 0:33:19It might not be.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21It might be a queen size, it might be a king size.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23No-one knows, do you?
0:33:23 > 0:33:26All you know is it's one bigger than the sheet you just bought.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32Oh, but you'll try and fit it on the bed, won't you?
0:33:32 > 0:33:33Two hours.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36No, I don't need all FOUR corners covered with a sheet, do I?
0:33:37 > 0:33:39I'll just go for three,
0:33:39 > 0:33:42and then the world's most powerful catapult...
0:33:44 > 0:33:45..in the middle of my bed.
0:33:46 > 0:33:503:00 in the morning, flung into the wall at 80mph.
0:34:01 > 0:34:04The only tenser way to sleep is when you go to a hotel,
0:34:04 > 0:34:07and they've got the two single beds, but they've claimed it's a double.
0:34:07 > 0:34:10They've just put a sheet over. Oh, my God.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12That's a tense night, isn't it?
0:34:12 > 0:34:15Lying on the edge of your bed, going, "Do not make a move
0:34:15 > 0:34:18"to the middle for fear of being swallowed by your own bed."
0:34:18 > 0:34:20Gone!
0:34:23 > 0:34:25But my parents, I went back for Christmas.
0:34:25 > 0:34:28They put a single bed in. I didn't have a single bed when I was a kid.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30What I had was a thing called a cabin bed.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32I don't know if you had one of these.
0:34:32 > 0:34:35If you didn't have one of these, it's a great idea.
0:34:35 > 0:34:37What it was, height of a bunk bed, but below it,
0:34:37 > 0:34:39instead of another bed,
0:34:39 > 0:34:41I had a desk.
0:34:41 > 0:34:45Yeah. Basically, my parents had made the executive decision that
0:34:45 > 0:34:48I was more likely to write a letter than have a friend.
0:34:59 > 0:35:01Kids would come over. "Can I stay over?"
0:35:01 > 0:35:03"No, but you can catch up on your admin."
0:35:05 > 0:35:08I don't know what seven-year-old needs quick access to
0:35:08 > 0:35:09a desk in the middle of the night.
0:35:09 > 0:35:13Just wake up at 2:00 in the morning. "I need to pen my memoirs!
0:35:14 > 0:35:18"I'll just climb down the most painful ladder in the world."
0:35:18 > 0:35:20Oh, my God, the pain of that bunk-bed ladder.
0:35:20 > 0:35:22There was nothing like it, was there?
0:35:22 > 0:35:24"Do you want to go to bed?" No, I'd prefer to keep my feet.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28It was like a Biblical punishment.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31You shouldn't have to put your shoes on to go to bed.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39My mum tried to convince me that the cabin bed was a good idea.
0:35:39 > 0:35:40She said, "Oh, Josh,
0:35:40 > 0:35:43"you should be really pleased you've got a cabin bed.
0:35:43 > 0:35:45"Actually, it's a very grown-up bed."
0:35:46 > 0:35:48Now, I'm a grown-up now.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52That's not proved to be the case.
0:35:52 > 0:35:56I've never seen... I don't know if there's any single women here,
0:35:56 > 0:35:58but if you went back to a guy's house...
0:36:02 > 0:36:05..and things were going pretty well, and he said,
0:36:05 > 0:36:09"Do you want to come through to my bedroom? Put your shoes back on."
0:36:20 > 0:36:22You wouldn't go into his room and go,
0:36:22 > 0:36:25"Huh, he works hard AND he plays hard, doesn't he?
0:36:25 > 0:36:28"Got myself a mover and a shaker here, haven't I?"
0:36:28 > 0:36:30Quite literally, at that height.
0:36:32 > 0:36:35You've been absolutely lovely, Noel at the Apollo.
0:36:35 > 0:36:38Thank you very much. My name is Josh Widdicombe. Merry Christmas!
0:36:38 > 0:36:40APPLAUSE
0:36:46 > 0:36:47Josh Widdicombe. I love him.
0:36:50 > 0:36:53# We wish you a merry Christmas. #
0:36:53 > 0:36:56Can I talk to you again, please?
0:36:56 > 0:36:57So, listen, Charly.
0:36:57 > 0:37:00I'm looking for someone to play the role of Santa.
0:37:00 > 0:37:01OK.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03Do you think you can do that?
0:37:03 > 0:37:05You're a bit slutty, but I think that's...
0:37:07 > 0:37:09I think that's why I'm drawn to you, Charly.
0:37:09 > 0:37:11So, Charly, what do you do?
0:37:11 > 0:37:12Freelance in fashion.
0:37:12 > 0:37:16- You're a freelance in fashion. - Excellent. Yeah, that'll do for Santa.
0:37:16 > 0:37:17That'll work.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19So, Charly, could you join us on the stage?
0:37:19 > 0:37:21Can we give Charly a round of applause? Thank you so much.
0:37:21 > 0:37:24CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:37:24 > 0:37:27- There's some stairs there. - Yeah, there are some stairs.
0:37:27 > 0:37:29Fantastic.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32- Freelance in fashion. - Yeah, excellent.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34Oh, yeah, it does go with the outfit. Yeah.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39It always ...
0:37:39 > 0:37:41Thanks, Charly.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43Ah, nice. Wonderful.
0:37:43 > 0:37:44OK. Charly.
0:37:44 > 0:37:46- Very happy. - You're very happy?
0:37:46 > 0:37:49Very happy to play Santa. So glad you chose me.
0:37:51 > 0:37:53I think it very modern to have a lady Santa.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56- Yes.- Do you have outfit for me?
0:37:56 > 0:37:59- Yes, there's an outfit in there. - Oh, fantastic.
0:37:59 > 0:38:02- May I go in? - Yes, it's just her. This thing.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04Oh, wonderful. I put it on.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08I'm so interested in fashion, you know?
0:38:09 > 0:38:12Which leg goes in which trouser?
0:38:13 > 0:38:17- So complicated, trousers, don't you find?- Yes, they can be.
0:38:17 > 0:38:18You don't know.
0:38:18 > 0:38:21I mean. you have these legs and they go in.
0:38:21 > 0:38:25- That's lovely.- Oh, there I am. It's going to get very Christmassy.
0:38:27 > 0:38:29- Lovely.- Yeah, it's good. Yeah?
0:38:29 > 0:38:31- Yeah, it's very good. - Thank you, everybody.
0:38:31 > 0:38:33APPLAUSE
0:38:33 > 0:38:36That's wonderful.
0:38:36 > 0:38:39- So, Charly... - Woo! Let's get Christmassy.
0:38:39 > 0:38:42- Let's get Christmassy. - It's the end of the night.
0:38:42 > 0:38:44It's the end of the night.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46What are we holding back for?
0:38:46 > 0:38:49Santa needs a reindeer.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51- Santa needs a reindeer?- Yes.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53- OK. Do you want to choose your reindeer?- Very much.
0:38:53 > 0:38:56- Let's go and have a look. - Let's choose a nice reindeer.
0:38:56 > 0:38:58So, do you want male or female?
0:38:58 > 0:39:00- I want male, please.- OK.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03The one there in the second row.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05This guy here with the scarf?
0:39:05 > 0:39:07Yes, he is very nice. I'd like him to be my reindeer.
0:39:07 > 0:39:10- So, what's your name? - Tell us, please, who you are.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13- Lewis.- Lewis.- Lew-is!
0:39:15 > 0:39:17Come be Santa's reindeer.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19Thank you, Lewis.
0:39:19 > 0:39:20- Would you come and join us? - And this guy.
0:39:20 > 0:39:23- Which guy?- This guy here. - That one there?
0:39:23 > 0:39:25- In the peach top. - What's your name?
0:39:25 > 0:39:27- Chris. - Chris.- Chris and Lewis.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29It almost makes a sound like Christmas.
0:39:29 > 0:39:31Chris and Lewis, everybody. Thank you.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33APPLAUSE
0:39:33 > 0:39:36Whilst I put these masks on Chris and Lewis, I'm going to give
0:39:36 > 0:39:38you this, and then you can squeeze it and you can still talk.
0:39:38 > 0:39:39- Is that OK?- Yes!
0:39:43 > 0:39:45I understand.
0:39:47 > 0:39:51- You're Lewis.- Yeah.- Tell me, who are you?- I'm Lewis.
0:39:51 > 0:39:52You're Lewis.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54- That's great. - I do youth work.
0:39:54 > 0:39:58You do youth work. Excellent. Of course.
0:39:58 > 0:40:00- Yeah, you're Lewis. - My ears are going to look terrible.
0:40:00 > 0:40:02Your ears aren't going to look terrible.
0:40:02 > 0:40:04Don't be worried about things like this.
0:40:06 > 0:40:09- Do my ears look all right? - Yeah, they look all right.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11I knew my ears were going to look terrible.
0:40:11 > 0:40:14- No, they don't. They look fine, Lewis.- I'm Lewis!
0:40:14 > 0:40:15Yes, you are.
0:40:17 > 0:40:19- I'm Lewis, everyone. - They know that.
0:40:19 > 0:40:20Hello.
0:40:20 > 0:40:23- Fantastic.- I'm Lewis.- I know that.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25We know that is your name.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27- Yes, but does everyone know? - Everybody does know.
0:40:27 > 0:40:29- I'm just Lewis.- OK.
0:40:29 > 0:40:31Listen, I'm just going to put this on.
0:40:31 > 0:40:33- Yes, but I'm Lewis. - I know you are.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36That's me. Lewis.
0:40:36 > 0:40:37OK.
0:40:37 > 0:40:40- And you're Chris?- Yeah.- Chris, who are you?- I'm a chef.
0:40:40 > 0:40:42- You're a chef?- Yeah.- Are you French?
0:40:42 > 0:40:46- No.- Oh. I thought you sounded like it. Maybe you will be now.
0:40:46 > 0:40:48LAUGHTER
0:40:49 > 0:40:51Your name is Chris.
0:40:51 > 0:40:52- FRENCH ACCENT:- I'm Chris.- OK.
0:40:54 > 0:40:56- Are you French? - Currently, I am.
0:40:58 > 0:41:00I love it!
0:41:01 > 0:41:02- I am chef.- You are a chef.
0:41:02 > 0:41:04Are you looking forward to cooking Christmas lunch?
0:41:04 > 0:41:06- I love it.- You don't love it?
0:41:08 > 0:41:12- I'm Lewis.- You're Lewis. We know that.- I'm Lewis.- OK.
0:41:12 > 0:41:14And over there. we have Charly. Are you OK?
0:41:14 > 0:41:16Yes, I'm OK.
0:41:18 > 0:41:20OK, so now that you're good at that,
0:41:20 > 0:41:23do you want to take hold of Chris and Lewis?
0:41:24 > 0:41:26- Because they are my reindeers. - Yes.
0:41:26 > 0:41:29Reindeers, please, on all fours.
0:41:32 > 0:41:34Get down.
0:41:34 > 0:41:36Get down, Lewis. Get down, Chris.
0:41:36 > 0:41:38- OK. So you guys are the reindeers. - Yes.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41- You have a headband for them?- Yes.
0:41:41 > 0:41:43God, there's so much management going on.
0:41:43 > 0:41:46So, um, could you squeeze Lewis so I can talk to him?
0:41:46 > 0:41:50- Lewis?- Yes. I am Lewis.
0:41:50 > 0:41:51Yes, we know that.
0:41:53 > 0:41:54Chris?
0:41:54 > 0:41:55Yes.
0:41:55 > 0:41:57You're French?
0:41:57 > 0:41:58- I love it!- OK. Good.
0:42:00 > 0:42:02OK.
0:42:02 > 0:42:04You've got your reindeers, now. Are you happy?
0:42:04 > 0:42:06Very happy.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09Now, with Chris and Lewis, my two reindeers,
0:42:09 > 0:42:12we shall now fly off this stage.
0:42:15 > 0:42:17Do you...? Do you fly, guys?
0:42:17 > 0:42:19- Yes.- OK.
0:42:20 > 0:42:22- Lewis, do you fly?- Yes, I do.
0:42:22 > 0:42:24- It's my technique. I flap. - You flap.
0:42:26 > 0:42:29- What's your technique, Chris? - I go like a plane.
0:42:29 > 0:42:31OK. Beautiful.
0:42:31 > 0:42:36- Good reindeers you've got. - I choose always the best reindeers.
0:42:36 > 0:42:38- Santa knows best. - OK.
0:42:38 > 0:42:40So, on the count of three, reindeers,
0:42:40 > 0:42:43we're going to fly off this stage.
0:42:43 > 0:42:45- OK, Lewis?- Yes.
0:42:47 > 0:42:49I sprinkle magic dust...
0:42:50 > 0:42:53..and we fly.
0:42:55 > 0:42:56This way, guys.
0:42:56 > 0:42:57This way, guys. This way.
0:42:59 > 0:43:01Oh, you bloody idiots.
0:43:01 > 0:43:02Bloody idiot reindeer.
0:43:02 > 0:43:04Don't be so mean to them.
0:43:04 > 0:43:05No, they go the wrong way.
0:43:05 > 0:43:09I can't train these bloody things. This is ridiculous.
0:43:09 > 0:43:12Come with me. Come outside. Outside.
0:43:12 > 0:43:15Put your antlers back on, you bloody idiots.
0:43:15 > 0:43:18- Don't be so rude to them. - They need a hard, hard hand.
0:43:18 > 0:43:20- OK.- Come on, off this stage.
0:43:20 > 0:43:22- Come on, guys.- Fly!
0:43:22 > 0:43:24Fly, guys. Fly.
0:43:25 > 0:43:27- Fly, guys.- Well done.
0:43:27 > 0:43:30- Fly. This way.- Beautiful.
0:43:30 > 0:43:31Well done. Well done,
0:43:32 > 0:43:35Chris, Lewis and Charly.
0:43:35 > 0:43:37CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:43:39 > 0:43:41Thank you to all the fantastic acts we had this evening.
0:43:41 > 0:43:43We had Josh Widdicombe.
0:43:43 > 0:43:44Tanyalee Davis.
0:43:44 > 0:43:46And Hal Cruttenden.
0:43:46 > 0:43:49- Happy Christmas, everybody. Goodnight.- Goodnight.