0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:19 > 0:00:22please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Russell Kane.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Good evening, Apollo. How are you doing?
0:00:40 > 0:00:41CHEERING
0:00:41 > 0:00:44It's lovely to be here, roomful of British people.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Give me a cheer if you're British.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48CHEERING
0:00:48 > 0:00:49Non-British people?
0:00:49 > 0:00:53CHEERING There's loads. We're in with a chance of a good atmosphere, then,
0:00:53 > 0:00:56United Kingdom. Let me tell you why I was asking. Because I've got to check
0:00:56 > 0:00:59these people are comfortable because, I don't know
0:00:59 > 0:01:02if you felt when I came on, can you imagine what that feels like,
0:01:02 > 0:01:03to walk out and feel that... HE CHEERS
0:01:03 > 0:01:07But, as lovely as it was, and I'm not having a go at you, this is one of
0:01:07 > 0:01:09the best gigs in the fricking world, Apollo,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11however, it was a British welcome.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14You do not get a welcome like that anywhere else in the world,
0:01:14 > 0:01:18and a British welcome is a cheer followed by, "Prove yourself, prick."
0:01:18 > 0:01:20There's a drop straight afterwards. Did you feel it?
0:01:20 > 0:01:24HE CHEERS "Now fricking earn your money, jester. Earn it!"
0:01:25 > 0:01:27And I've just been lucky, you know.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30I just went on a little driving holiday across the USA,
0:01:30 > 0:01:32so I thought I'd do a couple of cheeky unpaid gigs, you know,
0:01:32 > 0:01:35different name, sneak into unpaid little comedy clubs
0:01:35 > 0:01:37and try the difference. Now, I'm not having a go at you.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40I don't want to alienate the audience early on in the show,
0:01:40 > 0:01:42but I cannot tell you how different it is.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44It's almost the opposite to coming onto a British audience.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46British audience start from apathy.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48A cheer followed by, "Prove yourself".
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Mild acceptance, applause. "Love you". End of the night,
0:01:50 > 0:01:53sambuca in the face and light it. "What a legend!" Piss the flames out.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE We grow together, don't we?
0:01:55 > 0:02:00Hate, hate, hate, mild dislike, "Legends!" Right?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02We actually celebrate negativity.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04People take us the wrong way.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07They think we're nasty because we cheer when something goes wrong.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10"Wahey! Something's gone wrong!" That's only because...
0:02:10 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER
0:02:12 > 0:02:15It's only because most of us are so uptight - be honest,
0:02:15 > 0:02:18British people, we even move slightly different, we're so uptight.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20When something falls out of place...
0:02:20 > 0:02:23"Something out of place! Wahey! Legend! Keep moving, keep moving."
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Put it this way, go to a non-touristy part of Italy.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33You will learn the hard way, it is not culturally normal to cheer
0:02:33 > 0:02:36when a glass is dropped. Right? You can only do it once.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40"Wahey! Pick it up, wanker! "Oh, sorry, mate. Sorry. Sorry."
0:02:40 > 0:02:44IN ITALIAN ACCENT: "Why would you cheer? My Pichierri is destroyed.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46"It makes no sense."
0:02:46 > 0:02:48It's just, where we come from, when something breaks,
0:02:48 > 0:02:51we point and say, "Wanker!" to get the tension out. I mean...
0:02:52 > 0:02:55That's culturally healthy, isn't it, United Kingdom?
0:02:55 > 0:02:59If I was to fall off that stage now, right, with a sickening...
0:02:59 > 0:03:02HE MAKES SPLAT NOISE And I was dragged out, it'd be a matter of seconds
0:03:02 > 0:03:04till one of you went, "I know it's wrong, because he's crippled
0:03:04 > 0:03:06"and he'll never perform again,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09"but that is the funniest thing... LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:09 > 0:03:11"I've ever seen in my entire life."
0:03:14 > 0:03:16We're so uptight in this country,
0:03:16 > 0:03:20we have a weird sort of paradoxical switch that goes in our heads.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22So I went on and the Americans, they were lovely.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25"Woo! Oh, my God, you can't possibly fail! He's from Loan-doan!
0:03:25 > 0:03:27"I think that makes him Scoat-tish! You go, buddy!"
0:03:28 > 0:03:32"Use your i-rony on us." And I got to the front,
0:03:32 > 0:03:34and like any one of who have been in a gallery or a posh tea party,
0:03:34 > 0:03:36it was just a bit too nice
0:03:36 > 0:03:38and I thought, "I'm going to have to spoil it on purpose."
0:03:38 > 0:03:40I couldn't help it. It's a very British impulse, isn't it,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42the scream that's suppressed?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Have you never have that, like, if you're up on wedding
0:03:44 > 0:03:47and someone goes, "It's the cake, we had it flown in from Italy.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49"The bride's been crying with happiness, it's so lovely."
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Wouldn't a part of you like to go,
0:03:51 > 0:03:53"Pricks! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do it!"
0:03:53 > 0:03:55"I just gave in."
0:03:55 > 0:03:59Anyway, I'll tell you what happened and I'm not proud of it.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02By the way, I know some comedians can work with subjects like this
0:04:02 > 0:04:05and make them funny. I'm not like that, I'm really boring and vanilla,
0:04:05 > 0:04:06so I'm not proud of what I said.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09I went on and they were like, "Woo! You can't possibly fail!"
0:04:09 > 0:04:12You must have felt that where you're like, "I'm going to spoil it."
0:04:12 > 0:04:15I didn't say "Hello", didn't establish myself, didn't say
0:04:15 > 0:04:17"Hi, I'm Russell", I just pointed at a guy, sat on his own,
0:04:17 > 0:04:20minding his own business, lovely New Yorker with a beard, and went,
0:04:20 > 0:04:22"Good evening. You look like a paedophile."
0:04:22 > 0:04:25It just came out of my mouth! It just came out.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27I've never lost a room so quickly.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29"Oh, my God, is that funny where you come from,
0:04:29 > 0:04:33"to call someone a sex offend-or? Is that amusing to you?"
0:04:34 > 0:04:38"Is that i-rony, because we don't need Monty Python if it is, buddy."
0:04:39 > 0:04:42"Get Biff, get Scooter! We're leaving." Right?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44LAUGHTER
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Imagine that with a London audience. "You look a bit like a sex offender."
0:04:49 > 0:04:52"He does, look, paedo! Let's chase them into the alley and kick him in."
0:04:52 > 0:04:54"Just to be on the safe side. Nonce! Fricking nonce!"
0:04:58 > 0:05:00What's going on here? What's your name, sir?
0:05:00 > 0:05:03- Sam.- Sam? And is this your crew or is it your parents?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- Uh...- "Same thing, bro. Same thing."
0:05:05 > 0:05:09- That's my mum.- Yeah. Oh, you're just out with your mum tonight, are you?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11No, it was meant to be my friend and he had to do something.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Oh, right, so you just hang out with your mum. That's fine.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16"Come with a friend but I came with Mum instead.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19"Mum's more like a sister really, yeah?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22"Where's Mum?" "I'm already on the dance floor, Sam. Keep up."
0:05:22 > 0:05:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:26 > 0:05:28- And what's your name, mum?- Cindy.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Cindy? I'm a bit jealous.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- How old are you, Sam?- 17.- 17? You're just one of those...
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Can you just talk to each other about anything? You one of those houses?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39"If we've got a problem, we just discuss it. Me, my mum and dad.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42"We go round the kitchen table and we just talk about it.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46"In fact, we got rid of doors last year, me and dad and mum and Cindy.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50"Dad doesn't even wear clothes." "Morning, Sam! Morning!"
0:05:50 > 0:05:51"Morning."
0:05:53 > 0:05:54AS IF IN SLOW MOTION: "Morning, Sam!
0:05:54 > 0:05:56HE MAKES THUMPING NOISE
0:05:56 > 0:05:59"Help yourself to Coco Pops."
0:05:59 > 0:06:00BOOF! BOOF!
0:06:05 > 0:06:07HE GROANS IN SLOW MOTION
0:06:11 > 0:06:12That's your dad's balls.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:17 > 0:06:20All right, Sam? You all right, because I've been talking about sex.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23It's been quite rude. You're not embarrassed next to your mum?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25You're lucky. I would have died of embarrassment.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Actually, it's quite patronising what I did there. I'm sorry.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Sort of desexualising you just because you're a mum.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Does that piss any of the other mums off, when I go,
0:06:32 > 0:06:35"I mustn't talk about sex because you're..." That's not fair.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Well, what do you think Cindy was up to when she was 18, 19 years old, eh?
0:06:40 > 0:06:41I'll tell you what she was up to.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44She was round the back of a nightclub being pounded to dust.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45That's what.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49We should celebrate that!
0:06:51 > 0:06:54"Put some chips on my back for Christ's sake, Barry."
0:06:57 > 0:07:01I will be selling transcripts of the car journey home later.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04"Mum, you know when he said..." "Shut up, Sam."
0:07:05 > 0:07:0617, man. Awesome age.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Was it like, in the last year, Sam, you're suddenly like,
0:07:09 > 0:07:11"Right, I get it. I feel like a man in my head.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13"I get my politics, I know where I'm going in life."
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Has that sort of clicked in?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Think where you were two years ago, at 15.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19"There goes a wasp. Why is my wee so yellow?"
0:07:19 > 0:07:20HE GIGGLES
0:07:23 > 0:07:25The smoke clears, suddenly, at 16, 17,
0:07:25 > 0:07:27and you can suddenly sense adulthood.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Do you remember that feeling, yeah? Your life has the grammar of a child.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33You still live at home, you're still... "Dinner's ready!"
0:07:33 > 0:07:36"I know, Mum." All that shit's still going on, but you feel like an adult
0:07:36 > 0:07:39and you glimpse the ledge of adulthood, if I can put it that way.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42And what does that represent? That's called going to uni or whatever.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Moving out, having your own place. You can do what you like.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47"I can get up, I can smoke a cigar in the afternoon, I can study,
0:07:47 > 0:07:49"I can not study, I can bang like a tribal chief at a drum."
0:07:49 > 0:07:51"Welcome to my village. I can do what I like."
0:07:51 > 0:07:55LAUGHTER "I'm ready to move out. I don't need you any more, Mum.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57# Oh na-na-na what's my name?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59"Laters, Crusty." And you're off.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Who remembers what that jump felt like, when you get out there
0:08:04 > 0:08:07and you're like, "Adulthood - I'm at uni, I'm at the Army, wherever.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09"My own flat." Now, there are two horrible surprises
0:08:09 > 0:08:11waiting for you out there, Sam.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15The first one is, after a couple of years, the smoke clears
0:08:15 > 0:08:18and there is another fricking ledge. 18 was an illusion.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21"I can't believe I thought 18 was being grown-up.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24"That's being grown-up, being 21, having graduated, having a mortgage,
0:08:24 > 0:08:26"being in a relationship. I need to be up there!"
0:08:26 > 0:08:28But it gets so much worse.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32After about six months, you look back at the ledge you were at before
0:08:32 > 0:08:35and there's your mum making dinner. "Dinner's ready, Sam!"
0:08:35 > 0:08:38"MUMMY!" She can't hear you any more. "MUMMY!"
0:08:42 > 0:08:45And it will dawn on you, as it has every poor human being
0:08:45 > 0:08:49in this room, that existence is reaching for one stage,
0:08:49 > 0:08:52getting there, then wishing you were at the stage before,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55over and over and over again. Right?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The whole of life.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Thank you.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04There are people in their '50s and '60s sat in this room who have
0:09:04 > 0:09:05landed on a ledge and gone,
0:09:05 > 0:09:08"50? I can't believe I thought 40 was grown-up!"
0:09:08 > 0:09:09It never stops.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12I've recently completed a leap, yeah?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14So, I'm not trying to offend anyone,
0:09:14 > 0:09:16but I didn't have any girlfriends at school.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19I didn't even kiss a girl at school. I left school without...
0:09:19 > 0:09:22And I was good at Dungeons And Dragons, so...
0:09:22 > 0:09:24In my world, I was a powerful wizard.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I never, never kissed a girl. No girls gave a shit about me.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Look at the state of me. Then, suddenly,
0:09:31 > 0:09:33you tell one joke on TV and you've got female attention.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35And, of course, I couldn't handle it because I'm a man,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38and like most men in this room, I landed on the ledge
0:09:38 > 0:09:40and was like, "That's it, I'm going to shag everyone.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43"This is my destination! I'm a comedian called Russell.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45"We know what that means." Right?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47"I'm going to shag my way around the world so fast
0:09:47 > 0:09:50"that I enter myself in a giant daisy-chain.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52"I'm never going to stop shagging."
0:09:52 > 0:09:55"I'm going to go like a sewing machine in a power surge.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56"Nothing's going to stop me.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59"I'm going to shag thousands of women, thousands!"
0:09:59 > 0:10:01And, then, gentlemen, what happens? The smoke clears.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04"I can't believe I was about to debase myself by sleeping with
0:10:04 > 0:10:05"thousands of women.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09"Look up there, that's the real ledge, being with one woman." Right?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11"One beautiful woman that I love.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14"I can explore all my erotic needs with this girl by my side!
0:10:14 > 0:10:17"I'm going to marry her. That's where I belong." Up we go, gentlemen.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20"Hooray!" BOOF! That's a bad one, isn't it?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22HE SCREAMS
0:10:29 > 0:10:31"Come back and fuck us, there's hundreds of us."
0:10:31 > 0:10:33"I can't get back! I can't get back!
0:10:33 > 0:10:35"I'm married!"
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Married couples. Married couples love this one.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43"Oh, my God! Are you two married? I thought you'd just met."
0:10:43 > 0:10:45"I know, we're so happy, aren't we? Hooray!
0:10:45 > 0:10:47"We're a young, married couple. We go to festivals.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49"What time shall be get up? Midday? Why not?
0:10:49 > 0:10:52"Because, although we are married, we are so in love.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54"This is what it's supposed to be. Wait, the smoke's clearing.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58"Maybe two should become three. How amazing that would be!
0:10:58 > 0:11:01"Let's have a baby! We belong up there
0:11:01 > 0:11:03"and it won't be like the other shit babies, our baby will be amazing
0:11:03 > 0:11:07"and sleep until 9am because we'll use blackout curtains. I can't wait!"
0:11:09 > 0:11:11"Let's take a leap, I'm sure it won't damage our love.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12"Hooray!"
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Vomit, diarrhoea, no sex life. "I'm leaving you, Pauline."
0:11:16 > 0:11:18"Agh! Agh! Agh! Look how much fun we were.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20"We used to go to the Apollo in the middle of the week."
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Middle-aged people. Middle-aged people, you love this one, don't you?
0:11:24 > 0:11:27"We love you, but we can't wait for you to move out, teenagers.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30"Move out! Having a house full of teenagers? No, thanks.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32"Think, when they go, we'll be young again, Barry.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36"We'll be like teenagers again, it'll be like the movie Cocoon.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37"We will be reborn!
0:11:37 > 0:11:40"We'll play Scrabble until we get osteoporosis from it.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43"It's going to be wonderful. We love you, teenagers, but goodbye.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45"Up we go, middle-aged people. Hooray!"
0:11:45 > 0:11:49Six months later... "My life is empty, I'm having a breakdown."
0:11:51 > 0:11:54And on and on and nursing home and death.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55There we are.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Now, I'm very lucky, it doesn't always work out this way,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11I've worked with both acts tonight and they are both fantastic
0:12:11 > 0:12:13and they are mates and they are lovely people
0:12:13 > 0:12:14and I want you to go wild.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise,
0:12:16 > 0:12:20raise the roof and welcome to this stage Roisin Conaty!
0:12:20 > 0:12:22CHEERING
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Hello!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Hello! Hello!
0:12:35 > 0:12:38You seem like a bloody lovely crowd.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42So, I'll tell you a bit about myself.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Ladies and gentlemen, I'm single and I live alone
0:12:44 > 0:12:47and I have recently decided that I really want to get a dog.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- AUDIENCE WHOOPS - Thank you. Yes, I want a dog.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52My family don't want me to get a dog
0:12:52 > 0:12:55because they don't want me to be happy.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Every single person in my family said the same thing to me
0:12:58 > 0:12:59when I said I want a dog. They are like,
0:12:59 > 0:13:03"Rosh, you know you've got to walk it?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06"You know you've got to feed them, yeah? Have you thought about it?"
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Yeah, obviously. What do you think I'm going to do, like,
0:13:08 > 0:13:11"Hello, mate, here's the house keys, there's half a biryani in there.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13"I'm off to Corfu for a couple of weeks,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16"just text me if you want any duty-free."
0:13:17 > 0:13:20And the thing is, they wouldn't say that if you said you wanted a baby.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23They'd be like, "You know it shits itself?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26"You know you've got to feed them with your own juices?"
0:13:26 > 0:13:29But I am at that age where I get asked all the time now
0:13:29 > 0:13:32if I want children. It's the thing that everyone asks me,
0:13:32 > 0:13:33no matter the circumstances.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36They'll be like, "Do you want pizza? Do you want kids with that?"
0:13:36 > 0:13:38And it's really, really annoying.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40I'm single, so I always answer the same way.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43I'm like, "Well, I'm single." "Yes, but do you want kids?"
0:13:43 > 0:13:45I'm like, "I'm single." "Do you want kids?"
0:13:45 > 0:13:47How do I know I want something for certain
0:13:47 > 0:13:50that I only know half the ingredients of?!
0:13:50 > 0:13:51It's like continuously being asked,
0:13:51 > 0:13:53"Do you want some chocolate-covered...?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59"Better start thinking about it, girl."
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Like chocolate-covered sweets, yes, I do, thank you very much.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Chocolate-covered bellend, no, I don't, actually.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09And I like kids, but I like the fun ones
0:14:09 > 0:14:11and there is no guarantee you're going to get one of those.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15I mean, I could get a slow talker and it would mess my life up.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17I have not got the patience.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20I see my friends listening to their children's stories
0:14:20 > 0:14:22and it's like a hostage situation.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Especially nowadays, like toddlers are fed all this organic food,
0:14:26 > 0:14:28they are so calm and healthy,
0:14:28 > 0:14:30like "Mummy... Today I did..."
0:14:30 > 0:14:32They all sound like Frank Spencer!
0:14:32 > 0:14:35"Mummy, today I did a drawing of a m...m..."
0:14:35 > 0:14:38A mouse? "M..." Madonna? A market town?
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Give it some E numbers!
0:14:40 > 0:14:44They'll be 12 by the time this anecdote ends.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47So, yeah, I have been single for quite a while.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49It's fine being single.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52If you are a single woman, though, any unhappiness you experience,
0:14:52 > 0:14:55people assume it's because you're single. Honestly, anything.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57You could be like, "I got burgled the other day."
0:14:57 > 0:14:59"Don't worry, you'll meet someone soon.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03"Keep the faith, girl, keep the faith."
0:15:04 > 0:15:08I've been single for so long I make other people uncomfortable.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Genuinely, I've been single nearly nine years
0:15:10 > 0:15:12and this is genuinely how conversations go with me.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14"You're single, aren't you?" I go, "Yeah."
0:15:14 > 0:15:18"How long you been single?" I go, "Nine years," and they go, "Oh.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19"Oh, OK."
0:15:19 > 0:15:21And what they do then is tell me a story
0:15:21 > 0:15:25about another single person they knew to try and give me hope.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27I get asked quite a lot,
0:15:27 > 0:15:30"Why do you think you're single? Why do you think you're single?"
0:15:30 > 0:15:33It's quite a hard question to answer. There's a lot of answers.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35One of the main ones, I would say,
0:15:35 > 0:15:37is I've got terrible taste in men.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Yeah.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41CHEERING
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Well, I don't.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44This guy does.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Can you call it "this guy"? Madam?
0:15:48 > 0:15:49The Governor!
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Absolute animal, mate. Doesn't give a shit.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Genuinely. She's like that mate who convinces you to do something
0:16:00 > 0:16:03and then goes, "I didn't tell you to do it!"
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Honestly, that's why women have to cross our legs.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08We're like, "Shut up, you nutter! He's got a neck tattoo!"
0:16:11 > 0:16:13I'm not very good on holidays. I'm really bad on holidays.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15I always feel I need to get away from it all.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17I just want to get away from it all.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19But the truth is, I need to get away from this,
0:16:19 > 0:16:22I want to get away from myself, so when I go on holidays,
0:16:22 > 0:16:24I'm always disappointed cos I'm still there.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Same shitty brain, same shitty thoughts,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30except now I'm covered in turquoise jewellery
0:16:30 > 0:16:33with a head full of corn rows, eating a sodding Solero.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39I got some sexy news.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Ladies and gentlemen, this year I was diagnosed with gallstones!
0:16:42 > 0:16:45- AUDIENCE WHOOPS - Yes! Yes!
0:16:45 > 0:16:49I asked my doctor, I said, "Oh, why have I got gallstones?"
0:16:49 > 0:16:52He went, "Because you've got the four Fs." I was like, "Go on."
0:16:52 > 0:16:55And he goes, "Fat." Open with it!
0:16:55 > 0:16:58I was like, "Mate, you've got four to choose from,
0:16:58 > 0:17:00"how's about you act like a human being
0:17:00 > 0:17:02"and put that one in the middle?
0:17:02 > 0:17:05"Next one had better be bloody funny!"
0:17:05 > 0:17:10He goes, "Fat, fair-skinned, fertile and 40."
0:17:10 > 0:17:14I was like, "OK, well, I'm not 40,
0:17:14 > 0:17:16"so your little code there is a bit rude, actually."
0:17:18 > 0:17:19And he goes, "Meh!"
0:17:19 > 0:17:23"You can't meh! Your code is wrong, mate. You can't meh!
0:17:23 > 0:17:26"That's not the four Fs or whatever you just said, that's rubbish!
0:17:26 > 0:17:29"Who taught you medicine? Meatloaf? Three out of four ain't bad?"
0:17:29 > 0:17:31He goes, "Did I say four? There's five Fs."
0:17:31 > 0:17:33I was like, "What is the fifth one?"
0:17:33 > 0:17:36He goes, "Flatulence."
0:17:36 > 0:17:39"Fair enough, yeah, you're right there, actually."
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Though it did make me angry.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43So, yeah, so now I'm on sort of a health kick.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Well, I'm not, I'm thinking about a health kick.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49That's enough, isn't it? I'm a very unhealthy person. Very unhealthy.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Have you ever ordered so much takeaway food
0:17:51 > 0:17:55that you're embarrassed when the delivery driver shows up?
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Genuinely, I live alone and I order so much food
0:17:59 > 0:18:02that I've started going, "I'll get it!"
0:18:09 > 0:18:11He knows I'm there alone. He knows.
0:18:11 > 0:18:16He's like, "Here you go, you hungry little lunatic. Here you go."
0:18:16 > 0:18:18And I'm a smoker and it's just so boring being a smoker.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I just wish they would stop selling cigarettes.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Trying to give up takes up so much of your time.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24The measures don't work.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Every year they are raising the price of cigarettes "to deter the smoker"
0:18:27 > 0:18:30and it's like, "No, when you raise the price of cigarettes,
0:18:30 > 0:18:32"all you're doing is making poor people not buy fruit."
0:18:32 > 0:18:34That's all that happens.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37And the thing is, the latest one is, they've gone,
0:18:37 > 0:18:39"We're going to cover it with blank packaging."
0:18:39 > 0:18:41That's the latest one. Blank packaging.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43"Oh, no! Not blank packaging! Please!
0:18:43 > 0:18:45"what will I do without my photo of rotten teeth
0:18:45 > 0:18:47"that I've had for the last ten years?!"
0:18:49 > 0:18:51And if they used those tactics on something else
0:18:51 > 0:18:54that was physically bad for you but you weren't physically addicted to,
0:18:54 > 0:18:56it would totally work.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59If cheesecake became £17 a packet
0:18:59 > 0:19:02and they covered the packaging in photos of massive fat guts
0:19:02 > 0:19:05with mascara-stained tears the whole way down...
0:19:08 > 0:19:10I wouldn't buy a bloody cheesecake
0:19:10 > 0:19:13cos I'm not addicted to cheesecake.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16I mean, don't get me wrong, I like a bit of cheesecake.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19But it's not addiction, is it?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21I've never been drunk at a party at midnight,
0:19:21 > 0:19:24gone outside, walked up to an absolute stranger...
0:19:27 > 0:19:29"Hello, mate. Sorry to ask, to be a pain,
0:19:29 > 0:19:32"it's just I've had a drink and I'm trying to give up,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35"you haven't got a spare bit of cheesecake on you, have you?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37"Sorry, sorry.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40"I'm just a social cheesecake eater."
0:19:42 > 0:19:45You've been absolutely lovely, thank you very much.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49CHEERING
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Roisin Conaty, ladies and gentlemen!
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your next act?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03It's an absolute privilege and an honour to bring on your closing act.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06He is fantastic. Strap in, fasten your comedy seatbelts,
0:20:06 > 0:20:09start whooping and cheering. Let me hear you, ladies and gentlemen,
0:20:09 > 0:20:14go wild for the one, the only Nick Helm!
0:20:14 > 0:20:17CHEERING
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Good evening, Live At The Apollo!
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- Are you all right? - CHEERING
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Let's kick it in the dick! Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes?
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes?
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes?
0:20:48 > 0:20:50It's not for everyone.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes?
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Just say yes, innit?
0:20:53 > 0:20:54You're in luck, mate.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58I got six of the pricks, let's do this!
0:20:59 > 0:21:01I went to KFC the other day,
0:21:01 > 0:21:03I didn't even know Kentucky had a football club!
0:21:03 > 0:21:05IMITATES EXPLOSION
0:21:07 > 0:21:09This is the act. Get on board!
0:21:09 > 0:21:11LAUGHTER
0:21:13 > 0:21:15I used to have a job collecting leaves.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16I was raking it in!
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - You're welcome!
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Did you hear about the evil group of men
0:21:25 > 0:21:27that control all the world's cheese?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29The hallouminati!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31SCATTERED LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:31 > 0:21:34It's better than that.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37No, if you knew had entertaining yourself, you wouldn't be here!
0:21:39 > 0:21:41I put lipstick and mascara all over my testicles.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Pretty nuts!
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Stuff...like...that!
0:21:49 > 0:21:52I was talking to a record producer at the urinals
0:21:52 > 0:21:54and now I've got a number one on my hands. Oh!
0:21:56 > 0:21:58I get sexually aroused by birds of prey.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00That's HAWK-ward!
0:22:00 > 0:22:02LAUGHTER
0:22:02 > 0:22:05No, no, it is better than that.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07I get sexually aroused by birds of prey.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09That's HAWK-ward!
0:22:09 > 0:22:13- AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPS - No, cheering isn't laughing!
0:22:13 > 0:22:16I get sexually aroused by birds of prey.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18- That's HAWK-ward! - LAUGHTER
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Yeah, that sounds sarcastic now, doesn't it?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23That's not a nice way to welcome me.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25I get sexually aroused by birds of...
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Yeah, we're going to keep doing it until YOU get it right.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31I have smashed it out of the park four times now.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35We're going to stay here until you get it right.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37It's your own time you're wasting.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43I went on a...
0:22:43 > 0:22:47school camping trip when I was younger. I was like...
0:22:49 > 0:22:54I was nine. We went with the school, we went camping with the school.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57I'm from London and I've never seen nature before
0:22:57 > 0:23:02and there was just so much nature. There was...
0:23:02 > 0:23:06There was just nature as far as the eye could see.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10There was wall-to-wall nature.
0:23:10 > 0:23:15Obviously, there weren't any walls, though, because it was nature.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21I remember I woke up in the morning and I was alone,
0:23:21 > 0:23:23which was a relief, because I WAS nine.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29And I walked through a field and I stood there
0:23:29 > 0:23:32and I tell you what, there was so much nature.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35There was a fox. There was a fox over here
0:23:35 > 0:23:39and there was... there was a rabbit over here
0:23:39 > 0:23:41and then I looked up
0:23:41 > 0:23:44and there I saw a kestrel,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47just flying in the sky
0:23:47 > 0:23:49and I was nine, I didn't know...
0:23:51 > 0:23:55I didn't know my own feelings at the time, I didn't know my own body.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58But I felt a stirring and when looked down I realised
0:23:58 > 0:24:00I'd just had a massive, massive erection.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03LAUGHTER
0:24:03 > 0:24:06And a group of all my mates jumped out from behind a tree
0:24:06 > 0:24:08and they all pointed at me and they laughed at me
0:24:08 > 0:24:10and I thought to myself,
0:24:10 > 0:24:11"That's HAWK-ward!"
0:24:11 > 0:24:14LAUGHTER
0:24:14 > 0:24:17APPLAUSE
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- You've got a nice face. What's your name?- Will.- You're Will?
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Come on, Will, you've got such a nice smile, let's...
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Come up here, come up here.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Let's show it off to the...
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Let's show it off. Don't worry, come here.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34There are some steps at the end, there are some steps at the end.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37There we go. OK, take the long way.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40I'll get you a little chair.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Don't worry, I'm legally not allowed to hurt you.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47That's fine.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49CHEERING
0:24:51 > 0:24:52You've got a lovely smile.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55You're trembling.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59I'm not going to have sex with you.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02But who's to stop me?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04They'd all be clapping along in time,
0:25:04 > 0:25:06wouldn't they, as my balls hit against your arse?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Hours later, they'd be scratching their heads,
0:25:08 > 0:25:10going, "That was weird, actually,
0:25:10 > 0:25:12"that was weird when that bit happened."
0:25:12 > 0:25:15But... But that's comedy!
0:25:19 > 0:25:23What's this? Oh, dear. Don't do it, Will.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26SOULFUL GUITAR AND PIANO INTRO
0:25:38 > 0:25:41# You've been watching me from in the crowd
0:25:42 > 0:25:46# Your heart's been thumping really loud
0:25:46 > 0:25:50# I'm everything you dreamt of as a child
0:25:53 > 0:25:56# It's only natural, I suppose
0:25:57 > 0:26:00# To picture me without my clothes
0:26:00 > 0:26:04# I'm the one that really drives you wild
0:26:04 > 0:26:08# You wild, you wild, you wild You wild, wild Will
0:26:09 > 0:26:13# Don't fall in love with me
0:26:13 > 0:26:16# I'm just a fantasy
0:26:16 > 0:26:20# Why spoil the mystery?
0:26:20 > 0:26:23# La-la la-la-la, Will
0:26:23 > 0:26:24AUDIENCE CLAP IN TIME
0:26:24 > 0:26:28# You've waited patiently
0:26:28 > 0:26:30# It must be agony
0:26:32 > 0:26:36# But rest assured it's your turn tonight
0:26:37 > 0:26:41# I can see it in your eyes
0:26:41 > 0:26:45# And from the way your bosom sighs
0:26:45 > 0:26:49# It's so hard to put things into words
0:26:52 > 0:26:54# And blah, blah, blah, blah Blah-blah-blah
0:26:56 > 0:26:59# And blah, blah, blah, blah Blah-blah-blah
0:26:59 > 0:27:00# Blah, blah, blah
0:27:00 > 0:27:02# Blah, blah, blah, blah
0:27:02 > 0:27:06# And birds and birds and birds and birds
0:27:06 > 0:27:12# But, Will Don't fall in love with me
0:27:12 > 0:27:16# One night of ecstasy
0:27:16 > 0:27:19# And I'll be history
0:27:19 > 0:27:23# La-la la-la-la, Will
0:27:23 > 0:27:27# You fell in love with me
0:27:27 > 0:27:30# Please have some dignity
0:27:30 > 0:27:34# Our love can never be
0:27:34 > 0:27:38# La-la la-la-la, Will
0:27:38 > 0:27:42# I gave you all I could
0:27:42 > 0:27:45# But you misunderstood
0:27:45 > 0:27:49# And I guess we'll always have tonight
0:27:49 > 0:27:52# La-la la-la-la, Will
0:27:52 > 0:27:55# Try not to cry too much
0:27:56 > 0:27:59# I'd love to stay in touch
0:28:01 > 0:28:06# But I've got to live my life La-la, la-la-la, Will
0:28:06 > 0:28:11# Somehow you'll carry on
0:28:11 > 0:28:14# Long after I am gone
0:28:15 > 0:28:19# And I guess we'll always have tonight
0:28:19 > 0:28:23# La-la, la-la-la, Will. #
0:28:23 > 0:28:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Shhh!
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Thank you very much!
0:28:37 > 0:28:39CHEERING
0:28:39 > 0:28:43Goodnight, Will.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Helm!
0:28:45 > 0:28:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen,
0:28:47 > 0:28:50that is the end of this episode of Live At The Apollo.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Make some noise for Roisin Conaty...
0:28:53 > 0:28:56and Nick Helm! I've been Russell Kane.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59Thank you very much! Goodnight!
0:28:59 > 0:29:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE