0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:18 > 0:00:25Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Alan Carr!
0:00:30 > 0:00:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:35How are you doing?!
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Ah!
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Ah!
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Welcome to Live At The Apollo.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44CHEERING
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Tonight's about love.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52I want it to be a positive atmosphere tonight, cos, I don't know about you,
0:00:52 > 0:00:55but I think people have too much to say for themselves these days.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56- Do you agree with me? AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:00:56 > 0:00:58People have always got a comment.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00It does my head in. Can I talk about this?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Let's talk about TripAdvisor, yeah?
0:01:02 > 0:01:03LAUGHTER
0:01:03 > 0:01:05If you're a dickhead or a moron,
0:01:05 > 0:01:08I think you should be not allowed to have an opinion.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10- Do you agree with me? AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:01:10 > 0:01:12I went on TripAdvisor.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Someone gave Stonehenge two stars cos there wasn't a coffee shop!
0:01:18 > 0:01:22A woman gave Lake Windermere one star cos she'd lost her handbag there.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24That's not the lake's fault!
0:01:26 > 0:01:29My favourite thing ever, someone had been to see the tomb of Tutankhamen.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33They wrote underneath, "It stank. It was like someone had died there."
0:01:33 > 0:01:36LAUGHTER
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Do you know this, as well?
0:01:38 > 0:01:42People have been giving their hometown on TripAdvisor five stars
0:01:42 > 0:01:45to push their house prices up. Did you know this, Hammersmith?
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Oh, yeah.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Someone gave my hometown, Northampton, five stars.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Have you been? It's the kind of place, if you wear shoes,
0:01:53 > 0:01:55people think you're the Secret Millionaire!
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Now, be fair, when you're on these websites, be fair.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Sometimes it's going to piss it down.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Sometimes you're going to be in a bad mood. Listen, be fair.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08I'll give you an example.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11I got touched inappropriately on a Jack The Ripper walk
0:02:11 > 0:02:12by a feral mute.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14LAUGHTER
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I thought it was part of the tour, I did!
0:02:19 > 0:02:22"Jack? Was that you, Jack? Jack?"
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Did I slag it off?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26No, raved about it, five stars, bring a friend.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Five stars, four fingers. Er...
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Don't laugh at that,
0:02:31 > 0:02:33it's a shit joke, don't laugh at that.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Don't, don't laugh at it, it's shit.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39Has anyone here actually been on a Jack The Ripper walk?
0:02:39 > 0:02:40- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:02:40 > 0:02:41You're like me. I love 'em.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Soon as I moved down from Manchester, I went on this Jack The Ripper walk.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47And they take you round the East End,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49these out-of-work actors and actresses.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Hammy? Even people from Hollyoaks were saying,
0:02:51 > 0:02:53"Tone it down, love," do you know what I'm saying?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56They lie to you, they make out...
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Is anyone here from the East End?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00WHOOPING AND WHISTLING
0:03:00 > 0:03:01They make out, don't they,
0:03:01 > 0:03:04it's all Dickensian, Victorian, cobbled streets?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06It's not, it's modern now.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08I'm following this woman round on this Jack The Ripper tour.
0:03:08 > 0:03:13"And the prostitute was slashed from ear to ear!
0:03:13 > 0:03:16"Left to die on the floor like a dog!"
0:03:18 > 0:03:20And you're in the doorway of a Londis!
0:03:20 > 0:03:22LAUGHTER
0:03:27 > 0:03:31The electric doors are going zub-zub, zub-zub, zub-zub!
0:03:33 > 0:03:37I fell out with TripAdvisor big time. I went to Oman for a week.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40I looked on TripAdvisor. "Food is to die for."
0:03:40 > 0:03:44"The people are so friendly." "The sea is crystal clear."
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Didn't say that homosexuality was illegal, did they?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I had to be butch for a week. A week!
0:03:51 > 0:03:54I used muscles in my legs I didn't even know I had.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04And it's horrible because, at the resort,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06I could hear people saying things like, "Oh, here she is."
0:04:06 > 0:04:09"Bet he's one of those." Do you know what I mean?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11So I kept throwing them off the scent.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I kept walking into the foyer, shouting loudly,
0:04:14 > 0:04:16"Has my wife arrived yet?"
0:04:19 > 0:04:21You can't miss her, she's got a cock!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29CHEERING
0:04:29 > 0:04:31I've been all over this year. I've been really lucky.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34My mum had a big birthday last year, so I took her on safari.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37How nice is that? WHOOPING
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Took her on safari. My other half wanted to go.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41It's expensive, though, isn't it? It's expensive.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43My other half wanted to come.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47I said, "No, just watch it on Skype, it'll be like you're there!"
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Dressed my mum up in an animal onesie, "Look how close they are!"
0:04:50 > 0:04:53LAUGHTER
0:04:53 > 0:04:56No, it's funny, me and my mum, we went to Africa, yeah,
0:04:56 > 0:05:00and we went to the resort, went to the hut, opened the hut door,
0:05:00 > 0:05:05massive double bed, written in rose petals, "Alan and Christine."
0:05:05 > 0:05:07LAUGHTER
0:05:07 > 0:05:10HE RETCHES
0:05:11 > 0:05:13So we ended up making love.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16LAUGHTER No, we did not! No, we did not!
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Well, the ranger knocks on the door and says,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22"Do you and your mum want to stalk a rhino?"
0:05:22 > 0:05:24No, it's not what you're thinking.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26"What are you wearing? I'm outside." No.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33It's when you follow a rhino on foot through the bushes and shit,
0:05:33 > 0:05:35like this, yeah?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37I didn't know if I wanted to do this with my mum because me
0:05:37 > 0:05:38and my mum have got beef, right?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40When I was growing up, I was in the garden
0:05:40 > 0:05:43and a bee came in the garden and my mum went,
0:05:43 > 0:05:46"Alan! Pretend to be a flower!"
0:05:46 > 0:05:49LAUGHTER
0:05:49 > 0:05:51"And it will buzz away!"
0:05:51 > 0:05:54When you think about it, bees love flowers, don't they?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57That's twisted shit!
0:05:57 > 0:06:00And I'm going on safari with this woman?!
0:06:00 > 0:06:03"Look, Alan, there's a lion. Pretend to be a leg of lamb!"
0:06:03 > 0:06:05LAUGHTER
0:06:10 > 0:06:12So I'm with the ranger, yeah,
0:06:12 > 0:06:14and he starts telling us about stalking a rhino.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18"Obviously when you approach the beast, if there's any sudden
0:06:18 > 0:06:23"movement or noise, just make small, comfortable steps, like this,
0:06:23 > 0:06:25"back to the jeep with no sound, like so."
0:06:28 > 0:06:30HE HUMS "SINGLE LADIES"
0:06:30 > 0:06:32LAUGHTER
0:06:34 > 0:06:35I got all cocky. I went,
0:06:35 > 0:06:38"Hello? Of course I'm going to do that, I'm not a moron!
0:06:38 > 0:06:42"Of course I'm going to make small, comfortable steps back to the jeep!
0:06:42 > 0:06:44"Do you think I'm a dickhead?"
0:06:44 > 0:06:46LAUGHTER
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Next day, me and my mum are walking up to this rhino,
0:06:48 > 0:06:50like this, through the bushes.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52All of a sudden, it turns around and goes...
0:06:52 > 0:06:54HE GRUNTS LOUDLY
0:06:54 > 0:06:55I went...
0:06:55 > 0:06:57HIGH-PITCHED: "Aaaaaaargh!"
0:06:57 > 0:06:58LAUGHTER
0:06:58 > 0:07:00I ran! I ran!
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Not only did I run, I pushed my mum in front of it!
0:07:06 > 0:07:08I ran in Crocs. That's hard.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Cos that ain't my idea of fun, do you know what I'm saying?
0:07:16 > 0:07:20The closest I've come to death is nearly choking on a Berocca.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25My idea of brave is to keep my iPod on shuffle at a party. That's brave.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27LAUGHTER
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Why does everything have to be extreme?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31That's what gets me, do you know what I mean?
0:07:31 > 0:07:33What's on the telly these days? What do we have?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Extreme Fishing With Robson Green.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39What else? Extreme Makeover, what else?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41- WOMAN IN AUDIENCE:- Couponing!
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Extreme Couponing!
0:07:43 > 0:07:45That show is shit, but it's like crack, ain't it?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Does anyone watch it?
0:07:47 > 0:07:48LAUGHTER I know!
0:07:48 > 0:07:50You go, "Who watches this shit?"
0:07:50 > 0:07:51Cut to four o'clock in the morning -
0:07:51 > 0:07:54"Will she ever spend those coupons on bleach?"
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Extreme Weather. Weather's extreme, isn't it?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02You know who's loving the extreme weather, don't you?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05The weather forecasters. They're loving the drama.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Who's that one, BBC weather in the morning? Scottish woman?
0:08:09 > 0:08:10Carol!
0:08:10 > 0:08:13She's loving it, the extreme weather.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16She's dishing out advice now, have you seen her?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19HE IMITATES: "It's going to rain today, so I'd wear a coat."
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Thanks, Carol.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29What about when they start telling you the weather
0:08:29 > 0:08:31that's happening at the minute, have you seen that?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33HE IMITATES: "It's sunny outside."
0:08:33 > 0:08:34Aw, thanks, Carol, I wondered
0:08:34 > 0:08:37what that fucking window was for!
0:08:41 > 0:08:42Innit!
0:08:42 > 0:08:45What about when they tell you the weather that's happening at night?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Who gives a shit?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Who gives a shit?!
0:08:49 > 0:08:51HE IMITATES: "It's going to rain at one in the morning."
0:08:51 > 0:08:52Who cares?!
0:08:53 > 0:08:56What, you ever get a load of prostitutes going,
0:08:56 > 0:08:57"I'll be packing my waders."
0:09:00 > 0:09:02APPLAUSE
0:09:07 > 0:09:10I'm glad people are discussing extreme weather. Are you?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12People are saying, "Look after the elderly,
0:09:12 > 0:09:14"get water in, get sandbags, get food."
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Cos, when I was growing up and we had extreme weather,
0:09:17 > 0:09:19we were just told to go out and play!
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Remember your mum? "Go out and play!"
0:09:23 > 0:09:25A cow blows past the window!
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Hail stones, hurricanes, tsunamis, I'd be outside.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35If you didn't come back with a wind chime embedded in your face,
0:09:35 > 0:09:36you hadn't lived!
0:09:37 > 0:09:41I know it was bloody cold back then, you look at my school photos.
0:09:41 > 0:09:451984 to 1990, cold sore, pow!
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Every year, cold sore, pow!
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Right there in the middle of my big, round, pasty-white face.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55If I wore a metallic ruff, I'd look like a Cherry Bakewell.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02The thing is, with cold sores,
0:10:02 > 0:10:05if I had a hump on my back or a hairy mole, no-one would have mentioned it.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Cold sores, people start sucking their teeth, pointing, don't they?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11HE INHALES SHARPLY
0:10:11 > 0:10:13"Ooh!
0:10:13 > 0:10:16"Is that a cold sore?"
0:10:16 > 0:10:19"No, me bindi slipped! What do you think?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21"What do you think?"
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Then they start dropping the H-bomb, don't they?
0:10:29 > 0:10:32"Ooh, that's herpes." Whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Why are you mentioning...? Why drag it down to that level?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40You wouldn't go up to someone who's got a chipped nail,
0:10:40 > 0:10:43"Why, was you wanking off a tramp? Oh, sorry!"
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Sorry, just asking, I just thought I'd ask.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Does anyone here actually suffer with cold sores?
0:10:52 > 0:10:53CROWD RESPONDS QUIETLY
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Woman at the back in a crash helmet, "Yeah."
0:10:59 > 0:11:02I mean, if you have got skin disorders...
0:11:02 > 0:11:03Can you listen to this?
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Hammersmith, will you listen to this, please? My friend...
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Well, she's not my friend, she's a friend of a friend.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11She drinks her own urine.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12AUDIENCE GROANS
0:11:12 > 0:11:17Listen, her skin is amazing, her skin is to die for.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Her breath bloody stinks, but...
0:11:21 > 0:11:23People throw stones at her in the street and call her a witch.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25But her skin - mwah!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29I mean, I'm having a laugh about this,
0:11:29 > 0:11:30but I've had cold sores all my life.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33And it gets me down, it gets me depressed.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36I've tried everything, lotions, potions, pills, you name it,
0:11:36 > 0:11:38I've done whatever to get rid of it.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39This is how desperate I got.
0:11:39 > 0:11:44I went to one of those fish pedicure places. And...
0:11:44 > 0:11:47AUDIENCE MURMURS
0:11:47 > 0:11:49I distracted the woman, and I bobbed.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54"Bite it, bite it!"
0:11:57 > 0:11:58It came off, I had a verruca.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05That would just be my luck, honestly. Athlete's foot. No!
0:12:07 > 0:12:09I mentioned school photos before.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12You can't explain to this iPhone generation, can you,
0:12:12 > 0:12:13about school photos?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15That was your one photo.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17You take photos now every minute of the day.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19That was your one photo.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21If that school photo was shit, you had a shit year.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Right? That photo was good, you had a good year, yeah?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30It's all right, you with your iPhones now, deleting, rotating,
0:12:30 > 0:12:31putting your different filters on. Sepia?
0:12:31 > 0:12:36Why anyone would choose sepia? Why choose sepia?
0:12:36 > 0:12:40Why do you want to look like you've got jaundice? Why?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43"Here's me at Chessington World Of Adventure. With liver failure."
0:12:48 > 0:12:50School photos, you could not mess it up.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54You'd stand in a line outside the classroom, stand in a line.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Psht! "Next." Psht! "Next." Psht! "Next." Psht! "Next." Psht! "Next."
0:12:58 > 0:13:001987, I sneezed.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06I said, "Can I take it again?" "No. Next."
0:13:06 > 0:13:09"I can't look like that!"
0:13:09 > 0:13:11And every member of your family bought it, didn't it?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Every house you'd go to, I'd be on the mantelpiece...
0:13:19 > 0:13:22This was the '80s. What you looked like was what you looked like.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25No Photoshopping and all that, airbrushing, shit like that, no.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29Plastic surgery? No. What you looked like was what you looked like.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31And I think we all owe it to ourselves
0:13:31 > 0:13:33to make ourselves look a bit better, don't we?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36We can all do little bits to make ourselves look better.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38I'm not having a go, girls, I'm not.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40But you know the women who have the hairy face?
0:13:40 > 0:13:44No. You know the women with the five o'clock shadow? You know?
0:13:44 > 0:13:49They go, "Well, if I shave it, it'll only come back twice as thick."
0:13:49 > 0:13:52And you're like, "Well, have a go.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58"Don't give up hope just yet.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00"You look like an Ewok. Shave."
0:14:00 > 0:14:01LAUGHTER
0:14:05 > 0:14:06I mentioned iPhones there.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08And I don't want to drag the night down,
0:14:08 > 0:14:10cos we've got some great guests coming on.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11But my friend who's a teacher,
0:14:11 > 0:14:14she was telling me that some of the kids
0:14:14 > 0:14:19in her class have been using their iPhone to take photos of their, um...
0:14:19 > 0:14:21HE MUMBLES: ..private parts.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23I don't want to be rude cos it's a BBC Two show.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25HE MUMBLES: Private parts.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Some of the kids have been taking photos of their private parts
0:14:28 > 0:14:30and sending them on the iPhone to all the kids in the class.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33I thought, "Isn't that sad?"
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Because, in my day,
0:14:34 > 0:14:36A, I didn't have the inclination to do that.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39And, B, I didn't have a camera on my phone.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42So, if I wanted to show the whole class my knob, I'd have to trace it
0:14:42 > 0:14:46with some Izal toilet paper and stick it on an overhead projector.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51"Thank you - my knob."
0:14:51 > 0:14:53APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:14:53 > 0:14:54"Thank you.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56"My knob.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59"My knob. Thank you."
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Oh, my God, I'm on a loop. My knob. Shit, I can't stop. My knob.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08HE GIGGLES
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Well, Hammersmith, I think you've been warmed up very nicely.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Are you in the mood for some top-notch comedy?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Good.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Well, please give a wonderful Hammersmith welcome
0:15:21 > 0:15:24to the fantastic Francesca Martinez!
0:15:26 > 0:15:28APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:15:33 > 0:15:34CHEERING
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Wow.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Hello, Apollo!
0:15:47 > 0:15:49CHEERING
0:15:49 > 0:15:51It's so great to be here.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54So, guys, I am wobbly!
0:15:54 > 0:15:55LAUGHTER
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Don't you love the word "wobbly"?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00It's quite cool, isn't it? I love it!
0:16:00 > 0:16:06I think that we should have more positive names for conditions.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09You know, like, instead of something really horrible
0:16:09 > 0:16:14like "schizophrenic," why don't we just say "overly imaginative"?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19"Claustrophobic" - nature lover.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24"Mentally retarded" - Katie Hopkins.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27APPLAUSE
0:16:32 > 0:16:35I actually drove here tonight.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39It's amazing. I'm wobbly, but I can drive.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41You know, when they told me I could drive,
0:16:41 > 0:16:43I was like, "Are you sure?!"
0:16:45 > 0:16:48But I can. I don't know how I do, but I do.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Anyway, get this, yeah, totally true, a few weeks ago,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55I'm getting into my car,
0:16:55 > 0:16:59and this taxi driver pulled up right beside me.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03And he says, "Don't do it, love."
0:17:03 > 0:17:04LAUGHTER
0:17:06 > 0:17:08And I'm like, "Do what?"
0:17:08 > 0:17:10and he goes, "Don't drink and drive."
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Yeah. Can you believe that?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18I was going, "Mr Cabbie,
0:17:18 > 0:17:23"just cos I'm a bit shaky, and I walk a bit funny,
0:17:23 > 0:17:26"and I've got puke down my front..."
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Cos it's weird, guys,
0:17:31 > 0:17:35when you're wobbly, right, people ask you really crazy stuff.
0:17:35 > 0:17:41Like, I've had men asking me, "Are you shaky during sex?"
0:17:41 > 0:17:45And I was like, "Well, that depends on how good you are, mate."
0:17:45 > 0:17:47LAUGHTER
0:17:49 > 0:17:51CHEERING
0:17:54 > 0:17:58But, despite that joke, I am a hopeless romantic.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Boys are amazing, aren't they?
0:18:01 > 0:18:06And my perfect man has always been a poor Irish poet.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I love the accent.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10And the poverty.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13This is totally true.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17I met my boyfriend nine years ago, in Dublin.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20And he opened his mouth and I was like, "Yeah, that'll do."
0:18:20 > 0:18:22LAUGHTER
0:18:22 > 0:18:25I remember when we first got together,
0:18:25 > 0:18:26quite a lot of people said,
0:18:26 > 0:18:29"Oh, my God, it's amazing that
0:18:29 > 0:18:33"you're going out with someone different. Well done."
0:18:33 > 0:18:35I was like, "He's only Irish!"
0:18:35 > 0:18:38LAUGHTER
0:18:38 > 0:18:42But we're very happy, and we're thinking about having babies...
0:18:42 > 0:18:44- MILD CHEERING - ..cos I love... Thank you!
0:18:44 > 0:18:46CHEERING INTENSIFIES
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Yeah, I love them.
0:18:48 > 0:18:54But I'm not quite ready for babies yet because I love my life.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57LAUGHTER
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Luckily, guys, you'll be pleased to know
0:18:59 > 0:19:04I have found a brilliant form of contraception. Oh, yes.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07It's when I put a condom on my boyfriend,
0:19:07 > 0:19:10because, the amount my hand's shaking,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12it's all over before it begins.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17APPLAUSE
0:19:23 > 0:19:26But, you know what, seriously, I love being wobbly.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30I see myself as totally normal, you know?
0:19:30 > 0:19:35But it was interesting because apparently when I was a baby,
0:19:35 > 0:19:41the doctor told my parents that I would never lead a normal life.
0:19:41 > 0:19:46I was like, "Who wants a normal life? I want an amazing life."
0:19:46 > 0:19:49ENTHUSIASTIC CHEERING
0:19:51 > 0:19:53My family are great.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57They've made me feel really loved and very confident.
0:19:57 > 0:20:02I really loved school. I was just having so much fun.
0:20:02 > 0:20:08By the way, I found out recently that my old junior school
0:20:08 > 0:20:11is now sponsored by McDonald's.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14It's awful, isn't it?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17The kids are learning the alphabet,
0:20:17 > 0:20:19like, R is for Ronald McDonald.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21I was so shocked.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23I thought, "Where will it end?"
0:20:23 > 0:20:30Will you have books for dyslexic kids sponsored by FCUK?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32LAUGHTER
0:20:32 > 0:20:36But school was great, right? And I loved it.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39But then I hit the age of 11
0:20:39 > 0:20:44and there was a lot of pressure on me to go to a special school.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47And I don't mean Eton. Oh, no.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51My parents didn't want this,
0:20:51 > 0:20:55because they didn't want me being defined by what I couldn't do.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57So they fought really hard
0:20:57 > 0:21:02and they got me into a mainstream all-girls school.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05And then it was shit.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09God, the girls in my class hated me.
0:21:09 > 0:21:14And it was little things - like, when we were 16, my friends...
0:21:14 > 0:21:17I say friends - bitches.
0:21:18 > 0:21:24Oh, by the way, they all want to be my friend on Facebook now. Fuck off!
0:21:24 > 0:21:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Did I say that out loud?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Calm down! OK.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Where was I?
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Yeah, so, they used to say stuff like,
0:21:43 > 0:21:47"Francesca, no-one will ever go out with you.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51"Well, apart from someone like Jesus."
0:21:51 > 0:21:53LAUGHTER
0:21:53 > 0:21:56I'd be like, "Hm, who would I prefer?
0:21:56 > 0:22:01"Jesus, son of God, or your boyfriend, Barry?
0:22:01 > 0:22:04"Son of...no-one knows, really."
0:22:06 > 0:22:10So, guys, I hated school, but, luckily,
0:22:10 > 0:22:13I got a part on Grange Hill.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16And this was amazing, cos they rescued me
0:22:16 > 0:22:20from that high school hell, and I made friends,
0:22:20 > 0:22:22and there were real boys.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24It was great.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26And it was so much fun.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30They used to film Top Of The Pops there, yeah?
0:22:30 > 0:22:34And one day, I came out of my dressing room,
0:22:34 > 0:22:37and David Bowie was standing there.
0:22:37 > 0:22:43Now, we were always told to act really normal around the celebs,
0:22:43 > 0:22:46so I just said to him, "All right, Dave?"
0:22:46 > 0:22:48LAUGHTER
0:22:48 > 0:22:53And he said, "Oh, my God, it's Rachel from Grange Hill!"
0:22:53 > 0:22:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:00 > 0:23:05I said, "Calm down, Dave. We're all human."
0:23:05 > 0:23:11So Rachel kind of gave me that self-confidence.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13I just felt better about myself,
0:23:13 > 0:23:17although some jobs can be harder to get
0:23:17 > 0:23:18if you're wobbly.
0:23:18 > 0:23:23Like, this is odd, but some of the panel shows in this country
0:23:23 > 0:23:28won't book me because they tell me I'm too scary.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31SHE ROARS
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Seriously, they say stuff like,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36"Francesca, we do think you're funny,
0:23:36 > 0:23:40"but we think it might make the audience nervous."
0:23:40 > 0:23:43I'm like, "You have Frankie Boyle on!"
0:23:43 > 0:23:45APPLAUSE
0:23:49 > 0:23:55The thing is, guys, I really don't think happiness comes from being
0:23:55 > 0:23:58able-bodied or fitting in.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01I think it comes from being loved
0:24:01 > 0:24:04and really appreciating what you have.
0:24:04 > 0:24:09Cos, let's face it, it took us billions of years
0:24:09 > 0:24:11to be here right now, didn't it?
0:24:11 > 0:24:16We should just all be so delighted to be alive,
0:24:16 > 0:24:19and here's my tip for being happy, right?
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Lower your expectations!
0:24:22 > 0:24:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Thank you. Good night.
0:24:33 > 0:24:38CHEERING
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Francesca Martinez!
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Fantastic. Absolutely brilliant.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57I think we should keep the laughs coming. Do you agree?
0:24:57 > 0:24:58CHEERING
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Well, give a fantastic Hammersmith welcome
0:25:01 > 0:25:04to the amazing Nish Kumar!
0:25:04 > 0:25:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. How are you? You all right?
0:25:20 > 0:25:22CHEERING
0:25:22 > 0:25:26Great to be here. Lovely to see you all. I feel great.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28This is going to go very well.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31This is a big year for me. Big year.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Cos I turn 30 this year. I'm 30 years old!
0:25:33 > 0:25:35CHEERING
0:25:35 > 0:25:37And the big year did not get off to a great start.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40In February, my mother said, "Nish, there's a problem with your comedy."
0:25:40 > 0:25:42I said, "What is the problem with my comedy?"
0:25:42 > 0:25:44She said, "Well, you're a left-wing comedian."
0:25:44 > 0:25:46I said, "Why is that a problem?"
0:25:46 > 0:25:49She said, "Well, all comedians are left-wing. It's boring."
0:25:49 > 0:25:53Now, here's the thing. I have no idea if all comedians are left-wing.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56I've not done the research. Hold my hands up, right?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58But I have a theory.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01I think it is hard to write right-wing comedy.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06And I know, because I've been trying.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07LAUGHTER
0:26:07 > 0:26:10This is the best I could come up with for right-wing comedy.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13"Hey, don't you hate it when you start earning over £100,000 a year
0:26:13 > 0:26:17"and you move up an income tax bracket?"
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Doesn't work!
0:26:19 > 0:26:21ONE PERSON CLAPS
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Here's the thing... One person applauding!
0:26:23 > 0:26:26One very rich person being, like, "Yeah.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29"Thank you for articulating my pain."
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Here's the thing. All I think is going on is stand-up comedy
0:26:34 > 0:26:38is an art form wherein it's easier to express left-wing political beliefs.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39I think it's just easier.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42That's why it feels like all comedians are left-wing.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45But if you look over the entire cultural spectrum, it balances itself out,
0:26:45 > 0:26:48because I think there's as much stuff that's inherently left-wing
0:26:48 > 0:26:49as there is inherently right-wing.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53Cos I would argue, as much as no-one wants to see a right-wing comedian these days,
0:26:53 > 0:26:56even fewer people want to watch a left-wing action film.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Like, I am left-wing, and I love action films,
0:26:59 > 0:27:03but I have no desire to watch a left-wing action film.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05I have no desire to watch the Avengers
0:27:05 > 0:27:07apply to the UN Security Council
0:27:07 > 0:27:10to pass a resolution so that they can fight Ultron.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12I don't want to watch Iron Man get bogged down
0:27:12 > 0:27:14in a diplomatic quagmire.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Largely because that was the plot of Iron Man 2
0:27:17 > 0:27:18and it was a shit film.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21APPLAUSE
0:27:21 > 0:27:25But I think it's great that culture finds a way of balancing itself out.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Left-wing people have some stuff, right-wing people have some stuff.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Left-wing people have comedy, right-wing people have action movies.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Left-wing people have folk music - of course they do,
0:27:34 > 0:27:37cos a right-wing folk song would be harrowing.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39A right-wing folk song is basically,
0:27:39 > 0:27:41# My dad works in a factory
0:27:41 > 0:27:42# The factory closed down
0:27:42 > 0:27:45# But it was unprofitable, so GOOD. #
0:27:45 > 0:27:47LAUGHTER
0:27:47 > 0:27:51That is not something anyone wants to see.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54No-one wants to listen to Mumford And His Nazi Sons, right?
0:27:54 > 0:27:56LAUGHTER
0:27:56 > 0:27:59But I think it's great that culture finds a way of balancing itself out.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Left-wing people have some stuff, right-wing people have some stuff.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Left-wing people have comedy and folk music,
0:28:04 > 0:28:07right-wing people have action movies and board games.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Because when I was growing up, the board game I played most often...
0:28:10 > 0:28:13I now think it's insane we allow children to play this game.
0:28:13 > 0:28:18I'm talking, of course, about Monopoly.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22I cannot believe Monopoly is a game.
0:28:22 > 0:28:27First of all, it's called Monopoly.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29That is a financial crime
0:28:29 > 0:28:31we have governmental bodies designed to prevent.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34There are no games named other financial crimes.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37There's no Embezzlement Ball,
0:28:37 > 0:28:40or, "Hey, kids, build your own Lego Ponzi scheme!"
0:28:40 > 0:28:43People are worried about Grand Theft Auto -
0:28:43 > 0:28:47Monopoly reinforces a right-wing way of running our economy as the right way to do so.
0:28:47 > 0:28:48Cos all the public works -
0:28:48 > 0:28:50the electric company, the train station -
0:28:50 > 0:28:51you can just buy them!
0:28:51 > 0:28:54And the more of them you own, the more money you make!
0:28:54 > 0:28:56What happens if you go to jail?
0:28:56 > 0:28:59Nothing, as long as you can afford to bribe your way out!
0:28:59 > 0:29:02CHEERING
0:29:08 > 0:29:10And the worst thing that can happen to you
0:29:10 > 0:29:13when you go round a Monopoly board is you land on the square
0:29:13 > 0:29:15that says, "Pay your tax."
0:29:15 > 0:29:20What kind of message are we setting for children?
0:29:20 > 0:29:23I was playing Monopoly with my eight-year-old cousin the other day,
0:29:23 > 0:29:24and he went, "No!"
0:29:24 > 0:29:27And I said, "What?" And he went, "Tax!"
0:29:27 > 0:29:29And I was like, "Great, there he goes.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32"Future investment banker in our midst, that's absolutely ideal."
0:29:33 > 0:29:37And I know that there are a lot of board games that have weird messages
0:29:37 > 0:29:39and send kids strange messages.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41Battleships is basically telling children
0:29:41 > 0:29:45the best way to fight a war is when you can't see where you're shooting.
0:29:45 > 0:29:48Snakes And Ladders is basically encouraging animal cruelty,
0:29:48 > 0:29:49and chess, if you think about it,
0:29:49 > 0:29:53basically just promotes slow, tactical racism. So...
0:29:53 > 0:29:56LAUGHTER
0:30:02 > 0:30:05I am aware that a lot of board games send out strange messages.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08But I believe with Monopoly, it's an easy fix.
0:30:08 > 0:30:10I think it would be very easy to bring Monopoly
0:30:10 > 0:30:12back into the political centre ground.
0:30:12 > 0:30:15All you have to do is add a third deck of cards,
0:30:15 > 0:30:17cos at the moment when you get Monopoly, you get two decks.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19You get Chance and Community Chest.
0:30:19 > 0:30:23I suggest we add a third deck of cards called Consequence.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25So we can teach these little turds
0:30:25 > 0:30:29something about real-world economics.
0:30:29 > 0:30:32And the Consequence cards could be anything - for example,
0:30:32 > 0:30:35"Your hotels are vandalised by a group of youths who have had
0:30:35 > 0:30:38"their community centre closed down due to governmental cutbacks.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41"Pay £50,000."
0:30:41 > 0:30:44"You have to employ a private security service
0:30:44 > 0:30:47"due to soaring crime rates caused by the underfunding of the police force and
0:30:47 > 0:30:50"the long-term social consequence of the economic inequality
0:30:50 > 0:30:52"that's fuelled your rise as a property mogul.
0:30:52 > 0:30:55"Pay £250,000."
0:30:55 > 0:30:57"You fall in a crack in the road
0:30:57 > 0:31:00"that has not been fixed due to underinvestment.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02"You go to the local hospital, but it has closed down.
0:31:02 > 0:31:04"Your foot falls off.
0:31:04 > 0:31:06"Please go to collect £100.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09"It would have been 200, but we cut disability benefits."
0:31:09 > 0:31:12LAUGHTER
0:31:24 > 0:31:27LAUGHTER
0:31:28 > 0:31:30I'm very clever.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33LAUGHTER
0:31:33 > 0:31:35That's the real message of this act, guys.
0:31:37 > 0:31:38My ego has got out of hand.
0:31:40 > 0:31:45I know you know, because of this, but you have no idea.
0:31:45 > 0:31:47A couple of days ago, I was having a coffee with my friend.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50I was talking to him, and, as I was speaking,
0:31:50 > 0:31:51I lost my train of thought
0:31:51 > 0:31:53and the reason I lost my train of thought is because
0:31:53 > 0:31:55as I was speaking, in my head I started thinking,
0:31:55 > 0:31:58"Well, I'm being very interesting here."
0:31:58 > 0:32:01LAUGHTER
0:32:01 > 0:32:03I'm so interesting, I'm intellectually stimulating,
0:32:03 > 0:32:05I'm a great laugh.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07I'm jealous of people who get to meet me, that's the thing!
0:32:07 > 0:32:09LAUGHTER
0:32:09 > 0:32:11I'll tell you one more story then I'll leave you.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13Two years ago, I was going to do some gigs in Australia
0:32:13 > 0:32:16and I was going to do them as part of a massive comedy festival.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19Now, sometimes when you're going to do gigs at a big comedy festival,
0:32:19 > 0:32:22they don't have time to interview all the comedians individually,
0:32:22 > 0:32:24so what they will do is send out Q&As. Now, these are all
0:32:24 > 0:32:26the same questions, everyone gets them
0:32:26 > 0:32:30and they're all boring questions like, "Where are you from? Who are your favourite comedians?"
0:32:30 > 0:32:33Then they'll have wacky questions. I've no idea why journalists do this,
0:32:33 > 0:32:36they feel the need to ask comedians wacky questions like, "Oh!"
0:32:36 > 0:32:38EXAGGERATED GIGGLE
0:32:38 > 0:32:40- MOCK ACCENT:- "If your comedy show was a dog,
0:32:40 > 0:32:41"what kind of dog would it be?"
0:32:41 > 0:32:43LAUGHTER
0:32:43 > 0:32:45"I'm so wacky!"
0:32:46 > 0:32:49"Maybe I should be a comedian! What? Shut up." Now...
0:32:49 > 0:32:50LAUGHTER
0:32:53 > 0:32:54I was filling one of these things in,
0:32:54 > 0:32:56and I'm excited to do it cos I get to go to Australia,
0:32:56 > 0:32:59it's very exciting, and I'm filling one of these things in
0:32:59 > 0:33:01and I get down to a question that's been personalised for me.
0:33:01 > 0:33:05It's in a different font, so I know it's been added to an existing document,
0:33:05 > 0:33:07and the question that they had personalised for me was,
0:33:07 > 0:33:11"How come Christians are allowed to draw pictures of their prophets and Muslims aren't?"
0:33:11 > 0:33:14APPREHENSIVE LAUGHTER
0:33:18 > 0:33:21To which the obvious answer is...I have no idea.
0:33:21 > 0:33:22LAUGHTER
0:33:22 > 0:33:24My parents are Hindus.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28APPLAUSE
0:33:31 > 0:33:33I mean, either one of two things has happened.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36Either they've seen that I've got a foreign name and thought,
0:33:36 > 0:33:38"Must be a Muzzer, definite Muzzer.
0:33:38 > 0:33:41"Nish Kumar is a classic Muzzer name."
0:33:41 > 0:33:44Or they think we have non-white people meetings where we
0:33:44 > 0:33:46assemble, set the non-white agenda for the year
0:33:46 > 0:33:48and then retire to a screening room
0:33:48 > 0:33:50where we watch a DVD of Boyz N The Hood, and...
0:33:50 > 0:33:52LAUGHTER
0:33:52 > 0:33:54Let me tell you something, ladies and gentlemen,
0:33:54 > 0:33:57I told that joke on stage in a small countryside town in England.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59The audience was entirely comprised of nervous,
0:33:59 > 0:34:01middle-aged white people, me,
0:34:01 > 0:34:05and then one black man who was sat at an angle so the whole audience
0:34:05 > 0:34:08could see him, presumably because they were keeping an eye on him...
0:34:08 > 0:34:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:34:11 > 0:34:13..and this guy decided to have a bit of fun,
0:34:13 > 0:34:16because when I mentioned non-white people meetings,
0:34:16 > 0:34:19he looked at the rest of the sort of assembled, nervous throng to make
0:34:19 > 0:34:20sure they were staring at him,
0:34:20 > 0:34:23and then in full view, he looked at me and just went...
0:34:24 > 0:34:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:34:30 > 0:34:33You have not lived until you've seen a roomful of middle-aged
0:34:33 > 0:34:36white people simultaneously shit their pants.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39They came out for an evening of entertainment
0:34:39 > 0:34:41and ended up at the epicentre of the revolution.
0:34:41 > 0:34:43- LAUGHTER - So, I didn't know what to put.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45Obviously this is an inflammatory subject,
0:34:45 > 0:34:48so I just put, "Oh, my parents are Hindus. I don't know."
0:34:48 > 0:34:50But I felt bad, because I felt that was a cop-out answer.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53They don't have the right to ask me those kind of questions.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55My Muslim friends wouldn't know the answer to that,
0:34:55 > 0:34:57no-one knows the answer to that, right?
0:34:57 > 0:35:00But the rest of the questions didn't really leave much room for any sort
0:35:00 > 0:35:01of debate, cos the next question was,
0:35:01 > 0:35:04"Oh, if your comedy show was grass, would you feed it to a horse?"
0:35:04 > 0:35:07And you go, "You can't jump back into whimsy after you just
0:35:07 > 0:35:10"asked me a serious theological question!"
0:35:10 > 0:35:13But then the last question left some room for improvisation
0:35:13 > 0:35:16cos the last question wasn't a question, it was a task.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19They had written the first half of a joke and we had to supply
0:35:19 > 0:35:22the second-half and everyone was supposed to answer it in a different way.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25It gives some flavour of the comedy you do, that sort of thing.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27The first half of the joke they had written was,
0:35:27 > 0:35:31"A book walks into a bar and sees a bookcase."
0:35:31 > 0:35:33And this is how I finished the joke...
0:35:33 > 0:35:37A book walks into a bar and sees a bookcase.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40The book says, "Hey, bookcase,
0:35:40 > 0:35:44"how come Christians are allowed to draw pictures of their prophets and Muslims aren't?"
0:35:44 > 0:35:45APPLAUSE
0:35:45 > 0:35:51And the bookcase said, "I don't know. I am a bookcase,
0:35:51 > 0:35:56"and, as such, have no knowledge of the intricacies of Islamic theology.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59"I assume you're asking me because I am a brown bookcase?
0:36:00 > 0:36:02"In which case, go to hell."
0:36:02 > 0:36:04APPLAUSE
0:36:04 > 0:36:06Ladies and gentlemen, it has been a pleasure speaking to you.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08My name is Nish. Goodbye.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11CHEERING
0:36:14 > 0:36:17Nish Kumar, everyone!
0:36:17 > 0:36:19Did you enjoy that?
0:36:19 > 0:36:21Fantastic stuff. Absolutely fantastic.
0:36:24 > 0:36:26Have you had a good time tonight, Hammersmith?
0:36:26 > 0:36:27CHEERING
0:36:27 > 0:36:30Well, give it up for the acts you've seen tonight.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32You've seen the fantastic Francesca Martinez.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34CHEERING
0:36:34 > 0:36:37And the brilliant Nish Kumar.
0:36:37 > 0:36:38CHEERING
0:36:38 > 0:36:40Fantastic stuff. And I've been Alan Carr.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43Thank you, take care, good night!