0:00:04 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:18 > 0:00:22Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Dara O Briain.
0:00:25 > 0:00:26CHEERING
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Thank you very much! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Welcome to Live At The Apollo.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Are you in good form? CHEERING
0:00:43 > 0:00:44Fantastic. Huge crowd here.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47It's a particular pleasure to be back on the stage here at the Apollo.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49A few years since I've been doing this,
0:00:49 > 0:00:50and since I've been touring.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Well, not long, three years. But you do, as a performer go,
0:00:53 > 0:00:56"Will it have changed as I travel around, around the UK, just touring
0:00:56 > 0:00:59"the place, will people have changed, will the country...?
0:00:59 > 0:01:02One thing has changed since I last the last tour...
0:01:02 > 0:01:06There's a lot more pulled pork then there was three years ago.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10Where did the pulled pork appear from and how did we survive
0:01:10 > 0:01:12until now without it?
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Every menu, in every restaurant...
0:01:15 > 0:01:18"Do you want a bit of pulled pork with that? Have a bit of pulled pork. We'll slide a bit
0:01:18 > 0:01:21"of pulled pork into that, go on. You want a bit of pulled pork,
0:01:21 > 0:01:22"have a bit of pulled pork. Have a bit..."
0:01:22 > 0:01:24"It is a cheesecake.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28"It will not benefit in any way from the addition of pulled pork."
0:01:29 > 0:01:31One thing that happened... You're touring now,
0:01:31 > 0:01:32a bit older, kind of going,
0:01:32 > 0:01:34"What are we going to pass on to the next generation?"
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Particularly what do we teach our kids?
0:01:36 > 0:01:38I'm kind of in the middle of all that at the moment.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39I'm not going to give out...
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Anyone who's a teacher or in schools or any of that,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44good stuff, fantastic, good for you. LONE CHEER
0:01:44 > 0:01:45One of you out tonight.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48The rest off marking. So...
0:01:49 > 0:01:52It's not the stuff you teach. The stuff that we teach, right,
0:01:52 > 0:01:55I just find it bizarre. The preschool syllabus.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58The stuff that as parents you're supposed to drum into a kid's head.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59The stuff from nought to three.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02The stuff that presumably we as a society have decided
0:02:02 > 0:02:05is the fundamental, the bedrock information
0:02:05 > 0:02:07that we've got to drum into these...
0:02:07 > 0:02:10That syllabus is un-evolved.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14The amount of effort I put into teaching animal noises...
0:02:15 > 0:02:20..and pairing the same farm animal to the same farm animal noise to
0:02:20 > 0:02:23two children who live in the middle of London...
0:02:25 > 0:02:28At no stage is a cow going to wander randomly into the house,
0:02:28 > 0:02:31and them go, "Oh, my God, a cow. Baaah!"
0:02:31 > 0:02:34And me to go, "You fucking eejit.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38"It's a cow! We've been training for this situation for years now."
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Animal noises and ABCs.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45For those of you either before this or beyond this, ABCs are those
0:02:45 > 0:02:49big, thick-page books with one word per page in alphabetical order,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51and they make perfect sense at the start of the book.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Oh, they're magical at the beginning of the book.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56But when you get to the back of the book,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59when you start doing the freak letters,
0:02:59 > 0:03:02you're putting the same amount of effort into teaching words
0:03:02 > 0:03:05to your children that you as an adult know well
0:03:05 > 0:03:08they will never get to use as an adult.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09Xylophone.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13The hours you spend... Look at the xylophone. Look at the xylophone.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Hardly a day goes by as an adult where somebody doesn't come up going,
0:03:16 > 0:03:18"Dara, have you got your xylophone on you?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20"I left my xylophone behind on a bus
0:03:20 > 0:03:23"and I've got a major xylophone-based event coming up this evening."
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Some day I would like to meet a professional xylophone player
0:03:28 > 0:03:32just to go, "How did you get into the xylophone?"
0:03:32 > 0:03:35In the off chance that they'll go, "Well, in my house, when I was
0:03:35 > 0:03:42"growing up, the xylophone was just as important as apple, ball or cat."
0:03:43 > 0:03:46And I'll go, "And is your sister a xylophone player?"
0:03:46 > 0:03:48"No, she's an X-ray technician."
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Cos they're only two words you can use.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54You can only use xylophone and X-ray.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56You can not use a third word beginning with X.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58What is the third word beginning with X?
0:03:58 > 0:04:02- MAN:- Xenophobe!- Xenophobia, well done, chap. Very good.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Xenophobia is the third word beginning with X.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Xenophobia, the irrational fear of foreigners.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11I would give anything
0:04:11 > 0:04:17to have an ABC in which the word for X was xenophobia.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Just to turn that page and go, "Look at those faces.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27"They're different, aren't they, those faces?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31"How does that make you feel inside?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35"You're not sure how it makes you feel inside?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37"You don't know what they want?
0:04:37 > 0:04:38"They want your job."
0:04:38 > 0:04:40LAUGHTER
0:04:40 > 0:04:42APPLAUSE
0:04:46 > 0:04:50I haven't ABC at home in which Y is for yacht.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53What lifestyle are they preparing this child for?
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Sitting on the yacht playing me xylophone.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01He'll be standing on the edge of the boat, looking at the dark
0:05:01 > 0:05:02faces in the harbour.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Then there are the things we do teach them in school
0:05:11 > 0:05:13and we only teach them once. This wrecks my head.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16There are entire tracts of history, for example, that we
0:05:16 > 0:05:17only teach kids once.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20And we don't teach them again later when they are older,
0:05:20 > 0:05:24like a more nuanced, more political, more sophisticated version of it.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26The Vikings are a very good example of this.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29One of the great colonial powers of the last 1,000 years.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Swept across northern Europe, through Britain,
0:05:31 > 0:05:35through Ireland, Iceland, Greenland, possibly as far as North America.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Held huge banquets in their own honour.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41"Oh, we shall feast tonight, Ragnor, for we have one a great battle."
0:05:41 > 0:05:43"Indeed we have, Erik.
0:05:43 > 0:05:48"And they shall speak of our exploits for thousands of years."
0:05:48 > 0:05:52"Who, Ragnor? Who shall speak of our exploits?"
0:05:52 > 0:05:55"Mainly six- to eight-year-olds."
0:05:58 > 0:06:01"Six- to eight-year-olds will love us, you know that?
0:06:01 > 0:06:05"Oh, they'll do projects about our boats,
0:06:05 > 0:06:10"they'll draw pictures of our sails they'll get our hats wrong."
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Then there are the things that we teach kids
0:06:15 > 0:06:18and the only reason we teach them to kids is because our parents
0:06:18 > 0:06:24taught them to us, and I am calling bullshit on one of those tonight.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Oh, yeah.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Specifically, elbows off the table.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Excuse me, but what is the problem with an elbow on a table?
0:06:34 > 0:06:39A table is elbow height. It is the ideal place to stick an elbow.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41You can rest them, you can swivel them,
0:06:41 > 0:06:44you can use them as base camp for the rest of the meal.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47It is a fantastic thing to place an elbow. And yet...
0:06:47 > 0:06:51The reason we say, "Elbows off the table," to our kids is
0:06:51 > 0:06:53because our parents said, "Elbows off the table," to us.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56And the reason they said, "Elbows off the table," to us
0:06:56 > 0:06:58is cos their parents said, "Elbows off the table," to them
0:06:58 > 0:07:01and frankly that's how religions get started.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:04 > 0:07:06CHEERING
0:07:08 > 0:07:10No more.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14Stick your elbows on the table, knock yourself out, enjoy yourself, right?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Besides which, I'd imagine,
0:07:16 > 0:07:18if you went through the social history of it,
0:07:18 > 0:07:20you'd probably find out the whole elbows on the table,
0:07:20 > 0:07:24with respect to yourselves, is an English Victorian or Edwardian thing,
0:07:24 > 0:07:27that it was regarded as poor etiquette to
0:07:27 > 0:07:30show your elbows off in a kind of a...
0:07:30 > 0:07:34"Oh, Mr Darcy, thank you for joining us at Cavendish Hall
0:07:34 > 0:07:36"for our annual Christmas celebration.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39"Please come with me into the drawing-room.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40"Elizabeth!"
0:07:40 > 0:07:43"How are you, Mr Darcy?
0:07:43 > 0:07:47"Have a look at that, Mr Darcy. Do you like what you see?"
0:07:48 > 0:07:52"Elizabeth, don't bring shame upon this family."
0:07:52 > 0:07:54"Fuck you, Mammy. I haven't got a husband.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02"Plenty more where that came from, Mr Darcy."
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Elizabeth, why do you have a Dublin accent?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13And we learn things all the time. We're always learning,
0:08:13 > 0:08:15always pushing back the levels of what we know.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17You know me as a nerd, right?
0:08:17 > 0:08:20I'm always across all these things, whether it's space,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23technology, maths or whatever, or the brain - really excited about
0:08:23 > 0:08:25the brain at the moment. There's a very big debate...
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Sorry, getting nerdy for a second.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30..in the brain about a thing called the gendered brain, which is
0:08:30 > 0:08:32basically the scientific discussion of whether,
0:08:32 > 0:08:35on that continuum of male and female brains,
0:08:35 > 0:08:37whether there's genuinely a structural or chemical
0:08:37 > 0:08:40difference between the two, or whether it's just a societal thing.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43It's the eternal question, right? And I'm not an academic.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46I can't offer something academic to that but nonetheless I can offer
0:08:46 > 0:08:50one little observation about the male brain versus the female brain.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53One thing that the male brain does that the female brain does not,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56and this is not meant in any way to say it's a better thing or
0:08:56 > 0:08:58a worse thing - it just is.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01The male brain can enter a special state,
0:09:01 > 0:09:04a special altered mode where the chemicals of
0:09:04 > 0:09:06the male brain change dramatically.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08It's not for long, it's just after an event,
0:09:08 > 0:09:12an event occurs and, for five minutes after the event, the male brain
0:09:12 > 0:09:15is a very different brain than it was just before the event.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Basically, there's a build-up to the event,
0:09:17 > 0:09:19the event and then after the event,
0:09:19 > 0:09:22and, after the event, it's a completely different universe
0:09:22 > 0:09:25that the male brain is inhabiting for five...
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Most men have now gathered what I mean by the event, right?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32The event is a very happy event. It's the event, it's a good event.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Let me put it on a medical term.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36In Ireland, the medical term is getting the ride.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38That is the term used.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42The male brain is awash with hormones cos they're constantly going,
0:09:42 > 0:09:44"Will this lead to the ride? Find the ride.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47"There must be a ride somewhere. Any ride here? No ride here.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49"Go over there. Maybe there's a ride there."
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Constantly telling you to get the ride. Then you get the ride
0:09:51 > 0:09:54and these chemicals fuck off somewhere, right?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57They leave you wandering around like you've been
0:09:57 > 0:10:01released from a hostage situation going, "What has happened here?"
0:10:01 > 0:10:04It's like the Matrix being switched off.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08Suddenly, you see the universe as it truly is,
0:10:08 > 0:10:10including all the hideous decisions you've made,
0:10:10 > 0:10:14particularly in the build-up to the ride you've just had.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18Who are you? What are we doing in this skip?
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Jesus, what was I thinking for the last half-hour?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26It is so profoundly different a chemical state in the male
0:10:26 > 0:10:29brain that I think it should be legislated for.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Companies that trade in luxury goods were impulse purchases
0:10:32 > 0:10:36should be required by law to take this into account.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38So if a man walks into a fancy garage full of sports cars
0:10:38 > 0:10:41and goes, "I want to buy a sports car. Oh, I want a sports car.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43"Vroom-vroom-vroom. I wonder sports car."
0:10:43 > 0:10:44That guy should be obliged by law to go,
0:10:44 > 0:10:46"Well, I'd love to sell you a sports car.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49"We have one of the greatest range of sports cars in the city here,
0:10:49 > 0:10:50"I'd be delighted to sell you one.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54"But unfortunately, under new legislation,
0:10:54 > 0:10:57"I must first ask you to step into that little cubicle over there.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01"Have a little wank for yourself, all right?"
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Guaranteed three to five minutes later, the man will walk out
0:11:08 > 0:11:10and go, "I don't want a sports car.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13"What was I thinking? I have no need for a sports car.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15"How can I bring the kids to school in a sports car? Jesus!
0:11:15 > 0:11:18"What was I doing? Who am I? Where are you? How did I get here?
0:11:18 > 0:11:19"Somebody take me home." Right?
0:11:21 > 0:11:25Ladies, if you want truth from a man, you have a five-minute window
0:11:25 > 0:11:29post-orgasm in which to ask him any question you want, right?
0:11:29 > 0:11:33And you've literally five minutes before the chemicals rush back in
0:11:33 > 0:11:35and the game begins again.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40It is so profound and we should take this into account.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43The worst thing it does, it offers clarity,
0:11:43 > 0:11:47and clarity is a terrible thing to have when it comes to sex.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Not just sex but to all the stuff around sex.
0:11:51 > 0:11:57Can I apologise to every woman in this room for the ludicrous shite
0:11:57 > 0:12:02that you've had foisted upon you in the name of what we find horny?
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Some of which I know you only do in a kind of a...
0:12:07 > 0:12:09cos you think it's an ironic little joke.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12You know all that kind of boop-boopy-doo shit, right,
0:12:12 > 0:12:15that we'd occasionally get you to do cos you think it's a joke?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18You're going "Ha-ha-ha, this is kind of a funny joke, isn't it?"
0:12:18 > 0:12:21And we're going, "Yeah, yeah, just keep doing it."
0:12:24 > 0:12:26"No, but you're enjoying this on an ironic level."
0:12:26 > 0:12:30"Sure, whatever. Just sing Santa Baby, one more time."
0:12:33 > 0:12:37I mean, lingerie is a perfect example of an entire global industry
0:12:37 > 0:12:41based around this. Ludicrous clothing, right?
0:12:41 > 0:12:44If you're ever with a woman and she comes out dressed in lingerie
0:12:44 > 0:12:47and goes, "Is this what you like, is it?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50"This is what you like, is it?"
0:12:50 > 0:12:55You never feel more like an ape in a simian research laboratory
0:12:55 > 0:13:00as a kindly scientist from a superior species tries to
0:13:00 > 0:13:03fathom how your lower brain works.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06"Is this what you like, is it?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09"Show me on the flash cards if this is what you like."
0:13:10 > 0:13:13"Banana. Banana.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17"Tyre on a rope, tyre on a rope, banana, banana, tyre on a rope."
0:13:17 > 0:13:20I mean, stockings are a great example of this.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24A ridiculous item of clothing, but incredibly specific.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26This is where the sexy is.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30This exact height is where the sexy is.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Don't be going lower than this, though. You've gone below the knee.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Pop socks, fuck off, no.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37APPLAUSE
0:13:39 > 0:13:40What?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44How do we go from, "This is the best thing you could possibly..."
0:13:44 > 0:13:48to, "This is the worst thing you could ever wear"?
0:13:48 > 0:13:51That is an eight-inch journey from one part of the leg to another.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55"Yes, yes, yes. No! No! No!
0:13:55 > 0:13:56"Oh, I love it, love it.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59"Ah, Jesus, put on some slippers and a housecoat
0:13:59 > 0:14:01"and let's knock the whole thing on the head.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03"Bring it up, bring it up, over the knee.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07"Oh, lovely. Japanese schoolgirl, loving it.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09"French maid, saucy.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13"No, you've gone too far. You've gone too far now. Right."
0:14:13 > 0:14:15"You said lift it up, is this too far?"
0:14:15 > 0:14:17"Yes, yes, back down again.
0:14:17 > 0:14:22"This is where the sexy lives. This exact specific height is where..."
0:14:22 > 0:14:24What?
0:14:24 > 0:14:28What is it in men communally, at some primal level,
0:14:28 > 0:14:30that makes us go, "Do you know what I like?
0:14:30 > 0:14:34"I like a woman who looks like she's been partially dipped in ink"?
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Oh, we love it in nylon, not so much in waders, it turns out.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Otherwise men would be gathered by river banks constantly
0:14:47 > 0:14:50during angling tournaments going, "Look at 'em in the water.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53"Look at the dirty, dirty fisherman in the water."
0:14:54 > 0:14:56"Do you like me waders, boys? Do you like me waders?
0:14:57 > 0:14:58"My feet are dry."
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Entire industries based around being sexually attractive to men
0:15:03 > 0:15:05that missed the point entirely.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09It must be a decade in the half that I've been a pole dancing club,
0:15:09 > 0:15:12but I've never looking at the lady hanging off the pole,
0:15:12 > 0:15:15or spinning on the pole or hanging upside down off the pole.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17And you were there going, "Well done, pet.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23"That's fantastic. Who are you doing that for exactly?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25"I just want to look at you."
0:15:25 > 0:15:29I could revolutionise the pole dancing industry with one move.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33Just then next to the pole, take out one boob, bang it against the pole.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38That is all we need to see.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43We'd be there for hours, you couldn't tear us away from that.
0:15:45 > 0:15:50The super clubs with three stages where Aurora is on one stage
0:15:50 > 0:15:52and Athena is on another stage
0:15:52 > 0:15:56and Mary is in the middle going, "Why are you wasting your energy?
0:15:56 > 0:16:00"I just take out one tit, bang it against the pole.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04"Look at them, they are hypnotised. They can't get enough of it.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07"I do that for one song, for the second song, put that one in,
0:16:07 > 0:16:10"take the other one out, go for the other side."
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Ladies, you need to get your revenge, right?
0:16:14 > 0:16:19You need to find something which is as ludicrous, as nonsensical
0:16:19 > 0:16:24as the stuff that we have made you wear and do and act like
0:16:24 > 0:16:25in the name of sexiness.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28And I know it won't be something you find genuinely erotic.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Just pick a thing.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33Pick a thing, just decide among yourselves and declare this to
0:16:33 > 0:16:36be the most erotic thing you could possibly see on a man. Just decide.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Like a glove that goes up to mid arm, right?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Suddenly announce this is the most sexy thing
0:16:42 > 0:16:46and, every birthday and Christmas, buy us another pair of these
0:16:46 > 0:16:50and we'll get the box and shake it and go, "Hang on, what's in here?"
0:16:50 > 0:16:53And we'll open up and go, "Is this another pair of these, is it?"
0:16:53 > 0:16:55And you go, "Put them on!
0:16:56 > 0:16:59"Put on your gun shows and let's have a look at you."
0:16:59 > 0:17:03And make us walk around the bedroom going, "Is this what you like, is it?
0:17:03 > 0:17:07"Are you sure? Are you sure you find this sexy?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09"I'm not sure you find this sexy at all."
0:17:09 > 0:17:12"I love it. Now take something off the shelf over there."
0:17:12 > 0:17:15"Feck off, you're taking the piss now, right. Are you sure?"
0:17:15 > 0:17:18"I love it. It's the sexiest thing ever. Keep walking around the room."
0:17:18 > 0:17:21"Oh, come on now. Can I at least wear the black ones?
0:17:21 > 0:17:22"The red ones make me feel slutty."
0:17:25 > 0:17:26"Put them on. Now do the dirty thing."
0:17:26 > 0:17:28"I will not do the dirty thing.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30"This should be enough for you now what you're seeing here."
0:17:30 > 0:17:34"Do the dirty thing. It's Mammy's night. Do the dirty thing, right?"
0:17:34 > 0:17:38"OK, I'll do the dirty thing but don't tell anyone I did it.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40"Look at my elbows!"
0:17:40 > 0:17:42APPLAUSE
0:17:43 > 0:17:45CHEERING
0:17:51 > 0:17:52We have a fabulous show.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55The laughs will hopefully just keep going and going as this goes on,
0:17:55 > 0:17:58ladies and gentlemen. I'm going to bring out a lady who we've had
0:17:58 > 0:17:59on Mock The Week a number of times
0:17:59 > 0:18:02and she's always aced it every single time. It's a joy to have her here.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06Please, take the roof off the place for Zoe Lyons, ladies and gentlemen!
0:18:06 > 0:18:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Hello, Apollo.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21CHEERING
0:18:21 > 0:18:24I've made an effort this evening. I'm wearing a bit of make-up.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I don't wear make-up every day. I don't think you should, as a woman.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28- Do you agree with that, girls? - CHEERING
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Yes. I think it's dangerous if you wear it every day,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33cos that's the face you become used to seeing, isn't it?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36I've got a mate who wears a lot of make-up every day
0:18:36 > 0:18:39and then there's that one day when you see them without any
0:18:39 > 0:18:44make-up at all and then you have to hide the horror on your face...
0:18:45 > 0:18:48..when they open the door sans make-up and you're like,
0:18:48 > 0:18:51"Oh, my God, where are your eyes?!
0:18:51 > 0:18:52"Where are your eyes?
0:18:53 > 0:18:56"You've got tiny, little eyes.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59"They're usually so big and purpley.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03"They're like two little peas floating in a pasta bowl."
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Don't spend money on beauty products, girls. It's not worth it.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12You know, cos you can spend a fortune on these things.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14I picked one up the other day, I looked at the label,
0:19:14 > 0:19:17it said in the fine print, "Can reduce the visible signs of ageing."
0:19:17 > 0:19:19I thought, "Well, I don't need that." I don't need that.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21I'll tell you why I don't need that.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Because if anybody is offended by my visible signs of ageing,
0:19:25 > 0:19:27I simply get them to back up.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29That's what I do.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I use a little thing called distance.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35It's clinically proven to massively reduce...
0:19:35 > 0:19:36LAUGHTER
0:19:36 > 0:19:38APPLAUSE
0:19:38 > 0:19:41..those visible signs of ageing.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Distance, by L'Oreal. Cos I'm worth it.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52We expect too much from products these days. We really do.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54We expect ridiculous things from products.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56I picked up a thing the other day.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00I found in a pharmacy the other day, stress-relieving shampoo.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Think about that combination of words.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Stress-relieving shampoo.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I mean, I understand the words individually.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09You put them together, that doesn't make any sense whatsoever, does it?
0:20:09 > 0:20:13At what point does a hair cleanser become the answer
0:20:13 > 0:20:16to your stresses as a human being,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19tossed about in a daily sea of shit?
0:20:20 > 0:20:24When do you suggest to a mate that they use stress-relieving shampoo?
0:20:24 > 0:20:27At what point? Do you wait for them to come up to you and go,
0:20:27 > 0:20:31"Oh, Zo, Zo, it's all gone tits up, mate.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35"Wife's left me, the kids hate me, business has gone under,
0:20:35 > 0:20:39"I'm going to lose the house, I'm drinking too much.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40"I can't see myself carrying on"?
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Is it at that point...
0:20:45 > 0:20:49..as a responsible mate, you interject with,
0:20:49 > 0:20:50"Mate...
0:20:53 > 0:20:55"Can't be that bad.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59"Have you thought about using...
0:21:01 > 0:21:06"..some eucalyptus and spearmint stress-relieving shampoo?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09"I mean, I don't know whether it can help you with the divorce.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11"You might need a conditioner for that but...
0:21:14 > 0:21:16"..it's worth a try, isn't it?"
0:21:17 > 0:21:19When you start looking at the wording in adverts
0:21:19 > 0:21:22then you start to realise what nonsense they are.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Even second-hand adverts, things for second-hand products.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28I was online the other night looking for a second-hand car, right?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31I was using a well-known internet website
0:21:31 > 0:21:33looking for a second-hand car. I found a car I was interested in,
0:21:33 > 0:21:36had a little picture of the car, all the stats you'd need,
0:21:36 > 0:21:39all the information about the car, all the figures you'd need, right?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41But in addition to that, it had along the side,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44just a little tag line, it just said, "One lady owner."
0:21:44 > 0:21:47I thought, "What? What does that actually mean?
0:21:47 > 0:21:49"What are they trying to say?" One lady owner.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52What they're trying to say is that you're going to be buying
0:21:52 > 0:21:55a slightly better car because it's been owned by a lady.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58It doesn't actually make any sense, that, does it?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01You just think, "Surely it depends on who the lady was." Just a lady.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03It was just a lady.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05I'm just suggesting if it was Boadicea,
0:22:05 > 0:22:08the alloys might be slightly knackered, that's all.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12It's the word "lady" as well in there that really grates with me.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Lady. It makes it sound like we all just drive around in bonnets,
0:22:15 > 0:22:18doesn't it, girls? White gloves with a freshly baked Battenberg
0:22:18 > 0:22:20steaming away on the passenger seat beside us,
0:22:20 > 0:22:23as an overly friendly Yorkshire terrier bounces up and down
0:22:23 > 0:22:25playfully in the window.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28We listen to opera on a cassette, driving like a lady.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31It's bullshit and I can tell you that for a fact because when
0:22:31 > 0:22:33I sell the car that I own at the moment
0:22:33 > 0:22:36I can legitimately use the strap line "one lady owner"
0:22:36 > 0:22:38and I'll tell you exactly what that means.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41It means last month I drove it for half an hour
0:22:41 > 0:22:43with the handbrake on. That's what that means.
0:22:43 > 0:22:44LAUGHTER
0:22:44 > 0:22:46APPLAUSE
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Half an hour.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54We've all done five minutes.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Half an hour is resisting any information the car is trying
0:22:57 > 0:22:59to give you, isn't it?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04I managed to convince myself I was driving behind a mobile barbecue.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06I was like, "Smokey, smokey."
0:23:09 > 0:23:12So something else happened recently that I'd never thought
0:23:12 > 0:23:15would happen for me. I got married very recently.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:23:16 > 0:23:18APPLAUSE
0:23:18 > 0:23:21They changed the law - we now have equal marriage in this country.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Meant I could marry my girlfriend of 17 years.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Thank you.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32I'm very happy. She's very, very...
0:23:32 > 0:23:34lucky and...
0:23:35 > 0:23:38It's great, though! I'm very proud to live in a country that now has
0:23:38 > 0:23:40equal marriage. I think it is a wonderful thing.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43People went out and campaigned for my right to have an equal
0:23:43 > 0:23:46marriage and for that I am terribly proud and delighted.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Equality within marriage.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01That's a whole different parade, isn't it?
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Come on, don't tell me I'm the only person in this room that's ever
0:24:04 > 0:24:07looked at their other half and thought to themselves,
0:24:07 > 0:24:10"I'm probably the better one in this relationship."
0:24:13 > 0:24:15I mean, you wouldn't say it, would you?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17But you've thought it, haven't you?
0:24:17 > 0:24:18Probably the team leader
0:24:18 > 0:24:21of this little outfit we've got going on here.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26She's Dutch, my wife. She speaks brilliant, brilliant English.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29They're fabulous, the Dutch, when it comes to languages,
0:24:29 > 0:24:31so it makes it doubly funny when she gets something wrong.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34We were at home a few weeks ago, watching a programme
0:24:34 > 0:24:37about people in persistent vegetative comas and...
0:24:37 > 0:24:39- AUDIENCE MURMUR - I know.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43We don't have Netflix. You've got to watch what's on.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Literally a slave to the schedule.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53It was quite upsetting, obviously, given the subject matter,
0:24:53 > 0:24:55and at one point I turned to the wife,
0:24:55 > 0:24:58she's having a little cry, I was like, "Oh, God, awkward."
0:25:00 > 0:25:03I said, "Are you all right? Are you all right?"
0:25:03 > 0:25:05She turned to me and she went, "I'm not, Zoe, I'm not.
0:25:05 > 0:25:10"I'm finding this very upsetting, and I need you to promise me
0:25:10 > 0:25:12"something after watching this documentary."
0:25:12 > 0:25:13I said, "I will promise you anything, my darling.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15"What is it you need me to promise you?"
0:25:15 > 0:25:17"I need you to promise me...
0:25:17 > 0:25:19"that if you truly love me...
0:25:20 > 0:25:21"..you will switch me off...
0:25:23 > 0:25:25"..if I ever become a vegetarian."
0:25:25 > 0:25:28LAUGHTER
0:25:28 > 0:25:30APPLAUSE
0:25:30 > 0:25:32CHEERING
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Obviously I made that promise. I...
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Can't have the poor cow suffering, can we?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46First mention of nut roast, she is out of here!
0:25:49 > 0:25:52It's nice to see a lot of young people down the front here.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Hello, young people. Oh, it's lovely! Hello!
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Oh, youth is a wonderful thing.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01I'm here from your future to tell you, don't worry about getting older. Getting older is great.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03We are youth-obsessed society
0:26:03 > 0:26:08and we don't enjoy this effects of getting older as much as we should.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10There are some brilliant advantages of getting older, you know?
0:26:10 > 0:26:12You care...
0:26:12 > 0:26:13..less and less...
0:26:14 > 0:26:17..about more and more on a daily basis.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22Everyday I wake up, and I think, "That's another thing I will no longer be giving a shit about."
0:26:24 > 0:26:27It's just a slow unburdening of life. It's wonderful.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32You've got to do less to give yourself a thrill, I'm finding, as well as you get older.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35You know, when you're young, you are constantly doing stuff, aren't you?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Constantly out, constantly doing stuff. I was like that.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39I was a real adrenaline seeker when I was younger.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43I went backpacking round Australia, which is a beautiful country
0:26:43 > 0:26:45if you like your racism in wide-open spaces.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49LAUGHTER
0:26:49 > 0:26:52I did all of those things that you do when you're young, you know, to give yourself a buzz.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56Bungee jumping and white water rafting and all those things you do because momentarily,
0:26:56 > 0:26:59you feel slightly closer to death because adrenaline is releasing,
0:26:59 > 0:27:01don't you, therefore it makes you feel more alive.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03And you don't have to do any of that, I've discovered,
0:27:03 > 0:27:04when you get into your '40s.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07To feel alive, you don't have to do any of that, just do what
0:27:07 > 0:27:09I did this morning, getting out of the shower and have a little...
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Oh, God!
0:27:19 > 0:27:20Oh, my God.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Totally nearly died, then.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Phew!
0:27:34 > 0:27:35I can hear the blood in my own ears.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41It's time for handles, isn't it?
0:27:46 > 0:27:49We always wondered when this day would come.
0:27:49 > 0:27:50Handle day.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55What constitutes an adrenaline rush just changes when you get older.
0:27:55 > 0:27:56That's all I'm saying.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59And you can't help but think about it these days, can you?
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Cos we are awash with these insurance adverts on the television.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03You've all seen them. You know the ones I mean?
0:28:03 > 0:28:06"Have you thought about your own death? Get a free pen.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11"Consider your own mortality, we will send you a pen.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15"You could write your own will with the free pen we are going to send you.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18"It might last longer than you, have you thought about that?"
0:28:20 > 0:28:23One came on the other day, it was horribly morbid. Horribly morbid.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26It just came on and went, "Have you thought about who will pay for your funeral...
0:28:27 > 0:28:29"..the unfortunate event of your death?"
0:28:29 > 0:28:33I've got to be honest, I sat there in my onesie...
0:28:35 > 0:28:38..and I thought, "I have thought about that.
0:28:38 > 0:28:39"It won't be me."
0:28:45 > 0:28:48Surely that is the only advantage of being dead, isn't it?
0:28:48 > 0:28:50That is absolutely not your round, is it?
0:28:51 > 0:28:54"Zip me in a bin bag, I won't care. I's dead!"
0:28:56 > 0:28:58Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so, so very much.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01It's been an absolute pleasure. So much fun. I've enjoyed it.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03- Thank you. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:07 > 0:29:10Ladies and gentlemen, Zoe Lyons!
0:29:10 > 0:29:12CHEERING
0:29:12 > 0:29:15Let's keep that going as I bring on a man here who has filled
0:29:15 > 0:29:18this very room on his national tour this year.
0:29:18 > 0:29:20He's actually riding a wave at the moment.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23Please give it up for the very funny Paul Chowdhry, ladies and gentlemen.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:39 > 0:29:41Yeah. What's happening?
0:29:41 > 0:29:44- CHEERING - You good?
0:29:44 > 0:29:47Yeah. Just grew a bit of a beard, innit?
0:29:47 > 0:29:49Just while I was waiting to go on.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54You've got a massive beard there, Dave. A bit of a hipster, yeah?
0:29:54 > 0:29:55See, you grow a beard, bit of a hipster.
0:29:55 > 0:29:59I grew a beard, people think I have a one-way ticket to Syria.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05Some guy called me Jaffar the other day.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07I can't even make cakes.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09LAUGHTER
0:30:09 > 0:30:12APPLAUSE
0:30:14 > 0:30:19My tour is called PC's World. That's my initials, PC, PC's World.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21I remembered the first time I told an audience I'm going to call
0:30:21 > 0:30:23my new show PC's World, this guy shouted out,
0:30:23 > 0:30:26"Don't call it PC's World, college Curries."
0:30:30 > 0:30:32Thanks out there, you racist bastards.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39I love London. I was born in London.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42The thing I don't like about London are proper geezers,
0:30:42 > 0:30:43those close talkers.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46"What's happening, mate? Are you all right?
0:30:46 > 0:30:48"What's happening, mate?"
0:30:48 > 0:30:51"You are too close, that's what's happening.
0:30:51 > 0:30:54"Let's keep this conversation at arm's length.
0:30:54 > 0:30:55"You know you are too close to me
0:30:55 > 0:30:59"if I've got to be cross-eyed while I talk to you.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01"If I've got to breathe in while you breathe out...
0:31:03 > 0:31:06"I'm like his girl for this geezer."
0:31:06 > 0:31:09I like it. I haven't got much patience. I am the kind of geezer
0:31:09 > 0:31:11that'll go to a restaurant... "Would you like a table?"
0:31:11 > 0:31:14"No, I've come here to watch people eat.
0:31:14 > 0:31:18"Forget the table, I'll do this shit on the floor."
0:31:18 > 0:31:22I'm in a supermarket, I'm in a queue, people come up to me,
0:31:22 > 0:31:23"Are you in the queue, mate?"
0:31:23 > 0:31:26"No, I'm just standing behind 28 people with a basket full of food.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30"Maybe I didn't leave a big enough gap between his arse and my groin.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35"Next time I'll get in his basket.
0:31:35 > 0:31:37"So you know I'm in the queue."
0:31:41 > 0:31:44I get to the front of the till, "Would you like a bag?"
0:31:44 > 0:31:46"I've got £45-worth of shopping here.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51"No, forget the bag, I'll eat this shit right now.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56"Get me some cutlery. We're going to be here for a long time."
0:31:56 > 0:31:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:03 > 0:32:08Just pour that milk into my pockets and stick that pineapple on my head.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13I mean, I grew up in the '80s, man,
0:32:13 > 0:32:16with proper homophobia around, you know?
0:32:16 > 0:32:18Guys couldn't come out in the '80s.
0:32:18 > 0:32:20You couldn't come out, could you, in the '80s?
0:32:20 > 0:32:22LAUGHTER
0:32:22 > 0:32:24Very different time.
0:32:24 > 0:32:29America is even worse. America's got a scheme called Pray Away The Gay.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32They think if you're gay they can take you to a church
0:32:32 > 0:32:34and pray the gay out of you.
0:32:37 > 0:32:40Surely if you're that confused about your sexuality,
0:32:40 > 0:32:43the last thing you want to do is kneel in front of a priest.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45LAUGHTER
0:32:45 > 0:32:48APPLAUSE
0:32:50 > 0:32:53It's going to make matters worse.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56I get death threats on a daily basis on Facebook.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58LAUGHTER
0:32:58 > 0:33:00That's pretty funny, innit?
0:33:00 > 0:33:02"I'm going to mash you up, bruv, innit?
0:33:02 > 0:33:06"I'm going to cut you up, fam. You don't know me, innit?"
0:33:06 > 0:33:08"Yeah, make your mum pick you up from school first...
0:33:10 > 0:33:13"..then think about killing me afterwards."
0:33:13 > 0:33:15You know, you do status updates, do a tweet now and again.
0:33:15 > 0:33:19There was a show on Channel 4 a few weeks ago called Muslim Drag Queens.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21- Anyone see it? - CHEERING
0:33:21 > 0:33:22There is a lot of homophobia online,
0:33:22 > 0:33:24so I thought, I'll do a joke about it.
0:33:24 > 0:33:27I said, "The reason why it homophobic Asians are angry
0:33:27 > 0:33:30"at the show Muslim Drag Queens is because when they go home
0:33:30 > 0:33:33"they realise the drag queens are better looking than their wives."
0:33:33 > 0:33:38LAUGHTER
0:33:38 > 0:33:40People went nuts.
0:33:40 > 0:33:42"I'm going to shank you up, fam!"
0:33:43 > 0:33:46Who agrees with gay marriage?
0:33:46 > 0:33:48CHEERING
0:33:48 > 0:33:51- Who disagrees with gay marriage? - SILENCE
0:33:51 > 0:33:52LAUGHTER
0:33:52 > 0:33:54They're not going to say it now, are they?
0:33:54 > 0:33:57I think gay marriage is wrong.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59BOOING
0:33:59 > 0:34:01Cos if gay marriage catches on,
0:34:01 > 0:34:03soon we're going to have gay arranged marriages...
0:34:08 > 0:34:10..and I don't need that crap in my life.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12LAUGHTER
0:34:12 > 0:34:13APPLAUSE
0:34:16 > 0:34:18Your dad's going to be like,
0:34:18 > 0:34:19"I introduced you to 50 girls.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21"You said no. Now bring the boys."
0:34:27 > 0:34:29I went to South Africa.
0:34:29 > 0:34:31I don't want to use a generalisation,
0:34:31 > 0:34:35but in South Africa, white people have got the most dangerous animals.
0:34:35 > 0:34:37Pet tigers, pet alligators.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39One guy had a pet hippo!
0:34:40 > 0:34:42In his garden! Pet hippo.
0:34:42 > 0:34:46Even black people in Africa don't go anywhere near hippos.
0:34:46 > 0:34:48"Have you seen a hippo?" "Yeah." "What did you do?" "I ran away."
0:34:51 > 0:34:52"I just run..."
0:34:55 > 0:34:56"..away."
0:34:59 > 0:35:00And then they when a marathon.
0:35:06 > 0:35:07It's called evolution, Dave.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12This guy Marius Els had a pet hippo in his garden.
0:35:12 > 0:35:14He made a YouTube video about the situation.
0:35:14 > 0:35:18He goes, "I've got a hippo. I love hippos.
0:35:18 > 0:35:23"I love to ride my hippo, I love to play with the hippo.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25"I take the hippo shopping.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27"I take it Nandos.
0:35:28 > 0:35:30"He's like a son to me."
0:35:30 > 0:35:32Know what happened?
0:35:32 > 0:35:33Hippo ate the bastard!
0:35:35 > 0:35:39And it was reported on the news - "Surprise hippo attack."
0:35:39 > 0:35:42How can it be a surprise if you've got a hippo in your garden?
0:35:43 > 0:35:46It's a surprise if you're walking outside the Hammersmith Apollo
0:35:46 > 0:35:48and there is a tap on your shoulder...
0:35:50 > 0:35:53..and there's a massive hippo behind you.
0:35:53 > 0:35:55"I'm going to mash you up now, bruv, now, innit."
0:35:56 > 0:35:57"What a surprise."
0:36:01 > 0:36:04"Dave got bitten by a dog." "Where?" "Deep-sea diving."
0:36:05 > 0:36:07"Well, that's a surprise dog attack."
0:36:09 > 0:36:12Cos apparently we were all going to get wiped out by Ebola
0:36:12 > 0:36:14earlier this year, remember that?
0:36:14 > 0:36:15We were supposed to all get killed by Ebola.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17What happened to Ebola?
0:36:17 > 0:36:19As soon as a white guy caught it, they found a cure.
0:36:23 > 0:36:24"Thank God for David.
0:36:26 > 0:36:27"Billions of us dead.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29"David catch it, we are saved now.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34"He is our saviour."
0:36:34 > 0:36:36Cos more black people get killed by hippos,
0:36:36 > 0:36:40but CNN never even picked up the story. Like, "Hello, is that CNN?
0:36:40 > 0:36:43"Yeah, my friend has been eaten by a hippo.
0:36:43 > 0:36:45"Yeah, eat him. Yeah, he finished.
0:36:46 > 0:36:50"Yeah, finished. Yeah, he dead.
0:36:50 > 0:36:51"Yeah, finished.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54"Yeah, finished.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57"Yeah, dead. Yeah, finished!
0:36:57 > 0:37:01"Finished. No, he was black.
0:37:01 > 0:37:02"Hello?
0:37:03 > 0:37:05"Bastard!"
0:37:08 > 0:37:10It's like with CNN, this whole situation...
0:37:10 > 0:37:13I heard about this other girl, Malala Yousaf. You hear about her?
0:37:13 > 0:37:16- She won a Nobel Peace Prize. - CHEERING
0:37:18 > 0:37:21This girl got shot in the head by the Taliban
0:37:21 > 0:37:24and still got ten GCSEs.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26I always used to get compared to other people as children.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28When you get compared to Malala Yousaf,
0:37:28 > 0:37:31there's no coming back from that, is there?
0:37:31 > 0:37:33"Malala Yousaf got ten GCSEs
0:37:33 > 0:37:34"and she was dead!
0:37:36 > 0:37:39"Even dead people are more clever than you!"
0:37:39 > 0:37:40"I got a C."
0:37:40 > 0:37:44"Yeah, you can "C" yourself out of this family.
0:37:44 > 0:37:46"What about the B?" "Yeah, B for bastard."
0:37:50 > 0:37:55She's got 15,000 likes on Facebook, you know that, Malala Yousaf?
0:37:55 > 0:38:00But Kim Kardashian has got 25 million likes on Facebook
0:38:00 > 0:38:03and no-one even knows what she does for a living.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07What is she famous for? Having a massive arse.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10His name's Kanye West.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12LAUGHTER
0:38:12 > 0:38:14APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:38:19 > 0:38:21I don't like it when people blame things on racism, though.
0:38:21 > 0:38:23It's like I was watching this programme on BBC One
0:38:23 > 0:38:26about parking tickets. A guy goes, "You gave me a ticket, bruv, innit?
0:38:26 > 0:38:28"You gave me a ticket cos I'm not white, bruv.
0:38:28 > 0:38:30"It's cos I'm not white I got a ticket."
0:38:30 > 0:38:34I'm like, "Mate, you parked in a bus lane.
0:38:34 > 0:38:36"It's cos you're not red."
0:38:36 > 0:38:38LAUGHTER
0:38:39 > 0:38:41APPLAUSE
0:38:41 > 0:38:43You've been a great crowd. Thanks a lot.
0:38:43 > 0:38:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:52 > 0:38:55Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Chowdhry.
0:38:55 > 0:38:57CHEERING
0:38:59 > 0:39:02What a night we've had here at the Hammersmith Apollo,
0:39:02 > 0:39:04legendary location for top-quality stand-up comedy.
0:39:04 > 0:39:06Have you had a good night? CHEERING
0:39:06 > 0:39:09Give it up for Zoe Lyons. CHEERING
0:39:09 > 0:39:12For Paul Chowdhry. CHEERING
0:39:12 > 0:39:14I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight. Thank you very much.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17That's all from Live At The Apollo. Goodnight.