0:00:04 > 0:00:11This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:19 > 0:00:22please welcome your host for tonight...
0:00:22 > 0:00:26- Noel Fielding. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Hey!
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Woo!
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Ah, Live At The Apollo!
0:00:42 > 0:00:43CHEERING
0:00:44 > 0:00:47How are you doing? CHEERING
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Hammersmith, massive.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53You all right in the top shelf?
0:00:53 > 0:00:55CHEERING
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Top shelf, feeling pretty good.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Bottom shelf, troglodytes. Are you good?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01CHEERING
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Oh, yeah!
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Just you, sir.
0:01:06 > 0:01:07Woo!
0:01:09 > 0:01:11That's right, he didn't shit it.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Woo! LAUGHTER
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Solo Mexican wave.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Mexican splash. LAUGHTER
0:01:19 > 0:01:20- What's your name, sir?- Mike.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23You'll always be Mexican Splash to me.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25LAUGHTER
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Oh, look at the state of me.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29It's like Ronnie Wood and Max Wall had a child.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30LAUGHTER
0:01:32 > 0:01:36OK. So, I'm 40... I'm over 40 now.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37I mean, how did that happen?
0:01:37 > 0:01:38WHOOPING
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Don't whoop that. It's embarrassing.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43How many...? WOLF WHISTLE
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Are you wolf-whistling an over-40?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49How many people in the room we got over 40?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51CHEERING
0:01:52 > 0:01:54That's a weak response. LAUGHTER
0:01:54 > 0:01:57There are more of you. It's just that you're saving energy.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59I know that. LAUGHTER
0:01:59 > 0:02:03When you're 40 or over, you cannot be putting your hand up.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05You'll waste your energy.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08To be fair, you shouldn't even be out. You've got work tomorrow.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12It must have been a struggle to get you here.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13LAUGHTER
0:02:13 > 0:02:17"Do I have to come? There's a really good episode of Poirot on."
0:02:18 > 0:02:20"Come on, we're going to see some comedy."
0:02:20 > 0:02:23"Oh, God. Can I come in my slippers?"
0:02:23 > 0:02:24That sounded wrong.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27LAUGHTER
0:02:27 > 0:02:29No.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32I'm not implying that 40-year-olds just stay in
0:02:32 > 0:02:34and jizz in their moccasin.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35LAUGHTER
0:02:36 > 0:02:38I'll come on again.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42HE LAUGHS
0:02:42 > 0:02:45How many people have we got under 40?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48LOUD CHEERING
0:02:48 > 0:02:51That's what I'm talking about, you show-offs.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Like a sea of John Travoltas. Woo!
0:02:55 > 0:02:57If you put your hand up when you're under 40, it's like that.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58Woo!
0:02:58 > 0:03:01When you're over 40, it's like a cat cleaning its ear.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02HE IMITATES CAT MEOWING
0:03:02 > 0:03:04LAUGHTER
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Do you know what it's like being over 40?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09It's like being a day-old helium balloon.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13You're not in the sky any more.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16And you're not quite on the floor.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20You're sort of hanging about here.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23A, sort of, mid-range fiasco.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24LAUGHTER
0:03:24 > 0:03:26"I used to be up there.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29"I'm not down there any more."
0:03:29 > 0:03:32"Ricocheting gently off the surfaces."
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Occasionally threatening to land.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36"Whoa... No."
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Oh, helium balloons.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44We got any helium balloons on the front?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Anyone over 40 on the front?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Come on, sir, what about you? Are you over 40?
0:03:48 > 0:03:52- I'm over 60, mate.- You're over 60? Are you? Really?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Have you got the secret of the fountain of youth?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- You're a helium balloon, though, right?- Yeah, that's it.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Me and you, yeah? That's right, me and you.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05When you're 40, you have to align yourself with someone else who's 40.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09And that way, safety in numbers. LAUGHTER
0:04:09 > 0:04:11The worst thing about being 40 is the hangovers.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13I can't deal with it any more.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Like, I used to be able to drink and drink and...
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I still try but I'm rubbish at it, yeah.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I used to be able to drink so much and at the most,
0:04:19 > 0:04:23my liver would give me a little cheeky warning the next day.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Like a mogwai. Quite cute.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27It'd go... HE IMITATES MOGWAI
0:04:27 > 0:04:28LAUGHTER
0:04:28 > 0:04:30AS MOGWAI: Brah, brah, brah-brahhhh.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36Now, I'm over 40, my liver comes in like Chewbacca. Kicks the door down.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40HE IMITATES CHEWBACCA: Grrrrrrr!
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Gets me in a headlock.
0:04:42 > 0:04:43AS CHEWBACCA: Grrrrrrrrr!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45All right! I won't do it again!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47LAUGHTER
0:04:47 > 0:04:50It's a nightmare...over 40.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52What's it all about?
0:04:52 > 0:04:53It's so weird.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55The weirdest thing that started happening to me...
0:04:55 > 0:04:59I got to 40 and this just happened the day after I turned 40.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02I started walking with my hands behind my back.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04LAUGHTER
0:05:07 > 0:05:12For no reason other than it's more comfortable.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Who am I? Prince Charles?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Last time I was in that position, I was 14.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23I'd been caught smoking weed. I was on my way to the cell for a night.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26"Oh, flipping hell. My mum's going to kill me.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28"Caught by the fuzz."
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Now, I'm admiring St Pauls.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32IN PLUMMY VOICE: "What a wonderful structure."
0:05:32 > 0:05:35LAUGHTER
0:05:37 > 0:05:38Look at the state of me. I used to be cool.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42I look like a trendy art teacher now.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48When does that happen?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50When you go from being quite cool to...
0:05:50 > 0:05:52"Is that guy a trendy art teacher?" LAUGHTER
0:05:52 > 0:05:54"Hey, kids, don't call me Mr Fielding, yeah?
0:05:54 > 0:05:55"Just call me Noel."
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Trendy art teacher, yeah.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02"See these paintbrushes?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04"Ha! That's right, we won't be needing them.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06"We're doing conceptual art."
0:06:07 > 0:06:08I'm embarrassing.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14# I'm made of milk
0:06:14 > 0:06:17# You're made of milk
0:06:17 > 0:06:18# We're both made of milk
0:06:18 > 0:06:20# But we're living in separate glasses. #
0:06:20 > 0:06:22LAUGHTER
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Too early for the milk song? LAUGHTER
0:06:31 > 0:06:33It was a bit out of the blue, wasn't it?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38It was a slightly sexual milk song.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Actually, how old are you?
0:06:42 > 0:06:4425? That's fine. I don't want a Rolf Harris situation.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45LAUGHTER
0:06:47 > 0:06:49That broke my heart, I'll tell you that much.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I mean, Savile, we knew he was a paedophile
0:06:51 > 0:06:53even before we knew what the word meant.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Yeah, he's one.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55But Rolf, that killed me.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Anyway, 25, we're in. Are you ready?
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Sexual milk song.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Oh, shit. I've gone all shy now.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Are you with Mexican Splash?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10He's all man.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Just concentrate on the legs, eh?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15# I'm made of milk. #
0:07:15 > 0:07:17HE LAUGHS
0:07:17 > 0:07:20You've done me. You've beaten me just with your glare.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Come on then, let's see what you've got.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26I'm like the worst lap dancer in history.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27OK.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29Trendy art teacher. Trendy art teacher.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31# I'm made of milk
0:07:31 > 0:07:32LAUGHTER Tstt!
0:07:32 > 0:07:34# You're made of milk
0:07:34 > 0:07:35# We're both made of milk
0:07:35 > 0:07:37# But we're living in separate glasses
0:07:37 > 0:07:41# Oh, baby, push yourself against the clear surface. #
0:07:41 > 0:07:42LAUGHTER
0:07:45 > 0:07:47That just came off weird, didn't it?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51I built that up too much.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54OK, lighten it. I've got a cheeky milk song.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56# I'm made of milk I'm coconut
0:07:56 > 0:07:58# You're made of milk You're rice milk
0:07:58 > 0:08:02# He's made of milk He's almond
0:08:02 > 0:08:04# We're all middle-class milk
0:08:04 > 0:08:05LAUGHTER
0:08:07 > 0:08:11# Do you remember when milk came from cows?
0:08:11 > 0:08:12# That was fricking ages ago
0:08:14 > 0:08:16# I'm made of milk I'm almond
0:08:16 > 0:08:18# You're made of milk You're breast milk
0:08:19 > 0:08:23# He's made of milk He's Coffee-Mate.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25# We don't really talk to him
0:08:25 > 0:08:27LAUGHTER
0:08:27 > 0:08:29# He's a kind of chav milk. #
0:08:30 > 0:08:32IN PLUMMY VOICE: Hi, yeah, Almond. Yeah, it's Soya.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Having a little soiree on Saturday actually. Yeah, yeah.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37No, bring a few peeps along.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Yeah... No, don't invite Coffee-Mate. Jesus!
0:08:40 > 0:08:42LAUGHTER He's a right chav.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Coffee-Mate will win, though.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47I is Coffee-Mate, mate.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49He will win, yeah.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Because in the future, if there's an apocalypse, yeah,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54the mutants will want a nice cup of tea.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56All the milk will be off, yeah,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59except for Coffee-Mate. LAUGHTER
0:08:59 > 0:09:03It's powdered milk. You can snort it, you can put it up your anus.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05It lasts forever. LAUGHTER
0:09:06 > 0:09:07I love it.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09I love it cos it's a bit of a chavvy milk
0:09:09 > 0:09:11and I was a bit of a chav.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13I represent the Croydon massive.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15CHEERING
0:09:15 > 0:09:17I was a chav when I was a teenager
0:09:17 > 0:09:20and then I went to art school and I had to hand in my chav notice.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21LAUGHTER
0:09:21 > 0:09:22I was heartbroken.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26HE IMITATES CHAV: Oh, my gosh. What? Like, I can't be a chav any more?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29No. You're going to be doing collages and shit.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31LAUGHTER
0:09:31 > 0:09:34I had a chav badge. I had to hand it in.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37I'm going to miss you guys.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42But then I came out of art college and I used to get beaten up by chavs.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45That's the irony. LAUGHTER
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I used to wear, sort of, silver catsuits.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Chavs did not like that. LAUGHTER
0:09:49 > 0:09:53And I found there was no time to explain that I was a former chav.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56But wait... No, no, no, no.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58LAUGHTER
0:10:00 > 0:10:02The best thing a chav ever said to me.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04He saw me in a pink outfit and he went,
0:10:04 > 0:10:07"Oh, my gosh. What is you?"
0:10:07 > 0:10:10LAUGHTER
0:10:10 > 0:10:13So brilliant, that. It's like poetry. Street poetry.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15It's so economical.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17What. Is. You.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20And I went,
0:10:20 > 0:10:21"Yes."
0:10:22 > 0:10:25And he went, "No." LAUGHTER
0:10:29 > 0:10:31My favourite chav story ever, though.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33There were some chavs outside Costcutter, yeah.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36And basically, this woman went past and fell over.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39And they didn't do anything to help. They just went...and laughed.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41And the woman was about 45. I thought, "This is a nightmare."
0:10:41 > 0:10:43So, I ran over and helped her. She was like a mum.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45And I picked her up and said, "Are you OK?"
0:10:45 > 0:10:48And she wasn't drunk or anything, she said, "I had a knee operation.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50"My knee just gave way." So, I sent her on her way.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51And I couldn't leave it.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55Cos I used to be a chav, I'm quite South London, yeah.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57I thought, "I'm going to have to have a go at them."
0:10:57 > 0:10:59I was pushing my luck - there was about ten of them.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01So, I sent the lady on her way and I went,
0:11:01 > 0:11:04"What's wrong with you? A lady falls over, you just laugh.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05"That's unbelievable."
0:11:05 > 0:11:07And they didn't say anything and I got really cocky.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10And I thought, "Oh, I'm in so much trouble here."
0:11:10 > 0:11:12I went, "Imagine if that was your mum.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14"You'd just leave her on the floor?"
0:11:14 > 0:11:16And this chav came out and said the best thing
0:11:16 > 0:11:18anyone's ever said...ever.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20He came out and went,
0:11:20 > 0:11:22"Yeah, the thing is, my mum don't fall over."
0:11:22 > 0:11:24LAUGHTER
0:11:31 > 0:11:35You cannot argue with that kind of chav logic.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36Totally won me over.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38I got her back and threw her back down.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Are you ready for your first act? CHEERING
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Top shelf, are you ready for your first act?
0:11:51 > 0:11:54CHEERING Bottom shelf, are you ready?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56CHEERING
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Mexican Splash.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- Woo! - LAUGHTER
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Ladies and gentlemen, welcome onto the stage
0:12:03 > 0:12:06the amazing Dane Baptiste.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24- Are you guys well? Are you good? - CHEERING
0:12:24 > 0:12:26So, I'm happy to be here as a part of, you know,
0:12:26 > 0:12:28helping BBC with their diversity quota.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:34 > 0:12:35It's good. Yeah.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38And I'm sure some of you can tell, I am descended from immigrants.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41LAUGHTER
0:12:41 > 0:12:42Which is always a contentious thing to say
0:12:42 > 0:12:44because especially in current society,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47whenever you hear the word 'immigrant' people start going
0:12:47 > 0:12:49into the rhetoric. "These immigrants are coming here
0:12:49 > 0:12:53"and they are stealing our jobs. What's happened to my country?
0:12:53 > 0:12:57"These immigrants are coming here and they are stealing our jobs."
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Let me ask you guys a question.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01You ever seen a job getting stolen before?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06I've never seen a job getting stolen before.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09I've never seen terrorists go into an open-plan office and be like,
0:13:09 > 0:13:13"Are you here for secretary interview?"
0:13:13 > 0:13:14"Erm, yes. Yes, I am."
0:13:14 > 0:13:19"Well, this is a hijack, and you play it cool, we get this job together."
0:13:19 > 0:13:22"Now, you tell 'em you can work well as an individual."
0:13:22 > 0:13:23"I can work well as an individual."
0:13:23 > 0:13:25"And as part of a team."
0:13:25 > 0:13:28"I'm very good with teamwork as well as my own initiative. I'm..."
0:13:28 > 0:13:32"Now, you tell 'em you can use all the Microsoft Office applications...
0:13:32 > 0:13:34"..including Microsoft Access."
0:13:35 > 0:13:37"Nobody can use Microsoft Access.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39- LAUGHTER - "I don't want to die."
0:13:41 > 0:13:42That's never happened before.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47You know, I grew up in South London. I've never been walking down
0:13:47 > 0:13:49the street with my friends and a police van pulls up and says,
0:13:49 > 0:13:51"Can we speak to you boys for a second, please?"
0:13:51 > 0:13:53"I'm sorry, what's this about, Officer?"
0:13:53 > 0:13:55"Been a few job thefts in the area and er...
0:13:55 > 0:13:57LAUGHTER
0:13:57 > 0:13:58"..just wanted to make some enquiries."
0:13:58 > 0:14:01"Well, excuse me. I'm an unemployed drug dealer.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, Officer."
0:14:05 > 0:14:07"No, no, don't try it. You seem well-dressed.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09"You appear educated and I can see in your eyes distinct signs
0:14:09 > 0:14:11"of career aspirations.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14"I don't know about you boys, looks a bit ambitious.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16"Let's do a quick check.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21"Hold on a minute, there's a USB key here.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23"Just give that a quick check, Sarge.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24- "There's a CV on this USB key! - LAUGHTER
0:14:24 > 0:14:27"How are you in possession of a curriculum vitae?"
0:14:27 > 0:14:30"Don't know what you're talking about. Must have been planted on me."
0:14:30 > 0:14:33"You're under arrest for stealing jobs. Get in the van.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36"Imagine looking for recruitment in broad daylight."
0:14:36 > 0:14:37- LAUGHTER - That never happens.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40I don't imagine any of you guys have ever been out with your friends
0:14:40 > 0:14:42having after-work drinks, having a good time, like,
0:14:42 > 0:14:45"Hey, guys, we're having a great time. What a great week. Oh...
0:14:45 > 0:14:46"Oh.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- "Sorry, has anyone seen my job? I... - LAUGHTER
0:14:50 > 0:14:53"Look, guys, stop. Seriously, I can't find my job anywhere.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58"Guys, I think someone's taken my job. No, I...
0:14:58 > 0:15:00"No. I went into the toilet, I was a paralegal secretary.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04"I've come out. I can't find my job anywhere and...
0:15:04 > 0:15:06"Well, they've taken my maternity leave.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08"I was going to have a baby with that."
0:15:08 > 0:15:10And then someone comes up to me and they're like,
0:15:10 > 0:15:12"Hey, sorry to disturb you. I saw the whole thing.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15"There were some Romanians in here earlier and they...
0:15:15 > 0:15:16LAUGHTER
0:15:16 > 0:15:19"..appeared to be interested in the legal profession. So, you know."
0:15:20 > 0:15:23That never happens. Never happens.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25But I want to confess something to you guys
0:15:25 > 0:15:27cos I feel like we're all family now.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33I just want to say to the ladies in the room that,
0:15:33 > 0:15:35it's not easy having a penis.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39No, no. I know we make it look like a lot of fun
0:15:39 > 0:15:41but with great power comes great responsibility.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43LAUGHTER
0:15:47 > 0:15:49So, it's not always easy being a man cos, you know,
0:15:49 > 0:15:50I'll do a quick check now.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52How many men in here are proud to still be virgins?
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- Any male virgins in the room? - SPORADIC SHOUTING
0:15:56 > 0:15:58OK. One guy.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01One guy. That's the thing.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04As much as men talk about sex, we hardly ever acknowledge the fact
0:16:04 > 0:16:07that we were virgins at some point. We never acknowledge our virginity.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10I grew up in South London where I never had the best sex education.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Where I grew up you got sex tips like,
0:16:12 > 0:16:14"Well, you know what, yeah. "If you drink Coke and she drinks
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Pepsi, she can't get pregnant, so..."
0:16:22 > 0:16:24That's not helpful. Not helpful.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28For me, I remember what it was like to be, like, a virgin.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31I remember when I first became sexually aware,
0:16:31 > 0:16:34I woke up with two new friends - my virginity and my libido.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37But my libido was too weak and small and inexperienced to talk.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39So, my virginity did all the introductions.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41He was like, "Hey, Dane, I'm your virginity.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44"I'm going to make sure that you remain pure and innocent
0:16:44 > 0:16:46"and you can't have sex for a very long time. Yay!"
0:16:46 > 0:16:48"How are you going to do that, Virginity?"
0:16:48 > 0:16:51"Well, basically, I'm going to make sure your voice never breaks and
0:16:51 > 0:16:53"takes a long time and you don't grow any pubic hair,
0:16:53 > 0:16:56"so you think you have a medical condition. Yay!"
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Which made it very difficult for me to speak to girls. Cos I'd be with a
0:16:59 > 0:17:02girl and be like, "Hey, Simone. I really like you." She'd be like,
0:17:02 > 0:17:05"Oh, I like you too, Dane. Maybe we should take this to the next level."
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Then my virginity would be like, "He does like you, Simone, but he
0:17:07 > 0:17:11"likes PlayStation and Fifa and comic books and milkshakes and purity. Yay!"
0:17:12 > 0:17:14It was tough. And then my parents would get involved.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17My mum would say, "Dane, your virginity keeps destroying your
0:17:17 > 0:17:21"socks. I'm not going to buy you any more till you get that under control."
0:17:23 > 0:17:26And then my virginity would chime in again and be like,
0:17:26 > 0:17:28"He's just exploring himself and sex by himself
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- "is the safest way to have it. Yay!" - LAUGHTER
0:17:31 > 0:17:33And that was the early part of my teenage years until finally
0:17:33 > 0:17:36my libido got big enough and strong enough to approach me too.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38He came up to me one day too and was like,
0:17:38 > 0:17:40IN LOW VOICE: "Hey, Dane, can I speak to you for a second, please?"
0:17:40 > 0:17:43LAUGHTER
0:17:43 > 0:17:44"What's this about, Libido?"
0:17:44 > 0:17:46"Well, it's about your virginity.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49"I was thinking it's about time that we got rid of him."
0:17:50 > 0:17:52"What are you saying?"
0:17:52 > 0:17:54"I'm saying that we take him out...
0:17:55 > 0:17:57"..permanently."
0:17:58 > 0:18:00VIRGINITY: "What are you guys talking about?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02"Is it purity and innocence? Yay!"
0:18:03 > 0:18:06LIBIDO: "Oh, Virginity, I didn't realise you were here.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08"Why don't you come along for a ride to Simone's house?"
0:18:08 > 0:18:11LAUGHTER
0:18:11 > 0:18:14And just like that, after having that companion for 18 years,
0:18:14 > 0:18:18my virginity was gone in seven minutes and 23 seconds.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19LAUGHTER
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Er, that's two R&B songs, thank you very much.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22LAUGHTER
0:18:23 > 0:18:26And the thing is, I didn't really think I would miss my virginity
0:18:26 > 0:18:29but my life was a lot less complicated before sex came along.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Cos all I have left now is my libido
0:18:31 > 0:18:34and we have very different conversations compared to what I had
0:18:34 > 0:18:35with my virginity.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Cos I'd be out with my libido on a weekend and he'd be like,
0:18:37 > 0:18:41"Hey, Dane, you see that girl in the dress over there?"
0:18:41 > 0:18:43And I'd be like, "Yeah, she must be cold, it is November."
0:18:43 > 0:18:45"What the fuck did you just say?"
0:18:45 > 0:18:48"Oh... No. No, I see her.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- "Oh, boobies. Blah, blah, blah." - LAUGHTER
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Cos that's the thing, once your libido awakens
0:18:56 > 0:18:58then it takes over your body as a man
0:18:58 > 0:18:59and becomes the CEO of your manhood.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03And it's backed by the major shareholders The Balls Brothers.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06LAUGHTER
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Some very heartless capitalists down there.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12It's tough because despite having the best moral intentions,
0:19:12 > 0:19:15you've always got stakeholders with their own agenda.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Cos I've come to them with very noble proposals like,
0:19:17 > 0:19:21"Hey, guys. I'm thinking about maybe giving part of myself to somebody.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23"Getting out of the game, settling down and raising a family."
0:19:23 > 0:19:26And they'll say, "Well, Dane, thank you for coming to the meeting.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28"While we understand your need for paternity leave,
0:19:28 > 0:19:31"there are still markets in Asia you have yet to exploit."
0:19:31 > 0:19:33LAUGHTER
0:19:35 > 0:19:36"Well, what does that mean?"
0:19:36 > 0:19:38"It means, until you've been with a blonde Eskimo,
0:19:38 > 0:19:40"you're never getting out of the game."
0:19:40 > 0:19:41LAUGHTER
0:19:41 > 0:19:44"Cos we down here are all about diversity, Dane."
0:19:44 > 0:19:45LAUGHTER
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for listening.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50I've been Dane Baptiste. I'll see you guys soon. Thank you.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Dane Baptiste, ladies and gentlemen.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Oh, Mexican Splash. Are you having a good time?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Helium Balloon.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10OK, are you ready for your next act?
0:20:10 > 0:20:12CHEERING
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Put your hands together, go wild.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Welcome onto the stage Al Porter.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Hello. Are you all having a goodnight?
0:20:28 > 0:20:29CHEERING
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Wow, what an amazing theatre.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33It's great to be here. My name is Al.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35I'm 22.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38If any of you are wondering looking at me,
0:20:38 > 0:20:39and I know some of you do wonder, you know
0:20:39 > 0:20:43"Oh... Is he, isn't he?"
0:20:43 > 0:20:44LAUGHTER
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Obviously, I am.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47I'm from Dublin.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49LAUGHTER
0:20:49 > 0:20:51I'm actually from quite a rough part of Dublin.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53I know I'm overdressed but look at my face.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55I think if you can't hide it, decorate it.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58And I'm from a council estate.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Where I'm from it's the kind of place where Father's Day
0:21:01 > 0:21:03is a very mysterious day.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05LAUGHTER
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Father's Day on my estate is like Halloween.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Kids go door-to-door.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14"How are you, Da? How are you, Da? How are you, Da?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- "Ma, who else is on your list?" - LAUGHTER
0:21:17 > 0:21:20We have newsagents for Father's Day that just have cards that read,
0:21:20 > 0:21:21"To whom it concerns."
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Nice place, though. I mean, my da is a working-class man's man.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29You know, he's from the inner-city. His name is Mick.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33You know, he's a real man's man from the inner-city.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35When he had his son, he wasn't expecting me.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36LAUGHTER
0:21:36 > 0:21:37He always says to me,
0:21:37 > 0:21:41"I thought growing up with the lads around here would have hardened ya."
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- And I said, "It did." - LAUGHTER
0:21:44 > 0:21:47APPLAUSE
0:21:48 > 0:21:51We were very happy this year. Great year for the gays in Ireland.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54You know, first country in the world to introduce same-sex marriage
0:21:54 > 0:21:56- by popular vote. - CHEERING
0:21:58 > 0:22:00I think my dad was very happy about it.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04You know, for years he was saying he wanted to give me away.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08And my favourite thing about gay marriage now is that finally
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Don't Tell The Bride is going to be a decent programme.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- LAUGHTER - I love it. I think it's great.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Especially if it's two women and we tell neither of them.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18LAUGHTER
0:22:18 > 0:22:21I watch that all the time with my mam and you would love my mother.
0:22:21 > 0:22:26My mother is like a jigsaw puzzle, where all the pieces do fit together
0:22:26 > 0:22:29but when you stand back you go, "Oh...
0:22:31 > 0:22:32"..they're not for the same picture."
0:22:32 > 0:22:34LAUGHTER
0:22:34 > 0:22:35She is brilliant.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38We were talking about boob jobs. You know, getting the titties done.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41And I told her I knew someone who had their fifth one done.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43And her reaction was, "Jesus!
0:22:43 > 0:22:45"Where would you get a bra with five tits on ya?"
0:22:45 > 0:22:48LAUGHTER
0:22:48 > 0:22:50But some people would look down on that. I think that's great.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Can you imagine how enjoyable your life would be,
0:22:53 > 0:22:58if you woke up every morning and had no idea what was going on?
0:22:58 > 0:22:59LAUGHTER
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Like, it's so enjoyable.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03I wake up, I worry about tax and insurance and all that.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06She wakes up and goes, "Ha, I'm alive again. That's great."
0:23:06 > 0:23:08And just goes about her day.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11So we'll watch Don't Tell The Bride, right.
0:23:11 > 0:23:12Now, if you don't know it,
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Don't Tell The Bride is where a woman forgoes her dignity...
0:23:15 > 0:23:17LAUGHTER
0:23:17 > 0:23:19..so that the telly will pay for her wedding.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21And she always sits right...
0:23:21 > 0:23:24So, she sits looking at the camera, doesn't she, girls?
0:23:24 > 0:23:28And she's going, "Oh, I'm very nervous. Yeah.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31"He can be a bit of an 'ejeet', really.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33"I hope he doesn't ruin it.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36"Like, I love him but he's a bit of an arse hole.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38- "Do you know what I mean?" - LAUGHTER
0:23:38 > 0:23:40And I hate to generalise
0:23:40 > 0:23:44but this is where the woman you are watching it with loses her shit.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49I don't watch it, I watch my mam.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Cos the woman on the telly is going, "I'm very nervous.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54"Like, will he get me the right venue? The right flowers?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56"The right dress?"
0:23:56 > 0:23:58And my mother is going, "Just tell him what you want."
0:23:59 > 0:24:01"Just tell him what you want.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03"Why would you leave it to chance? Just tell him what you want."
0:24:03 > 0:24:06"Will he get me the right kind of band? I always wanted a swing band.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07"You know what I mean?"
0:24:07 > 0:24:09"Did you tell him you wanted a swing band?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12"Why don't you tell him you want a swing band, he'll get you a swing
0:24:12 > 0:24:14"band. Why would you leave it to chance?"
0:24:14 > 0:24:16"Will he get me the right honeymoon? I always wanted to Barbados."
0:24:16 > 0:24:18"Tell him you want to go to Barbados.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20"Tell him what you want.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22"Three months, you're getting e-mails -
0:24:22 > 0:24:24"'You will be on Don't Tell The Bride.'
0:24:24 > 0:24:26"Tell him what you want, you mad bitch."
0:24:26 > 0:24:28LAUGHTER
0:24:32 > 0:24:36One time it was so bad she left the room.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37She actually got up and goes,
0:24:37 > 0:24:39"I can't be in the same room as that 'ejeet'."
0:24:39 > 0:24:41LAUGHTER
0:24:41 > 0:24:43But the thing is the woman did tell him what she wanted
0:24:43 > 0:24:47but he's always a manly, manly man.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50He's Tadhg from the country.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52There's cutaways of him grazing in fields.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54"How ya getting on?"
0:24:54 > 0:24:58"Just organising the wedding. How are you? Are you well?"
0:24:58 > 0:25:01He's so butch, he's the kind of man who could shop in Jack & Jones.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Oh, Jack & Jones is the straightest clothing in the world.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06Oh, no, it is.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10They could do tokens for the men who shop there to save them time.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Just walk in and the woman goes, "What can I get you?"
0:25:14 > 0:25:17- And they go, "Two clothes, please." - LAUGHTER
0:25:17 > 0:25:18"What are you looking for?"
0:25:18 > 0:25:20"The top half and the bottom half.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24"Thank you very much."
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Yet invariably, every episode -
0:25:26 > 0:25:30and this really pisses me off - ends the same way.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34She just sits there going, "Oh, he did a great job really.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36"Yeah, it was amazing."
0:25:36 > 0:25:38And then she's done up as a Star Trek character.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39LAUGHTER
0:25:40 > 0:25:43She's had to get married on the back of a chip van.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47"Oh, yeah. I always wanted to honeymoon in Glasgow."
0:25:49 > 0:25:50And I'm going,
0:25:50 > 0:25:52"Ya lying bitch."
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Cos she's lying.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56She didn't love it.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58She loved that she didn't pay for it.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02I want an honest episode. Do you know what I mean?
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Like, one where the girl walks into the venue and she goes,
0:26:05 > 0:26:09HUMS WEDDING MARCH BY FELIX MENDELSSOHN
0:26:09 > 0:26:11"Oh...
0:26:11 > 0:26:13HE SHRIEKS
0:26:13 > 0:26:15HE SHRIEKS LOUDER
0:26:15 > 0:26:18HE SHRIEKS HYSTERICALLY
0:26:18 > 0:26:19You ruined it!!
0:26:19 > 0:26:21LAUGHTER
0:26:22 > 0:26:24HE SOBS
0:26:24 > 0:26:27I. Fucked. Your. Brother. Anyway.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29LAUGHTER
0:26:32 > 0:26:34That I would watch.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40I tell you one thing, I overheard my da describing me recently.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41I was in the football club.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44I was getting him a pint and I was over here, let's say.
0:26:44 > 0:26:49He's talking to men who haven't seen me since I was, like, ten years old.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52And I heard him go, "That's Al, me youngest.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54"I'm very proud of him.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55"Very proud of him.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57"Being an entertainer, following his dream.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00"Rings his mother every day. Very proud of him."
0:27:00 > 0:27:01And I thought, "That's lovely."
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Cos he would never say anything like that to my face.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05And then I heard him say...
0:27:06 > 0:27:08"Fucking goes around giving blow jobs."
0:27:08 > 0:27:10LAUGHTER
0:27:12 > 0:27:15He says, "I tell you, lads, he doesn't get that from me.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18"And he certainly doesn't get it from his mother."
0:27:18 > 0:27:20LAUGHTER
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Apollo, you've been lovely. I love you very much.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26- Thank you and goodnight. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:29 > 0:27:34Al Porter, ladies and gentlemen. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Woo! Ah, what a brilliant night.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42- You had a goodnight, Mexican Splash?- Yeah.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Brilliant. What about you, Helium Balloon?
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Show's over but me and you could go backstage.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53I've got some fresh moccasins. LAUGHTER
0:27:53 > 0:27:57Ladies and gentlemen, it's been amazing. You've been beautiful.
0:27:57 > 0:28:02Let's have...a round of applause for Dane Baptiste, ladies and gentlemen!
0:28:04 > 0:28:07Al Porter, ladies and gentlemen!
0:28:09 > 0:28:11You've been absolutely amazing.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Thank you. I've been Noel Fielding. Cheers! Goodnight!