0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:09 > 0:00:15MUSIC: Are You Gonna Be My Girl by Jet
0:00:17 > 0:00:22Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight -
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Romesh Ranganathan!
0:00:25 > 0:00:26CHEERING
0:00:26 > 0:00:28MUSIC PLAYS
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Good evening, Hammersmith Apollo.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44CHEERING
0:00:44 > 0:00:45How are we doing? We good?
0:00:45 > 0:00:47CHEERING
0:00:47 > 0:00:48I'm hosting this bitch.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50CHEERING
0:00:50 > 0:00:54Nice to be here, man. Nice to be here. I'm very excited.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57I'm really excited, man. I'll be honest, I'm a bit tired.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00I am tired, man. I'll tell you why - a few months ago,
0:01:00 > 0:01:03my wife gave birth to our third child.
0:01:03 > 0:01:04CHEERING
0:01:04 > 0:01:05Well, thank you very much,
0:01:05 > 0:01:08but I don't know if I want a third child or not.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11It's just too many, innit?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14I know it's late in the day to be having doubts, but...
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Jesus Christ, there's too many people in the world.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19But I've had another one.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Has anyone here got more than two kids?
0:01:21 > 0:01:22UNENTHUSIASTIC CHEERING
0:01:22 > 0:01:24See what I mean? It's a mistake.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27What a massive error, man, but what can you do?
0:01:27 > 0:01:29You can't kill them.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Just got to sit there and wait to die.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35just, "Ugh...happiness is gone, man,
0:01:35 > 0:01:38"I'm just going to wait for this to end, I think."
0:01:38 > 0:01:39First kid's lovely.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42The second one's a prick - that-that's the honest truth of it.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48What an unacceptable human being this little arsehole is. I mean...
0:01:50 > 0:01:52..we're doing these behaviour charts, man.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55You know, when they get stickers for if they're good.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56The first one, he's so lovely.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59SWEETLY: "Hello, Daddy. How can I help you, Daddy?
0:02:02 > 0:02:03"Love you, Daddy."
0:02:04 > 0:02:07So we got targets for him to get stickers like,
0:02:07 > 0:02:10"Be good today," "Be helpful to your friends."
0:02:10 > 0:02:14The second one, you can't have those targets, man.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16You got to ratchet the targets down for this arsehole.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21You've got to have things like, "Don't burn anything."
0:02:22 > 0:02:24"No knife crime." These are the...
0:02:24 > 0:02:27These are the targets you've got to have for this shithead.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Anyway, he got to a point...where he managed to get five stickers.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Not that impressive - it's over a six-month period, right?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37But he got five stickers and I said to him,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40"We can get you a couple of things, buy you a couple of presents."
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Went down to the shop, he chose two things.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43He chose a Spider-Man costume
0:02:43 > 0:02:46and he chose a little pushchair with a little doll in it.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52I said to him, "You can have both those things."
0:02:52 > 0:02:56The problem was that he wanted to use those things at the same time.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59So the next time I went out with him, we're down the park
0:02:59 > 0:03:02with this kid with a Spider-Man costume pushing a pushchair,
0:03:02 > 0:03:04looking like a Father For Justice.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Just a horrendous little tribute act.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13But it does make you worry, you know.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16It makes me worry, "Am I a good enough person to have kids?"
0:03:16 > 0:03:17I don't know.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21I'm trying to get more intellectual, starting to read articles and stuff,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24trying to be more newsy, get more newsy,
0:03:24 > 0:03:25get more clued-up about stuff.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I read this article recently about rap music.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30I'm a massive rap fan. Are there rap fans in?
0:03:30 > 0:03:31CHEERING
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Big up yourselves, yeah?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I'm a massive rap fan. I was reading this article,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39it said that rap music can perpetuate negative stereotypes
0:03:39 > 0:03:40about black people.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Because if you don't know any black people,
0:03:42 > 0:03:45then you watch a Snoop Dogg video,
0:03:45 > 0:03:48apparently you think all black people are like that.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49It's a very interesting article.
0:03:49 > 0:03:54Also made me realise that I have 100% contributed to racism
0:03:54 > 0:03:56throughout my life.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00And I'll tell you why - I'm such a grumpy prick when I'm out and about
0:04:00 > 0:04:04that if you bumped into me and you were on the fence about Asians...
0:04:09 > 0:04:11..I reckon I'd push you over.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13I think I'm part of the problem.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Because white people - you don't realise how lucky you are.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18If one of you is a prick to me, I just think you're a prick.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20I don't think all white people are pricks.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22I'm a bloody representative.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Your interactions with me determine how you feel about brown people.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28It's all right if I'm in London -
0:04:28 > 0:04:31there's enough browns to balance it out, right?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33But if I'm in bloody Devon...
0:04:36 > 0:04:38..I've got to behave like I'm C-3PO.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42AS C-3PO: "No, sir, I'm not a local." You know? And...
0:04:48 > 0:04:50And, the truth is, I don't get that much racism. I get funny shit.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I'll get like an older guy come up to me and go,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55"Do you know what? You're one of the good ones."
0:04:58 > 0:05:01And I think that's funny. I've got no issue with that.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03I think if you've got an issue with that,
0:05:03 > 0:05:05you need to get the chip off your shoulder, do you know what I mean?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07If you're older and you grew up in a time
0:05:07 > 0:05:09when it's all right to say stuff like that,
0:05:09 > 0:05:13and then times move on and you're not politically correct any more,
0:05:13 > 0:05:15that's not your bloody fault.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18I think if you're older, you should just be given a card...
0:05:19 > 0:05:22..that says, "I can call you what I want."
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Cos older people have got enough shit to worry about
0:05:24 > 0:05:27without worrying about being politically correct, haven't they?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29"Got a false hip, I pissed myself this morning...
0:05:30 > 0:05:34"..now you're telling me I can't say 'darkie'?!" You know?
0:05:37 > 0:05:40I'm quite happy, if I bump into an older person, just to give them
0:05:40 > 0:05:43the old wobble-head to make them feel comfortable. Know what I mean?
0:05:43 > 0:05:46EXAGGERATED SOUTH ASIAN ACCENT: "Thank you very much, sir.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48"No problem at all. You're very kind."
0:05:48 > 0:05:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:53 > 0:05:55"Bud-bud-ding-ding, two-ninety-nine."
0:05:55 > 0:05:56It's just a sign of respect.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01I started to... I did start to get worried, though,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03because I was sort of thinking, in the run-up to the last election,
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Ukip were starting to get popular
0:06:05 > 0:06:09and I was thinking, "Oh, God. What does that mean for my family?"
0:06:09 > 0:06:12And then I realised I don't actually know anything about Ukip.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13So I thought, you know,
0:06:13 > 0:06:15"I'll go and check it out, see what they're all about."
0:06:15 > 0:06:17I went to the website.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Do you know what? It's a nice website.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Easy-to-navigate menus.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Just thought, "It's all right, I'm on board with this."
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Started looking at the policies, start thinking, "Do you know what?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30"I don't know if I disagree with a lot of this.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33"Want to take tax off the minimum wage, I'm in total agreement."
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Got to the end of it and I thought, "Holy shit...
0:06:36 > 0:06:37"I think I might be Ukip."
0:06:39 > 0:06:41I got on the phone to my mum, I said to her,
0:06:41 > 0:06:43"Mum, what have you REALLY contributed?"
0:06:48 > 0:06:51And do you know what? I wasn't that happy with her answers.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52That's the honest truth of it.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54She might have to go.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02My mum, she actually, um...
0:07:02 > 0:07:05She doesn't think I'm a proper Asian.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08That's the sad thing about it. My mum calls me a coconut.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Don't know if you've heard this term -
0:07:14 > 0:07:16brown on the outside, white on the inside.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18That's what my mum calls me. "You're a coconut."
0:07:20 > 0:07:22The reason my mum calls me a coconut
0:07:22 > 0:07:24is because I'm originally Sri Lankan,
0:07:24 > 0:07:27my mother tongue is Tamil, I can't speak it.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30And the reason I can't speak it is because my mum and dad
0:07:30 > 0:07:32never spoke it to me when I was growing up,
0:07:32 > 0:07:33and now I don't know it...
0:07:35 > 0:07:36..and my mum blames me.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40So she'd go to me... HE IMITATES TAMIL
0:07:40 > 0:07:43"I don't know what you're on about." "Why don't you know?!"
0:07:48 > 0:07:51And then we'll go out and my mum will slag me off
0:07:51 > 0:07:54to her Sri Lankan friends in front of me.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Like I don't know what's going on. Do you know what I mean?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59HE IMITATES TAMIL "..coconut..."
0:07:59 > 0:08:00"Er, I know what you're saying, Mum.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05"I know what you're saying. I get the gist."
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Then she'd try to code that shit up so I don't understand.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12HE IMITATES TAMIL "..Bounty..."
0:08:12 > 0:08:13"I know what a Bounty is!"
0:08:19 > 0:08:21HE IMITATES TAMIL "..Kinder Surprise..."
0:08:21 > 0:08:23"All right, Mum!"
0:08:30 > 0:08:33I worry about... I worry about lots of things.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36You know, getting older, I started to worry about the end of the world.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39I don't know if that's something anybody else worries about,
0:08:39 > 0:08:41but I started to get really nervous about Ebola.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Really scared the shit out of me.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45And I tell you why it scared the shit out of me -
0:08:45 > 0:08:49because they've got screenings at the airports in this country,
0:08:49 > 0:08:50and they're voluntary.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55They're voluntary screenings, man!
0:08:55 > 0:08:59Who is going to spend more time at the airport
0:08:59 > 0:09:01to find out if they might have Ebola?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03"I've got a massive Toblerone to tuck into, mate -
0:09:03 > 0:09:07"I haven't got time to find out if I'm going to die today."
0:09:07 > 0:09:11It's difficult enough to fly out of this country as it is,
0:09:11 > 0:09:13the security measures are disgraceful.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15I'm going through a midlife crisis.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18I wore a camouflage jacket to Heathrow a few weeks ago.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22I might as well have said, "Could I please have a rectal exam?"
0:09:22 > 0:09:26I said to my friends, "I'm done with this airport security.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29"I'm so done with it. I'm fed up with it."
0:09:29 > 0:09:33Do you know what she said to me? "Don't be so bloody selfish.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35"Do you know why we've got those security measures?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37"Because we don't want the terrorists to win.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40"So why don't you suck it up, Romesh?
0:09:40 > 0:09:44"We don't want the terrorists to win, OK?"
0:09:44 > 0:09:46I understand that argument
0:09:46 > 0:09:49but how do we know what the terrorists' initial goal was?
0:09:49 > 0:09:54What if their initial goal was just to make air travel fucking annoying?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Because if that was their initial goal, mate,
0:10:01 > 0:10:03they've smashed it out the park.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06"We don't want the terrorists to win."
0:10:06 > 0:10:08"Yeah, just put your belt in that bucket, nobhead.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10"Congratulations on your victory."
0:10:13 > 0:10:17"The infidels will have to take their shoes off even if it's an internal flight!"
0:10:17 > 0:10:19HE LAUGHS EVILLY
0:10:23 > 0:10:26There's lots of signs of the end of the world, aren't there?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29These diseases are one of them. Another one is Gogglebox.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36It's definitely the end of the world, innit?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39People are watching people watch television.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Does that not feel like the end of the world to you?
0:10:42 > 0:10:43Does anyone here watch Gogglebox?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45CHEERING
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Yeah, you should be executed.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53I can't believe this TV programme exists, man.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54I can't believe it.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58What a damning indictment of every other piece of TV that's being made.
0:10:58 > 0:11:03Can you imagine, you poured your heart and soul into some drama
0:11:03 > 0:11:06and you say, "How's the drama doing in the ratings?"
0:11:06 > 0:11:08"Not that well, mate." "What's it being beaten by?"
0:11:08 > 0:11:11"It's being beaten by some people that are WATCHING the drama."
0:11:14 > 0:11:16What a kick in the dick.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Listen, I don't deny it's entertaining.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23I don't deny it's entertaining watching Gogglebox
0:11:23 > 0:11:27but the problem is it puts you under pressure in your own house.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Puts you under pressure, man.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33I don't want to have performance anxiety before I watch TV.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37Cos I'll sit down to watch TV, we'll flick it on, Gogglebox is on,
0:11:37 > 0:11:39they're all like banter, banter, banter.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42And then my wife will go, "Why is not like this when we watch TV?"
0:11:42 > 0:11:45"I'll tell you why it's not like this,
0:11:45 > 0:11:48"cos we switch this on so I don't have to talk to you."
0:11:53 > 0:11:57That's the whole point of TV. "This has died, let's switch this on.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59"I've got my phone here,
0:11:59 > 0:12:02"you're literally third in line in terms of my attention."
0:12:06 > 0:12:09I know I don't sound like a good husband, I'm aware of that.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14I sort of realised I should be a better husband but I can't be arsed.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16My wife deserves better,
0:12:16 > 0:12:19she needs a better man but I've got no inclination to be that person.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23I'm sort of thinking what should I do? I decided the best solution -
0:12:23 > 0:12:25let her have a boyfriend.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I really think that's the best solution.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Once you get over the initial stigma,
0:12:31 > 0:12:33what a wonderful solution to the situation that is.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Don't have to worry about childcare -
0:12:36 > 0:12:38we've got an extra baby-sitter in Andy.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40You got a mate!
0:12:42 > 0:12:44You don't have to worry about your sexual performance
0:12:44 > 0:12:47cos Andy's smashing it on the regular.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55It's a win-win situation, and you can try and psyche each other out,
0:12:55 > 0:12:57you can say, "Andy, let's go out for a drink."
0:12:57 > 0:12:59You know when you complain about your other half?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Now you're complaining about the same person.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Complaining about the same person, bruv.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06You can try and psyche him out by saying things like,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09"Isn't it weird when she does her multiple orgasm face?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11"Oh, you haven't seen it?"
0:13:15 > 0:13:18I'm addicted to my phone, man, I'm addicted to my phone.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Are there any iPhone users in?
0:13:20 > 0:13:21CHEERING
0:13:21 > 0:13:22Any Android phone users in?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24CHEERING
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Yeah, I got a problem with you.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30What a self-satisfied, smug bunch of pricks you are.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Oh, my God. Aren't they proud of themselves
0:13:35 > 0:13:37that they've got an Android...
0:13:37 > 0:13:39"Have you got an iPhone?" "Er, no!
0:13:39 > 0:13:41"I'm not a sheep.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46"I can make up my own mind about what phone I buy,
0:13:46 > 0:13:49"thank you very much."
0:13:49 > 0:13:53You haven't unplugged from The Matrix, all right?
0:13:53 > 0:13:58You're not off the grid because you bought a Samsung, all right?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01It's a massive corporation, it's not a little family owned business,
0:14:01 > 0:14:06two brothers Sam and Sung who set up a little market stall
0:14:06 > 0:14:08and knock out phones.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14You're not better than me, all right?
0:14:14 > 0:14:18And they love talking about the battery life, oh, my God.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22"I imagine you're looking for a plug point?"
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Shut up, mate!
0:14:25 > 0:14:28The shit battery life on smartphones is the best thing about them
0:14:28 > 0:14:31cos when the battery runs out, then I'll interact with my kids.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Cos I've got no willpower.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37I'll be down the park, I'll be like, "That's run out.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40"Better find out where they're going with those old men."
0:14:46 > 0:14:50The phone companies have got to admit that they've made
0:14:50 > 0:14:52the phones too good.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56They're too good for humans.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59They are. Because I'll be out with my wife and she'll say to me,
0:14:59 > 0:15:02"Why are you constantly - you're constantly, you're constantly
0:15:02 > 0:15:04"on the phone. You're constantly..."
0:15:04 > 0:15:07"Why not, madam?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10"I've got a little box here that can access any website,
0:15:10 > 0:15:13"I can play games, I can watch films,
0:15:13 > 0:15:16"why the fuck would I want to hear about your rash?"
0:15:20 > 0:15:23"There is nothing you can say to me that can compete with this.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26"I'm watching Game Of Thrones. Say something better than that."
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35You ready for our first act this evening?
0:15:37 > 0:15:42Ladies and gentlemen, go wild, go crazy for the fantastic Jason Byrne!
0:15:42 > 0:15:44CHEERING
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Hello!
0:15:58 > 0:16:03OK, so I was Australia, right? What a place. Any Australians here?
0:16:03 > 0:16:04CHEERING
0:16:04 > 0:16:08See? They sound like nice people, don't they?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10They're not. They're horrible.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15You don't know this.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18You see them on the telly on Bondi Rescue going,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:- "Look, we just rescued that guy. Aren't we nice?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23"Yes, we are nice.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26"We're always nice. Look at this, it's nice here.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30"Do you want a smoothie? That'd be nice. We're nice."
0:16:30 > 0:16:32They're not!
0:16:32 > 0:16:35They say terrible things, right?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37And the reason why they can say terrible things is that they
0:16:37 > 0:16:40live miles away.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43And you can't get to them on time. They'll say something terrible,
0:16:43 > 0:16:47it'll take you four days to get there, right?
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Then by the time you get there you forget why you went there, right?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53So, while I was there...
0:16:53 > 0:16:57I left the place, I was leaving, cos my friend Tom,
0:16:57 > 0:16:59he's from Perth, and he said, "Where are you going?"
0:16:59 > 0:17:01I says, "I'm going back to Britain and Ireland.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03"I'll be there for the summer." And he went,
0:17:03 > 0:17:06- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:- "That'll be nice, the summer there, that'll be nice."
0:17:06 > 0:17:10I went, "Well, not really. Be pretty shit, actually."
0:17:10 > 0:17:12He's never left Australia.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15He went, "Well, it's not going to be as hot as here but it'll still be nice."
0:17:15 > 0:17:18"No, it'll be kind of rainy and then sunny and then rainy again
0:17:18 > 0:17:22"and then sunny and then cold, then really hot, then freezing,
0:17:22 > 0:17:27then shit, then cloudy, rainy, snow. Don't know."
0:17:27 > 0:17:30I said, "Britain and Ireland, they're quite cold,
0:17:30 > 0:17:32"quite draughty places."
0:17:32 > 0:17:36And I couldn't believe this! He went, "What's a draught?"
0:17:38 > 0:17:40What's a draught?!
0:17:40 > 0:17:43I went, "What do you mean you don't know what a draught is?"
0:17:43 > 0:17:45He goes, "What is it?"
0:17:45 > 0:17:48"Well, it's, er, it's in your house."
0:17:54 > 0:17:56"That's where it exists, it goes into the bottom of the house
0:17:56 > 0:18:00"and goes upstairs and, er...
0:18:02 > 0:18:06"It's a draught, surely you know what a draught is."
0:18:06 > 0:18:09He goes, "There's a breeze in your house?!"
0:18:09 > 0:18:12He goes, "Is the front door open?"
0:18:13 > 0:18:15"No. No, that's closed.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18"And there's a draught excluder along the bottom here,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21"in the shape of a snake, to stop any type of wind getting in."
0:18:23 > 0:18:26And your dad has gotten some tissue and stuffed it in the bottom lock
0:18:26 > 0:18:29to stop any more breeze.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33In Britain and Ireland...
0:18:33 > 0:18:37We're the only people in the world that will go asleep to this
0:18:37 > 0:18:38noise, we don't mind.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41We will go and sleep in our freezing cold rooms beside a window
0:18:41 > 0:18:44and we will go asleep to this... We're the only people in the world
0:18:44 > 0:18:46who do this. We lie down and go to sleep to...
0:18:46 > 0:18:51HE MIMICS HARSH WIND CHANGING PITCH
0:19:15 > 0:19:18We just like misery. That's what we're like.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23I've been doing stand-up 20 years now.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I've been with my wife 18 years, which is great,
0:19:25 > 0:19:29cos I love her, it's brilliant.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Well done, all the ladies clapping. Well done.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38And this happened - the gastric flu came to our house, right?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Not at the door!
0:19:40 > 0:19:41In a hood...
0:19:41 > 0:19:43HE GROANS
0:19:43 > 0:19:45"I'm the gastric flu."
0:19:47 > 0:19:50I got it first, OK? I don't know if there's any doctors here
0:19:50 > 0:19:53but what happens is you puke quite a lot on the gastric flu.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56And me being a man, I'm not a good patient, OK?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59And I was getting sick and, as I was getting sick,
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I thought my heart was stopping,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03as I was getting sick.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05So I was in the toilet...
0:20:05 > 0:20:09I called to my wife, "Brenda?"
0:20:09 > 0:20:13She was in the kitchen, and 20 minutes later she came.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20She got in the doorway and went, "What? What?"
0:20:20 > 0:20:26I said, "Every time I get sick, my heart stops beating.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29"We might need to call an ambulance."
0:20:29 > 0:20:32And she, erm, she walked away.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38I could have died there, girls, I could have died.
0:20:38 > 0:20:43Right? And then about a week later I got better and then she got it, OK?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45I was delighted, right?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50In a lovely way, in a loving way, delighted.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58OK? And she was really bad.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02She was getting sick every hour as well except she's a lady.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Oh, my God, she played the sickness to her advantage.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08Cos she was in the toilet - this is no lie - and she was getting sick
0:21:08 > 0:21:13and at the same time she was trying on jeans. That is not a lie!
0:21:13 > 0:21:16That is how mental women are. She was going...
0:21:16 > 0:21:19And going, "Oh, my God, I'll be into these by 11 o'clock."
0:21:23 > 0:21:25What?!
0:21:25 > 0:21:28So she was shuffling around the house all day.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30She didn't do her hair or her make-up, she was in her
0:21:30 > 0:21:34dressing gown, she was really ill, and I didn't even notice, right?
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Cos I was better, so it didn't matter any more.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40So she sat down on the couch,
0:21:40 > 0:21:43it was about a quarter to six in the evening, OK?
0:21:43 > 0:21:45And I looked at her and said something you should never
0:21:45 > 0:21:48say to a lady at that hour, never, no matter where you are.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50I looked at her and I said,
0:21:50 > 0:21:54"Erm... Any chance of a dinner?"
0:21:59 > 0:22:02She looked at me and she went, "What did you just say?"
0:22:09 > 0:22:14In my innocence I went, "Erm... It's just that it's a quarter to six
0:22:14 > 0:22:19"and, erm, normally there's some sort of preparation in that area.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24"Like pots and pans. Is that...
0:22:24 > 0:22:27"is that not happening tonight, no?"
0:22:27 > 0:22:31She stood up and went, "Have you not seen how sick I am?
0:22:31 > 0:22:35"Puking everywhere, I've got a fever,
0:22:35 > 0:22:37"I just want someone to hold me!"
0:22:37 > 0:22:40She then just drifted off through the house, right?
0:22:41 > 0:22:45I could hear her like a ghost, just banging into shit and puking
0:22:45 > 0:22:49and pissing and moaning, right?
0:22:49 > 0:22:53Oh, and nobody got a dinner, by the way. Nobody.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57Me and the lads had to have Cheerios, which is disgraceful!
0:22:58 > 0:23:00So this went on all day,
0:23:00 > 0:23:03the moaning and no matter what I did it didn't matter.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06So about half ten at night I said, "Feck this, I'm going to bed,
0:23:06 > 0:23:09"I can't listen to this shit any more, right?"
0:23:09 > 0:23:11So I went up to bed and I was reading a book
0:23:11 > 0:23:14and about 11 o'clock when the kids are asleep,
0:23:14 > 0:23:17my wife appeared in the doorway, right?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19It was amazing. She had her bare leg and she was rubbing it up
0:23:19 > 0:23:22and down the doorframe.
0:23:22 > 0:23:27She looked at me and she went, "Do you fancy a bit of whoop-de-do?"
0:23:27 > 0:23:30I'm a married man - a lot of married people know what I'm talking about -
0:23:30 > 0:23:33that stuff doesn't just happen.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37I put the book down and went, "Er, yes, please."
0:23:42 > 0:23:45"I'd very much like some whoop-de-do, if that's OK."
0:23:45 > 0:23:49So she went, "Wait there," and she left.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52I took my socks off. I don't know why you do that.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Got some baby wipes, had a shower in the bed.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Watch out for the baby fresh smell, girls,
0:24:08 > 0:24:10when you return to the bedroom.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14And she appeared back in the doorway, right?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16And she was wearing a negligee, she looked amazing,
0:24:16 > 0:24:18I couldn't believe it!
0:24:18 > 0:24:23She just looked gorgeous, and she had flowers covering this bit
0:24:23 > 0:24:27and this bit and there was a deer jumping over here.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Men are so unusual, girls, we love to nearly see things.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35That's what we like to see - nearly.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38I've seen that a thousand times but still I was in the bed going,
0:24:38 > 0:24:42"Oh, my God, what's behind the flowers?
0:24:42 > 0:24:46"Oh, my God, she's hiding something. That deer's a dirty deer.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50"What's the deer doing? It's a dirty deer, it's jumping over something
0:24:50 > 0:24:53"and it's dirty. I'm going to find out what it is!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56"Dirty! Dirty, dirty deer. A dirty deer."
0:24:59 > 0:25:01She then got...
0:25:01 > 0:25:04she then got into the bed in her negligee.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06It was still on, I was so excited.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08She started kissing me very gently on the face, right?
0:25:08 > 0:25:10It was very nice, very beautiful.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13I was going, "Oh, my God, I'm loving this."
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Then it was my go and be careful, lads,
0:25:15 > 0:25:17if you haven't kissed your wife that gentle for a while,
0:25:17 > 0:25:20don't mess it up cos you can mess it up just like that.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23If you stick your nose in her eye, it's all over.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27That's how quick it can happen. Just kiss, kiss, eye.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29"Me feckin' eye!
0:25:29 > 0:25:32"I'm not in humour any more, that's over, this is over,
0:25:32 > 0:25:34"it's finished.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37"I'm going downstairs to watch Bake Off, you can sort yourself out."
0:25:40 > 0:25:42That wouldn't happen to a bloke.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46Even if your eye fell out in the middle of it...
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Your wife would be going, "What's wrong with you?"
0:26:01 > 0:26:03"Me eye fell out!"
0:26:04 > 0:26:09"Your what?" "Me eye! It's in me hand."
0:26:10 > 0:26:14"Do you want to stop?" "No!
0:26:14 > 0:26:17"Here, I'll put me eye on your arse, it'll be all right."
0:26:20 > 0:26:23"Oh, my God, I can see meself banging you - that's weird!"
0:26:25 > 0:26:26So...
0:26:30 > 0:26:32So...
0:26:32 > 0:26:34You have to be careful...
0:26:39 > 0:26:42I am not sitting beside my wife when this goes on telly.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46So...
0:26:46 > 0:26:49I kiss her very gently, avoiding the eye, right?
0:26:49 > 0:26:51And she was really liking it, she was going,
0:26:51 > 0:26:54"Oh, my God, you're such a beautiful husband, I love you so much.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57"Keep kissing me. Oh, I love it there, that's lovely as well.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59"Oh, my God, you're so brilliant, I love you."
0:26:59 > 0:27:02She's American for this bit, I don't know why.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06"I love you, keep kissing me, keep kissing me."
0:27:06 > 0:27:08And then she must have been really liking it cos she turned around
0:27:08 > 0:27:12and put her back to me and she went, "Do you want to try it this way?"
0:27:12 > 0:27:14I just went, "Oh, yeah."
0:27:15 > 0:27:19She put her back to me and she edged up to me and went...
0:27:19 > 0:27:22HE MAKES FART NOISE
0:27:22 > 0:27:26She then turned around, faced me, and went, "Ha!
0:27:26 > 0:27:28"Ya feckin' idiot!
0:27:30 > 0:27:32"I told you I was sick!"
0:27:39 > 0:27:43She goes, "I've been holding that in for an hour!
0:27:44 > 0:27:46"You want to see your face,
0:27:46 > 0:27:50"you actually thought you were going to get it, didn't you?!"
0:27:50 > 0:27:53She got out of the bed, took off the negligee,
0:27:53 > 0:27:57put her pyjamas back on - with the rabbits and the cats on it, right? -
0:27:57 > 0:28:00got back in, put a hot water bottle on her chest
0:28:00 > 0:28:03and laughed herself to sleep.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Thanks a million, ladies and gentlemen, you've been brilliant!
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Jason Byrne, ladies and gentlemen.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Ladies and gentlemen, ready for our next act?
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Oh, yes, we are.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Please go wild and crazy for the fantastic Stewart Francis!
0:28:28 > 0:28:32CHEERING
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Thank you, thank you very much.
0:28:47 > 0:28:51Let me just start by saying that it is an absolute pleasure...
0:28:51 > 0:28:53No, it is an absolute privilege
0:28:53 > 0:28:56to watch me perform.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59I don't have any parents.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01That I know of.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08I don't think that's how it goes.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10Of course I have parents.
0:29:10 > 0:29:11People say I sound very immature
0:29:11 > 0:29:15whenever I talk about my mommy and daddy.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17Those people are poo-poo heads.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21With stinky bums.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26Are my neighbours pleased I bought a didgeridoo?
0:29:26 > 0:29:29- No waaa-aah... - HE IMITATES DIDGERIDOO
0:29:39 > 0:29:41The seven of diamonds.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44Sorry, my mind's playing tricks with me.
0:29:48 > 0:29:52I recently did a very tasteless joke at an alopecia convention.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55Fortunately, it didn't raise any eyebrows.
0:30:01 > 0:30:04Today, my yoga instructor was really drunk,
0:30:04 > 0:30:06which put me in an awkward position.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13It's important in life that we overcome our fears.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15I once had a fear of climbing chestnut trees
0:30:15 > 0:30:17but I conquered it.
0:30:21 > 0:30:23There's some sick people in the world.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26Someone recently broke into my 97-year-old grandmother's flat
0:30:26 > 0:30:28and stole her limbo dancing trophy.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30How low can you get? Seriously.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35Some people wear too much mascara!
0:30:35 > 0:30:37Sorry, I hate when I lash out.
0:30:40 > 0:30:43Try not to rate women on a scale of one to ten
0:30:43 > 0:30:46but today at my poetry class I metaphor.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51I love games, although I hate Scrabble.
0:30:51 > 0:30:55I hate Scrabble so much I can't put it into words, I just...
0:30:58 > 0:31:01Hate's a strong word. Hated is stronger.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03Worth more points.
0:31:05 > 0:31:06I love Twister.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09And although I recently met a beautiful woman playing Twister,
0:31:09 > 0:31:12I don't know where I stand with her.
0:31:12 > 0:31:16She was the best Twister player I've ever seen, hands down.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21For me it's always hard talking to a pretty woman.
0:31:21 > 0:31:24And then she'll notice it and it'll go soft again.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33Is my French wife into golden showers?
0:31:33 > 0:31:34Oui.
0:31:34 > 0:31:37Oui, oui, oui.
0:31:38 > 0:31:40Toilet roll company Velvet
0:31:40 > 0:31:43say they replace three trees for every one tree they use.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46I don't know, it sounds like a lot of shit to me.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51I'm obsessed with toilet humour, according to my therapist,
0:31:51 > 0:31:53who is built like a brick shithouse.
0:31:55 > 0:31:57He accused me of being an in-denial stalker.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59I said, "I don't follow."
0:32:01 > 0:32:03He said, "I think you like to stalk people,
0:32:03 > 0:32:04"you just refuse to acknowledge it."
0:32:04 > 0:32:06I said, "I'm not with you."
0:32:08 > 0:32:10All of these jokes are in my autobiography.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13I've not been able to sell one copy of my autobiography.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17Story of my life.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22And yet, on the best seller list, the book I wrote about poo puns
0:32:22 > 0:32:24has just gone number two.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28Poo puns, I do do them.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32I do do other puns.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35I will be doing puns about Canadian wildlife.
0:32:35 > 0:32:37Bear with me.
0:32:37 > 0:32:39I don't do puns about lions.
0:32:39 > 0:32:40I pride myself on that.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45If you're hoping I don't do puns about people with crooked teeth,
0:32:45 > 0:32:46brace yourself.
0:32:48 > 0:32:51If you're waiting for me to do a pun about Peter Crouch wearing armour,
0:32:51 > 0:32:53you're in for a long night.
0:32:58 > 0:33:02I've been doing puns about Motown music ever since I was three,
0:33:02 > 0:33:03four tops.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08I now live in a caravan. I don't like living in a caravan.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11It's only when I moved my caravan beside a driving range
0:33:11 > 0:33:13that it really hit home.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16How many golf puns do I have?
0:33:16 > 0:33:18AUDIENCE: Fore!
0:33:18 > 0:33:19No, just the one.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21Fore - that's hilarious.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24Well done, you. How did I miss that?
0:33:24 > 0:33:26I feel I let you down.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29I'll never do that to you again.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32The first transgender person I ever met was my aunt,
0:33:32 > 0:33:34who was like a father to me.
0:33:38 > 0:33:42Even though it was 21 years ago that my father choked to death on sushi,
0:33:42 > 0:33:44it's still pretty raw.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49A lot of people think that my dad was a weirdo.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52But he wasn't, he was a lovely man - and a great kisser.
0:33:56 > 0:33:59My brother who's terrified of revolving doors
0:33:59 > 0:34:02is always in and out of hospital.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04My other brother who's impotent
0:34:04 > 0:34:08is a graffiti artist that you may have heard of - Blanksy?
0:34:08 > 0:34:10Don't worry, he's not here.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12He couldn't come.
0:34:15 > 0:34:17My other brother, we're very proud of him,
0:34:17 > 0:34:20he's Canada's first openly straight choreographer.
0:34:20 > 0:34:24He's got four kids, their ages are five, six, seven, eight.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29You guys have been amazing.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32There's old saying - time really flies when you're having fun and...
0:34:32 > 0:34:34Oh, for fuck's sake.
0:34:36 > 0:34:38I do have to leave.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41They say if you love what you do then it's not a job
0:34:41 > 0:34:45and I can, hand on heart, say this is the best job I've ever had.
0:34:45 > 0:34:47I've had a lot of jobs.
0:34:47 > 0:34:51I've had 12, 24, 36 - literally dozens of jobs.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56I've had so many jobs it's difficult to remember them all.
0:34:56 > 0:34:58I think I used to repair microwave ovens.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01That rings a bell.
0:35:01 > 0:35:05Working in a dark warehouse full of dildos always gave me the willies.
0:35:08 > 0:35:12Arriving at the stencil factory, I knew I had my work cut out for me.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15That was just the shape of things to come.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19I was recently fired as a, uh, Boy Scout leader.
0:35:19 > 0:35:22I wasn't prepared for that.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24I had a fantastic career making wedding bouquets
0:35:24 > 0:35:27but I threw it away.
0:35:27 > 0:35:28I used to work in search and rescue
0:35:28 > 0:35:32which I always had a flair for.
0:35:32 > 0:35:34Why was I fired as a gynaecologist?
0:35:34 > 0:35:35I'd rather not go into it.
0:35:39 > 0:35:42Was I a fantastic telephone receptionist?
0:35:42 > 0:35:44Uh, hello?
0:35:45 > 0:35:49I used to be a professional table tennis player in Southeast Asia.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52- HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE - That was my coach's name.
0:35:53 > 0:35:55Lovely man. Great kisser.
0:35:57 > 0:36:00I watch doomsday films like there's no tomorrow.
0:36:02 > 0:36:05I now live here in the UK. I go back to Canada on holiday.
0:36:05 > 0:36:07Highly recommend it, fantastic country.
0:36:07 > 0:36:10I do notice when I go back there that they have the same shows
0:36:10 > 0:36:13as we have over here, just with different names.
0:36:13 > 0:36:15In Canada they have a show called Cheaters
0:36:15 > 0:36:18where married people and people in relationships cheat with
0:36:18 > 0:36:20other married people and people in relationships.
0:36:20 > 0:36:23Over here it's called Strictly Come Dancing.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28How many Len Goodman puns do I have?
0:36:28 > 0:36:30AUDIENCE: Seven!
0:36:30 > 0:36:31No, just the one.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34Seven - that's hilarious. Well done, you.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37I feel I let you down.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39I'll never do that again.
0:36:41 > 0:36:43In Canada, they have a programme called Pointless.
0:36:43 > 0:36:45Over here, it's called The One Show.
0:36:50 > 0:36:53Goodnight, Apollo. Thank you so much.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03Stewart Francis, ladies and gentlemen!
0:37:07 > 0:37:10Ladies and gentlemen, have you enjoyed yourselves tonight?
0:37:10 > 0:37:12CHEERING
0:37:12 > 0:37:16Give it up for our guests tonight - Mr Jason Byrne!
0:37:17 > 0:37:19And Mr Stewart Francis!
0:37:21 > 0:37:24I've been Romesh Ranganathan, thank you very much, goodnight!