0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17# Oh, yeah! #
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:19 > 0:00:24please welcome your host for tonight, Katherine Ryan!
0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:30MUSIC: Bitch by Meredith Brooks
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Hello, Hammersmith Apollo.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43CHEERING
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Oh, my goodness, Live At The Apollo. The first time I was here
0:00:46 > 0:00:49I was just a little girl, and look at me now, I'm full-blown
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Caitlyn Jenner!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53It feels so good.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57I've spent so long wanting to look like one of the Kardashians,
0:00:57 > 0:01:00I don't even give a shit it's the dad. I'll take it.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02She's a majestic hero.
0:01:04 > 0:01:09I am TV's Katherine Ryan and I like to talk a lot about celebrities,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11but you've got a lot of good ones.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13There are some celebrities in Britain
0:01:13 > 0:01:14that I will not say a bad word about.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Mo Farah - love him.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20He is a British hero. An Olympian, a good man, a good father,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23a Somalian who acquires gold on land,
0:01:23 > 0:01:26nothing I don't like about that.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28He is perfect.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34You can't say a bad word about Taylor Swift.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Do we have any Taylor Swift fans in?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37CHEERING
0:01:37 > 0:01:42"Of course we are. Shake It Off! We love her! We love Taylor Swift."
0:01:42 > 0:01:45She's friend to all women, except if you follow her on Instagram,
0:01:45 > 0:01:48you will notice that that circle of friends
0:01:48 > 0:01:50is limited to Victoria's Secret models only.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53They come on stage with her, they're her girl squad.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56"Why do you have them on stage with you, Taylor Swift?"
0:01:56 > 0:02:01"To illustrate that I am just as hot as them but also have a talent, OK?"
0:02:01 > 0:02:04She's friends with Lena Dunham too. You know why that is?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06So that when people like me want to be friends with Taylor Swift -
0:02:06 > 0:02:08and I love Taylor Swift,
0:02:08 > 0:02:11of course I want to be friends with Taylor Swift -
0:02:11 > 0:02:13she can be like, "No, we don't need you.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17"We're already friends with one human woman."
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Nobody is that perfect. I like flaws.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23I knew that Taylor Swift would mess up and she did mess up.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27A few weeks ago, Nicki Minaj - a very curvaceous black R&B singer -
0:02:27 > 0:02:31tweeted, "I think I would have been nominated for more awards
0:02:31 > 0:02:35"if the women in my videos were slim," and, essentially, white.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39And Taylor Swift, friend to all women, replied,
0:02:39 > 0:02:41"Nicki, I have always supported you.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45"If I win, you can come on stage with me."
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Really? Oh, I knew it, Taylor Swift. I got you.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Back your white privilege right this minute.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55What's Nicki Minaj even supposed to say to that?
0:02:55 > 0:03:00"Oh, t-t-thank you, Taylor Swift. That's ever so kind of you, ma'am.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02"I don't know. I don't know if I got no business
0:03:02 > 0:03:06"up here on stage in front of all these white folk.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10"I'd better hurry up and finish the laundry before your daddy get home."
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Not cool.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16People worry about me.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18LAUGHTER
0:03:18 > 0:03:21They worry about me because I'm single.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Really, if you are a lady who is single after a certain age,
0:03:25 > 0:03:26people will start to get upset.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29I get letters all the time, from women exclusively.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30I got one a little while ago
0:03:30 > 0:03:32and the lady must have been 200 years old
0:03:32 > 0:03:34because she wrote this letter on, like, stationery
0:03:34 > 0:03:37with beautiful calligraphy - it's a dead art -
0:03:37 > 0:03:40and she wrote, "Dear Katherine, we saw your show
0:03:40 > 0:03:45"and we were very worried to hear that you're single."
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Like, really? You saw the whole show and that was the problem?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51She's like, "My brother Ray is also single."
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Oh, there you go! Ladies, that's why we're single.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59Not because we choose it but because we haven't met Ray.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02She went on to offer me a date with Ray.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04She said, "We'd be willing to accompany Ray on the Megabus
0:04:04 > 0:04:08"to London." Whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:04:08 > 0:04:11I know the only time somebody takes a bus to meet someone
0:04:11 > 0:04:14they've seen on TV is to kill them.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I did not attend.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19But men don't get these letters, that's what winds me up.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22I work with a ton of men, they never... Look at Leonardo DiCaprio.
0:04:22 > 0:04:27Famously single for years. He and I have the same number of Oscars.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Nobody's writing him.
0:04:29 > 0:04:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:34 > 0:04:35"Dear Leonard,
0:04:35 > 0:04:42"we recently saw you muff-diving all those supermodels...on your yacht
0:04:42 > 0:04:45"and we were so worried.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48"My brother Ray is also single.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53"Nobody wants to fuck Ray."
0:04:55 > 0:04:57I've got a problem with Jews.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00LAUGHTER
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Anyone else? Please, don't put your hands up.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08I was dating a Jewish man this year. I fell in love with him
0:05:08 > 0:05:13and he split up with me simply because I'm not Jewish,
0:05:13 > 0:05:17and I genuinely did not know that religion still behaved this way.
0:05:17 > 0:05:22I am a blonde-haired, blue-eyed, white, middle-class woman in 2015.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26I am entitled to everything.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29It's not OK for his people to treat me
0:05:29 > 0:05:32the way my people quite enjoy treating everyone else.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34He said, "We can have no future, Katherine.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36"What if we were to have a baby?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39"I imagine that you would not consent to having him circumcised."
0:05:39 > 0:05:40I was like, "First off,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43"why are you imagining the dicks of babies we don't have?"
0:05:48 > 0:05:50And secondly, you're right.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52I've lived in England so long,
0:05:52 > 0:05:55I didn't even notice that's one of the ways that I've changed,
0:05:55 > 0:05:58because back in North America, all the men are routinely circumcised.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00I checked that.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04And here, it's just not done and I guess, all of a sudden,
0:06:04 > 0:06:07I am against genital mutilation in all its forms.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10But what gets me is, I've never been in a relationship
0:06:10 > 0:06:13where the man said to me, "You know that baby we haven't got?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15"Would you cut its cock?"
0:06:17 > 0:06:21And the answer, "No, don't worry," was a deal-breaker.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I don't hate all Jews, guys. Of course not.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29I hate one Jew, but that's how it starts.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35I am a mother.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38My daughter's she's such a cool kid.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40She's called Violet, she's six years old.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42I took her to a charity event a little while ago.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44It was a youth homeless charity
0:06:44 > 0:06:46and I went because Prince Harry would be there,
0:06:46 > 0:06:50and I am normally not allowed within 100 yards of that fine man.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54And it was full of posh people and I've learned that posh people
0:06:54 > 0:06:57think that only other posh people care about them,
0:06:57 > 0:07:01because they had a young man speak and he himself was once homeless.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04I thought, "Great, we're going to see some real-world stuff." No.
0:07:04 > 0:07:0818-year-old boy comes up to the microphone, three-piece suit,
0:07:08 > 0:07:10he's like... IN POSH ACCENT: "Yah, so, like, a year ago,
0:07:10 > 0:07:14"my parents were totally micromanaging my life.
0:07:14 > 0:07:19"And so I left and I stayed on friends' couches and in summer homes.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22"I was utterly homeless."
0:07:22 > 0:07:24That's not homeless unless the couch smells of piss
0:07:24 > 0:07:25and is outside a Tesco Metro.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30"They withheld my trust fund.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32"Do you have any idea how difficult it is
0:07:32 > 0:07:35"to be on a juice cleanse when you're homeless?"
0:07:35 > 0:07:37I hated him!
0:07:37 > 0:07:40I looked around the room trying to find the eyes of anyone else
0:07:40 > 0:07:43who hated this prick. Nothing. They're all like, "Yah, sounds bad."
0:07:45 > 0:07:47There was silence in the room as he took a drink
0:07:47 > 0:07:51and my six-year-old goes, "Pah, white people!"
0:07:51 > 0:07:52I was like, "Yeah."
0:07:52 > 0:07:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:54 > 0:07:56That's what I'm saying.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59And he wasn't even white.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04That's such a beautiful thing, when a child can look beyond
0:08:04 > 0:08:06someone's skin colour,
0:08:06 > 0:08:10see the white inside of him and hate it.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15I am 32 years old and I love it.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Give me a cheer if you're a woman over the age of 30.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20CHEERING
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Some of them won't cheer.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26"I know, I should have killed myself five years ago."
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Ageing is great. Ageing just means you didn't die.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35We grow in value with every day, not the other way around.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Would you trade your life with a teenage girl's life?
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Do you remember what it was like when we had no power and no money?
0:08:41 > 0:08:45When we did our own eyebrows? No, thank you.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47And who dates a teenager?!
0:08:47 > 0:08:50You know that guy who got done for taking a 15-year-old to Paris?
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Anyone who's been on holiday with a teenager knows that man
0:08:53 > 0:08:55deserved a medal, not prison.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
0:08:58 > 0:09:03"Do you know Titanic is based on a true story? Blah, blah!"
0:09:05 > 0:09:08I recently went home with a 25-year-old. It was weird.
0:09:08 > 0:09:13I've not been with a 25-year-old since I was 14. Inappropriate.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15It's very inappropriate.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Do you know what he said to me? He said,
0:09:18 > 0:09:22"I think it is very scary that you're 31."
0:09:22 > 0:09:27He said that to my face. "I think it is very scary." I said, "Why?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30"Do you know what the difference is between me now and me at your age?
0:09:30 > 0:09:34"Now I have more money, so what are you afraid of?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37"My disposable income, is that what it is?
0:09:37 > 0:09:41"Ooh! I get too many manicures for you, my feet are too soft,
0:09:41 > 0:09:45"my entire body is too electrolysised for you, young man?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48"What is it? My house is too nice? My thread count's too high?
0:09:48 > 0:09:52"Was my driver rude to you?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54"Maybe you think I'm in a rush to have a baby?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56"Well, say, hello, I've got one.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59"She is not a fan of yours, you little fuck badger. She hates you."
0:10:02 > 0:10:07The main message from the media is, "Do not fancy a child."
0:10:07 > 0:10:10We've got that. That's a terrible thing to do.
0:10:10 > 0:10:15"Do not fancy a child, but just try to be a woman who looks like a child
0:10:15 > 0:10:18"so that people fancy you." What?
0:10:18 > 0:10:23GEORDIE ACCENT: "Like a little baby. Like Cheryl Cole.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27"Like a little baby woman.
0:10:27 > 0:10:32"Gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous."
0:10:32 > 0:10:35So beautiful it makes you forget she's garbage,
0:10:35 > 0:10:37that's how hot that chick is.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:39 > 0:10:44So pretty. Don't feel bad, some of you feel bad.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Cheryl Cole would glass each of you in an alley tonight.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53"No, not me. I'm just a little gorgeous baby."
0:10:54 > 0:11:00"Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me, Cheryl Cole?"
0:11:00 > 0:11:04You ever been in a room with that thing? It's this big.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07If she was born in the winter, she would not have made it.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13Done more damage to the north-east than Margaret Thatcher.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19But she's gorgeous.
0:11:19 > 0:11:25Beautiful. So pretty. She looks like my six-year-old in a wig.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28"I am the nation's sweetheart.
0:11:28 > 0:11:33"The nation's sweetheart," and I know I can't do a Geordie accent,
0:11:33 > 0:11:37but I don't care, no. I don't care.
0:11:37 > 0:11:43It's a bit more Ukip Calypso when I do it. I don't care.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46"Because I'm the nation's sweetheart."
0:11:46 > 0:11:49You're not, you are the answer to the question,
0:11:49 > 0:11:51how beautiful do you have to be to make the nation forget
0:11:51 > 0:11:55about how you drunkenly assaulted a nightclub worker?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58I don't even believe she's human!
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Nobody human is that pretty,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03even God is throwing everything he can at this thing -
0:12:03 > 0:12:05malaria. It won't die.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Nah, I can't do it. Of course I love Cheryl Cole.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Of course I want to be friends with Cheryl Cole,
0:12:18 > 0:12:21just so anyone else tries to be friends with her, she can be like,
0:12:21 > 0:12:25"No, no. I'm already friends with one human woman."
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Hammersmith Apollo, please join me in welcoming my first guest.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36I am in stitches every time I'm in his presence,
0:12:36 > 0:12:38it's the hilarious Henning Wehn.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:40 > 0:12:42MUSIC: 99 Red Balloons by Nena
0:12:52 > 0:12:54UK!
0:12:54 > 0:12:59Yeah, let me quickly introduce myself. My name is Henning.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02The German comedy ambassador.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Not the easiest of jobs.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08But let me get one thing straight,
0:13:08 > 0:13:11we Germans, we like a laugh.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13LAUGHTER
0:13:16 > 0:13:20No, honestly, we really do. We really do. Just like the Brits.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24The only difference is - Germans laugh once the work is done.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Rather than instead of.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32And that indeed is the main cultural difference.
0:13:32 > 0:13:37What a fantastic turnout here this evening. Is there...
0:13:37 > 0:13:41There's almost bound to be someone else from Germany in the audience.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42- CHEERING - Blimey.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Ja, so viele? Wen haben wir denn da?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Wo war denn das im Theater? Da oben oder da hinten?
0:13:49 > 0:13:53Ich kann das von hier nicht so recht sehen.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Da oben? Ja, wen haben wir denn da,
0:13:55 > 0:13:57junge Frau? Wer ruft denn da so schon?
0:13:57 > 0:14:01- AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS OUT - Chris. Yeah.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03LAUGHTER
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Ja, und, Chris, wo in Deutschland kommst du her?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Potsdam!
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Aus Potsdam! Ah, guck mal an!
0:14:11 > 0:14:15Und hier schon langer in Grossbritannien, oder was?
0:14:15 > 0:14:16MAN SHOUTS OUT
0:14:16 > 0:14:17Seit wann?!
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- Vier Jahre!- Vier Jahre! Guck mal an!
0:14:20 > 0:14:25Und... Wohnst du direkt in London oder irgendwo in der Umgebung?
0:14:28 > 0:14:31MAN SHOUTS OUT
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Richtig! Ganz richtig! Hat er recht! Hat er recht!
0:14:36 > 0:14:39By the way, Chris and I, we're just doing exactly the same thing
0:14:39 > 0:14:41that Brits do whenever they travel abroad.
0:14:51 > 0:14:56We just carry on speaking our own language regardless.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Maybe you noticed we do it without shouting?
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Chris, he just told me he came over four years ago and, Chris, what was
0:15:05 > 0:15:08your English like when you first arrived?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- Very good, ja.- Very good.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22It's so unbelievable, cos he is from the former East Germany,
0:15:22 > 0:15:26so you would expect him to be fluent in Russian, not in English.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Fantastic. No, I mean...
0:15:28 > 0:15:32I can't say that my English was any good when I first came over.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Cos I came over with school English.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38And what does that mean? Didn't know any idioms.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Didn't know any colloquialisms. Had next to no vocabulary.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44The only thing I had was grammar.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Cos I learned that at school.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47And I would say everything
0:15:47 > 0:15:51exactly the way it was written in my grammar book.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53"I was...
0:15:53 > 0:16:00"You were... He/she was. We were. You were. They were."
0:16:00 > 0:16:02But now having lived in London for the past 13 years,
0:16:02 > 0:16:06these days I go, "I was. You was...
0:16:08 > 0:16:10"He/she/it was. We was. You was. They was."
0:16:17 > 0:16:22Cos that's what every other Herbert says, or "'Erbert."
0:16:22 > 0:16:27And I always wonder... When I say "we was," how do people take that?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30"Oh, look at that Henning, ever so well assimilated."
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Or do they go the other way? "What? He has been living here all those
0:16:33 > 0:16:36"years and he still can't get the most basic things right.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37"It's embarrassing."
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Recently, I got me answer. I did a gig up north.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Or "up Norff..."
0:16:43 > 0:16:44In Bolton...
0:16:44 > 0:16:46AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Wayhey! And I got heckled with the wonderful line -
0:16:48 > 0:16:50"Fuck off back to London!"
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Why do people move abroad?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04It's always for one of two reasons, isn't it?
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Either you want to broaden your horizon
0:17:07 > 0:17:09or you're not needed back home.
0:17:10 > 0:17:15And usually it's the latter, but no matter, no matter your motivation,
0:17:15 > 0:17:19once you live abroad, you become a lot more patriotic.
0:17:19 > 0:17:24A lot more nationalistic. In my case, that isn't very good.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Well, I was already firmly right-wing
0:17:29 > 0:17:31when I was still living back home in the Ruhr valley.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33It hasn't got any better since.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37I mean, these days, I get national pride out of the strangest events.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Now, I remember reading in the paper a couple of years ago
0:17:41 > 0:17:45that Germany had won the world championships in marbles.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50On reading, I was like, "Yey-hey!"
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Yet, until reading that,
0:17:52 > 0:17:59I didn't even know anyone over the age of four...did play marbles.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03I remember, I remember when we won Pope.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Did you remember when Germany won the Catholic Church?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12I know, far more recently, we lost it to the Argies,
0:18:12 > 0:18:15but, far more vividly, I remember how great it was when we won it.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18It was like, "Ja! Super! Ratzinger, du bist der Beste!
0:18:18 > 0:18:20"Super! Super."
0:18:20 > 0:18:21I was over the moon.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25It was like winning the football World Cup...again.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31I know full well, if, at the time of the Pope election,
0:18:31 > 0:18:34if I'd still been living back home in Germany, I would have reacted
0:18:34 > 0:18:36completely differently.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39I would have just said, "Oh, no, not that reactionary Bavarian twat."
0:18:39 > 0:18:41But once you live abroad,
0:18:41 > 0:18:44you embrace everything about your country,
0:18:44 > 0:18:46everything remotely German.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Like the royal baby.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Number two. "Yay!"
0:18:56 > 0:18:59And that was the moment when I had to admit to myself
0:18:59 > 0:19:01that my moral compass has gone so haywire...
0:19:01 > 0:19:05I'll never, ever be able to return to Germany ever again.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09It's no problem, I'll just stay here in the UK.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Cos you're really good to us foreigners.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17No, honestly, you really are, because you tolerate us.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22You don't welcome us...
0:19:23 > 0:19:26But you do tolerate us. And that's a great British virtue, isn't it,
0:19:26 > 0:19:28tolerance? What's tolerance?
0:19:28 > 0:19:32There is something you really, really dislike...
0:19:33 > 0:19:34..but you can't be bothered...
0:19:36 > 0:19:38..to do anything about it.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Back home, we call that lazy cynicism, anyway...
0:19:45 > 0:19:49Dear, oh, dear. I've been in Britain 13 years and, Chris, I have to
0:19:49 > 0:19:51very quickly come back to you up there...
0:19:51 > 0:19:53After four years in Blighty...do you still
0:19:53 > 0:19:58feel more German or have you started to feel British?
0:19:58 > 0:20:03- Actually, more British, yes. - It happens, yeah, it happens.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07If you live abroad, you do assimilate to a degree.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08Like, on stage, on stage,
0:20:08 > 0:20:11there is never any doubt about my nationality.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14On stage, I properly German it up.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18But in everyday life,
0:20:18 > 0:20:22in many ways, these days, I'm as British as they come.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Like, not too long ago, I had a groin hernia.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30I'm not saying that's a British trait as such.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34A starting point for this little anecdote.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38A groin hernia is not painful, but it's incredibly annoying
0:20:38 > 0:20:40and the worst bit about it is,
0:20:40 > 0:20:45your body gives you very irregular pressure on your bladder.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47You really don't know when you have to go to the toilet
0:20:47 > 0:20:50and I was in one of those situations going home
0:20:50 > 0:20:55after a gig on a night bus, and then the bus stopped at red lights
0:20:55 > 0:21:00and I realised, dear, oh, dear, I have to have a slash right now.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03So I went up to the driver and said, "Sir, sir,
0:21:03 > 0:21:05"let me off, let me off, I have to have a piss."
0:21:05 > 0:21:07The driver said, "No, sorry, mate.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09"Can't. It's not a proper stop, it's just red lights."
0:21:09 > 0:21:14"Sir, I'm really sorry about this, I'll have to piss here."
0:21:14 > 0:21:16So I got my knob out...
0:21:18 > 0:21:20All of a sudden, he could open the doors.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26It wasn't against health and safety any longer,
0:21:26 > 0:21:30so me jumping out, finding a tree,
0:21:30 > 0:21:34pissing behind a tree was all one and because of the time
0:21:34 > 0:21:38spent with the driver, it had all gone on a split-second too long.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42All I'm saying, there was already a good amount of liquid
0:21:42 > 0:21:45going down the inside of my trouser leg, so I had to wait
0:21:45 > 0:21:48in the middle of the night, behind a tree,
0:21:48 > 0:21:50I had to wait in the pitch-black.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53I had to wait for my piss trousers to dry...
0:21:54 > 0:21:56..Your Honour.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Luckily, it didn't come to that,
0:22:04 > 0:22:06but it was embarrassing enough as it was.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10And at that point, I had a fortnight to go until my hernia operation.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13And I decided there and then to cancel all my upcoming gigs,
0:22:13 > 0:22:16not to have a repeat of such an embarrassing incident.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20But as it was, that night, first I had to get home.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24So I looked down me trousers and, well, they had sufficiently dried.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27I tell you what, I'll take the next night bus into London town,
0:22:27 > 0:22:31I'll have a nice late-night kebab, nice cup of tea, then I'll take
0:22:31 > 0:22:35a cab home and the world will not see me until after the operation.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37That was my plan.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40So I get on the next night bus, go into London town,
0:22:40 > 0:22:44get off at Tottenham Court Road and walk up to the kebab shop,
0:22:44 > 0:22:46and had all them health worries in my head.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49So, will the NHS be able to treat me properly?
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Will this knock years off my life expectancy?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Will I ever be able to become a father?
0:22:54 > 0:22:57So I had all them existential worries, so I wasn't really
0:22:57 > 0:22:59paying attention to what I was doing,
0:22:59 > 0:23:01so when I walked into the kebab shop,
0:23:01 > 0:23:05I didn't see the step leading into the kebab shop, so I tripped
0:23:05 > 0:23:10over that step, immediately lost my balance and fell in, head first.
0:23:10 > 0:23:15So, there I was, three o'clock in the morning, on all fours,
0:23:15 > 0:23:20on the floor of a kebab shop, in piss trousers...
0:23:20 > 0:23:23thinking, "Blimey! How British am I?"
0:23:23 > 0:23:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Thank you very much. You have been an absolute delight!
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Thanks so much. See you very soon. Bye-bye.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Thank you.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Henning Wehn. Well done.
0:23:46 > 0:23:51My next guest is absolutely incredible.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55He's the kind of comedian that comedians gather to watch.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58I would go as far as to say he is the future of British comedy.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Please, welcome - oh, you're in for a treat -
0:24:00 > 0:24:03it's the exquisite James Acaster.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:06 > 0:24:08MUSIC PLAYS
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- Yeah. - LAUGHTER
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Tonight, I want to tell you about a friend of mine.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29He works in a casino.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32And one day, he...
0:24:33 > 0:24:39Is dice plural and die singular? Or is die plural?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Anyway, he killed two people by mistake.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Say he's my friend. He's not really my friend.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52I'm on the jury. I shouldn't say friend, should I?
0:24:52 > 0:24:55They make that very clear. "He's not your friend, mate."
0:24:55 > 0:24:59I see him every day, he seems like a nice guy.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01There was someone else called James on the jury.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Got confusing.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05How we got round it, right, everyone would call HIM James One
0:25:05 > 0:25:08and me Wolf. I got to choose my own name. It's pretty cool.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Me and James One hit the town, cutting it up.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15I was making an effort for once,
0:25:15 > 0:25:17dressed to impress, I had my best tie on.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Paisley, paisley makes the girls go crazily.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Walking round. Chatting to a lady at one point.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27She was lovely. Lovely, lovely lady.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29She's a masseuse, big respect.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32I've tried to give a massage to partners in the past.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Not easy, is it?
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Not sexy massage, drag your minds out the gutter, just normal massage.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40You know, just normal massage you do in a relationship.
0:25:40 > 0:25:45You know, normal, just normal. Normal stuff.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Normally what? You're normally in bed, ain't you, normally,
0:25:48 > 0:25:51for a massage with your partner? Normally in bed.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55End of the day, fair to say. End of the day, bed.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59Don't do a massage in the morning, that's far too decadent.
0:25:59 > 0:26:04Save it to the end. Lights out, aren't they? Lying down.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Completely dark, ain't it? Just lying there
0:26:07 > 0:26:11and only one of you knows that a massage is about to take place.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18If you're not in on it, you're sitting there,
0:26:18 > 0:26:21you've got your eyes closed and you're thinking to yourself,
0:26:21 > 0:26:24"I'm going to go to sleep now. I'm going to go to sleep.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27You're lying there, feeling safe.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Just me and the person I trust most in the world.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35The last thing I'm expecting at this point is an ambush.
0:26:38 > 0:26:45And then, the partner will turn to you...in the dark,
0:26:45 > 0:26:48like a coward,
0:26:48 > 0:26:53spineless, and they'll say,
0:26:53 > 0:26:57"I've got a genuine muscular complaint...
0:26:57 > 0:26:59"that I really should get seen to by a trained professional.
0:26:59 > 0:27:04"However...how would you like to improvise a massage on me
0:27:04 > 0:27:08"with your zero expertise?"
0:27:08 > 0:27:11"Would I ever? Let's get this light back on."
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Then the masseuse...
0:27:18 > 0:27:19..will assume the position.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Which, if you've ever received a massage from a partner before,
0:27:26 > 0:27:29you'll know the position in question is sitting on them.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36Again, I don't know if you've ever paid for a professional massage...
0:27:36 > 0:27:39This move rarely crops up.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Park themselves on your lower back - it's too familiar.
0:27:43 > 0:27:48Get your partner to do it, you get what you pay for, you cheapskate.
0:27:48 > 0:27:53They're sitting on you, just sitting on you! Just sitting on you.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56You know, like a bully does.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Just sitting on you like a bully.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01And then, they start guessing.
0:28:01 > 0:28:02Just...
0:28:04 > 0:28:07..having a flying guess all over your back,
0:28:07 > 0:28:11doing moves they've half-remembered from films they've seen.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19If you can't see what I'm doing at the back there,
0:28:19 > 0:28:21I'm just using the heels of my hands.
0:28:21 > 0:28:25You want to put them either side of the spine and then, you want
0:28:25 > 0:28:27to put your full weight on that in the hope that that's OK.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Wing that, chance it - it's not your back.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40And just move them out in a pattern that, from where you are,
0:28:40 > 0:28:43looks nice.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46It's pleasing to your eye if not to their actual back.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48Nice and symmetrical all the way up.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01A bit of shoulder work, obviously. You're not stingy, are you?
0:29:01 > 0:29:04Some shoulder work while you're there.
0:29:04 > 0:29:09What you're doing there, just gathering all the skin and muscle...
0:29:09 > 0:29:13A nice chunky pinch and just let it go and do it again.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16That's all that is. Letting it go, just move it somewhere else,
0:29:16 > 0:29:18put it back where it was. That's that move.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21Like an arcade claw that never wins anything, never gets any toys.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23No toys. No toys.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32Hardest part of jury duty.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35LAUGHTER
0:29:35 > 0:29:37I'll tell you what it is. The debates.
0:29:37 > 0:29:39We had to go off, just the jury, in a little room
0:29:39 > 0:29:42and debate the case every day.
0:29:42 > 0:29:45Everyone else had opinions, except for me. I felt stupid.
0:29:45 > 0:29:48In the end, I just played devil's advocate.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51That's what you do if you don't have an opinion. It's clever.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54Because devil's advocate, you don't need an opinion.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56You just say the opposite to what everyone else is saying.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59It's not on you because it's not you. It's the devil.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03Who, let's not forget, is a certified rotter.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08I was playing devil's advocate from the get-go.
0:30:08 > 0:30:12Day one, first debate we ever had, everyone else on the jury,
0:30:12 > 0:30:17they were saying how the murder was really bad.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19Prime opportunity...
0:30:20 > 0:30:23..for a little DA.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26I piped up, "Hey, guys.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28"To be fair, we're all going to die one day anyway.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30"These people just died a little earlier
0:30:30 > 0:30:35"than they would have in the first place. Cut this guy some slack, let him walk."
0:30:35 > 0:30:38Went back to the hotel, I rang my mum up. Said, "Hey, Mum.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41"I played devil's advocate in court today, you'd have been proud of me.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43"I looked real clever."
0:30:43 > 0:30:46She said, "Did you lead up to it by saying,
0:30:46 > 0:30:50"'Just playing devil's advocate'?" I went, "Should I have?"
0:30:50 > 0:30:52She went, "Undoubtedly.
0:30:52 > 0:30:56"Otherwise, it just sounds like your own horrific opinion."
0:30:57 > 0:31:00Day two involved a lot of backpedalling.
0:31:01 > 0:31:05Had a similar problem with "no pun intended".
0:31:05 > 0:31:10A couple of days later, we're having a debate, I piped up. "Hey, guys.
0:31:10 > 0:31:12"No pun intended,
0:31:12 > 0:31:16"but do you think it's possible that the gardener planted evidence?"
0:31:16 > 0:31:18So what? So what?
0:31:20 > 0:31:23Back to my hotel, I rang my mum up. I was like, "Hey, Mum.
0:31:23 > 0:31:27"I said, 'No pun intended,' in court today. You'd have been proud of me.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29"I looked real clever."
0:31:29 > 0:31:32She said, "Did you say, 'No pun intended,'
0:31:32 > 0:31:36"at the end of the sentence?" I went, "I said it at the top."
0:31:36 > 0:31:39She went, "Right. That does sound like you knew fully well
0:31:39 > 0:31:44"you were heading into a pun and did very little to change course.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48"Therefore, the pun was fully intended, James."
0:31:51 > 0:31:54What I learnt from those two experiences is,
0:31:54 > 0:31:57if you make a pun in polite conversation, people will
0:31:57 > 0:32:02hate you more than that time you openly defended murder.
0:32:05 > 0:32:09You have been a joy to speak to. Thanks for listening to me. Bye!
0:32:09 > 0:32:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:32:15 > 0:32:17James Acaster.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21Have you enjoyed yourselves this evening?
0:32:21 > 0:32:24CHEERING
0:32:24 > 0:32:25Me too.
0:32:25 > 0:32:27Thank you so much for listening.
0:32:27 > 0:32:32Let's hear it again for my tremendous guests - Mr Henning Wehn
0:32:32 > 0:32:35and James Acaster.
0:32:35 > 0:32:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:32:37 > 0:32:40I've been Katherine Ryan. I'll see you soon.